Relationship Question: Are You Similar or Opposites?

I honestly can’t decided if my partner and I are opposites or the same. On one hand, we both love staying at home, watching funny TV shows + superhero movies, and eating food together. On the other, we’re also very opposite.

For example, he likes savoury foods whereas I have a huge sweet tooth, he’s a math whiz and I prefer to write my numbers as words because I despise math as much as I love words (which is a lot), and I am a collector of collections, where he is content with only the necessities, IF that.

Whatever we are, we have an amazing relationship and both genuinely love spending every moment that we can together, so I don’t mind either way. I’ve certainly never had a relationship or a friendship that I have loved as much as this one, and we’re still going strong five years later!

My husband and I are complete opposites. I’ve been obsessing over finding out that I am an INTJ personality type – http://www.16personalities.com is just insane in describing who you are as a person! Last night I was reading the relationship section and it says that though Intuitive (N) types are uncommon it is essential for my personality type with one or two balancing traits of either Extraversion (E), Feeling (F), or Prospecting (P). My husband is a Campaigner – EFNP – I couldn’t have a more perfect match!

My relationship is a little non-traditional. I actually started dating my current partner when we were young teenagers, and we’re 28 now – without a single break! While we’ve both changed a ton since we were young, we’ve been lucky in that we’ve evolved and grown together over the years, and he really feels like another half of me at this point (despite that, no plans for marriage, ha!). We’re extremely similar in most ways – a little bit contemptuous, a constant need for humor, and a desire for equal parts relaxation and socialization during our free time. I actually can’t imagine not being in a relationship where I can look at my partner and know what he’s thinking and feeling because I’m probably thinking and feeling the same.

Complete opposites. I inhabit the emotional realm. I cannot fix anything and I will never have any keen sense of spatial relations. My husband is the type of person who will take apart our dryer because he wants to understand precisely how it works. His world is black and white and I inhabit the grey area. I believe in many ways that opposites attract for a reason and after being married for 14 years, have come to realize that we often choose our partners because we are trying to heal something within ourselves or we are aiming to grow. If I had chosen someone just like me, I wouldn’t necessarily experience growth and vice versa. Sure, it makes the times when are having difficulty a bit tougher (sometimes I wonder if we are living on different planets), but in our differences we nudge one another toward our truer selves.

I was just thinking this morning how “on paper” my husband and I would never match. We come from very different backgrounds, different personality types, and different ways to react to things. But our core values align and that’s what makes things work along w the fact that opposites can really work well if you play the positives!

My husband and I are opposites in many ways but similar enough to both love it. I’m an introvert and spend a lot of time in my head. He’s an extrovert and life of the party. I help him enjoy the little, quiet parts of life, and he encourages me to have fun and keeps me from entering full hermit mode. I’m serious, reflective and make decisions by following my heart. He’s silly, a total jokester and extremely logical. If we were more similar, my life would be less filled with laughter, adventure, and carefully measured decisions. We both crave new experiences and embrace the challenge of working together to better understand the flip side of the coin. Life together is a total adventure and we love it!

A few years ago, I had a boyfriend who, on paper, was exactly right for me- very similar interests, similar personalities, similar senses of humour. It was great in many ways, but also made me feel really stifled- I didn’t feel like I was learning or growing within the relationship- and it made me unhappy enough that I broke it off. Everyone was SO shocked- my mum had thought that he was The One for me, but I’ve since found that I’m much happier dating guys who are similar-ish (must like books and wine and food!) but different enough that we both learn and grow within the relationship.

Also, one observation from a marriage of identical MBTI types: there is a real danger of transferring your dissatisfaction or irritation with yourself into your partner! My husband and I sometimes find each other saying, “Ugh, YOU can’t be the one who does that! I’M the one who does that!”

I love talking about relationship dynamics and personality tests. I think my husband and I are similar to you and Alex, except that I’m the worrier and planner but also the introvert.

My partner and I are sooooo different in so many ways!! We come from way different cultures. (India vs US)
He loves going out with his friends and at weddings will dance till 3am. (I’d prefer to just eat the cake and chill) He talks to his friends on the phone constantly (I’m more of a texter) And he’s not afraid to ask for anything he wants which I admire. He’s my grounding force when I get too much in my head. We’re both independent but in different ways too. He’s always lived with his family (cultural tradition) and has been their main financial support and I’ve lived on my own. I love traveling alone and going on adventures and he’s afraid of flying which is when I become the calm, grounding force in the relationship. We both love movies but of way different genres (and languages). He hates reading (unless it’s for work) and I looove it! The cool thing is at the end of the day we make each other laugh a ton because we’re both total goofballs especially when it’s just the two of us!

I’ll never forget the paper I wrote in 6th grade comparing and contrasting my own mom and dad. When the teacher asked us to pick 2 things to write about for a “compare/contrast” paper the first example that came to mind were my parents. They were sooo different behind the scenes that it made for the easiest topic I’ll ever remember writing a paper on. Fast forward 30 years later, and here I am, married to someone I feel is the total yin to my yang… just like mom and dad.

As I’ve known my husband for 15 years now, so much of life has happened that has led to personal growth — kids, career roller coasters, spiritual awakenings, and relocations, just to name a few — it’s become so evident that in the beginning, during young love, we focused on what was similar on the surface, but now it’s so easy to see what’s different underneath.

I’ve also realized that some of the similarities that brought us together have now turned into sources of disputes that we didn’t think would, e.g. both Christians, yet one is Catholic and one Protestant thus leading to bickering every weekend over which church to attend. We were once both Obama supporters, yet in the past election we each voted differently. It has been quite a challenging journey and to be honest I do wonder how life would be if we were more the same and I do question our differences.

