Design

Have a Good Weekend.

dog walker by Stoops Of Brooklyn

What are your plans this weekend? We have been eating ice cream every day to cool off, and honeycomb has become our official family flavor. Have a good one, and here are a few links from around the web…

How micro aggressions made my dream of living in suburbia impossible.”

Have you seen the show Say I Do? It’s so good; I loved this episode.

Is sex dead for parents? “While in domestic confinement, the most comforting thing I can say to my female friends, near and far, is not ‘This too shall pass.’ Nor is it ‘We can do hard things.’ It is my own pearl of wisdom, and it goes something like this: ‘Don’t worry, no one actually wants to have sex with their husband.'” (New York Times)

We discovered the best game! I can’t stop playing it.

Pregnancy dressing advice from nine women.

Oh, just the greatest gymnast of all time.

Rooting for Biden.

Hair Love is going to be adapted into an HBO series.

The 2020 Audubon photography award winners. (That scuba diver!)

Oooh, tomato season is almost upon us. How about tomato salad or tomato sandwiches?

Plus, three reader comments:

Says Becky on would you do a wedding first look: “We chose to do a first look! But I was SO jittery and on such a blissfully weird emotional high that day, that instead of the sweet blushing bride tap on the shoulder that most people probably give to their groom, I crept over to him like a freaky little dinosaur-creature and full-on yelled ROAAARR!!! as I pounced on him! I have no idea why I did that but he was definitely surprised.”

Says Christina on the five best graphic novels: “I really recommend Palimpsest by Lisa Wool-Rim Sjöblom. So much happens in the pictures — slight changes in attitude and glances — that I couldn’t put it down. And then I read it again.”

Says Elise on my relationship with my daughter is full of love and loss: “Wow, this is a stunningly beautiful piece of writing. I still maintain that my favorite parenting book of all time isn’t your typical parenting book about sleep schedules and baby-led weaning, but a hauntingly, achingly, resoundingly beautiful memoir, The Still Point of the Turning World by Emily Rapp. It’s about how she learned to parent her baby — whom at a very young age was diagnosed with a terminal illness that would kill him by three-years-old — for the absolute moment and not for the person he would become. It changed my whole life, and I am a different parent because of it.”

(Photo by Stoops Of Brooklyn/Instagram. Audubon winners via Kottke.)

Note: If you buy something through our links, we may earn an affiliate commission, at no cost to you. We recommend only products we genuinely like. Thank you so much.

  1. Ann says...

    Thank you so much for the article on micro aggressions in suburbia! The internet is full of articles that suggest “20 best places to live” and “10 best family vacation spots.” Not a single one of these articles addresses how diverse those “best places” might be. Please consider this issue when you recommend vacation spots to your friends and readers.
    A couple years ago we joined my parents at a beach house in a very white vacation spot in Alabama. A kid on the playground used a racial epithet against my half Chinese-half white kid. And everywhere we went we got stares. My parents invited us the next year and we said no. Nobody needs that crap on vacation.
    We used to live in a small midwestern city, and could count on 1 hand the number of couples that looked like us. And more stares. We moved away to start our family in a more diverse area, where we can both feel at home.

  2. K8 says...

    I’m still trying to process the suburban article… I’m white but I too, have felt the coldness of the suburbs… the lack of connectedness and averted glances. I’ve tried for years but can’t quite put my finger on it exactly. From my perception and point of view, I think it is bigger than race (but understand it has something to do with race – not trying to underplay that) because I am more liberal, not religious, and don’t have children – I have not felt embraced by my suburban community. I would love to hear if other women have experienced this as well. On the surface, I might “look” as if I belong- but “underneath” it all, I feel as though I do not.

  3. Stephanie says...

    I am heartbroken by the article about the suburbs. My wonderful, amazing biracial (half Asian) cousin is in the process of moving to suburban Ohio as a soon to be single mom by choice due to cost of living and help from her brother and his family. No one in the world could not like her. But is this the way it will be? I hope where she’s moving will be better.

  4. Anita says...

    Will Cup of Jo consider doing a more in depth post on the pros of voting for Biden? It seems to be a topic of high interest for many readers, myself included.

    • Stephanie says...

      Pros: not having an illiterate malignant narcissist as the leader of the free world? Cons: risking loss of an imaginary purity badge.

    • Anita says...

      Stephanie, I agree with you but have a hard time convincing many others who would rather vote the third party, and I do see shades of gray in people’s views, so a more in-depth and thoughtful discussion piece, as opposed to quick thought right or wrong views, might go a long way in convincing those who are still unsure.

    • Amanda L says...

      Hi Anita,
      I’m not stoked on voting for Biden (I was planning on voting Warren, then she dropped out by my Primary and I voted Bernie), but I’m going to because:
      -I know many LGBTQ people. I want their life experiences to matter and for them to be respected. This current President does not do this.
      -I am a woman and believe in the right to choose if I want a child or not. This current President does not believe this.
      -Our current President will be able to nominate at least 1 more Supreme Court Justice in his next term if we let him win. Look at Kavanaugh’s decisions on this past session. Do you agree with them? I do not.
      These 3 reasons are my personal reasons for voting for Biden, along with what Stephanie said above. Because she is right. He is pure evil, and we need to vote for the future of America. A vote for a 3rd party candidate really seems to me like throwing away your voice in a time where we desperately need to be heard.

  5. Julie says...

    I love Rummikub!!!!

  6. WMom says...

    Re: is sex dead for parents? No, not in my house. Quarantine had the opposite effect. Even though I have 3 kids 11, 9 and 6, I was ready any time my husband was.. My friends told me it is a symptom of terror management theory, which happens when you are faced with the terror of death. So we have has a lot of fun. Wink!

  7. L says...

    Loved the Audubon photos. The grand prize winner is absolutely breathtaking and otherworldly, actually. Funny enough, I saw them as my ex texted to point out his photos in the top 100. We met at not the right time in life, but damn, I’d be taking some cooler trips to focus on photography if we had.

  8. Ru says...

    I have to say, it’s really disappointing seeing so many liberals post about BLM and police brutality and then turn around and put their support behind Biden. While I understand feeling that his win would make people and the environment a little safer than they would be under trump, we have to continue to push him and hold him to higher standards before giving him our support. Biden does not want to defund the police. That is in direct opposition to BLM. You cannot wholeheartedly support both BLM and Biden.

    • Mollie says...

      I agree that it is absolutely essential that he is held to the highest standards, and that we must make sure he signs off on legislation that will ensure Black lives do truly matter in our country. However, the fact of the matter is, it was Black Democrats who chose Biden as the Democratic nominee. “58 percent of black voters supported Biden. In Alabama, North Carolina, and Virginia, Biden’s margins among black voters were even higher, nearing or topping a 70 percent share of the vote.” Black voters are pramatists who want Trump out and who recognize that Biden is the best bet to defeat Trump (from Vox: https://www.vox.com/policy-and-politics/2020/3/4/21164479/super-tuesday-results-exit-polls-turnout-patterns)

  9. Britt says...

    I second this! <3

  10. Beth says...

    Would Cup of Jo ever consider doing a dating advice column? I have loved hearing insights from Joanna over the years, and more recently Caroline, and truly find myself wanting both of your reactions to other, real life situations, is that weird?! As a professional woman in her early 30s who lives alone, contending with what dating is going to look like for the foreseeable future due to the pandemic is especially overwhelming – and yet some of the same old challenges haven’t seemed to change a bit. I wonder if other readers are in a similar boat and would be into something like this so just thought I’d ask.

    • Joanna Goddard says...

      oooh that’s a fun idea!

    • CS says...

      I’m happily married for over two decades, but honestly I LOVE reading posts about dating topics, advice, and stories. Lol! Not sure why! I guess dating was a fun part of my early 20’s, and I was very lucky and found the love of my life and was married by 24. But I am still a romantic and love to hear all about it! ?

    • CM says...

      I would also LOVE to see this covered! I’m single and ready to start dating again but have no idea how to navigate it in the current situation…

    • Michelle says...

      As a black woman this article is total ish. Joe Biden doesn’t have to earn my vote, I just want Trump out. All these purity tests and earn my vote are getting on my nerves. Can we just get Trump out? Perhaps in a Biden administration he will have Romney and other sensible republicans in some positions and the government will work like it’s supposed to.

    • CS says...

      Thank you, Michelle. That is just so perfectly put! ?

    • Vish says...

      I for one, am a bit shocked to see the negativity around this thoughtful post, this is exactly the sort of nuanced view we need to take. The way you may think the government is supposed to work was actually not working for many American’s and that’s how we got to Trump in the first place. I think a vote for Biden with a push for more progressive and inclusive policies from Democrats is what is needed. You may not mean it this way, but the tone of the responses come across as Biden is good enough, and those who disagree should stay quiet about it.

  11. Helga says...

    This is the difference between taking a bus that gets you close to your destination vs. a bus that doesn’t have a route and the driver is unlicensed, won’t listen to directions, and just wants to find a golf course.

  12. Kate says...

    To the people who would rather not vote/vote third party than vote for Biden – I will be holding you accountable. If conservative Supreme Court justices are appointed – who will likely stay for much of my lifetime – and overturn Roe v Wade, I will hold you accountable. If my trans friends cannot access health care because this administration just said it is perfectly legal for health care providers to deny care to trans people, I will hold you responsible. If the ACA is repealed, I will hold you responsible. If my immigrant family members and friends will not be able to enter the country because of an increasingly impossible and punitive immigration system, I will hold you responsible. If our public school system continues to disintegrate from underinvestment and twisted policies by Betsy Devos, I will hold you responsible. If environmental protections continue to be rolled back, I will hold you responsible. Biden is not perfect and is not my first choice, but the ramifications of another Trump term would be disastrous and would leave long-term scars.

    • Natalie says...

      Yes, Kate, this exactly. Thank you for putting it so eloquently.

    • Lisa says...

      All of this. Kate, I want to be your friend. Rock on.

    • Amanda W. says...

      Yes!!! All of this! Thank you! Biden was never my first choice, but I will be there to vote for him come November. Our country will not survive another four years of Trump, and that’s what will happen if you vote third-party or stay home. It’s terrifying to think.

    • Maggie says...

      Yes! I was going to post the same – she says: “What I’m saying is that in our electoral system as it exists, neither party represents the future that we need in this country. Both parties remain connected to corporate capitalism. But the election will not so much be about who gets to lead the country to a better future, but rather how we can support ourselves and our own ability to continue to organize and place pressure on those in power. And I don’t think there’s a question about which candidate would allow that process to unfold.”

  13. Agnès says...

    Have a good week-end too! we’ re a big fan or rummi as well and I’ve been playing chess recently and loving it.

