How Are You Feeling Today?

I am having very similar feelings, I know it is so important to talk about these issues, to confront our attackers, but at the same time it is bringing back so many awful memories from being a child and touched inappropriately by a teenage cousin, memories I don’t want to keep reliving. Even typing this now I’m pretty sure I’m going to delete it before sending, and I can’t even be explicit with what happened, just say that it was ‘inappropriate touching’, though it was much worse than that. Having a daughter I’m very aware of how this has affected my life and how I talk to her about her body and how vigilant I am with who she is alone with, so I know it has never left me. Yet, I feel torn, guilty to not be able to speak up against him, when I see him at every Christmas dinner, guilty because as a woman I should speak out, but so scared of making it real, and having to relive it again, and the fear of tearing my family apart and actually having to say it outloud….and most of all the fear of finding out if it happened to my younger sister as well. I’ve never shared this with anyone before, not even my husband ….

Did you watch Brett K’s testimony? Cant believe you did. He screamed, shouted and cried like a drunk.

It’s not possible that they’re both telling the truth, although one can feel empathy for both sides and try to avoid jumping to conclusions. But the larger issue is why the committee won’t permit an FBI investigation, because there are multiple other accusations and corroborations out there which call Kavanaugh’s credibility into question enough that this deserves more scrutiny and consideration. Maybe the FBI would never determine what’s true, but why not try? There are a lot of people willing to talk. The way the judiciary committee is trying to brush these accusations aside and flatly refuse any further investigation before awarding this man a lifetime appointment in such a powerful and influential post is what is most demoralizing and infuriating. It’s not about being for or against women; it’s about a willingness (or lack thereof) to use the information and resources readily available to try to determine whether Kavanaugh is a liar and sexual predator. Their refusal to dig deeper indicates that they simply don’t care enough to entertain that possibility. That is very disturbing.

I would not describe Kavanaugh’s testimony as moving. It was too unhinged and bizarre. As a judge – and potentially a LIFETIME appointee to the highest court in the country – I would expect him to value decorum a little more and not evade questions or belittle senators who disagree with him. I thought Dr. Ford was quite poised and handled herself with grace – and Kavanaugh came in guns blazing and disrespected the whole process. Regardless of whether someone believes her, his behavior was shocking for a judge and (to me) completely unacceptable for someone who is supposed to be an unbiased and rational judgment figure.

Megan, I think a lot of people feel like we do but its easier to stay quiet and listen because it seems like there is only one acceptable answer. Jet, I did watch Judge Kavanaugh’s testimony and politely disagree.

Thank you for writing this, Catherine. I dislike very much the chorus of voices chanting “but he yelled!”, as if that were a legitimate indicator of whether someone is telling the truth or not, or whether someone is of a stable judicial mind.

I have personally experienced that exact same situation where you are speaking extremely passionately about something (like your innocence being called into question on a national stage) but also about to cry, and it comes out as yelling because you’re so intent on what you’re saying and you can’t quite control your vocal chords…

You can believe them both. I believe them both.

I agree with you Catherine. There simply is not enough evidence to 100% believe Dr Ford. I also absolutely REJECT the notion that Judge Kavanaugh is unbelievable because his statement was so passionate. Crying and screaming? Yes, and yes. Seven years ago I was falsely accused of a heinous crime. You better believe I went absolutely BALLISTIC. In fact, I probably made Judge Kavanaugh look like a sleeping kitten. It was only after my accuser began harassing others and landed herself in a mental hospital did most people realize she was lying and I was not. For the record, both my accuser and I are white women. Which one would most of the women on this thread or others like it would they have believed? It gives me chills to think of it.

I appreciate your perspective, Catherine, and that you posted it here. It’s helpful to me (as someone who was absolutely appalled by how this has all gone down, and who found Kavanaugh’s testimony really disturbing) to hear this kind of perspective. Thank you for posting it.
I did want to just say in response to Laura, not that I don’t think you make a valid point, but that, for me at least, it’s not as simple as ‘he yelled!’ (I think Nina is saying something like this, too). The New Yorker article Joanna included in the Friday links captured this, and might be worth reading if you have time. To me, the yelling seemed like an expression of indignation that anyone might question him, and it’s resonant with other examples of men who have had privilege and opportunities their entire lives simply not being able to comprehend that their behavior is under scrutiny. So, I appreciate your interpretation and connection to your life–but did just want to say, for me, it’s not just that he yelled. It’s part of a pattern. And it was deeply disturbing.
Again thanks for sharing your perspective; it’s truly very helpful, and I appreciate it.

