PREVIOUS ARTICLE
Every damn night. By Jessica Olien.
P.S. Parenting tip and books I could write.
Subscribe
51 Comments
Haha I am the one bringing up hard topics! Or like, wishing we would talk about something “meaningful”/”important” because that’s what makes me feel close. My husband understands better that not every day has to have a life-changing discussion.
I just laughed out loud and sent this to my husband. It is sooo me!
I live in a neighborhood in East Nashville that has a whole weekend dedicated to tomato season! Its the best thing ever and I always reccomend it to people coming to visit from out of town. Its all about bringing the neighborhood together and celebrating all of the ecclectic and different types of people in our community. The tagline for the fest speaks for itself: “The Tomato – A Uniter, Not A Divider! – Bringing Together Fruits & Vegetables.” Its the best thing ever and beings a whole new meaning to tomato season :-)
When I was little and worried at bedtime, my mom would say “oh look! It’s past 6pm, guess we can’t talk about that!” and it became one of those family rules, that even as I got older, we never broke. The 6pm rule got my siblings and I through hard high school years, anxieties about college, and so forth. My partner even knows not to ask me hard things after a certain time of day.
I have PTSD from a c-section without anesthesia so I have to watch TV in order to fall asleep. It has to be something I have already seen and it has to be lighthearted. My husband cannot have the TV on to fall asleep. I usually watch an iPad with headphones in. Occasionally I will fall asleep and wake up to him turning the ipad off. Then he will say “sorry, did you just get cut open in your sleep?” He thinks he is being sensitive talking about it.
That sounds horrific- I’m sorry that happened to you
That sounds really hard Lisa. Hope you can get some support soon and things improve.
Far out. Sounds like you’ve bern through a lot!! Sending big hugs and thinking how brave you are x
Lisa,
I can’t imagine what that experience must have been like. My heart goes out to you.
At the risk of being annoying, I’d like to share that I’ve struggled with insomnia for most of my life (not due to a specific trauma), and have tried more things that I can count with only marginal success; however, I’ve recently been using the Calm app and I’m floored by the improvements I’ve experienced in the past month and a half. They also offer many, many other programs related to anxiety, fear, worry, etc… that are also wonderful. There is an offer offer for a 7-day free trial (which in all honesty, I thought I would do and end up cancelling before the end of to avoid paying, but kept it because of the improvements I experienced in such a short time) after which it’s about $60 for the year.
Lastly, if it’s financially feasible for you, EMDR would be hugely beneficial for addressing the trauma directly: https://www.emdria.org/page/findatherapistmain/Find-an-EMDR-Therapist-Directory.htm
Ok, end of my “good ideas for other people sermon.”
Best of luck, Lisa. I’m rooting for you!!
Signed,
Your sleep-challenged sister-in-arms
My husband knows not to start any big discussions after 9 pm because my brain is jell-o in the evening. Instead, he lies with me in bed and I ask, “Why did you love me today?” It’s often something small, like bringing him tea in bed, or leaving him the last bite of dessert but sometimes he tells me something really poignant about how he felt when I helped/supported/listened to him. It’s a daily reminder that my acts of love speak a thousand words, and a lovely way to fall asleep .
that’s so beautiful and sweet :) i must try it x
I asked my husband this last night while he was watching the Mets game. He responded with “Are you trying to bring a migraine on for me?” Ugh. (He did answer though lol).
Oh gosh, this is perfect. I want to start this tonight.
Karen I gasped! This is so beautiful.
It’s like clockwork. I get horizontal and my brain turns on me. I’m happy for my husband that he doesn’t suffer from anxiety of any kind- really, I am. But sometimes (just SOMETIMES, and only between the hours of midnight and 2am) I wish he would BOLT UP straight, look at me with horror, and say something like “I don’t think our cat drinks enough water and it’s going to lead to crippling vet medical bills and a long painful death for her and she’s a cat so she won’t be able to communicate her pain to us so we won’t know until it’s too late.” We could huddle together under the stress of it all, in the blue light of our phones, googling for answers.
Hahah! This is soo relatable for me!
Make this MORNING routine and IT’S ME!
My boyfriend is a night owl, and I’m a lark. On weekdays when he stays at mine, I’ll get up and shower at 6:25, and I’ll come back and he’ll still be just waking up. I’ve had like 15-20 mins of THINKING TIME, and will often wake him (with a cup of tea!) by saying things like “so I was thinking about this thing I read in my book about murder….” or “would you rather never have wine and cheese or never have sex again?” or “I’ve been thinking about work in the shower and now I’m all worked up and HELP ME…”. Dear of him, he ALWAYS steps up, but I think it’s a “Thing he puts up with because he love me” rather than something he finds endearing… he’s such a lucky chap!
