Motherhood Mondays: The Best Book for Mothers-to-Be

Joanna – you just responded to another post of mine and sent me here, and I’m basically in tears because a) I’ve never gotten a direct response from you so I’m sort of fan-girling here and b) I needed this so badly, feeling like I was flying solo in my sentiment. Thank you for caring so much about your readers. I’ve been here since you started and I’ll be here for another decade +. <3

Hi Joanna, what a great post! I just bought the book for my sister who’s due in just a few short weeks! I write about small blogs and found yours to be just the epitomy of greatness! You can read my feature here: http://awakencurioussocial.com/2013/07/16/a-cup-of-jo/ Hope you enjoy! Also a huge fan of the mothers around the world series! You’re raising the bar for all small bloggers out there.

I was 37 when I conceived my first (and only so far) child and 38 when he was born. I had always wanted to adopt and had heard all those horror stories. I was surprisingly clueless about everything going around/on in the world of pregnancy and motherhood despite most of my friends having kids already. I found that I suffered from some severe social conditioning – you can’t get pregnant after 35! (eh, first try) – you can’t conceive a healthy child after 35! (eh, not true) – those were the things that scared me before ttc and during the first 20 weeks. The second 20 weeks of my pregnancy were mostly just miserable and I felt mostly pissed off at the long list of discomforts I’d never heard about before (like how much your feet hurt when you stand up in the morning and pretty much every other moment of the day and occasionally still at 12 weeks pp). I was afraid of the pain of childbirth, terrified of huge needles (epidural), and didn’t think I could have a c-section without being put fully under. I was a rebel and refused to attend child birthing classes, played the epidural by ear, etc. In the end I was in labor for 16 hours, my contractions started 2 minutes apart (WTH?), I had the epidural (pain can remove fear of needles), and I had a relatively uncomplicated vaginal delivery considering I apparently have world’s most narrow birth canal. Who knew? I was given an episiotomy and I’m happy with that since they were discussing vacuuming, using forceps, and emergency c-sections to remove my baby. I pushed for three hours (without the epidural, they turned it off for the pushing). I also gave birth in a local hospital overseas. I don’t regret (at all) refusing to attend child birthing classes, I don’t regret not having a birth plan (not that it would have mattered where I delivered anyway), etc. I’m really quite pleased with my whole delivery experience. I never want to be pregnant again though, that was miserable. I read the Mayo Clinic book since it was sorter and slightly less terrifying than What to Expect, and I read Bringing Up Bebe (hey! you can parent like that! in France.). Oh, and I decided to formula feed before conceiving but kept an open mind. My mind didn’t change, I have exclusively ff and I am very happy with that decision as well.

Thanks for share this fantastic article with us.

I was hoping that certain acquaintances of mine had exhausted their store of horror stories about birth and nasty ignorant comments… I was wrong and I now avoid them at all costs. I don’t know if i’m even more sensitive than i already am due to hormones, but the baby is definitely teaching me what’s most important: the baby, my husband and the cat, of course! Everyone else I’m nice too and when they cross the line I do my best to ignore what they say and then call my mom to check the truth!

Congratulation Good Post
Thank you very much
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i am 37 weeks pregnant and have only read the mayo clinic guide to pregnancy. it’s a pretty clinical book but it’s been good. this definitely seems like a book i should pick up though!

When I read this post, the book sounded so perfect for a friend of mine that I ordered it immediately. It arrived yesterday, and I’ve been reading it before pass it along – it’s lovely. I’m giving it to a friend who is three months pregnant and is already dismayed/discouraged/intimidated by the more traditional pregnancy books. I think Ms. Fennelly’s words will bolster her spirits greatly! I see this book becoming a regular on the baby shower gift circuit!

I totally agree with this post! You would hear so many horror stories, leaving you to wonder why anyone has kids at all.

Truth be told, I felt this same way when I was about to get married. It seemed like at all the parties I went to when I mentioned I was engaged it was a green light to complain about how horrible their husbands were. And then I got married myself and it has been wonderful.

