Relationships

The Thing That Has Surprised Me Most About My Marriage

The Thing That Has Surprised Me Most About My Marriage

Alex and I have now been married for almost eight years, and one thing has been different from what I had expected…

We have never gone to bed at the same time. Literally, not a single time!

It sounds funny to write it out, but it’s so normal to me now. It all started because we have really different sleep patterns. I pass out as soon as my head hits the pillow, but Alex is a night owl and has always taken forever to wind down. “In 10 years, I’ve never seen you not nod off within five minutes — usually a minute,” Alex told me. “The last thing you want is my tossing and turning for an hour. Better for me to tiptoe out, and come back when you’re conked. ”

So, we generally go to bed an hour apart every night. Is it weird? I used to wonder. Are we just supposed to wave goodnight in the living room?

But then we figured out our own nightly ritual. As I’ve mentioned, when I get sleepy around 10:30 p.m., I’ll brush my teeth and wash my face, and Alex will come tuck me in. We’ll replay funny things the boys said and talk about our days, and he’ll rub my back or play with my hair. It’s such a romantic time and has become one of my favorite parts of the day.

Then Alex will get up, and for the next hour, he’ll listen to music, read books or watch WWII documentaries. Plus, he cherishes that quiet time by himself. “As an introvert, I need alone time as much as you need social time,” he told me. “Sometimes I just need to sit by the window and watch the late-night dog walkers go by, or watch the traffic light turn from green to red, green to red. I don’t do yoga or meditation; I do this instead.”

It’s funny, marriage seems to have all these norms and expectations, but at the end of the day, you just figure out what works best for the two of you. Done and done.

And for any tough sleepers, this made me laugh:

The Thing That Has Surprised Me Most About My Marriage

Do you go to bed at the same time as your partner, or not at all? What has surprised you about your relationship (or past relationships)?

P.S. Scheduling sex, and what marriage means.

  1. Kate says...

    My partner also tucks me in every night. I wish he would stay and cuddle for a bit but the ritual is nice, sometimes he puts lotion on my back. For the first few months I had slightly resented the change in our routine but recently we had to go to bed at the same time for a few nights in a row and I found I fell asleep much easier without him taking up half the bed. I also think knowing someone is awake in the next room makes me feel safer than having him asleep beside me.

  2. My partner and I are very different, and often spend a lot of time away from each other due to conflicting schedules and/or interest in different activities (for example, he lives in the office and I enjoy baking in the kitchen), but at night we do everything together.

    We eat dinner together, brush our teeth, and go to sleep together every single night. We have a routine of saving cute animal photos and videos that we see online to show each other when we get into bed, and then we’ll watch some funny things on YouTube before sleeping. He often works late nights, but I always wait up for him no matter what. It’s one of our favourite parts of the day.

    Indya || http://www.thesmalladventurer.blogspot.com.au/

  3. R says...

    I think the key is that he “tucks her in”…my ex would never do this. I could deal with the different sleep schedules if he would just spend some time with me before I fell asleep. I used to ask all the time. He couldn’t do it. Makes me sad. And he wonders why we’re no longer together…

  4. Missy says...

    I must have missed this when it was posted. I’m so glad I saw it! My partner and I have such opposite sleep schedules. His job allows more flexibility and mine is a strict 9-5 therefore our hours of sleep are vastly different. He can stay up so late (we’re talking 3-4am) and I’m in bed by 10 (at the very latest). At times I struggle and hope to be a “normal” couple that goes to bed together. But I’ve learned to accept this and move on. It’s who we are! Also I secretly love the time I have the bed to myself….all that room to spread out lol

  5. We have been married for 35 years now and we have allways been going to bed the same time. I fall a sleep after 10 min. My husband reads for an hour. We found that the best time to cuddle and have sex is when we both go to bed earlier. When i’m a sleep he gets the time to read.

  6. Rue says...

    This makes me so happy! I’m in a new relationship, and we’ve already noticed a difference in sleep patterns. It’s not a big deal yet since we don’t live together, but he confessed he’s felt unhappy in previous relationships when his partner has pressured him to go to bed early so they can fall asleep together. I agreed that that would drive me nuts if I were in his shoes, but I wasn’t sure how to reconcile that with still wanting that sweet pre-bed time together!

