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What would you add? By the wonderful Grace Farris.
P.S. What we’re watching on TikTok and a list of things to NOT do if you have preteens.
Fun Tween Things
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My 9yo daughter puts her Taylor Swift records on her own record player while she plays with her Barbies. Her makeup collection sits right next to her Barbie Dream House. Tween juxtaposition in a nutshell.
When my teen son introduces me to new music by handing me one of his AirPods so I can listen to the song with him. And when my tween daughter comes in the dressing room and acts a my personal stylist, confirming what looks good on me and what’s a pass.
I am living all of these, laughing so hard. The previous commenter’s ‘fuck you, tuck me in’ is so, so, true. I love their maturing humour, but how it still runs young sometimes. Like they watch Modern Family with me but Bluey with their wee cousin. So much fun having a laugh with them.
It is a wild beautiful ride and I am loving it
I teach Middle School history and in the 8th grade we are learning about US expansionism in the late 1800s. One of the reasons the US got interested in this were all the European nations claiming colonies and one of my 8th graders announced “the US had fomo.” We all laughed.
Ha, just today my tween right me how to paste in a document and match formatting (command/shift/V, if you didn’t know, or maybe everyone knows this but me). He’s also way better than I at using interesting features when creating slide decks!
I’ve got two tweens and there are some real glimmers in life with them right now. Making their own lunches, dragging their laundry hampers down the stairs and loading the washing machine, stating that they know they are asking for a lot or tried to make something easier for me, jumping in to help with their little sister without being asked, and yes to musicals, shows and general conversation topics being way more fun together! Still working on chores, throwing away empty food boxes, turning off any type of screen, fighting over the door open or closed ETC it really is a special time!
My 15yr old towers over me at 6ft tall… he says “my little mom” I love the age so much ❤️ I’d even say it’s the best yet.
This almost made me cry
My 9 year old reaches my shoulder (and I am not a short woman!) I’m sure by 15 he’ll also be passing me and I’m weirdly excited.
I am 5’0” and I married a 6’2” viking, which means my 9 year old daughter is 2 inches away from being my height. She is ALREADY BORROWING MY CLOTHES!!!! “Mom, nice fit, can I wear it to so and so’s birthday party?” I’m appalled.
my 7 year olds feet are a lot closer to my shoe size than my shoe size is to my husband’s. (I don’t have tiny feet – I am 5’8″, but also married to a viking). It is horrifying.
I am looking forward to the glorious year where he will have the COOLEST sneakers and then i will get to keep them all. :) Unfortunately, it is likely to come before he is a style-aware teen…. sigh.
Hah, my family almost matches yours! I’m 5ft 1 and married to a 6ft 3 viking with a startlingly tall 8 year old daughter who is starting to borrow my clothes… (they also have their own secret ‘viking language’ together as we’re raising her biligually in the UK and my Norwegian is wildly limited)
The constant checking to see if they are taller than you yet. My favorite.
I am not sure who I picked it up from, but somewhere in my journey a professor or instructor in cognitive development passed on the very wise observation that adolescence should be thought of as sort of an infancy of the adult brain. Thinking like this has served me so well as a middle school teacher and tween mom. It’s just their brains learning how to adult, and they need the same patience as an infant.
I’m leaning towards being childfree, but every time I read one of these posts about tweens and teens my heart yearns. CoJ fam- what do you think about that? I’m scared about so much in the world right now (currently evacuated and worried in LA), and thinking of babies and toddlers is instantly exhausting. I remember a post here about how every parent has a favorite/best stage of parenting…was anyone in a similar position when they decided to become a parent?
I am a middle school teacher and child-free. I have never regretted my decision not to have kids. I work with them every day and come home to a quiet space. It’s a very personal decision.
Thinking of you and all those who are displaced.
Hi Laura, I feel similar. Leaning towards child free but any time I read a conversations with Toby and Anton my heartstrings are pulled (esp the text convos now that they are older…!!)
I don’t know where we will land but I have accepted that no matter what we decide there will be a grief towards the ‘other life’
Best to you!
Before becoming a mother, i was leaning towards not having children. In the end my husband and i decided to have children. While it has been fulfilling, parenthood has come at a huge cost, more personally than financially. The joy and sorrow are almost in equal measure. I do not regret having my children, I love them dearly but I am aware that raising a family is just a different way of life and is no more or less fulfilling than a way of life that does not include biological offspring.
Oh! I have a wonderful suggestion for you — the Auntie Bulletin, a newsletter by Lisa Sibbett, which explores living a “childful life” as a childfree person. Her latest newsletter is all about the best way to decide whether you want kids: in short, spend lots of time with families. (It’s much more nuanced, interesting, and expansive than I can summarize; I found it really interesting).
