Four Great Things

This brought me to tears. Thank you for sharing.

Thanks for sharing that Laura! I didn’t realize how much I was adjusting my life every single day until I read that quote.

No, thank YOU, Courtney.
And Meltown I have the same thoughts when it’s cold outside :(

And someone proposed during a debate, I think!

Yes! Well said. I was heartsick when Trump was elected because I thought it was the end of all the progress we’ve made in this country in my lifetime (I’m 50). I’m so glad to see this culture of harassment beginning to crumble, even if liberals seem to be the only ones willing to acknowledge and accept responsibility for their actions.

Ah man… I’ve got a 9 month old, and I feel so much pressure to work against all what he will be surrounded by. Maybe things will be different by the time he’s 13, but I’m sure it’ll still be a very steep uphill. Really makes me think about how I want him to see me respond to all of those tiny little interactions I brush off in day-to-day life as a woman. Most of the struggle there is being aware I’m doing it, and the other is balancing safety and then explaining why I just put up with it? Ugh.

I’ve had several conversations with my husband about all of this, which made him ask why I don’t just shut guys down in those situations, and I’m just like “I do. … Except when I can’t because you have to go by that feeling in your gut about whether it’s safer to ignore it, or because I just can’t waste half my effing day telling every other guy I cross paths with what they’re doing wrong, or because they’re friends or family and that’s how it’s always been so I look like a prude for mentioning anything.” Though that last one has definitely changed as I’ve gotten older!

Oh man, this hit home for me. My husband says the same thing…that basically he’s worried about women using this power that they have, that anyone will believe them (which is funny because as we’ve seen, people normally don’t believe them). And some of the stories he’s told me are really disturbing, the kind of Lifetime movie stuff I assume doesn’t really happen on the regular. He’s known two men to be falsely accused of rape, in incidences where the women admitted later it was made up.

I guess to me they seem like such rarities in a sea of constant. Women are constantly harassed and assault happens all the time. I’m not sure what to do with the every once in a while. I think that this defensiveness I hear popping up from men is partially shock that it really does happen this often. Because I hear it coming from guys I would normally consider allies.

In the midst of all of this, my husband texted me in the middle of the day to tell me about some sexist behavior coming from a co-worker. The guy messages him about the “hot pizza girl”, has made disparaging comments about one of the only women on his team. And even working in tech, he just felt shocked and stunned that it was happening. He ended up talking to HR and his manager about it.

I feel like everyone (including myself) has had blinders on to HOW BAD it’s been. Hell, we joke about this stuff on TV and movies. Once you start seeing it for what it really is, there’s nothing funny about it and it’s everywhere. I’m hoping that the defensiveness wears away, actually I know it will. No one likes feeling lumped in, and honestly most people do think of themselves first.

Also: Whenever I get defensive, that’s always when, deep down, I know I’m wrong. As an adult, I’ve finally gotten better about noticing this trend. But every single time I get defensive about a subject, I have to dig really deep to see the truth.

Thanks for all who responded below. I’m going to pick up Bear Town to read.
I’m going to continue talking to my husband and son…they don’t always want to hear what I’m saying because it makes them uncomfortable, but it’s an important discussion to continue.

Joanna, this comment touches upon something I’d love for you to explore: How we, as women who’ve had to shrug off (or otherwise normalize) so much inappropriate male behavior, can “be the change” in how we mother our sons. #MeToo is such an exciting time, but the path forward to teach my sweet boy about how to be a man in the world feels fraught. Do you wait ’til they’re older and tell them everything that’s happened to you, all the little slights and big traumas? Does one risk demonizing the gender and making a son feel like he’s already disappointed you just by being a boy? For now, I’m going with the angle that he and the future are both clean slates, and he can be the change too. But it’s hard!

Personally I love the cover and also love Taylor on it.

“Thirties”

I’m not really a fan of Taylor’s public persona, but I think her lawsuit was actually really important, and a wonderful use of her privilege and platform.

Completely agree Elizabeth.