Maybe it’s because happiness doesn’t sell? I suppose it’s always more entertaining to tell the horror stories :)

Anyway, the BEST book for new parents is called
Be Prepared, a Practical Handbook for Dads

http://beprepared.net/

It’s SO funny, go check it out. I give it to all my friends when they get pregnant.

I LOVED this book too! I kept looking up her photo on google, and thinking “can I be this woman? She is so wonderful!” Her language is unbelievably warm, sexy, embracing, creative. Just love!

I was thinking of her line about snot-covered babies, and kissing them anyway, just today.

Thank you for this post, I also mostly just heard horror stories about pregnancy , birth and motherhood. And I for the longest time thought that all of that was not for me. And I never wanted to be pregnant, now, at 38, I am 17 weeks pregnant,and loving every minute of it! And am blessed with a wonderful pregnancy.I expected all sort of awful things and feelings — and none of it has come true. I think perhaps I have never been this happy!

Everyone told me wonderful stories about pregnancy before I got pregnant. Once I “joined the club”, I got the horror stories (or the truth!). I really don’t get mad if someone shares their horror stories because it is a physically grueling experience for some/many? I try not to dwell on it of course. I had some really bad experiences w/ pregnancy but I didn’t get stretch marks, which was something people warned me about. It’s different for all!

one stupid woman actually informed me i could die giving birth. When i was 8 MONTHS PREGNANT!!!

it seems some women feel they need to say SOMETHING, anything and it’s easier to think of the negatives especially if they don’t have personal experiences themselves to relate with.

I have two vivid memories of hearing unwelcome horror stories: The first was during a pedicure early on in my pregnancy..I hadn’t announced it yet, but the people I was with knew and the lady doing the pedicure started telling me how terrible childbirth was and how naughty her kids were!

The second was when a friend had JUST given birth, a mutual friend told me how she had a scare with hemorrhaging after her little guy was born and it sounded really terrifying! He started with “I probably shouldn’t tell this to a pregnant woman, but…” Sheesh!

I do my best to show only excitement at the miracle of pregnancy and childbirth, also regarding parenting. Yes there are challenging moments, but there are SO many beautiful joys to outweigh them!

I had a healthy pregnancy and drug-free natural delivery so I try to encourage people with how much I enjoyed both of those.

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for posting this! I’m in my first trimester, & I find it so discouraging that rather than ask me how I feel, people often ask questions like, “Are you throwing up? Aren’t you sooooo nauseous & tired?!” When I tell them that I feel great, they quickly retort, “Oh, just wait- it will get worse.” I mean, even if it does, how will that comment help me?! Anyway, I can’t wait to read the book you’ve recommended. One thing that has helped me is a very kind act from my best friend: She sends me sweet pictures of her 2-year old, to remind me of all of the moments I have to look forward to. :) It’s heartwarming & makes me smile.

YES! Why do they feel the need to tell horror stories?? Even women who are normally nice and you’d think have good judgment will tell you in detail about their episiotomies or whatever.
I actually had an awful birth experience so I’ve made it my mission to always talk about the good associated with motherhood and pregnancy. Because there’s so much good there, and pregnant women are nervous enough as it is. It’s our job as women and mothers to support & encourage each other :)

The photo makes me wish it were warmer so I could go to Rockefeller park today!

You have to trust your instincts and try to avoid the negative stuff… I think people like much more telling the horror stories than the beautiful ones… but it’s insensitive to “frighten” moms-to-be…. Just because someone had post-partum, doesn’t mean that other mom-to-be will have it…. or saggy boobs/belly or whatever… I’m a mom of two beautiful sons and with motherhood comes good and bad things… but the good outweigh by far the bad… so much so, that I would love having more children!! Kisses

I am 39 weeks pregnant and loved the experience of being pregnant with my first child. I, like everyone else here, have had people (total strangers even) regale me with their tales and stories. I may in the minority but I love this time and this precious season. It’s such a special time and it will be the only time I have like this with my daughter. Sure, it’s uncomfortable. Sure, I’d love to wear my old clothes again. But I am growing a healthy baby! What could be better!? so when people start to tell me their tales (especially that of labor and delivery…people LOVE to tell you those horror stories. Especially when they discover we have been preparing extensively for a natural birth) I tell them hanks but no thanks. My ‘witty comeback’ is ”…well since no two pregnancies are alike, no two deliveries are alike. Wish me luck!’. and I love how people act as though pregnant women are dumb! of course we are aware that are bodies and lives will change! Is that the beauty of it all?

