A New Way to Get Engaged

I love this story and all the comments!
We discussed together. We had already booked the venue, sight unseen due to limited availability, and were planning the wedding. We had talked about marriage and what it means to us. My husband asked if he could still do an old fashioned proposal, which was ok with me since I already knew when we were getting married.
We went together and asked for my grandmother’s engagement ring (already offered). The two of us went to visit the venue (an old 1930’s CCC park within a state park), and after the tour, on a bridge he did asked me to marry him. It was very sweet, though I was terrified we would drop my grandmother’s ring into the water!
We wrote our own ceremony, I wore a light blue dress (fav color), no “giving” of bride, I kept my name, and we are incredibly happy. Don’t follow tradition just because it’s easy; do what’s right for you and your partner for life.

This is my dream proposal, I’m even going to get the boyfriend to read this article! I hate hate hate surprises so we’ve already talked about how I’ll tell him when I’m ready and he can plan a proposal, but this sounds much better, so much more organic as she said. Lovely!

Its funny… this is exactly how I pictured my husband an I getting engaged back when we were newly dating (and then not so newly dating in college). We met when we were babies (17 and 18) and ended up growing up together… my parents have been happily married for 40 years however, and his had a pretty traumatic divorce when he was young.

As a result the marriage discussion that was so natural for me was a long and challenging process for him. I brought up marriage for YEARS before he was ready to see himself as marrying- despite the fact that he has been the most loyal, devoted and monogamous partner for 12 years.

We ended up getting engaged on the 10th anniversary of our first kiss in a very over the top kind of way (a video of our lives projected on a private screen at the beach with music written by my husband and a stunning vintage ring)- all years after we had finished our BFAs and grad school, bought our first home and adopted our first dog.

Today we are happily married for the past year and a half but have spent almost half of our lives dedicated to each other and live every day as a true team.
It just shows that whatever works- WORKS and there should be no regrets or judgement as long as you have found your counterpart. I am grateful every day to have found mine- one who supports me in all I do and can tile a kitchen floor like nobody’s business…. cold feet or not! Cheers!

I like that she did it that way. It’s similar to mine too. We already have a toddler together, and it’s been 7 years. He hadn’t purchased me a ring yet, and I just asked him. “Hey are you going to ask me to marry you?”. He said he felt like he didn’t need to because to him we were already married. And this made sense to me. We’ve been living together for years, have a family, pay for everything together, file taxes together, we’re bestie and super in love. We ARE married. It seemed a little silly to me that he would have to ask for something we are already doing.

So when I was at Steven Alan, I just bought my own ring. I told him and showed him and he really liked it. Now now we’re going to the Philippines next year to have a small ceremony in Cebu, Philippines.

When I told my friends, they laughed and my mom thought that it was an embarrassing story to tell. But I like it. We’re unconventional and this made sense to us.

I love this. My boyfriend and I have had very organic and easy conversations about our future, including getting married. We will do it, but we’re not at that point to do it right now. We have a long distance relationship and so conversation and open discussion are what we’ve got most of the time. There may be some surprise involved when/if there is a ring (i’m anti-diamond which was definitely something he needed to know), but our decision to spend our lives together, and how quickly we’ll make each step is absolutely shared between us. I think I prefer there to not be a surprise. I love this story and how they did it. Congrats.

We JUST did almost exactly this–we’re engaged as of this Friday, two days ago! We’re doing the long distance thing for the year, and we decided together to get married a few weeks ago when we were spending time with family in San Diego. We looked at rings together for a week or two, and then this weekend when he came to visit we went backpacking up in the mountains near Durango, Colorado. He proposed when we go to our campsite in a beautiful grove of golden aspen trees with what he called the “adventure ring”–the one he designed isn’t ready yet, so he bought a different one because he couldn’t wait and because he knew that I would need a ring to wear when we’re out rafting, backpacking, and climbing. We couldn’t be more excited!!

