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Have a Lovely Long Weekend.

Have a Lovely (Long) Weekend

What are you up to this weekend? We’re heading to Atlanta to visit Alex’s sister and brother-in-law. They have a hammock and fire pit in their backyard, so we have grand plans to do nothing. :) Hope you have a good one, and here are a few fun links from around the web…

The best romantic comedies of all time. Do you agree?

NYC beaches will have free sunscreen this summer!

Wishlisted.

A moving story of a man who chose when to die. “This was an Irish wake, without grief’s frantic edge.”

Advice vs. feedback. Loved.

Is this the best pie ever?

But you should have asked.” YES! THIS!

How to make the weekend last longer.

Seagulls, haha.

Loft is 40% off everything, including this cute dress.

Memorize these poses for your next vacation photos.

A site entirely dedicated to dad jokes. (Alex, this one’s for you;)

Plus, two reader comments…

Says Katie on Kelly’s Week of Outfits: “Pro tip: If you’re going to dinner in non-stretch jeans, wrap a hair tie through the button hole and around the button. It gives you more room and if you stand up, no one can notice that your jeans are unbuttoned!”

Says Ali on talking on the phone: “My mom always argued with me about our lack of communication, since I hate both texting and calling. But last year I started calling her every morning on my way to work, and our relationship is EXPONENTIALLY better! She’s so grateful for the call that she even tries to keep it under five minutes.”

Finally, please save the date! Next Thursday, June 1st, we’ll be having a Cup of Jo garden party in Brooklyn. We’ll have drinks, yummy bites and friendly faces. Please come, we’d love to see you!

(Photo by Olivia Rae James Suárez/Instagram. Advice via Swissmiss. Death story via Kottke.)

  1. Lindsay says...

    ‘A moving story’, was so poignant. It made me stop and appreciate the life I have and the people in it. With tears running down my face, life came into perspective for me and reaffirmed how much love I have for my husband and how life can change in an instant…it shouldn’t be wasted.

  2. Would love to hear from women who successfully let go of the mental load. My husband is happy to take on more, but I can’t seem to let anything more go.

  3. Rachel says...

    OMG, that “You Should’ve Asked” comic is giving me so much life. It’s so unbelievably true!

  4. Jade says...

    Ahhhhh! I would love the garden party! Am visiting NYC from the UK for the first time in September. Have another party then! Haha! x

  5. Elizabeth says...

    “That Girl” series from (1967) should be in the List!it’s also so so romantic ,charming and Funny.Marlo Thomas and Ted Bessel are brilliant in this;)

  6. Frankie says...

    I’m not a mother yet, but I’m through my first year living with my (male) partner and pup. The “You Should’ve Asked” piece hit SO. CLOSE. to home. I always felt this burden and frustration, but never knew how to articulate the seemingly invisible underworkings of the dynamic. Seeing it all laid out (cutely I might add) really helped me take a deeper dive into my situation and will hopefully inform a productive conversation with my partner :)

    • Molly says...

      Ditto over here!! I have been trying to put this in words after my first few years of marriage and it usually ends up in me being completely frustrated. This comic is amazing and going to be incredibly helpful in my next conversation with my spouse. I am also going to be sharing it with all my fellow feminist newly weds :)

  7. Gen says...

    Oh my God, the “you should’ve asked” article…..THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!! This is seriously the story of my life. The husband is generally pretty good with chores but we go through cycles where there is a serious imbalance, and after discussing this so many times, I shouldn’t have to be the one to broach the need to get stuff done and what exactly/when/how/by whom. Next time I’m sending this article!

  8. Emma says...

    I totally relate to the mental load, but if I’m honest with myself I couldn’t just stop even if my husband picked it up instead!

    • Ingrid says...

      Yes!

  9. I have a friend who worked as a Physician Assistant in Urgent Care. She said–time and time again–fathers would bring in children and have NO CLUE about their medical histories. She said it was very common for fathers to turn to their 8 year-old daughter and ask HER what medicines the 4 year old son took, if he had any allergies, etc. Or (obviously) call the moms.

    Obviously not all dads are clueless about their child’s health, but she saw it over and over again! When I read “You Should’ve Asked” it was a light bulb moment for me – Mental Load! That’s it. Thank you so much for sharing.

    • aga says...

