Toby Nostalgia

Someone told me that the more kids you have your love doesn’t divide, it multiplies. They were right! I have three kids now and there is so much more love to go around:).

We also got Ivan a little gift and said that it was from his little brother Emerson. We gave it to Ivan when he came to meet him at the hospital. To this day he asks for the “toy that Emerson got him”

I had my son when I was really, really young. I wen through undergrad with him, and he was 5 when I had baby number two (now in grad school. Oh yeah, I can plan ’em.) Now, “Dandelion is 2.5 years and SONshine is almost 8, and I still feel that way. Going from 1 to 2 is hard, I think, because you don’t want to lose the connection with the older babe, but you’re so eager for the new babe. So here’s my advice: Enjoy these last days as a one child family. Kiss Toby every single day for you AND for him, give him a gift From the new babe (we did ours in the hospital) so he understands everyone is part of this family, and don’t forget that you’re a good momma. Not exactly cutting edge advice, but motherhood isn’t black-and-white. Break a leg!

Oh man…you are taking me back. I totally remember. Totally. Then…baby number two. And your heart explodes.

When my husband was born, he was the second child in the family, and his mother was worried about his older sister Kim feeling left out or forgotten, but their Grandma knew just what to do. As soon as Grandma arrived at the hospital, she walked into the room and went straight to Kim with a gift. She spent a good twenty minutes or so chatting with Kim and asking her how she was doing before she went to see her new grandson. You will certainly have your hands full, but you can always ask your friends and family members to try to think of ways to make Toby feel important and a part of all of the excitement when they come to visit.

Also, Toby will suddenly look like a GIANT compared to your newborn, but remembering he’s still almost a baby himself is good too.

Very normal. And might get a little worse in those hormone-fueled days after baby comes (I have a one-month-old and a 2.5-year-old). We’ve had some rough moments and I have definitely shed some tears worrying about how my girl is doing, but there have been beautiful moments too – like yesterday, when he smiled at her for the first time, and when she asks to hold him, or tells us she loves him (melt). My advice would be to continue to seek out those little moments. Be the one to put him to bed when you can. Snuggle or play a special game while baby snoozes. You’ll all be fine!

The miracle is how much siblings love each other. What a gift to watch cute Toby fall in love with his new baby. Woe to anyone who tries to get between those two. :)

I actually felt bad for my youngest when I was pregnant with him because I couldn’t imagine loving anyone more than his older sister (2 1/2 years difference). Of course I had enough love in my heart for both of them. There was plenty of jealousy but it all works its way out. They’re now 23 and 25 and the best of friends. And I’m still so in love with both of them that I still get emotional thinking about them!

Joanna, do not worry. nature made us with the biggest heart… you´ll know and feel how to.
<hel will surely share love for the new baby and it will be one more bond. I had the same thouhts… trust nature.

As soon as your second comes along, you will realize that your heart is shared among 2 children… it grows bigger !
You are already realizing it, your second is present already.

There will be many violent emotions for Toby. Indeed you will have to be aware of those creeping into his heart.

Tips I had:
Do not welcome Toby in your clinic room with the baby on your breast in PJs lying in bed. Make yourself pretty for him. Be sitting or standing with a healthy smile on the opposite side of the room from the baby. Let Toby come in and have him present himself to the baby, physically. For the first few moments, keep Toby in the middle of you and the baby.

Frame a nice picture of you and Toby. Set it on the night table of the clinic room. When Toby comes in, show him the frame and explain that you can see him while you are at the clinic.

Rest, rest, rest at the clinic. Bond with your baby while Toby is not there. And talk to your baby: your baby is lucky to have 3 people in its immediate family.

Once at home, you will realize that the baby is used to loud noises and probably will sleep through alot.

Be firm with Toby when he might want to be “violent” with baby. Be sure to tell him that you are the baby’s mother, that your very first mission is to protect the baby just as much as your first mission is to protect Toby. He is not allowed to put you in a position of choosing one over the other. He will understand.

As soon as your second comes along, you will realize that your heart is shared among 2 children… it grows bigger !
You are already realizing it, your second is present already.

There will be many violent emotions for Toby. Indeed you will have to be aware of those creeping into his heart.