  7. Marriage is interesting; all about coping and getting used to one another I guess

  8. We never went to bed at the same time and rarely even ended up sleeping in the same bed. I get tucked in a lot and he heads to another room to watch his tv shows, listen to music, or just stay up late. He now works at night and that has seamlessly fit into our schedule as he leaves just when we’re going to bed. I know people think it’s weird when they find out we don’t sleep in the same bed, but it’s what works for us. I love hearing about quirks other couples have.

    • Missy says...

      Same. My partner sleeps on the couch more times than not just because that’s how it happens. Sometimes he’ll crawl into bed at 5am and wake me up, which is not always pleasant lol

  9. My wife and I usually go to bed at the same time, unless one of us has to work late. Once the light goes off, we both pass out within minutes.

  10. This sounds like our nightly ritual! We both work in the food industry but have opposite schedules – I get up at 3am for work and he sometimes doesn’t get home until 1am! The nights when we are both home though, we’ll usually be cuddled up on the couch together and around 8pm he’ll nudge me and tell me to get to bed. So I’ll brush my teeth, wash my face, etc, and then I’ll go grab him and say “Okay, I’m going to bed!” Then he tucks me in and we chat for a few minutes and kiss goodnight, and he goes back out into the living room to watch tv or play video games. We’ve been doing it for years and it totally works for us. He appreciates some alone time, and I get to read a few pages before conking out, without anyone complaining about the light being on ;) I don’t think it’s weird at all! As long as it works for both of you, nothing to worry about.

  11. My husband and I have a similar ritual. I work 9-5 and he’s a bartender so we’re naturally on different sleep schedules. When I’m ready to go to sleep, he’ll come spend a little time in bed with me, we’ll cuddle and talk, then I’ll go to sleep and he gets up again to play video games and do his thing. I thought it was a little weird for a while, like we weren’t behaving like a “normal” married couple, but now I really enjoy our nightly ritual!

    Kate
    https://www.soulandspice.net/

  12. Unless I’m extremely exhausted, most nights I cannot go to bed unless my husband is in bed with me. He tends to be noisy when going to sleep, turns the light on, talks etc, so I prefer to not fall asleep first and than be woken up. We’re also exact opposite sleepers – he’s a night owl that sleeps deeply, I’m a morning person who sleeps lightly. I’m also extremely light-sensitive while he can’t wake up if it’s too dark. We had a period of time where we would sleep with the shades down and he purchased a light machine to wake him up gradually. Instead it woke me up every day and he just slept on through. After so many experiments like this, we settled on a half open shade and an eye mask for me. I wish I could sleep without the eye mask, but I reliably wake up at 4:30 just as the birds start chirping and the sun is brightening the sky. As with any relationship, it’s compromise, but I completely understand why people like to sleep in separate rooms!

  13. Jodie says...

    My husband is a night owl and I am definitely not! I fall asleep around 10:30 and he goes to bed around 12:30 am and most of the time falling asleep on the couch watching tv…I know.. gasp! Ha ha. I’m sure it seems weird to most people but, like Alex, this is our alone time and we choose to spend it in different ways.

    • Jen says...

      Totally have the same set up. I’m up on the weekends early and have my quiet time, he has every weeknight after 11 for his solo time. It’s nice. And I get the whole bed to fall asleep in!

  14. My husband works shift work (7 days of 1st shift, 4 days off, 7 days of 3rd shift, 2 days off, 7 days of 2nd shift, 1 day off – all year round), so we rarely go to sleep at the same time. I try to go to bed the same time as him as much as possible, but I thrive most when I’m in a stable routine. It’s definitely a catch-22!

  15. Stephney says...

    We’ve been married for more than 23 years and rarely go to bed together. We have our nightly rituals and from conversations with sisters, the majority of the time they don’t go to sleep at the same time either. I think this comes from having babies, working different shifts, and varying circadian rhythms. We make it work for us. After all what goes on in our bedroom is between us, not weird, just uniquely us.