      That is horrifying! The 8 year old daughter is more aware than the father?!
      It is SO engraved in our social models that women are the caretakers and that the dad’s “help out”. I have heard academics, highly educated women who, for all terms and purposes are feminists, say “I’m lucky – my husband helps out a lot”. What is that??!

    • Yep. To extend upon this, I work with Hospice Bereavement programs which identify primary caretakers of hospice patients – so that, after the patient dies, they provide bereavement support for the primary caretakers.

      The gender imbalance of the primary caretakers is CRAZY. So many more daughters and wives and mothers than sons and husbands and fathers. When have we decided as a society that women are caretakers and men are not? Being a caretaker of someone who is dying is (obviously) VERY emotionally taxing. Why is it socially acceptable for men get to skirt this responsibility?

  10. Lauren E. says...

    The “you should’ve asked!” really made me think. I read a Real Simple article a few months ago (great read: https://www.realsimple.com/work-life/life-strategies/martyr-complex) about being a martyr and it really resonated with me. In my own marriage the “roles” my husband and I have assumed date back to when we first moved in together. I didn’t trust him to send the rent check in on time (even though I had no reason to think he wouldn’t) so I just started doing it myself. Now he expects me to because I always have. But one time we got into an argument about it and I played the martyr (“Oh so you think the rent check just MAGICALLY sends itself in every month?!”). He told me if I didn’t want to assume that responsibility, I just had to tell him and he’d take care of it from now. I think it’s a fine line between doing everything yourself and asking to share the load without the “you should’ve asked” feelings underneath it all.

  11. Ann McCormick says...

    Reading “You Should Have Asked” made me really think about my marriage. My husband and I have a 7 month old baby and never once in our 2 years of marriage, and 7 months of parenthood have I felt that I was carrying the mental load. His mother definitely did, but my dad was the ‘mental load bearer’ in my childhood home. I take care of food planning, shopping, cooking etc. but my partner is on top of laundry, house cleaning, bills, visas (we live in Shanghai), and our finances. We share the responsibility of baby Nahla’s upbringing. I feel incredibly lucky, and can’t help but attribute it to my dad. He cleaned, cooked, carted us around, and never acted like it was opposite to how things should be or that he deserved a medal. It starts with dads. After reflection, I think what works for us is the complete split of responsibility into categories. Anything to do with food is me, anything to do with home cleanliness or finances is him. The rest we compromise and figure out together.

  12. Anne says...

    When the “Mental Load” came out beginning of May, it was widely shared in France and hugely discussed. I do not know a single friend of mine who was not nodding her head by reading this.
    And while I find that my boyfriend is doing rather good, I admit that I’m often the one bearing the mental load. Hello ‘packing the kids’ suitcases’, hello ‘ordering the diapers’, hello ‘ensuring that we take the baby bottle when we are taking the kids to the park’. The list is endless…
    Maybe we all should stop family work for a week and let men do the work.
    Sometimes it is our fault as well – when I went away on a girls weekend, I started rattling off a to-do-list to my boyfriend before stopping myself. Result: I came back and all kids were still alive and the house more or less spotless.

  13. Kim says...

    We’re in ATL this weekend too, visiting from Birmingham. Yesterday we took our girls to see the Pete the Cat puppet show at the Center for Puppetry Arts. Today we’re off to the Renaissance Festival. Hope you had fun as well. It’s a great town!

  14. shopgirl says...

    About “But you should have asked.”; … anyone here, who has the time to read entire Emma’s post definitely had the time to arrange all the household tasks lists in the article … ;-)

  15. aga says...

    My partner always asks what he can help with!!! He knows that I usually say no, so he’ll ask something specific, like can I chop the veggies. If I still say no, he’ll come back and check in a few minutes later. And if I still say no, he’ll keep my company. Or vacuum. And after dinner he ALWAYS says, leave the dishes, I’ll clean up. I love him. :)

  16. Em says...

    Notting Hill should be on this list!!

    Also, about “you should’ve asked,” I agree that I do the majority of the mental work in regards to our son, but I also am not sure if I’m willing to give up the control of that. My husband is completely capable of all and any responsibility, but even if he did more mental work I KNOW I would still be thinking, “is his doctors appointment scheduled? Do we have winter clothes that fit him? Are we socializing him enough?” In a way, I think it would be harder for me if my husband did more of these things. I think it is at the very least important for partners to be aware of everything else their partner is doing to manage their lives, and then maybe take the baby for a day so mama can get a pedicure ; )

  17. Lyn says...

    On the rom-coms, I would have included _Crossing Delancey_ with Amy Irving.