But I remember the vows I took 10 years ago when I chose this partner to share my life with, and to create life with: “For better or for worse”…. and: “Love is patient”… also:  “Quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry”. Because life is going to keep happening, and 15 more years are going to pass, and maybe in keeping to our vows of unconditional love and being patient and always listening, our children will see us and be better equipped to navigate life with all its turns, alongside a partner that will not always be on the same page. Thank you mom and dad.

My husband is really laid back and thinks things and people are good enough the way they are. He doesn’t care much what other people think of him. I’m anxious and perfectionistic and sometimes suspicious of others and nervous about what people think of me. So he helps me relax, enjoy life, and appreciate what we already have, and I help him to keep moving forward and growing. One area where our differences create a struggle is, where I like to skirt over the surface of lots of different topics and interests without settling deep into any one, he gets really intense about one interest at a time and digs in to the point of obsession. That makes it hard to talk to each other sometimes, but we are finding our way. We’re both introverts, so we give each other the space and alone time we need. I would die to protect him, and he’d do the same for me, I know it.

Maybe it has something to do with what kind of dynamic was modeled by your parents. My mum was straight-laced and my dad was a bit of a rebel/hippy, both introverts but in different ways. So it turns out that my sister, who is as wonderfully straight as an arrow, chooses a partner who is a massage therapist/acupuncturist/hippy type (both introverts in different ways). While I’m more of a hippy/creative type who married someone more straight laced and traditional (both introverts in different ways!). It works, and I suspect it works because that’s how we understand relationships,l based on what was modelled. Who knows!

This sounds odd, but when I get myself super upset about something stupid, my even-keel husband will make a hilariously clever but utterly inappropriate joke about it and instantly dissolve into uncontrollable laughter. This has happened about four times in 20+ years, and every single time I gasp in shock and then we’re laughing so hard together that I’m instantly over being upset. It provides immediate perspective. I would never in a million years have told you that this would be one of his most endearing qualities, but damn, this man understands me to my core and gets right to the heart of it.

Bevor even reading the post I have to comment on how much I love the pic of Bey n Jay and that you chose it!

My husband and I are a good match for one another. We compliment each other in many ways, but also offer balance and perspective since we are not identical. I’m an INFJ, and am a highly sensitive person; I am deeply empathetic and tend to get overwhelmed by sensory experiences, and my emotions can sometimes be crippling. I manage ADHD, serious anxiety, and depression, as does my husband, minus the depression. I can’t tell you what a blessing it is to be with someone who understands my mental health issues and doesn’t blame me or stigmatize me for them (my previous boyfriend did). My husband gives me space to breathe and time to process, even though he himself can be very impulsive. He’s an INTP: although he can be spontaneous, he works very hard at being risk-adverse and spends a lot of time researching things before making decisions. He is rational where I’m emotional, and he helps me see through the fog of all my feelings.

As helpful as it is to know where we fall on the Meyers Briggs scale, what has been more helpful to me in truly knowing and seeing him has been learning more about his childhood and how he was raised. I can be very passionate about things, but when I talk about those things that make me feel deeply, he tends to shut down and ask me to calm down or can we talk about this later, which makes me upset because I’m trying to share my soul with him. After a few fights about it, I came to understand that when I get into one of my passionate talks, he views me as getting aggressive, and he grew up with a father who was unpredictable and volatile, so when he feels my voice and energy change, he gets uncomfortable because to him it triggers back to childhood memories of being cornered. Once I learned that about him, it helped me to know how to talk to him about things that are important to me but doing so in a way that doesn’t feel abusive to him, because I certainly don’t want him to feel bullied by me. But man did it make me angry when he told me to “calm down” – I can’t handle a man telling me that EVER because to me it means they just want me to be happy and smiley all the time, which I am not. I feel too many feels to only be happy!!

Ultimately our relationship works because we are patient with and respect one another. I wish he’d open up more so I could learn even more about him, but I’m okay with taking it as it comes.

People always thought I would end up with someone artsy or musical, on paper that seemed to really match up in reality it was nothing short of a disaster. My husband and I are both introverts but in varying levels and style. He is an outgoing introvert and I am a shy introverted feeler but extroverted thinker and part Italian so when I am not feeling shy I can talk quite a lot. I worried we wouldn’t be able to find shared interests together (he loves sports and I am more artsy, book reader) but it has been fine. I realized working on art projects was something I wanted to do as an introvert not as a couple. We have the same core values for life, marriage and parenting. We have complete opposite upbringings though. I grew up with first generation Sicilian and Puerto Rican immigrants for grandparents so my food culture is vastly different from my husbands more American family.

My husband and I are a little of both! Sometimes I feel like we’re the exact same and every so often I realize we couldn’t be more different. He’s an ENFP and I’m an INFP, and we’re both heart types on the Enneagram (he’s a 3w2 and I’m a 4w5), so the way we perceive the world is very similar, but the way we handle what we perceive is very different. It’s fascinating! And keeps things fun! (And keeps me feeling emotionally safe at parties while he’s actively working the room and I have the freedom to just sit on the couch or silently cling to his arm!)

I’ve learned that keeping an open mind and heart is extremely important.
Just when I think he’s DEFINITELY going to agree with me, he presents an opposing thought, and sometimes I’m thrown for a loop! Then I have to remember A) how much he REALLY DOES LOVE ME — it’s not personal and B) WE’RE DIFFERENT PEOPLE — his opinion/thought process/approach matters just as much as mine! It’s a fun journey.