Maybe, Baby?

This is beautiful and so close to home. We’ve more or less given up and I’ve written and spoken about this very little discussed avenue, so others who’ve also made this devastating decision . So anyone facing what I call, infertility grief, feels less alone. I’m on insta for anyone interested. ngozi_chione x

This was me! 7 years ago. I distinctly remember my gyno telling me about my low AMH, 0.032 to be exact. She said, the train is leaving the station, it hasn’t left yet, but it is leaving soon.

6 unsuccessful rounds of IUI, and then my second round of IVF gave me my son. A year after my son was born, we did another round of IVF which resulted in a twin pregnancy, which I miscarried. 1 year later at the age of 40, 5 years after my low AMH diagnosis, pregnant naturally.

I never believed any of those types of stories would actually be me. Keep at it! Good luck. <3

Let me start by saying, my heart goes out to this person. Conversations about infertility/miscarriages have been swept under the rug for too long, causing generations of women to feel shameful about it. I am happy to see these topics manifest in all my favorite blogs, news feeds, social media, etc. The community it’s created has connected so many women who are suffering in isolation.

On the other hand, this post made me depressed. I was just telling my husband last night I’m starting to have “fertility anxiety.” I feel like I can’t go one day without reading about how someone is struggling to get pregnant and I’m starting to get really stressed out about this happening to me. Anyone else?

I’m 31 and we want to have kids in a few years. It wouldn’t be bad if it happened now but we’re not ready and would like to wait. I’m healthly with no history of infertility in my family. Plenty of my friends and coworkers have had kids through their late 30s-40 with no problems so I try to tell myself to relax. I don’t mind being an older parent.

I don’t know if I should just chill out and wait like I want to. Or maybe, more people than I think struggle with infertility and I should start now just in case?! Is it media distortion or a legit concern? My friends who all got pregnant 10 years ago love to tell me my eggs are dying every second! I’ve got an angel and devil on my shoulder, shouting in both ears. Can’t come to a conclusion on what to do.

We’ve been trying for 10 months. Low AMH, two rounds of letrozole, two IUIs, no success. I have what is called “pre-unexplained infertility.” But once we reach a year, it will just be infertility, and when we get there, we will start a first round of IVF. I’m only 31. No one thinks they will be the unsuccessful statistic, and I think I’m still in shock that I am one of those people. I’m lucky that we still have the option — both financially and medically — to do IVF, and my fertility doctor is absolutely confident it will work, but I feel so alone. Thank you for sharing this and helping me not feel so alone in this journey.

Thank you so much for sharing! I was also diagnosed with diminished ovarian reserve when I was 30, and my husband and I spent the following 3 years in and out of fertility clinics. The whole process was maddening and crushing and OMG so expensive! It is difficult for people who don’t have first-hand experience with infertility to understand how hard it really is. There were a lot of unhelpful/hurtful comments, but what helped was having friends who would listen and validate my feelings. Sometimes the best thing you can say to someone is “I’m so sorry. That really sucks.” I’m almost 35 now, and with the help of an egg donor we now have a spunky, adorable one year old little girl. The struggle to build a family was the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced, but I would do it all over again. Big hugs to everyone, and good luck on your own journeys!

Oh, how I relate to the “unhelpful advice”. I heard it all during my 6 I.V.F.s (Try to relax, stop thinking about it, eat more of this, eat less of that, etc). I loved advice grounded in data though (I’m a scientist) (ie, trying acupuncture, baby aspirin, etc), but the “just relax” people… I wanted to scream.
My message to you: Don’t lose hope! My miracle baby was my 6th I.V.F., after 5 yrs of trying and I would do it all over again. He’s 6 now, and then just last week, the adoption agency I opened a file with, 8 yrs ago, called me with the news of a baby girl. I couldn’t go through with it, I am now divorced and my family situation has changed, but the point is, there are multiple ways of becoming a mother to a child. During all those years of trying, I felt like a mother without a baby. It’s cruel, it’s painful, and it’s unfair. What we go through during those years is devastating. But there is hope. Whether it’s fertility treatment or adoption, the roads can lead to motherhood, if your heart is open to both possibilities. I wish for your dream to come true and I will keep you in my thoughts. Xoxo

I hope you reclassify this as motherhood, not design. Fighting to build a family is a deeply maternal act, and if for some reason it does not happen for this couple, this is still part of her motherhood journey.