  16. Jen says...

    When we were dating we could fall asleep in each others arm. The idea of that even happening now is comical (married 14 yrs). My best night’s sleep is when he has late night soccer games and sleeps downstairs bc he doesn’t like to shower right away. Like you we do not go to bed at the same time and it works for us b/c I have become a very late sleeper and gives me a chance to get to sleep first. The thing that surprises me the most is that having our own beds would be something I could get into… my husband would have known of it : )

  17. teeny says...

    Confession; about a year or so after our twins were born, my husband and I stopped sleeping together. We are both severely introverted and found that, with the stress of parenting young children, we both needed more alone time than ever. Now, we do the twins bedtime routine, hang out with each other in the living room talking, watching a movie, etc., then we part ways around 9:30/10pm to retreat into our introvert caves. I swear, it SAVED our marriage! We are so much more refreshed and able to handle the next day having given ourselves the space we so desperately need.

  18. Samantha says...

    I just wanna say that I can’t believe I’ve been reading this blog since before you guys met

  19. Amy says...

    My husband and I are the same….except I am the introvert going to sleep early! Plus, I have to get up much earlier in the mornings than he does.

    Surprisingly, our separate bedtimes routine has gotten criticism from some that have come to know about it. It works so well for us though. We say goodnight, I head into the bedroom to read alone in the very quiet room while he stays up, watching TV or talking on the phone with friends. It is ideal for us both for the past six years of marriage :)

  20. My husband and I are the same! I get tucked in every night because I am out like a light. We sleep in separate rooms a lot as well as he is a light sleeper and also snores / has allergies. People are so surprised when I tell them we aren’t in the same bed 7 nights a week but to be honest we are so much happier and have more energy during the day for having a great sleep. The other options is to stick to what is considered ‘normal’ and end up having squabbles all night and being tired all day… I think people also associate intimacy with staying in the same room but we have a toddler and another one on the way so bed time is for sleeping and intimate time is found during the day.
    I think a good post would be about finding time for intimacy after children because for a while I thought I wasn’t as interested in sex anymore but the reality was I was too tired at night time and totally keen during the day! And I felt so much better about myself when I realised this! Thanks for another great article x

  21. Anna says...

    My husband’s self-employed and often works all evening. When I tell people they generally look horrified – as though we don’t have any quality time together – but we do! We have a lovely long breakfast together most mornings (egg muffins and fresh coffee fuel good quality conversation!), my husband often gets to do the school run and is always there cheering our daughter on at sports days, and he takes a couple of hours off mid-afternoon when she gets home from school.

    I’m useless in the evenings and always fall asleep super early, so I love the fact that we have pockets of quality time during the day instead. And when my husband does have an evening off, we always make the most of it because curling up on the sofa together is a treat rather than the norm!

  22. Allison says...

    My husband and I have been together for 13 years and rarely go to bed at the same time. I had no idea this was a thing. The post blew my mind because I have literally never thought about this before!

    • Katharina says...

      Same here.

  23. T says...

    I find the sleep thing fascinating. I used to sleep with my husband regularly until the snoring started. Then its in another room for me. I like it. I enjoy my space and having my sheets to myself. Then we can sleep/wake up when we each need to and it doesn’t wake each other up! I’d love to hear more about other people who sleep in separate rooms!

    • Gina says...

      My husband and I also sleep in separate rooms, have done so for years. It started when he fought a period of insomnia and then he began snoring more loudly. I am a light sleeper and can’t sleep through the snoring. He jokes that it is what keeps our marriage healthy but I often worry about how it must seem to my kids. When they have friends over and are roaming the house I have often heard one of this call the guest room, “where Daddy sleeps”. I wished when they were younger that they could come to us on a weekend morning, for example, and climb into bed with us but that was never the case. And sadly now that we are both so ingrained in our own sleeping situations traveling is really tricky. I am so relieved though that so many others are also living this with healthy attitudes towards it. I love sleeping on my own but mostly wish we still slept together as a couple.

