Early this morning, my friend Gemma texted a couple friends of ours. “I am thinking of writing a poem about life with small boys,” she wrote. “It is titled, There Are Trucks in My Toilet.”
I laughed and wrote mine back: “Just Going to Close My Eyes for One Quick Sec, But I’m Still Playing.”
My friend, who was getting ready this morning with her husband and baby, wrote: “Mine would be, Everyone Here Wants to Touch My Boobs. Subtitle: For different reasons, but kind of all the same reason.”
The whole exchange made me laugh out loud.
What would yours be? What would be the title of your life poem right now?
P.S. The crazy things you do as a parent, and my motherhood mantra.
(Photos of Toby and Anton.)
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‘Don’t steal your brother’s boob’ (said my me, regularly to my tandem nursing twins),
‘Things I never thought I’d hear myself saying’,
and
‘How to be at your most productive with just 4 hours of broken sleep for two years’
Wouldn’t change it for the world though (apart form the sleep, oh boy am I sleep deprived!)
Here I am weeks late (not mine but it actually could be ha!) because I’m STILL thinking about this post:
Becoming all of the women I’ve previously judged
Possible subtitles:
I’m sorry for what I thought about you before having kids
OR
I’m sorry, Mom
Only the person whose poop it is gets to flush the potty.
“I’m not mad at you I’m mad at the situation” or “look with your eyes not with your hands” or “I love you, too. – we’re still not getting ice cream”
2.5 is fun ?
Our relationship starting with me counting your poops and you sucking my boobs dry.
“Our relationship started with me counting your poops and you sucking my boobs dry…”
I just need two seconds where someone is not touching me.
Up, up, up, hold me, carry me, up, up, up.
Three children ages 5, 4 and 2.
I just want a piece of quiet.
Teaching a 17 Year Old to Drive: A Horror/Love Story Set in New Jersey
I felt like a driver’s license was an important rite of passage; my son was tentative and scared. Together, we got through it. Now he drives off and I feel like shouting at the world, “that is my heart behind the wheel….slow.the.fuck.down.” Instead, I say “drive safe,” and I act as if I am not terrified.
I don’t want to tell a story about poop.
Please don’t throw your potty down the stairs.
There is someone else’s booger on my boob.
How to decide and prioritize all the things you could be/want to be doing during nap time.
Get your butt off of your brother.
Oh Christina! I laughed out loud at your first one, actually as a mom of twin boys I can relate to all of them, although I mostly end up sleeping while they sleep, 14 months in and still not sleeping long at night, the joys!
I keep stepping on that sandwich!
I’m everyone’s comfort keeper. They all need me to sleep, but they collectively ruin my sleep.
It’s been a minute 5 minutes ago!
and…
I’m wearing my heart on my sleeve.
“Two Boobs and a Baby”
1. Please be soft with your brother: A quest to help my newborn survive his brother’s toddler years.
2. Inside voices, please. (Please stop screeching or I might die)
“No, no, no!” Didn’t you hear me? I said “Yes”!
“Mom, I have a goopy bottom!!” Said somewhat frequently as of late by my 4 yr old who has unfortunately discovered the woes of “the shart”
‘Be careful!’
Flipping a baby to his back at 2am
A few titles from the past 24 hours:
“There’s poop in the tub!” quickly followed by “Don’t eat that!”
“How to stealthily remove a bandaid on a 4 year old and secretly enjoy it”
“Items other than tissues that can be used to clean a snotty nose”
Mom of two girls, 4 1/2 and 1 years
We were on time until someone pooped.
Hahahaha :)
I said this exact thing yesterday!
Smiles,
Happy face’s
Happy worm day’s,
birds ckirp,
Sun,
Happiness
Thank you God,
I love you mom,
You’re very beautiful mom,
I’m happy child, I laugh all day
Boys – don’t drink the bath water!
Please finish your fries (or pizza or other unhealthy food item I can’t believe I’m telling my toddlers to finish)!
“All The Colds We Shared”
hahaha!
Treat them the way you’d want their partner to.
I don’t know
I’m not sure
Not right now
In a minute
Just give me a second
Yes
No
Everyone Wants My Boobs
“Get off that, I don’t want to go to the ER”
“Get Off that, I don’t want to take youth the ER” LOL
New mum time loop- you never know what time or day it is, and it doesn’t matter, really.
New baby time loop- I eat, poop, laugh and cry, night and day, 7days a week, 365 days a year.
Time is such a relative concept.
Mine would be: GamGam five more minutes please….(iPad time, swimming time, reading time, everything time). I hope she remembers that when she is older and comes to visit me in my 90s when I say “Ava five more minutes please…”
Shirt decoding: chocolate or poop, vanilla ice cream or spit up
The only time in your life you willingly put your nose to somone’s butt to see how it smells.
“There are always crumbs in my bra”
To my three year old: Please put your penis back in your pants!!
