What's Your Venn Diagram Overlap?

Laura

August 28, 2020 11:28 pm

In high school, I had an English teacher that assigned us two very different poems, and asked us to find what they had in common. We came up with a list of similarities, and thinking there would be some significant literary confluence that we weren’t seeing (our list included things like, they both mentioned buttons), were then told that we could find similarities wherever we were looking for it. Here, in this context, and reading the comments, it strikes me that the point is whether we’re looking for things that bring us together or things that divide us. In my marriage, there have been periods of both. It seems to me, that in a long partnership, the question is, to a pretty significant degree, the story you’re telling yourself about what the truth that’s in front of you.

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Abby

Reply to Laura

September 10, 2020 11:08 am

Wow, how you put that into words, Laura!
I had a similar realisation when I read Alain de Botton’s Essays in Love. We share everything and nothing at the same time on earth – it just depends on how we look at it.

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Isabelle

August 25, 2020 5:48 pm

Ah! Amazing thought provoking question!

Overlap:
– Shared belief in the importance of experiences, specifically avoiding falling into the trap of doing what is expected of us or what is being modelled by our friends and family, and trying to tune into more of what is true and right for US (individually and together)
– Shared stance on religion (i.e. not very committed to it but respect our family members who feel differently, and have found a balance of connecting with them on holidays while setting boundaries that are true for us)
– Shared perspective on kids – we both went back and forth on it for a very long time, and now, recently, have both come to feel we’d like children and that we are both more or less ready for them
– Shared overall perspective on finances – that we value experiences > possessions, have little interest in fancy cars or name brand etc., and ultimately want to save versus spend
– Shared love of each other, we both feel that seeing the other person happy is the ultimate happiness for ourselves, which tends to work out when the things that make the other person in and of themselves don’t interest the other
Differences:
– I’m a morning person, he does best when he can sleep in and stay up late
– Different hobbies when it comes to exercise (he loves to do adrenaline pumping activities, i love classes lol and activities that connect me with a community)
– he is very fascinated by investing related stuff and i could fall asleep on this instantly
– i think a lot about social justice issues, whereas he has a more hands off approach of focusing on his own personal contributions of kindness versus reflecting on the bigger systems at play
– I am very empathetic and can talk about my feelings allllll the live long day, and he doesnt have this need but will happily ask if i want to watch a movie during dinner or talk about our feelings lol
– i LOVE DOGS he likes cats. we will have to navigate this one delicately i suspect….
– We’re both into making our home a lovely space, but I am farrrr less detail oriented than he is and thus I am faster to get shit done but do it less ….thoroughly… shall we say.

Wow this list can go on but that’s just what comes to mind!!! Thanks for giving me a chance to reflect on something so thought provoking!

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Hannah

August 25, 2020 12:11 pm

This is so hard. I love my husband very, very much. We are both from an incredibly white, affluent, conservative area- Minnetonka, MN. We both went the same high school, he is two years older and was the captain of alpine skiing, lacrosse, and soccer (HOT!). Both of us went to college and united over awkward interactions at mutual friends’ parties post college. We have been together for 12 years now and are hoping to start a human family (we have 16 and 17 year old DOG ISSUES) but we are not politically aligned. I work with some of the most “at-risk” students (what white lady made up this term?) in Minneapolis. He loves and has graciously supported the students that he has met but the idea of institutionalized racism has eluded him. He’s the kindest human I have ever met but we struggle to find a common place politically. So hard.

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Abby

Reply to Hannah

September 10, 2020 11:20 am

I am sorry to hear this but hopeful that you will get him to see it soon.
My partner had a similar issue with his dad recently and he made the case for institutionalised, structural racism by making it super-personal and relatable for his dad. He has a heart condition which is invisible, but if you stand close to him you’ll hear the mechanical clicks of the valve. So my partner framed it like “imagine you would not get a job because you have a heart disease – even if you are perfectly able to do the job, have graduated honours from your university (make it specific!) and are the best of the applicants just because the HR team or future boss thinks people with heart disease are incapable of doing the job”, “imagine you would not get to vote because the state says people with heart disease have to go through lengthy procedure to prove they are elligible to vote”, “imagine you would walk into a store and staff would follow you just because you have a heart disease and they were taught in training that people with heart disease steal more often than others”, “imagine mum would not have considered dating you because she thought her parents might judge her for dating someone with a heart disease” and so on and so forth… It was a hard conversation but eventually his dad got there. Afterwards we also loaned him “Why I’m no longer talking to white people about race” by Reni Eddo-Lodge because we found it ourselves so revelatory (we live in Europe and very often say “it’s an American issue” instead of focussing on the racism that does exist in Europe) and straight to the point like having a friend explain it with real life experiences.
Maybe you can think of something that makes it more personal and relatable to your husband?