  18. Jenny says...

    In reference to But You Should’ve Asked, has anyone successfully addressed this in their household? I’d love to hear ideas of how to positively address this with my husband to actually see change. He will truly do anything I ask and even with a good attitude but I hate that I have to ask while he doesn’t understand why I hate having to ask him!! I’m not looking for an even scorecard but would love to not feel like I’m the main manager of all things household/child rearing related.

    • Alex says...

      Yes, this! I don’t know how to address this without it seeming like a complaint or attack. If I just sent the link on to my husband he would probably think I was being passive aggressive. Would love to read some ideas for making a positive change.

    • Megan says...

      I was wondering how I could send this to my husband as well without making him upset! He definitely does his share around the house and we regularly have conversations about dividing tasks. But i am always unable to explain this MENTAL LOAD to him – and here it is, done perfectly!! That said, I really enjoy being in charge of and ‘managing’ our household, and I’m too much of a controller to give it up.

  19. Marie says...

    Thank you, thank you, thank you for posting “But you should have asked”! The author articulated something that I had been feeling but was not able to put into words. I shared it with my husband and we had a great conversation. He is wonderful and 100% willing to be an equal partner, but this helped him grasp how much of the ‘work’ and ‘responsibility’ happens mentally. :)

    We got married recently, and we’re trying to figure out how to best share household duties before we introduce kids, etc. into the mix. However, we don’t really have a good example for what an equal system (or close to it) might look like. My parents have a very traditional set-up where my dad does most of the work outside the home and my mom takes care of the household, kids, and finances- although this balance has shifted a bit now that my siblings and I are out of the house and my mom works part-time. My husband’s parents both do chores around the home but they also have full-time outside help. In both relationships, our moms bear the mental load.

    I would love to read about couples where the mental load AND household tasks are shared more equally between both partners.

    • JB says...

      When I first met my new husband years ago, I was kind of concerned that he came from a very traditional household, with a proud homemaker mother. If that’s what he was hoping for his own family, I definitely wasn’t going to work out. One of the things that has helped us the most (and I recognize this won’t work for everyone) is that he loves to cook (including meal planning, shopping, prep, etc.) and I hate it – so from the get go we have been able to split a lot of the household duties between those that are food related and those that are not. I am an obsessive pre-planner, so handle all of the financial planning, appointments, vacations and other scheduling things. Work to your strengths!

      Recently, he started working from home and in doing so, has totally taken over the running of the household whereas I’ve become the breadwinner. We had a complete role reversal. I have no idea what the status of the milk in the fridge is, or what colour clothes are in the laundry machine, or when the cable guy is coming: he is handling it all! It’s been fascinating for both of us to have a bit of a reality check, but I definitely need to buy back in to achieve that balance again.

      And full disclosure – we haven’t added kids yet either, which is a whole other level of demanding!

  20. Just busy with some office work. I hate working on weekends.

  21. yael steren says...

    That dog is sooo cute!! I went to visit my parents in NJ. It was my birthday yesterday and so we had a BBQ and my mom made my favorite dessert. It was low-key and perfect. I think the last big party I had was when I was 30. Since then I love just hanging out with my family to celebrate! Today I’m heading back to NYC. Sounds like you have a super relaxing weekend planned also!! I hope you’re making smores in that fire pit!! xx yael
    http://www.yaelsteren.com/blog/

  22. Laura says...

    Long time reader, 1st time comment :) “You should’ve asked” so good. Many thanks for sharing. I actually got told that today by my partner. Aaaah. I do wonder if sometimes is better (& more efficient) for just the one person to oversee everything as I feel that perhaps there would be overlaps or omissions if te managing part is shared? Not sure. I have forwarded it to my partner so hopefully it will spark a positive conversation. Keep up the good work.

  23. Ceridwen says...

    I just read the “You should’ve asked” link and realised that, holy moly, I’m the husband in my our scenario and that’s not good. My husband is full time stay at home dad and does pretty much everything around the house including drop offs, pick ups and the rest. I act like a legend if I unstuck AND stack the dishwasher. I need to help more. Way more!

  24. I’m not sure why “Beauty and the Beast” made it to that rom-com list but YES I’m all for it, haha. Also, the “feedback vs advice” thing is very eye-opening. I never realised that and am eager to try switching to using “advice” from now on, because I’m always asking for people’s opinions on things.
    I’m going away on holiday next week, so the “vacation poses” post couldn’t have come in a better time! As always, thank you for all of this! xx

    Joanne | Life in Blue Skies

  25. KB says...

    These are great- thank you!