  24. We’re in the early stages of marriage and my partner still tries to get me to go to bed with him, because HE wants to be tucked in! He’s also the early riser/circadian rhythm-obsessed one, and I’m the night owl working on projects til 4am, especially if I have a deadline. Usually what happens is we watch a movie/show until I fall asleep on the couch. Once I’m out, it’s like moving mountains getting me to brush my teeth/go to bed. But like magic, once I hear that he’s sound asleep, I’m suddenly wide awake and either writing in my journal/doing admin work/planning tomorrow’s schedule. When I feel like I’ve been productive enough, I snuggle into bed with him and our dog in the early hours of the morning and do it all over again :) I have a feeling that as the years go by, we’ll get into a separate night time ritual routine like many of the commenters here have! I’m going to show him these comments asap!!

  25. Katie says...

    I’m the one with the routine, going to bed early, etc. He stays up way later and it drives me INSANE. Our sleep patterns are completely different. I can’t even handle it sometimes haha. Because he tries to take a damn nap everyday! Guess what.. go to bed on time, no nap!!

    • siheme says...

      It’s the story of my life ahahha!

  26. Laura says...

    My BF and I (we live together) are the reverse of this haha. He can fall asleep immediately no matter what, but I have to have everything just right before my brain will shut off. I do my nightly “chores” (getting a cup of water, using the bathroom, turning on thunderstorm sounds etc) while he plays around on his phone, and when I’m ready we go to bed together.

    • Liane says...

      Nightly ritual sounds so much more indulgent than chores don’t you think?

  27. Allison says...

    We do not go to bed at the same time and also sleep in separate beds. He gets up at 4:30am and I get up at 6:30am. He snores so loudly too. It works for us and has for years but people STILL give me crazy looks.

  28. Sara Voss says...

    I really relate to this. I travel for work Mondays thru Thursdays, so 3 nights a week my partner and I do not sleep in the same bed. Therefore, I have come to highly value that alone wind-down time together when I am back home. But my husband, like Alex, is a night owl and cannot go to sleep when I do. So same thing as you Joanna–he comes to bed with me to snuggle, pillow talk, and tuck me in. I get my wind-down time with him and gets to go back to puttering around with his hobbies into the night. Win-win!

  29. Irena says...

    What I love best about this is the honesty. In reality, so many of us are in the exact situation, but many would never share this info lest someone judge something about our relationships.

    In marriage, it is important to be realistic, especially about something as important as sleep. (One often wonders if the world would be less hostile and people less angry if they simply got more sleep. I suspect the answer is “yes.”) When you care and respect someone, you want them to have, at the least, the basics of what they need.

    It is lovely that you and Alex have your ritual bedtime and that neither of you needs the other to follow some idea that loving couples MUST go to bed at the same time.

    Ironically, for many couples, where the work schedules are very different, and people work shifts, some people are never even sharing the bed at any time. Again, this is a practical thing and NOT a commentary on the closeness of a relationship.

    As someone who struggles with sleeping, getting enough sleep is paramount and woe betides anyone who would get between me and my sleep. A loving partner who accepts this has made a huge difference. I cannot imagine a relationship where both partners MUST be in bed at same time as dictated by one partner.

    Thanks for sharing this.

  30. Geraldine says...

    This post and comments are so interesting. I’ve read nearly all of them. Our sleep routines have changed over the years but the take away is do whatever works.

  31. Kelly says...

    hahaha on your graphic – my brain does that ALL THE TIME! why??? Also it makes “The List” a la the SJP character in the movie I Don’t Know How She Does It – “Birthday party theme – pirates or princesses? Make a playdate with the kid that doesn’t bite. Wax something – anything! BAGELS!”

  32. Cynthia says...

    I go to bed before my husband because I require my 8 hours, usually around 9:30. He takes the dog out for the last potty break of the night and then he comes up to bed with the dog. I take the dog out on Friday and Saturday nights to give him a break. Before we got the dog, I went to bed first because my husband fell asleep in his recliner and would come up later. It was no point in trying to wake him up.

  33. We’re bed at the same time folks, but often times in the lead up to bed time (about 1030ish) I need to sort of unplug, read or journal, while he wants to get one more check on the weather, news, etc.
    The thing that surprises me the most is how much I rely on the physical aspect of him being in bed next to me. I’m a light sleeper, so if he gets up in the middle of the night, I sense that shift and it wakes me. Equally, even when we spend a few nights apart when one of us is traveling for work, it’s amazing to me how not having the person next to me affects my sleep. Even though we aren’t huge cuddlers and spend most of the night on “our sides,” I think my sleep patterns are so attuned to having him next to me and how that affects my comfort levels that when we aren’t together in bed, neither of us sleeps well at all– and that was very surprising to me since in past relationships, especially my former marriage, that solo bed time to sprawl out was a special treat.