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Lucy

August 24, 2020 9:21 pm

I loved reading this piece! Especially him reading about Greek Democracy vs you on insta. This is my husband and I in a nutshell. Before we go on flights he often ensures he has several wikipedia pages on various topics open on his phone for him to read. I mean no surprise, he is a history teacher, but I am still astounded by his breadth of knowledge. I have asked him to explain the Palestine/Israel situation twice, but I still don’t fully understand…
We overlap on morals, politically, the importance of kindness and charity, a love of cuddling and naps, and quite a lot of TV series.
We differ in that I am far more adventurous with food, he loves Irish folk and I love pop, I am a social butterfly and he prefers being at home and my most used apps are social media and his are news and podcast apps.
I looove our differences. They make life so interesting and fun.

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Kat

August 24, 2020 7:23 pm

The timing of this post is impeccable as we’re going through this exercise right now and not sure how we’ll come out.

Overlap:
– Very politically opinionated, invested in lifelong activism
– Lover of music, food, art, journalism, other media, and trying new things; believe in pleasure/relaxation/creative pursuits
– Empaths who value each other’s vulnerability and honesty
– Night owls who love sleep
– Invested in self-improvement and consistent self-reflection
– Love a late night out, dancing, and karaoke
– Kind, playful, loyal
– Share a dark side and can both get lost in our thoughts/emotions
– Wear our heart on our sleeves
– Very devoted to coming out clean in arguments and have the appetite to talk endlessly to resolve things. Both quick to apologize and be wrong
– Dreamers but realists when it comes to the other’s dreams

Differences:
– Religion (this may the big KO)
– Different upbringings: I come from a 1st gen, upper-middle class family of immigrants; he is white from a more blue collar, homogeneous environment, and we’ve had to embrace a lot of cultural learning in our relationship
– Friends/family: I make decisions with my whole family; he doesn’t and is more detached. I have many deep friendships; he’s happy with a close circle of ~5 that focus on hobbies vs sharing life experiences/journeys with each other. It’s more difficult for him to connect with people, and I can feel awkward sometimes with him in social situations.
– Both intensely curious but while I’m more curious about people, he’s more curious about how things work. E.g. I find out the life stories of every person I share a cab with; he goes the whole day barely talking to anyone while breaking down social theory in his head. This comes to light when I’m thinking about things like how to be a better friend to someone or how to make someone feel special for an occasion, and these thoughts don’t resonate or occur to him at all.
– Ambition: I’ve recently realized I’m much more ambitious than I realized about my career, and he is ambitious about making change but cares less about title/role/impact/doing something he’s uniquely suited to do. He’s go with the flow with his vision and I have a deep desire to be successful.

Some of the differences are big things, but it’s always been so easy to communicate even through the hard conversations that I keep holding out for when we can come to reasonable compromises on things where we really, really differ. Most of all, I feel very loved and supported and feel we can talk about anything together, but I do wonder if there isn’t someone out there who will naturally/more easily vibe with my family/friends and be more similar to me on upbringing/background (it would just be easier). Any tips/suggestions on how to know whether you can take the next step?

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Rita

August 24, 2020 6:00 pm

A couple of years into our relationship my boyfriend and his friend picked me up in his friend’s van (I can’t remember who or where or why, but I didn’t know the friend well), and as I got in the back I saw a stack of books. Reading the spines of the books I exclaimed “what an interesting person!” My boyfriend beamed and said “thanks, I’ve just been to the library”.