Tips I had:
Do not welcome Toby in your clinic room with the baby on your breast in PJs lying in bed. Make yourself pretty for him. Be sitting or standing with a healthy smile on the opposite side of the room from the baby. Let Toby come in and have him present himself to the baby, physically. For the first few moments, keep Toby in the middle of you and the baby.

Frame a nice picture of you and Toby. Set it on the night table of the clinic room. When Toby comes in, show him the frame and explain that you can see him while you are at the clinic.

Rest, rest, rest at the clinic. Bond with your baby while Toby is not there. And talk to your baby: your baby is lucky to have 3 people in its immediate family.

Once at home, you will realize that the baby is used to loud noises and probably will sleep through alot.

Be firm with Toby when he might want to be “violent” with baby. Be sure to tell him that you are the baby’s mother, that your very first mission is to protect the baby just as much as your first mission is to protect Toby. He is not allowed to put you in a position of choosing one over the other. He will understand.

My Dad told me that before my brother was born, 19 months after me, he worried that he would have to share the love he had for me. Of course that’s not how love works – he found even more. There will be more than enough to go around. My Mum says she really made the most of nap times, and always felt that I, as the older sibling, got the better deal in this regard because we still had our one-on-one time to paint or play whilst he slept, whereas my brother had to wait for me to go to nursery before he got time alone with a parent. Try not to worry at all, you’ll all be fine :) Good luck, love the blog! C

Oh my gosh! Just reading this made me burst into tears. I know exactly what you mean about being ‘in love’ with your son. I, too, am completely head over heels for my little boy. I never imagined such a love existed. And until it happens to you, you have no idea what it’s like. Even though Henry’s only 3 month’s old, I’ve been flirting with the idea of having a second sometime soon-ish. While I’m excited about the thought, I also feel guilty that I’d be taking time away from Henry. And he so deserves to be the center of our little world right now. We shall see!

Maria xx
http://www.cheekypinktulip.blogspot.com

Remember that you are giving him the gift of a sibling and friend, who will give him love too. So he will have someone to love and dote on and receive love from.
There will be moments of fighting and comparison but this new baby isn’t taking anything from Toby, Baby is a gift to Toby.

I had a boy first, and I completely relate to what you’re saying.On pictures, I can see the love oozing out when I looked at hime.
He was 3 years and 2 months old when his sister was born.
The good thing is that he already had “his life”, go to preK, he was very verbal and articulate, so I could talk honestly to him and that really helped. The jealous one turned out to be our 2nd child, I guess she felt excluded of our special bond that is still going on today, now that Vic is 11.
It took me much longer to really bond with my daughter, but now, I’m happy to say that I have 2 very different and special connectins with each of my children; and it also helped that babies sleep a lot (my daughter used to sleep 14 hours at night, from the time she was 2 months old!)
Anyway, you’ll figure it out, and I’m sure with Alex’s help, you’ll find ways to spend time with Toby only.
I can’t wait to see what name you chose!!
And thank you again for such an honest post!

WOW! Lots of advice, maybe someones already said this…With my second and third, I made sure to tell the baby (loud enough for all to hear) when it was my older daughter(s) turn for a story/snuggle/whatever. This makes them feel important and understand sometimes you have to say it’s the baby’s turn.

My sons are now 26 and 22 and I recall the same feeling as we prepared for the birth of our second child. I hope I get this right…
Someone suggested that it was like lighting candles…the first child or candle is fully lit with light and love. When the second child arrives he or she too is fully aglow, a full flame of love and light.
I find (as an early educator and as a parent) that our love doubles quickly and that the first born child is energized by that love. Perhaps he even sees in this experience a mirror of what it was like for him as a newborn/infant and is even more confident about his place in relationship with his mother and in the family.
Thoughts…

Just think about how the love you have for Toby is going to spill out of him and onto this new little one. It happens. It may take some adjusting for him at first but, you are giving him an amazing gift in a sibling.

