Do You Hug and Kiss Your Friends? (What About Arm Tickles?)

I love touchy-feely friendships in theory, but I’m stolidly Midwestern and I feel like this is up there with dancing naturally– it requires a level of letting go I’m just not prepared for. Now I live in one of the parts of England where people kiss on the cheek and it’s taken so much getting used to! I just don’t recognise the cues when someone is leaning in for a cheek kiss. I always think they are going to whisper something to me. Then I look like an asshole because they’re given me a kiss and I haven’t even tried to kiss back. I’m starting to get used to it. Someday I may even attempt it myself.

I’m definitely affectionate with my friends! I compliment them at any opportunity but we’re also physically affectionate–men and women. We lay legs across laps on the couch, put our arms around each other’s shoulders while out and about, and they all know that it’s a rule in my house that you get hugged when you arrive and when you leave. Even my friend who is not much of a hugger has adjusted and admits he actually likes the guaranteed hug when leaving my home. He instigates it! It makes my heart happy.

Relating to friend love (but not touch): The other day I was standing on the subway platform waiting for my train when another train pulled up. I noticed a lovely woman sitting with her back to me wearing pretty earrings, so I thought, “cute earrings!” to myself. Then I realized it was my best friend! I tapped on the glass and she turned around. We excitedly waved at each other and mouthed “I love you!” as her train pulled away. Then we texted each other about how cute the moment was, like a rom com!, and wished one another a good day. It made my morning! Isn’t friend-love glorious!? I actually feel a little bad that men don’t get to have the intimacy that women friends have with each other. We can really be outward with our love for each other that society implies men-friends cannot. Saying and hearing, “I love you”, a long hug, holding hands, or a soft rub on the back is good for everyone, not just women. Right?

And relating to touch, I was told once that massage is used as therapy for people dealing with eating disorders. That people with anorexia who received regular massage were able to gain weight. I don’t remember the details, but I guess the touch of another person helps. I, of course, can imagine why.

I live so far from my closest friends now so I don’t have a lot of physical contact with just friends, other than a hug when we greet and depart. When I was in my 20s though I lived close to my bestie and we used to spend Sundays cuddling on her couch together under a blanket watching You’ve Got Mail. It was the best. I have a group of college friends that still gets together for Girls Weekends and whenever we do we sleep 2-3 to a bed in a rental house. That’s another fave of mine.

Such an interesting topic! I’m not sure if anyone else has brought this up yet, but as a woman in the workplace one thing I HATE is when a male colleague will shake hands with all the men in a group and then give me a hug!!! UGH. I do not owe you physical touch, and it makes me feel disrespected and condescended to.

Growing up, I would kiss my parents on the cheek and give them a hug before bed, but beyond that we weren’t super physically affectionate. My mother would always braid my hair though, and I still find that really soothing. We’re also South Asian-American, and in our culture, children are often fed from a mother’s hand when they’re younger (fun fact: they’ve done studies and apparently this food actually tastes better due to the unique oils in your mother’s hands vs anyone else’s!).

I was expected to give everyone a hug goodbye at large family gatherings, which I HATED. I’m so glad people are talking about giving children the option to not touch people! I once got in trouble because I didn’t want to say goodbye to a bunch of (mostly strange) adults at a family gathering so threw a temper tantrum instead. If/when I have kids, I want to make sure they have the language and option to say when they’re uncomfortable with touch.

Now, I don’t mind hugging people when they go in for it, but I usually don’t initiate hugs. I do like casual physical touches with friends and my partner though — not snuggles but just like casually touching while on couch, or bumping shoulders when standing next to each other. I feel like it’s a nice in between where you’re not invading someone’s space/bodily autonomy but still giving an affectionate “hey, I like you.”

Love the comment about how Brazilians hug. My best friend’s wife is Brazilian and we always joke about the contrast between British hugs (at arm’s length, lasting a nano-second) and Brazilian ones (full body contact, from head to toe, lasting waaaay beyond the point where gets uncomfortable). It’s entered the family vernacular: “sending you Brazilian hugs”.

„I’m not naturally that touchy with people — I don’t instigate it — but I really like when others are.“

That‘s me!

My best friend from childhood once picked up my daughter when she was a toddler and said, she smells just like you. That sign of our closeness (kids always know what everything smells like!) was so special to me. We aren’t close anymore, but I would love to fall into her arms!

I agree that it’s cultural! I’m from the US but my husband and I live in Brazil, and like Gisela described, people are very affectionate here! (I laughed out loud at “there goes my next half hour!” SO TRUE… a half hour to kiss everyone hello when you arrive… and another half hour when you leave!) I love how warm everyone is and think it’s made me more affectionate with my friends and family.

