How to Help a Child After a Bad Day

I’ve been trying to use this strategy with my daughters. My 5 year old was sick and had to miss an entire week of school, including an evening event at her school that she had really been looking forward to. When she realized she had missed the event, she was devastated. My first instinct was to try to cheer her up “there will be more events! Let’s do a craft at home like we would have done there!” but I opted instead to just hold her, validate her feelings, let her cry and cry and fully feel the emotion. I once read that if you can embrace your kids’ “bad” feelings when they’re young, they will continue to show you their inner world when they’re older and you don’t want them to shut you out. I hope to be a soft landing for her throughout her life, so she never feels like she has to swallow down her feelings around me.

This is so fantastic and such a great reminder. I grew up with really wonderful parents and my mom for sure tried to instantly fix anything that I brought to her. I told her everything for decades, and still do. But sometimes even now (at 33, with a 1 and 3 yr old) when I call I get so exasperated when she interrupts me to tell me spiritedly how this is just a phase, it gets better/easier, Im such a great mom, etc. I always remind her I really, truly, just need a minute to vent to someone who understands, and if I need actual advice I’ll ask for it :) I just want to feel HEARD and this post is such a perfect reminder that OF COURSE that’s what my kids want, too.

But it’s not gonna keep me from wanting to solve all of their problems for them, deep down ;) Please re-publish this post at least annually to keep some of us meddlers from becoming the moms who go to high school and deck the bully…

Thanks for the post, Jo. I totally needed this reminder. We are just a couple months into kindergarten and who was her first fast friend and instant buddy from day one decided this week she “needs space” and won’t play with her any more. And in typical queen bee fashion, this friend has influence to make the rest of the cohort not play with her. Oof. I’m trying my best to not “fix it,” because my knee jerk reaction is to try to go nuclear: get in touch with this girl’s parents and arrange for teacher led mediation. Deep breaths…. A little conflict is how we learn grit. There will be hundreds more slights in her future and what matters more is that she knows her parents will be there to support her.

When my kids have a bad day, we will occasionally make nachos for dinner because today was Nacho Day… (get it?). There is something about talking about your bad day over salty cheesy goodness that helps to turn it around.

I can’t recall if you posted about this book but I just started reading Tell Me More by Kelly Corrigan and it as such great information related to this topic! Basically just repeat what they stated and keep asking for more information (i.e. don’t do what I instinctively want to do which is solve all their problems).

In my family, we all love to talk and it is so hard to listen to one of us talking without interrupting – and also by looking at the one without moving about the room etc. I learned that there is almost no bigger gift to give to each other than our full attention, an open ear, and time. We can see how everybody feels better only by truly being heard.

Yes, Joanna! I recently picked up How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and the first chapter is all about how to do this well. I’m realizing that in my quest to be positive, resilient, and optimistic, I’m downright horrible at just acknowledging and listening. I’m working on it! Thank you for the reminder. https://feedingthesoil.com/2019/11/04/how-to-talk-so-kids-will-listen/

I am learning self-parenting strategies, which is a specific set of tools designed for trauma survivors, because many of us didn’t receive these essential tools in childhood.

My FAVORITE one so far is to validate your needs, especially when they’re not met. When the world tells you that you can’t have something right now, it’s never because your NEED was invalid/a problem. It’s just the circumstances that are to blame, not your want/hope/wish/need. The idea is to say to yourself, “Of COURSE you wanted that job!” or “no WONDER you’re feeling upset because of the weather. when you’re cold it really is harder to concentrate on your work.”

My internal fear isn’t really about things not panning out the way I expect. My fear is more about: what if I’M wrong? What if I don’t belong, shouldn’t be here, aren’t “allowed” to want, aren’t “allowed” to take up space or to be the person I know I am? Will other people shun me if they see the real me? So reassuring myself about that underlying fear makes me much more able to weather the overt storm that it looks like I’m struggling against.

Simple but super helpful advice, thanks so much for posting this!

True for grown ups too! Whenever I have a tough day at work and need to vent to my partner at home, the last thing I want is for him to try and fix the problem. I want to feel heard and to be told that it’s ok for me to have the feelings I’m having.

This is so real. I’m a full adult, and my whole life the only person who has ever done this for me is my own mother. (Because it’s kind of presumptuous, right? To say, “you must feel embarrassed/frustrated/sad.”) Yet, whenever she does that I feel it in my heart–so seen. I didn’t even have the name for it, but yes, so simple–I feel embarrassed/frustrated/sad.

What a gift, and a great reminder.

I work with teens and they (on a whole) can not deal with any disappointment. Stress easily and have great difficulty dealing with things that don’t go their way.
I wonder what is causing this.
Perhaps too much parent saving the day and protecting. I don’t know. Validating kids feelings are important. Im a bit old school and find myself saying this a lot
” things are not going to work out your way all the time … push through it. “

One thing I really struggle with is mirroring others’ emotions. If my kids/spouse are crabby, I immediately get crabby. I am going to try really hard to be a soft place to land….

On the subject of letting your kids sit with their emotions, I highly recommend a book that my 7 year old bought home from school called The Rough Patch.
It’s about Evan, a fox, who loves to work in his magnificent garden with his beloved pet dog. When his dog dies, Evan feels so heartbroken that he destroys the garden and lets weeds take over. He wants it to be as ugly as he feels. After time, a pumpkin vine grows in under the fence and he lets it grow until he has an immense pumpkin and feels the pull of the county fair and his old routines.
Although it’s about grief, I cannot tell you how many times we have referenced this book when my son is upset about something much less serious. I love the message that it is reasonable to feel terrible sometimes, and that there will be a way out even if it takes awhile.

This advice is parenting gold and actually is a great way to discipline small children. Let me explain. At 8 months my baby started head banging and I was terrified, so I made an appointment with a social worker who specialized in infant and child development. Though not true for all babies, it turns out she was having baby tantrums?!? The medicine: acknowledge her feelings and give her a hug. She’s two now. Last week she threw a fit because she wanted to move around the furniture in her room, right at bedtime, and of course I had to say no. Screaming ensued. I gave her a big hug and told her “you’re so mad, this must be so hard” and she calmed right down within a minute. You acknowledge their feelings while still setting boundaries. Now if only I could get her to sleep through the night. Ha!

About every 6 weeks my child is suddenly emotional over everything that ever happened in school. Instinct had me handing out advice to solve the problems but then he gave another issue. After a few cycles of this behavior (usually at bedtime) I thought of myself. Sometimes you just got to get it all out. You got to cry, act frustrated, decide you don’t like everyone all the time and then you wake up the next day and feel pretty good.
Now I just listen instead of solving his problems and he always feels so much better. He even suggested I become a school counselor which was an adorable compliment.

I think this is true for people who are grieving, too… you don’t have to fix anything or provide solutions. Just listening and echoing how much everything sucks can be comforting to them.

Yes! I always try to think about this and was alerted to it by the most random source: an episode of Parks and Rec. While Ann is pregnant she gets exasperated with Chris trying to find solutions for all of her complaints instead of just saying “That sucks.” As a ‘fixer,’ that rang very true for me. Now I try to better gauge if someone needs actual solutions, or if they just need me to listen and say emphatically say “that sucks!”

This is such great advice and definitely works for my five-year-old. I’ve also found that she is almost always calmed by the idea that I’ve gone through scenarios and emotions that mirror hers. She is constantly asking me, “Mommy, did YOU feel like that when YOU were a little girl?” It’s what we all want and probably something to do with why CoJ writing and comments section are so popular :) – to see ourselves reflected in someone else!

I HIGHLY recommend all of Wendy Mogel’s books!

This works for adults, too :)