Motherhood

Pop Quiz: Parenting in 10 Words or Less

Toby and Anton

Early this morning, my friend Gemma texted a couple friends of ours. “I am thinking of writing a poem about life with small boys,” she wrote. “It is titled, There Are Trucks in My Toilet.”

I laughed and wrote mine back: “Just Going to Close My Eyes for One Quick Sec, But I’m Still Playing.”

My friend, who was getting ready this morning with her husband and baby, wrote: “Mine would be, Everyone Here Wants to Touch My Boobs. Subtitle: For different reasons, but kind of all the same reason.”

Toby and Anton

The whole exchange made me laugh out loud.

What would yours be? What would be the title of your life poem right now?

P.S. The crazy things you do as a parent, and my motherhood mantra.

(Photos of Toby and Anton.)

  1. Jenny Ronan says...

    ‘Don’t steal your brother’s boob’ (said my me, regularly to my tandem nursing twins),

    ‘Things I never thought I’d hear myself saying’,

    and

    ‘How to be at your most productive with just 4 hours of broken sleep for two years’

    Wouldn’t change it for the world though (apart form the sleep, oh boy am I sleep deprived!)

  2. Kara says...

    Here I am weeks late (not mine but it actually could be ha!) because I’m STILL thinking about this post:

    Becoming all of the women I’ve previously judged

    Possible subtitles:
    I’m sorry for what I thought about you before having kids
    OR
    I’m sorry, Mom

  3. Charlene says...

    Only the person whose poop it is gets to flush the potty.

  4. Paige says...

    “I’m not mad at you I’m mad at the situation” or “look with your eyes not with your hands” or “I love you, too. – we’re still not getting ice cream”

    2.5 is fun ?

  5. Sejal Patel says...

    Our relationship starting with me counting your poops and you sucking my boobs dry.

  6. Sejal Patel says...

    “Our relationship started with me counting your poops and you sucking my boobs dry…”

  7. B says...

    I just need two seconds where someone is not touching me.

    Up, up, up, hold me, carry me, up, up, up.

    Three children ages 5, 4 and 2.

  8. Jess says...

    I just want a piece of quiet.

  9. Teaching a 17 Year Old to Drive: A Horror/Love Story Set in New Jersey

    I felt like a driver’s license was an important rite of passage; my son was tentative and scared. Together, we got through it. Now he drives off and I feel like shouting at the world, “that is my heart behind the wheel….slow.the.fuck.down.” Instead, I say “drive safe,” and I act as if I am not terrified.

  10. chris says...

    I don’t want to tell a story about poop.

    Please don’t throw your potty down the stairs.

  11. There is someone else’s booger on my boob.

    How to decide and prioritize all the things you could be/want to be doing during nap time.

    Get your butt off of your brother.

    • Jenny Ronan says...

      Oh Christina! I laughed out loud at your first one, actually as a mom of twin boys I can relate to all of them, although I mostly end up sleeping while they sleep, 14 months in and still not sleeping long at night, the joys!

  12. Emily Gran says...

    I keep stepping on that sandwich!

  13. Nique says...

    I’m everyone’s comfort keeper. They all need me to sleep, but they collectively ruin my sleep.

  14. It’s been a minute 5 minutes ago!

    and…

    I’m wearing my heart on my sleeve.

  15. “Two Boobs and a Baby”

  16. Sea says...

    1. Please be soft with your brother: A quest to help my newborn survive his brother’s toddler years.

    2. Inside voices, please. (Please stop screeching or I might die)

  17. Hanna Merkley says...

    “No, no, no!” Didn’t you hear me? I said “Yes”!

  18. Bekah says...

    “Mom, I have a goopy bottom!!” Said somewhat frequently as of late by my 4 yr old who has unfortunately discovered the woes of “the shart”

  19. Chui says...

    ‘Be careful!’

  20. Flipping a baby to his back at 2am

  21. Bethany says...

    A few titles from the past 24 hours:

    “There’s poop in the tub!” quickly followed by “Don’t eat that!”