This is so us but with my husband with the depressing and stressful thoughts. I have to remind him every night to bring up those conversations before I’m right about to fall asleep, or he won’t remember! And he still slips…”wait, I thought what I said wasn’t the same thing…” He clears his mind and knocks out, and i’m left to worry. Sigh.
This is totally me. Right as we start to fall asleep…”Isn’t it sad how everyone you love will eventually die one day?” I’m not usually like that, but for some reason all those anxieties come rushing in at bedtime! I remember a CoJ post about that a few months ago, and it made me feel so much better that I wasn’t the only one!
Totally me and my husband, except replace the book with the NYT crossword. Me: If you could live anywhere else in the world, where would you? Him: Who won the Oscar in 1963 for best actress?
That would be my husband. “Let me go into great detail about the super depressing article I read today.”
I have this rule with my husband, we can only b*tch about work for the duration of our commute home (around 30 minutes on the train) If something great happens, we celebrate and discuss, of course. If something beyond the usual “my boss sucks” “unrealistic expectations” etc… we always take a time out and evaluate/discuss it. For the longest time we just had continuous negative conversations about depressing things that neither of us could control and I think that takes a toll. Now we need to work on my ability to relate everything back to true crime stories and freaking people out. haha “Actually did you know Jeffery Dahmer did something like that….”
-Eyes widen, heads tilt, and my husband shakes his head-
My husband does the same thing:
“So, do you have much on your plate in your job tomorrow? Soooo, stressful day tomorrow? Soooo, tell me, have you thought about everything you have to do tomorrow yet?”
Then he rolls over, starts snoring and I am left to mentally re-arrange to do-lists for the next million hours.
We have been married for 13 years; together for 21. I have often talked to him about this and he totally understands me and promises to never do it again. And then it slips out. He just is not a worrier and doesn’t think twice about stuff like this…
I love hypothetical situations – my very logical, calm husband does not. “What would you do if I lost use of my hands and had to use my feet for everything? Would you still love me?”
I can relate. I spend many nights thinking about terrible scenarios like what if my car accidentally somehow falls off the bridge when I have the boys with me. So many terrible unlikely scenarios take up my thoughts at night!
Geez, it is almost like you were in bed with us. The thing is, even though we have 2 kids that are in college, they are still home with us all Summer. It seems like the only time we have to talk…alone. I guess I would prefer to do other things instead.
I have always thought this was just me. Me and my hubs are laughing so hard right now.
Oh no! The parenting tip link doesn’t work! I’m letting you know bc I need all the help I can get in the parenting area.
Love this site!
Roles reversed, and always financial talk because he checks our stupid bank account before bed. WHYYYY
“Did you go to some random gas station? What’s up with spending $42 at Chick Fil A?”
YES
It always comes back around to the polar bears & climate change for me. What’s going to happen to them???!!!!!!!
This legit keeps me up at night. And that damn plastic in the ocean. Sigh. You know what our Mother’s generation (probably) worried about? What’s for dinner? Is Sally doing ok in school? Why hasn’t my sister called me back? Now we worry about those things…and the climate…and politics…and culture. And whether we should finally book that massage/vacation/haircut to feel better.
That generation had imminent nuclear attack to think about. But they didn’t have a magic news machine in their hand that could bring the horrors of the world to life every second of every day.
Oops! This is so me.
Last night, as we were falling asleep, I told my husband that he should learn to recognize the signs that someone is having a stroke, just in case that ever happens to me.
Sweet dreams, Michael!
This is hilarious!
Best time to bring it up…
This made me laugh out loud. This is so accurate, haha.
LOL this is my husband. “So…about our mortgage…” IT IS 11PM SIR!!!
HAHAHAHAHA
My husband too! I tell him that I don’t do any thinking past 8:00 pm.
YES! I have a rule with my husband (the night owl) that he can’t talk to me about “real things” after 8pm, which is when our toddler goes to bed. I just want to eat chocolate, binge parks and rec and maybe have sexy time.
Him? Where do we see ourselves in 5 years? Should we put another $10k down on the mortgage or sell the house and move further out of the city? Did I tell you about that political/economic/cultural/complicated thing I heard on NPR. Me……ugh pass the chocolate and maybe take off your clothes but please for the love of God stop talking about hard things.
Same.
And my husband is like … tonight? again? couldn’t we just … fall asleep?!
This is so me!
Lol me always ….. !
“You can choose: how to face the climate crisis or who to leave our children with in the event we die at the same time? Why aren’t you saying anything? Are you asleep or still thinking?”
hahahaha ANSWER ME!!!!
yes, but with the roles reversed
HAHAHA! I feel so seen!
Exactly!
More to Love
The beauty genius shares her favorite drugstore products and what it was like to interview Rihanna.
81 COMMENTS
“It’s my prayer, it’s my church.”
175 COMMENTS
“Sending a simple text makes me feel so seen.”
166 COMMENTS