Who Initiates Sex in Your Relationship?

This is going to sound very weird, but I credit my IUD with the return of my sex drive after two pregnancies (both conceived while on the pill- wtf?!). After the terrible first few months where I didn’t stop bleeding, crazzzzzzy mood swings, headaches, anxiety attacks, I’m so happy I decided to give it another month because eventually everything evened itself out and I feel like my 24 year old self I was when my husband and I were first dating. I think we initiate equally now, no one ever gets shut down, and the intimacy and humor that comes with marriage and parenthood makes it so much better than it ever was when we were young, nubile, carefree, and much less squishy ;)

There is a great book called “Make Love Like a Prairie Vole: Six Steps to Passionate, Plentiful, and Monogamous Sex” that I recommend to any married couple.

The author, Andrew G Marshall, is a British therapist who relies on years of professional experience to help couples navigate many of the issues described in the comments section in an approachable, direct way. The book additionally offers a step-by-step approach for restoring intimacy to a marriage.

I’m amazed by the way you American women can talk about sex ! I could never imagine such an intimate and funny post in France and so many wonderful and sincere comments ! I assume in our country, which is considered as the country of love and sex, there’s no place for dry spells and we never talk about it (even when we’re between girls)… So thank you for your work, your tone, Joanna, and for your amazing and honest comments, ladies ! I feel less alone now that I read them all :) thanks so much for sharing !

Joanna, and everybody else, what a fantastic, loving, caring and non-judgemental community we have here. Thank you, it is possibly one of the few actually warm fuzzy feelings the web can ever give!

From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

I have been married for 11 y together for 21;) after facing secondary infertility with 4yrsof treatment (no 2nd child, two loses) I have confused relationship with sex;) Sometimes I feel it is A Meeting, A Gift of two people for each other, moment of connecting with whole world -then I feel the energy we create. But sometimes I feel it is lacking of sense – when you know you are not able to take this spark and create life -it is more like exercising. So after this struggle I am sensitive in this area. I am trying to see and value the creative part of my life but it has left a scar in me. Maybe after menopauzę sex will be just sex:)))

Joanna:

This post is such a gift to so many women! Thank you for your transparency! Maybe put some of the most common thoughts into a Q and A with a specialist? THANK YOU!

So many great comments! I read almost all and related to many. I’m in my late 30’s (wow, that’s depressing) and have been married for 11 years, together for 13. We have 2 children (6 and 2). We have been having a very long dry spell of just under 2 YEARS. It’s a HUGE issue in our relationship. Part of me thinks it could be because I’ve been breastfeeding for a solid SIX years (!!!) and a generally exhausted SAHM, but another part of me knows it is because of a lot of other reasons as well. Our marriage had its fair share of trouble even before any dry spell. My husband gained a ton of weight and because of that AND because of because of a lot of day-to-day disagreements and bickering, I am no longer attracted to him. I don’t even like him a lot of the time. He blames all of the strain in our relationship completely on sex. I say that I can’t even think of sex when I’m pissed at him for what he has (or has not) done during the day. Things are also hard because my husband works 12-hour night shifts a week and I do about 95% of the parenting, including dealing with children who almost always wake up a few times every night ?…It has been a lot worse between us since I got pregnant with our 2nd and didn’t ever initiate sex and turned him down a few times…because I had bad morning sickness for about 5 months. He took it personally (he’s a SUPER sensitive Pisces who has always been obsessed with sex, never satisfied even when we would have sex multiple times a day, several times a week when we were first together! Even when I had recurrent, chronic UTI’s for FIVE years! How’s that for selfishness for you, eh??) and was positive we only had sex more before that so I could get pregnant and then once I got pregnant, I didn’t want/need him anymore. I tried telling him it was because I felt awful, but he didn’t care. Our relationship worsened as the pregnancy progressed. The birth was traumatic and my body has never felt the same since-it’s been totally different than with our first child. We had sex a few months after our 2nd was born and it was too painful for us to keep going. After that it was about a year. We had sex for the 2nd time post-baby a couple of months ago and it was still very painful…and I hated it the entire time. AND I got my first UTI in years right after. And then my husband pouted after hearing that. Ugh. I KNOW our relationship would improve if we had more sex-or wait, I should say that I know my husband’s moods and general attitudes would improve if we had more/regular sex, but honestly, I have no interest. I could chalk it up to breastfeeding hormones, but there was a period when our firstborn was younger (and I was nursing about as much as I am now) that I had a much higher libido. So…i don’t think it’s that. We’ve seen a therapist on and off for the last 7 years or so, and we didn’t bring it up for a very long time…and once we did, the therapist responded like the therapist in another reader’s comment, by saying “maybe sex just isn’t going to happen at this phase in your marriage…and that is ok,” and after that session, my husband decided he didn’t want to go to counseling anymore…or at least didn’t want to go to THAT counselor anymore. ?? I think because of this issue…and because the therapist seemed to “side” with me most of the time. It’s very frustrating. The whole situation is very frustrating. Neither one of us wants to get divorced, but mostly because of the kids. It makes me sad. I have kept myself looking physically good-pretty much the same as I did pre-children-and feel like I’m the same personality as I was when we first got together…while i feel my husband has changed dramatically. Sorry to go on and on…I guess my issue is more than just a sexual one. Ahhh, life.

