Race Matters: “Can I End This Friendship?”

Welcome to the very first Race Matters advice column…

I’ll be answering reader questions about vexing issues involving race and relationships. The goal is to help us unpack all the ways race can play out in our intimate spaces. As we launch this column, I want to stress that I do not speak as an expert on “being Black” or as an authority to speak for all Black people. All the views, opinions and experiences expressed herein are entirely personal and informed by my own individual perspectives as a Black woman and as someone who has thought deeply about race and interracial relationships be they professional, work or romantic. My hope is that by examining these issues — especially in this unique generational moment that I call our Great Racial Awakening — we can collectively shine a light on our individual biases and blind spots on our road to being better friends, neighbors, colleagues, allies and all around humans. So, please email me with questions or feedback at racematters@cupofjo.com. With that, let’s get to our first question!

Dear Race Matters,

I have a friend from childhood with whom I’ve kept in touch for 20 years, despite our many differences in lifestyle, upbringing and beliefs. For context, she’s a white woman who has always lived in our small homogenous hometown, and I am a non-Black POC who now lives in a diverse city.

Recently, while discussing the BLM protests, things got heated. It became clear that she doesn’t believe that systemic racism is real (WTF?!) and that all of her “research” was coming out of far-right think tanks. In our conversations, she didn’t acknowledge anything I was saying. Each point was rounded off with a cliché about God loving everyone equally, in what felt to me like a Get Out of Racism Free card. I eventually reached a breaking point, and told her that I didn’t want to continue our conversations. That was earlier in the summer and we haven’t spoken since.

But some activists say that we should stay engaged with everyone within our sphere of influence — that it’s our duty to have hard conversations with people who deny the lived experiences of Black people.

So, I’d like advice about whether I should carry on if it seems futile? I don’t foresee a change in her perspective, and I am very reluctant to continue a friendship with someone who I’ve realized is content with systems of white supremacy. Not only has it taken a massive toll on our friendship, but also on my mental and emotional well-being. Is it bad that I just want to move on with my life? I feel guilty.

tl/dr: Do you think it is a cop out to drop a racist friend?

Thanks for reading,
xx Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I got so many thoughtful letters for this first column, but I wanted to pick yours because your dilemma was representative of lots of other letters. Turns out many of us find ourselves in similar situations, wrestling with how to deal with friends or family members who just don’t “get it,” in one way or another.

So, you can rest assured you’re not alone in asking the question: Is it okay to drop a problematic/racist friend? The answer is: YES!

Well, that was easy. This advice column thing is a piece of cake!

If only. Nothing about this is easy. Here you are, with the very best intentions, trying to get your friend to understand something you accept as a clear and important truth: systemic racism exists! (Also, while we’re stating obvious facts, the world isn’t flat and climate change is very real.) But the bigger issue is that you’re trying to get your friend to sympathize with the plight of others and to grapple with her role in how society does or doesn’t change at a particularly high stakes moment. When she cites clichés and dubious evidence — instead of listening and learning — as a defense mechanism to protect her privilege (a tale as old as time), it infuriates you. Believe me, I get it. You’ve tried with facts, persuasion and an open heart and now you’re at an impasse.

I want to note your particular choice of words: “guilt” and “cop out.” They were revealing to me that you’re seeing your role in this friendship as a burden, at this point. As if it’s your job to be her social justice educator and you feel bad that you want to quit. Don’t. Friendship is supposed to bring support, mutual respect and love to our lives. Not to say there aren’t going to be conflicts but, on par, your friendships should be a positive addition to your life.

That said, I admire your efforts to try to educate your friend. After all, our friendships are also supposed to help us grow. And further, we know the vast majority of our perspectives are influenced by the people in our immediate social circles (and Facebook feeds, for better or worse). And now more than ever we feel called to the noble purpose of winning hearts and minds. That’s how change happens: on an individual level, relationship by relationship — I accept and believe something because the people I love accept and believe something and that reinforces that belief. Here’s the wonderful thing about this — it works. Take the recent radical changes in how Americans view the problem of racism, for example. In June of this year, more than 60% of Americans cited “racial and ethnic discrimination” as a “big problem” in the United States. Five years ago that number was just under 50% and four years before that, just 21%. The upward trend is a reflection of changing social norms. You may not have been successful at convincing your friend of the extent of racial discrimination but others have, as reflected by the statistics. And hopefully sweeping systemic change follows.

But I think it ultimately comes down to a question of degree. You and your friend can have a difference of opinion about the extent to which people are allowed to own guns or what the best Bravo Housewives franchise is. Fine. All matters of healthy debate. But then we have the other end of the spectrum — a friend who thinks gay people should burn in hell, or says the Nazis weren’t all bad. Clearly not even close to fine.

Despite your differences, do you believe in your friend’s goodness and positive intentions in your heart of hearts? That’s for you to decide. But it doesn’t look like you’re looking for confirmation that you should stay in this friendship, but rather what you’re saying is, I’ve tried and I’m ready to let this go. You want permission to do that. The thing is, you don’t actually need it and I have no authority, but I’m granting it anyway — POOF!

You don’t have an obligation to stay in this relationship until you change your friend’s mind and transform her into a fully woke, social justice warrior — especially at the expense of your own well-being and mental health. It’s too big a burden and too futile an endeavor, as you said so yourself.

And your energy is better spent elsewhere if your goal is social change: like Get Out the Vote! (Sidebar PSA: Everyone should be preparing their plan to vote now). Besides, maybe, just maybe, the loss of your friendship is something that would force your friend to reexamine her beliefs.

Sadly, you won’t be the last person to lose a friendship during these fraught times. As tragic as it is, it reflects a larger bittersweet reality — that we have no choice these days but to be as steadfast and relentless as ever to keep turning the tide toward the country and the equality we want to have. That might mean more of a zero tolerance policy when it comes to the viewpoints we let slide in our inner circles or it might mean sacrificing a relationship for the sake of staying true to our beliefs. It might mean accepting that we live in a time where lines are being drawn, and we give ourselves permission to cling to our righteousness, not out of smugness or superiority, but because holding the line is our best hope for the future we want.

