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P.S. My everyday thought process, and mumsters on vacation.
Hosting Angst
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I totally relate to this! Embarrassingly, this is why I never host. That and anxiety about other people’s homes being larger and nicer than mine. I’m averagely tidy, but with two kids and a small house (no playroom) the house is always somewhat messy. It’s totally crazy, as I would NEVER care an iota about mess in other people’s houses. If anything I like it as it makes the interaction seem more authentic. So why do we still struggle with this? One set of standards for yourself, and another set for everyone else. Brains are weird!
Oooh, this hit home! Also people ARE NOT allowed to open our coat closet unless they want to be swallowed by layers of kids’ holiday items.
Mismatched socks, OMG that’s me! So schlumpy.
When I brought home my first baby from the hospital (a difficult birth) my parents had been staying at my house for a few days. I got in the back door holding my newborn son in the baby car seat: “Hi Dad!” I said. He walked over to the kitchen and opened the fridge door, with his hand on his hip. “Y’know, you should clean out your fridge.” He replied. I’ll never forget that one.
OH MY GOD. In our family that would move immediately into go-to dark humor territory and never budge.
“Hi Dad, oh, you’re laid out with back pain? I’m sorry to hear that. You should clean out your fridge.”
“You guys just got FEMA clearance to go see what’s left of your house? Make sure you clean out the fridge when you get there”
*whispering into the coffin while the funeral organ plays* “you forgot to clean out the fridge”
Argh this sounds like my mother and I feel your pain!! She will regularly come into our house, open the fridge and pull out a broccoli or some other vegetable looking a bit past its best and say “I’m just going to give this a decent burial” and throw it in the bin :I
This made me laugh and cringe out loud ! Recently came home from the hospital after a miscarriage and was so grateful to the friend who sat in bed with me as I slept off the drugs. Days later, after multiple angel-friends had brought over soup and sliced fruit, I had the thought : what terror zone did she walk into ? “Was my fridge clean?” “How many pairs of underwear were on the floor etc”….in retrospect, these are the friends I trust to come over when I am wearing a diaper and weeping, so it’s okay if they see the disorder of my fridge etc.
I agree with the other comments that people don’t really care about a messy house/fridge!
BUT I also wanted to share that we’ve been having picnics with friends for the last year and it is great and no pressure! No one has to tidy their house, the cooking can be fancy or just sandwiches, less clean up afterwards, and if you have little kids, you can picnic somewhere with a playground to entertain the little kids while the grown ups talk!
I’m messy and I don’t care. My parents know I’m messy, and they don’t care. However, if friends are coming over, I have long lived by the rule of “throw clutter in a closet and shut the door–we’re only going for the ILLUSION of clean” and that is sufficient. I’ve never judged my friends’ houses, so why would they judge mine? I think they don’t care if my house is messy, either.
I feel so seen!
My extremely tidy mom makes it out like I am a hoarder because my mostly organized garage has a pile of crap in it that I need to go through, and I used to be super sensitive about it. Then, a friend who’s home could be in a magazine came over, and she inadvertently opened the door to the garage instead of the door to the powder room. I died a little inside, then yelled, “Don’t go in the garage of shame,” just as she yelled, “Oh my gosh, your garage is so clean!”
And just like that, all my self recrimination about it dissapated.
So here’s to throwing open the doors to our refrigerators, our ovens, our garages, and our junk drawers! Let’s celebrate our mystery leftovers, our blackened pie drippings, our abandoned craft projects.
Yes!!
and the stuff falling out when you open the door! or is that just me?
Not just you! I recently had this experience with a friend who came over and (to my horror) opened my freezer to stick a wine bottle inside. My freezer is packed with tater tots, random frozen sauces (is that veggie stock? Or…?) and ICE and the bag of ice fell out onto her face!
Your mistake is in opening the door.
Glad I could help!
This reminds me of the Chris Fleming sketch “Company Is Coming” ( https://youtu.be/GBwELzvnrQg )—“Nobody can know we SIT” has popped into my head many a time while frantically cleaning before guests arrive (and yet I still feel compelled to conceal all signs of existence…)
I love this video so much too!! The part where Chris just keeps spinning in a circle is me to a T when I am frantically “tidying.”
OMG yessssss
I have watched that more times than I can say. It’s a very accurate portrayal of what happens at our place 🙃
Thank you for this!!
I feel the opposite: a tidy, super clean house feels sad, and gives me panic attack. Don t we have more important things to do with our one and only life?
And a really clean house makes guests uncomfortable, right? And then they worry that their own house is too messy to host. That’s what I tell myself.
Let’s give everyone the grace to determine what is important to them.
I feel calmer when my house is tidy and organized.
Look at this way: food waste is a huge problem in our society and contributes to climate change in a number of ways. Having an organized fridge helps prevent waste and makes meal planning so much easier.
Do we really need to have messy vs tidy “identities”. Let’s celebrate many ways of being and living in the world.
