How to Support a Sick Friend

Hello, your article is really good for me. I liked your writing, thank you very much for this information. Regards.

I have a disability, so when we’re hosting all of the physical work falls to my husband. This weekend we invited family round for a BBQ. My dad asked if he could come early to help set up and he just got to work with no fuss. That helped me so much not to have the guilt of seeing my husband do everything alone.

I always recommend Emily McDowell’s empathy cards. There are a wide variety, and they walk that great line between being touching and funny, without being too cliche’d. A few examples: “There is no good card for this. I’m so sorry.” and “One more chemo down! Let’s celebrate with whatever doesn’t taste disgusting” and “I promise never to refer to your illness as a journey, unless someone takes you on a cruise.” I don’t work for them or anything, I just love their cards and other stuff.

I loved everything that was left by the door, food, care packages, gifts for the kids.
Last year because of my treatment during covid we had to quarantine. Following a really hard day, a friend I vented to left a “movie night basket” with popcorn, chips, candy, and an Amazon gift card to rent a movie. It was perfect.

Keep trying. I have been sick for 2.5 years and relationships that I thought were incredibly strong have floated away. I have always been the person in my friendships that tried more, and when I was no longer able to be the pursuer who texted once a week(“When can we get together?” “How are you?!), I stopped speaking to a best friend and a sibling. The sad part is they barely noticed.

Even more difficult is when the friend reached after months of not speaking, she simply said she missed me. While obviously this was not spoken will ill intent, texts like this make me (and maybe other chronically ill people?) feel guilty as though the absence is all my fault. Furthermore, it adds to the layers of guilt I carry with me each day (along with my pain) for all the ways my illness has inconvenienced others and made life harder for everyone in my life. So, I guess I mean to say that while everyone’s life is busy, chronically ill people sometimes need to simply be the person who deserves to get a moment of extra attention.

(Even writing this makes me feel as though I am still putting too much pressure on others though, so I will take this back to my therapist next month )

I have a husband and a young son, and when I was very sick I didn’t have room for anything else. The weight of everyone’s care and concern grew heavy around me. I asked my closest friends not to see me or email me for twelve months. We had all been avid email writers so this was a big thing. One of my friends did her very best but every now and then she’d send me a message with 40 images of things to make me happy – I have no idea how she found them, things like poodles in castles. Then exactly 365 days after I’d made the request there was an email from her, loving me, missing me it was glorious. She gave me the time I needed, even though it was hard for her because she loved me so much. So that’s my tip, people give you hints about what they need, listen to them. Sick people don’t come in the same shape or size. Connect in that wonderful way that only the two of you do – if you really are their friend then you know what to do, and remember, you are probably one of the biggest reasons they are trying to get better. Help them see that as far as you are concerned, they are still your friend, & they still matter.

This is largely for folks with chronic illnesses but please for all that is good and holy, think before you offer advice. As someone with a chronic illness, nothing is more frustrating than having someone ask me ‘did you try (yoga/sleep/less sleep/celery juice). Especially if the disease is chronic….it’s insulting that instead of learning what I need or how my disease works or what might actually help, folks jump right to articles sent by their great aunt or found on Facebook and that they just toss them at us instead of actively listening or supporting us. It also feels like a kick in the shins; when I tell someone I have a chronic illness and the first thing they say is ‘well have you tried yoga or going vegan or becoming a ghost’ what I hear is ‘youre clearly not doing enough or trying hard enough’
I can promise you, we’re trying…being sick is pretty much a full time job. But also chronic means…chronic. we need to live with whatever we got going on. So talk to us! Ask us what does work. Help us access and do those things. Maybe yoga does help! So come do some yoga with us! Maybe eating less sugar helps! Help us try new recipes! But don’t act like we don’t know our bodies and that we’re not putting the effort in. And also, just because we’re sick doesn’t mean we can’t eat a pint of Ben and Jerry’s or sleep in till noon or say nah screw exercise today. That doesn’t mean we aren’t trying or we don’t care or we wanna be sick…it means we’re humans and humans who will need to live with these flawed bodies for the rest of our lives and sometimes ya just need some sugar and a nap