Ultimately, in your case, Rachel, my advice is this: let go and hold on. Let go of this friendship and burden for now, you’ve done what you could. But hold on to the possibility, however small, that your friend may learn or evolve in her thinking and it makes sense to reconnect. After all, friendship, like social change and revolution, is a long game.

Christine Pride is a writer, book editor and content consultant. Her debut novel, We Are Not Like Them, written with Jo Piazza will be published in 2021. She lives in Harlem, New York. She also wrote the Cup of Jo post Five Things I Want to Tell My White Friends. Feel free to email her with your questions at racematters@cupofjo.com or connect with her on Instagram @cpride.

P.S. How to vote this fall, and raising race-conscious children.

(Photo by Christine Han for Cup of Jo.)

Tags: race matters

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Amy

October 9, 2020 11:27am 11:27 am

I have been a long time reader of CoJ (since the beginning!), and this is the first time I’ve ever left a post. Reading some of the comments has left me with this nagging feeling of discomfort, like the lingering nausea after a bout of food poisoning. While I appreciate the civility of the dialogue (and dialogues like this must continue for us to move forward), I was disappointed to read that so many commenters believe that systemic racism is a “relatively new theory”, that it’s not the same as “real” racism, or the suggestion that if people have love in their hearts for everyone, then racism cannot thrive.

First of all, I think it’s important to understand that systemic racism is very real. It’s not just real in our hearts like a religion. It’s not something we choose to believe. It’s a fact of life for all BIPOC that is proven in statistical and historical data. I can appreciate that not everyone knows what racism looks like if you’ve never experienced it, just like I can appreciate that some people think Earth is flat. What I don’t sympathize with is the choice to keep denying the existence of racism when we all have the facts in front of us and the means of educating ourselves. It’s the difference between ignorance, and willful ignorance – one is potentially harmless, and the other is what is driving this system of perpetual inequality.

The idea of “love conquers all” is also a trivial solution to a complicated problem. I have been through the same experience as Rachel and have had to end relationships with people for the exact same reason. All of those people have told me things along the lines of “I love and respect everyone equally”, or “God loves everyone equally”. Yet on every occasion that I’ve encountered racism (and I’m talking about full-on, in your face, unmistakable racism), they’ve stood by and watched. I can tell you that this silent, unspoken, unexpressed love in their hearts that they tried to convince me is real (as much as they convinced themselves), made these experiences all the more traumatic. The faces of those you love, who claim to love you, looking at you as if you’ve caused them discomfort because they had to witness a stranger attack you for no reason other than the colour of your skin, hurts countless times more than any racist slur thrown at me.

What I’m trying to say is, if you truly have love for everyone equally, then please do not deny, or even support, this horrifically unjust system of institutionalized racism. Please don’t tell us that you love us, but turn a blind eye to racism. Please don’t turn a blind eye to a system that makes it hopelessly difficult for entire groups of people to access their basic rights like medical care, education, or housing.

We are not responsible for the actions of our ancestors. We are not responsible if we happen to be born in a society that inherently benefits us. But we are 100% responsible for our own actions, and what we choose to do moving forward.

Sasha L

Reply to Amy

October 12, 2020 1:18pm 1:18 pm

This is such a truthful and helpful comment Amy. Thank you for sharing this. I hope many will take it to heart.

Your sentence about those who claim to love you, standing by and watching as someone attacks you, and look back at you like it’s your fault and you are an inconvenience to them, ugh. White people absolutely NEED to read this. We absolutely have to do better. Being antiracist isn’t a matter of convenience. I’m so sorry for the pain this has caused you.

Caitlin Marshall

October 7, 2020 7:43pm 7:43 pm

Oh this was wonderful! I’m bookmarking it to re-read. I can’t wait for the next one!

Leah Wise

October 7, 2020 9:00am 9:00 am

I worked as a hospital chaplain over the summer, which put me in the position of ministering to people I didn’t always agree with. What I think is often missing from these conversations is 1. a recognition that it is not always healthier or even possible to “break up” with friends or family members who do and say racist and other bigoted things (some people living or working in conservative circles would struggle to retain community), 2. staying in relationship is not condoning harmful behaviors and ideologies – accountability is a touchstone of relationship, 3. if the bigotry is directed at a people group I don’t belong to, I am probably in the best position to stay in the relationship because I don’t suffer direct trauma as a result my friend’s statements, 4. it is ok to be firm, to take space, and to required good faith arguments. It can be incredibly fruitful to stay. I echo those who have suggested using “I” statements, too. If you decide to leave the relationship, it would be helpful to say why: “I feel hurt when you say this,” not “You’re a racist and I can’t fraternize with people like you.” We risk losing would-be allies if we throw anyone with a bad idea out of our circles; social isolation doesn’t breed positive transformation, it breeds resentment that leads to further entrenchment.

This is important to me because I recognize that my thinking has been transformed (dramatically) because people recognized my unique person enough to stay with me through transitions of thought and behavior. They recognized that I had an internal logic to my choices and then helped me broaden, expand, and expose moral inconsistencies.

Cait

Reply to Leah Wise

October 7, 2020 10:56am 10:56 am

I agree; such good thoughts!

Alex

October 5, 2020 11:54pm 11:54 pm

Yes to this column and to this comments thread!

Brenna

October 5, 2020 5:08pm 5:08 pm

Thank you Christine and Cup of Jo for the light hand on comment moderation on this post! Big respect. And Cup of Jo, please hold onto Christine!!

rachel

October 5, 2020 1:40pm 1:40 pm

“let go and hold on” is some of the best advice i’ve seen in awhile in regards to this topic. thank you for that.

andi

October 4, 2020 3:15pm 3:15 pm

This was pretty interesting, about Chelsea Clinton ending her friendship with Ivanka Trump:

https://www.elle.com/culture/career-politics/a34247361/chelsea-clinton-ivanka-trump-friendship-ended/

October 4, 2020 2:52pm 2:52 pm

christine, i’m so excited to read more from you here. jo & team, thank you for starting this series.

