Four Fun Things

Exactly Kelly !

I am so sorry you have been the victim of such horrible comments. I hear what you are saying and agree 100%. In my experience, it has been women who are cruel to other women! I have certainly suffered cruel comments (about being too skinny) and these have always been from women.

That is so rude of these people, Bobby. I think there is nuance in commenting on someone’s weight, sheerly because of appearance is so unnecessary. I think excessive weight gain can be tied to unhealthiness and on the other side it’s not helpful to ignore that. But imo, just as I wouldn’t lecture a smoker on smoking if I barely see them or know them, I wouldn’t comment on a person’s weight if I barely see them or know them.

Hmm my experience is with family members or older people (female and male) telling me I’ve gotten fat and it was clear that there top #1 worry was appearance (I guess you’d call it old school). Sometimes I would get back to back comments with one person saying I got fatter, one person saying I was too skinny, and it made me realize that it was more about the person’s lack of ability to think before speaking rather than objectively about my body. I also didn’t trust these comments because they would sweep much bigger emotional issues under the rug, so clearly their priorities were out of order. But alternatively I am thankful when my trusted loved ones honestly asked me hey, you look fatter, anything different in your life?

This is so sad but unsurprising. I hope your cancer treatment is going well.

Great idea about discussing this a bit more… I guess it’s clear that these women have not bought in to body positivity. Perhaps they played lip service to it but they are not body positive. I assume it takes a lot of reading and self reflection to leave behind pervasive norms about female beauty and value. It seems as though the women who said this to you haven’t even started this work. Almost everyone upholds patriarchy and suffers for it, men and women both. It’s the air we breathe. Unless we’re actively challenging it, we’re permitting it to continue as the norm. These women are at the extreme end of upholding it, but many people (including me although I’m trying to change) allow it through tacit buy in.

If I may add, I was very taken with Katie Sturino’s point about leaving behind a focus on the attractiveness of women’s bodies at all (body neutrality). I think many of us (me) get caught at body positivity which expands the range of bodies that are considered are beautiful. But do we need to be beautiful? Some people’s physical selves may simply not be beautiful to others. Who cares? It has nothing to do with their value. Are we aiming for a world where all people walk around feeling physically beautiful and are considered physically beautiful by others? Or are we aiming for a world where we think a lot less about physical appearance at all? Or maybe we want a world where we only focus on the aspects of physical appearance linked to choice (like style) rather than genes (like the symmetry of someone’s face, their weight)? I don’t have answers… I also think this is hard to discuss because “beauty” means so many different things (physically attractive, physically appealing and pleasant to look at, to have a good character, to be a positive presence, etc.).

Just chiming in to say that I’ve absolutely had many men say negative things about my body, in addition to women. I don’t know that it’s dishonesty- a lot of women still don’t ‘agree’ with the body positivity movement. I think the main thing is that society needs to catch up to the fact that thin does not automatically mean good/healthy/better. Once we can all agree on that, women will probably stop feeling as though it’s their job to get other women to be thin too.

Yes! Such an important conversation! Also, I’ve been surprised at how deeply affected I am by other women’s comments about their own bodies. The women in my spouse’s family are all very disparaging about their own weight gain or overly praise weight loss as a moral triumph. It makes me dread being around them!

I know you meant well but the specificity of this comment kind of made me feel bad about myself all day (the part where you specifically said that you were bullied for being 5’6 and 132 pounds … a completely average weight… about what I am at my most lean). I feel like it’s important to not put bad mojo out in the world in connection to certain weights and sizes, even if you were just quoting your bullies. It can be really triggering.

Minnie, I’m sorry Bobby’s comment made you feel bad. However, I disagree that we shouldn’t talk about it. What’s so disgusting about her being bullied is that she’s not fat or big in the slightest. Her weight/size at 5’6″ and 132 lbs is perfectly normal. That’s probably what, a medium in clothing? Or I’m guessing some brands a small? I think it was important for her to mention it because it shows how awful people are and how many are still wrapped up in the model-thin, size 0/2 body image. That’s really bad and harmful, especially to young girls.

We need to normalize real numbers.

I have actually been told by two men that they absolutely love me, but they only like extremely thin girls so they could not date me. At the time it was crushing, but I have the best husband in the world so it all evens out!

@Emily Johnson: I see what you mean. But I think Katie just meant the fact that the original commenter was not even overweight shows how ridiculous body shaming is, and that it is not based on the victim but rather the attacker. It’s the attacker’s negativity that is being exposed, not the victim’s “flaws”. There aren’t really any flaws except the cruel behaviour. I don’t think Katie was saying it is okay to shame overweight people, at all.