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Everything is a phase. By the lovely Grace Farris.
P.S. Kid love languages and reasons my kids might be cranky.
Parenting Advice
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Lol, “everything’s a phase” is my go-to “advice” for new parents. That and “babies are weird.”
I have an 8 month old, and by far the most frequent advice given to us as new parents is, “Soak it up, it goes by so fast!” I always hear other new parents shunning that advice and complaining about how it’s too difficult to do that, even though the advice-givers are well-intentioned. Honestly I would say it’s the best advice I’ve been given though. Since EVERYONE says it, it must be true. It’s helped me to have loooow expectations from the beginning of what each day looks like and how much I can accomplish and what the postpartum period looks like for me. I’m already seeing how the months are flying by, and my biggest goal for each day is to just soak it up. Slow down, appreciate the little things, see it all as a gift. Having a baby is the biggest blessing, and babies don’t keep.
I like what you’re saying! “Enjoy it, it goes by sooo fast” is less vague as advice if you realize that it’s basically saying that whatever isn’t love, connection, joy, people, memories–a lot of that stuff can be slapdash and good-enough. I SO don’t care what any of the birthday cakes look like in my childhood photos, it’s my mother’s face I want to see!
When we had our first baby, everyone and anyone gave us advice: about how to get a baby to sleep, what to do, what not to do, what to be careful or weary of.
Everyone seemed to have the answer and my
husband and I would feel inadequate if we struggled with baby sleep because we always felt like we were doing something wrong.
Now, we have baby number two and I realize how much of that advice was well-intended but misguided.
Our second baby is different in every way to our first and what might have worked with the first doesn’t with the second.
Advice can be helpful, but often it’s also not, especially for first time parents. I guess this is still advice, but mine really is to follow your instinct because no one knows your baby better than you. Any one who isn’t an expert on the topic of parenting is basically just sharing their own personal experience and what worked for them might very well not be the right answer for you.
Bottom line is, don’t get boggled down by all the « you should absolutely do this » or « never do this ». It can be crippling.
Follow your instincts and you’ll find your way. Even if it requires patience. Babies are ever evolving. They go through phases. They change. And most often, as long as you’re loving them and doing what feels right you are not making any mistakes.
Thank you for your kind guidance ❤️ I read this aloud to my husband and he said this was very comforting ☺️
hi guys! im not a parent and im a teenager with two very controlling and abusive parents. i just wanted to say that it’s really nice to see parents who accept and love their kids no matter what personality or friends they have. if i do become a parent, ill love my child with all my heart just like you do.
You are loved, Katie! <3
dang. hang in there katie, some of us have been there. hope you and your own parents reach a better place soon. if not, friends sometimes make the best family, or extended family members can lend an ear. good luck. xoxoxoxo ps the best pickmeups can be found at this website! reading it means you’re already doing yourself a favor.
Sending you so much love
oh Katie! Hang in there. Sending you love.
Hi Katie. I’m wondering if you need any resources or help because you used the word “abusive.” I’m just going to leave theyouthalliance.com here. No judgement if you meant it more casually, but I’m a teacher and would feel terrible if I saw this and just let it pass without providing some support if I could. Whatever your situation, I wish you the best.
Oh I too have been on both sides. The best parenting advice I ever received though was from my late uncle. I didn’t know him well, but visited him when he was in late stages of Parkinson. He told me, “Just follow your heart.” It felt so liberating to hear that after all the books, mom blogs, insta accounts, and unsolicited advice from strangers.
For the simpler things in life – my advice to myself is – “Girl- go with your gut and don’t Google it.” Breathe and love and carry on.
Just love. My kids are older now and I was so concerned with doing every single thing right. But the answer is just love your kids. They will be okay. You will be okay. Step into every situation with love. Sometimes that means tough love like setting boundaries to keep them safe. But mostly it means gentleness and kindness. Just love.
❤️ Thank you, I agree ❤️
I want to thank all of you for all of your wonderful thoughts and guidance- I feel so much less alone and hopeful! Looking forward to read through these all weekend. My heart is full!
Side note- I love Grace Farris’ comics and can’t wait for her new book!
THIS TOO SHALL PASS, the mantra that got me through so much of the difficult hours, days and weeks of parenting. It was the hope I clung too, but even now, with a 19 month old, the thought of “this” passing is both hopeful and sad, the eternal bittersweet that is parenting.