  14. M says...

    Simone Biles and Hair Love. YES and YES!

  15. Kara says...

    Thao’s microaggression article was, in the words of Glennon Doyle, “brutiful.” Beautifully written, brutal life reality. I’m a white women who grew up in southern Ohio (and have a lot of Ohio/Midwestern pride having lived in places that look down on what they imagine is all cornfields and people who are nice just because they aren’t very smart), and my initial thoughts as I read were a “no no no” of dread, even though I am well aware of the insidious and overt racism BIPOC experience there. I currently live in Silicon Valley where the demographics show Asian and White people in about equal percentages. The housing market is horrific and unaffordable, so my husband and I always talk about how far our money would go if we moved back home. He was commiserating with a Korean American co-worker over their inability to afford a house here and asked his co-worker if he considered moving somewhere in the Midwest. His co-worker basically laughed and said something along the lines of why would he move away from somewhere that he is accepted and surrounded by people who look like him to somewhere that he’d face racism everyday. (Of course not saying that California is not racist or that there aren’t various Asian communities in Ohio.) It hit my husband (and then me in his retelling) full smack in the face that this is never something we have to think about when considering a move.

  16. katie says...

    To all of you who would rather vote third party than Biden, I hold you personally responsible if Trump is re-elected and Roe vs. Wade is. overturned. Especially if you live in a swing state.

    Real change won’t come from the President. It will come from local and state elections.

    McConnell is the devil incarnate. Right now, he is purposely asking older judges to retire so Trump and the Republican Party can stack the courts with younger conservatives. Take control of the Senate.

    Don’t get me wrong, Trump is horrible! But I don’t know why people are solely focused on the President. We need change at all levels of government.

    • April says...

      Yes. This. Unfortunately, if you vote third party, you are not voting for change – you are voting for Trump.

      Four more years of Trump. That is the reality of what would happen. And let me tell you, good luck trying to change things then.

      Ask yourself: Will you be able to work toward positive change with Trump?

      Look at the two alternatives. Even if Biden is not your ideal candidate, even if you wish everything was different, it is not. This is the reality: these are the two choices this time, and the consequences will be real, too.

      Think long and hard. Look at the big picture. A third party vote will help seal Trump’s agenda: corruption, greed, All manner of human rights (unless you are a billionaire) will suffer, and the environment might not even survive another 4 years of his administration.

      Vote for a third party, and you help Trump get elected. That is the bottom line.

    • Becky says...

      Well said

    • Anna says...

      AMEN. Shout it from the rooftops. Vote Biden or never live down the damage that you’ve done to our children, our grandchildren, and the world.

  17. nadine says...

    Soo, I just saw the movie The surrogate and it really hit me. I think you or other readers may find it interesting and I would love to hear your thoughts..
    https://www.monumentreleasing.com/the-surrogate-theatrical
    Has anyone seen it?

    Anyway thank you for another week of content Jo and team. I appreciate a lot your work and I hope you get to enjoy the weekend, have fun and rest well.

  18. Becka says...

    I hope you bought Cup of Joe mugs for everyone on the Cup of Jo team! <3

    • celeste says...

      I seriously want one.

  19. Jessica says...

    Elise’s comment above gave me pause to notice something about my experience as a parent. I hear about parents envisioning thier kids’ big moments when they are older (weddings, grads, etc) and I recently noticed that I don’t do this for my kid. At all. Before having my daughter, I had a boy who we tragically lost in utero. Obviously that experience defined how we approached the subsequent birth and raising of my daughter. Every day with her is a gift. Having learned how quickly it can suddenly end, I think looking ahead must feel too fraught for me and I pretty much just live in the moment. I hadn’t really noticed this before now.

    • Lisa says...

      Jessica, I feel similarly. I went into preterm labor at 20 weeks and was told my daughter would likely not make it to viability (24 weeks). The odds they gave were grim. I was on bedrest at home and then hospital bedrest until I had her at 29 weeks. Every step of the way we were just so thankful that she made it and was relatively healthy. Many of my friends would feel sadness as their children grew (oh how are they 6 months/1 year/2 years already!). I didn’t feel this at all. Instead I celebrated every milestone since they weren’t a given and every pound gained. She’s 3.5 years old now and I am just starting to feel some sadness about her growing up. It may have something to do with coronavirus- we just pulled her out of preschool next year because she is considered high risk due to chronic lung and airway issues (which are honestly minimal but she does require steroids with every little cold or cough). Anyway, you aren’t alone. I too try to live in the moment and appreciate what we have. Her.

  20. K says...

    Thao Thai’s article is so moving; I read it when the link went up yesterday and am still thinking about it. I know it is easy to think that our own towns/neighborhood are not like that and would have said the same of my hometown (a small city in New England known for its restaurants and “progressiveness”). But then I moved back to my hometown with my husband who has Hispanic first and last names. At first, I thought it was some weird glitch when his emails about rentals received no response, but my (identically worded) emails received invitations to view apartment/houses, but it kept happening — every single time. And, once these potential landlords met my husband—who presents as a very preppy native English speaker—they would be keen to rent to us. But, even as we’ve doubled-down on life here and bought a home, I always make the first inquiry to a lawyers office/car dealership/school/whatever just so we can enjoy the privilege of my Anglo last name and not really address the prevalence of prejudice in our chosen home and the community where we are raising our children. All this is a long way of saying that it’s so hard to catch even a glimpse of how profound white privilege is and the ways our lives are shaped by racism when you are white. I’ve only had this little window into it and am ashamed that I’ve basically played along to make my own family’s life a bit easier….

  21. Daxi says...

    Please post my perspective. I am a mother of color in a predominantly Black neighborhood. The BLM movement is increasing the microaggression situations described by Thao, across the country. It is heartbreaking that most readers of this blog think that supporting BLM is supporting people of color and/or their quality of life in America. Nothing could be further from the truth. As BLM’s donations and voices increase, our Black/Brown communities are drowning in increasing crime and fear with no hope in sight. Their actions are oppressing communities of color more than ever in our lifetime, and are fostering further division in a country that Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. dreamed would be united and safe for ALL children.

    • Jenna says...

      Thank you very much for posting your perspective, Daxi. It’s important to look a little deeper into the BLM movement.

    • Joaquina says...

      Congratulations. You have posted the most mind-boggling, crazy comment about BLM yet. Wow. You are either proudly ignorant of the actions, activism, and progress behind Black Lives Matter or in a very bad place in your life. Perhaps both. I wish you a speedy recovery.

    • NH observer says...

      Daxi, can you please say more? Really interested in your perspective.

    • Janet says...

      Sounds like Joaquina is a woke woman who doesn’t like her narrative to be questioned. Perhaps Daxi knows more than you?

    • Sara says...

      Daxi, thank you so much for sharing your perspective. It’s not easy to swim against the tide and share your perspective when it doesn’t fit with the dominant narrative. Thank you, I will do my best to learn more.

    • Mollie says...

      Daxi-

      Would you feel comfortable to share your race? You state that you are a “mother of color in a predominantly Black neighborhood” but not that you are Black. I recognize that speaking out about racism and anti-Blackness can be uncomfortable for many non-Blacks, but it is long overdue in our country. We cannot change what we cannot face, as James Baldwin said. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. supported direct action to disrupt racist systems. He was not a colorblind dreamer, but a realist and a radical activist. Here is what he said in 1967, “Whites, it must frankly be said, are not putting in a similar mass effort to reeducate themselves out of their racial ignorance. It is an aspect of their sense of superiority that the white people of America believe they have so little to learn. The reality of substantial investment to assist Negroes into the twentieth century, adjusting to Negro neighbors and genuine school integration, is still a nightmare for all too many white Americans.” And, in the end, he was murdered by white Americans.

  22. Vicky says...

    Oh my gosh Rummikub is the absolute BEST. I grew up playing it and I still remember the thrill I worked out the best way to get rid of as many little tiles as possible. To this day I credit it with honing my problem-solving skills! I was at the shop recently and saw it suddenly on the shelf – I didn’t realise it still existed! I bought it immediately and now all I need is for my daughter to grow up a bit so we can play it. Hoorah for those little colourful numbers!

  23. It feels important to talk about how Simone Biles deserves better in reference to the Vogue Magazine feature. Where was her cover when she won gold in 2014, 2015, 2018 and 2019? Why is the lighting in these photos so horrible, and why couldn’t Vogue have hired a Black photographer. Annie Leibovitz clearly does not know how to photograph dark skin, and it shows in these photos. Simone deserves better.

    • Charlotte says...

      Interesting Jenny, I had the complete opposite reaction. I thought Biles looked gorgeous and the photos felt strong and impactful, mirroring the tone of the article. Leibovitz’s expansive portfolio includes portraits of individuals with a panoply of skin tones so I hardly think she doesn’t know how to light properly. And of course, none of this is intended to refute your point that black photographers should be hired purposefully and extensively, to which I completely agree. I just thought the photos did a great job visually emphasizing her courage and power. I really wonder what Biles’ impression of the photographs was. I should also say, it was a great profile, thanks for sharing it COJ!

  24. CV says...

    My college-age daughter spent last summer in NYC, where we discovered Van Leeuwen ice cream. We were thrilled when we recently found it in a little neighborhood market here in western PA. It’s a bit pricier than other options ($8 a pint) but worth every penny. Honeycomb is my favorite (the mint chip is a close second).

  25. Kay says...

    Hi, thanks for the weekend list of links! Just a plea, if anyone is healthy, young and willing, to volunteer to be a poll worker for Nov. 3rd. Cities/counties with obvious voter suppression and limited polling places for large swaths of voters will need people to work the polls. IN the age of COVID, we can’t leave it up to our older volunteers. If you are in Milwaukee, Louisville, Atlanta, NC, TX, FLA, OH, MI, and PA please consider signing up. While voting by mail should be a right, the reality is there will be in person polling places with long, long lines. Thanks!

  26. I am sitting here bawling watching Say I Do. It’s not a show I would have veered toward on my own. Thanks for sharing it here! It’s incredibly moving and more real and substantial than the premise suggests.

  27. Lael says...

    Appreciated the amazing Microaggressions in Suburbia article. I felt like it was hand picked for me in response to my comment on Caroline’s How Have Your Plans Changed post — about how I was experiencing the opposite of most commenters and wanted to move back into a densly populated area with diversity after fleeing the city years ago for more space.
    I am definitely trying to move out of my suburban home asap for similar reasons as Thao.
    When there is only white people around racist ideas and policies — no matter how “micro” — will flourish.

  28. Marisa says...

    Haha- the Cup O’ Jo Biden mug!! How perfect, right?!?! I too, started to get worked up reading the comments about readers unease with Joe Biden, but instead of arguing, I’m leaving this hopeful thought that we are almost done with the Trump nightmare.

