How Many Children Do You Hope to Have?

I had always wanted 5 children. After having 2 very easily, we just didn’t have any more luck. I didn’t feel the need to look into it, as we had 2 healthy children and it seemed that was how our family was meant to be. Fast forward 10 years later after having given away every single baby item we owned, and an unexpected pregnancy happened. I had become so settled into having just 2 that it took a long time to adjust to another. I love having a dessert baby as my OB called it, but I admit to daydreaming about where my life would have taken me if I hadn’t been sent back to the beginning of parenting again.

Joanna, I LOVE your blog, and read it every single day while I eat my lunch at work. I’ve never commented, but this post (which I am re-reading for the probably the 10th time) really hits home… and I keep coming back to it. How did you finally decide? How did you know that you know that you wanted your boys to slow down, rather than have another child? We’re in the same boat right now, with an almost 5 year old and almost 3 year old, and I feel like my window is closing. My husband is perfectly happy with 2, and life with the girls is just getting easy. We both work full time, with demanding jobs, and the girls are almost in school long enough to really cut back on child care, and the related expenses. All of that logic aside, I still can’t seem to get past this decision! I’d love your advice if you have time. Thank so much for “sharing” my lunch with me everyday! Erin

I think you should try for a girl.

Just saw this post again when browsing your site and felt compelled to share.

Honestly, I just pray for one baby. One healthy child to call my own. After dealing with infertility for seven years, the hope seems to be fading. We are looking to foster care and possibly adopting via our state, since private adoption is not a financial option. Posts like this are just so heartbreaking for me. You and many other healthy women try to prevent pregnancy since your family feels complete. Here I am with monthly doctor visits, needles, vials of blood, ultrasounds, tests and dollar upon dollar being spent to try and get me pregnant. It’s highly depressing.

My husband and I are going to have zero biological children. Neither one of us are interested in having babies, and I’ve never wanted to be pregnant, so he got a vasectomy a few months ago. We haven’t felt any regrets about our decision.

However, we really get along well with older kids, so we’re considering becoming foster/adoptive parents to some older kids once we’ve paid off student loans.

I’m hoping to give birth to one child and finances and luck permitting, we would not object to adopting a second one. But you never know how life is gonna turn out in the end… (Good luck to y’all)

My husband and I have agreed to try for a third. We had a son (4), then had three miscarriages in a row within the span of 12 months – hardest year of my life, and then had a daughter (1). Instead of scaring me away from pregnancy, the miscarriages make me want ALL THE BABIES. My husband rolled his eyes at that but agrees to trying for a third. And of course my most recent successful pregnancy experience is uppermost in my mind, so I am finding it hard to believe that I might have another miscarriage (or more) again, but I try to force myself to remember I might. But somehow it doesn’t scare me as much as it did that one awful year when I thought something in me must be broken beyond repair. While we as a couple may be more prone to miscarriages for some reason (the doctors never really could explain to me why), my daughter showed that a successful pregnancy is still possible. Now if I have *more* than three miscarriages in a row again, I might change my tune. And then try to convince my husband to adopt.

Great conversation here! Obviously, I think there are so many factors that go into your decision to have children in the first place and when to stop. It is a very personal, individual decision, and I feel peace about ours. For my husband and I, there are several reasons why our family is stopping at 2 boys (currently ages 7 and 4): a) I got a new job. I took two long maternity leaves (9+ months- I am blessed) when I was at my old school and when I got a new teaching job at a lovely all-girls school, I didn’t feel the need to take maternity leave again. b) I am 35. I wanted to make the decision before then. c)The cost factor. After daycare and said (unpaid) maternity leaves, we have almost spent $100,000 on our kids so far. That does not include diapers, clothes, food, COLLEGE, etc. d)No family to help. My dad has Alzheimer’s and my mom is his full-time caregiver. My husband and I do all of the shuffling, sick days, etc, to make our working family function. I think that having 3 would just tip the balance too far for us. I am trying to focus on loving and enjoying my men!

Really wanted to have a lot of kids but after 5 years of marriage, we’re still trying to get pregnant :( it’s really difficult to be diagnosed with unexplained infertility so we’re hoping and praying that we’ll be blessed with a child soon.

