Help! A Parenting Question

We were so excited to tell our 4 year old daughter she was getting a second sibling but waited until almost 20 weeks as we had miscarried a few months before at 13 weeks and were so afraid to give her news and then un-tell her (thankfully we didn’t tell her the first time). She is so ‘with-it’ and my belly was huge so we thought she’d already noticed. We started with ‘something big an exciting is happening for our family,’ and she interrupted and said ‘yeah, I already know that.’ We both thought ‘yes of course she does.’ Then she continued ‘the exciting thing for our family is that it’s almost Easter!!!! I already knew!!’ Girlfriend was so excited for Easter and the upcoming chocolate that when we revealed to her about the baby it already played second fiddle and she said ‘oh okay, can we talk more about Easter now?’ Oh, the priorities of a four year old.

I’d just tell him! Kids pick up on things and you’d be amazed at how caring they become. We struggled with secondary infertility and I know my daughter could sense our sadness, tension and fights. So she knew almost immediately after we got pregnant via IVF. We gave her an event she could relate to (baby will be here around Thanksgiving, so after it gets cold and snowy) and that puts it in a way she won’t ask constantly. I’ve also let her help me decorate the baby’s room- at age 4 she’s such a wonderful helper and I’m glad I could share this journey with her. I bet you’ll feel the same with your son ❤️

I understand your concern, your Jasper is the most important and most amazing thing to happen to your family and you want him to know he will will never come second in your heart. I think go with his first asking for a sibling. Tell him he is going to get one and that they are going to love him soooo much! Pick out a gift for Jasper (from the baby) to give to him when he first meets his sibling. Know that you will make time for him when the baby comes. Let him see you put the baby down in a bouncy chair or safely on a play mat near the two of you but dedicate that time for just you and Jasper. Let Jasper help as much as he can and open up his world to loving a sibling as much as he loves you and your husband. Congratulations!

You are definitely overthinking it!

We told our older son that we were expecting #2 when he was barely 3. Us, excitedly: “Hey, do you want a little brother or little sister?” Him, flatly: “No.” But he came around to the idea pretty fast, and we have the *sweetest* photo of bringing the new baby home where the baby is in his car seat (we had JUST walked in the front door) making a confused newborn face while his big brother “shows him my toys!!!!” with great enthusiasm.

Read Peaceful Parents Happy Siblings! I’m not a huge parenting-book-reader but this one was easy to follow and super helpful. I didn’t read it until after our 2nd baby was born and our 4 year old was having some trouble and wished I’d read it before.

Sounds like your son will be so excited! We have three kids, never made a big deal about adding the second or third, and the kids were cute and curious but not too worried about it. I’d say don’t worry, don’t overthink, just say, yeah! Let’s get you a sibling after Christmas. :)

I highly recommend bringing Jasper to your OB/midwife appointments. That was one of my favorite things for my daughter when I was pregnant. She was 2 and the midwife made the appointment all about her being a big sister, a big helper, and listening to the thumpthumpthump. It was a very sweet time.

My girls are 22 months apart, and when my second daughter was born I was worried about making my older daughter feel jealous or replaced. I feel like being so worried I, in some ways, missed out on enjoying as much newborn cuddles and sweetness as I should have had with my second baby. I still feel a bit of guilt and regret about it and she will be 2 this winter.

I say celebrate the arrival, share the happy news. You are in for a wild ride with two kiddos, but it sure is wonderful watching their sibling relationship grow. Good luck, mama!

We just told our two year old a few weeks ago and I was definitely more nervous to tell him than anyone else. I feel you!

We sat at the dining table and my husband told my son that we had a surprise. When we revealed the news, he climbed out of his high chair to immediately lift up my shirt to see my belly and said “baby, come out!” Every now and then he brings it up but I think it does make him slightly uncomfortable. I played the heartbeat for him and he was not a fan. We have six months to go so we’re trying to be pretty casual about it for now. Good luck!

