How Are You Feeling?

After this weekend, week, year, lifetime (?), I returned to this post for solace. To be in company of sensitive souls who refuse to become numb to the loss of life; who do not want to live like this, die like this. I wrote this poem to process another harrowing month of police shootings, school shooting, mass shootings. May we never stop singing.

THIS IS A POEM ABOUT GUN VIOLENCE
When another life is ruptured
by a bullet, breaks like a mirror
that holds our reflection,
calm voices report on the news
from every direction in the alley,
the store, the parlor, the lot,
when mourning women howl like
Daunte’s aunt, “Did y’all not see
our beautiful baby?!” I want to press
pause. I want it to stop.
//
When I go to the spring woods of life to pray,
where a symphony of robins sing their return,
and cream blossoms spill onto the forest floor,
and spotted fawns fall into soft beds of the
shattered light. I realize we are not caused to pause,
but to show up. Again and again. Like spring.
No matter how many blizzards of sorrow.
No matter how many dark nights of history.
No matter how dormant and cruel our leaders.
//
Our role is to glorify the sanctity of life.
Our role is to trill and buzz with the choir.
To be so crisp and beautiful and unified with
our notes it is impossible to ignore. Like a
whole forest of spring mothers singing at once:
“Do y’all not see our beautiful babies?!”

We can fix this! It’s not hard. Why are we putting up with a minority rule of the majority of US citizens? It’s unconscionable that we allow our precious children and loved ones to live with this fear and violence. Vote like your life depends on it. Because it does.

I want to scream and cry; I’m so outraged and exhausted. I’m so tired of donating. Of course I’ll keep doing it but WHY is the burden on ME to donate a good portion of my modest salary to lobby for OBVIOUS things that our government should be doing? What is wrong with these politicians with their heads up their asses who can’t figure out how to re-allocate huge sums of money from the defense budget toward UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE, HOUSING, EDUCATION, ASSAULT WEAPONS BANS, CLIMATE CHANGE INITIATIVES, etc I could go on and on. It’s so infuriating. My $10/mo to Everytown, AAPI groups, RAICES, ACLU, SPLC, BabytoBaby, local food shelter, and local Mutual Aids is just not cutting it. And it makes me so sad.

Am I the only right-handed scroller that wishes the reply was on the left instead? I’m constantly accidently replying to most entries. Sorry lefties, but surely statistically there are more of me?

I’m feeling pretty pessimistic and I’m an eternal optimist. On Sunday, at a rally and 5K run to #StopAsianHate I couldn’t help but say to my friend as we ran, is this really doing anything? I’m glad to show solidarity but at the end of the day I can’t stop a shooter unless I agree to be a part of the problem: buy a gun. I’ve never wanted to, I still don’t and I hope I never will.

I used to live in Boulder and was a sophomore in high school at a school just a few miles away from Columbine High School when that shooting happened. This one is personal. And I feel such hopelessness.

Gun violence has been a part of my life for far too long and I am so enraged and heartbroken each time a new event occurs. I can’t help but think that every member of congress over the last two decades, Republicans in particular, and those that continue to support the second amendment over safety deserve the blame for this. Literally they have blood on their hands.

There is proven research that shows gun control laws work. Many countries have done it. This is no way to live. With my kids home from elementary and preschool during the pandemic I can’t help but look at them on zoom or watching too much Paw Patrol and think, at least they’re safe.

I don’t know…calling representatives, donating money, showing up at marches…does that work? After 20+ years of this? I can’t help but feel hopeless.

I also live near and work in Boulder. I work for CU and so my job this week has been taking care of my students. It’s hard. Everyone is sad and numb. My students were reaching out to each other during and after to make sure they were safe. I offered up my guest room for the night and told my student staff that I love them. It’s very strange to try to go about normal life when this just happened. I was numb yesterday. Today I’m sad and distracted. I wish I could be with my people but COVID is keeping us separated. Nothing about this is ok.

Charolette below made an excellent suggestion that I want to highlight. These kind of incidents are pretty extreme. Americans should be demanding that the (national) government treat the situation as a public emergency and really deal with it. Perhaps take drastic measures to change the laws? Considering the stats, they would be completely justified in treating the situation as a public safety emergency. It really is. How much worse do things have to get? How much worse can they get?

I support Moms Demand Action, which is a gun-sense organization. I also support Students Demand Action. Another is Everytown. These are groups founded by people who realized they had NOTHING to lose by fighting against the gun lobby. As Shannon Watts, the founder of MDA, says, “we’ll work on the well-regulated part” of the second amendment. (Checking the MDA website I see it formed in 2012….. and I’m sadder than I’ve ever been. They’ve done a lot, but they haven’t done enough to prevent mass shootings, yet.)

Glennon Doyle says pay attention to your heartache. It is telling you where to take action. She says it points to your passion. Do not shrink from your sadness and despair. Look it squarely in the face and say, “I am willing to hurt in order to change the world for the better because I hurt so much right now and nothing is changing.”