God Em this is such a good question. My boyfriend is a very respectful to me and I would categorize him as a feminist. However I often feel like he just doesn’t GET it.

Isn’t that so funny? Many people in my community are repulsed by the word “feminist.” I’d love some resources for how to bridge that gap with people.

Some people don’t like to have their thoughts, actions, beliefs and feelings simplified by someone else into a label, or join movements for that matter.

For example, how would you feel if someone told you that you belonged to a certain religion because some of your morals were shared by that religion? E.G. “That was so Christian of you to donate that food to the shelter!”

They would rather just live according to their own moral compass- quietly making change in their corner of the world. I think we need a bit of both types, right?

Does he tell you not to call yourself a feminist? If he respects your right to identify as a member of whichever group or movement you want, you might also respect his right to refrain from identifying as a member of a group or movement.

If it really bothers you, I would treat him as an equal and come to him ready to first share your thoughts (“That bothered me when you said that.”). BUT then to ask him questions with a truly open mind ready to listen to him. Talk to him from a place of interest and respect, rather than a place of assumed superiority where you want to “educate him”. Good luck, he sounds like a great guy.

I thought this was pretty good.
http://feministing.com/2013/08/02/how-to-talk-to-your-boyfriend-about-feminism/

Though personally I’d probably just say “do you believe that women and men are equal and should be treated equally? Yes? Then sorry, babe, you’re a feminist.” But I’ll be the first to admit that this *may* not be the best advice and perhaps there’s a reason I’m single ?

Em, start by listening to Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie’s “We Should All Be Feminists” TED talk!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hg3umXU_qWc

This is a great question. May I offer another view? In my experience, while some great men call themselves feminists, many not-so-great men also call themselves feminists; but when push comes to shove these so-called feminists are no where to be found. I’d encourage us to be less distracted by the need to label everyone a feminist, as well as worry less about feminism being a dirty word. From your comment, it sounds like your boyfriend gets it just fine. Whether he wants to call himself a feminist or not, he’s doing the most important thing already: listening and acknowledging. Enjoy!

I agree with Simone – actions and real-life attitude/behaviours are so much more important than labels. Labels can be a cheap cover up. Or just so confused depending on your sources/influences. But if a person is behaving with valuable intentions and being good and kind to people, then that’s the crucial thing. Maybe try telling him the reasons you view him as a feminist are the good positive things you already see in him and respect in him. Then perhaps it’ll shift his perspective on the definition of feminism.

I have asked two male family members to read We Should All Be Feminists by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie and it has gone over really well! The book is very short (so not too big a request), and brilliantly clear and direct. We have had some very good discussions from the book. The work feminist has so much baggage and history hanging off of it. The book helped me explain what I mean by the word to some men that I love. Good luck!

I really appreciated Aziz Ansari’s quote from an appearance on the Late Show: “If you believe that men and women have equal rights, if someone asks if you’re feminist, you have to say yes because that is how words work,” he said. “You can’t be like, ‘Oh yeah, I’m a doctor that primarily does diseases of the skin.’ Oh, so you’re a dermatologist? ‘Oh no, that’s way too aggressive of a word! No no not at all not at all.'”

My (male) partner, who I would describe as an objective feminist, works in a predominantly female field and has exclusively female mentors balked at the word “feminist” too. When I realized he struggled with the word “feminism” and obviously not its meaning, I made it my mission to explain it to him in any way so that he would understand that he should be loudly and proudly identifying as a feminist.

Like Lauren suggested, Aziz Ansari’s quotes on feminism distill it down to the basics, and with humor! I ALWAYS quote him when people say “I am not a feminist”.

I started with “what does the word ‘feminism’ mean to you” and then followed with Aziz Ansari’s quote.

Thanks for such thoughtful feedback and commentary, everyone! To Simone and Michelle – thank you for providing a different perspective, too! I wouldn’t want a label slapped on me, so maybe my question is better reworded as “What can I research to inform my own feminism beyond anecodotal experience, so I can in turn be a resource and example to those around me.” Thank you all for the wonderful food for thought, and reading/listening material!