Dinner Etiquette

Ok. This falls under the category of pet peeves, but here goes. Someone I know cuts all of his food up instead of one piece at a time. While efficient, it seems childish to me. Further, said person also pushes the food around endlessly before selecting whatever the piece to be scooped up and eaten and at the end, making sure every morsel and juicy residue has been consumed. Fine, in the privacy of home, but noisy and distracting and frankly, gross in my opinion. What say you all?

As a career server, I just want to note that the elbows off the table rule is about the person serving you. While you are enjoying the food and the company, do whatever you want with your elbows. But when someone is attempting to serve your food to you or remove a dirty plate, it’s best to remove those elbows just for an instant so that the server can quickly do their job without being a distraction or causing a mess.

Hi everyone,
It’s nice to observe manners at the table and usua!ly it’s OK if yours aren’t perfect. But to me, the top violation is blowing your nose at the table. I see this a lot and can’t believe it….

I am completely fascinated with the reaction to this article; I’m taken aback at how I can’t stop thinking about the comments, specifically the critiques. First off, I am so appreciative of the different perspectives on this seemingly light-hearted topic. Joy, thank you so much for your comment about growing up in foster care. It was a sobering, but important, idea to reflect on.

My personal takeaway is that this is a perfect example of how privilege works. For those who are privileged (racial, economic, class, etc.) things like proper table manners are a given. Yes, there might be some refinement here and there and we can discuss exactly how the silverware should be ordered and precisely which side the bread should go on, but at the end of the day it’s not such a big deal, right?

If you aren’t part of that privileged group, those rules serve to further entrench your feeling of otherness, of inferiority. You aren’t part of our group and we’re going to remind you of that fact in a thousand small ways. It’s even more infuriating because most of the time we don’t even realize we’re doing it.

Quite of few readers have described their anxiety or discomfort at particular social situations where they haven’t fit in, for a variety of reasons. Having such prescriptive (usually unspoken) rules and manners only amplify that shame. Those who have questioned the heavy tone of such responses simply don’t get it. What to you seems trivial, to others is weighty. A disagreement over the appropriateness of elbows on or off the table is symbolic of something much deeper.

Cup of Jo team, I’m sure you didn’t expect that directions these comments have taken. I, for one, am very grateful to have had the opportunity to consider these heavy thoughts. Although I do agree with Janey, the salt and pepper “marriage” is adorable!

Even if it is completely heteronormative (sorry, couldn’t resist!).

The trick we were taught for bread plate/left vs. drinks/right is to touch your pointer finger to your thumb in each hand, holding the other fingers straight. Your left hand makes a “b” (bread) and your right hand makes a “d” (drink)! Easy peasy!

Love this and will remember these as I try to be more mindful while eating and slooooow down.

Dining out pet peeves-why are waitstaff so eager to take your plate away so quickly and sometimes without asking if you’re finished?!!!
And when waitperson asks, “how are your first bites?” When did this become a thing. Ugh!

I agree with you, Meghan! I did not grow up in a multi-cultural family, but was raised in a small town far from anywhere “fancy” enough to abide by these rules, am currently married to someone from a different cultural background and have lived all over the country and world. I cannot keep it straight. It’s nice to to know…sort of, but I kind of think it’s pretentious and just a way to distinguish between social classes. If a boss is seriously rejecting me based on whether or not I know which bread is mine they aren’t going to like me for many other reasons too. I think it’s fine to think about and try to get “right”, but also ok to ask in the moment.

The one I can’t get over people not knowing is that drinks go on the right. To me that is beyond basic and yet I have seen people pick up my water glass or cup of coffee. How do you not know that? Every table is set that way in every restaurant. Every time I’ve seen a table set on TV or at a friends house it is on the right. How do people not get this?

I was taught to remember the location of bread and glassware by touching my thumb to my index finger on each hand – the left hand makes a B (bread), and your right hand makes a D (drink).

I’ve eaten at some fancy sit down dinners and no one ever knows which bread plate is there’s. So what?! Eat how you like to eat and don’t fing worry about it! Just Enjoy your food!

Salt and pepper are married! Adorable! Cutest drawings :)

Chinese American here, and yes to everything when we eat Western foods! But here’s one more – in Chinese (and many other Asian cultures, I think), you never leave chopsticks crossed or stuck in your food. Both are symbolic of death. When I see really stylized shoots of Asian cuisines with chopsticks sticking out of a bowl of rice, I go all wiggy inside! In my family, we always rest chopsticks neatly parallel across our bowl or plate.

Love this! Feels like table etiquette is disappearing these days. My Mom always made sure we had not just good table manners but that we knew good table etiquette, although the interception one is one for me to work on! :)

Love these tips, especially the fingertip trick. I’ve never heard that one before. I also was taught that, when passing the salt and pepper together of course, they should be set on the table rather than passed directly into someone else’s hands. Not sure what the history or reason is, but its what my grandmother taught me.

I am using these tips to teach a group of teenagers the basics, in a couple of weeks. Thank you!

How have I not read your blog before? I’m having so much fun reading it tonight! I love etiquette and although I don’t follow all the rules, I like to know them. I always say I’m going to write a list of etiquette rules for attending an art fair.

When you first this up, I skimmed through it and thought to myself: well this is nice, i might need this one day. Two days later I found myself at a fancy dinner thinking, thank god I read that article!

I used to work in a restaurant where salt and pepper wasn’t put on tables, as the chef’s believe their food is seasoned perfectly as it is!

It is fascinating to me, that some people don’t know some of these… tho’ I believe in Scandinavia they cross their knives & forks when finished. I never clear a table until knives and forks aren’t put together. It is such a perfect, and simple guide… love it :D

Ah! I love this post!!!!!

I may copy you… becuase etiquette is HUGE in my day to day experiences.
LOVE your blog!!!

I love Gemma’s illustrations in this post! :)

Congrats on being featured on thekitchn.com!!!! Just saw it on their website :) love BOTH your website and thekitchn SO much!!

For those who wonder about the arbitrariness of etiquette (or that someone will be scandalized if you don’t follow the “rules” exactly all the time):
My grandmother was friendly with the Posts. One time she and my grandfather were having dinner at their house, and after dinner my grandfather took his shoes off. My grandmother was mortified!! But, Emily just said, oh let him do it–he is trying to get comfortable. My grandmother said it then led to a really interesting conversation about manners and how they really are there to make other comfortable, to send signals to the waitstaff, to actually keep things clean etc.
Always thought it was an interesting story–and you can bet I was raised with good manners ;)

I also have a strange love for etiquette and these are great tips… my mom always said to eat like I was visiting the Queen. :-)

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