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9 Sex Tips You Might Not Have Heard Before

Nine Sex Tips

On this Thursday afternoon, let’s have a little girl talk, shall we? Today, we’re sharing nine tips (and a discount code!) straight from the expert: Dame co-founder and resident sexologist, Alex Fine…

9 Sex Tips You Haven't Heard Before

Alex’s background is in applied psychology, including the study of sexuality, and she believes sex is a powerful force in our lives. That’s why Dame is committed to researching and improving our relationship to sex.

“At Dame, we’re trying to make the world a happier place, one vulva at a time,” Alex says. To that end, here are her top ten tips:

1. Create good lighting.
“Your environment can really help you get in the mood and stay present with your partner. Like many people, we have a simple on/off light switch in our bedroom. That can be limiting. When you keep the lights fully on, it can take you out of the mood so quickly. But if you turn off the lights and it’s very dark, it can be hard to connect with your partner. So, if you have a dimmer switch, use it! And if you don’t, like us, you can get creative. Try a tinted lightbulb. Honestly, I’ll even throw a red T-shirt over the lamp in our bedroom. It makes such a big difference!”

Nine Sex Tips

2. Get to know yourself.
“Masturbation (with or without this magical toy) can be a quick release if that’s what you’re in the mood for. But it can also be a great time for you to explore how you like to be touched. Do you like tickles? Do you like hard pressure? Self-knowledge is power. Once you know this, you can communicate what you like to a partner.”

3. Have sex BEFORE dinner.
“One thing I’ve discovered over the years is that I do not, I repeat, do not want to have sex after a big dinner. That’s the worst time. After having food and drinks, you can feel full and sleepy. It can also put pressure on the night, like something needs to happen afterward. If you find the time for sex before dinner, it often feels so much better! And then you can just enjoy yourself, with no after-dinner expectations.”

4. Play with toys.
“Vibrators can help people to open up and enjoy sex, or to simply enhance the experience. No matter your preferences, there’s a vibrator out there for everyone! Fin is a tiny one, which makes it a great beginner toy. It fits onto your fingertip, and can face forward or backward, depending on whether you want more stimulation (vibrator facing down) or less (vibrator on the back of your finger, so your fingertips vibrate). You can use it alone, or with a partner. For partner play, Eva is amazing. It’s hands-free, and tucks in to provide clitoral stimulation. It doesn’t feel like it’s competing with the rest of the action, which a lot of people appreciate.”

5. Don’t be afraid to schedule sex.
“Sometimes, life gets in the way and it can be hard to be spontaneous. Scheduling sex may sound boring, but I actually think it’s the opposite. When you know you have something planned, you can can flirt and text and anticipate — all that lead time becomes foreplay.”

Nine Sex Tips

6. Use a pillow.
“Experiment with using a pillow or cushion to support your body at different angles. People don’t realize that holding your body weight up takes energy. Holding yourself in a certain position creates tension that can actually hinder your ability to relax and enjoy pleasure. Pillo, our pillow for sex, is created to provide different angles of support. If you have a male partner, propping yourself on a pillow can also help if he is on the bigger or smaller side and you want to feel it less or more.”

7. Try different positions.
“From my own conversations and experiences, many women report being able to have stronger orgasms on their stomachs. This is an easy thing to try, whether solo or with a partner. Lying flat on my stomach with a pillow underneath my hips is one of the easiest ways I know how to achieve an orgasm. So, turn over! Try different positions. Different things work well for different bodies.”

8. Don’t keep count.
“Don’t count how often you’re having sex. Just take stock of whether you’re feeling fulfilled or not. When you base your identity on how much or how often you’re having sex, it puts unnecessary pressure on the situation. You can be in a happy relationship where you don’t have much sex. Maybe you’re both really busy right now, and that’s fine. If you desire more sex, talk about it! But know that frequency is not indicative of the health of the relationship.”