We told just 2 year old son there was a new baby coming and the first thing out of his mouth was, “I know.” He was excited (naming our daughter Fat Caterpillar after The Very Hungry Caterpillar) and telling other he was having a sister before we even knew we were having a girl. Unfortunately, our daughter Valentine had a genetic defect and died at 21 weeks gestation. I understand the fear of telling your son. Any age seems too early for possibly having to tell your child their baby died. But they are smart. And intuitive. He probably knows more than you realize.
We are expecting again and our son knows again (like a mind reading, almost 3 year old ninja!) and with our anxiety through the roof, we are trying to be as honest as possible. It seems to work best for our guy!
Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy. Babies are a true blessing.

Little Miss, Big Sis is an adorable book for a little girl who is about to get a sibling. My five year old loved it! I highly recommend it!

Mine are only 17 months apart and I worried and worried about how to tell my then-still-not-yet-verbal son (practically still a baby himself) about his sister’s imminent arrival. I was constantly googling how to prepare older siblings and all the advice seemed directed to preschoolers or at least older toddlers. I ended up doing it early and often–although of course I’m not sure it soaked in at all until she got here and also since he was still pre-verbal for the majority of my pregnancy (and honestly only had a handful of words that only myself and my husband understood once she was born) so there was no risk that he’d “let the cat out of the bag” before I was ready for the news to be public. I ended up on bedrest at the end of my pregnancy and then my daughter came early so I think for him the biggest impact was just that mama wasn’t as available for him (and wasn’t allowed to pick him up because of pre-term labor and then afterwards because of a csection) for those 2-3 months rather than the impact of a new family member. It was really hard (maybe more so on me than on him) and I wouldn’t have ever thought to prepare him for that aspect (nor do I know how I would have).

I’m following the conversation though because I don’t know how I’ll handle the news-telling to our son and daughter when/if we (hopefully) have a third.

what wonderful news! our daughter was 2 when we told her so i think it made it easier since she was so young. but one thing i remember that i think would be helpful for any young child is not to place too much emphasis on one big reveal. give it importance, of course, but kids so often take things in over time and then one day it all clicks. another thing i have such a clear memory of is feeling a little sad that our family of 3 had changed – of course we were over the moon in love with our new son but it was different. i think giving yourself permission to feel that way helps and then of course one day we just were 4 and no longer 3 and that wistful feeling was gone. good luck and congratulations!!

My son is 3.5 and I am 18 weeks pregnant. We told our son about his future sibling when I was around 15 weeks. We bought him a book “You are going to be a big brother” and read it to him and then told him. Honestly he didn’t have much of a reaction. As the weeks have passed it has been pretty cute because he now wants to kiss the baby (my stomach). He doesn’t really bring it up much, it doesn’t affect his day to day life. Every now and then I tell him that I went to the doctor and got to hear the baby’s heart beat. Then he says he wants a baby sister and we discuss names. I am a little worried that the baby will be a boy and he will be disappointed, but we will deal with that! Our lives have continued as normal, we don’t focus much on the baby, so it really still feels like it is just the three of us. It was hard for me to decide when to tell him because I was worried that something would happen to the baby, or might still, and he would be sad. But the truth is, if something happens then he would know from my husband and I’s reactions and feelings. We wouldn’t be able to hide that, or want to. Also, I think that although he vaguely understands that there is a baby, it isn’t a real thing for him, and won’t be until it is born. Like others have said, tell him when you feel comfortable, but it really feels good to tell and not have it hanging around your head worrying you! If he already wants a sibling he will probably be thrilled! But then will probably move on with his life. :)

Sounds like he will take the news easily if he’s already asking for a brother or sister and saying how he will take care of it.

I had my first child, our daughter, at 38. We struggled to get pregnant with #2. MY OB told me that if we were able to get pregnant again (which we wouldn’t, without donor eggs and IVF according to her), we would miscarry. I got pregnant at 40. We knew that the odds of us being able to get pregnant again were probably zero and because we were told that we would miscarry, we didn’t want to prepare our daughter for a sibling that she would never have – we wouldn’t have another chance. At 8 months pregnant, we finally told her. She has just turned 3. A month later her little brother was born. I was 41. And half. She’s 6 now and my son is 3.

