The Crazy Things You Do as a Parent

The new book This is Ridiculous This is Amazing features one dad’s 71 hilarious lists about parenthood—from “Things We’ve Googled” to “Safe Places to Eat Cookies” to “Games You Can Play While Lying Down.” When I read through it, I kept bursting out laughing, and I even took it home that night to read to Alex. Here’s one example…

Oh, but the New and Wonderful New Things You’ll Get to Do
By Jason Good, father of two

There are, indeed, countless things you will no longer be able to do after having children, like grooming, learning, stretching and snorkeling. But don’t fret. Here are just a few of the amazing new things you’ll get to do instead.

1. Butter a piece of toast while peeing
2. Brush someone’s teeth against his will
3. Blow on food while it’s in someone else’s mouth
4. Help someone else blow on food while it’s in someone else’s mouth
5. Eat food that has fallen out of someone else’s mouth
6. Eat food you found on the floor
7. Eat food you found on the mantle
8. Eat candy you found in a shoe
9. Put someone in a Bob the Builder costume while fighting off diarrhea
10. Visit a psychiatrist
11. Wipe somebody’s nose with your bare hand
12. Eat baby food
13. Blame a fart on a child
14. Get someone dressed while you’re in the shower
15. Cut up a grape
16. Almost agree to cut up a raisin
17. Pretend to enjoy the flavor of a prune
18. Ask someone why their hair smells like yogurt
19. Ask someone why their hair smells like your antiperspirant
20. Put someone else’s toenail clippings in your pocket
21. Let someone watch you pee as they stare blankly while eating a Popsicle

Numbers 5 and 11 made me laugh out loud. And I would add “wake up with a foot in your face” and “agree to let someone try to pull out your eyelashes in order to keep them quiet on a plane” (which actually happened last night).

P.S. Another brilliant book about parenting, and a lovely book to read during pregnancy.

(Top photo from the show Up All Night. Excerpted from This is Ridiculous This is Amazing, with permission of Chronicle Books)

  1. Marini says...

    This list is great! Had me laughing way too loudly at work.

  2. Molly says...

    When I get back to the US I am buying this book. This list had me in stitches.

  3. It took me a long time to read this because I was laughing so hard. Now that I have wiped away the tears and have stopped shaking with laughter I can type this. Best list of all time. I’m buying this book tomorrow.

  4. Laughed out loud…done most of these (or my husband has) funny to hear the things you say as a parent too. This past week the one that stands out is “What is she eating? Is that a hamburger? Spit out the hamburger, where did you find that?”

  5. lol.. with a house filled of boys buggers, farts and burps.. the 5 sec rule has extended to more of a 60 sec rule..

  6. Oh my gosh! This was so funny and just what I needed to read this evening as I’m listening to an argument between my husband and son about keeping small bath toys out of his mouth.

  7. “9. Put someone in a Bob the Builder costume while fighting off diarrhea”

    In that scenario WHO HAS THE DIARRHEA?!
    Gently reminder why I’m never having children. This was a truly funny but sobering post.


  8. I’ve got one, which sadly happened a few weeks ago: Catch someone’s puke in your cupped hands rather than let it fall onto the rug. Ahh, parenthood. Good times. ;)

  9. This is too funny! I immediately went to Amazon to buy this for my husband for his first Father’s Day. I love people who find the humor in parenting and don’t take it (or themselves) too seriously!

  10. Absolutely hilarious! And so true! This list made my day!

  11. Amazing! Crying with laughter! And have just eaten a piece of avocado from the floor which my baby dropped from lunch partly chewed! What is wrong with us?!

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  13. I die, too funny. Number 5 for the win! A childless friend of mine shuttered when I ate a cracker my baby gave me that he’d been gnawing on, haha.

    Here’s one we do a lot with friends with kids: “Talk about someone else’s poop with your friends”

  14. Those sound craaaaaazy!!

    I have only done 2 and 15. Some of these are so gross!

  15. Those sound craaaaaazy!!

    I have only done 2 and 15. Some of these are so gross!