9. Know it’s not just you.
“There’s one statistic I always want to remind people of, which is that 4 percent of women report that penetration is the main way they reach orgasm. That means 96 percent of women — 96 percent! — need some amount of clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm. However you slice the numbers, clitoral stimulation is really important. Whenever I share this number, women look so relieved to find out it’s not just them. It’s never just you!”

Nine Unexpected Sex Tips

Needless to say, we are huge fans of Dame, the company founded by two women who want to revolutionize sex toys through research, smart design and plenty of empathy. Dame aims to close the pleasure gap — 91% of cis-men say they “usually” or “always” orgasm during sex, compared with only 39% of cis-women. Their products are beautiful and functional, with ingenious and thoughtful details. We love their mission and highly recommend them. (Especially this.)

Great news: Dame is offering Cup of Jo readers 10% off with code CUPOFJO. Thank you so much!

(Photos courtesy of Dame. This post is sponsored by Dame, a company whose mission we believe in. Thanks for supporting the brands that help keep Cup of Jo running.)

  1. S says...

    Going into menopause early has made sex more complicated that I anticipated. My doctor has just recommended UberLube. Sounds like it might be helpful for more than just myself.

  2. Meghan says...

    Definitely intrigued by Pillo – I broke my back (T12/L1/2 vertebrae) a year or so ago and I’ve found certain positions (basically anything from behind) is so painful for my back – like a weird combo of a muscle spasm/being stabbed right where the injury was. If anyone else has ever struggled with this, would also love ideas.

    • Vera says...

      Hello Meghan – Sorry to hear you are dealing with this. I’ve struggled with sex and back issues as well. I don’t know the specifics of your situation, but I found that when my back was at it’s worst, either standing positions or positions where I was in control (like being on top) allowed us to do more but keep control of navigating around the pain. May not be anything new you haven’t tried before, but for what it’s worth!

      p.s. I would LOVE to see Cup of Jo do some kind of feature on sex and/or intimacy for women who are dealing with injury, disability, and illness. Whether that’s a back injury like Meghan or post-cancer like myself – so many women out there are attempting to navigate these issues are no one is talking about them. It would mean so much to see our experiences represented on this platform. Thanks.

  3. C says...

    Just ordered Eva! Can’t wait. Speaking of Eva, y’all, I need your help.

    I am in a new relationship with a fantastic guy but I’m entering new territory. I’ve decided that I deserve to enjoy sex just as much as my male partner(s) does(have) so I’m trying to do a better job of saying what I want and need from them during sex to make sure we both have the best time possible. (How radical.)

    To be fair, this new guy isn’t actually new to me. We dated briefly about five years ago. The sex was fine, not satisfying, but fine. (I was in my 20s and didn’t realize that I deserved to be enjoying sex too.) We ran into each other a few months ago and hit it off again. Unsurprisingly, the sex is still just fine. (We enjoy each other so much that this isn’t the end of the world but I am determined to make our sex not just fine but great.) After the third time we slept together (this time around), he asked if he was doing something wrong because he didn’t think I’d had an orgasm since we started seeing each other again. In an effort to stick to my new outlook on sex, I was honest and told him that I hadn’t had one with him *ever* and that I’d only ever had one partner with whom had regularly and consistently had orgasms. He. Was. Shocked. I explained that this is just what it’s like for a lot of women. Unfortunately, he’s certain that all of his partners have had consistent orgasms with him. I quote, “there’s no way anyone could fake it that well.” I tried again to explain that a lot of women resort to faking because of men’s fragile egos. But we’re tired of it and we’re not doing that crap anymore. Fragile egos need to be broken.

    So, I’m going to visit him for our birthdays (long-distance…oof) and I’m bringing Eva along. I’m determined to have great sex on my birthday and show him what that looks like for me. I’m excited but also ter-ri-fied. Any tips on how I might go about introducing a discreet toy into the mix? Or, if you’ve ever been in a similar situation, what have you done? Also, thank you for reading this far.

    • Mona says...

      I’m so inspired by your decision! Thank you for sharing this. I have no idea how to do it but you’ve planted a seed in my mind.

    • E says...