    Side note: what is up with this summer’s fashion? Cut-outs, weird cropped everything, ripped, patched and embroidered? Where is the elegance? the class? What is a post-partum 31 year old to do?

  26. Eli says...

    Wow I just bought almost the exact same button-down top you wishlisted this week!! I love having my fashion choices validated :))

  27. Bonnie says...

    One of my favorite rom-coms is Something’s Gotta Give with a mature Diane Keaton and Jack Nicholson. Keanu Reeves is Jack’s competition for Diane and it’s set in the Hamptons. Lovely movie!

    • Em says...

      Yes, I agree!!

  28. bridget says...

    If youre in Atlanta, and can only eat at one place I HIGHLY reccomend Bocado in Midtown. SO GOOD! Great spot for lunch, love the asthetic, and in a fun part of town to explore. Krog Market is great if you wanna skip the crowds at Ponce City Market.. has more charm and similar vibes.

  29. Jeannie Ireland says...

    I read the article about John Shields’ life and death in the NYTimes yesterday and was so moved by his story. He was just as principled a man in death as he seemed to be in life and I admire him for that. A lovely story.

  30. Laura C. says...

    And Moonstruck is an underrated film. I find it gorgeous and a very well deserved Oscar to Cher.

  31. Karen says...

    “You should have asked…” Just make sure you’re dating a feminist (theory and practical) and you just have to decide who makes which job. To-do-lists help us to not forget about stuff.

  32. Lauren says...

    “But you should’ve asked”
    I’m convinced that men just don’t notice and/or are not bothered by things like piled up recycling, clothes thrown next to the laundry basket rather than in it, or, to quote one of my favorite Cards Against Humanity cards, “crumbs all over the goddamn carpet”. My fiance will help clean when he sees me doing it, but I know it’s because he knows I want the house clean rather than being bothered by the mess himself. I’ve given up trying to understand why it doesn’t bother him and instead remind myself that he is usually the one repairing things and cooking (which I hate unless it’s guacamole or breakfast). We both do things for each other and we appreciate each other (most of the time!).

    We cracked up over this video, though:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SqQgDwA0BNU

    • Anu says...

      It’s cultural / learned though. I’m definitely the person less likely to notice clothes on the floor, that something needs dusting, that the laundry is piling up etc. compared to my husband. And part of that is because I grew up a spoiled only child with a housekeeper and a nanny while he grew up with a single mom who had high expectations for cleanliness. I don’t think it’s inherent to being a man or a woman.

  33. Liana says...

    Ah! The you should’ve asked! even without kids it can be such an issue! I live with my partner and it can be an issue.

    It is compounded by the fact that I AM a planner and I also like things done my way. It’s a combination of him recognizing how it is but also me letting go of “my way or the wrong way.”

    I get so frustrated when I DO ask him to do something and it’s like he needs instructions from me – or he’s surprised that I meal plan – YES that’s how you decide what groceries to buy!!

    I will definitely share this comic with him haha

    • LBintheBK says...

      Liana! It was as if I’d written your comment myself – I related to each point you made. Do you have any advice for someone else in what sounds like a very similar position? How do you manage the frustration? Have you let some of your particularities go? Do you have any working solutions given the differences between you and your partner? Thank you!

  34. Suzieq says...

    As a divorced mom with sole custody (an unusual situation – it’s almost always split these days), I loved “but you should have asked.” One of the unexpected upsides to the divorce is that I am literally in charge of everything and everyone knows it. Paradoxically, that is a huge relief. While married, I felt obligated–for the sake of marital harmony–to pretend to my spouse, and to the world, that he did some useful things around the house or helped out with the kids. Pretending was worse than actually carrying the load. Now, people congratulate me and ask with wonder how I do it all. The truth is, I’ve always done it all – now I just get recognition.

  35. MCW says...

    Long time West Coast reader/COJ fan here! Can we have a garden party in our neck of the woods??? Perhaps on one of your recurring jaunts to Palm Springs? Heck, I’d even go for Ilia lipstick applications here- Blossom Lady Lip Conditioner FTW!!!

  36. sandra says...

    I had used that jeans tip when I was pregnant with my son, avoiding having to spend money on maternity pants as long as I could! (Of course, I eventually did need them.)

