Relationships

12 Great Reader Comments on Sex

14 Great Reader Comments on Sex

We love discussing everything intimate, from scheduling sex to vibrators to sleeping in different bedrooms. So, without further ado, here are 12 lovely and wise reader comments on sex…

On timing:

“I was a virgin until I was 29 and started dating my now husband. My lack of experience embarrassed me, and I didn’t know how to broach the subject… until our fifth date when we went upstairs to his bedroom. After getting hot and heavy, I decided to blurt out, ‘Wait, I’m a virgin!’ at the most inopportune time IMAGINABLE. After the shocked look left his face he hugged me and said ‘I wish I had known, I would have planned a more romantic encounter!’ We laughed our heads off and made plans for that Friday to make it special.” — Jule

On solo sex:

“For everyone who says ‘The Hitachi Magic Wand is too strong,’ you can buy a little plug-in dimmer switch (like this). Then you have full control over the vibration intensity. My then-boyfriend introduced me to the magic wand + dimmer switch, and Oh. My. GOD! Not only do I get the exact vibe strength I want, but sometimes we play a game where I hold the wand, and he holds the switch, from a few feet away and, well, you can probably see where that goes. P.S. Surprise ending…that then-boyfriend is my NOW-HUSBAND, because DUH DOY!!!” — Liza

On making time:

“With three young kids, my partner and I realized we were not having much sex. So, we started making Sunday afternoons a thing. Once we get everyone down for naps, we rush to the garage office with a baby monitor. We went to a nice dinner the other night, and I said, ‘I’m thrilled I don’t have to rally to have exhausted sex with you tonight.’ And we could laugh because we were planning to have it in two days. Scheduled sex is the best thing ever.” — Meghan

“Scheduling sex may lack spontaneity, but I’m not sure who decided good sex has to be spontaneous. It ignores a very important sex organ, the brain. The fun part of scheduling sex is that you end up thinking about how you’re going to have sex throughout the day, and that can go a long way to ramping up arousal.” — Jessica

“Sex is different for lesbians. Because there is no official end, and you only really stop when someone taps out, I think of sex as a several hours long event. We just do that on Saturday and Sunday now because our work schedules are nuts. We’re both very comfortable initiating it, and that makes me confident we both are having our needs met.” — R.

On books and podcasts:

“I hope everyone gets a chance to read Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski! I’m midway through with a well-worn copy that has passed through the hands of four girlfriends. The author breaks common misconceptions and makes strides to personalize and authenticate women’s sexuality. — Jessica

“One thing I have stumbled upon are podcasts that tell an erotic story. There’s one called Friday Night Fun that has short, sometimes more tame but still super sexy stories. There is another titled Kiss Me Quick’s Erotica, which are more explicit and longer. The stories definitely do the trick!” — Judy

On being on the same page:

“I grew up in a strict, religious household, and found myself away at college at 18, never having kissed a boy. When I met my first boyfriend, I was totally upfront, and he offered such a sweet, practical solution to consent and boundaries. He said he’d act as my mirror, and would take my advances as permissions that he could ‘go there,’ too (can you tell he was a theater nerd?). I never felt pressured, and it encouraged me to be assertive with my desires with future partners when I was always more inclined to just ‘let things happen.'” — Liberty

“Consent is so sexy. I’ll never forget the guy (a one-night stand in another city) who told me in a kind voice, ‘Just tell me if you wanna stop at any point.'” — Katie

On first kisses:

“Sophomore year, a new boy joined my English class. I crushed madly on his confidence and humor, not to mention his tall, dark and handsome looks. As the quintessential ‘good girl,’ I had zero experience in the kissing or flirting department. But one night in 12th grade, after we watched a movie, Chris kissed me. He told his best friend the next day, ‘If I kiss her again, I will marry her.’ So, there was no more kissing. At least, not until my senior year of college when we reconnected. Six years of dating and 17 years of marriage later, I live a happy life with a man that I crush on to this day. Incredible, really.” — Elle

On trying new things:

“I was listening to an interview the other day with Dan Savage, the sexpert, and he said a fun way to get the spark back is to commit to having sex somewhere other than your bed three times per month. I’m dying to try this.” — Lana

“My husband and I both work from home, and the Cup of Jo tip about arriving separately at a restaurant was definitely a good one for us. Seeing your significant other arrive from the opposite direction when meeting for drinks is a nice little reminder of why you love them.” — Chloé

Have any spicy stories to add?

P.S. 15 more reader comments on sex and who initiates sex in your relationship?

(Photo by Heather Hazzan for Land of Women.)

  1. CM says...

    I’m wondering whether an imbalance in sex drive with your partner has ever driven anyone to cheat, or has anyone fantasized about doing so? Hasn’t happened to me yet, but several factors in my relationship and an also-partnered co-worker whom I’m really drawn to have made me think about this, for the first time ever.

    • C says...

      Imbalance of sex drive wasn’t the cause. In fact I can’t think of the push factor. I love the person I am with. But I personally have changed a lot since we got together, maybe that’s part of what’s up.

      But. It was more of a pull factor: two week conference, almost unprecedented full force chemistry. We “only” made out before we decided to stop- and now are stuck in eachothers minds. Luckily very far away so plenty of space to think.

      As for you, I am no expert but a direct co-worker is very dangerous.

  2. Em says...

    I love all this safe, supportive sharing, ladies! Still feeling vulnerable (& old :’-}) but, moved to share a bit. Always hopeful. I’m 55. Divorced a long time. Single mom & grandma! Haven’t dated in 2 years. Feel I have no time or space for a man or relationship in my life, which is full of work, commuting, ex drama & family focus. Any time leftover is hoarded for self~care. :’-}. But ladies, I miss intimacy. A LOT. I sometimes find myself positively longing to be held, kissed, desired. Reading comments, I realized I haven’t been kissed well in 25 years! I want to dance, held close, foreheads together. I want a chest to lay on & masculine legs to drape mine over. I want pillow talk. I was so touched reading about a woman who said she got through breast cancer cocooned in the crook of her husband’s strong arm, his head resting on top of hers. I’m afraid I’ll never experience this again in my life. No one looks at me in that way that makes you feel so SEEN as a woman, in years. I am lonely “in a crowd” & get through really needy moments with elaborate fantasies featuring men I have crushes on. I don’t miss the pressure & guilt of marriage / long term committed relationship sex life…but, I desperately miss intimacy. :’-} Thanks for listening!

    • Ssan says...

      I’m 28. 5 years in with what you’re currently feeling. I hear you.

    • Em says...

      aww, thanks SSAN. :’-} That’s a long time to feel this way. I feel like there must be something we can do. We are surely not the only 2 “older” people who feel like we do! We just need to find our tribe! I just created a fb group for people in my area who are over 50 & want to socialize. I’m really hoping it helps not only me, but others in similar situations…find a little romance…a little affection…someone to call & go out to dinner with. Sometimes that’s all we want/need, right? :’-}

  3. Mary says...

    I like sex to last a long time so something I love to do is play a game. At my bachelorette party, my friend gave me these erotic dice that when you roll the dice you have to either kiss, lick.. etc the body part from the other die on the other person. It is really fun and makes sex last so much longer.