I’m always hesitant to give any advice when it comes to getting babies to sleep since all babies are very different, but one thing that has at least improved the sleep of my kids is cutting caffeine from my diet. Someone suggested it to me with my first and I thought it was crazy to do that considering I needed it to function but I tried and it improved his napping so much. I completely removed it-no decaf coffee, no dark chocolate, nothing. My fourth is now 2 months old and with each child since I notice anytime I have had caffeine their sleep is disturbed in some way. I am pretty sensitive to caffeine so that may be the reason, but it’s a pretty low stakes way to try and improve sleep.
Ohhhh I eat so much dark chocolate! Good tip!
seeing lots of parents use this thread as an opportunity to…give advice on sleep training? lololol so here is just a note and a shoulder squeeze for parents who don’t choose to sleep train for whatever reason. it’s ok to
follow your baby’s lead! or to sleep train if you need to/want to! there isn’t an answer to baby sleep, or we’d all be doing it :)
my pediatrician frames so much of her guidance through the lens of what works for the parents/the whole family. i appreciate this holistic approach more than i will ever be able to say to her. and i love that it means that the advice she gives to me isn’t necessarily the advice she gives to the next mom who walks through her door. that, to me, is the root of the root of parenting :)
Yesssss. To all the above. I wish this was shouted from the mountaintops and rooftops to new parents!
My doctor is great like this, too ♥️ she told us that with most things baby, there are tons of ways to do it right.
I loved reading Emily Oster’s book Cribsheet because everything she says is couched in, “Here is the data. Now- what works for your family?” Just because sleep training isn’t found to be harmful in the research, doesn’t mean everyone feels comfortable or wants to do it. Some of us would rather sacrifice sleep for whatever reason, or we have a baby who cries so much they vomit, or whatever the case may be. I remind myself all the time – “Good for her. Not for me!” We can do things differently as parents, and that’s not an indictment on any one style!
Both my kids (5 and 2) have been wanting to sleep with us these last couple weeks on and off and at nap, at bedtime, in the middle of the night. And I was worried about sleep training and habits and my sanity.
But it occurred to me I’ve been calling my mom more and baking carrot bread and reading James Herriot. Just trying to keep hope in my chest. I can be the hope in their chests. They’re still babies.
Oh Savannah, same here. Our son is eight and on top of world events, we are moving from Switzerland, where he was born and raised, to the US this summer. He’s been having a hard time sleeping and waking up in the middle of the night and I’m completely sympathetic because we aren’t sleeping the greatest either. So we just schooch over and have a family cuddle. Your comment touched my heart, my son is just a little boy and I hope someday he’ll give cuddles to someone who needs them without judgement of circumstances or age or whatever society judges.
This is so beautiful. I love, “I can be the hope in their chests.” And as I am eating carrot muffins today and just watched All Creatures last night, I think we have some of the same coping/hoping mechanisms!
I have three children, trying for a fourth. Every parent and every child is different but this quote from Alison Gopnick sums up what I try to say to anyone who asks…
“Let’s recall that “parent” is not actually a verb, nor is it a form of work. What we need to talk about instead is “being a parent”—that is, caring for a child. To be a parent is to be part of a profound and unique human relationship, to engage in a particular kind of love, not to make a certain sort of thing.”
I can’t echo the art of the pause enough! Both of my girls slept through the night at 8 weeks old and they NEVER “cried it out”. The absolute longest that they ever cried was 3 minutes and that was just once. Giving babies a chance to self soothe gently and over time will make every one more peaceful. The other thing that I was VERY diligent about was waking my babies up every 3 hours during the day and letting them wake me up at night. I would wake them, feed them, and then try to keep them awake for a while. I didn’t feed them to sleep. Hope this helps and always remember that YOU are the expert of your kids, nobody else.
Exactly! Helping a baby develop good sleeping habits doesn’t have to be harsh and involve lots of crying. Things keeping the baby more or less on a schedule, making sure you are home at nap time so the baby can get proper, quiet rest in his or her own bed. I also had blackout roller shades in my kids rooms so the rooms were pitch-dark at nap time and at bedtime in the summer.