      You’ve already accomplished so much by talking to him honestly, asking for outside ideas, AND buying Eva!! A fun idea could be to make it a “game” – tell him ahead of time that for your birthdays you should both think of something new/fun/never been done/always thought about and you can do it to celebrate. You = bringing Eva. Him = Who knows! Maybe he has an exciting kink he’s never shared with you or anyone else. So then you’re both feeling the excitement and nervousness build, not just you solo! Or if you’re feeling especially bold, you could start using the vibrator during FaceTime or a phone call to introduce him to it and get him excited to meet it in person!

    • Lana says...

      Have him watch When Harry Met Sally. Harry was pretty sure he’s be able to tell, too. 😉 The only advice I have is to just keep doing what your doing! It’s very brave of you to be so honest and frankly I wish I had done more of that because I’d have had a lot less mediocre sex!

    • Lisa says...

      Yes! Take your pleasure into your own hands! This is what I did: started seeing a guy who actually asked me “what do you need?” The very first time we had sex and I didn’t orgasm. I bluntly said “a soft tongue, no rushing, and knowing you actually want to give me pleasure.” He nodded, went to town, and I kept encouraging him with “exactly like that” or “yes, continue” or “do that again” when he did something that felt amazing. When it felt more like “‘meh” I just stayed silent. What I learned since then is that most men want you to enjoy yourself but might also be too shy to ask. Why don’t you tell him you bought a new toy, and it feels great, but you think it would feel amazing to use it with his help? And honestly, if he is intimidated by that then find someone who isn’t. Life is short and you deserve orgasms.

    • Meghan says...

      I have no tips to offer…only a big virtual high five!! May we all endeavor to have those types of brave, honest conversations in our sex lives. You go, lady.

    • Jessica says...

      If he’s open to it, I would strongly recommend reading the book “come as you are” by Emily nagoski together. It outlines the science behind female sexuality, it’s basically a guide to great orgasms. It was completely eye opening to me and really changed the way I view my own sexuality. Very empowering. But it’s more useful if he understands the concepts too.

    • Catie says...

      Oh, I feel you so much! Please report back how it went! I bought Eva because of the CoJ recommendation as well, and I haven‘t dared to bring it out yet since. I‘m worried it might make a weird/desperate impression and then NOT EVEN deliver the goods (you know what I mean;-)). And then it‘ll be awkward what with that pricey purchase! So please, comment here how he reacted and if it was (the sex, I mean) good, if you don‘t mind sharing! I never fake anything, so he knows about the problem, but I‘m not good at giving directions for the other things, if I may be so blunt. And I don‘t like oral sex, tbqh – talk about bad luck!

    • C says...

      Y’all, I was so embarrassed after I posted this that I only just now looked to see if anyone had replied. Y’all are amazing! Thank you for your encouragement. Will report back on how it goes!

    • Pearl says...

      Another good book to have your partner read or better yet, read together:
      What Loulou Wants by Janine Prett, available on Amazon.

  4. Kristen says...

    Exactly the suggestion I was coming here to make! Such nice light. If whoever makes it into bed first turns our bedroom overhead lights off and the Himalayan salt lamp on, it’s a GO for sexy times.

    • Kristen says...

      Oh man, this was supposed to go under the person who recommended the Himalayan salt lamps… which are indeed awesome!

  5. Alice says...

    I swear I remember seeing a recommendation for a erotic podcast or storytelling site on here one time. I am searching the archives but coming up empty. Does anyone have that link or another recommendation? I feel like it would be a very helpful resource for me (and others?)!

    • Joanna Goddard says...

      I know people really like literotica.com — hope that helps!

    • Jen says...

      Seconding literotica.com!

    • Catie says...

      I‘d be interested in that, too! Something that‘s sexy and good but not porn (which I refuse to watch). More like, just nice! Like fanfiction smut;-)!

  6. We are all about the pre-dinner sex and have a weekly Friday morning sex appointment that we love! These are great tips – definitely could improve the lighting situation haha. I wish my family was more pro-sex growing up, so now it’s a goal of my husband and I to teach our kids about sex being a good thing (but also being responsible!). Great post as always :)

    • Anna says...