Agnes, I think this is yet another area of life in which we can say “good for her, not for me.” I don’t mind hanging out in other people’s cluttered houses, I am not judging, truly! But I cannot live like that. It does not make me feel good, and it is not about shame, or outward appearances, or anything. It is about the living environment in which I feel comfortable, and which minimizes my ambient anxiety. When things are basically (emphasis on basically) clean and put away, my mental state is much better.
Times have changed but this anxiety sure lingers. I remember my mom forcing me to wipe the baseboards before people came over. She cleaned while watching soaps while we were at school. But so many more women work now! It’s past time to adapt our expectations. Someone please tell my mom this for me.
So funny because before I read the caption I thought “that looks like Joanna!” :)
Same, haha! And the little picture on the right looks like she’s admiring herself in the drawing – it’s very adorable.
Me too! Because the sneakers and the dress. So cute!
Been there, am there. In the process of de-funking our fridge before we left for vacation two weeks ago I think I created a chemical weapon?
We all live like this. We’re humans. But it doesn’t make it any easier. Last week our apartment manager came through with a contractor to install additional smoke alarms and OMG they had to go into our closets! We’ve lived here 30 years! Who knows what is in those corners of our closets. I’m doing my best to laugh it off. Life is not Instagram. Period.
Hahaha! Definitely relatable!
We should just keep normalizing messy. I spent an hour in therapy talking about my worries about what people think (single mom of 3 teenagers) keep me from doing the things I want (like hosting people). The Rules aren’t real and perfection should never be the goal.
could not agree more, jess!!! we have people over all the time when our house is messy and LITERALLY NO ONE CARES. at the end of the day, people love a drink in hand (sparkling water, juice, wine, whatever!) and someone to ask about their day. I also think a messy house takes the pressure off guests, too. you can just relax. I mean, everyone craves a comfy hang!
I need a sign to this effect hanging in every one of our messy/dog hair laden rooms to remind me to keep my unbelievable neurosis in check.
When someone invites me into their messy house, I think, “Yes! I’ve crossed over into Real Friend territory!” Real Friends let you see their mess and their less-than-perfect life. One time a new friend served me wine in a random little tumbler that they probably also used for water or milk, and I felt so loved! I knew then that they weren’t trying to impress me, we were just having fun and enjoying each other’s company. Whenever someone shows me their unfiltered life, I feel like we become family.
@Nic – such a lovely framing!
Hooray ! I also remind myself not to apologize for it. No more saying “sorry my house is a mess.” Just say “welcome! Can I get you something to drink ! “
I feel like this every time someone is over and wants to throw something in the garbage hidden under the sink. I always run over quickly and say “I got it!” stealing their trash like a raccoon..
That had me laughing out loud :) And I relate, although I feel this about my entire kitchen. It seems never tidy enough.
Can totally relate!! I have come to hate hosting…!
YEP. Me alll the time. Also my car. and closets… I’ve been making a conscious effort to actually not care. It’s hard. But I appreciate-and admire- it so much in other people.
I don’t even understand people’s clean cars. Are they dusting in there?
Bahah. My car too. I am messy and always will be and it doesn’t bother me too much, but I feel some type of way when I drop my car off to be serviced and don’t have time to deep clean it first.
Ha, same. And apparently there are people who also regularly excavate the perma-car-snack-crust… ?!
hahaha yup same. honestly this is why I don’t tend to host people that much, it sky-rockets my anxiety! I know nobody cares but I just can’t seem to be chill and then it ends up not being fun for me :/
If anybody has any tips for overcoming that specific anxiety (besides just reminding myself that nobody cares, that doesn’t seem to work!) I am all ears.
So, for me, there’s a few things:
1) Start by doing limited areas. We have our neighbors over for a backyard fire, or a driveway happy hour while the kids are running around. Or we have them in for a dessert in our kitchen. I clean only that area and the adjacent bathroom.
2) Candles and Coolers. Candles make me look/feel like I’ve got my sh*t together and a cooler eliminates the need for anybody to dig into my fridge.
3) Practice. Start small – just a few close people instead of a large group. Slowly grow into the hosting.
emm k i would enlist a behavioral psychologist for like four or six sessions. it would be fun and you would definitely get this handled!
Same!
what if you imagined that the thing you’re worried about (to take an example from the cartoon, something yucky in the fridge) and picture encountering it in the home of someone you love? you wouldn’t judge your best friend or think less of her for such a thing, and you deserve the same love and care that you would show someone else.
I’ve tried to decide what specific tasks/areas make me feel like my house is clean enough. It’s cluttered in here with two kids, but if the kitchen sink is empty, bathroom counter is wiped and mirror is clean, I’m good.
Thanks everyone for the wonderful thoughts! @Alexandra I have to say that I lol’d a bit at your comment about 4-6 hours with a therapist. I love me some therapy, have been in weekly therapy for three years and have done a lot of “deep work” as they say (through psychedelic therapy, somatic therapy, two different week-long silent meditation retreats, etc) and it’s definitely healed my anxiety and insecurity A LOT. But that shit tooks yearssss to heal in a significant way. Everybody is different, so perhaps some folks would see significant, lasting change in 4-6 hours of therapy but not me! I’m putting this here in case anybody else has had a similar experience with their own path towards long-term change :D
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