As a new first time parent who spent years trying to decide, I’ll only say that there is probably no secret right path for you — either choice can be the right one without either being the wrong one, if that makes sense. I have found parenthood to bring unprecedented joy as well as unprecedented pain. I don’t think there’s a balance sheet that can rightly account for all of it.
I assumed I’d have a couple kids all my life. Then 34 hit (with post-COVID malaise, clinical depression…) and suddenly I was overcome with the devastating thought that I didn’t want them after all. Two years on anti-depressants and a niece I adore later, I now feel content and excited about my decision to have *one* child after all. So I know this is just my journey, but checking in on your overall emotional state is one important step, I think.
One and done was the right decision for us – the baby and early toddler years were ROUGH but ever since my now 4 year old could communicate (2ish) we’ve been golden. He’s chaos at times but also so much fun to hang out with. And having just one was key for us – our lives have changed somewhat, of course, but I still feel like me and have time and space for myself. (An equal and active coparent is necessary for this, obviously.)
Hi Laura, I don’t have kids but somehow still find life in my 40s utterly exhausting (throws hands up in a shrug)… so know that there is a tired future awaiting you either way. You can’t make a wrong choice!
Have you ever thought of being a foster parent? I know it’s a very complex issue and a hard job but just a thought.
Yes! I was on the fence for a long time, but eventually my husband and I decided to have one to start. Reading negative experiences on the internet and knowing how hard it was on my friends postpartum made me hesitant, but so far my experience has been very different and positive. It’s a major life change, but you will not necessarily lose yourself (I feel like me) and you will slowly start to get parts of your “old” life back. The biggest change is that I have very little downtime now, but I’m okay with it. Everything has a season!
Which decision would you rather regret? Would you rather wish you had never had a child, or wish you’d had a child? Another thing to remember is that kids are kids for just a small part of their lives. In a way, it’s a decision of whether or not to bring an adult, a middle-aged man or woman, and a senior into the world, since that’s what they’ll be for most of their life. Can you tell which side I’m on?
I have an almost 12-yo girl, but still struggling to define my favorite/easiest stage of parenting… They all have been very hard to me so far. I can’t help but ask myself a question every now and then would my life be more content and joyful if i were child-free…
Currently expecting my first and I’m excited and also a little panicked about the change. I agree with the others who’ve stated there isn’t one right path, and you will have joys and challenges with either choice. There are also wonderful ways to have children in your life without having your own! I’m so glad to have some friends and family who will likely remain child free and who I know will love my kids and be safe adults for them and give them a different perspective and show them another life path.
That’s such a tough and personal decision, Laura. I have always been enamored with my kid, but since getting divorced, and having much more solo time than before, I feel like I now have the bandwidth to be patient and present the way I had hoped to be. Having a kid is all-consuming even if you’re great about having time by yourself and with friends/ your partner- you still have the mental load that comes with raising a child. But, my god, are the highs high. I feel like I could explode I love her so much. Nothing makes me happier than watching her grow.
I had kids, but now that I have them I might have made a different decision – it is not so much them but me, and also society’s expectations for moms.
Not being a mom doesn’t mean being child free – there are plenty of ways to have the amount of child you want in your life. Fostering, tutoring, volunteering (be a scout leader! It is always moms who step up and sometimes I think it would be nice if weren’t us moms who are exhausted and stretched and eventually burn out!), mentoring, coaching – these are all ways to meaningfully involve kids in your life without taking on parenting.
When my 13 year old says I love you as he heads out the door for school and asks to hang out with me at bedtime – him listening to a podcast or audio book and me reading.
You’re so sigma
Chat, this made me laugh out loud.
skibidy toilet
ceridwen dropping in with the riz. this chat is cooking
I amazed a tween by knowing that duplicate was the ancient root word of “dupe”
Oh. My. Gyatt
Spit out my drink at these comments. My tween *can’t with me* not knowing this slang.
Ohio riz.
That’s so sus
(I almost died when I overheard kids in the hot tub after swim practice debating what sus means – one kid was adamant it was “sustainable”).
My two young daughters like to pile on top of me and call me “cute little mama” and every time they do, my heart explodes. I’ve never had a bigger confidence boost in my life.
Also, when your little one asks which paw patrol pup/super kitty/Gabby cat/etc. is your favorite, always be prepared with an answer with details. They will feel so seen! (Obviously Zuma because I want my own submarine. Bitsy because she moves so fast! And MerCat because I would like to live in a bubble bath please)
My kids are teens now, but all of these things I’ve been appreciating for a while
– Watching (more) sophisticated shows and movies with them.
– Having muuuuuch easier evenings. They put themselves to bed and stay there!
– Getting lots of thank yous and them noticing needs/ doing random acts of kindness.
I have a 1 and 3 year old. Life is good but I can’t wait until I have more then 2 hours of alone time before bed.
