Kristen Wiig

Kristen Wiig

Mine was a doozy…

It was a beautiful fall day, and a new kid in Anton’s class was coming over to our house. We were excited to welcome him to the neighborhood, and we set out bowls of potato chips and pistachios and cornichons. When he arrived with his parents — a lovely couple who had just moved from England to New York — we poured glasses of apple juice and fizzy water. Everything was going smoothly.

“Can we play with Legos?” Anton asked, his friend nodding behind him.

“Sure,” I said, “We just need to get the bins from my bedroom — do you guys want the tour?”

So, the new kid, his parents, Anton and I headed downstairs to my bedroom to find the Legos. While walking down the hallway, I waved around our apartment — “here’s Toby’s room,” “here’s Anton’s” — and then we got to mine.

The only weird part? A sawing noise was echoing around the room. We stood in the room, each silently wondering where it was coming from.

“Mom, what’s that sound?” Anton asked directly, as children often do.

“I’m not sure,” I said, “Maybe the construction across the street? Or someone doing some gardening?” I smiled at the group, sure it could be easily explained. I mean, it’s New York City! It’s loud!

While the boys and parents spotted the Lego bins, I stepped to the window to investigate. And suddenly, with a stomach drop, I realized.




The vibrator must have flipped on — maybe I’d jostled the drawer earlier when I was tidying up? Now the sex toy was fully raring to go, bopping around in the wooden drawer, the noise growing exponentially louder with each second that passed.

What’s the move?! I wondered, frozen in place. Do I open the drawer in front of the group — including the child and dad — and unapologetically turn off the vibrator, like the sex-positive woman I am? Do I guide everyone out of the room and let the toy keep doing its thing? Do I melt into a puddle of awkwardness right then and there?

In the end, I grabbed the Legos and said, “Off we go!” and, smiling like this guy, marched upstairs, back to the world of chips and cornichons, no vibrators in sight.

Omg, I still cringe! What about you? Please share below…

P.S. The TV scene that made me applaud, and my friend’s awkward run-in with Ethan Hawke.