  4. Rosie says...

    Thanks for including my comment about lesbian sex! I saw some responses to it in the comments where people were horrified by the time commitment haha. To each their own, but I consider one orgasm and really slow night. 3-5 each is generally the goal. Sometimes you aren’t going to get there even once and that’s fine, but between using your hands, mouths, hands and mouth at the same time, and sex toys, yeah it can last hours because there’s a lot of switching roles, and it’s frigging awesome. I’ve never heard anyone complain that it takes too long because if you’re done being on the receiving end you can just be the giving one until they’re tired out. If I’m fully ready to wrap up I might say, “I need to stop. Are you good or do you want anything else?” They cut down my original comment, but I touched on the fact that short, one-sided orgasms are also a regular thing. One of us can initiate it to literally scratch the itch, and then go back about our day without there always being an expectation of reciprocation. I love making her come. I like it just as much as I like having an orgasm. It isn’t a chore. I slept with men in college and the formula of hands, mouth and penetration that gets you to have maybe one orgasm wasn’t anywhere near as satisfying for me, but I also don’t like dudes so there is more to unpack there haha.

  5. Yael says...

    Yes, Come as You Are is amazing!! I also think it should be “required reading”. Would absolutely love if Emily Nagoski could be featured in the COJ Beauty Uniform series :)

  6. Maria says...

    To add to all the comments about decreased sex drive. My husband and I work, have kids, and are in our middle plus 40’s. I have a sex drive, he doesn’t. If I don’t initiate, nothing would happen. It’s hard not to take personally or have it impact my self esteem.

    • Leigh says...

      Mid-late 30s here, with two young kids. My husband initiates sometimes, but with the general lack of intimacy these days I just don’t want to. Like, if he kisses me these days, it’s because I know he wants to have sex. I have a sex drive, but I’m finding I don’t want to have sex with him (honestly, it’s better at this point if I go it alone).

  7. Emma says...

    This hit home. My husband and I have been together for 12 years and we’ve just had a huge dry spell. 2 years. Two kids under 3, we’re exhausted. Making a point of it now and may need to schedule it in like so many do. Broke the spell last week and it felt SO good.

    • B says...

      I think we should all work to normalize the idea that for some people (me included) sex doesn’t pick up again post-baby for at least 2 years. A long term breastfeeding probably contributed. But 4 years in now we are all good.

  8. Elizabeth says...

    Re: the erotic stories idea, Dipsea has audible erotic shorts (some of them are more narrative, and others just end up sounding like…softcore porn sounds?), and Scribd has erotic short stories, which apparently are also going to be offered as audio versions.

    • MA says...

      +1 to Dipsea!!! Soooo good

  9. Rebecca says...

    I’m struck by the disappointment I feel in reading the quote about consent. It shouldn’t be so noteworthy and sexy that a man gave permission to this woman to not have sex (in a kind voice). Can you even imagine this quote being reversed and swooned over by men? I’m sad that this is our reality, and I hope that my daughter will read quotes like this in the future and find them incredibly antiquated.

    • Lauren says...

      Agreed. I like to think that it’s just a temporary between step, just like how our parents or grandparents had to realize that a gay guy could ‘actually be such a nice man!’, before the next generation could just think ‘gay man’ without a lot of connotations one way or the other. At one time, someone who was kind to ‘homosexuals’ maybe really was an outstanding person; I hope it’s not still like that with consent, but maybe it is?

    • I have been thinking about your comment for several days. I’ve been thinking if you have a point and you do. But I also disagree. Consent is sexy but it’s more than that. It’s feeling safe with your partner. Feeling safe is sexy. Being intimate with someone is when we are at our most vulnerable. Of course feeling safe is part of it. Feeling secure and trusting your partner enough to go on a journey together. Consent is sexy. It is safety.

    • Alix says...

      Agreed, that comment made me really go “ew, that was a special moment?” Obviously, it should just be a given.

  10. Natalie says...

    I have always kind of wondering about the lesbian stopping-point thing, so thanks for that lol.

    A few months ago I stopped taking birth control pills after being on them consistently for around 15 years (since age 17, really), and all of a sudden it was like the tap was turned back on, and I didn’t even really realize it was off – I swear I’m never going back on those things.

    I didn’t think my drive was bad before but now it seems like I feel everything more intensely – including the period cramps I haven’t had since my teenage years (UGH). Maybe it’s because I’m in my early 30s and the baby-making drive is UP, but around ovulation all I can think of is sex. Enough to have it mid-week, which kind of never happens with my husband because we are usually tired. I feel sort of like a horny teenager again, which is weird but… I like it?

    • A. N. says...

      this is my exact experience as well. i was on birth control for about 12 years, then got off of it and HOLY MOLY, hellooooo sex drive. i have missed you (except i didn’t even know i was missing you???) – it’s a great thing. my husband had a vasectomy (we have 2 kids), so i am very happy to never, EVER go on birth control again.

    • Emma says...

      Yes! This happened to me too, but I spent years feeling guilty about having no sex drive. I really wish libido and sex drive were something that my gynecologist talked to me about, so that maybe I could have realized sooner what was happening and made a change.

    • Jayne says...

      Oh PLEASE can we continue/expand this conversation about birth control? I am 31 and have been on Alesse (light dosage pill) since I was 16. My period cramps had become intolerable and the pill worked wonders for that issue and also never led to weight gain, acne, mood alternation, AND I have the shortest and lightest periods. I also love that I can control when I get my period, avoiding vacations etc. Until recently, I never considered going off it.

      Fast forward to 30 and, while I am not wanting or trying to get pregnant, I am curious as to how my body might react if/when I eventually decide to go off the pill. Half of me thinks I should give it a try, see what happens, etc., while the other half thinks, why mess with a good thing?! What if I go back to terrible cramp, 10+ day periods, get acne, etc.?

      Any and all help or experience would be very welcome – thank you ladies!

    • anon says...

      Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. I had this exact problem. I hadn’t actually been on hormonal birth control all that long, but when I went off them, my sex drive came back like crazy. I joked to my friends that that must be how the birth control pills actually work, they just stopped me from wanting to have sex. (Obviously, I know this is not true and know that birth control is great for a lot of things, this was just my experience.) I now just use condoms, and I don’t love the increased risk, but also, my sex drive is so important to me. It’s a big part of me feeling sexy and desirable.

    • Anon says...

      Also, IUD’s!!!! Please, please, if you have an IUD and have irritability, loss of sex drive or other issues, it could be your IUD. After about 6 weeks, I had to have mine removed, even though my doctor was rather insistent that it shouldn’t have side effects. It had horrible side effects and I’ve heard horror stories since then. The worst part is that you almost don’t realize that it’s happening… feeling off just becomes your new normal. I am so glad I insisted on having mine removed. I was soon back to myself.

    • Charlotte says...

      a reply to Jayne
      Have you ever heard of endometriosis, when periods are heavy and painful and long ? Maybe you should look into it.
      Me much happier without birthcontrol :)

    • Anie says...

