Have a Great Weekend.

My MIL assumes that I’m the reason her son isn’t closer to her. The sad truth is that he doesn’t want a relationship with his mom. I’ve had to step away from trying to bring them together; it was a no-win situation for me to be in the middle of a grasping, toxic mother and her fed up son. For some sad Mothers in Law, the gulf may have been created before the son’s wife ever entered the picture.

I enjoyed reading the maternal grandparent advantage. Watching my sister’s marriage vs. my brother and his fiance has actually been making me realize what a difference there can be.

My brother got engaged in June and they’ve been living in a house together for about 2 years now. She’s a wonderful lady and I think in a lot of ways, has made him step up to the plate as an adult. However, even though they don’t have kids yet, I have seen the difference in relationship between the couple and each family.

Sometimes it makes me feel hurt because they have definitely made her family a priority and ours is lucky to see them a handful of times a year. Each holiday, they go to her parents. Sometimes, they’ll pop over for an hour over the holidays or the day after. This year they were going to go to her folk’s house, but her parents decided to travel instead and they couldn’t afford to go with since a wedding is just over the horizon.

I think this is also shown in the wedding planning (Which isn’t surprising. Let’s face it, the bride usually plans the wedding. And you know what, she should totally do what’s right for them, I’m not upset). My brother proposed to her on vacation this year at my grandma’s condo and I was heartbroken when I learned about it on facebook, right alongside the people they went to grade school with and other irrelevant people. I was the one who made the phone call to congratulate them and didn’t mention this; I didn’t want to ruin the excitement. Before that though, she made a point that she didn’t want anyone to know about it until she was able to break the news to her family in person after the vacation.

I’m still unsure whether I’m being ridiculous or not in my emotions. Sometimes I feel hurt and other times, I just tell myself that we aren’t as close as I’d thought (she always made a point of calling me a sister, so I’m a bit taken aback). You can only be as close to people as they’ll let you be, no matter how different you might want it to be.

But I think it’s also important to note that when you’re with a significant other, it’s up to you to show them whether your family is important or not. Otherwise, who can blame the S.O. for not visiting, calling, etc.? It’s not her responsibility to make these gestures if my brother doesn’t make it clear that his family is\isn’t important to him. I think that ultimately, this result might fall on him and that there’s no right or wrong decision, I guess.

Anyways, I suspect these types of things will grow to include the wedding day itself, their children, and other major life events. It makes me sad, but if they want to include me they will. If not, they won’t.

Anyways, rant over. Sorry, guys!

I listened to the I’ll Be Gone in the Dark audiobook and was completely consumed by it. I found myself driving aimlessly just to keep listening. I loved it. BUT, I found I could not listen to it after work at all. Once it got dark, it freaked me out so much!! I live alone and I swear I was up for three straight nights so terrified the EARONS was going to show up in my house or call me asking if I wanted to “play”. Very rational since he was active a good 30 years before I was born…absolutely fantastic, but listener/reader beware!

I’m a therapist at a treatment center for co-occurring substance use/mental health disorders + trauma, and we have a less-formal version of “core hours” that I love. Most therapists are on-site between 9-12 for primary group programming, and then we have flexibility to schedule our individual sessions throughout the day as we see fit (some people come in super early, others stack them over just a couple of days so as to have the other weekdays more free, etc). Aside from our sessions and clinical meetings, we can do our documentation, emailing, phone calls etc on-site or off-site. There’s a huge emphasis on self-care, holistic health, and taking time away from work among employees- we really do try to practice what we preach, cause ya can’t pour from an empty cup.

I have noticed the maternal grandparent advantage and it makes me a bit sad. I have two boys and a girl and have often wondered if I will “lose” my sons when they marry and have children. I hope I will be able to have a close relationship with my future daughters-in-law.
I find it really strange reading and hearing women complain about their mother-in-laws, as if the bad relationship between them is all down to the MIL. These women will also be someone’s mother-in-law some day and I wonder how they will view their relationship with their son-/daughter-in-law from the other side.

I really enjoyed reading through the comments following the NYT article about maternal grandparents, and feel inclined to chime in.

I am the middle daughter, with two brothers. My husband and I live across the country from both sets of our parents, and we have no children, nor do we plan on having any. My two brothers both live in my hometown, close to my parents, and their children are VERY close with my parents, despite my parents being the in-laws. The maternal grandparents live hours away, and just simply aren’t around as much. Similarly, my brothers are both much closer to my parents than I am.

My mother-in-law is another story. She tried SO HARD to be close to me and my brother-in-law’s wife as well, and neither of us really want it. She wants to have a grandchild so badly, but she’s not going to get it from either of us. She is so well-meaning, but she drives us both bonkers. She’s just a bad traveler, picky eater, and a little high-maintenance. It doesn’t make for fun visits.

Anyway – point being – you never know what you’re going to get. My mom is super-close with my brother’s kids, and not close with me, but then again – I’m not close with my MIL either, and I’m happy with the whole set up. Everyone is satisfied, except for my MIL, who is quite vocal about it! ?

To all of the people who want daughters, I have one son and one daughter. I love my daughter, and wouldn’t change her, but she has been adamant since the age of 6 that she won’t have children (she’s 23 now). Having a daughter doesn’t guarantee prom dresses, weddings, or grandchildren, so be careful about your expectations lest you be terribly disappointed at some point in the future. I’m glad that I am close to my son, and I have treated each of his girlfriends as if they might be my future daughter-in-law with whom I want a close relationship. I’m trying to cover the bases without having expectations about things outside of my control.