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Olivia

August 23, 2020 4:26 pm

My husband and I come from different countries, but we love lots of the same things: reading in bed, long hikes, debating politics. And we value many of the same things: good communication, loyalty, freedom, kindness. We had an inkling of all this when I got pregnant on date #3, but thank goodness we discovered much more we agreed upon (including, eventually, baby names;)

But the best thing we discovered is how different we are: when there is an emergency, he panics but I am eerily calm. With the kids, he is endlessly patient and I am immediately frustrated. When it comes to packing, he is a magician and I am a complete mess. In these situations, we know we are each other’s lifeboat.

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Debbie Thackeray

Reply to Olivia

August 26, 2020 7:30 am

Absolutely love your last sentence…we know we are eachother’s lifeboat. What a beautiful way to put it. x

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Lily

August 22, 2020 10:41 pm

My boyfriend and I are VERY different. We come from different home lives/religions/sibling amounts/sports teams and states.
We overlap where it counts!
– We have both at one point lived in and LOVE Chicago
– We both like to discuss our next meal over our current one
– Shared love of Curb, What We Do in the Shadows, Frasier
– He likes the cake part, I like the frosting
– We are both curious about things and why/how they got to be that way
– Shared love of themes
– Both not that into PDA
– Both enjoy singing along to showtunes in the car
– Not outdoorsy people
– Shared love of hotels
– We both have very big dreams
– We want a lot of the same things
But also even if we didn’t have those things I like the way his face smells all the time and he is very good at giving me hugs when I am sad and I think he is very funny (don’t tell him that tho).

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Kris

August 22, 2020 12:30 pm

I second other comments that said its the big things; me and my husband has almost nothing in common:
I love books, libraries and bookstores are my happy place; my husband dislikes reading and fall asleep in a paragraph or so
Speaking to new people is excruciating for me; he is easy going and easily makes conversation
I HATE trying new food (or new things in general); he likes nothing more than experimenting with new restaurants/recipes
I am not good with money, he is frugal as one can ever be
My body moves as stiff as robots and I know no rhythm whatsoever; he is good with movements and excels in most sports and music
On a related note, I need silence to work, he needs EXTREMELY loud music to do anything really
I am really indecisive but he takes risks ALL the time

BUT, a great overlap between us:
Both think family and friends are important
Has a similar view on religion/ values of life
Both have poor taste on movie (me: the cheesiest rom-com the better, him: all weird action movies where I don’t know most of the casts)
Both have poor taste on fashion (unfortunately)
Most important one: after almost 10 years together, we both still want to be with each other :D

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Nicole

Reply to Kris

August 23, 2020 4:15 am

I can totally relate to you! I struggle with it sometimes that we have so little in common, but I also know that being with someone so wildly different from me is on some level also very good for both of us. We both have very strong personalities and we need the other person for balance. After more than 20 years he is sometimes still a mystery to me and I love that so much.

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Claire

August 21, 2020 11:42 pm

I have been reading COJ religiously since my early twenties (I’m 28 now) and always used to feel such longing whenever I read the relationship posts as I was mostly single. I am finally in a happy, healthy long term relationship, something I always feared would never happen. Fun to be able to think about this question now :) Wish I could go back and tell my younger self to relax and trust that someone wonderful is going to appear.

We both love plants, food and drink, sushi, going out, Community (the show and the concept), living intentionally and passionately, Sigur Ros, travel, and both speak Spanish.

He is a deep night owl, I’m a moderate one. I’m a gluten and lactose intolerant vegetarian, he’s a voracious omnivore. He loves Will Ferrell and I! do not!! Mostly we don’t have the same taste in movies. I lean hard on my emotions, he leans hard on logic. I’m a maximalist, he’s a minimalist. I’m a 5′ 9″ tall blond blue-eyed gal from San Diego. He’s a 5′ 5″ dark/curly haired man from Mexico. There is absolutely no one else’s face I’d like to smush mine into. (:

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Emmy Schneider-Green

August 21, 2020 9:03 pm

My partner: buttoned up, organized, numbers and spreadsheet wizard, great eye for interior design, loves cold weather, can nap multiple times a day, super chill.

Me: emotional Pisces Type 4 AF, can’t math, keep a budget, or use excel to save my life, will hang one unframed poster and call it decor, freaks out if it’s below 80 degrees, never naps, has a hard time relaxing.

Overlap: Love of animals, love of travel, detests anything or anyone fake, wants to see the world, sensitive, loves true crime, loves to cook, both vegan, loves tattoos, similarly introverted.