      I am 2 years out of a loveless marriage and yet super sex driven. After meeting a lovely lover, I got a copper IUD (after we both cleared std panels 👍) and could not be happier.
      I will sat I had a period for nearly 20/30 days after insertion, but now I don’t have them at all. Quite possibly menopause happening to my plumbing, but a good reminder that all bodies are different and going to respond accordingly.

    • Maggie says...

      Saaaaame. Stopped the pill to have baby #1 and drive was through the roof. Then got an IUD (well, and a small child who didn’t sleep through the night), and it plummeted. My sex drive was so low that I had it removed and we swapped to condoms. Felt a little teenagery to me (oh, wait, are we outta condoms? gotta run to the store!), but recovery was quick. Not sure what form of birth control we’ll use after baby #2 in April!

    • Rachel says...

      This is one of my favorite conversations – so many people are finally talking about the affects of birth control, and it’s shocking! I highly recommend the “Bodies” podcast episode on painful sex, and the book by Dr. Jolene Brighten on post-birth control syndrome. I’m learning so much about my body now that I’m off hormonal bc and can’t imagine going back. COJ team, please please continue this conversation! xo

    • Leanne says...

      Here for the IUD conversation. I got an IUD after my second babe and had zero sex drive, but thought everything I was going through with hormones, etc. was normal. (Slightly different than the first babe, but every baby/pregnancy/recovery is different, right?) Then I went back to work and was talking about IUDs with a pre-menopausal woman who had been prescribed one and had it removed and OMG YOU GUYS. I totally had post-partum depression and didn’t realize it. I got that sucker out (against doctor’s assurances that it was not the cause) and immediately felt so much better.

    • Haley says...

      Does no one do FAM? I know a lot of people who do it super successfully. I suggest reading Taking Charge of Your Fertility and Period Repair Manual, super insightful.

  11. a. says...

    OK I need to know….
    Am I the only woman in the world who doesn’t enjoy oral sex? I’ve had a total of one friend NOT look at me with crazy eyes when I’ve brought it up, but seriously…. it’s not great for me. I don’t know why, it’s not necessarily a body conscious thing or anything, it just shuts down the mood for me almost every time! (Totally good being on the giving end, BTW) My husband is into it so it’s not totally banned from the menu, and sometimes for a minute I’m like, oh, I’m into this… and then I get bored. I’m one of the lucky ones that can orgasm from penetration, plus I’m a big fan of my husband’s hand work, so it doesn’t feel like a problem and this is not a complaint… just curious! Anyone else?

    • Anon says...

      You are not alone, sister! On the same page!

    • yj says...

      might I recommend the oral WITH hands? ^_~

      i found out recently how much i like that.

    • L says...

      I am not totally into it! Even with partners who are so enthusiastic about providing it! It feels nice but I never get close to feeling the way I do from penetrative sex and after a while I also get bored and also sometimes overstimulated but in an uncomfortable way! I also agree that there is no body self consciousness preventing me from truly enjoying. I just think it’s not for me!
      However, I still only will date men who are into giving that because I think it’s an important measure of how they are willing to commit to my pleasure. And I am totally happy giving back to them in the same way!

    • teegan says...

      You’re not alone! I choose penetration over oral any time. (I’m one of the lucky ones, too.)

    • anon says...

      Not alone. I prefer hands any day…

    • Cs says...

      Nope, I can’t stand it. I get weirded out and become ticklish. I feel bad because he loves doing it but I just can’t.

    • COmama says...

      You’re not the only one! Speaking as another “lucky one”, oral is just too much direct stimulation on a very sensitive part that prefers it indirect : )

    • Katharine says...

      I’m with you and also with you on nobody ever understanding! I don’t exactly hate it, but it’s just not stimulating or sexy to me.

    • A. says...

      Thanks for the solidarity, gals! Obviously there’s a huge range of “normal” but sometimes I feel like a real outlier with this one LOL. Wishing you all a fun, happy and satisfying sexy times! ;)

  12. L says...

    I’d love to see more about this as well–more acknowledgment, not just from Cup of Jo, about the dry spells in a person’s life and how sometimes being married makes what would otherwise be a perfectly acceptable dry spell a like, Crisis of Connection. I work full time, have two little kids, have some big issues in my decade long marriage that we’re working through, and sex is just no first on my mind. It’s a source of a lot guilt and despair, and of tension between my spouse and me. We do have regular sex, in a scheduled kind of way. But I don’t look forward to it–I kind of dread it–because, for someone who used to really see sex as an integral part of her identity, not wanting to have sex, and disappointing my husband, is just emotionally and intellectually exhausting. I feel deep affection for my husband, and have no sex drive right now. I can’t be the only one???

    • E. says...

      You are NOT the only one.

    • sookiestackhouse says...

      Please see my comment below about lowered sex drive and its link to peri-menopause. Clearly this is a subject we need to confront, and very much a women’s issue. I hope Cup of Jo will provide a forum for education and discussion on this topic…

    • S says...

      Definitely not the only one.

    • A says...

      Yesss! As well as the connections between stress or depression and sex drive and what women have done about it!

    • Emma says...

      Yes! Me too!

    • Lizzie says...

      Nope, you’re not the only one.

    • NFO says...

      We went through this: I had a SUPER intense job, we have two little kids, I was just TIRED. We started scheduling sex a bit which helped and also we set the mood. Phones put away, tv off, just sitting and talking or having a drink together for a bit first. I call it “quieting the voices”: the internal list of OMG I have SO MUCH TO DO. I’ve gotten much better at it with practice, but its essentially mental foreplay for me which has proved to be KEY.

  13. MJ says...

    I love the consent quote! It’s true how sexy it is! When I was on my first date with my now husband, we were making out and I stopped right in the middle, looked him square in the eye and said, “I’m not having sex with you tonight.” He smiled and said, “ok.” We didn’t have sex for a few weeks and when I ask him about it know he said, “When you said that, it was a game changer.” Not that sex on a first date is never a good idea, but it was the response that was important.

  14. sookiestackhouse says...

    I don’t have a “spicy story.” But I do have a request: how about a post on peri-menopause? I’m 44-year-old woman who loves and is attracted to her husband but has lost her sex drive; I despaired privately for ages, and only after a good session with my wise therapist did I consider peri-menopause. No one talks about this. You don’t see it in movies or read about it in books. But it happens to most women between their mid-30s and late 40s. When I mentioned it to my OBGYN, she said she hears these stories daily. Why don’t we talk about it? Please, let’s talk about it.

    • Rusty says...

      I think the WHOLE issue/s of Peri AND Menopause are discussed soooo little! A bit like death, really. It’s gonna happen and we all need to know about it.
      I’m amazed that so many women are taken by surprise when it happens to them and had no clue as to signs and symptoms or the variety of ages it can occur!
      PLEASE… CAN WE DISCUSS THIS IN THIS WONDERFUL, SAFE COMMUNITY? :)

    • Joanna Goddard says...

      yes! this is a great idea. thank you, rusty!

    • Nicola says...

