Gift Guide #4: Your Mom (or Mother Figure) Who Makes the Best Chocolate Chip Cookies and Just Learned How to Text Emojis.

My mom’s been gone for 20 years, Emily. It’s normal to feel that way. Hugs.

I think I’m with you here. I deeply love my mother and she’s given me so much. However, adult me has finally realized that the two of us have a truly difficult relationship and it’s not healthy to pretend we do. I can’t spend time with her or speak to her on the phone. She can’t come into my home because she makes hurtful comments (“what a dump!” “you’re jealous of your sisters because they became doctors and have nicer things”) and immediately forgets but I reel from the sting of them endlessly. I appreciate her but she isn’t perfect. Not having a mother that I can connect makes me feel so lonely and unprepared for life things (I’m 32) and looking back, I was unprepared for a lot of things. I don’t know how to say what I’m saying! I’m lucky & privileged to have her but also, I don’t really ‘have’ her, too.

Me too. My mom has had a hard life, but her expectations on me are that I was a different person. At least that’s what I feel. I feel sad too when I see these posts, Emily.
Once for her birthday I gave her a spa circuit and it expired before she could go. She just didn’t know that it had a expire date, she wss waiting for a friend to go with her or just forgot about it. I felt very sad for that.

Me too. Expecting goodness and normality from your mother seems strange to me. I’m about to become a mother myself and love the thought that my daughter one day might think it a great idea to buy her mother face masks to do together – haha. Even though my own mother is an unapproachable and self centered woman who does not partipate in society, I can be a caring and giving mom. If it wasn’t for these posts, I don’t think I would have known such mums even exist.

Emily, I’m feeling for you. My own mum is very cool but many of my close friends have complicated relationships with either their mother or father and I know this can be extra tough during holiday season. It’s too complex to give any advice, but just wanted to let you know that you are absolutely not alone.

Right there with you, Emily! Don’t worry, you are DEFINITELY not alone, but yeah it’s pretty hard :(

Thank you so much for putting this here. I also have a “tense” relationship (mostly low contact) with my mum. It’s just the best way. I love reading these gift guides though the holidays do make it a little on-the-nose and force us to come face to face with our own family shortcomings. Joanna and crew, thank you for creating a community that can come together like this just in the comments section. I hope everyone finds a way to feel loved this holiday season and surround themselves with the happiness and security we all deserve,

I have had to heal from childhood abuse and learn to “parent” myself with kindness and love. I wanted to share that reading your blog, Joanna, including stories about your mother, is one of the ways I have learned to understand what a good mother feels like, so thank you xo

Sorry Emily, I feel the same about my dad. It’s really hard during the holidays because the expectations are so warm and fuzzy. And I truly do feel that way about my life….just.. not about my dad. I try to forget about him. I am counting my blessings and trying to focus on how grateful I am for everything I have!