Jet, I feel as though you are intentionally belittling and oversimplifying my point. It doesn’t make me naive (or as you say like a student in your class) to try to understand and have empathy for both sides. In fact, I think it takes strength and dispassion and ideological maturity. The principle that many people on this thread are upset about-that women have historically not been heard- is upsetting and valid. It’s also upsetting and valid that many people are wrongfully accused and had their lives destroyed in the court of public opinion.

Your comment is respectful and well-intentioned, but this is akin to saying that equality means as many #WhiteLivesMatter tags as #BlackLivesMatter tags, and that is not equality at all. The point is that everyone already believes men, in the same way that white people are already not under threat of police violence. I encourage you to go read comment sections on any articles talking about Dr. Ford’s testimony and see all the people coming out of the woodwork saying it’s so obvious she’s lying because anyone would report something like this, etc., when very easy-to-find statistics about frequency of reporting say otherwise. The vast majority of the country is in one side of the boat, and the smaller group of us running all the way to the other side still won’t balance the boat out.

When the Black Lives Matter campaign was gaining traction, I saw a lot of ALL Lives Matter retort. And I agree, all lives DO matter. But people who say black lives matter are NOT saying all lives don’t matter – they’re just emphasizing the value of black lives, which are often valued less than they should be. The Me Too movement (to me) wasn’t discrediting the life experience of men, it was giving women validation that this is a part of our culture that needs to be examined and changed. What I do agree with is that our extreme partisan stance on these types of things (like everything else) is counterproductive and unhelpful. I am not against Kavanaugh because he’s conservative. I’m against him because he was indignant and disrespected senators who disagreed with him. He was condescending and lost his temper repeatedly. Even if Dr. Ford is lying, his decorum was appalling for a judge – and his inability to control his anger and handle himself professionally is reason enough for me to question his appointment. There are plenty of other conservatives who handle themselves professionally (recently appointed Gorsuch, for one). Do I agree with him politically? Not at all. But I respect his ability to handle conflict like an adult.

I understand your analogy but feel we need to focus far less on equality and much more on equity. Not all people have the same needs. Giving all people the exact same thing is not going to achieve equity – it may be equality, but it does not achieve a more fair system. This image really summarize what I mean. By striving for equity – giving people what they need when they need it and recognizing that some people need different things – will go much further to achieving more balance and fairness. With all these kinds of difficult conversations, if we ignore the past, we get sucked in to all the ways the past has failed us in equality. When we let that into the conversation, we can more quickly get to a fair place. Equity. Check out this image to try to see what I mean https://www.storypick.com/equality-equity-teacher-band-aids/

Yesterday’s hearing and the subsequent news have been so excruciating. Sending you lots of love and a virtual hug!

ugh, my heart.

Thank you for sharing. Some times small steps take the most courage. This is a lesson for us all.

I felt incredibly uncomfortable that he called it out as a democratic conspiracy. It felt as if he is giving in and participating in the very worst of the current political climate. It did not come off as “impartial judge” but as a political figure. We know judges have political positions, but they must keep them to themselves to demonstrate that in their jobs they will act above that.

Hi Megan,

After the 2016 election, I wanted to return to school for political science, but some personal life changes have postponed that. HOWEVER, I totally get where you are coming from. My thoughts would be:
1. You could start small and look for some organizations to get involved in. It sounds like reaching out to an organization in your community that assists women leaving abusive situations. Personally, when I felt I wanted to make a difference and be more plugged in in my community, I joined Minds Matter as a mentor. I mentor 2 high school girls who will be first generation college attendees. Minds Matter is in over 10 cities and believe that all students regardless of zip code deserve a college education. It’s pretty neat with a high success rate. Getting involved may help you narrow down where you want to go with your career.
2. Sometimes just doing personality tests online help, what do they recommend you do next?
3. Find a career coach! There are a lot of people out there who are skilled in helping people navigate career changes.
4. Practically, I’d consider what sort of pay standards you need and what returning to school, starting over again in a different field mean. I know that sounds boring and harsh, but those are some things that will help you set realistic goals.
5. I’d also just google to see what kinds of jobs there are out there, sometimes looking at job descriptions can help you figure out what sounds good to you.
6. Network! Do you know people doing what you want to be doing? Talk to them! Can you volunteer at their organizations to get a feel for them?

I hope that helps!