      Yes! To this comment, sadly less said in the bedroom as like you, I am in perimenopause and my sex drive has totally vanished. I just don’t want it ever, and I have a lovely, very cute, still got it, husband. I feel sad for him and he is sooooo understanding. My doctor has been very unhelpful, I have tried everything bar testosterone which is not licensed for use by women in the UK. People say it gets better after the menopause but that could be years away! Its a hidden topic that people are just left to deal with. If anyone has any suggestions????

    • Katey says...

      Hi! This is not an answer but an invitation to reframe the narrative. No sex drive. Got it. But is your erotic energy gone? Make a list of simple bodily pleasures (warm water over your skin, a cool breeze on a hot day, humming into silence, or the taste of an Americano). Your body is not numb to pleasure, so perhaps begin there. Reframe low sex drive to something empowering like, exploring new forms of erotic energy.

      Our notions of sex are fairly boring anyway, but our erotic lives are diverse, wild jungles. Erotic energy is our life force, so it needn’t be sexual or result in a sexual experience. Erotic energy is what gives us pleasure in all the wide degrees pleasure occurs. Pay attention to that and go exploring! The more attention you pay, the higher the pleasure. Your husband won’t be sad or feel rejected, he will probably be intoxicated by your renewed vivacity and lust for life.

      Just to put it is cinematic terms, think of Elizabeth Ehle playing Liza Bennet. When Darcy observes her playing tug-o-war with a great dane, he gets turned on. Her physical pleasure is hot. Also, Katharine Hepburn in The African Queen has the most extraordinary reaction to riding the rapids. The men in the boat take notice. Who is this woman, so overwhelmed with physical pleasure? Yes, I’m centering men’s reactions here, but it is the women who are living the pleasure. That can be us!

    • CS says...

      Thank you for this comment! For those of us entering peri menopause and soon menopause, it would be amazing to share our experiences with each other in this wonderful community.

    • Nicole says...

      Oh my gosh THANK YOU for posting this. I was reading and feeling very alone in that I am 41 and have ZERO sex drive. This makes so much sense. I never even thought about perimenopause!

    • Yes! So many changes happen during peri-menopause that we don”t talk enough about. Let’s do more of that please! This would be a great community for it….

  15. Eva says...

    No real advice or inquiry, but just chiming in to say “i hear you!”

    10 months postpartum and similar feeling—not zero, but very reduced sex drive. (still nursing, fwiw.) when the antsiness does perk up, i make a point of bringing it to the fella’s attention and make myself act on it :) definitely has necessitated a lot of convo betw us, and we’re still working on reconnecting in all the ways.

  16. LMNOP says...

    Help! I have a secret that has been haunting me for the past 5 years at least… I don’t like kissing.
    Or at least, not any of the guys I’ve kissed for the past 5 years. My first kiss I was (sober) at a bar and it was actually good! I remember the rythym just sort of happened and it made sense. I didn’t have sparks bc I didn’t really know the guy but the kiss made sense.
    Every (tongue) kiss since then? I hate. I’m at the point where when a guy tries to kiss me I have to train myself not to swerve away. But I love sex and every other thing you could imagine. I’m not shy about anything but kissing?! Even with my most serious relarionship, I think it worked because he didn’t seem to be super into tongue kissing either.

    I’ve asked myself why this is and I think bc by the time I have sex with someone I have decided I want to. But I’ve had so many unwanted kisses just happen AT me on first dates that I know part of my aversion is from that.
    Still it feels like I’ve been on a bad kissing streak and I don’t know how to break it because aside from that first kiss, I don’t really have any good kissing practice to lean on with these guys!

    I am WELL past the age of innocent dates where all you do is make out and figure each other out. I want to love kissing (and I want to find a person I love to kiss, but that’s a different kind of quandry) but it feels like I never will.

    Any advice? Am I the only one who’s experienced this? Honestly this has been haunting me on all my dates this year because I just can’t believe I am heading into my 30s and still haven’t gotten the hang of this or felt that spark from a kiss.

    • Different types of kisses work with different types of people. Some people tongue well, and some people do lots of mini tongue-less kisses well. All can be sweet, sexy, and incredible, but everyone has their own specialty! I wouldn’t be afraid to try out different types and see what works with your new kissing partner!

    • K says...

      bleh, i hate tongue kissing in reality (in theory and in my dreams and fantasies i love it). tongues literally are so disgusting to me. not really related to what you’re experiencing, but i hear you on not liking them.

    • Lisa says...

      I’m a 40 year old woman, and the last time I was kissed well (I mean REALLY well) was when I was 25. I’ve dated a series of men since then that I just never meshed with kissing wise, and no amount of grooming them or coaching them seemed to help.

      This includes my now fiancé—terrible kisser, but incredibly skilled in bed. I do sometimes miss the super passionate make outs of my younger days, but am proof positive that kissing isn’t always necessary to have an excellent sex life.

    • Anon says...

      Maybe it’s like everything else on the sex menu: some things you like, some things you don’t. Not a big deal, really. Some people love oral sex, others don’t. Some women can orgasm with penal penetration, others need different stimulation. Some people like to kiss, others might not.

      I must add that I am a kisser! If I am really attracted to someone, I love kissing them, and when there is chemistry, it’s hard to mess up! Lol. But really, if you are enjoying each other and finding healthy ways to express your sexuality, who cares? Do what you enjoy. :)

    • Allison says...

      For me – kissing is the best thing ever! But do not introduce that tongue before I give a signal and definitely do not shove your tongue in my mouth on the first kiss.
      I was married to a man who didn’t know how to kiss. I tried to teach him – it didn’t work at all. I finally had to cut kissing out because it was so disappointing. By the end of our marriage I was yearning to be kissed.
      Since I’ve been single again I’ve met good kissers and so-so kissers and some kissers who were smart enough to learn from me. AAAAHHHHHHHHHH.

  17. S K says...

    ughhh ladies,

    I am so jealous of everyone getting it on! (and so happy for you).
    My partner has been depressed, we are both in school and he’s been having a rough go of things for months and months. He just finally started going to therapy (!!!) but i have been through all the seasons of feeling rejected/responsible/insecure/unattractive/confused/hurt/more insecure/did i mention insecure??
    Our relationship still has a lot of touch/snuggles/kisses, but boy do i miss the sex. We used to have GREAT sex, and i never thought we’d be so out of sync with this stuff. I also feel so many complex emotions like guilt/shame when I feel frustrated with the situation.

    any advice would be much appreciated. We’re in our mid-twenties, so the stigma of being young and not having sex is also making me hurt.

    • Lisa says...

      I’d your partner is depressed – hang in there. Pressure is overwhelming when you are depressed, and your partner is probably also feeling all the negative feelings in the world. Reassure each other that you love each other in other ways, kisses, cuddles, telling your partner you’re proud he is going to therapy and taking his own well-being seriously. I have been depressed, and Sex was the last thing in my mind for so many reasons. My then partner once told me “I miss us. I know this is temporary and there is no rush, but I want you to know that I miss sex and being with you. When you feel ready.” It was the best thing to hear, as I felt unwanted and ugly and my depression made me think that he didn’t find me attractive anymore. It was so reassuring that he told me nothing has changed, and that that he understood.

    • Sar says...

