The Key to a Good Marriage

I love this article. My fiancé and I try SO hard to find small things to thank one another for. If I do the grocery shopping or he walk the dogs, we ALWAYS make it a point to say thank you about it.
To me, being grateful to one another is definitely glue to any relationship.
I believe it makes things much easier. Imagine coming home from a hard day, and you significant other giving you a simple thank you for cleaning out the coffee pot before you left the house? :)

Marriage can be a very difficult transition for many. I really like the advice that you gave though. Something that really stuck out to me, was that you mentioned to make sure to be honest. That is something that really seems simple but can be overlooked. Thank you for taking the time to share.
http://valuethevows.com/build-relationship

Beautifully kind article xoxo

Whoa! I just happened to be reading Gottman’s “Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” right now! He really puts it into perspective, that 60% of happily married couples have conflicts that are unresolvable (perpetual). It’s how you work with these conflicts, move around them, and diffuse through them with small daily gestures of mutual respect, kindness, and admiration that keep those unalterable conflicts from overburdening your relationship.

Glad to see Gottman is getting some attention! More people need to know that making a marriage work is not how you deal with conflict, but how your friendship overrides the conflict you do have.

The Shaded Acorn

This is so great in theory, but can be difficult in practice. I recently found myself falling into the critical rut with my husband. So, I downloaded an app called “one day” on my iPhone and started inputting everything he did and tagging it as good or bad. For example, asking me how my day was or making me a cup of tea would be good things. Bad may be late for dinner. Within a week, I realized I had 52 good things and only 5 bad ones! This practice made me so appreciative of him and in the end found I wasn’t even upset about the bad things. Notice what you notice!

I think the idea of working on kindness and compassion, rather than just assuming some people have these qualities or not, is very important. This article discusses the idea of noticing and responding to your partner’s “bids” for attention–responding to their little gestures or comments rather than ignoring or dismissing them–as a predictor of whether a relationship will last, which is very interesting, too.

I can be so critical of my husband, and it’s something that upsets me constantly. I try often to focus more on all of the amazing things he does every day, but it’s not my nature, and it’s something I need to be reminded to work on constantly because he really is amazing and so hard working.

It’s so interesting to read this, and so true I think. I love the idea of people being so in love they continue to see each other in that light.

I’ve got a recipe to a good marriage shared in one of my posts:

250g love
250g humour
250g sexual attraction
500ml admiration and respect for
one another
500g intellectual parity
1 small pinch of in-laws, unless
to your taste, in which case add
more
1 reasonable budget
A generous dash of team work
4 tsp. readiness to admit fault
250g quick and easy apology
250g each confidence and encouragement
1 large or several small interests or hobbies in common
250g delight in each other
Separate bathrooms (budget permitting)

Sift all ingredients and remove any lumps of jealousy, accounting of wrongs, grudge bearing, point scoring, temper or accusation. Stir in frequent portions of healthy and satisfying marital sex. Pour into generous servings of love and bake over many years in the steady warmth of affection, mutual respect and desire.

I loved this article. Have you read the “15 second kiss” a day that will give you a better marriage. It’s really great! here is the link
http://www.inallofhersplendor.com/2014/06/27/links-i-l-o-v-e/

I studied one of his books in college, and loved his thoughts on marriage. He also said that if a couple can talk about their early days of dating with fondness they are more likely to work through problems than couples who can’t. Always thought that was interesting!

nice interesting article…makes lots of sense! thanks for sharing!

What a thoughtful piece! I try and say thank you to my partner daily especially for the small things like taking the garbage out before its over flowing. Another thing I read that we now practice is a 10 second hug a day. It helps stimulate dopamin in the brain and makes you feel happier and more connected. Try it!

xo Donna
http://www.soyouagree.com

I just read the whole article. So interesting. The big take away for me was that intent was good no matter how poorly executed.

I highly recommend reading his book Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. It’s a great read, whether you’re in a happy place or not. My husband and I read it during a hard time. We’re through it now, but we still pick it up and do the exercises on occasion just because they can be fun.

This is so true! I think never forgetting to say “Thank you” is in the same spirit. I have also read that happy couples rate physical contact (hugging, kissing, cuddling, etc) higher than sex, which I thought was super interesting. Thanks so much for sharing!

This is interesting and seems almost too simple. Sometimes I think my husband might find it a little korny, but I do thank him for even the smallest things, so he knows that they haven’t gone unnoticed or unappreciated. But I agree with Lauren Knight, I feel terribly uncomfortable with couples who correct each other, interrupt each other, and pick at each other, or sometimes just outright criticize each other, in front of other people.

I’m going to try this. I wish there was a little more HOW in it though haha sometimes the mind is just trained to be a jerk!

Dakota

I’ve been married for 6 years. We’ve quickly learned that vulnerable communication between the two of us makes things run so much smoother. When I really hear his heart and understand the why behind him, it helps me partner with him in everything we do, instead of working against one another. Thanks for this post!

http://hercitytales.wordpress.com

Funny, it seems so simple and logical but it’s definitely something to work on!