    • Amanda says...

      Thank you!!

  29. Emily says...

    We started playing Rummikub while camping with other families one summer. It’s so much fun! You can also play on your tablet by downloading the game app!

  30. s says...

    I completely understand the importance of voting for Biden over Trump. Yes, he is the lesser of two evils. But, I think that explaining to your audience in fuller terms the well documented information on Biden’s history of sexual abuse, and his failing memory, would be a better service to your readers rather than simply posting a link to his gear…For a feminist, inclusive blog, this feels like it falls waaay short.

    • Sarah says...

      Honestly “well documented information on Biden’s history of sexual abuse, and his failing memory” seem like two pretty big falsehoods and downright misinformation on your part.

    • S says...

      Sarah, just a quick search on Google brings up an article from Business Insider documenting several allegations and a confession from Biden himself on his history of sexual abuse. To turn away from this and vote for him because he is a better candidate discredits all of the work of the #metoo movement. How is that not clear?

      https://www.businessinsider.com/joe-biden-allegations-women-2020-campaign-2019-6

      Please look for facts vs. bias when you’re choosing a political candidate!

    • Sarah says...

      In the article you linked, it says 7 of the 8 women did not think it constituted sexual abuse or assault. The one who did, Tara Reid, has mostly been discredited.

      Has Biden made mistakes? Yes. Has he made a handful of women uncomfortable over the years? Yes. Is he an abuser? Is he a bad person? I doubt it.

      He was not my first, second, or even third choice in the primary, but I’m not buying this narrative that he is some sort of sexual creep or oppressor.

      I think you should reflect on your bias in this regard as well.

    • S says...

      Sarah, how about you vote for the person you feel ethically and morally obligated to, and I will as well. We obviously have a difference in opinion. I hope that whoever is in office is of strong moral values and can lead our country to a better place! Best of luck.

  31. Rebekka S says...

    Someone said to me once that voting is like taking the bus. I realize this analogy probably works better for city folks, but here goes anyway:

    The likelihood that any bus drops you off exactly where you want to be is very slim. Usually you have to walk a bit, or maybe even take another bus to get to your final destination. But THIS bus gets you CLOSER to your destination, so it’s the first step in the journey.

    I don’t think anything sums up the 2020 election more accurately. We might not end up exactly where we want to be, but it will most certainly get us further away from where we are now.

    • Lauren E. says...

      I love this!

    • Heather says...

      Love this – I had never thought of it this way, but it makes so much sense!

    • CS says...

      Thanks for sharing this. Such a good comparison!

  32. Rachelle says...

    I would love a “day in the life” post during quarantine with small kids, how are Anton and Toby holding up? I’m so curious about this new dynamic and all the ups and downs that might have come with it.

    • Elizabeth says...

      Agree. What are families doing? Parents around the world? Also will you send your kids to school even if they open?

    • A says...

      I would love this too! I am so curious how the boys are hanging in there.

  33. Sally says...

    My family loves Rummikub as well! My mum and I play it together often, because it’s just the right length to kill 15-20 minutes for 2 players.

    I was introduced to it by another friend, and fell in love with it.
    The great thing about it is its simplicity and that anyone, of any ability can play (although little ones might need help to make their first move where you have to add to 30 – although you could totally skip that step!)

    We also like that it’s so easy to adapt and make up new rules for it, if you want more of a challenge. For instance, we sometimes add the rule that you have to have runs of at least 4, or that you HAVE to pick up a tile each turn, whether you placed one or not.

    It’s probably our favourite family game.

  34. Dori says...

    I loved Thao’s article on Microaggressions. So sad and so beautifully written, I just kept wishing she would continue with her story. I’d love to see more of her writing. I also enjoyed the NYT article on sex. Hilarious and true. Having kids and being all home including both of our moms living with us, has definitely made it difficult to conenect physically. Either my husband is exhausted at the end of the day, or I am. I know scheduling sex may take away the romance or spontaneity, but it seems like the only option in our case, otherwise it just doesn’t happen.

  35. Annie Jensen says...

    Hear hear!!

  36. E says...

    I am not a parent however I am a healthcare worker…NYT should write an article about our sex lives…I finally reconnected with my husband when we got out of town for a weekend and I could relax. As a hospice worker every ounce of energy I have is going towards work and the complexities of PPE, CDC, grief , loss etc etc. Can anyone else relate? I feel guilty that I am not feeling the vibe but after coming home, showering and eating dinner I’m tired.

    • Kara says...

      Thank you for all that you are doing, E. I am hoping that you stay safe and are going easy on yourself as you are operating on so many levels right now. It sounds exhausting and in my opinion, you should not feel one bit guilty. I hope you can stay healthy and that lots of relaxing weekend getaways come your way post-pandemic. You are definitely deserving!

    • AL says...

      E- I hear you. I was redeployed to our hospitals covid unit for 6 weeks over spring and it was physically and emotionally exhausting. When I got home I just wanted to take a scalding hot shower and read a book or watch a mindless show. Having sex was the last thing on my mind. I think when I’m stressed I go into cocoon mode. Thanks you for your work in hospice care, I’m an oncology NP and the devastating effect of covid on the dying process is horrific and has left me feeling quite helpless. I hope you have been able to help your patients have a peaceful and comforting end.

  37. Shawn says...

    I’m very disappointed but not surprised by you deleting my comments because I’m pro-Trump. Your blog, your rules but this just illustrates the Orwellian fascism that is the left. Only one way of thinking allowed. Cancel those you disagree with. No room for debate or discussion. Sad.
    This is why Trump is going to win in 2020. Very disappointed Joanna. I will never grace the pages of this blog again. Bye

    • Joanna Goddard says...

      Your comments are up! I moderate twice daily on the weekends so it took a minute for them to be pushed live. I always welcome constructive and respectful debate and discourse. thank you!

    • D says...

      Shawn – Surprisingly your comment did make it in but mine did not simply because I was urging this community to (objectively) research the before and now of Venezuela. A country that was once thriving, beautiful, and had a free people. Socialist policies destroyed all that in a very short period of time but many Americans are in denial about the fact that it can happen to us. Hopefully this time my comment won’t be deleted although I’m not counting on it. Some of these actions by platform leaders on the internet are simply a preview of what could be our future under Socialist policies. No open civil discussions allowed. Not that anyone would have time for it anyway because we would all be scrambling for food (I am not exaggerating, please research this history).

    • Bonnie says...

      Can’t say I’m sorry to see you/this attitude go, though. It’s not Heathrow – no departure announcement needed. Au revoir!

    • AZ says...

      Shawn, I am so confused by your comment. Do you read the comments regularly? There are always comments of varying points of view and lively debate happening here! Though I guess you are not going to see this as you have already made up your mind that you will not read COJ anymore. Sadly, you are right, though, that this explains why Trump might win again… people who don’t look at all the facts before they make up their minds are likely to vote for him.

    • Agnès says...

      D. If you want to think about a true socialist country, why not think about France (my country). Venezuela has such a complicated history and the socialism there is young and it’s more of a dictatorship. France has been socialist since the 30s and I wouldn’t want to live anywhere else: the way free education, social security and governmental help (well, our taxes) helped us go through the covid crises has been so reassuring.

    • Adel says...

      @Joanna- classiest response ever! Once again, I am amazed at your humility and grace.

    • Canuck says...

      D… I echo the comment about France being an excellent example of what socialism can accomplish. Another example here to the north, too… Canada! I am Canadian and our country is far more socialist than the USA. We have universal health care (Yes, it is possible! And our quality of life is generally very high!), so we don’t have to worry about health insurance or what will happen if we get ill. Kids have access to a high quality education, and post-secondary education is still accessible (though not cheap, it is still reasonable and accessible), there are all sorts of programs to help people, and Covid was dealt with quite effectively. I am not saying it is perfect, but overall there is a sense that we are being taken care of. I thank my lucky stars that I live here.

    • Sara says...

      Agnes, from what I understand, France has a free-market economy (capitalism)? Am I misinformed?
      Thank you

  38. J. T. says...

    I’m so sorry Thao’s had that experience. I recall a post years ago on COJ asking readers for their dream city in the US to live in. My immediate thought was: a city in which I never feel ‘othered.’ I’ve vacationed in enough of the US to experience how someone who looks like me (Asian) is viewed and treated. Spark notes: urban, big cities are better though not perfect and definitely stay away from the Midwest lol wow I got so many stares while in Indianapolis. If you feel defensive about what I have to share, please consider where you’re coming from. Are you a white American?

    The COJ post years ago didn’t acknowledge how race may affect the reader’s decision, which made me assume that either a) most COJ readers are white and/or b) the writers of COJ aren’t race-conscious.

    All of this to say: I am SO, SO glad of how far COJ has come as a space to name white supremacy and actively be anti-racist. Please accept my feedback as genuinely loving this space and wanting us to do better!

    • Joaquina says...

      I assure you most COJ readers are white. And yet Jo and the writers, articles on here show much more diversity than when I first started reading many moons ago.

  39. J says...

    I expected Thao’s essay to be along the lines of BLM and whoa, that rung true with my life growing up. It was hard growing up being slighted on the regular, without anyone explaining to me what was going on. Occasionally, it was the whispered or joking racial slur. But more commonly it was the exclusion and passive aggressiveness. When your child isn’t invited to a birthday party, you know how your heart hurts? Imagine that all the time. No dances etc. Once in an adult conversaion, one of my male high school classmates absentmindedly said to me, “We all thought you were really pretty J.” and then caught himself because the obvious follow up was why didn’t anyone ask me out or take me to a dance? Reading that essay felt both good to be heard and painful to see it so prevalent today in parts of the country. Thank you for posting that link.

  40. Abesha1 says...

    Oh, god… the microaggressions article. Unnervingly well written and so much of it, horribly so accurate.

  41. AJ says...

    Thank you for the cupcakes and cashmere article. As someone often drowning in the emptiness of the suburbs, it was such an incredible read.

  42. Katie says...

    I watched a video montage of all the times Biden has (publicly) handled small girls and women. It literally made me nauseated. I will not vote for someone like that, and I’m disappointed that he’s not being dealt the same (righteous) indignation other men have been for much less. (Also, don’t say “a third party vote is a vote for Trump,” because that’s exactly what republicans say about a third party vote…except for Biden. It doesn’t work that way, y’all.)

    • MyHanh says...

      I can’t agree more Katie.

      Democrats were very quick to crucify Brett Kavanaugh, but we have paid little attention to Tara Reade’s claims of Biden’s sexual assault.

      Our country has voted Republican or Democrat for so long that we really don’t have a choice, which is why the “third party vote” comment is always thrown around.

      For more reasons, I won’t vote Biden (or Trump). I identify Libertarian.