      That sounds great and now I am so curious how you teach that to your kids. I think, this is important!

    • Samantha says...

      Hi! I started listening to “Authentic Sex” with Juliet Allen and she has had a few really great episodes about raising sex-positive children! I’m far away from having kids or these conversations, but I have loved her perspective. Hope you do too!

  7. Mari says...

    I’m a little embarrassed to ask but…

    Many sex positions are uncomfortable for me due to my male partner’s shape (curved downwards). Missionary with major pillow-support is good, and I like being on top. But several of the positions mentioned (him behind, me lying on my stomach) are uncomfortable or impossible. I enjoy sex in general but don’t get much pleasure (or even sensation?) from penetrative sex.

    Does anyone have the same issue? Suggestions or empathy to share?

    • Catie says...

      Hey, I don‘t have suggestions, just empathy. But yes to your last sentence, and same! It kinda sucks, huh?

    • Alyssa says...

      Heyo! So glad you shared! I have had various discomforts in various forms with penetrative sex for a whole bunch of reasons. I don’t have any miraculous suggestions to share with you except that it’s way more normal than you might think and you’re not alone! Some things that help me:
      – Just having sex in the positions that feel good and not stressing about trying to do something “creative” (or, if I feel the need or inspiration to be creative, relying on costumes, accessories, etc. instead of trying to be an acrobat)
      – When my partner and I do a lot of foreplay before penetrative sex, basically almost until I orgasm, and THEN we have penetrative sex
      – Just having less penetrative sex and doing more other stuff ;) ;) ;)

      Like I said, nothing revolutionary but wanted to let you know that you’re not alone and that penetrative sex really does not need to be the gold standard!

    • Soraya says...

      Have you tried a good lube? It makes SUCH a difference for me so thought it might be helpful for you too. I like Foria, which has CBD in it. Not entirely sure the CBD does anything but it’s the best texture I’ve ever tried. Hope that helps!

    • J says...

      Has your partner considered seeing a urologist, specifically one specializing in men’s sexual health? If the curvature is severe enough for pain with intercourse (for either you or him), there are some treatment options available! The medicines may not completely get rid of the bend, but may reduce it enough to have less painful sex in more positions. This happens to a LOT of guys, so nothing to be ashamed of!

    • Jessica says...

      After giving birth, I started getting treatment with a pelvic floor physiotherapist. I was finding sex in certain positions to be uncomfortable, which was due to some lingering soft tissue damage and internal tears. It’s not a well known therapy in North America but it’s becoming more popular. If you can, I would recommend seeking out a highly rated physio who specializes in this, and have an assessment done. It could be that some simple exercises could increase your comfort.

    • I had this issue and had my uterus re-positioned by an Arvigo abdominal massage therapist. Game changer.

    • Jamie says...

      I’m going to step out on a limb and share this with you Mari. At this point in my life I have been in relationship with a woman for the last 13 years. I struggled to get to orgasm in traditional sex with a man except on few occasions. The few that brought me to orgasm were caused when; one, the man I was with knew exactly how to find my g-spot with his fingers first and then once inside me, ya-hoo!!!! And two; the curve to the left on his penis hit my g-spot dead on every time (different partner). That made both of us quite happy. In my more recent sex life the knowledge that my partner has in using her fingers to arouse that same spot is always surprising to me. I find if I am responsive and aroused in other words, “wet” that is a huge help to getting to orgasm as well. Foreplay and kissing cannot be under rated. I’m to the point where most women need a lubricant but most times it can be skipped due to the responsiveness of my body to my partner’s attentiveness . A glass of wine or two and some encouragement to ask your man to help you find your g-spot could be fun. And of course non-penetrative orgasm by means of oral pleasure is always there for us! I emphasize with your issue and encourage you to take a playful and inventive way to make traditional intercourse more pleasurable for yourself!