This is sort of similar to how my husband and I broached the topic (except we were in Tahoe, not VT). Enjoying a wonderful and very private Thanksgiving weekend together, we ended up saying to one another “are you thinking what I’m thinking?”. We were both thinking that yes, we wanted to spend our lives together. Ultimately this led to a more “regular” proposal a few months later. Couldn’t be happier and just celebrated 5 years of thinking the same thing! ;)

My parents got engaged this way 34 years ago and have been happily married since. They were having dinner on the beach, after only a few months of dating, and my dad mentioned getting an apartment with one of his close friends. My mom replied with, something I thought only she could get away with. “Why would you do that? Don’t you want to get married?” Of course he did!

My mom wanted a couch instead of an engagement ring. My grandmother, and dad, wouldn’t hear of it. She has worn her mothers diamond everyday since.

I think marriage is such a beautiful decision, that should be made together.

We had been together for 6 years and had talked about marriage for some time, one day in the car, again the conversation of marriage pop up since my best friend was getting married, and i told him why not we get married, and i’d really love to have my-then 90+ year-old granpa to witness his granddaughter’s wedding, he said ok, and after few days we told our parents, friends etc and now we gave been happily married for 2 years with a cute little daughter, no engagement rings, no down on one knee, friends surrounding dramatic moment, just simple & honest conversation. And am glad that we got married within 1 year as my grandpa pass away few months later.

People always asked how’s the proposal like and i always have to answer “nope, no proposal but just conversation”. I love it this way and will never ever want to trade it

I do love this story! Sounds like how I hope things go down one day. But, I must say, sounds like she pretty much proposed to him. All those sea of emotions and nervous moments would still exist for me even if I was just “bringing it up.” I think the introduction of the topic alone, even with no proposal, can be nerve-racking! Glad it went well for Nora!! :)

A ‘new way to get engaged”? I don’t think it’s so new. Perhaps with the second wave of feminists in the 70s and forward, women felt more empowered to ask for what they wanted and needed from a relationship. My parents discussed things and my mom gave my dad an ultimatum because she wanted kids and was approaching the age when she needed to start trying. Dad was holding off on long-term commitment because his own mother had been married 3 times, one kid with each husband (and another kid through an affair). I would NEVER want a boyfriend to propose to me. We absolutely need to have an equal-footed conversation about these things, and fairly early on in the relationship so the guys doesn’t get any ideas on his own without knowing my position. Frankly, I don’t want to get married or have kids, so I date people and enjoy the present without thinking about “future forevers.” I know I am in the minority with my feelings, but it’s important for non-normative relationships/feelings/expectations to be voiced. Women need to know that there is not just one way of feeling and doing in terms of romantic relationships.

This is new?! I find it absolutely unbelievable that anyone would NOT discuss getting married and decide to get married together. The “surprise” engagement is downright silly, giving men all of the power in the relationship – power over a really major life decision which should be made jointly.

It is 2014 people.

This is more or less what we did! I’ve never been super traditional anyway, so it suited us. We were sitting on our couch, taking a break from painting the bathroom (blame it on the paint fumes!) and started to talk about big picture things. Before we knew it, we had mutually decided we were ready to get married. Rings, nice dinner, etc. were all afterthoughts to the (much more important) life decision, which is exactly how I wanted it to be. What’s “romantic” is just a matter of perspective. :)

I love this story, it is so sweet and romantic. Thanks for sharing and congratulations!

I love this. She spoke from the heart. When we can do this we get the best results. Even if he had disagreed with her, it would have been an authentic, real response and that is the most important thing. When we can do this we get the best results. We should all be so brave…

Elaborate planned proposals were never for me. The idea of my partner “popping the question” made me feel a little ill, and I was pretty clear about that with him.

Our engagement was also a process. He came back from a long trip overseas one fall and said marriage was all he could think about. I didn’t feel ready and asked to postpone the conversation. We talked about it a few more times and the next spring, while a little tipsy on my birthday, I brought him upstairs in the middle of the party and said that I was ready to really go for it. I never had a diamond or a big announcement and it felt just right.