-Emily | emilyorzel.com/blog

A very thoughtful and thought provoking article.. I have been married twice and both for over 24 years.. In my first marriage I tried to see the best of everything and everyone and it worked to make a marriage last as long as it did producing five wonderful children… in my second marriage, being in an adult relationship without producing our own children, we had to cope with living and learning how to manage a relationship and it was hard… but trying to see the best, thanking and being thoughtful, really went a very long way to us being together 24 years later** Life is as hard or as happy as you decide.. even with problems, if you are both facing the facts together, it makes it easier to deal with.. keep a happy smile and a heartfelt look when you say thank you and the whole day lightens up… I think that this goes a long way to making a happy marriage… and also in a long relationship there are ups and downs, but always the downs are followed by the ups.. you just have to hang on in there until they appear again!!

So true! My husband and I try to out love each other every day. We say thank you so much that I’m sure we make people roll their eyes, but I don’t care at all. We are each other’s biggest fans, and home should always feel safe and full of support.
My MIL was recently in town. She’s been married (and divorced) 5 times now, and she was saying to my husband that she doesn’t think she’ll ever find what we have. I think the main reason is that she’s so critical and passive aggressive, and that’s going to kill any relationship. It puts a huge strain on her relationships with her children too. It’s so hard to see someone you care about consistently choose to sabotage their relationships.

It sounds so simple, and yet we all find it complicated to put it in practice… But it’s nice to have a reminder on what we should do from time to time. This is the reason why I love going to wedding and the part where , here in Romania, they tell us at the city hall, what marriage is about….

Here is another interesting read about marriage/couples from Alain de Botton, via my place
http://joyacoustics.blogspot.co.uk/2013/01/the-last-great-tabu.html

I read this last week, too! And I agree with other commenters on applying it to all relationships in your life. My parents are often really negative when I give them good news, predicting all the ways it could go wrong. They’ve always tried to prepare me for reality but I ended up, instead, with a significant other who is truly happy for me when I share good news with him and it makes me feel a million times better about my accomplishments. It reminds me to also act that way about the good news others share with me.

Thank you for sharing this. It was very relevant to some realizations I’ve been having lately. I have a fierce inner critic and that voice tends to pick at my partner as well. I am starting to realize that I need to work on silencing the voice for both of our sakes.

Also, I have always believed that if you were upset about something and you vented to friends – then you would release some of your frustration and be able to move on from it easier. But I am slowly realizing that focusing on it so much and giving voice to it, actually only allows that resentment to grow and take over your perspective. This was so spot on – I need to grow my kindness, not my nit-picking and negativity.

Oh my goodness, my husband and I came across this article last week and it spurred such a lovely conversation for us. It’s now printed and in my sock drawer to serve as an occasional reminder.

This article really struck a chord with me, too. The Gottmans manage to put these kind of “intangible” relationship issues into words, which I so appreciate.

When I’ve found myself focusing on the negatives in relationships, I’ve wondered why they are so amplified in my mind? So, I’ve mentally tried to divide the negatives by 3 and multiply the positives by 5. :)

Though of course, you also have to look out for yourself in some ways, which can be hard to do when you really want a relationship to work.

That’s excellent. At our wedding, our pastor’s homily centered on the command in Colossians to “bear with one another… and above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.” I’ve thought of it often when my husband is making me angry: I can choose to bear with him in love (which is different from bearing with him grudgingly!) instead of choosing to be bitter, which is so destructive. And he does the same for me. That is probably one of the reasons that we trust one another so much: our marriage really is a “soft place to fall.”

We all make many mistakes and it is precious to have a spouse willing to overlook, forgive, and think the best of us. Love doesn’t have to be blind (I mean, if there is a serious problem we will do something about it!!) but so many of the offenses in everyday life can be forgotten if we choose to overlook them and build each other up instead.

So, so true. You and your partner are on the same team. I think of my marriage, my family, as a company. And I believe in our company! And I am a cheerleader, both inwardly and outwardly, of our “employees”.

Thank you for sharing such a great article! My husband and I just celebrated our one-year anniversary yesterday and this is quite timely for us. We try to actively practice kindness and generosity on a regular basis and I think it’s so important to “turn toward” your partner in acknowledgement and encouragement. Love this series!

Really this is the key to life seeing the positive, remembering what to be thankful for making it a point to be happy. Its not always easy but I feel like good always comes to me both personally and in all my relationships when I have a positive attitude!

Being kind to each other is a piece of advice I always give to friends that are getting married. I also like to tell them to always remember what brought them together in the first place. Life can become blurred and stressful and hairy and it’s so important to remember all the good in your partner rather than pick them apart for everyday stresses.

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Great post! My grandfather always said to put the rose-colored glasses on AFTER you get married. I completely agree!

such a good point, sarah michelle!!