How to Teach Kids to Apologize

I absolutely love this idea. My mom taught me this way when I got a little older, but I think starting at toddler age is perfect. Owning responsibility for yourself and your actions, and becoming comfortable with the uncomfortableness and vulnerability of confronting those things with others is such an important lesson. I was thinking recently about how I want to always include my children with cards and letters (like that thank you note example) after noticing how my husbands cousins always do that with their 3 children, have them sign personal notes in the card or make cards themselves that include thoughtful sentiments, they are 8, 12 and 14 and they say the sweetest things, always my favorite cards. Whether its to apologize, give thanks or just wish someone a happy birthday its a wonderful way to teach children thoughtfulness!

I recently tried this! My 6 yo daughter had a particularly rough day, and I was so frustrated with her that I blurted out “You sit down at this table and write an apology!” To my surprise, she quietly sat down and did it. And oh, the cuteness of a 6 year old’s written apology. I couldn’t keep from smiling as I read it, and we all felt a lot better.

This is great, and reminds me of the “Think Sheets” I used as a 2nd grade teacher when a student made a poor choice. It helped them verbalize what the issue was, what they did, and what they should do next time instead. (Googling “think sheet” results in many templates for different age groups).

That’s a sweet idea :)

I’m a fan of teaching to apologize in steps: I’m sorry for <> because <>. In the future I will <>.

It’s important to think about why we’re apologizing, not just that we need to apologize – even for adults!

Sarah
Sweet Spontaneity

brillant

my parents NEVER apologized for anything, but it was required that the kids apologize. their belief was even if they’re wrong, they’re right and their model of do as you’re told rankled. there were times i would get spanked for refusing to apologize, i’d rather take a beating than kowtow.

to this day i have a really hard time apologizing graciously, i do it but it sits badly in my stomach and does not roll of my tongue easily.

That thank you note is the best thing I have seen in a while! So adorable.

I do the same thing with my 4 year-old. He dictated a letter of apology one day to his Pre-K teacher after he had a (rare!) naughty day at school and we gave it to her the next day.

This is so sweet, and such a wonderful idea! Thanks for sharing!

xx.
–Sarah
alovelyfeather.wordpress.com

When my son was a toddler (he’s 7.5 now), I also hated how rote the forced apology was. So what I would do is apologize for my son in front of him. “i’m so sorry that X did that to you. It wasn’t very nice. are you ok?” he would get the message and offer his own apology right away. And if he didn’t, he’d at least see me role-modeling the correct behavior. We’ve also made cards for friends after a spat. It’s all good!

I read this article recently, and it has changed how I think about apologizing, even for myself!

http://www.cuppacocoa.com/a-better-way-to-say-sorry/

Jo, this is awesome and adorable. I sometimes have my children say they are sorry and then ask what they can do to help the other person feel better. That way they are learning to show that they are sorry, too. Sorry. Is not just a word, but an action.

Thanks for the great posts on parenting and life <3

I like that this gives kids an opportunity to really understand why what they did was wrong and how what they did hurt someone else.

Those two guys kicked out of college for that racist chant? They didn’t write apologies nearly this complete.

natalie, that is so sweet. love that approach. aanna, that’s a lovely method, too—good on daniel tiger! :)

Great topic. I felt the same way about just throwing “sorry” out there. I just seems like lip service. So, I instituted for all my kids as well as myself a way to apologize that I think brings the offense full circle. I have my child apologize and include the offense in their apology, explain as best they can why they did the offense and then I have them ask the person to forgive them. “I’m sorry I called you a cheater during the game, I was frustrated that I was losing, will you forgive me?” it had certainly helped with humility and my kids seem to be less quick to offend. I think asking for forgiveness closes the circle. Obviously it all has to be sincere and I don’t force my kids to do it until they can come from a place of sincerity. Natalie

We taught our 2-year-old to begin by apologizing, then always following up “I’m sorry” with “How can I help?” (We totally borrowed this from Daniel Tiger :) It feels like a good way to both apologize and try to set things right in a real way. Most the time, the answer is just “Please don’t do that again,” but other times it’s more practical, like restoring a stolen toy, cleaning up a mess, or giving a hug. My husband and I have liked the results so much (it just feels right!) that we’ve adopted the habit between the two of us.

