An Ode to Breasts

An Ode to Breasts

For our breast series, we’ve talked about lopsided breasts and nourishing an adopted child. But what about simply celebrating them? We spoke to five people — two women and three men — who love breasts and the women who have them. Here are their sweet, funny and surprising thoughts…

On the logistics of boobs

Taking a bra off is impossible. They’re not intuitive. Women are using to unlatching bracelets and necklaces, but men are not used to anything like that. It’s too much, especially under duress. I’m better than I used to be, but it’s still a frightening two seconds. — Doug

One thing that’s really awkward at first when you both have boobs is if you’re trying to make out standing up and your boobs are hitting each other’s. We basically had to move this one out of the way to make space for that one. — Lola

On the magic of boobs

I have never really been a “boob man.” But when my wife had our first kid and I saw breastfeeding up close, I really fell in love with boobs. How could you not? They are beautiful, they MAKE FOOD for a human and deliver it to them. Those are amazing devices, total overachievers. Sometimes I think men don’t even deserve to have nipples because we’re not even playing in the same ballpark. — Oscar

Women are so soft. I could tell that even just kissing a woman for the first time. I thought, ‘Whoa, this is a game changer.’ Even when you’re just laying your head on a woman’s chest, it’s amazing. Oh my gosh. Women’s chests were built to be the most comforting place for a human ever. My wonderful partner now is a man. When I’m lying on his bony, hairy ribcage I’m like, “Ooooh, you’re so sweet…” But it’s not the same. — Allison

On experiencing a woman’s boobs for the first time

The first time, I was a sophomore in high school. The whole thing was such a mess. It’s like an infant with a new toy; they don’t know how it works or if they’re supposed to move it around or use both hands or what. You dream about that moment for so long, you’re so amazed and psyched to just have them in front of you. And then at hour later, you look back and think, Oh, my God, that was so sloppy. — Doug

The first night I was ever with a woman, my big focus was making sure I didn’t embarrass myself. She had been pursuing me for a couple months, and I didn’t want to disappoint her. So, I went to the kitchen and got an ice cube, and I outlined her body with the ice in my mouth. I was like, “Let’s do this!” I was surprised by how much I liked touching someone else’s boobs. They were so perfect and perky, and from two minutes into it, I was focused on the boobs, like, “Let’s examine these things.” — Lola

It was the halo of new crush and everything was so interesting about her. I was terrified that first time because her body was so familiar yet so unfamiliar. I remember marveling at everything. She wasn’t wearing an underwire bra and that was crazy and mindblowing to me. I was like, Oh, my God. You know when you like someone and you think everything they do is amazing? I was like, No underwire, yes! That is so cool. — Allison

On keeping it cool

Jerry Seinfeld says, “Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don’t stare at it, it’s too risky.” When a woman is wearing a top with a lot of cleavage, it’s impossible not to glance down. It’s like if you were walking around the city and there were talking animals, like a talking zebra on the street, and you weren’t supposed to look at it. Of course you’d have to look at it. Throughout the day, you have these visions you’re drawn to, but it’s this push/pull because you need to be respectful and professional and keep it cool. — Doug

On which kind of boobs you’re attracted to

The most exciting thing when you look at a beautiful woman is what you can’t see. For me that has always been the boobs, never more sexy than covered up under a sweater. — Oscar

I have the biggest, most pendulous boobs on the planet. (Whenever Sarah Silverman talks about her “heavy, Jewish boobs” I’m like, She’s talking about my boobs!) So, I think boobs that don’t look like mine are the hottest: small, perky, cute ones that don’t need a bra. In relationships, I’ve thought about how if I had the boobs the women I’m dating has, I’d wear tube tops and strapless dresses. They could do it in a heartbeat! Ironically, though, my small-boobed girlfriends always wore plaid button-downs and rock-and-roll T-shirts. — Allison

My big realization over the years is that I like all breasts. I don’t discriminate. I like big, pillowy breasts, I like small ballerina boobs, I like all shapes. Whatever breasts will have me, I’m happy to be there. — Steve

P.S. Breastfeeding in public, and did you have sex on your wedding night?

(Photo of Lydia Kirwood by Ali Mitton.)