This is funny timing. My husband and I are in pretty good shape in this department, but he would like to have sex slightly more often than me, and would love it if I initiated more frequently. Our kids are just old enough to want me around, but not to be WITH me all the time, and I was just thinking that I needed a hobby, something I could do around the house, like quilting or gardening. Last night I thought: hey! maybe my hobby could be thinking about and planning for awesome sex. The thought made me laugh, and then it made me nervous — and now I want to see if I can deliver the goods.

Married 9 years, together 15, we’re both 32/33. We have a 3 year old and are battling secondary infertility, trying well over a year, so it’s a strange drought. We do it often during the “window”- but not too often (nothing like analyzing the window and sex when you’re on fertility meds), so “off window” times are few and far between. Kind of shitty. When we weren’t in this rut, 1x a week was normal, usually my husband initiated but if he cleans or takes the daughter so I can get “me” time (work at home mom) I’m all over him later :)

You are so refreshingly candid and thats why I love this blog :)

Shruthi
http://nyambura.co

i always love these comments!

Love this discussion! My husband and I started fertility treatments for our second baby last summer. All the hormones, plus the schedule of the inseminations, made me not excited about having sex. Then, I did get pregnant (yay!), but had terrible morning sickness for the first 3 to 4 months. We were both really looking forward to that period in the second trimester when you want to have sex ALL THE TIME. But, I was put on pelvic rest at 20 weeks for the remainder of my pregnancy (almost 5 months people!), so even though I wanted to, no sex. I am now a few weeks postpartum, and we have just a few weeks to go until we get the all clear. My poor husband. It has been a pretty dry year for him. He is always so sweet though. Sometimes he would just say, “I’m really looking forward to buttering your muffins sometime in the future.” That means a lot when you are 9 months pregnant and gigantic.

Adding this in case folks are still reading/responding. Husband always initiates. We have a 7 mos old and I am beyond drained to initiate anything. ALSO, I am still in the phase of it hurting. I had a C-section, so its not that, but apparently the menopausal dryness (HELLO SEXY TIMES). Anyway, does this get better? Practice make perfect? I could get past the tired thing, but doing and having it uncomfortable is just not fun.

I’m sad to hear so much blame placed on breastfeeding. A lower libido after birth and while nursing is generally considered to be a natural protective measure for your own health, to help prevent a new pregnancy before your body is healed and replenished. Consider that the World Health Organization recommends a two year gap between pregnancies (based on scientific research and anthropological norms), and assume that there is no access to contraception (globally or historically, however you choose to see it) , and how else do you think that gap is achieved?
In addition, the vast majority of people around the world share beds and sleeping space with their families, and there’s certainly no global shortage of new babies, so it’s kind of obvious that there are ways around that. There are plenty of cultures, however, which believe sex during pregnancy and/or breastfeeding are taboo, so obviously a “dry spell” in those cultures could easily be years at a time. Kind of takes the pressure off, in my point of view.

Sex can be great, and many people consider it essential to a healthy, loving relationship….. but many others do not.