Even though it feels like when you tell your son you’ll “loose” something: the bubble of the three of you, his feeling of being your baby, etc. You will gain a lot. I am pregnant with my 3rd and both times I told my other children when I entered my second trimester (and they were both about 2 years old). We sat them down and told them that there was going to be a change and about the baby and being “big sisters”. We bought books (“The Baby Tree” is great but there is also the simple “I’m a Big Brother/ Sister”, plus “Babies Ruin Everything”). And once they knew we are able to incorporate them. We ask them if they think it will be a girl or a boy, or what names they like. They talk to the baby and kiss the baby good night. They start getting involved which is special. One other recommendation: make a picture baby book for your oldest. For each girl when I told them about the new baby I had a picture book of baby photos from their first year (starting with me pregnant with them, then their birth, etc). That connects them to the experience and reminds them that they are special too.

We told our daughter (who was around 2 at the time) as soon as we started telling other people. We knew she’d pick up on it and preferred that she hear from us than from deducing it from overhearing other conversations or having somebody mistakenly ask her about it.

Awww, congrats! with so much great advice in the comments, i’m sure you’ll figure out the right way to tell him, and it will all work out great!

would love to see a post on telling young children that you are adopting a sibling…the adoption process is much less predictable and I really struggled with how and when to let my daughter know we were adopting. In line with all the comments that people have shared that kids know more than we give them credit for, one day when she was 4 she just started asking me when we were getting ‘our baby’ . I went with this opening and told her that we were waiting for a baby but didn’t know how long we’d have to wait, and we’d have to be patient.

Over the next year, we didn’t share any details with her on the 8 (!!!) times we were presented only to not get chosen. It was a tough emotional roller coaster and maybe she noticed something but it never came up in an explicit way. She did continually ask when the baby was coming and it was so difficult to not have answers! We finally did tell her when we were officially matched but it was still risky as the baby was born but the birthmother hadn’t signed the papers yet. We endured a looong 2 weeks waiting for paperwork, with my older daughter so excited while my husband and I were gray with worry over whether or not the adoption would go through. Finally brought home a little sister and now our family line is, we had to wait a long time, but we got the perfect baby for us!

These stories always make my heart ache as I remember preparing our 3-year-old son to meet his baby sister, who was then stillborn at full term. I have since resented those preparatory kids’ stories we read to him about welcoming a new baby into the family. I remember finding one of these books when I was packing away all of the unused baby things and feeling so angry that we had “lied” to our son about the certainty of future events, something we just couldn’t know for certain. I realise this doesn’t mean you prepare kids for all of the unlikely eventualities! Too much for their brains and hearts. But it does make me grieve afresh that my son didn’t get to enjoy the blessings (and frustrations) of a promised sibling.

I’m sorry if this comment is totally inappropriate in the context of this article. It is wondrous, miraculous news that you have your second on his/her way. Your family has already grown, your son is already a brother, you are already Mom to this precious little one. All the best for his/her arrival!

I am also expecting my second baby, and my first will be 2 soon. We started out with asking our daughter if she wanted a baby brother or sister, to which she keeps saying “No.” Very matter of fact lol. But I agree with many other women here that it’s best just to tell him. It also sounds like he really wants a baby sibling, so the news will make him so happy!

My younger brother was born when I was 3.5. I actually have a vague memory of my mom talking to me very seriously beforehand and giving me a cushion she sewed, with a picture of a teddy bear on one side and a baby on the other. The funniest thing is, I can remember how I felt at the time, like, “Huh, that was a bit strange and new, nice cushion, cool!” I asked her about it as an adult and she said she had been worried that I would have a hard time with the new baby because I was a little older and was used to being the baby (I have an older brother too). So she sat me down and told me I’d always be her little girl, she’d always love me the same, etc. I think it’s so sweet that she did that and it made enough of an impression on me that it is one of my earliest memories.