  8. Shenoa says...

    Himalayan pink salt lamps are perfect for the bedroom, just enough light for sexy time but soft and pink. It’s like a real-life filter.

    • Lauren says...

      I totally agree!! Perfect vibes!

  9. Marina says...

    Hello, Lana!
    Have you tried in the shower? Or even in the bathtub?

    • Lana says...

      Not for a very long time! Adding it to the list! ✅ Thank you!

  10. Lili says...

    Great tips! I especially like the pillow! I might even buy it, because I sometimes feel lower back pain after sex. It never occured to me to try with a pillow, but the one they are proposing seem to be just what I would need.

    • Kristen says...

      Hi! I won the DAME giveaway on CupofJo from a few months ago, and just want to say from personal experience that Pillo is SO wonderful! For my back but also for everything else. It’s such fun to play around with, and my husband loves it just as much.

  11. Amy says...

    I’m showing #3 to my husband.

  12. Maree says...

    I wish I read this advice when I was a teenager! Actually helpful, female-pleasure focused and accurate… nice piece Alex and COJ

  13. mamabird says...

    In the kitchen is a favourite in my house (when the house in empty or kids *definitely* asleep!). Him on a chair me straddling, or sitting on a counter legs around his waist, or hands on the kitchen table him behind. Too much information?!

    • emily says...

      Oh, these are my favorites too. Delicious :)

    • Lindsay says...

      The one time we did it in the kitchen, like 10 years ago, I grabbed strawberries and ate them when he was behind me and we still laugh about it lol

    • Mari says...

      God, I love this community so much! hahaha <3

  14. agnes says...

    I don’t own a vibrator, but would love too. I’ve just checked the website and the products and love the design, love that everything is beautiful. It makes so much sense! all these advice are great! Sex before dinner, I know what you mean, but for us couples aith children I think the best would be to pretend you go to dinner and you go to a hotel instead! We actually did that with my husband, as we were staying at my parents for a couple of months. We would “go out for dinner” but instead would go to a hotel for a couple of hours. It felt so exciting! Totally recommend to have these secret moments ;-)

  15. Carly says...

    Gals I’ve just recently found Try Quinn which has some excellent erotica. Highly recommend!

  16. Kaitlin says...

    4%!!!! I am so late to the game on this, but I just started Game of Thrones and I have yet to see anything even slightly resembling foreplay or clitoral stimulation in the (penetrative) sex scenes. WTF is up with that!?!? Hollywood’s needs to get. with. it.

    • mamabird says...

      Totally! I can’t think of any movie sex scenes where that happens. That’s the male gaze for you.

    • Shena says...

      GOT is not the best place to look for female sexual equality! Yes, the powerful women will kill as maliciously and brilliantly as men, if not more; but the main sex scenes you will see are the ones that off-the-charts objectify women. Not saying don’t watch it… it is an amazing show. But don’t expect them to care about satisfying a female character in a socially conscious way!! lol.

  17. Lana says...

    I was listening to an interview the other day with Dan Savage, the most amazing sexpert, and he said a fun way to get the spark back is to commit to having sex somewhere other than your bed three times per month. I’m dying to ty this (sex is getting a little predictable as of late) but would love some recs! My husband is a little inhibited so it can be tricky! Also, any tips from readers for keeping things from going stale would be awesome! Lol!

    • Emily says...

      This is funny, I was just thinking yesterday about how having sex in beds every single time is, well, not sexy! Even the couch can mix things up in your own home. For some reason a get away and staying in a hotel or air bnb really helps too, if only because you’re out of your house and it feels exciting! in a secluded forest or beach you can get away with some foreplay… in private, of course.

    • a says...

      What about the couch? he sits up, you straddle him, use a toy, a+ time.

    • Sarah says...

      Do you guys have a room with an extra bed? Even a bed that’s not your usual bed might be enough to make it more exciting… and ease your husband into switching it up :)

    • Lana says...

      Good tips! We have never used a toy. He’s old school and thinks they will make regular sex less exciting. I’m working on him. 😂

    • df says...