    • Joaquina says...

      What white privilege you have, to just dismiss our ONLY option out of a Trump presidency. We BIPOC and those with disabilities have no choice but to vote for Biden, to vote against the racist, bigoted, abeliest, sexist clown in office, just keep doin you, pontificatin’.

  43. Rosalie says...

    Wow — this is a great Friday round-up. So many interesting reads and a lot to think about. Thank you! Also, isn’t Rummikub the greatest? I grew up playing it and will never stop!

  44. Rachel says...

    Thank you for sharing that sex article. I was honestly worried it was just me

  45. Kathy L says...

    Get yourself a Crown Royal velvet bag (or, really, any drawstring bag) for the Rummikub tiles. We’ve enjoyed this game for years!

  46. Sarah K says...

    Heartbroken by the experience of the sweet family in the micro-aggressions article. I’d also like to point out that while that may be the experience in many suburbs, it’s not like that in the suburb I’ve lived in for 10 years. Our community is diverse and welcoming (I have a biracial daughter so although I’m white, I do have a small window into what it’s like to be a person of color here). Not to say there isn’t work to do bc I know there is, and I want to keep learning and listening and growing in that area. I just don’t want all suburbs to be painted with the same brush.

    • Lea says...

      Thao took great care in articulating her specific experience and naming the different cities and states where she lived. She refrained from naming the specific Ohio suburb where most of her story took place, which I thought was respectful. You basically just #notallwhitepeople’d all over her story. You said you are committed to “learning”, “listening”, and “growing in that area” and now is a good time to not center your experience and just listen when a WOC is telling her story.

    • Zoe says...

      …”not all suburbs,” eh?

    • J.T. says...

      While I appreciate where you’re coming from, because you are a white person you really can’t speak from a position of TRULY knowing what it’s like.

      As a non-white, unmistakable person of color (I’m Asian), I can tell you with confidence that unfortunately most spaces and communities in the US are white-centric; broad paint strokes, not sorry to say it! The discomfort you have over accepting that doesn’t come anywhere near the pain of living as a non-white person in those spaces. Please accept this because we BIPOC need you to understand the severity in order to help fight it.

    • Lea says...

      Also saying that you understand the experience of POC in your neighborhood because your daughter is biracial is like saying you’re not racist because you have a black friend. Please don’t speak for POC in the future. I am sure your neighborhood is wonderful, but casual racism and microaggressions happen everywhere, in suburbs and big cities. Since you are white and have not experienced it yourself, instead of reacting with “that doesn’t happen here”, accept that you don’t actually know, which is a more open place to begin learning more.

    • Rebekka S says...

      Sarah K – I know your comment was written with so many good intentions, and that your heart is in the right place, especially as you mother your bi-racial daughter. It’s complicated! What I want to share, as a 35 year old woman adopted from India by a White family, is that I am only realizing in the last few weeks how deeply my life has been impacted by micro-aggressions but also simply by looking different than everyone around me. I spent my life being the only person of color in 99% of spaces that I was in, and it was an environment that was very accepting. The way that I have bent myself and adjusted my personality to make sure that I didn’t stick out any more than I already did, was something I’m just realizing in the last few months.

      My realizing this so late in life shows me even more how much of a danger there is in presuming that we understand anyone’s lived experience that isn’t ours, even someone as intimately connected to you as your own child. The belief that a white community is accepting doesn’t change how a person of color might feel as minority in that community. Sometimes being the only one is enough to have an effect.

      My mama heart sees your effort to create safe spaces for your daughter, so this is sent with the hope that it helps you see the need to center that feeling of safety on her perspective, not yours.

    • Sarah K says...

      I’m very sorry that my comment came across as self-centered. I tried very hard to word it carefully. I specifically stated that I have a small window into the experience here bc of my daughter. Not that I know the totality of it by any means. I simply wanted to speak for the fact that some suburbs are quite diverse. My city is only 37% white. Doesn’t mean racism doesn’t happen here. It does, and that is unacceptable. But I felt it was worth stating that people of color in the suburbs are not always in the dramatic minority that was described in the article. I wasn’t in any way criticizing Thao’s article or arguing with it; just suggesting the suburban experience varies.

      I’m saddened and hurt that my attempt to join the conversation, expressing my compassion and desire to learn and just adding another layer of information about a different part of the country, was so shamed and belittled. I want to be part of making a better America for our children. But it’s discouraging if even my most thoughtfully worded engagement is shouted down. I have always been impressed with the warm and thoughtful community at CoJ. But I feel like I’ve been slapped in the face here.

      Please accept my apologies for whatever I said that was hurtful, which was the opposite of my intent.

    • Sarah K says...

      Rebekka—thank you for your response. I appreciate it, and your kind words. I am listening.

      I think what I may not have states clearly is that I was not trying to speak for people of color, or even to say that I know what my daughter’s experience is. I would have no right to do that. I only meant to point out that some suburbs are very racially diverse and even minority-white. Microaggressions can and do still happen. I can’t speak to the subjective personal reality of what it’s like to be a person of color in my community. I only meant to point out the objective fact that it’s a community in which a person of color would not constantly stand out as “other” in the way Thao experiences. I know plenty of suburbs that are 95% white. I just wanted to point out that some have a very different demographic makeup.

    • Adel says...

      Sarah K, I found your comment to be interesting and insightful. It’s a bit unfortunate that if you read others comments sections, you’ll note that not the first person to respectfully and kindly offer another opinion, which is then shot down by others who read into your words and make assumptions that may or may not be true. While there is some beautiful, respectful dialogue occurring on these pages, there are far too many people who cannot seem to handle a differing opinion/ perspective/party line to their own. It’s quite sad.

    • Rebekka S says...

      Sarah K – I also super carefully chose my words, the last thing I ever want to do is make anyone who is trying and living a unique experience (even an internet stranger!) feel bad. Everyone has so many feelings right now and even the most sincere words can feel loaded. I’m sorry if it makes you feel like your voice isn’t also important. I’m a mom to a bi-racial kid myself, and this parenting stuff is hard and so nuanced.

      I am truly thrilled to hear that your suburb has the diversity it does! I live in a major city and my specific neighborhood is at least 60% white. I hope more and more areas start to look and feel like what are experiencing.

      I’m truly sorry again if you felt piled on. I can only speak for myself, but that was definitely not my intent.

    • MyHanh says...

      Sarah K, sounds like your town is the exception. So glad your bi-racial daughter gets to be surrounded by so many different faces and experiences!

      I’m sure you’re doing the best you can raising your daughter, as are all mamas. You go mama!

    • Sarah K says...

      Rebekka, I did not feel at all piled on by you. Your response was kind and helpful. Thank you!

    • Lea says...

      Sarah K,

      Thank you for clarifying your earlier comment. You meant to point out that suburbs have different demographic make ups, not that microaggressions against BIPOC couldn’t occur where you live. I understand now.

      However, did you notice that you continued and centered your good intentions and hurt feelings in what was a conversation about racism in the US? I didn’t “shout down” your comment, but even if I did, why would my tone when insisting that racism happens in most American spaces make you listen less than Rebekka S’s kind words? If you haven’t read about it, I think Robin DiAngelo’s book White Fragility might be a good read.

      https://www.tolerance.org/magazine/summer-2019/whats-my-complicity-talking-white-fragility-with-robin-diangelo

    • Sara says...

      Sarah K, thank you for sharing your perspective. You have the right to speak your truth. I’m sorry other commentors felt the need to shut you down. You get a lot of credit for responding so graciously.
      People — more than one thing can be true at once…

    • Sarah K says...

      Lea, thanks for your response and for listening to what I was saying.

      I truly did not intend to center my experience—just to present another scenario off to the side. I agree that Thao’s experience is more common and deserves the main attention. I wanted to point out that a different experience in suburbia is possible, because I think that is hope-giving in at least a small way, but I didn’t want to undercut Thao’s very real and horrible experience. Perhaps I could have made that more clear.

      To answer your question, I did listen and think hard about what you said. I looked back at my original comment and tried to understand your criticisms, because I would not ever want to take the kind of stance you thought I was. My conclusion was that I should perhaps have used more safety clauses to clarify what I was NOT saying. I’m trying to learn from this conversation.

      Not trying to put my emotions at the center, but because you asked: I do think people can have more productive conversations when we ask questions before making assumptions about what another person is saying. Perhaps especially on the Internet, where we can’t see the other person’s face or hear their voice and can forget they are another human trying to be part of the solution, however imperfectly.

      Just to be clear: my main takeaway from Thao’s article is not my feelings, but her story. Thank you for having this dialogue with me.

    • Jasmine says...

      Sarah K, I think what several others here have been alluding to is that in this original comment, you write, “It’s not like that in the suburb I’ve lived in.” The point is, you are a White woman, and despite “the small window into what its like to be a PoC” (which I disagree with), you cannot say that your suburb is not like the one Thao described. It may very well be the case that POC in your neighborhood can tell of a very different experience. And as a POC myself, I will say that many of the microaggressions I have endured come from very well-meaning White ppl who think they are welcoming of diversity. That is not a guarded way of saying that you are an example of that, I only mean exactly what I say above.

      Also, you do focus on feeling shamed and belittled by commenters. But most of the comments here do neither, they simply refute your original claim (that again, your suburb is presumably not like Thao’s). So even if you don’t “mean” or “intend” to do X, I think a big lesson for all of us here is that anti-racism means that we acknowledge how our actions may be interrogated regardless of positive intent. So for example, a possible anti-racist response could be, “Oh, I see that now. I will try to be clearer/better in the future!” rather than, “You misunderstood me and my good intentions. You shamed me when I was being thoughtful. You are a shamer, and I am undeserving of that.”

    • Sarah K says...

      Jasmine—you’re right, I could have been clearer and I will try to be clearer next time. I am indeed sorry for that. I was talking about the demographics of my suburb, which are objective facts that I do have authority to speak to. I wasn’t talking about the microagressions, which I don’t have authority to speak to. I thought that one point of Thao’s article was that it’s impossible for a person of color to live comfortably in a majority-white suburb. I wasn’t arguing with that, just making the sub-point that some suburbs are not majority-white.

      I think we all have the right to name our emotions, but I tried not to make mine the focus, which is why I ended by apologizing for unintentionally causing offense.

      To me, the phrase “a small window” indicates a little insight into someone else’s experience from OUTSIDE that experience. I will never know what it’s like to be a POC in America. But I pay particular attention to the diversity and demographics in my suburb, as a mother trying to think about what my daughter is seeing and experiencing. The diversity is one of the reasons I am glad we live here, rather than other suburbs where she would see fewer non-white people. I will never know what it feels like from her perspective, but I am committed to learning as much about it as I can. And what is the point of reading, listening, becoming informed and educated, etc if not to at least gain the ability to imagine some small sliver of what it’s like to be in someone else’s shoes? I think that’s the foundation of human compassion, working for justice, and not “othering”. That’s what I mean by a “small window”. If you still disagree with me using that term, is there a better phrase I could use instead to express that idea?