I was never very touchy with friends in college (expect my best friend), until I moved to Tunisia to teach English. Here, women greet women and men greet men with kisses on both cheeks. It’s become routine to greet my co-workers this way daily. It’s interesting because touching/affection between men and women in public is not seen often as Tunisia is a more conservative, mostly Muslim country. But I find that physical affection within genders is much more common. While I’m not sure that I initiate touch more often with my friends now, I have come to appreciate how loved and accepted I feel being greeted in such an intentional way.

Growing up in an asian family, there were never hugs, kisses or “i love you”. We didn’t talk about our feelings and affection was never displayed.

Now as an adult, I have two daughters (9 and 10 yrs), whom I couldn’t imagine not kissing and hugging every single day. We start our mornings off with a kiss and a hug and do the same when we part ways. Often my younger daughter will hold me for a while until she is ready to start her day.

We often request time together, intertwined on the sofa, by asking “cuddle?”, both them to me and me to them, when we feel the need or want. We will hop on the sofa and I’ll hold my daughters close and stroke their hair, nuzzle them while looking into their faces. It’s in these moments that we have conversations about what is going on in their lives.

I know when I am older and they have moved out, I will think back to these moments and cherish them.

After a couple of days of not seeing my partner, there is nothing I want more than to give him a hug and be close to him. It’s where I feel safe and comforted. Touch is so important with those you love.

This whole topic has me thinking of how I can incorporate more touch with my parents. Maybe an arm around my mom at the kitchen counter or my head on my dad’s shoulder at the dinner table when we are chatting. Baby steps!

This is such an interesting topic to touch on, Joanna!

I’m so here for this post. “Tikki” in my family is a multi-generational ‘touch language” and it’s got the power to relax and calm like nothing else. Imagine fingers gently tracing your skin, not scratching. When getting her chemo treatment, my Baba (grandma) asked my mom for “tikki.” In labor, I had an epidural but felt all of the contractions in my right hip. My husband was power massaging my leg, but my mom was “tikki-ing” my back. Now, at bedtime, my 4-year-old son will turn his back or stretch out his arm and ask, “please mama, tikki, two fingers.” It’s the sweetest request and I never tire of it. It’s connection and love and history all rolled into one lovely act.

I really am not touchy feely towards anyone but my husband and kids, who I am very touchy feely with! But anyone else I really don’t enjoy a hug or kiss from. I’m not sure why!
I tolerate hugs from my family. My husband’s family is very huggy and I do not like it! How can I train them to back off?

I have been thinking more lately about the importance of physical touch, particularly for the elderly. My husband’s grandfather died several years ago, and I am close with his surviving grandmother. She and her husband were always very physically affectionate, and I recently noticed how much she enjoys certain appointments, like getting her nails done, or going to the hairdresser, and realized that these routines are not only about her appearance and self-esteem, but many weeks, they are also the only times she experiences physical touch from somebody – a hand massage or a nice long shampoo probably feels especially good. Now I make sure to give her extra long hugs when I see her, and make an effort to touch her arm or gently rub her shoulder while we’re talking. I’m also trying to talk her into adopting a pet :)

This morning as I was taking my 7 year old to camp, I totally paused the moment in my mind. His small hand in mine as we crossed the street. Pure bliss. Often, I’ll announce, “We’re hugging” when people come to visit or I bump into friends on the street. Or I do a quick, “Are we hugging?” while walking towards someone I know. Growing up, my family was not very touchy- feely. After I started working with kids, who hug and touch you all the time as a pre-K teacher, I realized what I had missed when young. When I stopped teaching my body totally went through touch withdrawal!

I had a friend several years ago that I don’t see often, but for some reason her hugs are something I still think about! She always hugs people for five whole seconds. At first I felt weirded out by it, but then I felt so comforted. I want to be the kind of person who is remembered for hugs, so I am actively trying to give less rushed hugs. Just count to five before you let go.

I was wondering about this the other day when I saw a story about Sophie Turner and Maisie Williams — they were cuddling together in a bunch of photos. I’m not cuddly with friends, but I was totally jealous of that! I don’t think it would have been an option for me growing up in the type of Midwestern community I did, though. During the early days of Facebook when I was in high school, I changed my profile picture to one of me and my best friend and my mom told me people would take it “the wrong way.” UGHHHHH HOMOPHOBIA WHYYYY

I am so surprised at this. I do have best friends who love to squeeze me tight when they see me and even though I love them and have missed them, I still don’t really love the hugs. my husband has been trying to get us hugging and cuddling more lately and its nice but I much prefer just looking at each other and paying attention to each other, listening, talking, doing things together. I hate holding hands! Gosh I kind of want to see a therapist now, ha. I guess I am just not a touchy feely person! I am an introvert. My family wasn’t touchy. I can hug my 3 kids forever though! I also never feeling lonely. I can be alone for long periods, I just never feel lonely. I don’t have a sister and my mom was closer to my brothers. Digging deeper here…..ha