Anderson Stratfield

October 4, 2020 11:48am 11:48 am

This is an excellent conversation, and I’m happy to see so many comments! I am concerned a bit about the lack of context in the initial question, however. This woman says her friend doesn’t believe in “systemic racism” but doesn’t really give any examples about what she means by that other than hearing something about God loving everyone.

Im my experience, this suburban white woman as at worst, ignorant, calling here racist is going way too far. The fact is, protests that have gotten out of control have MAJORLY soured the image of BLM and the anti-racism movement in general. Ironically, most of the problems have been caused by self-righteous white people in Portland, though black looting in Chicago deserves a mention.

My only point here is that any conversation that takes place today about this issue MUST acknowledge that problems and blame exist across the spectrum and that race is only part of all of this. Race matters indeed, but it’s not the only thing.

Lou

Reply to Anderson Stratfield

October 5, 2020 4:14pm 4:14 pm

Yeah, Anderson Stratfield, there isn’t much context provided. Perhaps readers are expected to trust that women of color are able to recognize and name racism. But it seems like many people have trouble believing that. Why do you think that is? You don’t trust the writer’s conclusion even though she took part in the conversations, but have no qualms about correcting her and saying that “calling her racist is going way too far”, even though you weren’t privy to the conversations. Unless you are the friend who was being written about?

In the end, I think the most important thing in this post is actually Christine’s answer, which is full of wisdom, grace, and nuance. But maybe it is harder for you to reflect on her answer than it is to doubt the truth of the question?

Christine Pride

Reply to Anderson Stratfield

October 5, 2020 7:48pm 7:48 pm

Hi Anderson! Thanks for you comment. I can’t possibly reply to everyone, though it’s really meaningful for me to see the vigorous discussions unfolding here here. But I wanted to clarify that Rachel didn’t call her friend “racist” in the letter. You and a few other readers mentioned that label so I just wanted to clarify. You and others have also mentioned “context”, which is also hard for reader’s letters, we aren’t ever going to have letters that parse out every nuance and every discussion (and impossible task for complex relationships and the finite limits of word count), so it’s necessary to accept some generalities, which, in this case, is that Rachel didn’t feel her friend was acknowledging how difficult it is for black people in this country (systemic racism) and that was something so important and fundamental to her (and I happen, as a black woman to agree!) that she was finding it increasingly difficult to just “agree to disagree” about something so vital. That’s my read of the letter (and it’s a matter or interpretation to some degree because, again, we don’t have full context, so we do the best we can) but she never overtly labeled her friend a “racist.”

Leah

October 4, 2020 2:43am 2:43 am

Dear Rachel,

There is a difference between believing that racism is real, is wrong and exists in our society and believing in “systemic racism.”

Systemic racism is a theory, and a reasonably recent one. Clearly it resonates with you and your life experiences.

I am unclear as to why you feel you need to change your friend’s mind in order to retain her as your friend. These types of decisions result in society being torn apart further, not brought together.

Does she discriminate against people based on color or make racist statements? If so, by all means feel no need to continue your relationship. Exit immediately. There is no time in life for hate or intolerance.

However if she treats people equally and with kindness, what is the issue if you have an ideological difference?

It seems your friend is religious. Let’s say you are not, or you are of a different faith. Let’s say the discussion were about the existence of God/Allah/etc. Religious beliefs are theories, but ones that are deeply meaningful to those who believe them. Let’s say your friend felt deeply and passionately that this was a universal truth, and that you did not. If you and your friend align on moral values, specifically about treating others equally and with respect, would it be right for your friend to disassociate herself from you because you had a different view and she could not change your mind?

I think it’s more important to align with the people in our lives around how people should treat others than on a specific political or religious ideology.

Diversity is not simply a matter of color, gender, sexual orientation or religion. These are easily identifiable factors that contribute to diversity, but true diversity is diversity of thought and opinion (so long as everyone treats each other respectively and without harm).

Christine Pride

Reply to Leah

October 5, 2020 7:58pm 7:58 pm

Hi Leah! I know you comment was directed at Rachel, but I hope you don’t mind that I chime in! I think you’re getting at exactly I was trying to convey to Rachel myself– that it’s a matter of nuance what is acceptable. For example, as someone who doesn’t practice a religion, I can (and do) wholly and utterly respect people who do have a strong faith and believe firmly in God. Of course! To take it a step further then… I’m someone who is heterosexual, but believe passionately in LGBTQ rights. So I couldn’t abide a friend who condemns homosexuality. That is not an ideological difference we can “agree to disagree” about. That’s a stark example/comparison, but I just use it to try to highlight the point that there are absolutely things we can agree to disagree about and be challenged by and learn from, sure. But there are also beliefs and viewpoints that people (like Rachel, or me, or you) could find unacceptable. That line may be different for everyone, but in our polarized world we’re all trying to parse out where the line is and how to hold on to it; how to balance love, and patience and grace, with our fundamental morality and integrity. What’s great about this discussion is that everyone is drilling in and thinking deeply about what that means. I appreciate you reading and commenting and hope you’ll keep coming back!

Megan

Reply to Leah

October 8, 2020 6:10pm 6:10 pm

100% agree Leah, well said!

Laura

October 4, 2020 12:52am 12:52 am

Hi,

I’m a conservative and. Please hear me out. I believe that systemic racism exists – in a way. I think that a lot of blacks and minority races grow up in poverty and in environments that cause them, when they grow up, to not know how to get themselves out of it. So it’s a cycle that keeps them down. Totally agree that there’s a problem there. Where we disagree is on how to help and, most of you aren’t going to like what I have to say. I don’t know how to fix it. But I know for sure that having white people going around, blaming themselves for unknowingly being racist and apologizing for their white privilege isn’t going to fix anything. Beating yourself over the head isn’t going to make someone else feel better. Somehow empowering the black community to help themselves – that’s the ticket… but how? Not sure how to do that.