    • A MOM says...

      I suspect that some of the commenters who responded to Sarah K are not parents yet.

      Because if you are a mother, you know how your heart suffers when your child is excluded or discriminated against, even a little bit.

      Sarah may be white, but the fact that her child is biracial gives her a powerful, direct experience. Sarah has also had first-hand experience, too, because she has obviously been out in public many times with her child, at malls, at school, at playgrounds, etc.

      You can’t just dismiss or belittle what a woman knows or has felt as a mother.

      Ps: Glad to see the mature and open dialogue that is happening between these commenters.

  47. Laura B says...

    I just absolutely cackled at the first look comment. It is 100% something I would do – unsure of so many emotions happening…. what do I do? What do I do… uhhh … DINOSAUR! OMG thank you for that laugh to end the week!!!

    • Emily says...

      I laughed so hard at her comment as well!! I can totally picture someone sneaking up like a “freaky little dinosaur”

  48. Amy says...

    Re: “Is sex dead for parents?”, purely anecdotal, but I recently started reading a few romance novels as a form of escapism (formerly only a literary fiction and nonfiction reader), and it has reminded me how fun and well, sexy, sex can be. I’m suddenly reaching for my husband much more frequently and wanting to have fun, playful times together. You guys, if you have the time and need a libido boost, I highly recommend some steamy books to get you going. Also, thanks Cup of Jo for the older post on romance novels; that’s what inspired me!

    • Lauren E. says...

      As a romance novelist, this comment made me so happy. I think people often reach for romance in the exact moments you described and end up pleasantly surprised.

    • Kara says...

      Absolutely agree with this haha!

    • Lissa says...

      Any title suggestions?

    • Danielle says...

      Romance novels are fantastic escapism! As a single woman working in healthcare hundreds of miles from my friends and family (thanks medical education), life is…grim. Diving into historical romance is like eating a cupcake.

      Current favorites:
      Grace Burrowes (Rogues to Riches series)
      Tessa Dare (Girl meets Duke series)
      Lisa Kleypas (Ravel series)

    • Amy says...

      I am loving all books by Tessa Dare (currently reading When a Scot Ties the Knot; it’s hilarious (self-consciously so) and very hot). I started with 9 Rules to Break When Romancing a Rake by Sarah MacLean. It has allll the historical romance tropes and is a bit eye-roll inducing, but is also funny and super sexy. Historical romances ftw! Double the escapism!

  49. E says...

    I would love for the COJ team to write about the importance of voting for Biden, even if he’s not your ideal candidate. We really need to come together behind Biden to get Trump out and voting for a third party candidate is a tacit vote for Trump.

    A vote for a third party could mean:
    – a conservative Supreme Court for the rest of our lifetimes, and the repeal of Roe v. Wade
    – Climate change legislation continues to be relaxed and we move even further backwards on what is THE most important issue of our lives
    – Less or no support for progressive social issues, from transgender protections to LGBTQ+ protections to DACA/Dreamer support
    – Continued danger for Black, Indigenous, Jewish, Muslim, and Latinx communities in this country (and more)

    This is literally life or death for many of us.

    I’m seeing so much concerning dialogue about ‘how can I vote for Biden?’ when this is the single most important and impactful thing any of us can do. Much more than shopping responsibly to limit how we contribute to climate change, or supporting our friends who experience discrimination, or posting about BLM on Instagram (not that these things aren’t important too– but the administration in power has the biggest impact on a structural level over all of these things). PLEASE SAY MORE ABOUT THIS!

    • Eloise says...

      THIS!!!!!!!

    • Lydia says...

      E, thank you for your perspective.

      One thing that strikes me when reading your concise synopsis: is it not a dangerously flawed system that ONE person/ONE role should have so much sway? So much unchecked power?

      You’ve heard the phrase/concept of “slight of hand”? While we are focusing on Trump, never forget ALL the people that prop him up. We can get Trump out of the White House, but we need to do so much more.

      Our system is flawed, deeply so and Trump’s presidency merely revealed it.
      We cannot rely on “good” candidates.
      We need to revamp the whole kit and caboodle.

      And I hear your fear. There are times when I, too, am truly panicked.
      But, I cannot healthily live in this state of fear. So I take a deep breath and start to plan. I have agency in my vote. I have agency in my purchases (I refuse to purchase from Amazon, I do not have a Facebook account and so on). I have agency in canvassing, making phone calls for down the ballot candidates.

      Criticism is necessary. We can criticize Biden. We should criticize him and all elected officials when warranted. Even the ones we “like”.

      The cult of personality, the cult of the individual is worthless, destructive and dangerous. We must support a platform, not a person.

      And for those of us in swing states, we need to think deeply on what is warranted here to support moving our platforms forward.

      Let’s engage in discussion and remember power concedes nothing without demand.

      You are not alone. Keep raising your voice.

    • Kelsi says...

      Yes. Think of a vote for Biden as “who will choose the successor to Ruth Bader Ginsberg?”.

    • Jojo says...

      To add to your last point about endangering communities of color— and Asian. We are always erased and silenced in conversations like this and the last few months have been horrific and unsafe for Asian communities. Its frustrating to see this unacknowledged in well meaning, liberal comments like this esp considering the lineup of articles here that includes a Viet American’s experiences with micro aggressions.

    • Shawn says...

      It’s really unnerving to see the assumption that everyone here is a Biden supporter. Tolerance is welcoming all views-even those you don’t agree with and I feel equally passionate about supporting Trump and pray he’s re-elected over a radical socialist with serious cognitive issues. Politics should not play a role on this blog unless both sides are welcome to discuss their policies and agendas. There are many like me out there-they are quiet because the backlash is usually not worth it as Liberal intolerance is ,unfortunately, rampant .But I’m optimistic that those who run this blog and the commenters will display tolerance and grace. Diversity in thought should be welcomed. So you Trump supporters get out there and vote!

    • J.T. says...

      I hear you ‘E’

      I am a far, far left person (even an ocean to the left from dear Bernie and Warren LOL), and EVEN I feel the urgency to vote for Biden. I never imagined I would utter this, but in order for our country not to slide further into hell for the poor and working class, my gosh, we have to vote and settle for Biden.

      He’s still a capitalist, patriarchal problematic white old guy but I would DEFINITELY choose him any day over more of Umpfh.

    • Jeanne says...

      Well said E.

    • Emily says...

      Yes. I don’t think it’s enough to throw it in the weekend links and have commenters expand on the point, because we simply don’t have the platform COJ does. And a whole bunch of us are tired of educating folks on the Internet for free.

      Angela Davis sums up my feelings on staying involved in this election cycle well:

      “The election will not so much be about who gets to lead the country to a better future, but rather how we can support ourselves and our own ability to continue to organize and place pressure on those in power. And I don’t think there’s a question about which candidate would allow that process to unfold.

      . . . If we want to continue this work, we certainly need a person in office who will be more amenable to our mass pressure. And to me, that is the only thing that someone like a Joe Biden represents. But we have to persuade people to go out and vote to guarantee that the current occupant of the White House is forever ousted.”

      https://www.democracynow.org/2020/6/12/angela_davis_2020_race_biden_trump

    • Lizzie says...

      Sorry but I don’t agree, Biden is not a solution to the problems we’re facing now under Trump. The single most important thing you can do is organize to build a strong political alternative to a corrupt two-party system that overwhelmingly privileges the rich, brutalizes people of color, and insists on tolerating sexual violence. The accusations against Biden are credible and it does enormous damage to victims to look the other way. The planet is burning, the stakes are too high, we need political courage.

    • NJ says...

      I really reject the idea that voting for Biden is the most impactful thing we can do. I’ll vote for him because I have to. But we need to push for the things that will actually make this world better. Medicare for All (which Biden said he’ll veto), Green New Deal (literally a make-it or break-it for our world).

      Of course Trump is terrible. But Biden isn’t the answer. We can vote him into office, but he needs to LISTEN to the voters about what we want. Saying that he’ll veto Medicare for All even if it passes everywhere else… That’s not a leader who listens to the voters.

    • Ellen says...

      I completely agree the “how can I vote for Biden” dialogue is concerning. It feels extremely naive and selfish, to be perfectly frank. We had the primary, Biden is the Democratic candidate. He wasn’t my first choice, but is he better than Trump? A million times!! There are countless other ways to try and fight for your personal values other than voting for president.

    • Rebekka S says...

      @Shawn I agree that there is always room for more voices and opinions, and commend you for speaking up when the majority of comments don’t align with your personal views. Setting aside who the democratic candidate is, I would genuinely be interested to hear what parts of the Trump administration you personally feel particularly drawn to, if you are willing to share. Half the country (and my extended family) feels similar, Trump resonates with a lot of people. I’m very interested in learning what that pull actually is if you’re willing to share your perspective!

    • Anon says...

      Shawn, so nice to see your comment on here. As a conservative Trump supporter, I normally stay quiet because the left is all about cancel culture and does not seem willing to hear other viewpoints.

    • AZ says...

      Vote for Biden, and at least the USA will be in a position to start changing the system for the better. Biden can buy Us time while we work for change.

      I am more in the political center, but how people could support Trump despite his utter incompetence, and all of the corruption… it is beyond me.

    • Kara says...

      Shawn, you’re welcome to write a comment with your views. In regards to your comment “politics should not play a role on this blog unless…”, this is COJ’s space. It is not a publicly funded space. She (and her team) can write about whatever she wants, including the politics she supports.

      If you’ve spent any time in the comments section here, you’ll know Joanna’s responses are a masterclass in tolerance of differing viewpoints. I get the sense this is either your first time in COJ comments or that you’re not a regular reader of this blog.

    • MyHanh says...

      Yasss @Lizzie.

    • Sara says...

      @Rebekka, I can’t speak for Shawn but I will answer your question with my perspective. Many commentors here have invoked the bus analogy, that voting for president is not choosing a life partner but a means towards getting the country closer to what you believe should be the ultimate destination. Keep in mind that this analogy applies to both political parties.

      Conservative voters are a heterogenous group, just as liberal and independent voters are, and I don’t claim to speak for all. However, some issues that are close to the heart of conservative Americans like me are individual rights – rights like due process for all (including men accused of sexual assault) and free speech (including speech I despise). I see that the Left is headed towards severely curtailing these rights.