What a genius idea, I can imagine how happy his friends must be to get letters. Plus it’s so important to just write letters to one another!

http://www.vanessasrunway.com

Oh great…this is not over thinking at all–I love it! My husband and I did this exact thing with our little ones and it works. I even saved many of the letters they wrote to each other after their sibling spats. They are now 25 and 23 years old and often talk about those letters and re-read them when they come home to visit.

In our co-op preschool, after any incident (hitting, mean words, accidental collision), we were always encouraged to have our children check on the other child and think of ways we can help them feel better — a hug, a high five, a silly joke. Telling them to say they are sorry really isn’t helping them learn to actually “feel” sorry and understand that they hurt someone. The only problem I’ve had with this approach is that other parents who don’t go to this preschool don’t understand and are just waiting for your child to say sorry. :)

I’m not a fan of the insincere “SORRY!” either. With kids Toby’s age, I often ask them in the moment to look at their friend’s face and I ask them something like, “Look at how that made him/her feel when you …” and “What can you do to help him/her now?” It really depends on the situation! Sometimes everybody has to cool down first.

For my older kids, I aspire to something like they describe in this article:
A Better Way To Say Sorry We don’t often do this whole thing, we just talk through it, especially if they did something that really upset another person.

I’ve notice that sometimes adults are offended by a kid who does not say sorry right away, or they will try to force an apology out of a kid that is not their own. Just something to think about if you’re not teaching the habit version of saying sorry.

This is so smart! Toby’s notes are hilarious and sincere. I remember as a kid, when my sister and I fought, my mom would make us hug each other for a minute. A whole minute! We would always end up laughing by the end of it because it was so ridiculous. Pretty good idea with siblings since it forces you to remember that you love the person first and foremost.. and then apologies are a little easier to give and receive :)

Watching other parents force apologies that are clearly not meant drives me CRAZY. It’s even worse when saying sorry is the only consequence for doing something truly unacceptable.

So – I think this is a great option and I like the idea of the parent modeling the apologizing too.

The goal is to get them to think about other people’s feelings, right? And that’s not something that a child in a foul mood can do in the moment.

If you want your kids to consider other people’s feelings in the heat of the moment, it’s easiest to start with doing it in times of calm, though. You can point out when their actions and other people’s actions are caring or respectful (and you can also point out how it hurt people’s feelings when other kids yelled or tantrumed or threw things).

That’s a great way to get kids to think more about the apology and why they are apologizing.

With my oldest, he was always very shy and afraid to apologize. Right from the get go, he seemed to know he did something wrong and was so embarrassed and upset about it. So apologizing was a big deal for him, even when it was just between myself and my husband.

However, my youngest was the opposite. We barely had to teach him. He’s able to apologize on his own and recognize when it’s necessay. However, I do notice that he doesn’t always fully understand why he’s apologizing. He just realizes that he’s done something wrong, but needs extra guidance to understand why it was wrong, maybe I’ll give this a try.

I did this for a while too, when my daughter was two-three. She wasn’t really able to dictate a coherent letter at the time, but she would make a card and I would write ‘Sorry’ on it for her. I think I should resume the habit, now that she could dictate the apology herself!
A line from a Daniel Tiger song is ‘saying I’m sorry is the first step, then how can I help’ – that’s helped us too, so that she says sorry but then also tries to help the person feel better depending on what the situation is.

This is a very sweet idea. When my son was this age and we would go to a playground or have a play date and problems would arise, it often seemed to me that the forced apology had more to do with the parents discomfort (myself included!) rather than thinking about really teaching the kids something.
What I ended up doing, was in the moment going to the child who was hurting (physically or emotionally) and asking if they were alright and then would ask my son to join me in checking on his friend to see if they were alright and take some time in doing so, but no forced apology.
It’s all so developmentally appropriate and has nothing to do with a kid not being “sweet”. It is how kids learn, even though it’s painful as a parent to not see our kids acting their best.
I think the apology note is like I said, a very sweet idea and also might be making a bigger deal of the situation than needs to be made (especially for a four year old). Kids are so resilient and move on so quickly and ultimately, as kids get older the best and most effective teacher is another kid saying, “I’m not going to play with you if you do that”. Which is also painful, but these are all necessary experiences.
We have always done thank yous, just to get in the habit of showing gratitude. I think it’s so important and what a sweet note!