  37. Alyssa says...

    My husband and I both loved the “But You Should Have Asked” article. Even as two feminists, we’ve thoughtfully taken on fairly traditional roles in our household based on what we both enjoy doing more. We’ve been talking recently about how to become more educated in the mental load the other person carries. Right now I think about what foods to try with our baby and what to get everyone for Christmas, and he thinks about when the car needs oil and what documents we’ll need for tax season. But neither of us could currently take on the other person’s chores and mental load–we don’t know enough about it! Now we’re taking a little time each week to teach the other person something they need to know about our load and how we do what we do; hopefully it’ll make us each more competent and appreciative of the other person’s responsibilities. It’s been a sweet way to share both mental loads and move toward each other in the occasional frustration of feeling like we’re isolated in our duties.

    • LBintheBK says...

      This is wonderful to hear, Alyssa. Thank you for sharing this idea.

  38. Jo says...

    You should have asked!

    Eye opening for me. I work outside the home, and my husband cares for our young children. I rarely consider the mental load he carries. He’s passionate about his role and good at running our household. He’s essentially Joel from Parenthood. We’re a solid team, but ironically I see the way that he’s judged by others for his contribution. Not that he gives a shit, but it’s such a double standard. A reminder that feminism ultimately should benefit men, too. I heard Gloria Steinem say that on the radio last year, and I get it.

  39. ariane says...

    I love that list of rom coms, so comprehensive. there goes my weekend

  40. Bindi says...

    Oh my!! You will be in Atlanta this weekend? It would be so so lovely to find a way for our paths to cross. (In a completely not creepy or stalkerish way :–). I started reading your blog right around the time you met Alex, and my littles are 4 and 1!

  41. Samantha Zimmerman says...

    You Should Have Asked.
    O.M.G. Perfect.

    My ex would always ask ‘do you want help?’ after I had already been ceaning for 30 minutes. (In a 1 bedroom apartment) At that point, no, I’m almost done and would prefer you stay out of the way.
    Why can’t you just take some initiative and start cleaning yourself?! The house doesn’t stay clean by itself…..and we don’t have magic cleaning fairies that come in the middle of the night.
    Maybe that is why he’s an ex ;)

  42. elizabeth r says...

    Go to Mercury in Ponce City Market for great drinks and steak. And the Jazz Festival in Piedmont Park is happening this weekend as well as the amazing Decatur Arts Festival. I hope you’ll post some pictures of my awesome city and hometown!

  43. Sonia says...

    How can you make a list of the best rom-coms and not include Splash aka the greatest love story of all time? I’m seething with rage lol

  44. Angela says...

    1. On the commenter Ali: Yes! I did that also and the best part is there is a clear beginning and ending. I call when I leave the house and she knows we have to be done when I get to work. I have a thirty minute commute, but thirty minutes, once a week did wonders for our relationship.

    2. The “but you should have asked” article: I vascillate between wanting to scream YES! at the top of my lungs and taking the perspective I read of in Bringing Up Bebe, which is about French parenting. In a nutshell (as described by the book, I’m not an expert in French women!), French women do the same work we do and just laugh it off as though they have unique strength and special skills that their husbands just don’t have. To me, this seems more empowering to women, to recognize and accept the difference and to triumph in it. However, one distinguishing factor seems to make the difference may be that French society and parenting culture seems to lend itself to this attitude in a way ours doesn’t.

    • Celeste W says...

      I believe the ‘but you should have asked’ was originally written by a French woman (in French), so perhaps the “laughing off” and treating it as a “unique strength” has gotten a bit tiresome even for our French counterparts.

    • Gitty says...

      I love that #2! Sometimes it bothers me that traditionally female responsibilities are seen as inferior to traditional male responsibilities. For example, you see much less of men complaining that they are expected to be a primary income source. I think that I am doing an awesome job raising my kid AND maintaining a home as a sanctuary for my family AND working part time. I rock! I don’t want or need my husband to take over my running of the house- his help is always appreciated, of course, but he has other responsibilities in our relationship.

    • marie says...

      Well no. We do not HAVE these skills, they have been TOUGHT to us (like the article also describes). No one is saying that men lack in project managing skills in any other department (O nooo Joe can’t be managing this project at work, he’s a man for crying out loud). Why on earth would my having a vagina make me better at keeping the shopping list updated. I mean really. It’s like the 1950’s called and wanted its opinions back.

