A couple weeks ago, I did something I shouldn’t have…

My laptop was being glitchy, so I pulled out my old, half broken one, and I came across a TREASURE TROVE of videos of the boys when they were little.

And, reader, I watched them.

Anton telling a story in his raspy toddler voice; Toby belting out a song from Trolls; Anton kissing my knees, right where my jeans were ripped; Toby mispronouncing the word “motorcycle” (his version was “masimoto,” my heart!)

There were hundreds. I watched them all.

For the next few days, I couldn’t shake a strange, sad feeling in my chest. Why was I feeling so off? And I realized, it was the videos. As your children grow, those past versions of them fade away, and that brings a certain heartbreak. While we’re so, so lucky that they’re growing up, each year passing is both a gift and a theft. Do you ever feel the same? (Or is this just pandemic overthink?)

Anton as a baby:

Toby as a baby:

The boys together:

Do you feel this way? As my friend said, there must be a German word for this.

P.S. Toby nostalgia, and 20 surprising parenting tips.