One Thing That Has Surprised Me About Parenting

I’m coming to this years later after this was written after it was linked in a recent post, as I have felt this now for six years since my youngest daughter was born. EVERY DAY I think about more babies even though I know that we have such a good thing going with our 2, and one more could break our finances, health and marriage. And I’m 41! This post really captures this feeling so well — thank you.

There was a point where I was sure I would have three but I was diagnosed with lymphoma and the treatments I undertook meant I would have to wait at least a year to have another baby. But in that year, two families in our circle had their third children diagnosed with serious special needs — nonverbal autism and cerebral palsy. Both were, unsurprisingly, finding life very difficult. I feel like I could have been an excellent mother for a child with extra needs as a first or even second kid, but I know it would put me over the edge with the third — not fair to that child or my two others in our financial situation (and continents away from our families). So that put the idea to bed.

Off to read the rest of the wonderful comments. Thank you!

That quote was moving… I actually teared up. My baby is 11 months old; and already she is running around, getting into everything, and being the monster she should be. I am trying hard to soak it all in, but it’s hard to stifle the “I can’t wait until…” thoughts. It’s amazing what these little beings do to you.

My sister-in-law was pregnant with her second baby when I started dating my husband. After the baby was born, she said that they were done- they had their little boy and their little girl and their family was complete. She surprised me recently, when I was pregnant with our first (and so far only) baby, saying that maybe they would have another. She told me that it was hard to decide against having another, because even though their family feels complete right now, she knew that if they did have another child, it would be the best decision that they ever made. To me, having the option to have another baby sounds luxurious. Getting our little guy was a long road, with miscarriages and infertility struggles. I’d love to have one or two or three more, but I feel really lucky to have this little one!

I didn’t feel done until my youngest of three ( three boys 13,11 and a baby boy who we lost at 2 months old) was 10. I knew i didn’t want any more when he was four or five but last year i really knew, i was done (there are moments I am actually a little put off by babies and kids) but even with all that certainty there are also moments when I am swept away with the idea of a certain weight in my belly, breast and arms. I do secretly daydream about being a grandmother!

Oh! I feel THE ACHE all right. I have three beautiful children and they are more than enough, I rationally know that. I’ve had infertility issues in the past, I also had a miscarriage, so now it feels weird not wanting to have any more children. I really understand every comment about the anxiety and grief you can feel about the possibility of not having a child ever. That’s scary and very much more complex than this ache Johanna is talking about. Nevertheless, the ache is very real. My youngest one is three, and whenever I see my brother’s babies I get it badly. But then again, the other night I was baby sitting one of them, trying to make her sleep at three in the morning, and that really reminded me of my decision.
So, I don’t think it gets easier, but I keep trying to remind myself why I know it’s right for us.

While I was pregnant with my second I knew he was it. I didn’t enjoy being pregnant. Financially 2 would be more than enough. I didn’t like the idea of being outnumbered kids to parents. And really my most favorite age was under 6 months. Realistically I knew kids grew up way to fast to keep having them for babies sake. But to actually make that final decision was difficult. My dear friend said to me “As a woman I will always have that desire to have my arms full with a babe.” And after I heard that (still pregnant with my second) I realized I could have 4, 6 10 babies and still want more. (I call it the Duggar effect) So 2 months after my second was born my husband took care of things. And when he came back home I was sad. My first thought was “Now im ready for grandbabies!” So now I’m committed to the decision which really helps. I can go enjoy other people’s babies without to much pain. And I can think IF it were to happen if by some miracle welp then for sure it’s God’s will.

I always wanted several children (2, 3, 4?), but when we started trying to get pregnant, we ran into fertility problems that took several years to figure out. I had my first child at age 33, then my second at 35–a girl and then a boy, after which my husband was ready to be done. But I wasn’t. The ache was almost constant. Years went by, then an accidental pregnancy that ended in a miscarriage that broke my heart, as I was turning 40 and knew my husband didn’t want any more babies. That was a very difficult time. But lo and behold, after he relented and two more years went by, we had our third beloved child! She was born when I was 42 and my husband was almost 46. She is a delight (although we of course worry about how long we will be around for her). But I want to say that once I gave birth to her, the ache went away. I still adore babies and always will feel a little pang when I think of how quickly they grow up, but for me, the baby ache that was always with me truly went away.

You have managed to put into words exactly how I feel. I have two boys ages 6 and 4, and I have the ache. I am done having kids. We are done growing our family. I sometimes feel like I’m drowning under the weight of my two, crazy, wonderful boys. But it’s the weight of those little babes that has a way of grounding us in the moment. Thank you for another beautiful post. I look forward to your email every week, as I have for years and years.

I have one – a ten year old boy. I love being a mother so incredibly much and I don’t think I ever imagined not having at least one more. I do an emotional balancing act every day: on one side is the gratitude of being a mother and having this beautiful boy in our lives at all – and all the benefits of the extra time and flexible lives we have because we are a family of three. On the other is the sad feeling I have when I think I won’t ever have the experience of those little hands again, or when I see siblings having fun together and think that my son won’t ever have that. Or when I hold a newborn baby. But then, if I had two, maybe I’d still feel this way? If we had three, maybe I’d crave a forth? Maybe we always want more of the wonderful things? I wonder if it’s hormones too… coming to the end of my thirties and that realisation that at some point soonish I’ll be “too old” to biologically have any more. So so heartening to see the huge number of comments on this post and to know that others feel torn about this too.

My husband and I decided we were done after our first two. Two mad the most rational sense. Then I was at the chiropractor and was listening to her say to a pregnant patient “the next time I see you, you will have your baby!” I started tearing up and couldn’t stop for much of the day. When I talked to my husband about it he said “you know, we can have another baby!” That was it. Another baby (and another miserable pregnancy) it was! Now I am super content with three. Two just wasn’t quite enough. I also finally got a girl!