      Let me tell you what teaches skills: Responsibility. If you are a sane and normal person, you will fix what is needed. If a parent takes parental leave, he/she will learn where the mittens and hats are kept and if the clothes are outgrown and he/she will shop for new ones because he/she will not let his/her child be naked in the winter (because he/she is sane and normal). If he/she never has full time care and responsibility of household and kids, he/she will not.

  45. t says...

    “But you should have asked” was very interesting. I am not sure what this means but we have the same issues in my same sex marriage (both women). Maybe there is always a lack of division of labor or division of mental load to some extent between any two people. Or at least a perceived lack of division of labor.

    Here’s our situation: my wife is a stay at home mom to our kids and she does all the household chores.

    I work full time and carry the entire mental load: I make the shopping lists, i buy all the clothes, i schedule the doctor and dentist appointments, i plan our dinners, I tell everyone the schedule for the day, i book swim school and gymnastics, and camps, and research preschools, i know where everything is in the house, i pay all the bills, i buy insurance, i know when our cars need servicing, i remind my wife that she needs to buy a bathing suit for our vacation, i hire the handyman and gardener, i plan and book the trip to visit my in-laws, etc.

    But my wife feels like she does everything because she is home with the kids, cooking, cleaning and doing laundry. I feel like i do everything because I work full time, then come home take care of the kids and i carry the entire mental load.

    in the end i think we need to be sensitive that often in this day and age we are all doing way more than 50% of anything.

    the author/artist didn’t at all reference the mental load that is presumably carried by the husband in her example: household budgeting and cash flow, paying bills, activity planning, shopping insurance, etc. Maybe that was an oversight?

    But i wholeheartedly agree that no one person should be backed into a box by societal expectations.

    • Joanna Goddard says...

      in our relationship, we both work full-time, and yet i still always end up overseeing everything (childcare, doctor appointments, children’s clothing, our vacation planning, taxes, school decisions, homework tasks, our social calendar, household things, etc. etc.). i remember once saying to alex, “i wish someone would just give me a list of things to do.” it can be really hard to constantly be overseeing and thinking ahead about everything that needs doing — it really rang true for our relationship!

    • Laura C. says...

      Joanna you are so right. I am a SAHM but every big responsibility is always on me like doctors, clothes, school, babysitter… Every Sunday afternoon I have to plan the meals for the week ahead. The thing is, ot is not that difficult to make those meals. The hard thing is to figure out the meals- today meat, tomorrow fish, the day after pasta… And that’s what my hubby doesn’t understand.
      Plus: GREAT THING the free sunscreen!!! Here in Southern Spain it should be a must!

    • Celeste W says...

      I am a stay at home mom and I do all the labor your wife does and all the planning/organizing/list making you do. When I was working the division of physical labor/kid rearing was a bit more balanced (maybe 65/45) but all the planning and organizing and tracking still fell to me.

    • Amy says...

      Thank you so much for this perspective. As I was reading the comic, I felt myself getting angrier at my spouse and feeling more and more validated…and also feeling hopeless that the division of mental labor will never change. Your post reminded me of his many contributions to our life that I know feel like more than 50% to him. He and I are both humans and will never be perfect, and if I wait for an equal division of mental labor I’ll never fully appreciate the wonderful things about him.

    • Lauren says...

      “the author/artist didn’t at all reference the mental load that is presumably carried by the husband in her example: household budgeting and cash flow, paying bills, activity planning, shopping insurance, etc. Maybe that was an oversight?”

      In my relationship, my husband doesn’t do any of this unless I explicitly ask him to do it. I can’t think of any “mental load” he carries that I don’t also take on. For my birthday yesterday, he planned a one night trip and arranged for a dog sitter – and this is a special treat because I’ve planned and researched every vacation we’ve ever taken otherwise. Point being, I love my husband but I don’t think it as an oversight…

  46. Pauline says...

    “but you should have asked”
    (“fallait demander” in French) a revolution here in France ! Everybody is talking about it. Well… Hello Guys yes it’s 2017 and women are exhausted because the vast majority of us are doing everything. And I am not even talking about single mothers who are my super heroes. So thank you Emma ! Thanks Cupofjo ! Bisous from France. Pauline

  47. Lea says...

    Ugh I so wish I lived in NY! I’ll be there next summer, maybe then :)

  48. Back says...

    You should’ve asked
    +10000000

    Probably the only enduring issue with my partner we haven’t been able to work through yet. I’m sending this!