Anyway. I think if it is very important to the person asking the question, then I agree that she should break up with her white friend. It kinda sounds like the white friend wants to break up too since she hasn’t reached out. I don’t think anyone should hold onto a friendship because someone else tells you to! But, if this friendship is important to you because you genuinely like other aspects of this person, then make up! Agree to disagree, agree to talk about things you have in common other than the race issue. This idea that people on the right are racist is tearing us apart. We have different ideas, sure, but that doesn’t mean we don’t care. As the white woman said, she believes that God loves everyone equally. What I think she means is that she is trying not to see race at all. She is trying to see you as a person first. Maybe that’s a bit narrow minded, I get that, but it is a different approach.

I know I am totally walking into the lions den with this comment, so I will not be responding to any responses and I am using a pseudonym. My mental health is more important to me than defending myself against an onslaught of terrible negative comments. But I do hope that at least this shows that we are not all liberals and us non-liberals do care, we just have a different way of thinking about these things.

stella

Reply to Laura

October 5, 2020 10:45am 10:45 am

Hi Laura, I’m sad that you won’t be responding to comments but I hope you’ll at least read them! Anyways, I agree that white folks blaming themselves, and stopping there, isn’t going to do much for the Black community and communities of color. But I also think it’s a little ignorant to think we can “empower” the Black community to lift themselves out of poverty or the effects of racism. This is the bootstraps mentality that harmfully places the blame on Black people. Racism and poverty don’t have to exist, it’s not natural, it’s created (by people, institutions, & systems). So to assume Black folks can work themselves out of that is to misplace the blame. We don’t want to be perpetuating deficit thinking when we frame issues around racism and poverty, this hurts Black people and people of color. We need to be thinking critically: how are these inescapable “environments” or conditions you describe, created? You’d have to look at policy (redlining), the Great Migration, and the lasting effects of the Reconstruction Era. You’ll find that the culprit is white institutions, not Black communities. Thanks for reading!

Kim

Reply to Laura

October 5, 2020 12:56pm 12:56 pm

Well said.

Reply to Laura

October 5, 2020 4:30pm 4:30 pm

I really very much appreciate hearing from conservatives, because it’s a piece of the dialogue that is missing for me. So thank you for being willing to write your ideas out. I am trying to listen carefully and understand the different perspectives.

Kat Rosa

October 3, 2020 4:37pm 4:37 pm

Love this new column! Christine is a wonderful writer; I look forward to her book!

Margaret

October 2, 2020 10:07pm 10:07 pm

Dear Rachel – An alternative bit of advice. You live a very different life from your friend, which contributes to very different points of view and yet both have you have nurtured this friendship for 20 years. That seems like relationship worth saving for both of you.

Two thoughts: First, It sounds like you have been debating racism with your friend, rather than talking about your own experiences. In general “I feel” statements are much more useful than “I’m right because” statements. Perhaps re-calibrate how you talk with her about this important issue. Not a right or wrong approach, but an I am a WOC and this is how I feel when x happens approach.

Second, diversity is a good thing. And that means that friends do not have to agree on every issue and every value. My former sister-in-law and brother-in-law are the nicest people. They were very kind and good to my daughter and to me while I singlehandedly raised my daughter, who is disabled, after bil’s brother bailed out. Bil stepped in as a father figure for my daughter. Sil stepped in to offer me practical support with my daughter’s care. I love them deeply, but we agree on nothing politically or religiously. Sil is an evangelical Christian who wears baby footprint pins on her clothing to show that she is pro-life. I am pro-choice. Bil is a Catholic and deeply conservative politically. And politically active. I am a progressive Democrat and progressive Christian, so we have no common ground politically, and fairly little religiously. But I believe in diversity. Most progressives think diversity includes people of color or other ethnicities or other faiths. But to my surprise one day I realized that it also includes people whose values who are totally different from mine. I realized that diversity includes my sil and bil. Yes we disagreed on every political and religious issue, but we agreed on our core values: love one another, be kind to one another, support one another. So I put aside our political and religious differences and just loved them, and they did the same for me, although my bil enjoys a heated political debate from time to time.

So I would say tell your friend how you feel about racism – how it affects you, how it shapes your life, and how your debates with her make you feel. Give her a chance to hear you. Give her a chance to tell you how racism and your debates about it make her feel. Then put it aside and focus on loving and supporting one another, because you don’t have to see everything in the same way to do so.

If you simply cannot engage with your friend one more time, then so be it.

Yvonne

Reply to Margaret

October 3, 2020 10:01am 10:01 am

Margaret, what a wonderful reply!!!! We don’t need to throw people out of our heart because they don’t agree with us. Respect is the operative word. I can’t add anything more to your comment. You said it all!!

Jamie

Reply to Margaret

October 3, 2020 11:47am 11:47 am

If someone has racist views than no, they don’t believe in “loving everybody.” Racism is not a “difference of opinion.” It takes an incredibly privileged person to decide that human rights are easily overlooked in favor of keeping the peace with those who would harm others.

Anon

October 2, 2020 4:15pm 4:15 pm

Hello. I would like to add a (sort of) unrelated question. Would you consider doing a beauty uniform about Christine Pride? Every time I see her picture, it catches my breath! (And I am straight!). She just exemplifies what it means to be a graceful, beautiful woman who shines beauty from within. Thanks for considering the request!

Christine Pride

Reply to Anon

October 2, 2020 6:24pm 6:24 pm

Wow! You know how to make a girls day, Anon! I am going to re-read this comment about 20 more times. Thank you so much!

Sasha L

Reply to Anon

October 4, 2020 6:12pm 6:12 pm

Just seconding what anon said, I’d love to see more too! Week of outfits, beauty routine, house tour……. Just more please! You are delightful Christine.