  34. Lin says...

    Omg I needed this post! Married for 15 years and we hardly sleep at the same time. Like you I’m sleepy by 10 plus and need the 7 hours of sleep. And from most of the comments this isn’t something unusual. Makes me feel better ? So sweet that Alex tucks you in. Wish I can get my husband to do that!

  35. Maureen says...

    This is me and my husband as well. He also tucks me in most nights! It’s honestly one of the best parts of my day if I’m having a great day, or puts me in a calm mood if I’m struggling.

  36. Ellen says...

    We always go to bed at the same time. We’re both light sleepers, & we wake each other up when we go to bed otherwise. Also, we have trouble falling asleep if we’re anticipating the other one coming to bed after a little while.

  37. Becca says...

    We have a similar routine! I tend to like to go to bed earlier then my husband. It takes me about 15-30 minutes to settle into sleep. My husband can fall asleep super quick, and he snores! He also tends to like to stay up later anyway.

    When I wind down for the evening, I write in my journal then call him in to straighten out the sheets and tuck me in. We talk about our day, and make up stories about our stuffed animals (yes, at 37 we have stuffed animals that live in our bed).

    It is also interesting because on nights in which my husband is tired and wants to go to sleep at the same time, I get upset! I know that he will fall asleep in 5 minutes and snore.

    • Natalie says...

      I’m with you — we have been married for 11 years and ALWAYS (barring someone not being home) go to bed together, at the same time. It is something I find really important for us, to wind down together. That said, we aren’t always on the same sleep schedule (he is an early bird) so he gets his time alone in the morning while I snooze away. Before we had kids he used to get up and watch movies for hours on the weekends while I slept. :)

  38. Tanya says...

    Contrary to the majority of commenters on this post – my husband and I ALWAYS go to bed at the same time, I can’t sleep unless he is in bed with me! We both covet our sleep (especially with a baby on the way) and try to be under the covers between 1030-11. If he is putzing around the condo, I stay up tossing and turning haha.

    What has surprised me about marriage is that we really do love each other more ever day, that romance and spark is so electric but so comfortable at the same time. After close to 10 years together I thought that za-za-zu might fade. Though life is more routine, our sweetness towards eachother is more special than ever.

    • Natalie says...

      Oops I meant to reply to you Tanya! See above.

  39. Erica says...

    My husband and I never go to bed at the same time – he’s practically nocturnal. I crash around 10:30, he’s up til at least 1 or 2. Even when I used to work at a music venue, and come home around 2 or 3am, he’d stay up til I was home and usually go to bed after me.

  40. Your bed time ritual with Alex sounds a lot like mine with my husband. I don’t think we’ve ever gone to bed at the same time either; and we’ve also been married almost 8 years. PS – Bonus points for the brain at 3 AM meme. That is so me!! And that song has made an appearance several times. :)

  41. Olivia says...

    Bedtime = comedy gold as my husband is a sleep talker (and even acts out his dreams at times, too — it’s like his other persona). This happened most recently while I was getting ready for work at about 5:30 AM. Out of a sound sleep, he asked “how far away is Erie, Pennsylvania?” After I answered, he told me he “needed to go there.” Why? “I need an Amish hat.” Immediately back to sleep.

    He also once urgently blurted out that he need “cellophane, petroleum jelly, and a stop sign!”

    (Insert crying laughing emoji)

    • Lizzie says...

      Oh man, I’m the sleep-talker in our household and your husband’s examples crack me up! Most recently I recall asking my husband something about a cape, and insisting he put his arms through the arm holes so he could wear it the right way. WHAT.

    • I love it! I had a boyfriend in college who stayed over regularly, and once, I noticed he was propped up on one elbow in the middle of the night. I leaned over, and saw he was miming eating…the next morning, I asked him if he remembered doing that. He didn’t realize he had been doing anything active, but he did recall dreaming of eating a burrito!

