Have a Fun Weekend.

Goodness, the readers here are the warm blanket and a cool glass of white wine I need in my cubicle on a Monday morning (A snowy Monday morning, after a weekend of 80 degree weather).

I have SO been enjoying the diverse and inclusive posts here.

I think, however, that the link to the ‘one’ behavior separating successful people from others totally runs counterintuitive to the culture of Cup of Jo. Here’s why:

When I read the article, even as a white woman, all I could think was, “so you’re saying: success = privilege?”. The idea that initiating something will make you successful, not “average,” holds no weight once we account for gender, race, and SES, among other factors.

The authors writes, among other things, “Most people only do what they are asked”; “They reach out to people, ask questions, make recommendations, offer to help, and pitch their ideas”; “Being successful requires being proactive and not waiting for life to come to you. It means you’re on offense, not defense. You’re active, not passive.”

What if life comes at you and you’re exhausted or broke or sick of being told that your ideas are sh*t? What if you do what you are asked because you’re working 2 jobs to afford your rent and you can’t take the risk.

My jaw dropped when the author, Benjamin, writes “Conversely, doing only what you’re told entails no risk and carries no responsibility. It’s playing safe.” If doing what you are told sustains your job which is woven into the daily risks inherent in socioeconomic injustice what does this even mean? The work and effort so many women, people of color, and LGBT individuals deal with on a daily basis makes the entire article so simple, too simple.

It seems to me that in order to “initiate” (i.e., not “play it safe”) you must exist in a pretty safe environment. Today, many of us do not have that privilege.

I can’t help but this of a sociologist, Annette Lareau, who studies how our upbringing colors our perception of success, effort, and agency. Here’s an Atlantic article summarizing some of her findings (though I highly recommend her book, too!): https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2012/02/explaining-annette-lareau-or-why-parenting-style-ensures-inequality/253156/

Paul Rudd quiz! So much fun. I only got 13 right!

Thank you so much for sharing Rue’s comment. (And thank you, Rue, for posting it.) You’ve expressed exactly how I feel. I’m sharing it with my anchors.

Enjoy your bike ride! It really is quite nice to go on a long bike ride… a nice workout without it feeling like one!!

Rue’s comment brought tears to my eyes. What a beautiful perspective on friendship… especially in those late 20s/early 30s when so many people are navigating their own (very different-looking) paths. I immediately shared her quote with my own two best friends.

As a 36 year old who has been married to a great guy for 12 years, I get asked about kids so frequently. My husband, not so much. Really never. I have always said “We don’t see it in our future right now, but we never say never” to encourage people to drop the subject. My reality of being a person who doesn’t want kids (most of the time) married to a person who doesn’t want kids has been challenging. I grapple with the thought that maybe others see my decision as selfish. I grapple with the thought that maybe there’s something inherently wrong with me. I grapple with the thought that maybe I’ll get to be sixty and then have a deep regret we never had kids. I worry that I’ll get to be eighty and have no one to take care of me and then chide myself for thinking about having kids just so they can take care of me when I’m eighty – that is selfish. I worry I’m missing out on a great joy. I worry my friends think I don’t like their kids and I go out of my way to interact and play with them probably beyond what is normal and then that leads to them saying “but you’d be such a good mom”. I worry my mother thinks I hate her because I haven’t given her a grandchild to love. But it doesn’t seem right to have a child just so my mother can have a grandchild. And then she got sick of waiting for a new baby to love and got herself a puppy. All together, I would say nothing is black and white and being a childless woman is a very gray area. Sometimes when people ask if I have kids I say “Not yet” in a kind of quiet, sad voice and that stops them in their tracks.

Rue, half your friends who are married will likely get divorced, so just remember that :) Their lives may seem perfect now, but everyone has their ups and downs in life.

The reader comment on being each other anchors blew me away. So incredibly true. So beautifully written.

Rue brilliantly articulates exactly what I feel often in life.

I was someone who really was on the fence whether they wanted to have a child or not. My husband was pretty much the same. We toyed with the idea of just being us forever, travelling, and all that.

Ultimately we decided we did want to have a family, and had a baby girl. And it has been hands down the best thing that ever happened to me. The amount I love that kid is crazy and I couldn’t have ever imagined that becoming a mother would feel so natural to me. You have no idea this kind of love could even exist pre-baby. It is completely and totally unique, and completely and totally the product of getting to experience creating a human being out of your own body.

I would feel sorry for myself if I lost it, but not if I had never chosen it in the first place. To experience that and lose it would be life crushing. But that is because I went through a crazy transformation having a child, both physical and emotional. Had we decided to never have children, we would have been perfectly happy and fulfilled. We didn’t feel like we were “less than” prior to our baby and we would have had a very wonderful life together.

I feel like in a lot of the conversation around this topic it is coming off as a debate, but that we aren’t really comparing apples to apples. To me it is very much an apples to oranges kind of scenario. Pre-baby me without a baby would have been very happy. Post baby me with my daughter is very happy and can’t imagine life without her.

that onion article! ha. i also love that topshop dress- so pretty!

xo, brittany

I think the article about kids is the same one you see again and again and lacks nuance. I know a ton of people who declare their aversion to having or raising children who then change their mind. Or who want kids and then have a lot of apathy regarding that decision.

Yes, our culture says there is one path and most people take it. Our bodies, as women, also conspire to push us on that path. I remember a huge flush of baby fever when I was 30.

The article sounds to me like so much whining–I’ve decided X, don’t talk to me about this decision. A more mature approach might be to say I’ve decided X RIGHT NOW, not encumbering your future with who you are now. It also would sidestep the will you/won’t you dichotomy of this discussion. If we thought that opting out was acceptable, there wouldn’t be articles highlighting the minority opinion.

Have a fun weekend too, and let me say that this morning you made my day by sending that article about finding the right haircut for your face shape.
I was smiling all the time but when I read “If your face is shaped like an infinitely particulate diaspora of sand and minerals, cast by wind and water across the bluffs of the cold world”, I almost spitted my café latte out of my nose.

I don’t want kids either, and everyone keeps telling me I’m gonna change my mind. Which I will not! Thank you for that article.