Was psyched to see a coupon code for Dermstore and tried to buy some Good Genes for my mom but Sunday Riley is a restricted brand :(

‘The Walkie Talkies’!! Dying with laughter. Definitely retirement goals :)

Loved “Ill be gone in the dark” – listened to the audio book, which I can only recommend. It’s haunting and I also found it very sad – such a brilliant writer, and she didn’t get to finish her book and see it published.

Also liked the article about being “unapologetic Muslim” a lot, as I’ve been living in a Muslim country (quite liberal though – United Arab Emirates) for more than 10 years and find it astonishing how open and welcoming Muslim Arabs here are to people of other religions and cultures.

I think (and hope.. as the mother of a son) that whether a grandparent is close to their grandchild is due more to personality of the grandparent and how they treat their child and his spouse/partner than whether they are on the mother or father’s side. My mil is extremely difficult for both me and my husband to relate to. She is moody, narcisstic, demanding, and rarely thinks she is wrong and for that reason we are reluctant to contact her about our son (although my husband tries to still include her). My father in law is gentle and kind though and so we are more desiring contact with him. With my parents it is sort of flipped where my mom is gentle and more respectful and kind so due to that we are eager to have her be more involved in my son’s life and my dad (although I love him) is the opposite so I am a little more reluctant to have him around. The good thing about this I realize is that how I act as a grandparent/MIL one day is able to be changed and hopefully I will be respectful (maybe I will have to try harder tho?) and that will lead to any future DIL and grandkids (if any) wanting to be around me. I do worry though, and I am realizing from hearing from others that that’s common (whew!), but seeing real life examples around me of respectful paternal grandparents gives me hope, when I can remember. :)

Re: maternal grandparent advantage. Meh. If my mother in law don’t care about me (and barely for her son) in the ten years before a child entered our world why should the onus be on me to facilitate a relationship between my daughter and her? On the other hand my parents have been active cheerleaders ofmy relationship with my husband, both of our careers, and our early years of parenthood. MIL seems to expect to show up when and however she wishes and have an instant bond with all of us. Whatever.

I was ripped off to I’ll Be Gone through My Favorite Murder Podcast and it so good! Michelle Mcnamara was an amazing author!

The article about maternal grandparents is so interesting. I’d love to read interviews between hormonious mom/daughter-in-law duos and get both their insight as to why their relationship works well. My friends and I have talked about this a good bit as we have mostly sons and someday want to be good mother-in-laws. Our common experience is that the best relationships come when the in-laws hold their opinions and advice to themselves unless directly asked. Over time this builds trust in the younger generation that they aren’t being judged/bossed around and can trust the love and input from their in-laws. But I’m in the younger generation and have a long time before I experience being a mother-in-law and I imagine that comes with it’s own difficulties. I’d love to hear that perspective. I actually really love my mother-in-law and want her to spend more time with my son but I really don’t like to be around my father-in-law. He thinks it’s his right to “tell it like it is” and he certainly has a lot of opinions to give.

Thank you for the maternal grandparent advantage article! I’m pregnant with our first, a girl, and only have a sister who has two daughters. I’m extremely close to my mom and sister, but close to my MIL as well. While I think both grandmothers will be involved in our baby’s life, I’m trying to be more mindful about asking my MIL for advice and input so she can feel like she’s part of the experience too! I noticed the same thing with wedding planning- that the mother of the bride gets to take part in so much more than the mother of the groom. Thanks for the reminder that I need to make sure my husband and I include her as much as I know she wants to be!

Yeah, I need to bring my own prunes :)
Nothing worse then closing up shop on a vacation when all you are pretty much doing is going from one fancy meal out to the next, even worse if there is a bikini involved. Last mini vacation I made a list for my bf of all the things I had eaten that were still inside, it was shocking. Sorry for over sharing..

Now I’m wondering if my terrific relationship with my paternal grandparents was because my mom actually knew my grandmother before she knew my dad….Grammy set them up! ?

An Armenian friend of mine who is a single mom once told me mournfully that she didn’t want a husband, just a mother-in-law. I laughed and told her that idea was so UN-American! Apparently, in some other cultures women love getting help from their mother-in-laws. What’s our problem here in the US?!

Omg they used to sell (maybe they still do?) frozen versions of those French bread pizzas in Germany in the 90s (I think they were called Bistro Baguette). They were basically my favourite food. Completely forgot about them! Thanks for the flashback/food inspiration for my weekend :-)

I can’t wait to read that Lena Waithe article! I was lucky to go to a luncheon today with Jacqueline Woodson, who interviewed her and wrote the story. I’m flying home tomorrow from my first solo trip since my daughter was born, and I’m already looking forward to reading that story and snacking on swedish fish on the plane!

My mil is so difficult. I try to have a positive relationship with her, and she’s nice enough to me. She gives my husband a really hard time, though. She’s dramatic and sulky and constantly demands to know why he likes my family more than her and her husband. He called her a few weeks ago because 2 of his friends died in a span of 2 weeks and she ended up berating him for not calling her enough. It’s exhausting. When we do have kids I’m sure we’ll limit their contact with her and her husband because they are so difficult and negative.

Hi Emma, I have two little boys, ages 2 and 4, and am not planning on more children. There are times when I worry about missing the experiences of buying a daughter her prom dress or going for pedicures. But then I look at my darling boys, the lights of my life, who rejoice when I change my toenail polish, and who have opened me up to a whole world of experiences (demolition derby! ninja spin moves! Legos!). They are SO much more than enough, and I wouldn’t change a thing. Wishing you all the best with your soon-to-be baby boy.

I am intensely jealous of people who can utilize core business hours, who can work from home, etc. I have picked the wrong career field haha.