      The kitchen counter and dining table have both been good for us. Also, we have a sit up hammock installed inside for relaxing but it works quite well if I am sitting in it at an angle and he is standing. Leaning over the back of the couch is a good spot too. Sometimes we move the mattress to the floor and put it in the living room or other spots in the house too.

    • Angela says...

      I can relate on the unwillingness to bring a toy into the mix. To get around this- vacation sex has always been my time to bring out a little more kink! Maybe pack a vibrating cock ring next time you travel. They are easy to find in most drug stores, inexpensive, and a good “taste’ for partners that are a bit more conservative.

      Also- wasn’t that podcast just INCREDIBLE!?! I was just telling my bestie that I was going to create a study guide and require listening so we could discuss in detail on our next friends’ trip this fall! There was so much meat there to discuss and debrief over. I find Dan Savage completely captivating!

    • Lana says...

      Angela, yes! He is so incredibly knowledgeable and talks so comfortably about every single sex topic. I love him. As I listening it was like lightbulb after lightbulb kept lighting up for me. Wouldn’t he be the most amazing dinner guest? 😂

    • Jessica says...

      I love camping sex! Something about being on the woods in a little tent seems so sexy. It also lends the possibility of a middle of the night walk to the beach for some more sexy times. Everyone should try outdoor sex at least once.

  18. annie says...

    I recommend having a look at the reviews on Hey Epiphora website before ordering anything. Her reviews are instructive and hilarious. « Where sex toys go to get rated »!

    • What an awesome conversation. You all are the best! It’s crazy to me that we don’t encourage people to learn about or explore their own bodies—especially women. I thought my clitoris was my labia until college. What!?!? I also thought cervical mucous (when ovulating) was a sign of infection until I started trying to get pregnant at the age of 33. Unreal!

  19. Brenda says...

    Thank you for this conversation- I got the Eva II after the last post and I love it! Also watching Sex Education per Jo’s rec and it’s refreshing to talk more openly about these issues and learn more about myself…

  20. Abbie says...

    I love these posts, where sex is addressed in a straightforward and practical way. They are immensely helpful for this 37 year old, still trying to navigate these things even after 11 years of marriage.

    • Lana says...

      I just commented without reading the comments that were already there. We are at eleven years too and I’m feeling like sex is really predictable. Do you have any magic advice??

    • lindsay says...

      SAME. I am 38, been married 12 years. I feel like I am in some sexual peak the last year or two and I am really sexually frustrated! I love my husband but I get what people mean by losing that SPARK, ha. Any tips????

  21. Liz says...

    I purchased a Dame product after your last post and highly recommend them. I’m grateful to hear the advice to stop counting. I get it into my head that we are not doing it enough then it just becomes pressure and no fun. I’m going to take her suggestion.

  22. Claire says...

    WHAT is that incredible nail colour in the first pic? Or any tips for a similar colour, since that shade has been eluding me!
    PS. great tips ;)

    • Mariana says...

      Hi! I’d try “In Stitches” by Essie. It’s a pretty, berry pink.

  23. Marlena says...

    Tip #3 was learned the hard way. Years ago my husband and I had a great night planned – a stop at a local “love shop”, dinner at our favorite Mexican restaurant, and then a sex fest. I’m sure you can see where this is headed. Needles to say we ended up driving home stuffed from the restaurant, with a bag of sex toys between us, just staring ahead in complete silence for miles. Finally at one point I started cracking up. My husband looked at me and I said through tears of laughter, “Babe… honestly… I just want to take a sh!@ and go to bed.” We die laughing every time we remember this moment. Lesson learned!

    • Emily says...

      I am relating to this so much!

  24. Angela says...

    Any intel about who makes the underwear set in the photo??

  25. Rachel says...

    I learned of Dame from a previous A Cup of Jo post and I’m so thankful I did! The Eva II has been a wonderful addition. Invest in your happiness and fulfillment; you’re worth it. Since getting Eva II, I think I am sleeping better and have more of a glow ;) P.S. This is the first product review I have ever written.. it’s that great!