So, maybe it hurts to give your email to an activist list. Maybe it hurts to call your reps and tell them you’ll never vote for them or their party again if they don’t enact gun reform. Maybe it hurts to give up a quiet Saturday for two hours of volunteer work. But none of those hurt nearly as much as your current pain. We get what we tolerate. Demand action. We must demand action from ourselves, first. Who’s with me?

For many years of my life, I have dealt with moments like this by focusing on my volunteer work, everything from political organizing to direct service work to volunteering on a nonprofit board. But. In part because of the trauma of the last four years and also some heartbreak that arose from my volunteer work, things have changed. Volunteer work used to feel like a life line, but now it feels like a burden I can rarely force myself to pick up anymore. I would love a post from this site about the kinds of work people do, how to keep doing it when you’re heartsick, how this community stays motivated. (As for you, Jo, know that your posts are truly valued at times like these; empathy and community matter)

I don’t know if this is useful but it seems like all we can do – elect representatives who will change the gun laws. Research who you’re voting for, actively make a change in how we’re represented and how our concerns are fought for on the community, town, and state level. When I see statements from the NRA about protecting citizens rights to own assault rifles, my rage boils over. There are a lot of government employees with the power to enact change who have blood on their hands this week.

I hate that these events have become so regular to me that I’m not even horrified anymore until it’s something that hits close to home. And how horrible is that? I should open the news and be STUNNED but it’s become just another event. The Tree of Life Synagogue shooting occurred a mile from my childhood home, where my parents still live, and where I had many friends who, they or their families, had attended at some point in their lives. Whenever I go back to Pittsburgh I drive past the fence that still blocks off the area and see the signs and messages hanging on the fence and feel both despair and ashamed of myself for not feeling so deeply for ALL of the shooting that occur.

I’m ashamed to admit that I’ve basically wrapped myself in a little cocoon and haven’t come out since Trump got COVID last year (as a reminder, that was around October so peak election stress). I’ve stopped watching the news, I stay away from podcasts that are remotely sad/political, and I’ve even been spending less time on social media. It makes me feel disconnected, like I’m not keeping up with all that’s going on in the world, but I honestly can’t take in anymore. I’m sure I’ll come around at some point (not sure when exactly), but for now, this is my way of protecting myself and staying sane so I can take care of myself and my family. It’s not necessarily the “right” approach, but if anyone else feels like they’re choking right now, try the cocoon method. It helps.

I don’t feel great this week. I felt very empowered hearing and seeing the AAPI support following the shooting in my city— I even braved it and went to the rally double masked with my sisters!— but I’m so disheartened. Along with more gun violence, I don’t see change or even discourse for change keeping momentum in Atlanta. The main newspaper of the city and even the main news channel doesn’t seem to cover this aftermath at all. It’s a little disheartening having grown up in GA and taking space as a Filipino American and not really feeling seen but conforming to make things easier. It feels like we’re conforming and folding this matter up again.

After moving to Ireland where guns are virtually non-existent (most police don’t even carry one), I’m honestly wondering if I’ll ever move back to the states. I didn’t realize how much constant stress I was carrying related to the potential for gun violence in schools, movie theatres, churches, shopping malls, and now grocery stores. It truly feels like a gift not to have that particular stressor on my radar right now.

Johanna, this blog is YOUR MAGIC WAND that makes not everything, but many things much better. Thank you to be there and to write, day in, day out.

My best friend died yesterday, no covid, no shooting, just died in her bed, out of the blue. I never felt so empty and sad.

Oftentimes it’s not What you say but just creating the space to connect. Sometimes asking others how they’re feeling is really the most powerful and helpful thing to say. Thank you for that. I’m numb. That is the scariest of all. You just don’t know when or where it’ll happen next but why does it need to. We need to do better as far as mental health in this country. We need to focus on instilling empathy and kindness in our children even at a very young age- who cares if they can do algebra or heck even write perfect letters – kindness, community, empathy. This is what our schools need to focus on. And as far as adults…well, we need more therapists, more programs to help those with mental health challenges (such an insanely growing number). After a year of isolation, what is that going to do to people who had already been dealing with anxiety, paranoia, depression, and more…what will it lead people to do, without proper support? It’s just all so heavy right now. How are YOU doing?

Beautifully written, Joanna. I love how you have the words to say what everyone is feeling, validate the weight of it, focus on the experience of others In a way that is so not jaded- and then put a hopeful thought out there. And always focusing on what you have to be grateful for- something we all need to do to keep ourselves grounded. Thank you!

Thank you for the thoughtful post. Xo

That is my local grocery store. The one I go to for dinner ingredients when I’m having friends over, the one my dad goes to nearly every day, the one my boyfriend will run into on a day of errands to refill our water bottles. I am ashamed to admit that all of the past horrific shootings have felt so distant to me I was able to numb them out. This one feels way too close to home. Way too disturbing. I am overwhelmed and in shock and distracted and honestly just tired of being scared. Thank you for asking, this all feels too big to handle on our own.

As an Australian the gun culture in America is an anathema and I see the grip it has on your community. Please never give up the fight.