Usually my husband initiate (90/10), I’m 40, full time worker, and 2 toddlers (5 and 2). so when I go to bed, is really because I want sleep!, some times I reject my husband because I’m really tired, some times he get frustrated, and I felt bad, after 8 years of married and 2 kids, he wants sex with me (and me too) ;-)
So in the beginning of this year, I told him: ” when you want to have sex with me, tell me early, during the afternoon,”, so we tried to put kids on bed early, and I skip watching TV or house work, so I have energy to have sex… I really enjoy the sex with my husband, I just need keep energy to have it.
Another times even feel tired, I access to sex, and I really get turn on, so usually we have sex 2-3 times per week

My husband and I have been married for one year, together for six, and I initiate sex 100% of the time. This set-up works perfectly for us for two reasons:
1. I’m a massive control freak and enjoy planning sex. When I’m in bed with my moisturizer on and my kindle fully-charged, the last thing I want to do is have sex. (I know, this is terrible.) BUT, I’ve found that I enjoy having sex in the afternoons and early evenings, before I’ve showered, gone through my nightly routine, and lathered on all the serums, haha.

The other reason this method words is because:
2. My husband always says yes. Always.

So, I get to decide when I want to have sex and I don’t have to worry about him turning me down.

While this may seem incredibly regimented, the beauty of planned sex means that we are often more spontaneous about the act itself: maybe we move into the living room or we incorporate a vibrator. (<- I swear this forever changed our marriage and it was actually his idea.)

I love the anticipation of dropping a subtle bomb in the morning:
"We should have sex this afternoon," I'll say while we're getting ready to leave the house. His eyes always light up and I know it will be a good day for both of us. :)

My husband and I have been married 6 years and I think it evens out. There ate times when he seems to be the one who initiates and then times when I seem to be the more insatiable one. It seems fairly balanced overall.

You know, when I first started dating my husband I came out of a bad relationship and I never wanted sex with that person. I turned him down 99.99% of the time. When I was with my now husband, I realized how wonderful and special he was and I thought I’d just experiment with never turning him down unless I genuinely wasn’t feeling well. The hardest part is getting going but it always ends well when you have a loving partner who cares about your pleasure and I always feel better afterward. It helps that he doesn’t ask for it daily. But so far we have both just adopted the you-want-it-you-got-it method and it keeps up happy and feeling wanted and prioritized.

mid-30’s, married 11 years, no kids (by choice).
Sometimes, I feel that I initiate all the time and get rejected; but then the logical side of the brain tells me that I’m overreacting/exaggerating and even if I do get ‘rejected’ once in awhile, he has a right to decline. Although, when he initiates, I almost NEVER say no.
But I guess it’s possible that I’m just more sexual than him, and I am still being satisfied (never have I looked or fantasized elsewhere).

As some others said, I feel like I always thought that men wanted it ‘all the time’. But with experience, it becomes obvious that it’s not the case – they can be tired, grumpy, stressed too.

Re: dry spells, I noticed something kinda funny recently. We’re not usually apart, and when he went on a 4-day fishing trip recently – our sex when he got back was explosive. But it wasn’t just because we didn’t have sex for 4 days (because we’ve gone 2 weeks without before), but because we COULDN’T have sex (or even have cell service for those 4 days). I wonder if that has something to do with it – when it’s ALWAYS available, it maybe loses some value??

My husband usually initiates. I have a philosophy about it. I really love chicken pot pie, but if I eat it everyday I will probably get tired of it. So, I like to space things out – for me, once or twice a week works well (usually weekends because I’m less stressed on weekends). That gives me time to crave it and usually makes it better when it happens because of that. Just like chicken pot pie tastes especially good when I haven’t had it for a while. My husband doesn’t necessarily have the same theory but he respects my theory and recognizes that it does have some merit.

-Denise
http://www.realtyhousewife.com/

Hi! My husband will usually initiate in bed by asking me if “I wanna do it” in his low/trying to be sexy voice. Of late it has not been doing it for me. Ha, ha. I felt bad because I am of course happy to have a husband who after 9 years still wants to do it with me. so now after the kids have gone to bed and he goes to wash up I wait for him naked on the sofa.

xoxo,
making it work