
By the lovely Grace Farris.
P.S. Fun tween things, and 10 things I love about parenting teenagers.
So true!
My six year old fell asleep in my bed while reading and I caught a glimpse of his baby face… he’ll sleep here tonight and I’ll call my mom in the morning. “It goes fast” is the only true thing.
I only have an 86 month old but I seem to have already forgotten what it was like when he was a baby. Thank goodness for photos and videos!
OMG EXACTLY!
Talk about money. Financial literacy. Teens crave inclusion in money matters, not just spending.
Worth a watch:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A-ldVxRVhtI
Worth gifting and/or reading together:
Priceless Facts about Money (Mellody on Money)by Mellody Hobson
When I was old enough to not want to be babyish, my mom started telling me “I know you’re not a baby, but you are always my baby.” She still says it sometimes, and I’m 43. Now I say it to my 6-year-old and truly understand the words.
Ugh. Exactly. My 18 year old who is majoring in physics- PHYSICS- bugged me all morning about how to make sushi rice in the instapot. My answer the whole time was, “You don’t!” His response: “I know YOU can’t, mom but it can be done.” He tried it and it turned out mushy. Finally, he googled it, made decent rice, and made me California rolls for lunch.
It was a roller coaster of emotions but I got sushi in the end.
It’s such a balance, giving them freedom to grow and supporting them when they struggle while tolerating every emotion they have for us at the same time. Today, though, I am thank for sushi.
Perfection. **sob**
Oh ❤️ this dropped my heart
THIS. But my ‘teen’ is only six. Boba tea and “can we put on some Chappell Roan?” were not on my primary years parenting agenda!
THE TEARS! You’ll always see them as your babies, even when they’re big.
Oh this is so true. One minute, the guy is curled up next to me on a couch watching tv and urging me not to get up and end cuddle time. The next minute he is yelling at me for making him go to school with a bad haircut. #teenagemeltdowns
In Steve Martins more recent cartoon comedy book, Number One Is Walking: My Life in the Movies and Other Diversions, there is an illustration of a couple smiling upon the face of their infant. The Mother is holding the baby in her arms. The only caption is the infant’s caption: “I own you.”
What value in those 3 words.
My 15 year old son just said he would spend the last day of the school holidays bushwalking with me.. my heart might just melt into a puddle. I thought the teen years would be hard but seriously they are the best!
This may come across unpopular, but I want to share that as someone about to have a baby of my own and in my 30s. I have been particularly peeved by how many adults treated me like a child well into my late 20’s and now early 30’s. I’ve really made an effort to treat people I knew as children as adults when they age into their 20s. My nephews are in college now and I remember them as toddlers, these are real grown adults we can all learn from. The adults that fail to see me as an adult are not ones I try to have a relationship with, and that includes my direct family.
But it’s not about treating your teens or young adult children as children. It’s about always remembering each version of them. For me, it’s so visceral sometimes. I can be talking to my 6 foot 1 fifteen year old and get a flashback to how it felt to hold him as a newborn. I can see and almost feel the fabric of his blue swaddle. And I can still hear his little chipmunk toddler voice. I’m of course aware that he’s almost grown but all of those versions of him are alive for me too.
I could not agree more with this statement. I’m in my late 30s now and a highly educated executive in my field, yet my parents still treat me like a clueless child. They make patronizing comments and show very little respect for my perspective on pretty much any topic (including my actual profession). They then wonder why I don’t go out of my way to spend time with them… gee, maybe because I would rather spend time with adults who treat me as an equal.
VGL, I’m sorry that the people in your life treated you like a child when you were an adult. Not good.
But I think this cartoon is about the mom’s perspective: Your teen is still the person who came out of your body as a little 6-pound lump even when they are telling you all about the Peloponnesian War. It’s fun and really wild, and your brain has to make space for these two seemingly-at-odds things to be true.
Having that “this is bizarre” feeling is not a reason to condescend to your teenager; if you do, you’ll miss out on learning interesting stuff about the Peloponnesian War! It’s just a chance to appreciate the extreme weirdness of motherhood.
Congrats on your pregnancy!
Yes, but as a mom, your baby will always be your baby. That doesn’t mean you don’t try to treat them with different levels of independence and respect as they age. But they’ll always be your baby.
Hard agree! This outlook will serve you so well as a parent. Congratulations and enjoy!
Side note: I get weird looks from other adults when I talk to teens as adults. Not inappropriately, obviously – just bringing them into conversations and showing genuine interest in their options. It pains me when I talk to them and their parents answer for them!
I feel like this is a case where 2 things can be true. You can talk to and treat your kid as a normal person and have real expectations and hold them accountable and have honest conversations and invite them to contribute… and you can look at them with whiplash wondering how time went so fast.
VGL, your comment resonates with me and so does the cartoon.
The question that I would ask the parents who see their son or daughter as “their child” is whether this means they see them as “child-like”. And, to the adult children, do you see yourself as a child in the context of the relationship with those people? Are there ways you could more firmly situate yourself as the adult that you are?
I’ve spent a good deal of time – basically since 2020, working through those last two questions, and because of it, I feel like I am being treated more as an adult peer, and in turn, I am able to see my six year old as a growing and changing human who eventually will be my peer as well.
This is so important to remember and I strive to treat young people in my life (my kids, my students) with respect. I learn from them all the time. I have sort of the opposite problem in my family. My widowed parent seems to view me as this wise, competent adult that they can unload all their fears and feelings onto and I still kind of just want to be their kid sometimes even though I’m in my 40s. I feel like I have no one left to lean on in that way and I didn’t expect to lose that so early in life.