My wife and I have been married for almost 5 years and went through several rounds of IUI with a miscarriage sprinkled in there. I second the comments I’ve seen about the need for a deeper discussion about this among queer couples or couples that need egg or sperm donors. The cost of IUI and IVF is astronomical as-is, then factor in the cost of potential “specimen” each time. Not to mention how stressful timing becomes in these circumstances. For example, through the California Cryobank (one of the most well-regarded banks in the US) You have to pick the specimen up between 9:30-4 during the week, although the cryobank is open for calls at 6:30. Then you have to ensure you are picking it up within 5 days of ovulating etc.

I’ll leave it at that, but it really becomes such a stressful experience and at the end of the day feels like you are burning money. Add this to your existing infertility woes and it’s ROUGH.

I too experienced unexplained infertility years ago. I did successfully have one child (would’ve liked two, but wasn’t in the cards.) I’m not wanting to give unsolicited advice, but posting here for those reading the comments & going through it now. My new doctor has done a ton of research on thong underwear & she is convinced that there is a strong link between unexplained infertility & wearing thong underwear. I haven’t looked into this further because I am no longer in that life stage, but she also recommends women entering peri-menopause/menopause not wear thongs. I guess infections etc. can happen, that don’t really show symptoms, but can effect ph etc. I’ve stopped wearing thongs. Obviously I understand that there are much bigger issues that a lot of women are facing, but for me, it was just unexplained. All test results came back “normal.” I definitely would’ve tried switching undies to help. My doc has anecdotes of women who’ve had to undergo rounds of antibiotics to clear up issues they weren’t aware of (causing a hostile environment) and were then able to get pregnant. I don’t want to downplay the larger issues, but I know I was desperate for info/options/answers when we were trying to get pregnant. Maybe this will help someone!?

This blog feels so much like a Home for all women; it truly is beautiful. I’m sending a hug to all of you and I am just feeling the sisterhood.

This made me tear up. All so relatable, especially that unhelpful advice not to stress. I cannot count the number of people who told me if I weren’t so stressed, I’d magically get pregnant. (In contrast, I had a lovely friend once rage that women got pregnant in war zones, so stress probably wasn’t the culprit.) I finally did manage to get pregnant during one of the most stressful periods of my life–adjusting to living in a new country while grieving the death of my father. For all those women out there being proscribed deep breathing, yoga, and essential oils, you can tell them I said to suck it.

Going through this now, all of it. No one understands, but by sharing—stuff like this post and in our daily lives—we push the needle toward compassion and understanding and away from shame and isolation. Infertility is not just about having to wait longer for a baby. It’s an enormous loss experienced many times over. It’s about universal human experiences like grief and helplessness and uncertainty and feeling left out. I think once people realize that people dealing with infertility are grieving, the closer we get to understanding how to support them.

Thank you for opening up conversation about such a difficult and seldom talked about topic in public. My husband and I also struggled with infertility. We were married for 2 years when we started trying. A year passed and I was diagnosed with PCOS. I tried Clomid for 5 months without success. Then my husband was unexpectedly diagnosed with Hodgkin’s lymphoma and our attention shifted to his treatment and health. Blessedly, he achieved remission after 6 months of chemo and is nearing 3 years cancer free now! We resumed trying 2 years ago, this time with Femara and five IUIs, again with no luck. We ended up having a positive pregnancy test completely randomly, without any intervention, on Christmas Day 2018. We were absolutely over the moon — our little Christmas miracle. Unfortunately, I miscarried 2 weeks later and the devastation that follows ensued. I was most surprised by how after weeks had passed, I would feel back to myself one day, and then the next I would be filled with sadness again. Then in March, we met with a reproductive endocrinologist, ready to start IVF. The next week, I found out I was pregnant again, once again without any intervention. Words cannot describe the mixed emotion of excitement and trepidation that consumes you all at once. Even now at 16 weeks, after having several normal ultrasounds and genetic testing, there is not a day that goes by where part of me doesn’t worry. After so much struggle, it is so hard to trust that it might just work out. But one thing that has helped me is keeping perspective. My husband’s cancer diagnosed us drew us even closer together than I could have imagined and has made me realize what is most important to me in life. And when I start to worry about our future kiddos, I try and focus on the many blessings that I do have. Right now. In this moment. Because as Jessica says, “All I know is that we are in this together”.