I loved reading this! He would never read something like this, but I’ll tell him about the article and he’ll chuckle from across the room. so i guess there’s a bit more overlap :P

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Anna

August 21, 2020 4:55 pm

Wow I love this question!

My husband and I joke that we are “functional soulmates”, meaning we are great life partners but do not share the “I met part of myself when I met you” familiarity feeling that some couples have. Instead, it was, “It’s you, the person I am destined to do this life with.”

We are both practical and frugal. We enjoy (moderate) exercise, dark comedies and dining out. He loves to make jokes and I am an easy laugh. We are intensely attracted to each other. I have a background in writing and music, and he appreciates that creative side of me. He is commanding and persuasive and, as someone who grew up as the one “in control,” it’s nice to have someone I trust to take the wheel. We are both quick, deep thinkers. We both see each other as a true partner in every aspect of our lives – careers, kids, lovers and friends.

Our differences are significant. I grew up in the Midwest, he immigrated from the former Soviet Union. His family is Jewish, mine is Catholic. He is Gen X, I am a Millennial. In politics, I am left of center and he is right of center. He used to listen to NIckleback, which – possibly more than any of the other things – was almost a deal breaker. :)

When we fight – most always as a result of those differences – we both come back to, “I’m just not over you yet.” I expect we’ll feel that way for the rest of our lives, and as the years go on (nearly 10 now), I appreciate more and more the relational fits between us that make us work and think less and less about those identity issues. It’s a welcome shift in aperture.

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Cora

August 21, 2020 2:11 pm

This reminded me of the early days in my relationship with my husband. We drove by a McDonald’s and started talking about Happy Meals. I sheepishly told him I had a very uncommon kid go-to order. He looked at me and said, “I always got a Filtet-o-fish in my Happy Meal.” I screamed back, “Me too!” Something about that weird overlap connected us in a deep way.

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Maureen

August 21, 2020 12:12 pm

This is such a sweet little essay. Made me smile, thanks :)

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Andrea

August 21, 2020 11:26 am

We overlap on everything essential—our faith/trying to live lives of wholeness and holiness; being curious and grateful; taking delight and joy in life; willing the good of each other. Everything else is room for difference.

“In Essentials Unity, In Non-Essentials Liberty, In All Things Charity.”

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AC

August 21, 2020 10:48 am

Me: a morning person, love to eat healthy (my pregnancy cravings were salads and nectarines!), love punk/metal/classic rock, horror movies and scary stories, cold weather
Partner: a night owl, always snacking on crap foods, does not really listen to music (!!), prefers blockbusters, warm weather

Our intersects: true crime, video games (though our tastes differ vastly), eating and cooking, going to the beach, road trips, animals, spending time outdoors

Thinking about these things during this time of quarantine has helped remind me why we were drawn to each other, despite driving each other crazy while cooped up at home!

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Daniela

August 21, 2020 10:25 am

I love this! My husband and I have our differences.. He loves late nights and I love early mornings. He loves meat and I love vegetables. Etc..

But! We both want to live out in nature and have a farm or something similar. We get overwhelmed going out and love staying in. We love to travel and move new places. We like the same music. We like the same shows. I’m sure I’ll think of so much more after this :)

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Dahlia

August 21, 2020 9:35 am

When we fell madly in love at Burning Man in 1997, our friends thought we were crazy. I was 27, he was 21. We were both just out of serious relationships. I was a poet just starting my MFA and he was a geek, as we called folks who worked in tech then. Our divide was so great that the only person I knew who worked in an office was the one I met him through. We appeared on the surface to everyone else to be wildly different. We were engaged after four months, which scared the bleep out of everyone except our parents, who trusted us, bless them.

23 years later we remain madly in love, which is a good thing since we are quarantined in our home, a small sailboat in Mexico whose interior is smaller than our San Francisco kitchen was.

Our Venn diagram is of values and dreams; we felt this from the start and one of the ways we have built upon it is by reading together. So much of a person in their inner world, and reading together creates a shared inner world. We don’t read in lockstep or perfect tandem, but either of us can say when we feel a book will be vital to our sense of the world and the other will read it.