I love, more than anything, that there is enough space in our society, little by little, for different kinds of couples to define their own rituals, traditions, and melding of the usual ways of doing things and the ways that just feel right. Thanks for a great, thought provoking post, Jo!

I am from Germany, and engagement went out of fashion about 40 years ago. People decide to get married, and then they do it. My husband is American, so he asked my parents …. seemed kind of weird to me, as if they had any say about who I would get married to at the tender age of 27. None of my European friends got engaged, and there are still a few who have lived together forever, but never got married. I am a low key kind of person, so the whole thing about engagement, ring etc. does not suit me. When my husband gave me an engagement ring that was rather unusual and not showy, and that was obviously chosen with my taste in mind, I knew he was serious about me. As modern as American culture pretends to be in some ways, as oldfashioned and stayed it is in others (i.e. everything relating to “dating”, engagement, marriage).

not new in Europe!

I think this is fantastic; my favorite engagement story to date! My now ex proposed recently and I wasn’t ready. I said yes, then no; went back and forth. Then I realized that the decision shouldn’t feel like this…I should be at ease, and it should be something that we mutually want to move forward with together. I read an article about millenials “sliding” into big life decisions and how it can negatively affect your happiness and love life. I couldn’t agree more. Congratulations to you both by the way! Great story, Joanna! <3

Growing up, my siblings and I would get a little frustrated when we asked my parents about their engagement. They always said, “There never really was a proposal, we both just knew”. Now, I think their story is really sweet. My husband formally proposed to me, but we had been talking about it for months. He said there was no way he was going to ask me unless he knew what my answer was going to be. He said that to comfort me, because he brought up marriage pretty early on in our relationship, and it freaked me out! I needed time to let it all sink in. By the time of the proposal, I was more than ready to say “yes”. :)

Building off what Kaitlyn said, I’ve noticed most people featured on this blog are white, whether they’re people you’ve personally interviewed, random photos of models you’ve chosen, movies you’ve watched, or quotes from celebrities. More diversity would be appreciated! This could be in the form of race/ethnicity, sexuality, gender identity, religion, etc.

Our engagement was a hybrid of the proposal and the process. We talked a lot about getting engaged, and we knew we would get married the next year. I even started calling wedding venues in possible locations, and had booked an appointment for the weekend when my family would be in town for Thanksgiving- to look with my mom! But I still had no idea when or how “the proposal” would happen, and I did like to dream of something sweeping and romantic. Would he surprise me on my visit to New York and propose on the Brooklyn bridge? Would he ask atop a mountain during our weekend in Western North Carolina? Would he organize a flash mob (they were still cool)?! But then, one morning he woke me up by whispering favorite moments of our seven years together in my ear, walking me down this incredible path of memories that had laid the foundation for what we built together- and I was completely shocked when he suddenly asked if I would marry him and gave me his great grandmother’s ring. We cried and laughed and had this quiet, peaceful moment that was ours. I’m biased, but I think it’s the best engagement story of all time- even better than a flash mob.

Love this story. What a beautiful couple!

That sounds lovely!
And actually really natural. I wasn’t expecting this when you wrote “revolutionnary” in the intro, but I’m French and we don’t really have that formal proposal-on-one-knee thing, or the pressure that comes with it. I think all the people getting married around me have had a similar process to your friends.
I love hearing how original it seems to you, what different cultures!

I love this post! Me & my boyfriend have lived together for 5 years & I have never liked the concept of marriage. I personally do not understand the point of it. We do & act the same as any married couple already we just havn’t spent a crap load of money on a party to let everyone know we are going to be together forever. If we ever were to get married I think this is how it would go down. It should be a joint decision & discussed as its not really something you go into lightly.

¨woow..99 comments. People love to talk about engagement! :D
My boyfriend and I moved to the fist “baby adequate” apartment a year ago, and he was deciding if he wanted to go on and work on his own or for someone. He asked me one day if I wanted to have a baby, right there. He wants kids one day, and he told me that if I was ready, he would make job decisions that would be best for our family. I thought about it a few days and then told him I would rather celebrate our couple for now. Have him try to have his own business, maybe marry, and have kids after trying the dream job thing, so he (we) could concentrate on that. We kept talking about it since, and decided to get married next summer. Noone proposed, we just discussed about our future and decided this was what we would do next. We are keeping it a secret until christmas. We decided first on who we want to come (30 peeps), then the rings, where to have it, and the bureaucratic stuff.