Gently, when I saw the cartoon I didn’t think of the mother as forever treating her growing child as an infant but as other folks have already chimed in – as a wild ability to see this growing person at all their different stages. After I had my first son, I remember waiting outside the hospital for my husband to pick us up for our first ride home and seeing all the adults around me with the dawning realization that they/we were all once so tiny and new and vunerable. Blew my fucking mind. We ALL start out so incredibly helpless and tender – it ripped my heart wide open.
@Erin Geiger Smith, I want to gently remind you that not all babies come from their moms’ bodies. It can feel excluding to read that — like “maybe my mom didn’t feel like that because she didn’t experience it?” I am very sure you would never mean it like that but I wanted to quietly say this for next time — for your adopted/foster/nontrad family friends in the world.
No idea why my comment tagged “Erin Geiger Smith.” Sorry!
Honestly, I did not get this cartoon at first. I had to read the comments and then was like…”um, ok”. Lol. I have three teens, the oldest of which is going to college next year. Yes, I still think about their baby years, but each stage is great and I don’t want to go in reverse. It’s SO cool when they can talk about world events, carers, friends, etc.
I’m 47, with two degrees and my own company and have lived all over but my parents still think they know more than me (we really disagree about politics). I’m actually more experienced than them in many ways. I think some parents always see their kids as children. It’s frustrating!
Treating an adult as a child is not the same as remembering someone as a child.
And it is important to be able to reflect on adults, everyone, let alone our own children as having been babies once. We have all been that vulnerable once and have very different journeys.
There are also those people in their twenties, and some in their thirties, who perturbingly embrace and endorse infantilisation of themselves and their peers.
I guess I’d say let the mama who has not thought of her adult child as a baby cast the first stone. I’d hate to forget and lose sight of what my kids were like as babies and not remember the breadth of parenting and raising them.
@Kate, I appreciate your comment and in fact all the perspectives being offered here. I want to address the word “peers” to describe parents. I realize it was just the word that came to mind and I think I know what you were trying to communicate, but it must be said that the parent-child relationship is unique and different… my parents are not “my peers”. They just aren’t. Maybe it is cultural. Of course there should be mutual respect etc, but I think it is okay that they are not my peers. That is not the nature of a parent-child relationship. parents are people way ahead of us in years and they understand by sheer experience and time a lot things the offspring does not, yet. I think it is good to look to the older generation for some guidance, advice and perspective. I am in my 50’s now, and I still look to my mother (in her 80’s) for advice.
My oldest just finished her first year of college this past winter. I think I am in the minority but I am 100% excited for her independence. I cannot wait for her to find herself and enjoy things in a new world outside of my and my husband’s world. Not that we do not miss her but I certainly feel like it’s amazing for her. Zero desire to frame her as a toddler or tween.
I so agree Mandy. I said to my 18 year old daughter just the other day, go, go and have fun, enjoy your life, travel. I’ve always told my kids to travel, go see what awaits them. My 22 year old son replies he’s always staying with me and dad.(wonder what his girlfriend will say)
I get it! Each stage is really great. I’m so excited for my high school senior. He’s ready to go but he knows he has a safety net with my husband and me. It’s such an exciting time for them.
Same, same. It feels like I made it to the other side of this huge mountain and I can look back on it and say “we made it” and she’s wonderful. There’s so much life ahead for her and for me, on our
separate paths. I have no desire to go back or see her as a small child but I know many people feel differently.
i saw meme that said, “parenting teens is crazy because this person who’s way taller than you will come around the corner and then ask how to open a popcorn bag.”
love this!
hahahahaha!
Or they’ll give you genuinely good advice about something adulty while watching cartoons in a pillow fort. It’s an age of contrasts, lol.
Thank you! This made me laugh so much!!!
The chat bubble could have simply said “Bro” and I’d still tear up.
100% accurate! Love this.
Nailed it. (and to add, this is how it feels even when they’re in their 30’s.)
Right, LL?!?! I was just going to write this myself!
It’s the ultimate liminal space. They are fully driving cars and going to jobs, yet they have no idea what their SSN is.
The ultimate liminal space!!! Thank you so much for sharing that phrase. That’s really helped me articulate a jumble of thoughts plaguing me recently!
My oldest is graduating from high school this year and sometimes I feel like my heart is going to explode. He’s so wonderful, and competent, and funny, and smart, and also still so little. He just got accepted at a nearby university so I’m hoping maybe he won’t totally leave us. But I am not telling him any of this!!
Crossing my fingers for you that he chooses the nearby school! :) That’s what I would be hoping for too (but also not telling them so it’s their own decision, ha ha).
I end up staring at them and just taking them in haha.
why did this make me cryyyyyyy!!!
Ha! On the nose!
My eldest is graduating in May. So that little squishy swaddled baby is getting ready to move out and head to college.
We’re approaching this with my oldest child. It is a hurricane of emotions! I did not have the proper appreciation when my friends with older kids crossed that bridge before me. Part of my brain sees her competency and readiness, but another part of my brain sees only her four year old self!
Oh man, yes! My 15 year-old has recently started wearing his hair *exactly* how I kept it when he was a toddler and all I can see when I look at him is that toddler. It’s a bit of a head trip to see that toddler face while listening to his serious thoughts about real world issues.
YES!!!!!
My oldest is 6 (almost 7!) and this made me tear up. ❤️
Perfect capture the zeitgeist of the experience! Grace is a genius, I love her art.
going from 0 to 100 in a second, I burst into tears seeing this.
Oh my gosh, YES!
I refer to my teen as my “newborn”, all time. He will always be my newborn.
Spot. On. I love this so much!
EXACTLY EXACTLY.
The Brooklyn-based writer on the joy of layering and colorful socks.
I pulled into the grocery-store parking lot with my toddler and baby...