A Parenting Question…

I know, right?

My midwife looked at it this way – she found mothers fell into two broad camps: Doers, and Nondoers.

If you are a nondoer, at peace with being in the passenger seat, chilling on the couch, seldom bored, go-with-the-flow, then labor and infancy will be easier. The active sports teams years, not so much.

If you are a doer, a jump up attack the day, like to be busy, lots of friend outings person, labor may be tough until pushing because there is nothing to DO and infancy may drive you batty, but the chatty and sports-heavy years will be really satisfying.

Mothering gives us all the opportunities to use our skills, and come face to face with our shortcomings. Fret not!

Loved this! Lucky teens to have you in their lives and lucky parents too.

This comment made me smile. I am a middle school counselor and will adopt your quote about teens and “ how badly they want freedoms disproportionate to their skills and experience,” if that’s okay with you? :)

So much yes to all of these thoughts. My oldest daughter is 12 and it’s been such a challenge, as she continuously pushes boundaries, picks up fights with us (well, especially me) over anything, and goes from 0 to 1,000 and back in terms of drama in one split second, that I can barely keep up. By the time she’s over something, I am still licking my wounds from the dreadful remarkshe had lashed out seconds ago. And I have a hard time bouncing back. So it’s been hard.

But my husband has so much more patience, and he seems unfazed by the mood swings (and the constant tik tok dances…), and just lets all these things roll and, in this way, manages to find her. Every evening they both roll up together on the couch and read books until bed time. It’s so nice to see.

Thank you, LK, for making me see this time as my husband’s niche and not my own failure.

I just had to say this is my favorite comment! I have a 1 year old and a 3 year old so I completely relate to that sentiment!

I’m 25 and VERY far away from having kids of my own, but my sister is 16. I think a pretty safe bet Is to ask them to explain tiktok to you. ? That led my sister and I to talk for awhile. Also, if you have a particularly cerebral niece or nephew, ask them for their opinion on tiktok being the first Chinese based social media app to take the US by storm. Social media is a very integral aspect of this demographic’s life. It’s also a very broad topic that can be tailored to suit different personalities. You can ask questions ranging from help me make an account to follow cute dogs to how do you feel this stuff is affecting your life growing up. If they do in fact help you make an account to follow cute dogs, then you can send them adorable posts every once in awhile with a nice message about how you’re thinking of them and hope alls well. ?

No expert on teenagers but you can try varying the school question by being more specific – what’s the best/worst/most surprising/most tedious thing about school [maybe even *this week*], which teacher do you like the most and why, for the older ones: what subject would you drop right now and never think of again if you could, etc. Ask them for recommendations – books, films, TV, music, places to visit, what colour should you paint your living room… Get them to help you fix a problem with your phone!

We have a family friend who’s great with teens. Last time he was here he asked my teenagers what they are most proud of since he saw them last–they opened right up! I couldn’t believe it.

I do! My now 7 year old was once that 3 year old. I still shudder to remember a wild meltdown following “Papa Smurf” flavored ice cream that ended in her crying so hard she threw up all over her bedroom floor. (And as the name suggests, it was really blue.) She is an amazing 7 year old. Still sensitive, but in a way that helps her notice whenever anyone in the family needs a hand, that has her writing letters and sending Easter candy to all her friends from quarantine, and that – no kidding – prompted her to write a letter to the mailman thanking him for working while we stay home. Her sensitivity is her superpower.

And you know, that may not make it easier. I also have a 2 year old who is a lot like her sister was. She is also a feisty delight who drives me absolutely crazy and makes me question my parenting daily. I try to take it one slog-of-a-day at a time. And it also helps me to remember that, while I’m working hard to keep her clean and fed and safe and kind, she’s also working hard to process all the new, to do the work of becoming an amazing 7 year old and, here’s hoping, human.

My daughter turned 4 in February and over the past month or so has transformed into a much more thoughtful, lovely little person who I can have an actual conversation with (sometimes), who listens (usually), and who doesn’t freak out every time she stubs a toe. It’s so much better. It did take a lot of coaching and some time-outs along the way.