      As a conservative I take pride in U.S. history and the positive movement of our country towards a more free and equal society for all. (And no, I am not a white Southerner; as a group, conservatives are far more diverse than the media would have you believe). I see no contradiction between recognizing and making amends for the sins of the past and taking pride in the accomplishments of the founders. The Left wants to (quite literally) tear down our historical legacy and recreate the system from the bottom. I want a president who will serve as a bulwark against letting that happen. I believe we have something good going. We can always improve on it. I am afraid of what would take its place were it to be destroyed.

      Finally, many commentors have mentioned federal judges as the reason they will vote for Biden. That is a reason I will vote for Trump.

      We are all entitled to our opinions and beliefs. Diversity and inclusion should include viewpoint diversity. There is more than one way to see a situation. Don’t ascribe malice to people who see the world differently than you.

    • jj says...

      I hear what you’re saying but I really think that we are in a critical period where Biden/the Dems need to earn our vote. I wish people would make him work for the position rather than blindly pledging themselves. Biden needs to know where we stand. We are in a plague– we need medicare4all, we need the hyde amendment repealed, we really really need a UBI for working families.

      I really wish we had another candidate. I am disappointed that we have the equivalent of “voting for Obama for a third time” but here’s where we are. That being said, I do believe in harm reduction, but I’m going to make him earn MY vote.

      CoJ staff, I would love for you to cover this topic. It’s something I am grappling with as a feminist.

    • B says...

      Thank you, Sara! I grew up in California and have watched the decline of it due to the liberal government. I moved away and am much happier in a state that defends my personal liberties. And I NEVER thought I’d be a person to talk about my freedom or liberties.

      All my friends think I’m a Democrat, but I’m apart of the “silent majority” that will be voting for Trump this election.

    • Kate says...

      *advocates for personal liberties but won’t let women make choices about their bodies*
      *advocates for freedom of speech but is ok when the President clears peaceful protestors with the National Guard for a photo op*
      *advocates for states rights but forces schools to open regardless of local public health concerns or face federal budget cuts*

      I’m all for the values many conservatives claim to represent, but when it comes to practice it all rings a little false…

    • Sara says...

      @Kate
      -on the subject of choice: conservatives generally believe (again, I can’t claim to speak for everyone) that life begins at conception and deserves to be protected. In that paradigm, the question isn’t about allowing or disallowing forbid women to make choices with their bodies, but about protecting the rights of a discreetly different human. I understand that this is a deeply charged issue, to put it mildly. To many women reading this, personal liberty and the pro-life stance are irreconcilably at odds. I’m not arguing on either side of the issue here but stating that to many other women, these values are perfectly aligned.

      -on the subject of free speech: if I have to entrust the protection of my free speech to one flawed party over the other (and I do, in this system), I’m going to go with the Republicans. I am saddened and frightened by the prevalence of cancel culture on the Left and will use my vote to keep it out of the law itself as long as possible.

      -states’ rights: Same. I have very mixed feelings about reopening schools this fall (I work in one) and I anticipate there being many lengthy debates on the subject where hopefully positive compromises can be reached, but the Republican party overall is more supportive of states’ autonomy and that’s where I will cast my vote.

    • Rebekka S says...

      Sara – thank you for your candor and explanation. I agree that there should be a diversity of opinion and appreciate you chiming in.

  50. Siri says...

    That NYT article! «My kids have been stuck on me like Play-Doh on a shag rug.»

  51. Kathryn says...

    Also new to Netflix, and 100% worth a watch, especially if you have kids, is Babysitter’s Club. It is wonderfully diverse, the girls are smart and complex, and in one episode Mary Anne demands the right pronouns be used for a girl in her care (yes, I cried).

    I never would have guessed that the Babysitter’s Club would be the shared experience from my childhood to my daughter’s, but I seriously couldn’t imagine a better mainstream representation of feminism.

    • Katie says...

      I started watching this show with my daughter (10) and we are really enjoying it. So cool to have a show that we “share”.

  52. Anna says...

    Hahaha thanks for the laugh Becky!

  53. APC says...

    We used to live right at Smith and Bergen by Van Leeuwen, I miss the honeycomb ice cream so much! If you want to be extra, get it with hot fudge next time. ?

  54. Em says...

    I’m so obsessed with Simone Biles!!!!! The athlete of her generation! Loved that Vogue article.

  55. Mallory says...

    Life changing ice cream sunday courtesy of a local food truck: serve scoops of vanilla ice cream with honey comb, letting some of the liquid honey drizzle over the ice cream. Add a few sprinkles of flaky sea salt. It’s a heavenly combination.

  56. Thank you for “Pregnancy dressing advice from nine women”,

    I love how Alice Fox looks!

  57. C says...

    Loved, loved, loved Thao’s essay. Thank you for sharing.

  58. Christine says...

    Thank you so much for sharing Thao Thai’s essay on microaggressions.
    She has put into words so heart achingly how so many of us feel in our neighborhoods and workplaces. I feel seen.

    • Anon says...

      Yes, same here, thank you for sharing the article. I never spoke to my parents about race or microagressions, other than for them to tell me to be proud to be an American. Which I am, but it still hurts to see looks from people who clearly view me as an “other” and even worse, when my young sons experience it.

  59. Deb in Oklahoma says...

    I have a theory regarding couples and their sex lives right now. I think there will be a baby boom during 2021, with mostly first time parents being the participants. The other group–the parents who have spent the last 5 months with their children, 24 hours/day, juggling home school/jobs/running their houses and just trying to deal with the stress of our lives right now…they’re going to say, “No, thank you,” to more kids. ( I mean, come on…mental and physical exhaustion takes a toll). But couples without kids may be willing to make the jump. That’s just my theory. Will wait and see if it comes to fruition.

    • Jenna says...

      Deb I think you’re on to something there :)

    • Shelley says...

      I have two kids ages two and one! This theory does not apply to me that’s for sure haha. I would love to have a quarantine baby lol.

    • Clementine says...

      This situation has made me happier than ever about our decision not to have kids, at least for now. But I have a friend who wants them even more since this started!

    • silly lily says...

      My pandemic grandchild is due at Christmas. Apparently, my son and daughter-in-law didn’t say “No, thank you”, as they already have two lovely girls. But I agree — more babies on the way, for sure.

  60. Kristin Vogel says...

    I grew up playing Rummikub and just began playing it with my kids, ages 12 & 9. I am the reigning house champ, but they are getting closer to beating me. Such a fun game!

  61. EC says...

    wow, the essay on microaggressions in the suburbs hit me hard. she describes her experience so eloquently. thanks for sharing.

  62. Angela says...

    I was loving the nyt article until she described a bath & sleep as soon as the kids are in bed. My partner and I are both up until midnight every night catching up on all the work that doesn’t get done during the day as we trade off working & taking care of the kids. I. Am. Exhausted.

    • Mal says...

      Same, girl, SAME. We’ve maybe had sex once since lockdown started? Between two full time jobs, 2 little kids, a sad attempt at distance learning, making up work during the night…

    • E says...

      This, so much this.

      Also, who has time for sex when I’m working 9pm to 1am every SINGLE night doing work because I watched the 2 and 6 year old all day while my husband is out working his job.

  63. Jessa says...

    No way on the sex issue! I love having sex with my husband but… Does anyone else really want to have sex but their husband never does?! No one talks about this situation; everything in the media is always about the man in the relationship wanting sex and the woman not. This is not always the case! Some men have lower sex drive.

    • Maryn says...

      My husband definitely has a lower sex drive. We have to schedule sex otherwise it never happens. It works for us though!

    • Alex says...

      ??‍♀️??‍♀️??‍♀️ I’ve been incredibly frustrating but I’m trying to be understanding. He’s working 10-12 hours days trying to maintain his work in this changing economy and I am unemployed. But I hear my friends talk about their sex lives (we’re all 34) and my head could explode.

    • RE says...

      Yes! I had the exact same thought reading this article. Thank you for raising this. It helps to feel less alone. xo

    • AC says...

      DITTO!

  64. Celeste says...

    Thank you for these essays. TT, I would absolutely be your neighbor just by the way you write.

    • Lara says...

      Not so much going on this weekend as I’m having a mild cold .. grocery shopping and lots of cooking ! I love to cook late at night when everything is quiet. Lots of podcasts as well and a long walk with my husband. Have a great one everybody

  65. Stephanie says...

    My Mema taught me, my sister and our cousins to play rummikub when we were all about 10-12 years old. She’s the type who wanted everyone to win, but whooped and hollered the loudest when she herself did. Mema showed us how to organize the pieces, strategize our next play and, naturally, how to win—not with grace, mind you, but with an all-encompassing joy where even the losers can’t help but join in the fun. Miss her. <3

    • fgb says...

      Mema sounds delightful! Thank you for sharing this memory.

  66. Cristina says...

    That “scuba diver” is an amazing double-crested cormorant! Further north here in Toronto, we see them nesting in huge colonies on the shores of Lake Ontario. They are SO dinosaur-like, and it’s incredible to see one underwater like that! Thank you, this made my day :)

    • Joanna Goddard says...

      Oh my gosh you’re right!!!

    • Amy says...

      Came down here to say the same thing!

  67. ks says...

    cupofjo, I’d love to learn more about biden & have a healthy discussion around this. I became a citizen in time to vote for obama in his second election and in turn hilary in 2016. I don’t support trump and will not vote for him, but am struggling if not with biden himself, some of the inequalities he and the democratic party presents. biden has had numerous questionable sexual or questionable behaviors brought up, but we are not carrying the war cry that was done for brett kavanaugh or like. why??? didn’t we (democrats) declare a hard line policy on that??

    the response i get is that “he’s our chance to win against trump” but i struggle with this is as a woman. i’m not sure those woman who have raised their concerns wanted to be part of a sacrifice to save our country as such. I also don’t see him presenting policy that has peaked my intellect; nor do I see him carrying us forward in terms of racial injustices or other important issues at hand.

    I don’t mean this flippantly but rather as a woman struggling as the election looms who wants to learn and to be educated – what am I voting for biden for? or is it that i should think of it as voting for the party itself and not necessarily him?

    hoping for some candid and honest comments. xx

    • celeste says...

      Please visit joebiden.com and click on the Joe’s Plan tab for some policy. I would encourage anyone to read Jill Biden’s book too. I guess with the being too close to women thing, he’s already publicly apologized and stated he knows it’s a different time now, you cannot just go up and hug someone. He’s promised to do better, does not have 16+ counts against him, and has promised to have a female VP. Thanks for your interest and thoughtfully stating your comment.

    • L says...

      I second that KS! I consider myself a progressive who has vocally supported the Me Too movement (and got arrested at a Kavanaugh protest) so I have a hard time with the lack of Dems speaking up about Biden’s questionable behaviors. I also don’t feel like his policy platform is going to be that beneficial for the country (other than NOT being Trump–which is something, but not enough IMO).