While I am not pregnant nor a mother – this is such a great post! I have friends who worry some of the same things! I will be purchasing this book for them ASAP! Thanks for sharing!

xo
Caitlin
http://hauteeyes.com

I think people (usually women)gleefully telling horror stories has a lot to do with our culture’s emphasis on trying to outdo each other with how busy we are or how hard we work. Plus, there is a strong “mommy martyr complex” that has become popular in the past couple decades, which I despise.

The thing is, everyone’s experience of pregnancy and motherhood is going to be so different: we all have different personalities, different bodies, different ways we respond to things, and especially, DIFFERENT children. For example, I get major pregnancy brain, and a lot of my friends don’t. I have gotten PPD and postpartum thyroiditis after my other pregnancies, and I don’t personally know anyone who gets both things (I have medications I use for both). So, for me personally, pregnancy and the postpartum period are really rough, but on the other hand, I’ve discovered that I am fantastic with nurturing and understanding my little kids. Other women might struggle with different things than me.

I am due in Feb. with our third, and even though it’s been a challenge lately, and I expect a much bigger challenge in the postpartum period, I’m not afraid of what comes after that. I can’t wait to have another person to love and get to know.

In any case, it’s the relationship between with one’s child that matters more than any challenge related to parenting. There are no words I could ever find to express how much I love my kids, and how deeply satisfying it is to have them in my life.

Of all the books out there, my favorite book for babies is Nursing Mothers Companion

Jo, thanks for this post!! I am 25 weeks pregnant and your words could not have come at a better or more opportune time. I can’t wait to check out that book! It looks fabulous. As I have always said (and which applies more now than ever!), how you approach life is a CHOICE. How we think about pregnancy, birth, and parenthood is also a choice, and how we communicate about it to others is a choice. We can look at the negatives and dwell in pessimism and fear, or we can embrace the positives and turn our faces toward the sunlight (including in our child’s eyes!) I choose sunlight every time. Peace!

I followed my doctors advice from the beginning, his advice was “Don´t read, specially not online! And don´t let anyone tell what is right and what is wrong, what is bad and what is good, this is your pregnancy, if you have any concerns you can call me at any time.”

Results: A really relaxed young mom, good birth and the best baby in the world, and I never had to call my doctor.

I see now, that there are many things that other moms experienced as a bad thing, but I didn´t find that horrible. So if you hear and read about things before you try them your self, and other people describe them as horrible, of course you will find them horrible too.

P.S. For sagging boobs worriers, you might get lucky like I did and get a “free natural push up” from breastfeeding.

I was hoping that certain acquaintances of mine had exhausted their store of horror stories about birth and nasty ignorant comments… I was wrong and I now avoid them at all costs. I don’t know if i’m even more sensitive than i already am due to hormones, but the baby is definitely teaching me what’s most important: the baby, my husband and the cat, of course! Everyone else I’m nice too and when they cross the line I do my best to ignore what they say and then call my mom to check the truth!

Thank you for sharing! I would love to read this!

Currently in my 24th week and LOVING being a momma kangaroo. Especially with all the kicks and rolls I feel each day. It’s such an amazing feeling to have this little fellow growing and thriving inside me.

When I first got pregnant, all I worried about was stretch marks, sagging boobs and losing my figure. Four miscarriages later (and finally a very healthy pregnancy on this fifth try), I don’t care if I lose my figure, if my boobs sag and if I get stretch marks (although I’m blessed to have none now). Those things don’t matter now. All I want is a healthy and happy baby boy and I will use my body and all that it is capable of doing to take care of this baby.