  16. Very funny! I actually keep a list on my iPhone of ‘things I never thought I would say before becoming a parent’, most of which are too embarrassing to share ;)

  17. Very funny! I actually keep a list on my iPhone of ‘things I never thought I would say before becoming a parent’, most of which are too embarrassing to share ;)

  18. Love it! Thanks so much for introducing me to this!

  19. This author lives in my neighborhood in S Minneapolis. So fun to see you support him on Cup of Jo! I agree that #16 did it for me too!

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  21. This cracked me up so hard! I keep thinking about No. 16 (“Almost agree to cut up a raisin”) and then I start laughing again. It made me think of that guy who sells artwork on Etsy based on things he’s said to his kid (like, “Stop riding that penguin, we’re leaving”), which always crack me up too. Parenting is a weird gig for sure!

  22. I’m not too proud to say I’ve done several of these on several occasions but I laughed the hardest at “Cutting a Grape!”

  23. Hilarious! I would add: go to bathroom in a public restroom while wearing infant in the Ergo. Yikes!

    Laugh out loud funney and true :)
    Thank you, JOANNA for sharing. xo

  25. I grew up with all girls. My first two kids are boys though; I never thought I’d shout for joy after finding a worm or new bug. Or memorize dozens of construction vehicles and dinosaur names.

  26. Lol!

  27. These are very funny. The thing is, kids get older. Now that will bring with it a new list of funny things you will do, but you can groom and snorkel again. With me middle school boys, we do all sorts of things together. AND, they can babysit themselves so you get to go out and do things without them and not pay for the sitter. So in many ways it is much easier than when they are little. But in so many ways it is sooooo much harder.

  28. Been there, done that!!!LOL!!!

  29. have you seen the clip of maya Rudolph and Chris Parnell’s lullaby from her variety show? if not..look it up! its great.

  30. I think I’ve found my husband’s Father’s Day gift :)

  31. Also, “sniff someone else’s butt for evidence of #2.”

  32. I laughed at #’s 15/16 since we are at that stage of ‘cut up everything into really tiny pieces.’ Just yesterday I cut up my daughter’s blueberries!!

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  35. Jason Good is so, so funny. I am headed to a birthday party and now I’m going to have to redo my makeup, I’ve been laughing so hard. Tears and all.

  36. Okay. Laughed so hard I cried. Sadly, I forgot these things were weird (until now).

    Your life hasn’t reached a low until you can tell how long a cheerio has been left out by tasting it.

  37. what else can we do but laugh about it right? I might get it for my husband for father’s day ;)
    thanks for sharing!

  38. I would add (all of which have happened to me in the last week):
    *clean poop out of the bathtub
    *get thrown-up on
    *watch little person play with his own poop (gag)
    *have someone cough or sneeze in your face / mouth

  39. I have done at least 8 of these! Brilliant list.

  40. Hahahaha.

  41. Oh wow, so true! This made me laugh to tears too!

  42. LOL this is awesome. I’m totally getting this for my husband for father’s day.

  43. Hilarious! This made me actually miss some of those things. I just did #17, though…

  44. I just laughed so hard that I choked on my lunch. These are so true.

  45. That’s hilarious! After checking out some of the excerpts, I had to order it for my brother.

  46. So true! Nearly in tears and feeling positively invigorated from that belly laugh. :) :) :)

  47. hahahaah. #1 hilarious. all so funny. definitely getting this book

  48. hahahahha this is brilliant! I’ve just realized how many skills I have gain with all this parenthood thing!

  49. Love these! Another useful plane game is feed Mommy her own necklace. Over, and over again.

  50. I am crying!! That is so so funny! I’m getting this book! There are so many circumstances where I need to laugh at some of the ridiculous things I do for my kids. Thank you for this!

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  52. Wow, number 1 is pretty gross. Number 11 happens a lot though.

  53. Hilarious! We’ve been doing numbers 2 and 11 a lot lately!

  54. me too. to tears. made my daughter laugh just watching me.

  55. RG says...

    For me it was 3 and 20 (20, as I imagined myself doing it someday). I actually picked my 10 month old son’s nose yesterday, so. We can add that to the list.

  56. Laughed to tears. TEARS.