Jessica, this is beautiful. Thank you.

I’m in my first round of IVF now (after eight years of other fertility treatments — yes, I know we should have done this years ago). I had my egg retrieval last Wednesday, and find out tomorrow how many embryos made it to day five to be sent on for PGS testing and transfer next month. I’m of course reading fertility forums at all times that I’m not working.

A postscript to my earlier comment, for those trying to conceive outside IVF: I really recommend An Impatient Woman’s Guide to Getting Pregnant. The ovulation monitor she describes is incredibly helpful and takes away the guesswork.

T, that is beautiful and powerful. Thank you. And thank you for sharing, Amanda. The vulnerability and love on Cup of Jo is inspiring.

My heart goes out to all of you with infertility issues.

After 4 consecutive miscarriages in one year, I’m 19 weeks pregnant with #2 (of course our first was conceived on the first try). I wish more people talked about secondary infertility. We waited awhile to try for #2, so even though I knew that it was possible that it would be harder to get pregnant, I had no idea that there was even a term for it.
Now at 19 weeks, the lingering issue for me is not getting too attached to this pregnancy because I’m so aware of all the things that can go wrong. And I’m incredibly mad at infertility for taking away the joy that I should be feeling. I’m hoping I start to get more excited if the anatomy scan next week is good. But right now anyone who makes comments that imply that it’s a given that this pregnancy will result in a healthy child makes me very anxious.

Thank you, Jessica, for sharing your story with such grace and honesty. This was nearly identical to my own story. Sending you much love and a heartfelt hug.

Infertility is an emotional roller coaster that always has you teetering on the edge of hope or utter devastation. It taunts you with pregnant co-workers and friends. It makes you hormonal, angry, jealous, and robs you of your joy. It takes away the comfort you once felt from thinking “all will be well and work out.” It hardens you because on one hand, you feel so much, but on the other, it seems dangerous to feel anything at all. Any bodily symptoms or feelings become grounds for a never ending Google search. You spend endless amounts of money on doctor’s visits, supplements, and vitamins. Your poor partner has to provide a sample in a sad, gross room in a doctor’s office. You stop drinking coffee, but by year 3, you think “screw it,” I need this to keep me sane. Not to mention the loneliness. As Cheryl Strayed wisely said “acceptance is a small, quiet room.” Meanwhile, people innocently ask “have you ever thought of adoption?” or regale tales of their friends and acquaintances who became pregnant immediately after adopting, or standing on their heads after sex, or eating pineapple during ovulation, or JUST RELAXING. Because yes, that’s what I’ll do, just relax. Why didn’t I think of that? Oh God, but if I could…. Sometimes I think infertility is just insanity – watching the calendar, scheduling sex, doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result (Einstein once said that was the definition of insanity itself), telling yourself that your breasts or sore and it must be implantation bleeding, but feeling complete and utter loss when your period comes and you have to keep pretending like you’re fine and a normal person even though you want to scream and cry and lose your shit, but you can’t because there’s work and your partner and life keeps going on. Plus, there’s always next month, right?

After 15 months of trying, charting, and a sperm test, this procedure also worked for me, immediately. Granted it has little to do with hormones/AMH, but if there is someone reading this article who may benefit from the information, I’m all for sharing. Those 14 months of trying were awful, and even when I did get pregnant it had zapped out all the joy of early pregnancy since by then I had read EVERYTHING and knew way too much about how common miscarriages actually are. I was blown away by how kind the nurse team was doing the procedure – my first glimpse into the amazingness of nurses.

I am sorry so many of you are going through this and wish positive outcomes for you. I have twins and have befriended some incredible women who also have twins. These women would not take no for an answer in trying to build their families and more than one has told me things along the lines of, “We’re paying off our college loans in addition to the cost of assisted reproduction. We live in a tiny rental. But we have our kids and that is worth everything.”

The side of this that not a lot of people talk about are the women that want all these things (relationships, babies, marriage) and do not even get to try. I think sometimes that can be just as hard as trying can be. After many years of difficult, and failed relationships-no partner, no marriage, and probably no baby. It is almost like everything is all mapped out and basically decided for you without you controlling any of it. Spending years with someone, hoping they were the one, and thinking you would have time to make these choices, only to break it off after years. It is hard to meet someone, and it is even harder to watch things slip away from you that should be choices, but aren’t.