    • Roberta P. says...

      I echo these concerns. You can’t cry “Me, too” and then ignore the credible allegations against Biden because they’re politically expedient. (And yes, I know Trump is also a scum bag.) I’m definitely not for Trump. But I’m not for Biden either. And I’m disappointed these are out two “choices.” Damnit America, we could’ve had Bernie. :’(

    • Ellen says...

      I understand your concerns. They are nuanced and show that you care deeply about the world. However, they seem to fall into a common trap of turning the voting process around and making it about you/wanting a perfect candidate/perfect match for your beliefs and values. I would argue that voting is ultimately about outcomes. And in this case, we are staring down two outcomes: 4 more years of Trump, or 4+ years of Biden. And if you truly care about other people, I don’t see how it’s a remotely difficult decision. No, it’s by no means perfect, but what is? As Trump’s response to the Covid pandemic proves (and it’s only the most obvious example), it is literally a matter of life and death.

    • The way I see it is this… is Biden perfect? No. Biden is not my ideal candidate, but I am not choosing a boyfriend I’m choosing the better candidate for the office of the presidency. We only have two choices and the way I see it, Biden is much better for our country. The amount of racism, misogyny, xenophobia, lack of regard for the constitution or rule of law being shown by Trump and the republican party is not something I can support. Not to mention the response to the corona virus. The only way to stop this insanity is to vote for Biden.

    • Kat Rosa says...

      I have the same feelings and the same disappointments. But if you’re concern is about women’s rights, then Biden is the best candidate.

      Donald Trump has nearly 20 credible allegations of rape and assault against him. One was with a 13 year old girl.

      It *shouldn’t* come down to a lesser-of-2-evils situation–we *deserve* better. But, in this moment, this is the choice we have.

      Trump’s administration is actively eroding voting rights and access to voting. In 4 more years, many not have the chance to vote at all, perfect candidate or not.

    • kristina says...

      I read this yesterday: You aren’t voting for Biden, you are voting for RBG’s replacement.

    • EC says...

      This comment, and several of the replies, makes me tired. after the 4 years we’ve had, even this summer we continue to have, people are still puzzled as to why to support Biden? i’m sure this comment was written with good intentions, but a failure to recognize how real the consequences of the Trump administration have been, and a call to the Internet to educate you, smacks with privilege. Please recognize that.

      Biden was far from my first choice, and I want a WOC VP, and I think Anita Hill deserves a real damn apology, but I can recall how people sat out a recent election because they weren’t thrilled with the candidate running against Trump. Look how that turned out.

      And for anyone saying “we could’ve had Bernie” and wondering “what would Bernie do?,” he’s working with Biden on policy: https://www.nytimes.com/2020/07/09/us/politics/biden-sanders-task-force.html

    • Meg says...

      What Kristina said! I am not feeling super pumped to vote for Biden, but I AM feeling super pumped that Biden would get to select BRG’s (and Breyer’s?) replacement.

    • frances says...

      That’s such an excellent point Kristina. If Trump wins another term, we’ll have at least three relatively young justices who are strong Republicans. Women’s right to choose will be completely gutted if not overturned. Include in that LGBTQ and other basic human rights. My stomach turns thinking about it.

      I also really like Ellen’s comment. There is never a perfect candidate that will meet every single need. People are human. They make mistakes. I think Biden’s mistakes pale in comparison to Trump’s.

      I also think that Biden will be a one-term candidate. He needs to pick a rock star woman VP who will hopefully show the world that the U.S. is finally ready for a woman President.

      I personally don’t think a woman would have been electable this cycle. There’s still too much hate stirred up by Trump.

    • Heather says...

      You’ve got to be kidding me. Biden is the consensus choice of the democratic party after an extended process where he won the most votes.
      He is a sane and responsible person with decades of experience in government. By contrast, Trump has paralyzed and gutted the federal government, stocked the federal bench with unqualified religious zealots who will block progress for decades to come, allowed corporations and the rich to enrich themselves at everyone else’s expense, separated desperate families seeking asylum at the border because they are brown, encouraged police brutality, gassed and attacked peaceful protestors, failed to take basic pandemic response steps leading directly to the deaths of over 100,000 Americans, caused the economy to collapse because all we could do was hunker down once the virus was allowed in, is in the pocket of other, hostile governments, and is pretty much the worst person we’ve ever produced as a nation. This election is existential.

      By all means, we should listen to and respect everyone who makes a sexual assault allegation, but then we also have to use reason apply them to the facts to assess whether the allegations have merit, rather than holding a grudge against the accused in perpetuity. In Tara Reade’s case, the allegations do not seem to have merit. Just to make sure we’re all up to date, please see:
      https://www.politico.com/news/2020/05/15/tara-reade-left-trail-of-aggrieved-acquaintances-260771

      https://www.cnn.com/2020/05/19/politics/tara-reade-biden-allegation/index.html

      https://www.nytimes.com/2020/05/31/us/politics/tara-reade-joe-biden.html

      https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/biden-accuser-tara-reades-attorney-says-they-have-parted-ways/2020/05/22/92c38da4-9c3f-11ea-a2b3-5c3f2d1586df_story.html

      Journalists had been aware of her allegations before they entered the mainstream consciousness and the reason her case was not front page news earlier was because they could not substantiate her allegations. She turns out to be someone who has very little credibility. She has frequently used different names, has a criminal record for check fraud, and exaggerated her academic qualifications, including while posing as an expert witness in criminal trials where her testimony may have led to convictions which may well be vacated due to the fraud she committed on the court. False allegations are not a reasonable basis for not voting for Biden.

    • ks says...

      @EC and @Ellen, to be clear the idea of voting for trump that is not something I support. Nor would I want this to be about “me”. I don’t need the candidate to support me at all in fact, but rather to be the best candidate for our country. I initially voted for Elizabeth Warren not because she aligns exactly or closet to all my values but because I believed in her strength as an intellect; through that I had confidence she would make the best decisions for our country. Do I want trump gone? I stood before a judge and denounced my country in order to be an american citizen – the land of the free and the great. I couldn’t find him less acceptable of a candidate for that statement; he is the furthest thing from our representation of a country. Where I may respectfully disagree with you is this is not about finding a “body” to replace Trump; this is about finding the best candidate. I want to understand more about biden and seek the support of this uplifting and educational community to guide me in that journey and help correct some of my hesitations. I’m an immigrant and I feel strongly about this political world I’m learning about and just beginning to vote in.

    • Kristin says...

      I’m in the same boat here, a little bit. Biden was not my favorite democratic candidate but I did vote for him in the primary. I agree with a lot of what you have said, he doesn’t seem ideal in some ways. However, when I look at the disgusting, immoral atrocities that have occurred in the last four years and continue to occur, I absolutely do not see another choice. I’m not one who thinks voting for a third party or writing a candidate in, just to give myself a voice is productive. And I do have to believe that Biden will at least start to get our country back on track. I think it’s going to take a lot, I don’t think any one candidate could possibly do it, but to me, voting for Trump is simply impossible.

    • Roberta P. says...

      Hi EC!
      My guess is your absolute confidence in Biden shows a privilege that I will never know. And your comment makes me more, not less, inclined to just leave my presidential vote blank. Biden doesn’t support Medicare for all. During a global pandemic. Now *that’s* some privilege.

    • Sarah says...

      Honestly voting Trump of out office is life and death to me, raising my Black and Native daughter. It’s so frustrating to read this comment. Biden is not perfect, but we don’t have the luxury of ignoring what 4 more years would do.

      You have a serious responsibility to educate yourself if you consider yourself an advocate to BIPOC, or if you say Black Lives Matter. This is not my job, but it’s so important, here are a few thoughts:

      At this point, we are comparing a man who relishes separating babies from their parents, and a man who stop that practice. A man who relishes and foments the white supremacists/terrorists, anti-Semitic, homophobic, trans-phobic, and anti-Native supporters, and a man who does not.

      I am a lawyer. This administration may seem like a joke to many, but has worked around the clock to make the country more unjust in so many ways, whether that means dismantling environmental regulations, appointments of many federal judges (for life), treating trans people with incredible cruelty, etc.

      Finally, please look at all the unnecessary deaths to Covid-19, and consider how many more will come if we stay on an anti-science track.

      Please G-d think outside of yourself when considering “staying home” or voting third party. Be realistic. Think of the rest of us.

    • Ellen M. says...

      I agree with so many responses – the RBG thought is LARGE in my mind. Also large in my mind is that the only “constraint” on Trump at this moment is the desire to win a re-election. Imagine the damage that could/will be inflicted by four more years of this administration once it has “nothing to loose”.

    • Lydia says...

      KS, thank you for initiating this conversation.

      I have been thinking about this deeply. Here are some thoughts:

      (1) Power concedes nothing without demand. For those of us that live in reliably blue states (like myself in CA), I have the luxury of not voting for Biden. I will instead focus on down the ballot races, such as replacing Pelosi with Shahid Buttar and so on. While Biden (ie ANYONE) is better than Trump, we cannot give him a mandate and MUST continue to push him & hold him accountable.

      (2) If I lived in a swing state/state in play, I would think long and hard and most likely vote for Biden (as I did for Hilary in 2016). Trump’s authoritarian bent in concert with unwavering support by nefarious actors such as Mitch McConnell, et al. is tremendously concerning.

      (3) I know many Bernie Sanders supporters (including myself) were perplexed by his visible and prompt support for Biden. However, what I eventually realized is Bernie recognizes Biden is malleable. He can work with Biden and continue to push him to the left. And, of course, moderate/conservative Dems (and lobbyists) will also jockey for Biden’s ear.

      (4) Biden is a deeply flawed and not particularly likable candidate. However, he is a mere symptom of a flawed system.
      The Democratic and Republican parties are essentially one party, the “Business Party”. For example: Why is Biden against Medicare for All (in the midst of mass unemployment and a pandemic)? Answer: Insurance company lobbyists and lots of $$$$.

      (5) So, what do we do? How do we maintain hope & purpose? By focusing on local elections and down the ballot races. There have been and are and will be many exciting races, such as Charles Booker in KY (lost by 3%, he has a bright future), Jamaal Bowman (defeated Eliot Engel, an entrenched career politician and war hawk), Shahid Buttar (challenging Nancy Pelosi, net worth $120 million, a history of conflicts of interest). Here in SF, we elected Chesa Boudin for District Attorney and he immediately ended cash bail and just commuted the death sentence of the last inmate on SF death row). Politics are local and, as Bernie reminded us, “Not Me. Us”.

      You can defeat a person. You can disregard a person. But a movement? That has staying power. And youth.