All of the elbows and knees are aimed at me.
This is hilarious.
Everything is mine: A two-year-old’s perspective
Don’t climb on the table, and other misadventures
Dora the Explorer: When you need 20 minutes to get things done
Im not your friends parent and I dont care what they get to do. I know your sister started it but please just ignore her. If your board read a book not annoy your brother. You will miss your brother when your older. Starve for all I care dinner cant be chips it needs to be a meal.
No One Sleeps In This House (and other stories)
“You Can Choose Either Pants or Underwear, but You Must Wear Something on Your Bottom.”
“No, You May Not Kiss My Boobies.”
Mine would be, “I don’t care who started it.”
Motherhood: A poem of everything I think I Can Remember, Maybe.
This is it! Hahaha!
I’m a brand new mama and my guy is getting ready to turn 10 weeks old, so here are my titles:
1. All the paranoid questions you can ask Google about your baby within an hour
2. Please don’t ask me if I’m getting any sleep
3. Amy’s Organics frozen meals and Lara Bars: grocery shopping made easy
This might be my favorite.
Oh yes! All of this!
HAHAHHA! This is my favorite. My son is 7 months-old and I swear on No 1 and 2, my no 3 would be
3. I’d like to thank God and internet for online shopping.
3 weeks here. Cosign!
Ooof tell me about it. Does she sleep at the night? No. I’ve slept very badly for the last 6months. There, I started saying it out straight. why does a person that has never seen me before have to know how much sleep we’re getting. What about all the insomniacs of the world? Why not ask about food intake too, then? Bread, butter, cheese, oatmeal, ricemilk, banana, almonds, repeat. I used to eat and drink green, but the nutribullet and quisinart noises make her scream like nothing else, so I’m left eating the ingredients.
I feel like in a sci-fi movie – I talk and talk and they act as if I never said a word. Uncanny…
Breathe and reboot (repeat as needed)
“You’ve been really good company,” said my seventeen year old.
omg! tears!!
Haven’t wanted since I was 12, won’t change my mind.
“mom, look, i can pee in my own face!”
also:
“can my tiny hands grab this and mush it in my face? no? I will try anyway”
mom to a 4 month old boy…
Those who came before me: how google auto fill made me feel like less of an inept first parent
For my daughters baby book I printed off all my google searches in her first year and it’s funny.
“When will my baby stop crying?” “Can a baby cry forever?” “Is it normal for a baby to be cross eyed?”
Best idea ever! I don’t have children yet but I am so going to try remember this!
This is hilarious
Parenting: How Not to Drink a Hot Cup of Coffee
Never. Never, ever, ever.
How about “Parenthood: your everyday unvoluntary personal growth” ?
Ooops! “involuntary” – sorry
Tell me about it! I have a Buddhist-style (lotus, etc.) T-shirt that says
“MOTHERHOOD: The shortest and steepest path to enlightenment”
Easy peasy. Mine would be called ‘Have you done a poo? Come here so I can smell your bottom…’
haahahahahahah
All my stuff is broken – Never mentioned fact about parenting.
Will I Ever Pee With the Bathroom Door Closed Again?
My poem is a quote from dinner at my house tonight: “‘I hate potty talk,’ says the 4-year-old. ‘No, actually, I love it!'”
Mine would be “I can’t stand to be apart but I long to be alone: the parenting paradox”. Seriously, how can you feel polar opposite emotions in the same moment? That’s parenting!!!
To clarify, I only want to be alone for like 20 minutes. 15. One cup of coffee. Even just two minutes to MAKE the coffee. That all I want!
yes.
Yes! This resonates so much with me.
yes!!!!!!! alex will sometimes take the boys out on an adventure on saturday or sunday, and for the first hour, i’m so zen and happy, and after that i’m like OMG COME HOME IMMEDIATELY!!!!!!!!!!
We don’t dip toothbrushes in the toilet.
Who has gas? And someone open a window.
Ha I joke that the name of my autobiography will be “Everybody’s Crying.” Followed up by the award-winning “Everything is Out of Batteries.” They aren’t very creative but I think there is a large audience who will understand.
I hear you, sister. On both counts,
Do you they smoke weed? Will they be drinking? Whose having sex? How are you feeling about those things right now? How will you say no if you need to? Remember our code word? Ok. I love you. Have fun. Be careful……
You sound like a really good mom. :) Also, I am not ready for this stage yet!!
I used to chew my food while eating: my first year of motherhood.
Oh my God, this! I used to take so long to eat my food my husband’s parents consciously slowed down so I didn’t end up eating alone at the table (they’re really sweet). Now I hoover everything down in 5 seconds flat and am adept at wrangling a toddler while wolfing my food at lightning speed.
I Have to Have a Baby Soon-Ish, Maybe
This was me for like 10 years.
Same!!!
Some days are wonderful…some days there are spit up peas in your underwear.