Kate the Great

October 2, 2020 4:12pm 4:12 pm

Ooooh, I love your voice, Christine. I look forward to reading this column. :D

October 2, 2020 1:05pm 1:05 pm

Such wonderful advice, thank you for breaking this down for us Christine! I’ve had other friends reach out recently about how to have these difficult conversation when they feel like they are getting nowhere and only frustrated… mainly with family members. My MIL (Asian) had been mainly working in an all white, conservative, wealthy suburban hospital for 25-30 years where she had held her racist views. As she recently switched to a city hospital where she had actual Black and diverse colleagues, she was suddenly so ashamed of her previous views. I hope more people are able to travel and meet people outside of their bubbles… one day soon, post Covid.

Lauren

Reply to f

October 2, 2020 9:38pm 9:38 pm

Yes! When I had right-wing, pro-life, anti-welfare beliefs, having a lone liberal person express shock and outrage at my views didn’t change my mind one bit! Especially when they didn’t show any sign of trying to understand–never mind respect–my own views. It was going away to school and being surrounded day-in and day-out by diversity of all kinds that got me to reconsider a lot of things. (That’s why I don’t blame people as much who haven’t had the privilege to get an education or at least a change of scenery. )

I wish more of Obama’s supporters remembered one of the very last lessons he gave to us: how to show respect to people you disagree with. And remember Michelle: “they go low, we go high”. During this election I’ve been so disappointed by how people talk to and about Trump supporters. Don’t people realize that insulting people just makes them double down? Can we not do better than this? I don’t think it’s that hard to understand where someone different from you is coming from.

Anonymouse

Reply to f

October 3, 2020 12:57am 12:57 am

I don’t wish to be a bummer but my experience has been the opposite — growing up in my country, schools and neighbourhoods in the suburbs were wonderfully diverse and kids from all walks of life, religions and ethnicities played together happily. My best friend was from the majority race (I am a minority POC) and we were always in and out of each other’s homes, eating from the same table, celebrating each other’s religious and cultural festivities together. But as we grew up, 2 things happened that inevitably drove us apart — one was the rise of hardliners in her religion, which espoused a rejection of the freewheeling “influences” of “heathens” like me, and the other was that institutionalised racism reared its ugly head in our lives, starting with our public secondary school (modeled after the British schooling system) “streaming” or selecting and funnelling high-scoring kids into the best classes (which would get the most resources and best teachers, etc). Competition was fierce, but I can still remember clear as day that the baseline criteria set for different races were utterly unfair — if you were from the majority race, you only had to have an overall average score of 88% and above to get into the top class, whereas the cutoff point for minorities was 94% and above. To add to this unfairness, I was later made aware that there’s a whole other network of top-class boarding schools with emphasis on science and mathematics that would then send them overseas to the best universities (think UK’s King’s College, Oxford or the USA’s MIT, Harvard, etc) to study while fully funded by the government, that only accepted the best and brightest kids — BUT only those from the majority race. It didn’t matter how bright I or anyone from my family/community/minority race might be, we were barred from receiving the same quality of education simply because of the colour of our skin. Same thing with public universities — a very limited number of seats is allocated to minorities in every field of study, but for the highly coveted fields like law, medicine, accountancy or engineering, that number dwindles down to double digits in a class of hundreds, sometimes thousands. As a minority, the pressure to be good enough to get into public university is immense, and it became common to hear of kids (usually minorities) cracking under the strain. There are private colleges and universities of course but as those cost 20 times what a public university education would, it’s out of reach for all but the most well-heeled, leaving to rest of us to fight for scraps.

All this had the intended effect of sowing division among the races, because how can you truly be close friends with anyone from the majority race when they not only benefit from this staggeringly unfair system of institutionalised racism, but even defend their right to benefit from it to their last breath? They know and are familiar with people like me, who are clearly intended to be the losers in this system, and yet they don’t see anything wrong with the setup, much less that minorities deserve to be held as equals with them, not downtrodden by the system that holds them up. Meritocracy is a dirty word, and if anyone from the majority race voices support for it, it’s only in private because doing so publicly brands them as troublemakers breaking ranks and taking sides with The Other races. It makes me feel like they see me as sub-human, because that’s the only logical way they could justify this oppression. The betrayal of first my best friend, who since getting into the best class in school while scoring lower than I did (I of course got into only the 2nd best class) has never been open to my POV as a POC, and then my government, is profound. To be told and then shown over and over that you’re only a 2nd class citizen when you and 4 generations of your family have been born, lived, worked and died here is insulting, demoralizing, and patronizing. This is why the country suffers from an acute brain drain problem, because the irony is that even the highly educated members of the majority race (who were sent overseas to complete bachelors, masters and PhDs on public coffers) don’t want to come back to the country after taxpayer dollars were spent on giving them the skills and education that were denied to the minorities, skills that should be put to use improving the country’s infrastructure and economy. And on and on it goes, with no change in sight. This is of course not the US, but my point is that sometimes just knowing someone, or even many people from a different world than theirs, isn’t enough to make the racists and those who benefit from racism really see and understand those who are oppressed by racism.

Hayley B

Reply to f

October 3, 2020 5:14am 5:14 am

Lauren, I get where you’re coming from, I do. For any other Republican administration, civil debate and respect for differing views would absolutely be possible, because we would be debating the relative merits and drawbacks of policies, whether economic or healthcare-related, etc. Unfortunately with The Orange One — who shows open contempt for the rule of law, civil society, fact-based science, basic common decency, and constantly disrespects the honour and prestige of the highest office of the land — and eggs on his white supremacist followers to do the same, it is not possible to engage Trump supporters with any modicum of civility. Because with them it’s no longer about debating abstract concepts but rather how they can condone violence against Blacks and POC, agree with racist policies, disregard federal and antitrust laws, promote cronyism capitalism, fill the Internet with hateful racist rhetoric and call it “free speech” instead of sedition, create and disseminate fake news and misinformation on things like voter fraud and denying Russian meddling in the 2016 elections, spreading lies on dangerously inaccurate Covid cures which have no basis in fact, and so on. Basically because it’s impossible to engage irrational people in rational discourse. Just look at how the Presidential debate devolved into a shouting match, because Trump has zero consideration for his opponents and is only interested in grandiose self-aggrandizement based on delusional thinking. Worst still, this brings out the worse in people on both sides of the political divide, with the sum outcome being a country that’s becoming totally polarized and may never be able to meet in the middle again. To wit, there’s nothing liberals can do or say that will encourage Trump supporters to behave civilly.