Jo I was induced so I was in the hospital by myself the night before Pierce was born. I wrote a letter to then (not even) 18-month-old Caroline and was SOBBING about what a baby she was and how her little life was going to change and she didn’t even know it…fast forward to tonight driving home from a 2-week vacay with the two of them in the car making each other giggle hysterically…totally great. You’re always going to be emotional and nostalgic for the alone time and the baby years, but I guess it’s what life is about…

Toby is a doll. I had 3 kids in 5 years. They all just fell into the mix and were fine. Toby will love the new baby, if not right away, then soon. It isn’t that hard for kids to adapt. Good luck.

sorry I mean “he will learn so much from the whole experience…” I don’t know why but when I think of your next one I think of “she” lol.

I have 4 kids who, I think, transitioned well with the new babies. That means we had bumps and hiccups but all made it through fairly unscathed:) Keep what you can of Toby’s routine. Do the bedtime routine (does it really matter if one or the other stays up a few minutes longer while the other goes down?). Include him in feeding the baby, great time for him to “read” books to you and the baby. Or color pictures to show you both. And mostly forget napping when the baby is, it’s the perfect time for one on one time with Toby. Make a big deal out of his big-brother-ness, bring him into the club of those trusted to “care” for the baby. Also I liked what another commenter said about having the baby be the one that waits sometimes. And say it aloud. “Hang on, Baby, Momma needs to help Toby for a minute…”

First of all I’d like to say good luck with everything!! Enjoy the one on one time with Toby because before you know it they’ll be best friends and ganging up on you… ;)

I completely understand your emotional struggle at the moment because I felt the same. So much so that I wrote Georgia a letter that I’d like to share with you. As it turns out I had nothing to worry about as she was amazing and still is, but I have already read this to her in moments where I feel like I’m struggling to give her the attention she needs/deserves or I’m a grumpier mummy than I’d like to be. I love to read it and she loves to listen to it and it’s always a quiet loving moment between us and only us.

You will love both of your children just as much but differently. Toby will become HUGE overnight (trust me) and your heart will expand to accommodate them both.

Anyway, enough rambling! Here goes… please keep in mind that I’m not a writer and I was heavily pregnant with twins, sleep deprived and very emotional :)

My Beautiful Georgia,

It’s 4:20am, Thursday 21st January 2010 and your baby sisters are due to be born in less than 5 hours. You are asleep in bed with daddy and as I cannot stop my restless mind, decided to write you this letter to tell you how much I love you and how I’m feeling about the tremendous changes about to happen to our family.

You are 2 days off being 3 years and 4 months and what a big girl you are! The impending arrival of your baby sisters has had you excited for months now and I just know that you’re going to be a wonderful big sister!

I am however terrified of how things are going to change when we go from 3 to 5… I love you so much baby girl and although I know the only way that can change is to grow deeper, I’m scared.

I’m scared that I will fail to show you and tell you as much when there are two more little people to think about.

I’m scared that going from having us all to yourself your whole life, to having to share our time and affection will impact you greatly.

I’m scared that you won’t think you’re my baby anymore and I don’t ever want you to stop thinking that – “even when you’re 30” as your Meme used to say to me as a little girl… You will ALWAYS be my baby.

I don’t ever want our bond and relationship to change Georgia.

I will try to make as much of an effort to see you, hear you and enjoy you as I do now. I love you so much bub and I wanted to put it on paper for you so you never forget.

I just know that you’re going to enjoy your new role in the house, even if you’re not too sure in the beginning. You are such a kind, gentle, loving soul and these two baby girls are very very lucky!

You make me so proud “big sister”.

All my love,

Mummy xoxo

This really resonates with me, as I welcomed my second daughter just 10 weeks ago. Weeks before her birth I was fretting about my relationship with my first. Would she feel forgotten? Would she resent me for having another child? I would tear up every bedtime as I had to say goodnight, not knowing if I’d go into labour that night and our relationship would change forever. Well number two did arrive, and she has absolutely changed all of our lives. It’s like she has always been with us. Love is an amazing thing. Our hearts have just grown bigger. In continuing to nurture my love affair with my firstborn, I’m making lots of time for dates to the park, coffee shop, museum etc. At times I also make the baby wait her turn, so my toddler can see that I try and be as fair as possible. Right now, very little has changed. We try and maintain all of our usual routines, with just another gorgeous girl thrown into the mix. Best wishes xxx