Also, let us vent. Let us yell. Let us cry. Get mad and frustrated and pissed and sad with us…don’t try and shy away from that or tell us it’ll get better or we gotta be positive. Being sick sometimes just really really sucks and I need friends who maybe don’t get that (ya can’t unless you live it) but give me space and grace to deal with this. I’ll bounce back, I promise. I’ll find that silver lining eventually. But sometimes it’s really hard and I need to feel ok expressing that

Also bringing takeout or ice cream or weed when we’re flaring and sad always helps too…just saying

Keep inviting them to things and including them in plans, but also have a conversation that asks them- do you want me to keep messaging you (you don’t have to respond to each message) or would you like me to lay off and you can text me when you can? Keep that communication open because it can change.
Also ask- do you want to talk about it or do you want to be distracted? (Check in and switch as needed)
Ask them what they need but also understand they will say they don’t need anything, so look for things you can do. I’m taking my car in to the car wash, does your car need it too? Could I water your plants or feed your pet while you’re away? Do you need a ride to the airport?
Excepting of course dietary restrictions, everyone appreciates a fresh piece of fruit, a cold dessert, or stew. Consider flowers, or picking up a book they’d like from the library. Watch a show or movie at the same time as them and do a text-a-long.
Every time you talk about it, understand that advice is useless, support is the only thing that could make them feel better, loved, more connected.
People think that kind of honesty and communication- where you ask, “deep down what do you need? What can I do, how do you like to be supported,”only happens (or doesn’t) in marriage, but a everyone needs that.

One of my favorites is… “I’m heading to the grocery store by your house in an hour. Need anything (coffee, eggs, or just a pick me up… don’t be shy!)?”. It has the element of surprise while getting them something they need right then. :)

As someone with a chronic illness, I feel this so hard!

A few points I would add:

1) Be as patient as you can be with last-minute cancellations, and then be even more patient. The cancellations and inconveniences are 1000x worse for the person who is sick. It sucks having to cancel *yet again* with a friend and then feeling terribly guilty on top of feeling *sick*.

2) Show that you’ve done your research when making plans and put it right in the invitation. “Join me for drinks at the Manx restaurant, 9 pm on Friday, the venue has three small steps to the entrance”. Even better if you can find a restaurant that is truly accessible (like the one recently reviewed in the New York Times: https://www.nytimes.com/2021/08/17/dining/contento-review-accessibility.html)

3) Respect your friend’s (often mixed!) feelings about their illness and their body. “I don’t think of you as someone with a disability// as someone with an illness!” is not the compliment you think it is.

I have been very ill for over a year now and the most helpful things have been small gestures like sending a postcard, calling for a short chat or even poppig a box of nice tea in my mailbox. There are many people who keep this up even now and it is a great comfort! Also: people asking my husband if he needs any help. The partners tend to get forgotten. As for asking what to do? It’s well ment but most days I can‘t think of anything as I’m too tired and struggling every day. It’ s very hard to then step out of yourself and analyse what would help. Also: please don’t stop calling or texting if sombody can’t answer. Many times I simply don’t have the energy for interaction. It’s not indifference. You never know how a small note on a painful day can help in giving hope! And yes to research for better understanding but a big big NO! to sharing your new informationen. A sick person spends a lot of time in hospital or with doctors and will already know anything you feel you have to share. I‘d rather hear about my friends lifes, big things and small things, so as not to feel isolated.
I know all of this is difficult for the people around me as well – but just imagine being inside… You need as much support, love and hope as you can get over probably a lifetime.

I’d suggest asking what you can do but then also doing something even when they inevitably say “There’s nothing I can think of” or “I’ll let you know.” People who take the initiative to just show up and do something are very much appreciated in a situation where somebody is sick.

Understand that as frustrated as you are that this is unending – the cancellations, accommodations and the losses – it is four thousand times worse for the one in it. Take a breath, and be mad at the illness not the ill.