    “How to stealthily remove a bandaid on a 4 year old and secretly enjoy it”

    “Items other than tissues that can be used to clean a snotty nose”

    Mom of two girls, 4 1/2 and 1 years

  22. Lauren says...

    We were on time until someone pooped.

    • Em says...

      Hahahaha :)

    • KKZ says...

      I said this exact thing yesterday!

  23. Natasha Kushevska says...

    Smiles,
    Happy face’s
    Happy worm day’s,
    birds ckirp,
    Sun,
    Happiness
    Thank you God,
    I love you mom,
    You’re very beautiful mom,
    I’m happy child, I laugh all day

  24. Rebecca says...

    Boys – don’t drink the bath water!

    Please finish your fries (or pizza or other unhealthy food item I can’t believe I’m telling my toddlers to finish)!

  25. Esti says...

    “All The Colds We Shared”

    • Sammy says...

      hahaha!

  26. Treat them the way you’d want their partner to.

  27. Polly says...

    I don’t know

    I’m not sure

    Not right now

    In a minute

    Just give me a second

    Yes

    No

  28. Everyone Wants My Boobs

  29. “Get off that, I don’t want to go to the ER”

  30. “Get Off that, I don’t want to take youth the ER” LOL

  31. Giu says...

    New mum time loop- you never know what time or day it is, and it doesn’t matter, really.

    New baby time loop- I eat, poop, laugh and cry, night and day, 7days a week, 365 days a year.

    Time is such a relative concept.

  32. Adela says...

    Mine would be: GamGam five more minutes please….(iPad time, swimming time, reading time, everything time). I hope she remembers that when she is older and comes to visit me in my 90s when I say “Ava five more minutes please…”

  33. Shirt decoding: chocolate or poop, vanilla ice cream or spit up

    The only time in your life you willingly put your nose to somone’s butt to see how it smells.

  34. Leia says...

    “There are always crumbs in my bra”

  35. Rhonda says...

    To my three year old: Please put your penis back in your pants!!

  36. Shannon says...

    All of the elbows and knees are aimed at me.

  37. Michelle says...

    Everything is mine: A two-year-old’s perspective

    Don’t climb on the table, and other misadventures

    Dora the Explorer: When you need 20 minutes to get things done

  38. Nicole says...

    Im not your friends parent and I dont care what they get to do. I know your sister started it but please just ignore her. If your board read a book not annoy your brother. You will miss your brother when your older. Starve for all I care dinner cant be chips it needs to be a meal.

  39. Amanda says...

    No One Sleeps In This House (and other stories)

  40. Emma says...

    “You Can Choose Either Pants or Underwear, but You Must Wear Something on Your Bottom.”

    “No, You May Not Kiss My Boobies.”

  41. Emily says...

    Mine would be, “I don’t care who started it.”

  42. Jess says...

    Motherhood: A poem of everything I think I Can Remember, Maybe.

    • Katha says...

      This is it! Hahaha!

  43. Katie says...

    I’m a brand new mama and my guy is getting ready to turn 10 weeks old, so here are my titles:
    1. All the paranoid questions you can ask Google about your baby within an hour
    2. Please don’t ask me if I’m getting any sleep
    3. Amy’s Organics frozen meals and Lara Bars: grocery shopping made easy

    • This might be my favorite.

    • Kate says...

      Oh yes! All of this!

    • HAHAHHA! This is my favorite. My son is 7 months-old and I swear on No 1 and 2, my no 3 would be

      3. I’d like to thank God and internet for online shopping.

    • Hita says...

      3 weeks here. Cosign!

    • raissomat says...

      Ooof tell me about it. Does she sleep at the night? No. I’ve slept very badly for the last 6months. There, I started saying it out straight. why does a person that has never seen me before have to know how much sleep we’re getting. What about all the insomniacs of the world? Why not ask about food intake too, then? Bread, butter, cheese, oatmeal, ricemilk, banana, almonds, repeat. I used to eat and drink green, but the nutribullet and quisinart noises make her scream like nothing else, so I’m left eating the ingredients.