Other things: keeping the lights in the home dim within an hour of baby’s bedtime, no screens on around baby near bedtime. Also, I didn’t bottle feed or nurse my children to sleep, I finished the final feed about 30 minutes before bedtime, then I would rock and sing quietly to the baby in his/her very dark bedroom till baby was drowsy but not asleep.
My last trick was when my newborns started sleeping several hours at a stretch but not all night, I’d put the baby down about 7:30 or 8 and then wake the baby for a feed about 11 p.m. or midnight and then go to bed myself. My babies would go right back to sleep and I’d get some heavenly sleep until 5 or 6 in the morning instead of being woken up at 1 AM.
I didn’t finish the book (but that’s more about me than the book, haha) but in general Playful Parenting was so helpful. I loved
–the reframe that “What’s that?” over and over is saying “I enjoyed our interaction the last time I asked” because it now feels more affectionate and less nagging interaction. I’ve now started responding either with some combination of reflection “What do *you* think it is?” and silly responses “Is it a ?”
–bringing toys into interactions with kids: my daughter loves when I make stuffies do things she’s supposed to do, like potty, eating, etc.)
Omg, My typos!!! Babies need to be burped, definitely not burned!!!! Oy!
I didn’t read the original comment but this made me laugh out loud!! Auto correct can be the worst
Hahahahahaha !!!!! Auto correct has the best sense of humor sometimes 😂😂😂
Lol, I once typed Hell Elizabeth instead of Hello Elizabeth in a work email and that too in an escalating situation. The absolute worst that I can think of was when I typed Penis instead of Peni for a colleague’s name. Running away to hide now.
😂😂
We “sleep trained” all three of our babies between 2-3 months which is earlier than most suggest. We were hard-core about making sure they were fed, had enough but not too much stimulation while awake, and were well burned. Then we would get them a bit sleepy, tell them it was time to sleep and to have a lovely nap and gently putting in their crib and walk away. For maybe one day there were whimpers with a couple big cries. With our oldest, he was more angry, but also learned before the second day was over how to fall asleep on his own. I KNOW that this doesn’t work for everyone and itis so so so hard to ask your baby to feel discomfort for even a minute, but it does seem like it absolutely paid off in the end for us. All our kids sleep so well. And when they are rested and you are rested, everything feels easier.
A bit of love for those families out there where this has not worked for them- I 100% agree that every baby and every family is different! Seeing my kids grow up allows me to understand this on the deepest level. We all are doing our best and so many kids get to wonderful places with incredibly different upbringing! If your family finds is sweet spot of what works, then good for you!!!
Hahaha if someone asked me for parenting advice at the playground the only thing I could honestly say with conviction is …I wish you good luck!
I’ve been told that we treat our first kid like “third kid parents” (pretty lax). Not sure if that was meant as a compliment or criticism… But! I will say there are two resources that saved me: 1) Sleep training and learning to soothe/understand baby via “Taking Cara Babies” online course starting asap after birth, and 2) Hunt, Gather, Parent for not overextending ourselves in catering life to toddlers.
I second the rec for Taking Cara Babies. I was the mum who couldn’t let my baby cry for even a minute. And I was also the mum on the absolute brink from sleep deprivation and crippling postnatal anxiety. Sleep training at seven months saved our family and I gently recommend it to anyone who’s curious. And if you’re not that’s great too. A real “good for her, not for me” example if I ever saw one. Wishing all the new parents a little rest.
Regarding getting the 10-week old to sleep – agree wholeheartedly with what Toni says (the art of the pause!) and also . . . 10 weeks should be old enough to let him cry for a bit. It’s ok, really! We took a gentle approach from the ever-so-controversial Babywise book, and our daughter is a champion sleeper (in her own bed!), even now at age 6. Letting the baby/kiddo self-soothe and get to sleep is a lifelong skill to pass along. You can do it!
For those of you reading who are caring specifically for those babies who wake a lot in the night, take many, many short naps, and whom you love beyond measure, but whom you also really, really wish would let you get a few hours of sleep in a row because you are starting to feel like a walking Kandinsky painting…this one’s for you:
You are doing nothing “wrong”. There is (likely) nothing “wrong” with your baby. Some babies sleep solidly asap, and some babies take a few years to sort our their sleep needs. That’s right… a few years. As low as your heart may have just dropped when reading that, I hope it also offers a ray of hope, because in general, there is not a lot you can do to change the hardwired early sleep patterns and needs of your child. Are there techniques you can try that may help eeek things a little in the direction you’re aiming for? Absolutely! But, as a couple who met with a number of baby sleep consultants, pediatricians, spoke to every parent we could through our haze of sleepless days and nights… it will likely sort itself out through growth and development. I spent the precious minutes of many nap times scouring the internet for tales of sleeplessness that mirrored ours and it’s just… so specific to each child, and aside from supporting them through providing a healthy and safe sleeping environment… it’s mostly up to them to string hours of sleeping at night together.