Jo – thanks for sharing your process around having a 3rd child. I remember going through a similar struggle but it was not a possibility for my family for a variety of reasons. My baby is 5 (I also have two boys, oldest is 7) and I’m just enjoying every bit of his lingering “baby” sweetness. I also look forward to them both being in the 6 to 12 years, I have a feeling it will be different from having 2 little guys but really fun from a family perspective. Nowadays I look at younger women having their 2nd and 3rd and I just smile, happy to have had that experience and happy to be on the other side too!

My parents only planned on two, and were thrilled with two girls, three years apart. But then my sister died in an accident, and they went on to have my younger brother and sister, to bring some much-needed joy back into our family. I am so grateful they did, and I can’t imagine our family being complete without them. Being one of two, then just one, and then one of three, made me want a big family. We have two girls, a third on the way, and would be thrilled to have a 4th. I know that not all siblings have good relationships, but seeing the love between my two and the excitement they have for a new baby, makes me hopeful that they will always love and care for one another.

What a big decision. I just wanted to say, way to go, sister–it’s hard to listen to the quiet voice inside, or gut feeling, what have you–and I think it’s great you feel clear on this. I’m a mom of two boys, too, and have been chewing on this issue. Also, I’ve been walking around town, remembering “I’m afraid of death, who knew?” and smiling . I think it’s so helpful you could separate issues out to help figure out what you really wanted. So glad a friend recommended your blog to me months ago.

Oh Jo, I loved this post. I love seeing everyone’s reasoning behind family size!

I’ve always wanted three. I was an only child, and when my husband and I started talking about babies, three was the magic number. Then my first child was born. Oh my word. Such love. I love my husband to pieces, but I had never experienced literal heartaches of love over loving another person so deeply! Our little guy is the center of our world. He’s a lot of work, and I miss the alone time with my spouse, but oh, I love that little boy! So…slowly our number has crept up. Maybe 4? Wouldn’t 4 be nice? It’d be an even number, etc. The logical part of my brain knows that four children would be a nightmare, chaotic, and we would constantly be financially strapped– but logic so rarely comes into play when talking about baby lust. I’m now at the point where I’m daydreaming that we accidentally conceive surprise triplets. ;)
I’m only turning 30, but I had a really difficult pregnancy. Difficulty conceiving and problems throughout the pregnancy, and lasting issues even after the birth, so there’s that. I have no idea if we’ll ever be able to conceive again, but the idea of my son’s future brothers and sisters have permanently burrowed themselves into my brain.

I quit my job to have another. I have two boys and I’ve never been happier. I dream about a third, but I think it’s because I love babies, not because I love the chaos. I tell myself that if we only have two we’ll be able to travel and nurture our two the best we can. If we have a third I think we’d be strapped. Maybe it would go better than we think, but I don’t know if I want to test it out. I loved this post. I’m glad I quit my job because I think it really is allowing me to soak up this time with them and slow it down a bit. Work makes it all so much busier. Plus with two boys I really need to question if I would want a third boy. I don’t think I do which is a really good reason to stop. I had NO disappointment with my second boy, but I think I would really want a girl for my third. Now, if I KNEW I would have a girl I might go for it!

I just *knew* I would have five boys. When the fourth turned out to be a girl I said “We’re done” :0) Not that I was waiting for a girl, but hey if what I thought wasn’t to be, then now seemed like a good time to be done. (four natural births- so wonderful, but yes, I’m done, whew!)

I should say on the other hand if we have an ‘oops’ baby, we would welcome that child (or those children) as well.

I loved this post so, so much – mostly because it’s something I think about a lot. I’m 27 and haven’t been married long but my husband and I discuss how many kids we want frequently. I’m one of two kids (I have a younger brother) and as a child, I wished on every birthday cake, every dandelion, etc. for a younger sister and always felt like someone was missing from my family. Only as an adult did I learn that my mother also wanted a third child, but my father didn’t want to for financial reasons. Recently, he’s started talking about his regret over not having had a third child and imagining what our family would be like now with a third.

I don’t know if it was a consequence of this sort of phantom sibling or what, but I have always, always pictured myself having three children (despite thinking two would be so much more practical for cars, hotels, etc. and more practical financially.) I just have always felt deeply as if I’m meant to have three for whatever reason. I think I’ll definitely be taking it as we go and see how we feel after two, because who knows how we’ll feel at that point (and hopefully we’re fortunate enough to be able to have them at all)!! However, I do think now that if we don’t take the plunge and have a third, I’ll always think about my third baby and what they might have been like, the same way I think about the youngest sibling I never had.