I’m sitting on the couch with my tween right now, watching Buffy. She loves making fun of the 90s styles, and rolls her eyes every time I say “hey! I had that outfit!”) but I love that she wants to watch it with me and talk about it, even if some of the conversations we have to have about it are about how things haven’t aged well . . . but that’s a different post
Good luck on that! I’m often saying goodnight to my teenagers on my way to bed. They stay up as late if not later than me, there is no evening time! Maybe when they were 7-12 or so there was.
We are solidly in the tween stage and I keep coming back to a comment I read here many months ago about this being the ‘fuck you, tuck me in’ stage. My partner and I repeat it all the time and sigh or laugh.
This is Fantastic! I am currently a camp leader away at a camp with 10,000 11-14 year Olds and this perfectly sums up the attitude of camp 😂.
Haha! Helpful comment! Hang in there!
OMG, this is 1000% accurate to my life right now. Ha!
Yes, this all the time! My husband travels during the week, and so I find myself doing most of the heavy lifting in terms of enforcing the rules, having “the talks” etc. Even on our worst days my 12 yo will still ask me to tuck him in and rub his back.
Omg SAME!! (In that phase; recalling and laughing about that phrase.)
Oh my gosh, so true!!! And very validating. My tween is exactly this dichotomy.
I think of this comment every dang day!
Uma I don’t know who said that first, but man is it right!!! Spot ON!
When they become an expert in a niche that you know nothing about and can share interesting tidbits. My oldest son developed an interest in 60s music and could tell you all sorts of interesting trivia about the Beach Boys.
When they unironically learn all the words for a cheesy song you remember from your youth, and you text your friend with tweens to say “Guess which song the kids learned?” and she gets it right on the first guess because her tweens are also singing that one song all over the place.
(The song is “I Want It That Way.” Thanks, Backstreet Boys! Hahaha!)
My son is about to be 10 and is singing this all day long, too. Bonus: he loves the cold open from Brooklyn 99 that has come up on the blog a few times, because of the song!!
Omgggg hahaha. My middle schooler had a concert recently and their class decided to sing…TLC’s No Scrubs…!!
My friend’s fifth grader was in the audience and turned to look at the parents and was shocked that somehow we all knew the words to the song too. lololol
One of the most surreal moments of my adult life was being on a bus as a field trip chaperone while the entire busload of 11 year old kids sang every word of that song together.
Ahhh! My two older kids are in their tween stage, and they had a rock band performance. One of the bands had chosen “I Want It That Way”. The lead vocalist was nervous and barely audible. Adults to the rescue! Almost every single guardian got to their feet to sing along. Best karaoke session ever!
The slang one kills me. When I taught fifth grade and we were covering European exploration, I was talking about Magellan bringing a lot of attention to east Asia, even though he wasn’t the first trader, and one guy yelled out, “So, like, he made China go viral in Europe.” Precisely.
Love this!
ha, love this example! (and yes, such a charming characteristic of the age)
I’d add a generalised sentence starter of: “Bruh…” which is most often genuinely hilarious. There have been quite a few times in recent years when students will approach me for help and say, “Bruh, I’m totally stuck. How do you do this?!” So long as it’s all in good humor and appropriate for school, I think it’s fun to build rapport by embracing the language kids use in their daily lives. Plus, it’s admittedly really fun to walk over to a table group of kids who are off-task (nothing wrong with chatting, of course, but you still have to learn!) and go, “Bruh, are you still talking about xyz?” They’ll roll their eyes and cringe at me, but then laughingly get back to work. Teens/tweens are so eccentrically wonderful.
When my five year old sweetheart calls me Bruh I’m always like, “Awsome, Bruh!” right back. It makes his face light up to hear me using ‘his’ word that I sometimes call him Bruh first 😂
But most of the time I’m still Mama which makes my heart sing
My 11 year old has started calling me “Bruh Mom”… “Bruh Mom, what’s for dinner?”, “Bruh Mom, this homework is skibidi”… It’s never not funny :)
One day, I forgot I promised my kids I would do school pickup that day (instead my husband picked them up and on time).. as I was apologizing to them for forgetting, my 5 year old deadpanned at me, “fired bruh, you are fired” and I totally lost it.
My 7yo has started calling all of us Broski, so now we call him that too (and each other)
Very apropos as my ‘baby’ turned 10 today! To celebrate, we gave her a mini bedroom makeover—goodbye rainbows and unicorns, hello a next-level sign that says, ‘Slay all day!’
Mini bedroom makeover! You are a genius, my daughter turns 10 in March and this would be perfect for her, thank you!
Bursts of enthusiasm at random times, answering questions honestly, taking your subtle hint of flavorful smelling deodorant, shampoo, and body wash without comment.
Speaking of which- does anyone have a good deodorant recommendation for an 11 year old boy? Thanks!
We like JB SKRUB in my house!
Pre-tween thing: When your child asks to listen to an artist that you love. It’s the emotional equivalent of them being able to fit into your clothes.
Aww, I love this too. ♥️
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