  26. Michaela says...

    I’m pregnant and barfy but after reading this I’m thinking I need to try the lying on my stomach with a pillow position while I still can. Fun!

  27. Lea says...

    “It can also put pressure on the night, like something needs to happen afterward.”

    I often feel this but also get the feeling that my boyfriend doesn’t. Which then makes me think why I feel that kind of pressure or need to meet the expectation of sex when he doesn’t. I wonder why I feel guilty to say no frequently. I get especially frustrated with myself because I’m very straightforward in all other aspects of my life and have never shied away from saying no in other things. So why sex?

    • Annie says...

      You mean your boyfriend doesn’t have the expectation of sex afterward and the guilty feeling?

    • Isabella says...

      I hear you, Lea! I struggle with the same odd dynamic — I feel like I’m assertive and straightforward everywhere in life, *except* — at times — when it comes to sex. I think that, for me, it’s often seemed like sexual arousal and being “in the mood” is a much more automatic state for my male partners, whereas for me it’s inextricably linked to my emotional state on any given day, as well as how connected I’d been feeling with my partner *before* things started getting steamy. I find it hard to articulate all of that, and especially hard in the moment to say, “Well, the dynamic over the past two hours didn’t really set the stage for this, for me…” I don’t know if that resonates at all with you, but I do think that it’s common for strong, self-respecting women to struggle on this front, whatever the reason. Here’s hoping we can look within and sort it all out, and that our partners present and future can understand and respect where we’re coming from!

    • Alyssa says...

      Saaame. I’m constantly apologizing for not being in the mood and thankfully my partner is really supportive about trying to dissuade me of the deeply ingrained notion that a relationship means you owe the other person sex. He’s always like “you don’t owe me an apology, you don’t have to be sorry for listening to your body!”. I find in general I apologize a ton in my relationship and carry guilt for things he doesn’t, and I used to think I cared more until I realized it’s just… patriarchy.

  28. Calla says...

    A friend of mine says before they have sex with a new partner, but as they start fooling around they ask “How to you like to come?” It’s so straightforward and I feel like opens up the conversation right away for you to also share what you need. Planning on trying this at the next opportunity.

  29. Molly says...

    So glad ya’ll are posting about this. The pre-dinner advice – so true! So practical! And the stat around only 4% needing penetration is so crazy. It’s one of those myths (that penetration is all women need) that continues to be perpetuated in pop culture. Even the most forward-thinking, feminist shows have sex scenes where the woman is orgasming from penetration only or going from zero to sixty – like penetration right away. How can, especially the entertainment industry, change this? Because believe me.. this myth trickles down to the average New York dater trying to get it on.

    • Calla says...

      Right?! The movie thing is so crazy. Watching all these women orgasming from penetrative sex completely warped my view of what to expect once I started having sex.

    • jet says...

      Mostly, men make the movies. Not women.

    • Capucine says...

      I had this thought about Outlander, which everyone was saying is all about the female perspective, and then when I finally saw the sex scenes it was an eye-rolling ‘oh please’ because, FOUR PERCENT, and yet she’s orgasming from zero-to-sixty penetrative sex every time. Female perspective from a man’s perspective is more like it.

    • Ros says...

      I mean, I’m not one of the 4% who NEED it, but I CAN from penetration alone (and it’s good, so…) so personally I’d argue that that stat is a little bit off. Some of us can go in different ways, depending on mood.

      And @capucine – I haven’t watched the show, but the books show a whole lot more (detailed) variety than what you’re describing – maybe that’s what people are talking about?

    • Katie says...

      @capucine and @ros, I’m reading Outlander too (written by a woman), and am kind of annoyed by how much simultaneous orgasm is shared by Claire and Jaime. Maybe Diana Gabaldon is one of the lucky 4% and she’s writing a bit from her own experience, but it’s so unrealistic for me that I roll my eyes sometimes…

    • Anna says...

      It’s a little bit like the i-am-in-labor-and-have-to-rush-immediately-thing which you see in movies a lot, skipping the 12+ hours in between….