      Let me put it this way–the first time I ever canvassed for a candidate, made phone calls for a candidate, donated to a candidate was Bernie Sanders. He awakened hope in me.

      And now I am a member of the DSA and will be making calls for candidates locally and in key races all over the country.

      I am committed to the movement. I am one of many. And together, we are powerful.

      Take a look at the video of Fredrick Douglass’s descendents reading his 4th of July speech. Near the end of the video (about 6 min in), one of the descendents talks about the speech in context with current events. He surfaces a powerful observation: Pessimism is the tool of white oppression.

      Keep the hope, KS, and keep asking questions and being critical, pushing against the status quo. :)

    • Jenna says...

      I agree with all of the responses given so far, and want to add additional considerations. Trump has left so many governmental departments without leaders or has appointed inexperienced campaign donors who are doing great harm, in ways that don’t even make the news. He is appointing conservative judges by the dozen (and would most likely appoint another Supreme Court justice If re-elected). I agree that Biden is not who I want to vote for, but you bet your @$$ I’m going to, because he means governmental posts will get filled with competent people, the White House administration team (who truly MAKES the policy) will be filled with competent people. Men have used women for their own purposes for centuries. Let’s use Biden for our purposes this time, flawed as he may be. It is a first step, but not the last. Let’s at least give ourselves a shot to make change. Right now we’re so distracted with putting out raging fires we have little energy to do meaningful building. Right now, a vote for Biden is not a vote for ignoring harassment. It’s a vote for saving human lives, lives that would be lost to racists getting a free pass, a pandemic going unchecked, children being held in horrific conditions. So you bet I’m going to make that vote, and I hope you do too ❤️

    • Jill says...

      “Numerous questionable sexual or questionable behaviors”……?? There has never been any evidence to support these “Trumped up” allegations about Joe Biden. And there’s absolute proof of Trumps demeaning behavior towards women all over the place.
      You are voting for the Democratic Party to help restore our governments credibility and respect at home and internationally. Joe Biden is the person running, he’s not perfect, bet he has the proper experience and does not make unilateral decisions to the detriment of our country. I could go on, but I will stop now.

    • Gail D. says...

      I guess what I cannot get past is that for four years, I’ve heard repeatedly that “what this country needs is no more old, white men running the show!” And then what do the Democrats put forward in this election? It doesn’t get much older (and, at times, almost senile) and whiter than Joe Biden. Several of my black friends have said that they don’t support Biden because he brings nothing to the table that help them.

    • EC says...

      @Roberta P, I’m not sure how you interpreted my comment as “absolute confidence” in Biden when I shared an article about Bernie’s efforts to push Biden to the left, but since you wanted to say hi:

      I gotta imagine you don’t also have loved ones working in the healthcare, restaurant, and delivery industries through a pandemic that this president won’t even try to contain. I have to imagine you’re not an attorney exhausted from fighting deportation orders for terrified immigrants, as if this system weren’t hard enough to navigate before he took office. I imagine no one’s spat at you on the street and called you a slur, emboldened by the President calling COVID the “Chinese virus,” or that your closest friends are folks from “shit hole” countries who’ve been going through some version of that at different time points over his term. I have to imagine that there’s no one you care about who’ll benefit from having marijuana convictions expunged from their record, which is currently on the Democratic Party platform. Voting Trump out is imperative to all of these concerns. And if we trust Bernie and care about progressive policies, his team’s work with the Democratic Party is a compelling reason to vote Biden in for this term: https://joebiden.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/UNITY-TASK-FORCE-RECOMMENDATIONS.pdf

      It’s your prerogative to keep your vote blank because you didn’t like what a stranger had to say on the Internet. That’s a level of privilege–fragility, even–I will never know.

    • Shawn says...

      You hit one of the nails squarely on the head. Biden not only has inappropriate touching of young girls as an issue but he’s corrupt to the core. Look up Burisma. He’s also a flagrant racist-he pushed a bill that incarcerated many black men for small offenses and used the n word on many occasions. And he has serious cognitive decline. For the life of me-I just don’t understand why Trump is labeled a racist when he has done more for the black community than any other president, was a financial backer for Jesse Jackson, gave out loans to help poor black entrepreneurs way back in the 80’s. Unfortunately the media is an arm of the Dem party so hearing unbiased news is impossible. I’m a proud Trump supporter. I’m not racist, I’m highly educated and well read on all the issues. I would never vote for Biden and his radical agenda. And there are many many of us out there. We just don’t have the big megaphones Democrats have. I’m happy to have a civil discussion about the issues. I used to be democrat but walked away ages ago. My eyes are now wide open. If you care about this country you should at least explore the policies of the other side. I do believe the MSM is hugely biased and have an agenda. Learn and read on your own is absolutely necessary.

    • Jeanne says...

      In past elections, turnout was pretty lukewarm because, on the whole, it didn’t matter enormously much to a lot of people. Each party would put out their candidate and the country would pretty much operate as per usual. I admit, I was often indifferent to voting myself. This time it’s different. So so different. We have seen what four years of non-leadership has brought us. The racist support, the lack of guidance, the perpetual cabinet turnovers, the constant egregious lies, the increased divisiveness, the hate, the international fall of the US reputation. None of this is or ever has been typical politics. Today, what this election is about is to bring back that normalcy and stability again. Biden may not be your favorite or the best candidate. He’s certainly not mine. But a vote for anyone else IS a vote for Trump because it doesn’t contribute to getting him out of office (Trump still has a very strong following). And I can’t imagine what four more years of this is going to do to our country in ways we cannot fix.

    • Danielle says...

      Biden was not my first choice. He wasn’t even my fourth choice. This is a very general thought but I try to think of candidates as city busses. Which is going in the direction you want to go? Sure, you may not be dropped off directly where you want, but heading towards your destination is obviously better than going in the wrong way. And then, when you get there, keep walking! Work, make phone calls, write letters – at least you are a few blocks away and not across town. (I’m really working the metaphor!)

    • Sasha L says...

      So many thoughtful comments in reply.

      For me it’s just really simple, a Biden vote is a vote against Trump, that’s all. When it comes down to it, I’m not sure who is bad enough out there that I wouldn’t vote for them over Trump? I’m just focusing on *this is the first step in saving our country*. Like going to the dentist, a pap, a mammogram, picking up dog poop…… No one likes it really. Needs to be done. So just get on with it

    • NJ says...

      Lydia, thank you for your thorough explanation of why we shouldn’t just accept Biden.

      I think all the focus on voting for Biden really does show a massive amount of privilege. Is he better than Trump? Obviously. But will he help people get health insurance? Will he stop deportations? Will he support movements for defunding police? Is his drug policy informed by anti-racism? (No.)

      Biden would be a “return to normal” after four years with Trump. But “normal” was a very oppressive reality for lots of Americans (and undocumented people).

      And oh my goodness, please stop trying to discredit Tara Reade. It shows a shocking hypocrisy to find fault with her allegations after we marched against Trump wearing the pussy hats.

    • Kara says...

      One of my favorite quotes about voting: “voting isn’t marriage, it’s public transportation. You’re not waiting for “the one” who’s absolutely perfect: you’re getting the bus, and if there isn’t one to your destination, you don’t not travel–you take the one going closest.”

      And then I loved these thoughts from Angela Davis in an interview this past June: “Well, my position really hasn’t changed. I’m not going to actually support either of the major candidates. But I do think we have to participate in the election. I mean, that isn’t to say that I won’t vote for the Democratic candidate. What I’m saying is that in our electoral system as it exists, neither party represents the future that we need in this country. Both parties remain connected to corporate capitalism. But the election will not so much be about who gets to lead the country to a better future, but rather how we can support ourselves and our own ability to continue to organize and place pressure on those in power. And I don’t think there’s a question about which candidate would allow that process to unfold.

      So I think that we’re going to have to translate some of the passion that has characterized these demonstrations into work within the electoral arena, recognizing that the electoral arena is not the best place for the expression of radical politics. But if we want to continue this work, we certainly need a person in office who will be more amenable to our mass pressure. And to me, that is the only thing that someone like a Joe Biden represents. But we have to persuade people to go out and vote to guarantee that the current occupant of the White House is forever ousted.”

  68. Julie says...

    Library hold put on The Still Point of the Turning World.

  69. Megan says...

    I’m always surprised how many women don’t want to buy maternity clothes. I have a small group of women who pass around a now-fairly-sizable collection of maternity clothes like Sisterhood of the Traveling Maternity Leggings and it’s a dream. It’s gotten us through collectively 8 babies and counting. I’m pregnant with my second and did not have to buy a single pair of maternity shorts but goddamn am I glad to have them to chase after my toddler this summer.

    Just because something is maternity styled does not mean that it’s A) disposable; B) poor-quality; C) ill-fitting. If anything, I find I feel more supported physically and better about the way I look wearing clothes that are designed for a growing belly — especially for workout gear, where the low-cut waist or higher-belly coverage is essential.

    Y’all do y’all and what makes you feel best, but if you can find secondhand maternity gear, I say get after it! There are ways to wear all kinds of clothes that still align with your values :)

    • I left a comment on that post about what worked for me, but I had a hard time articulating what you say so well here! It is not as simple to dress a pregnant body as it may seem. I appreciate that there are some brands that are sustainable, stylish, and chic. I had a great luck with the UK brand Beyond Nine. I also think that maternity clothes become the gateway for thinking of dressing as a mom is frumpy, unsexy (or “trying too hard” with super form fitting styles). That attitude really bums me out.

  70. A says...

    What!! I LOVE having sex with my husband (except when pregnant).

  71. Maya says...

    That was fast, thanks!!! Have a great weekend.

  72. Shelley says...

    That’s wild. I feel like I’ve never had so much sex in my whole life haha. We have two kids and regularly have nap time sex and evening sex. We are both home! Why not?!? Sometimes I even put on lingerie during daylight!

    • Anna says...

      Seriously… it’s like, what else is there to do except each other?? ?

    • Erin says...

      Same here! The stay-at-home orders have been great for our sex lives. (Three kids age 10 through 5). I bought new lingerie for the first time since having kids!

    • ARC says...

      I wish. Even though hubbie and I are both at home, the kids (teenagers) are there all the time as well, and there is no naptime, and their bedtime is later than mine, especially in summer. When things were normal, we scheduled “meetings” when the kids were in school ….

    • Sophie says...

      Omg, yes! My husband and I have never had so much sex. Stay-at-home has been amazing for that connection; the world outside (and inside! Kids home, unstable jobs) feels so stressful and scary and sex feels so fun and safe. Honestly it’s the best thing to have come out of lockdowns for us.

  73. Jessica says...

    I think the “best game” link might not be working.

    • Joanna Goddard says...

      oh yes! fixed! thank you xo