  44. Greta says...

    I feel like in a sci-fi movie – I talk and talk and they act as if I never said a word. Uncanny…

  45. Fabi says...

    Breathe and reboot (repeat as needed)

  46. Emily says...

    “You’ve been really good company,” said my seventeen year old.

    • Joanna Goddard says...

      omg! tears!!

  47. Meghan says...

    Haven’t wanted since I was 12, won’t change my mind.

  48. “mom, look, i can pee in my own face!”
    also:
    “can my tiny hands grab this and mush it in my face? no? I will try anyway”

    mom to a 4 month old boy…

  49. Joslyn says...

    Those who came before me: how google auto fill made me feel like less of an inept first parent

    For my daughters baby book I printed off all my google searches in her first year and it’s funny.

    “When will my baby stop crying?” “Can a baby cry forever?” “Is it normal for a baby to be cross eyed?”

    • Lucy says...

      Best idea ever! I don’t have children yet but I am so going to try remember this!

    • Madie says...

      This is hilarious

  50. Cassie says...

    Parenting: How Not to Drink a Hot Cup of Coffee

    • B says...

      Never. Never, ever, ever.

  51. Alex says...

    How about “Parenthood: your everyday unvoluntary personal growth” ?

    • Alex says...

      Ooops! “involuntary” – sorry

    • Charlotte Gibbs says...

      Tell me about it! I have a Buddhist-style (lotus, etc.) T-shirt that says
      “MOTHERHOOD: The shortest and steepest path to enlightenment”

  52. Libba E says...

    Easy peasy. Mine would be called ‘Have you done a poo? Come here so I can smell your bottom…’

    • Nina says...

      haahahahahahah

  53. Andrew says...

    All my stuff is broken – Never mentioned fact about parenting.

  54. Mica says...

    Will I Ever Pee With the Bathroom Door Closed Again?

  55. Erin says...

    My poem is a quote from dinner at my house tonight: “‘I hate potty talk,’ says the 4-year-old. ‘No, actually, I love it!'”

  56. Sara says...

    Mine would be “I can’t stand to be apart but I long to be alone: the parenting paradox”. Seriously, how can you feel polar opposite emotions in the same moment? That’s parenting!!!

    • Sara says...

      To clarify, I only want to be alone for like 20 minutes. 15. One cup of coffee. Even just two minutes to MAKE the coffee. That all I want!

    • B says...

      yes.

    • Brittany says...

      Yes! This resonates so much with me.

    • Joanna Goddard says...

      yes!!!!!!! alex will sometimes take the boys out on an adventure on saturday or sunday, and for the first hour, i’m so zen and happy, and after that i’m like OMG COME HOME IMMEDIATELY!!!!!!!!!!

  57. Annie says...

    We don’t dip toothbrushes in the toilet.

  58. Liv says...

    Who has gas? And someone open a window.

  59. Alina says...

    Ha I joke that the name of my autobiography will be “Everybody’s Crying.” Followed up by the award-winning “Everything is Out of Batteries.” They aren’t very creative but I think there is a large audience who will understand.

    • B says...

      I hear you, sister. On both counts,

  60. Bethaney says...

    Do you they smoke weed? Will they be drinking? Whose having sex? How are you feeling about those things right now? How will you say no if you need to? Remember our code word? Ok. I love you. Have fun. Be careful……

    • Madie says...

      You sound like a really good mom. :) Also, I am not ready for this stage yet!!

  61. Sara says...

    I used to chew my food while eating: my first year of motherhood.

    • Jenny Ronan says...

      Oh my God, this! I used to take so long to eat my food my husband’s parents consciously slowed down so I didn’t end up eating alone at the table (they’re really sweet). Now I hoover everything down in 5 seconds flat and am adept at wrangling a toddler while wolfing my food at lightning speed.

  62. Rose says...

    I Have to Have a Baby Soon-Ish, Maybe

    • B says...

      This was me for like 10 years.

    • Leia says...

      Same!!!

  63. Caitlin says...

    Some days are wonderful…some days there are spit up peas in your underwear.