    • Lauren says...

      The hardest part for us is that my (feminist) husband recognizes it, but doesn’t “remember” to address it. It just doesn’t come naturally to him. Like we all know we should be eating balanced meals every day, but that doesn’t make doing it any easier… But him simply acknowledging it (and defending me when people crack jokes about him cooking and cleaning) makes it easier to bear.

    • Lauren says...

      Wanted to add – though I really like my MIL, I do think how she raised my husband is part of the problem. (He begrudgingly agrees.) He’s accustomed to having a woman “manage” him and even thank him for taking care of himself, as if it was her responsibility and he was helping out. We’ve talked about raising potential future sons to be as independent as potential future daughters.

  49. Celeste says...

    That feedback tip is genius! I ask my supervisor every week if she has feedback for me and it’s usually, “no, you’re doing great!” but I always want more. I’m going to try this moving forward! (Also forwarded it to all my coworkers, so she may start getting requests from all of us for “advice” haha.)

    Enjoy your lazy weekend in Atlanta! <3

  50. Jane says...

    The “But you should have asked” comic is so great!

    About a year ago, I read a post on another blog about relationship advice for newlyweds. The comments were full of the average “never go to bed angry” platitudes, but someone posted the link I have posted below, saying, “Read this with your partner before getting married.” It’s actually a condensed version of the comments thread of a years-old metafilter article about emotional labor. It is a looooong read but is absolutely fascinating and changed my life and my marriage for the better.

    https://docs.google.com/document/d/1UPyDpDVXCG2cf7mBJ51ipcsAN6BhAr1GYDP6IUd2Vgk/mobilebasic?pli=1

    • El says...

      This is amazing, thank you!

    • MCW says...

      Thank you so much Jane for the introduction to the metafilter thread. What a goldmine. Long live Crone Island!!

  51. Jamie says...

    “But you should’ve asked”… yes. My boyfriend is actually quite good at
    remembering things (I almost wrote helping me remember things! Which would totally defeat the point of the cartoon!).
    But we used to fight often about housework. I have a full time job and he doesn’t (don’t worry, he’s renovating our house, mechanics our cars, does a lot of house and yard work, along with the occasional high paying gig. He’s basically an energizer bunny). He seemed to think if he had to do housework it was because I wasn’t keeping up with it. I remember one argument where I kept repeating, very clearly, if you do housework you can’t think of it as “helping me” or “I’m doing this because you didn’t do it.” No, you’re doing housework because you’re a human being doing his part of living in this house. We haven’t really argued about it since.

    • Lindsay says...

      So much yes to your comment! My fiance also loves to make cleaning up an ‘us’ event whenever he decides to clean (not often enough), meanwhile I’ve been cleaning as I go at all times. Just once I would like him to clean the bathroom.

  52. Jennie says...

    Oh my gosh, why don’t I live in NY?! Your blog got me through hard college times and years beyond, would be over the moon to give you a hug! Hope the party’s a smash. xx

  53. Lis says...

    I really cringed at that Vogue article. I’m guilty of “looking at life through the Instagram lens” and am totally trying to quit! Let’s enjoy vacations for their own sake, and not as an opportunity for contrived instagram poses to rack up likes!

  54. Jaclyn says...

    I wanted to share this blog i found today bc it blew my mind. It’s got cooking and house stuff and photography stuff…it’s breathtaking! (No I don’t know this person. It’s just that good!!!!!) Take a gander. Give it a google. It’s called Adventures in Cooking. http://adventuresincooking.com/

    • Mary says...

      I enjoyed that! Actually, I would love hear about favorite blogs of yours and other COJ readers . I adore Little Green Notebook, but it seems all but dormant lately. Manhattan Nest is another fave– but it doesn’t have new content frequently either.

    • Golden Moon says...

      I agree. I’m a staunch follower of your divine blog and would love to add a few more to my inspired reading list. A post on the best blogs with substance would be wonderful!

    • Alli says...

      This is a great idea! I’d love a round up of a few new blogs to read (and I promise I’ll still be loyal to CoJ!). I read Hither & Thither, Smitten Kitchen and this one, and then I’m stuck. I used to be a huge fan of Orangette but she rarely posts anymore, which is a bummer but I can only image how taxing it is to run a blog solo! So yes, please, for new recs!