Hi Joanna,

I really like this idea. I’m just curious about how it works in the moment; if your child hits another at the park, when do you write the letter? Later that day? If you write the letter later, how do you deal with the issue in the moment? How do you handle apologizing if you don’t know the child who was wronged (someone at the park, for instance)? (These may seem like antagonizing questions; they’re not meant to be! I’m asking because I think it’s a lovely idea and would like to implement it, but am not sure how to make it work practically. You seem like a thoughtful person, so I’m sure you’ve come up with great solutions to the logistical hurdles of this consequence).

I can see the benefits of immediately writing the letter as the spat is cleared up fairly quickly and the wronged child – and their parent – are appeased (it would also give the child who misbehaved a chance to calm down as they’re switching from merely feeling to thinking).

I absolutely love thought-provoking parenting posts like these that make me quesiton my current operating procedure and why I do it that way (and if there is a better/kinder/more logical way). Thanks for providing so many of them!

Love this! Am sharing this link with my friends. It should be a great start to an important parenting discussion. Teaching virtues is an essential part of our parenting. This idea embraces so many virtues – sympathy, courtesy, thoughtfulness and love. Thanks Joanna.

I work with children who have intensive mental health needs and hurting others is a frequent occurrence (physically, emotionally, etc). We always hold the expectation that they “check in” when they hurt someone else. Sometimes they say sorry, or sometimes they ask “are you ok”. It is more genuine and it teaches the kids that you DO need to check in with someone when you hurt them, even if you are not feeling sorry. It’s definitely something I’ll use with my own kids some day!

Great idea Jo. I am totally impressed.

This is a great idea! Now, any advice on how to get adults to apologize? I think it may be a lost cause by then, but just curious.

We have also used the note/letter route for big mess-ups! My mom, a kindergarten teacher, gave me a great technique for teaching kids about apologies. Now in our house, adults and kids alike have to apologize the same way the students do in her classroom, and it works:

1) Look the person in the eye.
2) Say “I’m sorry”, describe what you did wrong, and acknowledge how it might have made the person feel.
3) Explain how you plan to correct that action.
4) The other person has the option to forgive now, or forgive later. (Understanding that sometimes, the hurt is too big to be immediately forgiven!)

It does make the kids think about the weight of their actions and words. It’s an empowering exercise for both parties, and makes the interaction meaningful.

Hi Joanna :)

Love the letter idea – definitely helps Toby think through his actions. I was recently a pre-school teacher at a Reggio-Emilia School. The learning there is based off of the assumption that a child is completely competent and it is an adult’s job to simply guide him in the right direction.

I’m a big believer that young kids don’t necessarily understand apologies, because when they’re really young (3 and under) they honestly don’t have the capacity to think of others yet. Everything is selfish – because that’s all they know. Modeling is best for these ages, in my opinion, and then taking action for the children involved. For example, if Max hits Maggie with a book, the conversation might sound like this: Adult: “Ouch, Max! That really hurt Maggie. You seem angry that Maggie is trying to take the book from you. Next time you can say ‘I’m using it’. Let’s go work on a puzzle and we can come back to the books when you’re ready to read them again.” With older kids, 3 and older, it’s amazing how much a conversation between the two kids can help. Obviously, the child that was hurt must be willing, too. The conversation sounds the same, only with more prompting and listening. “Maggie, how did that make you feel?” “Max, why did you want to hit Maggie with the book? “Next time let’s use our words instead.”

This is SO sweet and cute! What a great idea to teach children compassion for others and to own up to their mistakes! Good job you guys :)

I like the idea of writing a letter, although I think the second example you gave (sorry for hitting) makes more sense for the apology note. Hitting is unacceptable, but thinking a friend is not nice should be accepted by parents more, because it’s your child’s feelings. If I felt a person wasn’t nice, and someone made me apologize for vocalizing my feelings,I might feel there was something wrong with me, or I might not want to express my feelings about people again. Just a thought! Thanks again for all you do.

As a preschool teacher, we often encourage the children to ask their friend, “What can I do to make it better?” Sometimes this means an ice pack, rebuilding a block structure or just a hug. It helps to create a little more empathy than a mumbled “I’m sorry.”