Lara

Somehow I missed the horror stories. All I heard were the good things and how wonderful labor, delivery and the newborn experience was. I didn’t read any pregnancy/birthing books – just could never get into them. So I was very sanguine about the whole thing. I wish someone had told me how hard it was, though I probably wouldn’t have believed them anyway.
My labor and delivery wasn’t terrible but once I had a newborn in my arms, I felt like I had just been hit by a train. Postpartum sucked and continued to suck for approx 7 months. It took me that long to recover from the birth (had some complications) and start enjoying motherhood. Totally worth it though, coz am doing it all over again – expecting my second one in a few months ;-)

i think that a balance between fearmongering and honesty can be struck. also, i think it’s important to take others’ experiences with a grain of salt since everyone’s bodies, births, and babies are so different. the most truthful thing i can say about motherhood is it’s the hardest, most joyful, most exhausting, most worthwhile thing i’ve ever done.

I really enjoyed “From The Hips.” It was a nice first book to read, as it offered different options without being judgemental. I am also finding Dr Sears’s “The Birth Book” helpful.

When people find out that my husband and I are planning a natural birth, all I get is horror stories and comments like “TAKE THE DRUGS!!!!” I found the movie “The Business of Being Born” pretty reassuring, and extremely interesting.

I’m 27 weeks and feeling huge. Looking forward to meeting this little person!

Lacey

The Parents Tao Te Ching has a very special place in my heart because of the calmness it brings to motherhood. My husband and I read it often to remind ourself that being a parent is the greatest blessing (stress and all). It’s a very short read (first time I read it in a couple of hours) but the impact it has on your life is simply priceless. HIGHLY recommended! Thanks for your suggestion, can’t wait to read it!

All of these posts are so encouraging because my husband and I are about to start trying to get pregnant. It’s not other people that are scaring me about pregnancy, I’m scaring myself!!! I know I want to have a family and I’m 34 years old. All of the stars are aligned, but I’m just terrified of the thought of my life changing so much. And I know the change will be for the better, I just can’t seem to get past my own fears. Is this the case for anyone else? Could use some book recommendations for when you are in the “thinking about getting pregnant” stage. These positive comments have definitely made me feel better though… And also reading Motherhood Mondays posts. Thanks Joanna! -Laura

I was obsessed with reading birth stories, which can be a little dicey on the internet. I heard about a book right after I gave birth called Belly Button Bliss – just positive birth stories, and gave it to a few pregnant mamas.

It seemed like the more positive I was about pregnancy the more people dragged out the horror stories. And forget telling people you planned on a natural child birth. You might as well say you were planning on birthing the baby through your nose.

I was constantly teased at work that I would have a ten pound baby and I would respond with something from Hypnobirthing class – “My baby will be the perfect size for my body.” We were both right. My ten pound baby was born naturally; it was hard work but completely wonderful and I can’t wait to do it again!

I just has my first baby four months ago. I was petrified of labor and ended up having a c section. It was not nearly as bad as I expected due to all the horror stories. I will def be ordering this book to read. It looks so cute and I’m always looking for a new book

I loved reading birth stories because they reminded me that women have been doing this since the beginning of time, and if they could do it, i could do it! my favorites were ina may gaskin’s spiritual midwifery and guide to childbirth.

Someone wrote me a note on a card that said, “Your life is about to change…” I initially rolled my eyes because I was sick of people saying things like that. (Yes- people don’t think and love to share their horror stories!) Anyway, the rest of the note said, “for the better.” Such sweet and true words!

Oh, I’m SO grateful for you, Joanna, and especially this post (and all those about BFing). My dear friend Stacy and I noticed that a lot of women complain about pregnancy (and often also complain about their husbands) and that we would-NO MATTER WHAT-never complain about the experience. We know too many women who can’t have children or who have miscarried or lost their son or daughter later in life.

And we found that in being so positive, we never had a moment of regret or disappointment in the experience!

And as to the reality, it’s true—people make such a big deal about such strange things! I’m all for being an educated woman. Know what happens during each week of pregnancy; know exactly what and why your body does what it does during labor; know your options for care during and after delivery. Wear a bra at all times and you won’t get those saggy boobies (I’m on my 2nd kiddo who will be only 15 months younger than the 1st).

Oh, I felt like I was lied to before because IT IS SO DARN GOOD!