I am not a sleep expert by any means, but I am parent to a 5.5 year old who had us running around like haggard zombies for a few years while we chucked cash, emotions, and time at “fixing” this problem. In reality, our energy would have best been spent understanding that it would take time and patience to get back to dependable, solid nights of sleep, and that there was no “fix”.
Thank you Lauren K! ❤️Writing this as I just got baby to sleep on me in an ergo baby carrier, swaying my body back and forth
I solidly agree with this. Our babies were up every 90-120 minutes for the first 15 months of their lives. It was BRUTAL, especially when I went back to work when they were 6 months old and we juggled care for them. Then I weaned them and each became an excellent sleeper. At 14 and 12 years, they are good sleepers and there is no real evidence of our early issues (except I still don’t sleep well).
My advice on baby sleep is follow the baby. Our older one loved to be held. He would wake up just to be held. We held him. Our younger one loved to have his morning nap in his swing but otherwise be left alone when it was time to sleep. Once I stopped fighting so hard against what they were so clearly communicating, it all got easier (even if they didn’t sleep very long).
YES LAUREN K. I have an almost 3 year old and our story was very similar — I woke up this morning and realized he’d slept 11 hours and thought back to when I literally thought THAT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN. They all sort it out eventually.
Yes! I just want to echo that sometimes you are doing everything right and your child still doesn’t sleep! My case study is my two kids – we followed all the sleep training advice for BOTH. And, you know what, one of my kids slept through the night early on and the other one took years!
I have been reading CoJ for years (years!) and NEVER commented. Until now. I CANNOT echo this enough. CoJ readers, remember: “Babies be Babies”?? That applies to sleep, too! Some babies take really well to sleep training, some don’t (mine never did!). But they’re 5 and 8 and sleep well every night (once they fall alseep but that’s another story…)
To all these replies, I would just add: the “walking Kandinsky painting” is so evocative! Haha
Lauren K. I wish all parents were as wise and eloquent as you, so I wouldn’t have to read so much nonsense to get to the truth. Thanks for telling it as it is for everyone to read and appreciate! Bless xxx
AL L – I was in the same boat with my two youngest. Actually started co-sleeping (with husband out of bed, no pillow, no blanket so I felt pretty safe) and we were both able to get some great rest. Did this the first 5 months as I recovered from the surgery and then did a gentle form of sleep training guided by a coach at Little Dipper Wellness. The whole thing wasn’t perfect but, in my experience, babies don’t sleep and I NEED sleep so it worked OK! Get some rest mama! Oh—and I agree—10 weeks is way too young to sleep train.
Thank you ERP! ❤️I have been feeling guilty co-sleeping but I really do need my sleep to heal and function. Good to know I’m not alone!
Toni–I read the book “Brining up Bebe” while pregnant, about how French parents raise their babies and toddlers. While I didn’t align with everything, my biggest take-away was our babies are capable of SO much more than we often let them show us due to our own discomfort sitting with their (typically, short-lived and not harmful) discomfort. We let our twins fuss a bit when they were tiny, and progressively more as they got older (but still tiny!) and similarly to you, they have slept through the night beautifully ever since about 4 months. The French!
Al L–that being said, all babies and parents are different! A book I found helpful as well is “Precious Little Sleep” which aligned with our values/goals with regard to sleep.
Thank you so much Jordan! ❤️
Jordan – after I told a close friend about my husband’s trick, they told me to read that book and…WOW. It was enlightening! And 100% agree children are capable of so much.
Currently have “Middle School Makeover” and “Fourteen Talks By Age 14” waiting in the wings for me, but according to my friends with older kids – YES, IT IS A PHASE.
It is a phase!!! My kid is 18 months old right now so we have our own little backpack of joy and struggle, but thinking about the things that are no longer an issue or concern (having a flat head, PUMPING, baby led weaning choking nightmares, etc.) makes me feel so light!