Nigerian Girl

Reply to f

October 15, 2020 6:29pm 6:29 pm

@Anonymouse I just had to comment because the dynamics in your country are quite similar to ours in Nigeria. Here, since most of us are black, we don’t call it racism but tribalism. And it’s so ugly.

Privileged

Reply to f

January 10, 2021 12:11pm 12:11 pm

OMG @Anonymouse are you Malaysian

Anonymous

October 2, 2020 12:50pm 12:50 pm

That is such a tough choice to make. I live in a small town with very few POC. Right now with everything going on my family doesn’t see anything wrong and blame POC for each situation. I get really frustrated and there’s no getting through to them so at this moment it’s mentally tiring. It amazes me how 10 years ago when my aunt said some nasty, horrible things about me and my boyfriend in high school (he’s a POC) that my parents went to war against her defending me and him and they truly did love him and was glad we were dating. How people can go from that to how they are now just blows my mind but gives me a glimmer of hope that they can be reasoned with eventually.

Hannah

October 2, 2020 10:32am 10:32 am

Wow I really love this new column and so appreciate this thoughtful advice on how to navigate new (to me! I understand racism is something that others have truly been facing for a long time) complexities in old friendships.

Gisela

October 2, 2020 9:50am 9:50 am

What about if it’s your family? :( I feel so lost and so hurt. They don’t believe that racism is systemic. They also constantly try to make it seem like these hate groups are not all that bad. I don’t understand. I can’t even look at their faces without feeling hurt. And anytime I try to calmly talk to them they just keep going on about how they are not that bad or how “Oh but this person is black and they don’t feel this way.” I don’t know how to even talk to them. Facts don’t do it. :(

Peg

Reply to Gisela

October 2, 2020 12:46pm 12:46 pm

Gisela – I am in a similar situation and have an older sister who is particularly bad. She gives all the conservative pat responses and goes as far as to say that slavery was “not that bad”. I have given up sending articles or trying to discuss anything with her. I wish I could say that love conquers all but it doesn’t. I want nothing to do with her. It hurts every single day to have family members who view the world this way. I feel for you.

Diana K.

Reply to Gisela

October 2, 2020 1:53pm 1:53 pm

I have similar struggles with members of my family. Every time we get in a car together my dad loves goading me with conservative takes on current events. In the past, he has refused to rent to Black people (!!!), talked about being oppressed as a white man (!!!!!!), and simply didn’t believe racism existed (!!!!!). We’ve clashed about it all, getting in exhausting and heated conversations almost every time we saw each other. I always thought I was wasting my breath and my sanity getting worked up every time but RECENTLY with the horrible news of George Floyd I caught him being really compassionate towards black victims of police violence. In one conversation he acknowledged that racism exists. I taught him about Black Wall Street and the Tulsa Massacre and he was surprised and it killed his argument about bootstrapping. It’s obviously not enough, but it’s progress. And if I didn’t get into these conversations with him, he’d be having them with my conservative brother, which makes me shudder.

October 2, 2020 8:25am 8:25 am

Advice needed: I’m in this situation but…it’s my boss. I’ve also known my boss for more than half my life growing up as she was my teacher (who then hired me to join her private tutoring company). Some of my colleagues share her views, and it’s a small company. I’m not at leisure to leave the company right now (due to contracts and financial situation) but having recently learned from my boss that she thinks “George Floyd had it coming to him” and that “Black people are all criminals” and “slavery ended a long time ago – get over it”, I am feeling deeply unsettled about working here. We never talked about issues like this before because of our purely mentor-mentee relationship relating to work and before that, I was a kid. Also, because of the nature of our work (we’re subcontractors who work pretty independently of each other), we don’t get to talk regularly about things happening outside of work like we would in a typical office situation. The only reason I’d heard these views of hers was when she started ranting about her frustration with BLM during our one-on-one. I was caught off guard, and although I tried to reason with her, I wasn’t as eloquent as I could’ve been. I think what I said ended up coming out more like a splutter of shock. How do I navigate this? We’re both POC women too. For the moment, I’ve just been trying to minimize our non-work conversations and keep it purely professional, but I can’t stop thinking about what she said (or that one of colleagues also said “White privilege is just liberals being racist to Whites.”).

Reply to WM

October 5, 2020 4:31pm 4:31 pm

I was in a similar situation once, but I was the manager and the other person was my direct report. One of the things that I found made the biggest difference was clearly and boldly stating my disagreements without anger but stopping to do so every. single. time. This ended up in me educating myself even more (I’m a non-black POC, this person was white) so that I could explicitly back up my statements when needed. Did it stop around me but keep going elsewhere? Probably, but it also felt important to make it clear to “the room” that casual racist commentary wasn’t welcome. And though I don’t know that it made the speaker think any differently, I know for a fact that it did so for others around us listening.

Rachel F

October 1, 2020 11:05pm 11:05 pm

This is so well said and so thoughtful. Thank you to Christine for talking through this, for centering BIPOC voices and for starting this segment!

Emily

October 1, 2020 10:46pm 10:46 pm

I appreciate this great new column. This answer was helpful and excited for future posts. Echoing gratitude for speaking up. Its disappointing seeing people be quiet due to fear of losing followers. Human lives and real change are way more important. Thank you!

Laura

October 1, 2020 6:39pm 6:39 pm

Hello all… I’m wondering where we draw the line? It may be different for every situation. If someone disagrees with critical race theory or BLM (the organization) but you know that they go out of their way to help people of all colors – should we back away? Sometimes these are difficult conversations to have.