      SK, I feel you. My partner (he’s 29, I’m 33) and I have been together for 5 years, lived together for 4 and even worked together for most of that duration! Many, many times have I heard us be quoted as a benchmark for relationship success. We’re both in decent shape, and neither of us has any significant, long-term mental health concerns. Despite all this, we average sex around 3-5 times a year.
      I’d be happy with 3-5 times a week! Everyone I’ve spoken with about it just says “Talk to him!”, but they may forget just how many feelings are wrapped up in physical intimacy. Our relationship is strong in every other way, so I can usually forget about it entirely. When it’s on my mind, though? The feelings of shame, lack of desirability…it’s tough.

      I wish you luck with your own situation. It really does sound like therapy will help! And perhaps CoJ could soothe us with a post regarding “dry spells” in the future. I know we’re not alone. 😊

    • Katie says...

      don’t worry about the stigma (yes, yes, easier said than done) because it’s only your choice whether they know how much you’re having sex or not (as in, you tell them or you don’t and leave them to assume you’re doing whatever). my recommendation is to continue being kind and understanding of your partner, he’s going through a really hard time, and as someone who has been there before, he’s not rejecting YOU or being insecure about YOU, he’s got a lot going on in his own head about rejecting himself and being insecure about himself. Things will hopefully improve with therapy, but while he’s dealing with this really heavy stuff, you don’t need to lose you gf! While it may be lacking the actual “physical” part that you miss, I’ve found that self-attention and listening to really detailed podcasts or reading some really hot and heavy books, and really really getting creative in my own head about fantasies and the like has gotten me through some dry spells. And about the guilt/shame, if your best girlfriend was going through this and she felt shame, would you agree that she should feel shame? Of course you wouldn’t! You’d say, I get it! You want sex and/or intimacy! It’s totally legit! Sending hugs. Hope you have some good dreams coming your way (I looooove sexy dreams!)

    • Y says...

      Hi SAR–my relationship was similar to yours, but we were together for 9 years. We had the same situation you do. I always assumed we’d someday, one day, somehow eventually “figure it out” and get back on track–but we never did, and though we were perfect together we didn’t last. The lack of communication about sex trickled into so many other areas that by the time we split up our relationship was only perfect and amazing on the outside. On the inside, we had lost touch with one another (and with ourselves) without realizing it. I’ve heard that when sex is good, it’s 20% of the relationship. When it’s bad, it’s 80%. I would ask you if you can see yourself happily living the rest of your life exactly the way it currently is? Let your answer guide you to what you should do next. (For what it’s worth, I would tell my current self to do something, anything–just not nothing.)

    • S says...

      And S K, I have no idea if this would be helpful to you, but I highly recommend Dr Jennifer Finlayson-Fife. She mainly targets conservative religious women on her podcast, but for someone outside that community, I have still found her insights and education about sex dynamics to be SO helpful. Might be worth a listen!

    • M says...

      S K I so feel for you!
      You’re not selfish for needing connection and for wanting to be cared for. My now-ex was depressed for most of our relationship, and when he started anti-depressants it completely took away his interest in sex, and he wasn’t willing to work together to find a new definition of intimacy for us. Even though I wholeheartedly prioritized his mental health and intellectually knew that it wasn’t about me, it still really hurt to have that part of our relationship taken away. I felt a lot of shame and selfishness for WANTING and for thinking about myself and my needs. Any attempt to talk about sex resulted in hurt feelings and too much “pressure”.

      Our relationship has since ended for many reasons, but I do still think that the loss of our sex life, especially when I also felt shouldered with the caretaker role to support him, contributed to the resentment I began to feel towards him.
      Sorry this wasn’t a super hopeful note, but I want you to know that you’re not alone in what you’re struggling with and there’s no shame in a desire to feel wanted through intimacy with your partner. I hope the therapy helps!

    • Jane says...

      I am in my 40s and in exactly the same situation as you. My partner has become depressed recently and our once amazing sex life has pretty much now dried up. I feel undesirable and rejected and that is tough. I understand the reasons why but it is difficult. I too have a lot of touch/kisses/I love you’s but I do miss the lack of deeper intimacy. I struggle to talk to him about it for fear of saying the wrong thing when he is struggling mentally already.

    • E says...

      I am also coming to the end of 3-5 years of this. there’s a subreddit r/deadbedroom on this that I found helfpul (if only to make me realize I am not alone). i too went through the shame of rejection/feeling unattractive/insecure/like i’m not normal, etc.

      It really hurt in the beginning, and then turned into anger. I’m leaving the relationship for that and other reasons (his depression probably aggravated it for the 3-5 years part of it). But even if quantity improved, given his underlying attitude and perspective on sex, I realized quality is not likely to improve.

      Wishing you the best through this, but just wanted to share that you are not alone, and it’s NOT you.

      Having dipped my toe back into the dating pool and met a couple of new partners, I’m even more perplexed about the “dead bedroom” situation in my marriage (that is ending), but Emily Nagoski’s book, “Come as you are” has helped immensely.

    • O M says...

      Hi SK,
      firstly sorry to hear about your situation and how your feeling about it- its tough! this is not necessarily advice as such but just my experience that may be a helpful (or not- ignore as you like!)
      Mental health is so complicated and no one case is the same etc. etc. and our situation is related to anxiety rather than depression and what you’d probably call situational anxiety (not sure if thats an actual term?) so this may all be totally different and quite possibly more short term than your partners situation. Anyway all those disclaimers in place – when my boyfriend was in his final year of university he was under a huge amount of stress and having a really hard time of things and it really impacted his interest in sex, at the time I found it really hard and felt all the feelings you’ve said, we’d been together 4/5 years, it was our first year living together and we were in our very early 20s (actually I must have only been 19) , even though he told me that it was the stress of university, all i could think it was me that he wasn’t interested in. 8 years later, that boyfriend now husband has had a really stressful year with running his own company, thankfully he has found antidepressants really helpful for dealing with the anxiety- the only downside, massive decrease in our sex life. but the big difference for me this time is I know it isn’t about me! (just like your partners isn’t about you) I don’t know if its because I’m older or if its the difference between a 12 year relationship and a 4 year relationship and the general increase in my security in myself and our relationship that comes with both of those, but this time around I totally see this as a phase in our relationship, that has nothing to do with me! that yeah of course isn’t ideal, and I miss that part of our relationship (which normally is a VERY good part of it and with these exceptions always has been)but this is a temporary situation and I’m so glad that he’s found something that makes him feel so much better and that while intimate affection might be on the backburner for the moment that the physical affection is still there, and that apart from the lack of sex everything else is really great! and in time things will be easier for him with work and he’ll be able to come off them and the sex will be back.
      Anyway, sorry this is so long but just thought it might be helpful to hear a an experience of a similar situation – all the very best and I really hope things work out for you guys!
      p.s. totally second the person saying its no ones business how much sex you’re having and if you feel like you have to say how much sex you’re having for any reason -you can lie! it’s doesn’t hurt anyone and might help with some of the stigma you feel.

