Have a Great Weekend.

Jenny you are a rockstar!!

Carrie,
You are so correct and brave to cut your father out of your life. I have a toxic father and have gone to counseling for a very long time. Actually, I still see him (not often) but finally tell him that’s he’s inappropriate.

Right?! When I began to scroll through the article, I was looking for validation of my often very introverted self. But after scanning through a few paragraphs, I found myself rolling my eyes. Relationships take thought, consideration and work. Answering a text message or an email is sometimes a chore, but it’s a small gesture. Obviously I don’t *owe* it to anyone, but a response is kind and considerate, and I will always choose that above all.

I agree with your overall comment. I expected the article to be about street harassment, not friends ghosting one another. I understand that we now are bombarded with texts and emails, which is a challenge and can be overwhelming. Maybe that’s why people shouldn’t have 500+ friends on social media. It’s one thing to ignore messages from people you don’t know or don’t care to have in your life. But to not to respond to an invitation from a friend, or not give a “thank you” is so rude. Who would want to be around someone like that? This is especially annoying after all of the articles this summer about how people with depression just need to “reach out for help.” I guess nobody owes you a response if you do!

100% agree with you both, AB and Carrie. It takes but 20 seconds to acknowledge a message with a simple: “I’m not in a position to help, I wish I were. Take care & best of luck!” That kind of simple humanity keeps people off the ledge, y’know? I wonder how Caroline Garnet McGraw would have gotten her writing career off the ground without someone who didn’t feel like it emailing her back, making a phone call on her behalf, and giving her feedback over coffee. Probably *many* someones did this. Dressing selfishness up as “self-care.” That’s rich. Easy to do when one never has to imagine what his/her alternate life would have been like . . . as a barista.

Absolutely agree. You very well might be overwhelmed and too tired, but your friends are going through things too so don’t be surprised if too much has passed for them while you spent time checked out. You have every right to check out, so long as you understand that they also owe you nothing on your return.

AB, yes to what you’re saying, but also yes to what the article is saying. I wholeheartedly agree with where you’re coming from, but I may have understood the article a bit differently.

When it comes to relationships I’m in with family, with friends, with my significant other, my colleagues, neighbors, etc, I go out of my way to respond, and in a timely manner. I’m cultivating something there.

However, I have a number of ex-flames who I still hear from, at least monthly (it’s been over a year since I last engaged in a two-way conversation with them), and I still receive emails in my spam folder trying to elicit a response from me. Those doors have been closed and I was certainly clear and respectful in that communication, also clear and respectful when I requested to be left alone. As a lifelong people-pleaser, I always wonder if maybe I SHOULD respond. Maybe I should have another conversation about how I’m not available/interested/have moved on. But instead, I remind myself that just because they are choosing to engage, doesn’t mean I HAVE to choose to engage with them. I think the article was addressing these types of interactions, where there’s an undercurrent of toxicity that’s just not good for one person or the other. There is something very loving (self-love) going on when I choose not to respond to a man who knows I’m in a relationship, but continues to send me provocative emails.

And all of this comes from a millennial who never ghosted a single man I met online, even the worst of dates. I simply told them I didn’t see a future with them and wished them luck on their journey to find their person :) This also comes from someone who was stalked by an exboyfriend (and had to get the police involved) because I felt I always owed him an interaction (and an interaction too many led to him showing up at my yoga class twice).

*Also, if anyone is wondering why I haven’t blocked these guys, it’s because the police advising me during my stalking incident told me that unwanted emails/texts are proof of harassment. All you need is to say, “please do not contact me anymore. any contact you make with me after this message is considered proof of harassment” and there you go!

i interpreting this much different. you owe FRIENDS AND FAMILY interaction but not virtual strangers who email you for work advice or bc they think you’re pretty or whatever other reason. maybe it depends what your field is, but i get So Many Emails from strangers and i cannot possibly answer them all. i used to feel extreme guilt but this article and others like it were so liberating.

Totally agree! It’s really disappointing to see this kind of behavior becoming normalized. I’m certainly an introvert, but people seem to be turning inward to a point that is unhealthy (humans are social creatures after all and if you read anything about Blue Zones, it’s clear that quality relationships are integral to a healthy life and longevity). I hope society takes a turn and becomes more social again. On a positive note, I will say that when I lived in Brooklyn, I experienced so many groups of people who were actively social and hosted great get-togethers in their tiny apartments. It’s good to know that still happens :)

I think the only exception is when a person in your life is toxic, in which case they should probably be let go of completely if possible.

I agree. “You don’t owe anyone an interaction” ought to have been “You don’t owe everyone an interaction.”

I find discussions about email and text etiquette sort of fascinating. and agree that communication with friends and family is a priority, a way to love and support each other, and key to building maintain meaningful relationships. But I think this article may be describing a different issue….although it is a little confusing. My interpretation was that it was about feeling obligated to respond to messages from someone who is not a friend but wants to engage in some unwelcome drama that doesn’t directly concern the author. She specifies that she was receiving “troubling emails” from someone she “didn’t feel comfortable keeping in touch with”. That’s not ghosting friends, it’s about discerning which relationships are worthwhile, and who you allow to take up your time and occupy space in your head and your life. (Seems like that piece would have benefitted from some more thoughtful editing.)

I agree mostly with what you all are saying here, you don’t owe EVERYONE an interaction, nothing owed to those who are toxic, even if family, and social interactions are what make us human. I could have written an entire article on not owing anyone selling me something from a MLM scheme an interaction. Because I was a doula and birth educator and homeschool mom for decades I count hundreds of lovely women as friends on social media. But the selling of MLM crap makes me want to run screaming and I absolutely don’t reply to the many messages I get that go something along the lines of this : “hey! How’s it going? Been a long time! I want to let you know about this amazing new……….” No, they don’t want to connect or know how I’m doing. They want to sell me crap or even worse suck me into selling their crap. I absolutely don’t respond because I am generally kind and polite and I just couldn’t be if I did respond. Ignore is my only option there, even for women I otherwise like.