As a mom of twins who had two three year olds at the same time (oh joy!), I am here to tell you it absolutely gets easier. My girls are now six and are a joy to be around. Sure, we have our moments, but the constant attention required by toddlers, not to mention the control battles, is exhausting! This dissipates slowly and at six, they are still very snuggly and sweet with me. But also a lot more independent. Hang in there, mama! You are doing a great job.

Passed down from my wise, wise mother, I am a believer in the other half of this theory. Parents might have an age they are particularly good at parenting, but each child also has an age that they are particularly challenging. My mother will tell you I was the WORST 12 year old. (It’s true!) and that my brothers were hard at 5-6 and 19-20 respectively. For my own kids, my easy baby has proven to be a handful of a toddler (more trips to the ER for stitches than I care to tally!). I feel confident that this is his hard age. My others, we’ll see… I’m secretly hoping that my kiddos all have their worst year before they get too big (bigger kid, bigger problems, as they say). Maybe this is just your 3 year old’s hard year?

Oh hi. Hi, hi, hi, hi. Please check out the book “The Highly Sensitive Child” – I have found it so helpful in working with my almost 4 year old who is very, very much how your lovely daughter sounds. Also, “How Toddlers Thrive” is great on going there with a toddler on their feelings (“I KNOW! I want ice cream too even though it’s the morning! I want to eat everything in an ice cream truck! 10 ice cream trucks! 100 ice cream trucks! All the ice cream trucks in the world!) to help them feel seen and understood. <3

Oh my gosh. Hang in there! Three has been the HARDEST age. I have a daughter That sounds very similar To yours and almost magically, when she turned 4 things started to get better by leaps and bounds. Does she still drive me crazy some days and overreact to her world in ways that baffle me? Yes. But it’s so much more manageable now. Now—her younger brother was the easiest-going little dude UNTIL HE TURNED THREE… It has inspired a saying that I now use to get through his third year, “it’s just 3, it’s just 3…” (said in the Dory “just keep swimming” cadence)
It will get better. ❤️

Speaking as an almost 40 year old who was once – and still is, in many ways – that sensitive 3 year old: yes it can get better. Or easier to manage. But take her sensitivity seriously – by that I mean, what she is feeling and experiencing is real. Some of us just feel things more than others, and it won’t help anything if you try to minimize or brush off what she’s experiencing (or god forbid, tell her she’s overreacting). Just be that soft space to land, where she can work through it and figure out ways to manage and harness it, and most importantly: teach her how to put on her own oxygen mask first, as it were. Us empaths have a tendency to let other people walk all over us.

Annie K – I had a very strong willed toddler with lots of tantrums and time outs just didn’t work for her like they seem to with the rest of the world. The only thing that worked was getting down on her level, saying “Hey, what is going on?’ hugging her and letting her talk – once she was verbal. Just the hug usually diffuses the situation too. Someone told me the goal is not for her to mind me (what I wanted) but for her to be able to handle her emotions and that helped me feel less ineffective as a parent. (I still feel ineffective, but our house is pretty peaceful and she has turned into a nice teen so…it all worked out!)

Yes it gets easier, things do smooth out.
When my son was 3 someone gave me a book called “Your 3 Year Old: Friend or Enemy?”, and I seriously needed to know. This is what the book said: There’s nothing you can do about it, it will pass, and it’s ok to leave them with a babysitter, they will treat them way better than they treat you. So since none of us can go out and the baby sitter can’t come over, in your shoes I would be looking for other distractions – screens or whatever- that allow a break. Whatever it takes. Good luck!

Thank you each for your responses! I am eating all these personal experiences up, including yours, Jill, as a sensitive adult. Inspired my daughter, I took Aron’s sensitivity questionnaire awhile back and I rate as a highly sensitive adult. Many mornings, I’m arguing with/trying to support a tiny person whose sensitivities are setting off mine! And I’m the grown up! And it’s STILL hard to manage my sensitivities and give myself compassion, too. Thank you again, everyone. I’ll be revisiting this thread frequently.

What a sweet story, Hannah! Glad those kids have you in their life. :)