What a lovely story! While my boyfriend at the time did an official proposal, it was never fully a surprise because we had talked long and often about our mutual intent to marry. What he knew from those talks was that I did not want an engagement ring. Something about the cost of it and the “showing of the rock on my finger” etc seemed out of sync with what engagement was about for me, which was more about our mutual commitment and our future together. So when he proposed he did it the old Hebrew way and offered me a cup of wine to drink. In accepting it and drinking it, I was saying I do and taking him in. We playfully painted a ring on each other’s fingers too, but these were merely symbolic, and were for both of us. Playfully, I ended up painting his whole hand, and not just a ring – I wanted all of him. In every way, the moment was about what we felt and not about what he had bought to put on my finger. Nothing wrong with rings either (I have a beautiful wedding ring, and it is a prized possession!), but I loved everything about how we chose to get engaged. Fourteen years later, we are still very much in love and very happy.

My husband I met at 18 and knew within about 9 months that we were headed for marriage. We always talked about our future together and dated with great intention. I was so thankful to know where he stood and that he wanted to know if we were heading in the same direction. Clarity is such a beautiful, peaceful thing! He proposed to me at a Christmas dinner with our friends. He put together a slide show about our relationship and then got down on one knee to ask me if I would be his wife. It was so special and there wasn’t a dry eye in the house. 24 years later, I still remember that night so fondly and loved that he was so sweet and creative. It’s a treasured memory.

Yay Nora! What a lovely story, and what lovely comments! And what a lovely blog. ; )

My parents (who got married in 1991), had a similar experience. They were sitting at an outdoor symphony concert in Chicago, and were eating a picnic dinner, when my mom asked what my dad thought about marriage. My dad reportedly said, “I think we’ll get married one day.” My mom agreed. The couple sitting next to them asked them if they were engaged. My mom said, “I guess so.” And then they apparently were engaged. They had a big family dinner (really big–90 people were there, I’m from a big family) and announced it to everyone. My grandfather cried, and complemented my mom on her dissertation. They got married 6 months later. My mom never changed her name, since she already had a doctorate when she got married, and wanted to retain her original title. They were married by a nondenominational minister, and decided to let my siblings and I choose our own religion (my mom is Catholic-turned-Unitarian, and my dad is a conservative Jew). Nothing they did was typical, but it was perfect for them.

Monte and I were together, all the time, so when my house was rebuilt after a fire, he moved in. Here and there, my mom made a couple of not-so-discreet comments about how she didn’t like calling him “my boyfriend” and so the discussion, often in eye rolling joke-mode after one of my mom’s comments, became more about when, not if, we were getting married. Then he bought a stone — a Montana sapphire, because I used to live there, loved their blue green uniqueness, and “I didn’t want a stone that children on the other side of the world had to dig up” (cue more eye rolling from HIM this time) — and it sat on his desk, in an envelope, for a year and a half. We would look at settings, but we couldn’t commit (read: I couldn’t decide) and finally, February 13, 2012, he came upstairs after I got home from work, sat down and said, “You know, you’re always saying if you love someone, to hurry up and show it. Well, I love you, and don’t want to wait any longer to spend the rest of my life with you,”
Needless to say, he had chosen the perfect setting, and despite a couple of life-gets-in-the-way delays, we are getting married next weekend. :)

We got engaged on a little boat too…on San Francisco bay, just the two of us…on the Fourth of July as the grand finale fireworks display from Oakland, San Francisco and Marin all lit up the sky at the same time. Then he asked me and put the ring (that we had chosen together) on my finger. It was very romantic and amazing. I knew it was coming since we chose the ring together, I just didn’t know when I it was going to be. It was good to trust him because he made it perfect with this wondrous surprise.