  18. Meghan says...

    So anyone who’s looking for more sex-positivity in their life…I was surprised to find a sweet little internet community on the sex thread (r/sex) on Reddit. As a woman in her mid-20s whose public school sex education was minimal, it’s been really helpful in giving me different perspectives on healthy expressions of sexuality and language to express my own.

  19. Sarah says...

    Really appreciate the comment on lesbian sex!

    I’ve been struggling with depression for more than a year now, and that’s greatly affected our sex life. I just… don’t feel the urge. Many posts and comments on here helped give me the language to address it with her, and to create an environment where we could openly and honestly talk about our needs. It’s really been getting better lately! Sometimes we schedule sex, sometimes we are just sexual with no “real” sex… try whatever tricks you need, don’t just stick to one!

  20. Jenny says...

    I’ve got a burning question— not in a gonorrhea way— what’s up with guys with low sexual sensitivity/ who require really hard and vigorous touch to get there? Is it a millennial men whose sex brains are washed in too much serotonin from tons of porn? Death grip syndrome? He’s just not that into me? I know sex is a circle with no end, but this particular thing dings my lady confidence

    • J says...

      Everyone’s body is different! People have different stimulation needs. If a woman needs a lot of clitoral stimulation, that doesn’t mean she’s “not that into you.” She just needs a lot of clitoral stimulation to have an orgasm. Similarly, a guy might just need (or prefer!) a stronger touch. It doesn’t necessarily have a meaning.

    • Elle says...

      Hi jenny, all I can say is it’s 100% NOT you!!!
      Every guy I’ve met who has this need (it’s on a spectrum of that intensity but I know exactly what you are talking about) watches porn, masturbates a ton, has lots of sex partners, or some combination of the above. I think J replying is also right that of course it’s personal to everyone. But I have noticed this trend among younger guys (20s/30s – it’s all that I date but I do think it’s odd and I started asking them in roundabout ways of their habits).
      At the end of the day, this is TRULY a situation where it is not you- it’s all on them!

    • R says...

      Ugh. I experienced this. It was a guy who was way into death grip masturbation. Like 5 times a day. Needless to say, we didn’t last long!

    • Ash says...

      This is a fascinating comment. I can’t help but to agree or wonder how porn, and it’s availability, conditions the body / brain to want this. I’d love to hear a sex therapist or someone of that nature chime in.

      I had one date with a man like that and it was too much for me so I get it.

  21. J says...

    I’m so thankful for my husband’s attention to consent, from when we first started dating to now, many years into our relationship.

    When we were only a few dates in, we were making out, and things got a little more intense than I had expected. At one point, he asked if he could go down on me. I was so surprised by him asking that I hesitated, and he took that moment of hesitation as a sign that I wasn’t fully on board — and he just happily returned to kissing/touching, without any weirdness or disappointment or hurt feelings.

    Now, years into our relationship, I find that he still puts so much emphasis on not just doing what I am willing to do but doing what I am excited to do (or nothing at all, if I’m not excited about it). It feels like such an act of care that I appreciate deeply, and also, it’s pretty sexy.

    • E says...

      Yes!! This was what I experienced with my boyfriend- before dating him I always knew I would say no if I was uncomfortable and that I wouldn’t want to be w someone who didn’t respect my boundaries, but his level of sweet consent and complete lack of disappointment if/when I say no to something makes me feel so seen and cared for!

  22. Anon says...

    @Olivia

    You are not alone. The first thing I thought when I read that was “OMG that sounds exhausting.” And agreed, it’s not a comment on lesbian sex or anyone else who enjoys hours long sexcapades; it’s definitely more of a reflection of where I am in my life than anything else (hello decade long marriage + small child + self employment..).

  23. Meg says...

    We just finished season 2 of Sex Education on Netflix and everyone should watch it (season 1 was also fantastic). The characters are so well written and it deals with sex (at all ages! And of all types!) with such honesty and heart. It inspires me to be open with my kids as they grow and get older and to embrace my own sexuality as a grown woman with a wonderful husband and to enjoy the phase of life we are in too. A must watch!

    • Jennifer says...

      Totally agree. The way they show consent is one of the best and most natural examples I’ve ever seen.

    • Meg says...

      Yes! The portrayal of consent in such a natural and thoughtful way felt revolutionary.

  24. A says...

    This is just all around amazing, and I love the comments! Thank you to CoJ for continuing to make content that frames all types of sexuality in such a positive light <3

  25. f&f says...

    My partner and I are coming up on 3 years together. We moved from SF to NYC in the last year and love our lives here. However, we seem to have left our sex life in SF. Not sure how to re-ignite it at this point. Perhaps suggesting that we see a sex therapist?

    • amber says...

      Maybe try the Dan Savage suggestion in the comment a ways above: commit to scheduled sex anywhere other than your bed. Or just commit to scheduled sex, period. As many here say, anticipation can carry a lot of energy.

  26. Jule says...

    We’ve been together 10 years now, so my husband and I like to dirty text the other while one of us is away to spice things up. Like filthy, make me blush at work, “please destroy my phone if I die so my mother doesn’t see this” sort of sexting. It’s the best when we’re on business trips, because the anticipation of seeing each other cancels out the drudgery of travel.

  27. Lauren says...

    I am 8 months postpartum and have zero desire to have sex! I have been weaning from breastfeeding and hoped that hormone shift would help but still nothing. My husband has been incredibly supportive throughout this process and I haven’t felt pressured by him to have sex when I have zero sex drive, but I am starting to feel guilty about our lack of sexual intimacy. Hormones are such a riddle! I know this situation is different for all women, but your wisdom is much appreciated.

    • Cheryl says...

      I don’t have wisdom, just wanted to say I went through this too. I don’t have a magical solution except to say when your partner initiates, even if you don’t feel like it, let yourself be “talked” into it. It’s just sex after all! My partner used to put the baby down while I got some much needed me time. I found I was ready for him after. Was I particularly in the mood? Hell no. But afterwards, glowing with endorphins, I was glad I had obliged and meeting his need is part of a partnership.

    • Agnès says...

      Of course! It takes Time, you re busy taking care of a baby right now… trust your body, desire will come back when you least expect it and you will be thrilled that your body is so healthy and strong.

    • Hannah says...

      Hi Lauren!
      Ugh, I’ve totally been there and it’s hard. My best advice (that is what has worked for me) is have sex. And not in a “you need to please your man” way, at all (!!), but in a way that acknowledges you’re in a tough season but the physical aspect of your relationship matters. It seemed like the regular sex (however uninspiring it might have been at first) started to remind my body that it wasn’t such a bad thing after all. Scheduling sex helps, as does a very honest conversation about expectations for what your time entails. Don’t be afraid to set those expectations low! Your body has gone through a lot and don’t feel guilty about things needing to look different. Feel free to experiment and feel free to say when something is not working. Postpartum sex is an ongoing conversation, and the more honest you both can be with each other, hopefully the easier. Get a good lube, and don’t be embarrassed to talk to your doctor or a pelvic floor therapist if you’re finding things are painful and that’s stopping you.
      And of course, this is just what worked for me. You will figure things out, it will get better! You got this.