  42. My boyfriend and I rarely go to bed at the same time. I’m usually the one to pass out first (generally while reading), while he’ll stay up either reading or playing video games for an hour or two (or three) longer. We just have different sleep needs/patterns, so I don’t have a big problem with it. We’re pretty similar to you, actually. We’ll both get in bed at the same time, but he’ll either stay up in bed after I fall asleep or head back into the living room if he thinks he’ll be up much longer.

  43. Lo says...

    I make my partner come to bed with me, I sleep sooo badly when I can hear him moving around downstairs. We have an agreement, we both chat and talk for a while, and then snuggle down together in the dark. I fall asleep almost instantly, and then he will turn over and either go on his phone, watch a tv show with headphones or read.

    It means we both get to do things we need/want, but in a joint comfy location!

    Lo
    http://www.themixtures.com

  44. Anne says...

    My fiancé and I don’t live together, but when we visit each other we go to bed SO early. Normally we each might go to bed at 10 ish, but when we’re together we’ll snuggle up on the couch after dinner, and close our eyes just to enjoy how wonderful it is to be together again, and then fall asleep at 8:30. It happens all the time- oops. I think it’s just a testament to how soothing physical touch is, especially if you don’t get it every day.

  45. My husband and I never ever go to bed at the same time. He likes to work at night on his personal work.(He is a photographer) And I am a morning lark so I like to go to bed earlier. I never thought as a married couple you went to bed at the same time. I suppose its because all my life I dont remember my parents ever going to bed at the same time. My Dad was always in bed first.

  46. Andrea says...

    So cute to read this! My husband’s body clock for total sleep is much lesser than mine so if we both went to bed at 10.30pm, he would be wide awake at 5am. So I tend to go first and then he comes in between 11.30pm and midnight. That way we wake together and are fully rested. We never talked about a routine, we just do it – I go to bed expecting him to come later. He also enjoys working on his hobby in the evenings (AND watch WWII documentaries) so it works for us.

    Funny thing though, if ever he is extremely tired and needs to go to bed earlier and I am on the other hand a bit more awake and choose to stay up later, my husband can’t sleep without me in bed with him. I feel it in his breathing when I snuggle up to him and then I feel him relax and slip into his deep sleep breathing rhythm. He knows it, I know it and we make a joke about it but it makes my heart melt every time. :))

  47. Peggi says...

    We’ve been happily unmarried for 24 years and rarely go to bed at the same time! I am the extroverted fast nodder-offer, and he is the introverted night-owl. I don’t remember wondering if it was strange because it just seemed to make so much sense for us! It took me a lot longer to solve his cover-stealing…separate blankets

  48. Annelise says...

    My husband is a competitive rower, so he gets up at 4:30AM for practice each day. I adjusted my sleep schedule to go to sleep with him. Everyone thinks it’s crazy that we are in bed at 9PM, but otherwise I wouldn’t see him in the morning at all! I’ve also really embraced being a “morning person” and am amazed at what I can accomplish before leaving for work.

  49. Ha it’s funny, my fiancé and I are the same but we do it the other way round. I take at least half an hour to drop off usually, and to wind down. So I go to bed first, take ages getting ready for bed and relaxing and about an hour later my partner will come to bed and fall straight asleep beside me. I like the idea that you two still chat and have time together before bed though. Maybe we’ll give that a go!

    My parents go to bed at the exact same time every night and sit up in bed reading their books and chatting together about their days/what is on their minds before going to sleep. I was always sad that I’m not the same as that because it’s just the cutest! But now I realise that everyone is different and what works for them just doesn’t work for me :)

  50. Charlotte says...

    It’s so funny, my ex kept pestering me to stay up late and why I was tired all the time for nearly six years. Now I’ve just moved in with my bf and I go to bed earlier and he knows exactly that I’ll be tired tje next day, no matter what and he’ll be extra quiet when getting into bed. That, for me, is way more romantic than going to bed together.

  51. Haha, that quote made me smile!! I’m glad that I got to see it at the beginning of my day :) Aw, I think it’s so nice how he will come to bed with you and have a chat and a cuddle – It seems like a really nice time between you both! It’s a good way to make your separate sleeping patterns work as well!