Reply to Laura

October 1, 2020 8:54pm 8:54 pm

I think that this letter illustrates it perfectly. Situations and individuals may differ, but when you feel that you can no longer shoulder the burden on your own well-being, that’s probably a sign.

Diana K.

Reply to Laura

October 2, 2020 1:58pm 1:58 pm

It’s up to you to draw your own line. The test is whether or not your disagreement is emotionally draining. It’s possible to have healthy discourse with someone who is idealogically opposed to you, and it’s not morally wrong to keep them in your life, but the advice column makes the point that you don’t have to hang onto people who affect you negatively- for any reason.

Phoenix's Mom

October 1, 2020 5:26pm 5:26 pm

For those of you trying to talk to older relatives about BLM, my high school daughter, who is Asian American, and her friends put together an explainer website bringing together resources from all over the internet to help: http://translationsforblm.com/. The “Letters” tab has a sample email that you could send. There’s even a translations dropdown menu so that the entire site can be translated into Chinese, Vietnamese, Hindi, etc.

Emilie

Reply to Phoenix's Mom

October 1, 2020 7:42pm 7:42 pm

You must be so proud of your daughter. Knowing the future is in the hands of her generation is one of the few thoughts that eases my worry. Please know we are all proud, and grateful. Well done with her.

Sarah

October 1, 2020 4:48pm 4:48 pm

My in-laws are most certainly racist. It’s unlikely they are willing or even able to change. So, my husband and I are attacking racism from a different angle. We put our daughter in the most diverse daycare we could find. She is one of two white kids in her class. We can’t always change the grown ups, but we can most certainly teach the children. Before she ever understands racism, I want her know other cultures and people with different skin colours are her friends and her community.

Johanna

Reply to Sarah

October 2, 2020 12:30pm 12:30 pm

LOVE THIS!

Your child will be able to witness that everyone is somebody’s daughter/son, mother/father, aunt/uncle, niece/nephew, or cousin no matter what their race.

Vicky

Reply to Sarah

October 4, 2020 5:19pm 5:19 pm

As a black woman I cried reading your comment. It really touched me. This is such a great way to do something that you have control of. If we can all reflect on how we can do Small positive thing to counteract the evil of racism it will add up for the long term.

Cait

October 1, 2020 4:13pm 4:13 pm

I wish I could remember who said it, but this summer I heard Black leaders asking white people to please stay in relationship and have the hard conversations, educating people. It is less emotional labor for us, first of all. If as a white person I can have hard conversations with family (with whom since there is no personal trauma I will never break off relationship) that gives them a chance to grow, as it does with friends, who I might have the choice to leave behind, but it seems like the best thing to do to stay present, challenging their norm and being another voice. I know that won’t always be possible. But maybe it’s a responsibility white people should take on.
It’s one of the biggest issues I had with a popular twitter thread by a white person, that went around recently. Zero grace but also, some of us have to stick it out to make change, and I think that burden should fall on white people.

Vicky

Reply to Cait

October 4, 2020 5:20pm 5:20 pm

Courtney Dal Porto

October 1, 2020 3:50pm 3:50 pm

THIS: It might mean accepting that we live in a time where lines are being drawn, and we give ourselves permission to cling to our righteousness, not out of smugness or superiority, but because holding the line is our best hope for the future we want.

Megan

October 1, 2020 3:17pm 3:17 pm

I loved the tone of this advice column and as a white woman with many friends who are POC, I’ll definitely keep reading. My Black friends often deflect their own significant struggles with humor and jokes so I hope this sensitive perspective will help me be a better friend.

It’s also interesting because, as a white person, I’ve pushed away white casually racist friends without a second thought. I struggle with my white family members to open their eyes to systemic injustice because blood is thicker than water and so the struggle feels worth it but I don’t have the energy to do so with non-family members. I didn’t feel guilty about abandoning these people; I felt good. Now this article has me thinking and I’m not sure if my guilt-free decisions to just avoid these individuals rather than continue to struggle with them is another example of white privilege…. but, also, as a white person, I absolutely did not want to be associated with those types. Food for thought, and thanks for that :)

October 1, 2020 2:37pm 2:37 pm

Please don’t loose friends to the orange monster. I lost my friend this way the year he got elected and she passed away a year later from illness. Because of these walls we built around us, her last days and my rest of my life have agony in them that could have been avoided.

Looks like the root cause of your friends denial is not understanding how systemic racism exists. Perhaps there was a time in your life when you didn’t see it / understand it either ? Maybe its a matter of time that she sees it too ? Maybe you are the one who helps her out in this regard ? Perhaps she won’t get this sort of influence from the other sources in her life ?

Please don’t quit on your friends due to the orange monster. He will go. We will build a better world again. The work starts now.

Katrin

Reply to A

October 1, 2020 4:44pm 4:44 pm

But she wouldn‘t drop the friendship because of Trump, she would end it because of a lack of openness and empathy, and, ultimately, respect, of her friend. And no one is obliged to stay friends with someone in order to educate them, if said friend (or rather, „friend“) refuses to listen. End of story. It’s very simple.

Reply to A

October 1, 2020 5:29pm 5:29 pm

Thanks for sharing this hard lesson with us, A. I’m deeply sorry for the loss of your friend.

Tiffani

Reply to A

October 1, 2020 7:37pm 7:37 pm

A friendship is supposed to.he mutually beneficial and supportive and this one isn’t. And friendship shouldn’t mean that you overlook or co-sign deep character flaws. Especially since this person is themselves a person of color. The topic at hand may be the Black Lives Matter movement, but if this person refuses to acknowledge that racism and white supremacy exist, she’s also turning away from problems that impact her non white friend and that’s unkind at best. The only reason this person is considering continuing the friendship is because she feels obligated to try to change the other person’s mind. That’s not her job and this person isn’t meeting her halfway and deserves to be dropped. And people really, really need to stop urging people who are non white to stay in relationships with white people who won’t commit to being anti racist. That’s such an unreasonable thing to ask.

dlo

Reply to A

October 2, 2020 12:17pm 12:17 pm

The world is full of people like Trump. The real problem is the people who put someone like him into office. If people like her “friend” hadn’t voted for him, he’d be scamming as a real estate developer instead of scamming the entire country. Unfortunately, his supporters will still be here when he’s gone. They are the problem.