We have been trying for about 5 months for our first, and the ache is very real for me, especially after I’ve watched friend after friend get pregnant and give birth. God is never late, and I’m learning patience in the waiting.

I have two daughters, 4 and 7, and I feel completely content with just two (those pregnancies were fraught with complications, and severe postpartum depression and those babies full of colic), but I still feel The Ache and look into every stroller I pass to see those new babies and hold their little feet. There was a darling baby riding the train with me this morning and it was all I could do not to ask to hold that mama’s beautiful babe. They are the light of the world and everything that is pure and beautiful and holding one, even if it is not your own, is total joy. My daughters would love a sibling, but we are content to offer-up babysitting to the new mamas in the neighborhood, so they can get a break and we can all get our baby fix.

We had made the decision to be done with two kids. My son and daughter were only two years apart and best friends, I was 36, we wanted to be through with the diapering/napping/helpless years and onto the family adventures years… 4 days before my husband’s vasectomy, I texted him a picture of a positive pregnancy test. We felt nothing but joy in our hearts even as the weight of more sleepless nights and diapers and the shrinking of a world that was just beginning to widen a bit settled in our minds. Yes, life is exhausting and harried and uncertain and our worlds a little smaller. But this is a finite season and its cost is nothing compared to the beauty and exquisiteness of watching another human life unfold. He has colic and reflux and will sometimes only sleep in the baby carrier, which means I’m wiping poop and changing diapers and snuggling my older two kids while I have another baby on me. I’m exhausted and overwhelmed. But this is a finite season and looking at his pink sleepy cheeks and fist on my shirt while he nurses squeezes my heart like few things could. This is a finite season and watching a smile light up his whole face when I finally make eye contact after he watched and waited for that moment, for a glimpse of his Mama, this is a gift too great to question. Would things be easier with two? Certainly. A little less harried and messy? Absolutely. But now that we have our third baby, life would seem to be missing something were he not here. My twin sister and her husband recently decided to try for a third. She was leaning toward another, he thought they should be happy with two. In the end he said, “I would never regret another baby if we had one, but I think maybe there might be a piece of you that would regret not having another one.” Their third is due this December.

I think maybe the ache never really goes away. I always remember how much my grandma loved to hold babies! You could see the joy and love in her face as she held them. I would guess she felt an “ache” for them into her 90s. Especially in the presence of a beautiful new babe… the soft hair! The little toes! The smell! I think I’ll always ache for another little one a bit. Those early days are so sweet and tender… seems natural to long for them again here and there while still being “done” and greatful for the family you do have.

I have two boys the same age as yours and had the baby ache BAD up until a year ago. I used to beg my husband to have another! But since then I have started yoga five times a week, taken on a fulfilling, hectic job, and made a real effort to reconnect with a whole lot of my old friends who I hardly saw. The ache has gradually gone! Turns out I didn’t want another baby, I just needed to keep a little busier, and really appreciate my time with the wondrous kids I’ve already got.

I would be very interested in knowing your “many reasons,” Joanna! I know it’s a personal question. :) We have our reasons for not trying for a third baby, too, but I can debunk almost all of them.

My husband recently asked me what we will do with our time when we are older and greyer, when our current babies are no longer that and we can do “whatever we want”. I responded with, “Have more babies?” ☺️ I don’t think I am the type of person to ever be “done” having young children, they are just absolutely magical! I can see myself finding young moms with little ones and investing my time and love and energy into them just as my community of women have done for me.

I just found out that I was pregnant completely unexpectedly and unplanned. The most difficult thing that I’m processing right now is the fact that this will be my last baby and I’m not ready to be done. I wasn’t ready for the pregnancy, i’m not ready for the infant but I’m really not ready to put this stage behind us. I’m mourning the loss of what hasn’t even happened yet and focused on missing something that still hasn’t come. It’s bizarre and difficult and of course yes, we could have another but I really only ever wanted two… I feel like I can’t focus on the now and the joy that is to come because I’m so aware of the disrupted plan and idea of what the future years would hold.

Was it here that I first read the essay ‘Baby Weight’ by Cheryl Strayed? About missing the weight of a baby in your arms. I don’t think it ever goes away. I hold my last little one- he just turned a year old- and I already miss him. I know it’s important to be present- I think that’s why I feel it though- I am so blissfully contented and exhausted right now but it goes too quickly. That’s finally why my husband and I decided on a third. We knew it would be hard but we just couldn’t resist. We have three gorgeous boys now and the ache is still there- dull and heavy and settled- we’re done.

Posts like these are hard to read when looking at it through the lens of infertility. 1 in 8 couples struggle with this. 12-13% of readers have probably undergone fertility treatments (fertility meds, IUI, IVF, embryo adoption, etc.) I try so hard to read posts about motherhood and family planning and not get hurt — I certainly know it’s just a topic of communication and means no harm — but so many families don’t have the luxury to think this way. So many families pray and hope to have the joy of experiencing ONE kid, and that one child absolutely is planned and paid for well in advance. We can’t just “decide” to have another kid. Just some food for thought. I know you can’t be sensitive to all people — then you wouldn’t be able to write anything! :)

Have you thought about doing a story on a couple who created their family through embryo adoption? My husband and I are currently pregnant with what will be our first (and only) child through this process. 3 years and $20K later, we are happy and content to just have one.

I’m of no help at all because I totally think you should have another one! I know, that’s totally weird to say, but how cool would it be to meet another new little person? Perhaps because we had so many struggles and we are totally done (after two) and it’s not even possible now (I’m 45!) I’m totally into other people having more. :)