    Anyway, have a great weekend :)

    Chloe @ https://girllgonerogue.blogspot.co.uk/

  52. Never!!! I’m like your husband and he’s like you… I like the silence of the night to put my ideas in order and organise my following day schedule… we’ve been doing it for the past 32 years and counting!!! Love from Spain

  53. Simone says...

    My heart leaped when I read the words ‘tuck in’! Most nights my boyfriend and I go to bed at the same time, talk about silly things and say I love you over and over. However if he doesn’t come to bed the same time as me I’ll always call out to be tucked in. Last night I did it and I caught myself thinking maybe I’m being childish but now I know it’s completely normal from the other comments on here. It takes me so much longer to fall asleep without him or without being tucked in – it’s kind of the full stop to the day.

  54. Dana says...

    My husband works at the ER and typically gets off at 3:30am so he almost never goes to bed until after midnight (at the earliest). I’m a night owl naturally and he’s a morning person naturally but me as a mom and him as a PA in the ER the last two years, we’ve switched roles. So we never go to bed together. Unfortunately for me, I take hours to fall asleep sometimes and my husband is the fall asleep when his head hits the pillow type. So if I “go to bed” at 11, it’s likely he’ll still fall asleep before me!

  55. kate says...

    Never go to bed at the same time. The only time he comes to bed with me is when he wants sex but I also love that debrief time so he has to endure at least 20 minutes of me updating him on every funny, weird, cute things the kids have done since he last tried to have sex with me.

  56. T Barr Segal says...

    I’m a night owl and not a morning person at all. I tuck my husband into his bed around 11:00, with a back scratch, and all of his blankets lovingly tucked around him. Then my boxer dog and I retreat to the other end of our home; it’s my sleeping room, for relaxing, and having my quiet “me” time. It’s my time to stop worrying about everyone else.

  57. Meg says...

    My husband is a brewer and on a rotating schedule- three weeks morning, three weeks afternoon/evening, three weeks overnight. I love the first two because we are both introverts and end up in a rotating schedule of coveted evening alone time. The overnights are the worst, though. Even if I try to go to bed, I end up falling asleep on the couch watching TV. We are newlyweds, though, and all of it feels so sweet to me, having someone to worry over sleep schedules with.

  58. Alyssa says...

    My husband and I have been together for over 25 yrs (since our early 20s) and have gone to bed together maybe 5-10 times. We have a great relationship, it’s never been a problem! Interesting to read that it’s not all that unusual.

  59. Fay says...

    My husband of 21 years and I only sleep together 4 nights a week. I am a critical care nurse and I work the night shift. He likes the alone time and I like the bed to myself during the day when I sleep. But on the nights we spend together we try to go to bed together just to have alone time to talk and cuddle. We have been doing this for about 10 years and it seems to work for us. We don’t have a tv in our bedroom so talking is how we stay connected. Sometimes because I sleep mostly during the day I do get up and clean the house, read or watch the stars above after he falls asleep. But sometimes I just watch him sleep and think how lucky I am to have him in my life. Can u tell I am very deeply in love even after 20+ years. :)

  60. I’ve always wondered what other people do. My husband loves to go to bed early–like really early (by 9 p.m.) I wouldn’t call myself a night owl, but I like some downtime before sleep.
    But we’ve compromised. He stays up later; I turn in a little earlier. The snuggles are worth it (for us :)
    As a side note, I love reading about people making marriage work!

  61. Holly says...

    Oh goodness all the supposed to’s about marriage. What a drag! It will be 9 years for us in September and we have always slept under different blankets. The few who ever found out teased us, but using the same cover ALWAYS turned into middle of the night half asleep tug-a-wars. So now we each have a blanket that is made of the fabric and weight we prefer and it is bliss. I think it was actually a blog post here a while back that finally made me feel normal about it.

    A friend recently told me in regards to marriage advice, “do whatever will cause the least amount of resentment between the two of you.” Life lessons right there!

    • Coco says...

      Separate duvets or doonas is common in Scandavia

    • jen says...