Lauren

Reply to A

October 4, 2020 12:47pm 12:47 pm

I’m glad you commented. I’ve experienced a bit of that; it makes you want everyone to realize how precious relationships are!
Katrin, Tiffani, DLO – I unfortunately think that it’s actually very possible for a person to support Trump without having those character flaws: if you believe (as I once did) that abortion is murder (and it shouldn’t be hard to understand how a person could believe that, if they’re religious), you believe that the state freely condones nearly 1000000 murders per year. If you believed that, you would very most likely be a single-issue voter too. You see the louder nuttier religious people in the news; there are a lot of people like I was, just quietly devastated at the evil in the world, etc. I don’t agree with the views I had then, but I don’t think your descriptions fit how I was as a friend to the people around me.

Nicki

October 1, 2020 2:21pm 2:21 pm

From a long-time, daily reader – thank you Christine and CoJ team for creating a thoughtful space for these important conversations. Some comments are indeed disheartening, and please don’t hesitate to adjust your moderation of comments to whatever you deem most appropriate – but please keep sharing these kinds of posts,.

Magdalena

October 1, 2020 2:02pm 2:02 pm

I wish people were more pre-occupied with how the person in front of them is doing than on debating them on the next hot political topic. As an immigrant and woman of color, with dark skin and curly hair -I still do not understand American’s fascination with racism. Yes, I have experienced racism myself and I am knowledgeable of the historical events that led us here. No, a twenty year friendship is more important than getting someone to agree with me on an issue that is personal and that everyone experiences differently. The friend could have easily agreed with her to appease her, but instead she decided to voice her opinion. Instead of hearing her out, the friend decides she needs to cut her off. By doing that, she is being biased and engaging in discrimination, and as a result is doing the very thing she is accusing the friend of doing. Please stop promoting division. We each need to do our part to create a better place for ALL, not just the people we agree with.

Genevieve

Reply to Magdalena

October 1, 2020 3:16pm 3:16 pm

To me it sounded like the letter writer did indeed make efforts during the conversation to hear her out, and that her friend was not actually doing any doing any listening or learning on their part.

There are various levels of racism, some that are micro-aggressive and minimally harmful, and on other levels it is very very harmful and, as is evidence in police profiling, often fatal. It sounds like you have not really experienced racism to the level that is actually putting you at an disadvantage. I am also a non black POC woman, and as a first generation child of immigrant parents, I have definitely experienced some racism, but I would never compare my experience to what black people in America experience overall which is totally different. From what it sounds like, you are not black, and I don’t think it helpful to group your own experience of racism with general “racism” that is often a different experience for everyone.

And as for calling racism a “hot” trendy “political topic”, I find it interesting that you suggest we care about the person in front of them instead. Caring about our neighbors and community who experience racism, and making strides to continually combat and defeat racism, are exactly we are talking about racism. It is something that happens daily in many places around the world, so to your point, people DO indeed care very very much individuals around them. By what you’re saying, which is that caring for others around them is totally different from debating racism, I think your thoughts tend to align with the letter writer’s friend, which is that racism doesn’t exist. Or perhaps you do think it “exists”, technically, but not to the point that it is actually harmful or that it really matters. I encourage you to educate yourself about racism and take steps to understand how other people who are not of your ethnicity, and people who don’t come from where you live, feel about and have experienced racism.

Maya

Reply to Magdalena

October 1, 2020 3:46pm 3:46 pm

This makes a lot of sense to me. I know others will disagree.

Christine Pride

Reply to Magdalena

October 1, 2020 5:21pm 5:21 pm

Hi Magdelena– Thanks for reading the column and commenting. I do think American racism, its nuances and complexities, can be hard to understand, especially from an “outsider’s” perspective, so I applaud your efforts to listen and learn and this is a great community to do that. I think you get to the heart of what I was trying to say in my response to Rachel’s letter: that there are some things people can reasonably disagree about, but there are some things that are painful or insensitive not to acknowledge. As a black woman who HAS experienced overt and systemic racism, it doesn’t feel like just a simple “difference of opinion” for someone to say it doesn’t exist– it feels invalidating and demoralizing. After all, if we can’t acknowledge the extent of a problem, how can we hope to address it. And it doesn’t feel like it’s sowing division to point that out. I agree that we all need to do our part to come together and part of that is having these tough conversations with the hope of fostering education and empathy. I hope by sharing my personal views and experiences as a black woman you can learn and understand, and vice versa. I hope you’ll keep reading and keep engaging with the community. Just this thoughtful exchange with one other reader (Genevieve), was, I thought, very powerful and representative of a kind and productive dialogue. Let’s keep it up.

Stephanie

Reply to Magdalena

October 1, 2020 6:54pm 6:54 pm

Magdalena – Thank you for saying this. I completely agree. Especially the part about how her friend chose to voice her opinion instead of appeasing her. That is true friendship – honesty and giving each other the benefit of the doubt. The letter writer said her friend didn’t listen to her but it also seems like she didn’t listen to her friend and instead dismissed her opinions as far-right and labeled her a racist. We never get to hear any of her friend’s actual arguments, except that “all people are equal in the eyes of God” – which is annoyingly cliche, sure, but far from racist. I fear that this kind of self-righteousness and inability to engage with anyone that doesn’t agree with your exact brand of wokeness is creating further division and contributing to the rise of Trumpism.

Reply to Magdalena

October 1, 2020 9:23pm 9:23 pm

@MAGDALENA – I relate to this and absolutely agree. I have friends who disagree with my beliefs and are as passionate to their causes as I am. They are also the same friends who have shown kindness and generosity when I need it most.

Friendships starts and stops and starts again – if you only stuck with people who think the same as you on all things, that circle will get smaller.

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