    • anni says...

      well, sometimes it isn’t “just sex” and also men’s “needs” aren’t so simple. i totally hear that this works for you and your relationship, but i also just wanna say that for many women and many men there are complicated emotional aspects to sex. Like for many men its among the only physical contact and closeness they have with *anyone* and its very reassuring. and for some new moms whose partner is male, it can feel like someone else to take care of and they may have feelings about that that they don’t even know what they are. (i can’t speak for women whose partners are not male bc thats my experience.)

    • Caitlin says...

      Just wanted to say you’re not alone! My husband and I felt like we started to get our groove back around 9 or 10 months postpartum. For me, it was really helpful to STOP going along with sex when I wasn’t into it. Took the pressure off, and honestly then when we did have sex it was much much better. Hang in there, mama!

    • Hannah says...

      Anni, I am an no way shape or form trying to simplify the issue. I have felt both those things you have mentioned deeply in my own marriage, and there is no right answer or easy solution. I don’t want to undermine the real pain that can underly these experiences! Thank you for pointing that out, I had only hoped to provide some practical help, not to provide a pat answer of “just do this and it will be better.”

    • Emily says...

      Lauren-You are not alone. I think especially for nursing moms it’s really complex. I remember this feeling so well. I couldn’t possibly deal with my husband wanting anything from my body-especially my breasts. It felt so burdensome. I will say if I suspended my own mental irritation around it, I did find sex enjoyable once we got going and I felt more empowered to get my own needs met since so much of mothering is meeting the needs of everyone else. Hang in there and do what feels right to you. xo

    • Jenna C says...

      I have two girls and it just takes me a loooong time to get it back! We were having great sex before my second came and 15 months later I’m juuuuuuuuust getting back in…

    • anni says...

      (hi hannah, sorry- it was cheryl’s comment i was quoting about “just sex” and I know it looked like it was about your comment, which i hadn’t even seen yet! i need to learn to use names here whoops)

    • Le says...

      Hi, Lauren, I felt similarly when I was breastfeeding/weaning. It took four months after our child was completely weaned before I started feeling “in the mood” at all or even like it felt good. So be patient with yourself–it could totally be the hormones. Honestly, for me, until then, it was painful.

    • Anna says...

      This is fairly off-topic for the comment that everyone replied to here, but I’m “replying” because it was a lively chat for new moms, and hoping that one or two of you (or anyone else!) might come back and see this. I’m pregnant with my first and while my issues are not necessarily pregnancy-specific, I feel like it’s pregnancy-initiated.

      My advice question is: How do you communicate with your partner WHILE you’re having sex? Gentle nudges and murmurs have always worked for us (I’d say we’re both kind of shy in bed) – but I find myself more recently wanting to say “god will you PLEASE stop doing that” or “The way you’re touching me makes me feel like a cow.” That’s not how we usually talk to each other and I can’t think of a faster way to ruin a whole night, not just the sex. My husband is a sensitive, quiet, great listener – he’s great with feedback always. But I am in uncharted waters with myself physically and emotionally, as well as sexually. It’s making me feel out of touch with someone I know would be there for me if I could communicate effectively. Any advice?

    • Hannah says...

      Anna- pregnancy sex can be so weird. I would try having a conversation ahead of time about how you’re feeling in your changing body. Let him know you would like start being more direct during sex about what is feeling good and what isn’t, so you can both have a better experience. I had vaginisums for the first 3 years of my marriage and through my first pregnancy. I had to learn to be very frank about what I wanted my husband to do. I was so frustrated with all the change my body was going through, but I eventually realized my body (and our sex life!) would be constantly changing with postpartum, more pregnancies, peri-meopause, menopause, etc. Sex is a life-long conversation, and opening up that line of communication is so valuable! It can be scary and vulnerable though, best of luck to you!

  28. Anna says...

    Some of the best sex advice I ever got was- surprisingly- from my high school health teacher. I doubt that she came up with this, but she told us, “if you are not comfortable taking to someone about safe sex, you should not be having sex with that person.” And, apply it to your partner- if they are not comfortable/willing to discuss protection, that’s a big nope. Worrying about protection is not one of my turn ons!

  29. J says...

    Every now and then we will sleep in our spare bedroom because it makes the sex feel like were on vacation… but for free! Lol I love it everytime.

  30. Jessica says...

    My comment made the list! I feel like I just won the best award award. This post is giving me inspiration for how to celebrate…

  31. NK says...

    I have a concern to share and am wondering if anyone has had a similar experience. My boyfriend shared that he has an issue with/addiction to pornography, mostly that it has affected his sex drive. We only have sex about once per month, and usually it’s when he initiates. Obviously this has had a negative impact on my self esteem. I’ve shared this with him and he adamantly denies that his attraction to me has anything to do with his decrease in sex drive. Has anyone gone through this? Any insights or knowledge or resources to share?

    • MM says...

      NK – I don’t have any advice or resources but I saw your comment and wanted to say you are totally enough and there is nothing wrong with you. Chin up girlfriend, it sounds like most of the issues stem from your BF’s porn preoccupation and he should address that because it’s not working for both of you and negatively impacting your self-esteem. I repeat, there is NOTHING wrong with you :) Sending a big hug.

    • amber says...

      porn is generally toxic for most people. if your boyfriend is unwilling to admit he has a problem then it’s up to you to let go of an unhealthy relationship – because your heart, your time, your energy is worth it. how does anyone healthy stay with someone who specifically chooses porn over an actual human?

    • Lilly says...

      I left my husband (the father of my children) because the sex was infrequent and dehumanizing, at least partially due to his porn addiction. We did years of sex therapy, marital counseling, and church counseling. Finally, I accepted that our sex life would never be change to the point that I would be genuinely satisfied.

      It’s ok to decide that a healthy sexual connection is an essential part of a relationship for you. It’s also ok to decide that it’s not. Good luck, sister.

    • Kate G says...

      Hi NK! I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’m glad your boyfriend shared his struggle with you, instead of hiding it, and that he’s trying to assure you that it’s not about you or your attractiveness (this is how I read your description – my apologies if that is off). The next step would be for him to speak to a professional – someone who has experience with pornography addiction, who won’t shame him about it or approach the issue from “all porn is bad, always” perspective. Ideally, you guys could go to some sessions with that person together, so you’d have a chance to understand the issue, share how it impacts you, and work together on a plan for change. I suggest looking on the AASECT website for therapists who are certified in sex therapy: http://www.aasect.org. You deserve to be in a relationship with someone who is committee to making you feel good, through word AND action.

    • Melanie says...

      Hi NK, I highly recommend listening to the Dear Sugar Podcast episodes on porn and porn addiction. They discuss the exact subject you are dealing with. They are very insightful may help bring clarity to your feelings and situation.

    • Candace says...

      My dad’s porn addiction ultimately ended my parent’s 20-year marriage. My mom knew about his addition when they got married but she assumed it would resolve itself. It didn’t and it poisoned their relationship. Porn is usually portrayed in the media as something harmless and funny but it’s effects on the typical human brain are massively misunderstood.

    • AH says...