      Separate blankets and separate bathrooms make the world go round. And make for happy marriages. (26 years.)

    • MM says...

      Separat blankets is totally common in Austria as well. I cannot imagine it any other way. How uncomfortable it would be to share one!
      e.g. I need a much warmer blanket than my husband and he likes to roll himself in his light blanket like a caterpillar :-)

  62. Karin says...

    Thank you for sharing this – I was just feeling weird this past week about my husband and i not going to bed at the same time! I’m exactly like you (sleepy at 10:00) and he works evenings and comes home wired so he has to wind down for an hour or two.

    As we’ve gotten older, the contrast has gotten more extreme, and a few months ago I started just going to bed earlier. We kiss and hug and say goodnight in the living room. Then I like to read in bed until I fall asleep, so it’s been good wind-down time for me, but I was thinking “OH MY GOD IS THIS A SIGN WE’RE LIKE OLD PEOPLE SLEEPING IN SEPARATE BEDROOMS?” Actually, I think we’re both much happier now than when he was forcing himself to go to bed wide awake, and I was forcing myself to stay awake through my yawns.

  63. My husband and I are the same as you. At first, I was bothered by our different schedules because it wasn’t “normal”. But then realized it works for us and is our “normal”. I love hearing honest posts like this! Thanks for sharing!

    xo,
    Heather

  64. Lori H says...

    Your getting tucked in by your husband is the cutest thing ever :) We have been married 31 years. I am a morning person and my husband is the night owl. I am the introvert and he is so extroverted! I conk out right away, but unfortunately one problem with being 54 is that I am a terrible sleeper so I am usually up for a few hours in the middle of the night. I feel like I would sleep better in a separate room, but my husband would be crushed so I spend my wakeful time in another room and try to get sleep in our room. I think there are very few “norms” in marriage so people should just relax and accept it!

  65. This is exactly us too! We have been married 5 years and two boys (18mo and 4yrs) :). I go to bed around 10:30, after that I cannot function and know I will have a tired morning. Jon is a night owl as well and likes the time to write, think and do work stuff that is on the back burner.

    I actually got upset for some time about us not going to sleep together. Jon would actually tuck me in and pretend he was going to bed until I fell asleep- then would get up and do his thing. I started catching on when one of the kids would wake up or I could hear a playoff game on in the living room!

    I made peace with it and understand it’s a time that we both value in our own way. You guys are not alone!

  66. We’re the same. I give him a kiss as he’s unwinding on the couch, computer, or doing music. He’s at least an hour, probably 1.5 hours behind me on bedtime. Great post!

  67. Kelly says...

    my boyfriend gets into bed and is out like a light immediately — it drives me crazy because he sleeps with zero sheets or duvet and when I get into bed it will often be shoved onto the floor — so then I’m grabbing the crumpled duvet from the floor — I just decided I’m going to get my own twin sized one and make my half of the bed every day!

    • Kristy says...

      LOL make half of the bed

  68. Amanda says...

    You two are so sweet! I love how in love you are with each other.

    I feel like this might be weird, but my old roommate and I tucked each other in on a semi-regular basis during the 4 years we lived together. For about 10 minutes or so before lights out, we just had girl talk. I’d pet the dog in her room while she was in bed telling me about how she dropped an olive down her shirt at a lunch meeting or she’d come into my room and sit on my bed and I blab about my latest obsession, running/pottery/baking. It was one of the few consistent times of day when both of us were home and not doing other things (i.e. getting ready in the morning, cooking dinner, etc.). I loved that ritual and I didn’t realize just how much until I missed it until she moved in with her boyfriend. Sometimes we still text each other right before bed though now that we’re no longer right across the hall from each other. Maybe I’ll find a mate who will tuck me in!

    • Geraldine says...

      Ok so that’s the sweetest thing ever!

    • Kristy says...

      that is sooooo sweet. Girl friendships ftw

  69. Melissa Porras says...

    We are just like you guys only reversed. I even rub my husband’s head.

  70. My husband and I go to bed at the same time. He puts on one of his shows that I make fun of. I mock through the into and then roll over and go
    To sleep.
    When he’s away for work
    I still put on one of his shows and watch the first few minutes then I’m out.