OK, I’m on the older end of readership and raised babies in the years juuuuuuuust before the internet existed. I pondered Penelope Leach’s hardcore practicality, balanced it with the gooier Brazelton, was the first of my friends to multiply (so no mentors there) and figured it out on the fly most of the time. BUT. If you want a book that’s stood the test, read Liberated Parents, Liberated Children. Oldie, like me. But I gift it to expectant parents (who may roll their eyes), and refer to it even when dealing with my adult offspring. Especially relevant if you’ve got sibling ‘stuff’ in your house.
Oh I love this and I feel extremely seen! Have been both of these parents, currently the one on the right!
same!! I remember drifting up to different parents at the playground when Toby was a tiny baby and asking, pleadingly, “How do you get your children to sleep?”
That is me right now! Lovely reader friends: How do we get our 10 week old to sleep in his crib?? He will only sleep on warm bodies. I think the habit started from when I was recovering from my c-section and couldn’t lift him up to feed him on my own, then ever since he will start to cry right when he feels us lowering him into his crib, haha. We feel he is too young to just let him cry. Thank you CoJ friends ❤️
Same! I go through times when I’m like “oh we’re just lucky he does x so well” and other times where I panic and go “everything is the end of the world and I have no idea what I’m doing!” Like last night when he woke up at 2am and would only sleep on my husband for the rest of the night after months of sleeping perfectly well on his own through the night.
Al L – Not sure if this will help because every baby is different but maybe give “pausing” a chance? At around 3 weeks old, my little one would fuss around in her bassinet when she was clearly very tired. My French husband said something brilliant that has stuck with me: “give her a moment, she’s smart and can figure this out”…and she did! I took 10 deep breaths and was convinced my little gal would be wailing by the time my de-stress exercise was complete…but she just didn’t. We never had to let her cry it out because she never cried. She just magically found a way to drift back to dreamland. Apparently this is a very common French thing that I had no idea about! 2 years later and my little gal hasn’t woken up in the night since she was 13 weeks old.
@AL L – I had a little koala baby too, every nap needed to be a contact nap. At the time I thought I had to do something to change the behavior but luckily I discovered the amazing Instagram account @heysleepybaby and learned a great deal about what is so biologically “normal” with infants. Highly recommend you check it out to maybe give you some peace of mind and also advice that doesn’t push letting tiny baby cry in their crib. Good luck and congrats on your baby!
AL L- Check out @takingcarababies on Instagram. She offers tons of great advice on baby sleep, and always has a very accepting “come where you are” attitude. I paid for her newborn sleep class and loved it, so I bet her classes for older babies are great as well!
Toni, that’s brilliant advice that, at 7months old, I’m only just now using with my daughter. Works 50% of the time but that’s better than 0. Al L 10 weeks is too young for crying it out (most recommendations suggest waiting until 16 weeks) but pausing should help and when in doubt, just soak up the snuggles? My girl is 7mo the old and I miss that little rolly-polly-sleepy-kinda wrinkly newborn stage. Before you know it, the amount of snuggles and baby smell will be drastically reduced.
Thank you so much everyone, my heart is full from all the love, kindness and advice!
Hi Al L, We were right there with you at 10 weeks with our daughter. She would only sleep on us for nighttime sleep. BUT I think it was right around that time during a moment of pure exhaustion that I found that I could put her to sleep in her bassinet after just the last feeding of the night (i.e. around 2-3am), and shortly thereafter, we had success with putting her down for the night in her bassinet on her own (thanks in parts to being wiped from a vaccine day). It was such a sweet relief to have my arms and sleep back to myself! Since then, she hasn’t been a “sleep through the night” baby like for some (so maybe try their advice first) but wanted to share what worked for us!
Al L – I would 100% second heysleepybaby Instagram account. It’s the best resource on infant sleep and gives you tools to help your baby sleep better with NO crying (unlike Taking Cara Babies, which is cry it out sleep training). My baby is a terrible sleeper, still, but I have worked out strategies to get him to sleep at the right times and I feel rested too, which is all that matters to me. That and not leaving my baby to cry, which I was never going to do. Good luck! The contact naps don’t last forever, so enjoy them (when you can, I know it’s hard and exhausting).
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