      Hi, I am so sorry you’re dealing with this and he’s very likely telling the truth that it is not about attraction to you. Porn addiction is very real and changes the brain and body’s response to physical sexual activity. BUT the awesome thing about the brain is it’s always changing and can be changed for the better/healthier. Frequent porn use can absolutely decrease sensitivity and libido, for men and women. Since he has verbalized it as an addiction or at least an issue, I would have a conversation about trying therapy. There are certified sex addiction therapists who specialize in porn addiction, which may be more appropriate than a sex therapist (different training and certifications). If you guys go the therapy route I would approach it as interviewing to find a good fit- some approaches are more dogmatic and old school about porn being all bad, but there has been a big sex positivity movement over the last decade in the sex addiction field. All of this is to say that a problem with porn isn’t hopeless!

  32. Katie says...

    For those who are intrigued by the dimmer switch, you should check out the Minna Limon! The harder you or your partner squeezes, the harder it vibrates. (Full disclosure: my husband helped design it!)

    • M says...

      Love the Minna Limon–I find it much more versatile then the Hitachi, and the speed control is really fun!

  33. JBM says...

    I can’t believe that arriving separately at restaurants tip is from 2012!! My now-husband and I started doing that when I first read the tip back then and it’s still such a fun way to amp up a date night. It’s become my go-to recommendation for newlyweds :)

    • Joanna Goddard says...

      aww, that makes me happy, JBM!

    • Emily says...

      The first time I ever saw that in action was in that old movie When A Man Loves a Woman!

  34. AmyB says...

    I can’t say enough good things about quickies. Even if it isn’t full-on sex, my husband and I both really enjoy quick, frenzied encounters while our three kids are momentarily occupied; we hook up all over the house 😂 It’s very reminiscent of your teenage years, when the risk of getting caught made it all more exciting, and it keeps things spicy during those times that we’re too busy (i.e. too exhausted) to devote real time to sex.

    • Joanna Goddard says...

      love this :)

    • EJC says...

      I love this idea! My partner and I currently have a temporary roommate and a creaky bed, so we’ve had many more stolen moment-style hook ups than full blown sessions recently and I have to say I am LOVING it. Just need to make sure we keep it going once the roomie is out and it’s back to just us.

      I adore these kinds of posts, and have taken so many of the comments and recommendations to heart over the years. So happy to see that the “meet at the restaurant” tip has gained such a following! Joanna, the way you described watching Alex interact with others when you’re out in a group, and how it made you fall for him all over again resonated SO much with me. It hit me hard one evening while at a friends’ place for dinner. I saw my partner over in the corner of the room approaching another guest who was clearly feeling uncomfortable and like the odd one out. Social situations with strangers aren’t the easiest for my guy either, but he felt for this fellow and was determined to make him feel at ease and bring him into the group. His kind instincts were super sexy and I was so proud to call him mine.

    • COmama says...

      Yes! we do this too, AMYB! It’s a fun, low-pressure, high-frequency way to keep us in the groove, at least until we have a “date night” with more time ; )

  35. Emily says...

    My now husband and I were friends for about 6 months before we started dating. The first time he asked me to dinner alone, I said “yeah, that sounds fun,” to which he said “no, I mean as a date.” When we’d been dating a few weeks, he stopped making out with me one night and said “it seems like we’re headed in a direction where we should talk about sex.” His directness and clarity of intention was and is honestly one of the sexiest things about him.

    • Olivia says...

      Two things.

      1. I’m blown away by the comment about lesbian sex not having a defined end. This is a dead serious question – does anyone else feel like that sounds…less than ideal? Am I sexless or something? I rather like that there is an end point when I have sex. The idea of an hours long “session” sounds not terrifically enjoyable. Please tell me I’m not alone (this isn’t meant as a lesbian sex criticism, it’s a me criticism)

      2. I do agree that consent is sexy. My husband would ask “is this okay” and was so slow and tender when we got back to having sex after our daughter was born (and I had a c section no less, so it’s not like there was vaginal trauma to speak of). It was SUCH A TURN ON.

    • Olivia says...

      The above was not meant as a reply 🤦🏻‍♀️

    • Anon says...

      Olivia, I kind of thought the same thing when I read the Lesbian sex comment. Every couple is different, of course, so I would think that many lesbian couples ‘aim’ to have orgasms and consider it a completed session once the mission is accomplished. To each their own, but I can imagine some lesbians reading the post and also thinking…”Hours-long sessions?!?!?! That sounds exhausting.”

  36. amy says...

    I love hearing from other readers!

  37. M says...

    My New Year’s resolution is to order from Amazon once a month instead of whenever I want something (because really, IT CAN WAIT). But that dimmer switch is going in my cart for my February order as a Valentine’s Day gift to myself!

    • Amy says...

      I love this once a month thing! I’m stealing it, and hope others do too!

  38. Cherri Porter says...

    If you’re looking for a sexy podcast, I love Read Me Romance. Some of the stories are steamy and some are very steamy. Plus, the hosts are delightful.

  39. K says...

    One of my favorite things to do is walk around Boston’s busy financial district on my lunch break listening to erotic podcasts/books. It fuels the “mood” (for me) to be listening to someone describe an erotic act while everyone around me rushes to a meeting or lunch or whatever. It’s like my own little secret.

    • Joanna Goddard says...

      this is so awesome, K!

    • AJ says...

      This is awesome. I too work in that area. From now on I’m going to wonder if any of the be-headphoned woman I see walking at lunchtime is you listening to naughty pods!

    • txilibrin says...

      I’ll keep an eye on people looking “flustered” in this freeeeeeezing weather we have right now ;)

    • Emily says...

      I work in the financial district–and I’m smiling and laughing just knowing this act of rebellion is going on around me!

    • Abigail says...

      I’m in the midst of a job search after being laid off. It’s a mind numbing, demoralizing experience, and you’ve inspired me to take a mid-day walk while listening to one of the erotic podcasts recommended in this comment thread. I need a small act of rebellion in my life right now.

      Thanks CoJ community for adding some interest to my otherwise mundane day. Big love to each of you.

  40. Tiffani says...

    My boyfriend and I don’t live together yet, I have physical custody of my 14 year old daughter, and we live in different cities 30 minutes apart. So we have to schedule sex or it would never happen. His cellphone is provided by his employer so I can’t send him overtly sexual messages. So instead when it’s time to schedule sex, I send him a meme of Jemaine Clement that says “It’s Business Time”. It’s actually very efficient and it cracks us both up every time.

    • Tiffanie says...

      @Tiffani

      Thanks for the chuckle! Love Jemaine- totally rewatching FOC this winter!

    • Erika says...

      My husband and I quote business time pretty much any time we’re going to have sex (or take out the recycling).

      “It’s all part of it.”

    • Lisa says...

      Jermaine is insanely sexy, so that makes sense

    • Erin says...

      The line from that song where he says “That’s why they’re called business socks” always makes me lose it laughing.

    • Tiffani says...

      I also have to agree with everyone else who likes scheduling sex. I’m a person who lives and died by routines so spontaneity is actually very hard for me and makes me anxious. I love the clear goal setting nature of scheduling sex. And the anticipation makes it even hotter than it would otherwise be.