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Anon

Reply to Dahlia

August 23, 2020 2:37 am

Love this, it is very beautiful when two people truly connect. And I want to add that it is refreshing to read about an older woman with a younger man. The other way around is such an accepted norm, the older man and the younger woman… I am so tired of that stereotype. Good for you for doing things your own way.

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Clare

August 21, 2020 9:15 am

My husband and I have been together 18 years, married 14, with 2 kids. We got married YOUNG – like early 20s – and have had a subpar marriage for most of it. We didn’t know ourselves enough to embrace our differences – felt like they were insults to the other person.
Our pandemic has been filled with revelations about past traumas, some major depression, betrayals, and now healing and growth. It’s been a wild ride, but now that we’re moving forward in our “second marriage” (that old one was shit), it’s fun to think about our Venn Diagram, because I value our both our independent selves and I value the life we’re building.
He would read for 12 hours a day/I would talk to friends for 12 hours
He loves goes to see live music (jazz mostly) / I would rather see a musical, play, or comedy show
He loves to figure out all kinds of puzzles (including those in video games) / I love to figure out puzzling situations with people
He likes to try new, complicated recipes / I love making old favorites
He carefully and lovingly tends to things we plant in our garden / I don’t really care if things don’t make it through the season or if squirrels get all the figs/tomatoes/whatever first
He likes to keep things running in the house / I like to make the house work better (design/layout, furniture, storage, etc.)
BUT – our overlap space
We love ordering vegetarian or vegetable tasting menus at fancy restaurants (We aren’t vegetarian – just love what chefs do with plants)
We love going on walks – very long walks in pre-kid days
We love opening the windows – especially when the air is a bit crisp
We love traveling – especially to cities, but are also hoping to visit some national parks, etc. when it’s safe
We love snuggling our two boys – they are the biggest snuggle monsters, and we love when they crawl up into our laps (even the 9 year old – oof he’s big!)
We love getting up early
We both love music (but he’ll listen all day long, while I want certain music at certain times for certain moods)
Our politics align very closely and we love learning from each other’s perspective

We are embracing the venn diagram nature of it – both the overlap and the separate spaces – and it’s a pretty rewarding process after so many years. So thanks for having this conversation here – it’s been fun to write these down and reflect.

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Liz

Reply to Clare

August 21, 2020 10:28 am

This is really beautiful. I wish you a fulfilling and above par second marriage together! Good for you for doing the hard work to move forward stronger

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tara

Reply to Clare

August 21, 2020 6:26 pm

well done, you guys.
really happy to hear you’ve had time and space to work through things AND reconnect.

as a side, and somewhat related:
i read once that the first seven (or so) years are the hardest of marriage, and that most people who divorce sadly end up going through the hardest parts of marriage repeatedly.

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Jessie

August 21, 2020 7:51 am

Weirdly, Normal People. I really wanted to watch it and thought my husband would hate it, but he got super into it and we still discuss the show and characters.
Other than that, we both like old movies like Sho Around the Corner and Some Like It Hot.

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Malissa

August 21, 2020 6:40 am

When life feels like a constant uphill battle about all the myriad ways that my husband and I are so different, the glue that holds us together is that we generally are very in sync with how/when we spend our quality time together. I don’t feel like we have to negotiate the ins and outs of this one thing and it can make all of the other mountains feel more like mole hills.

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Jax

August 21, 2020 1:17 am

Overlap:
– politics
– being snobs about really good rock music (whether indie, grunge or classic)
– golden age of hip hop
– Tarantino movies
– Wes Anderson movies
– Bill Murray
– Steve Martin
– cream of the crop tv shows (Mad Men, Breaking Bad, The Expanse, The Wire, The Expanse, The Americans, Halt & Catch Fire)
– the best in standup comedy
– silly, juvenile comedies like Neighbors, Talledega Nights, Old School, Bridesmaids, Superbad, Blades of Glory, etc.
– great dancing — Gene Kelly and Fred Astaire plus Step Up 2
– a beautiful piece of aged steak and we both just love food, in general.
– Pilgrim Scott vs. the World
– classic and outlaw country music

That’s just the tip of the iceberg, so we’re lucky.

Where we definitely don’t overlap:
– I love Star Wars Episodes IV-VI, but he cares WAAAAAY too much about the whole franchise.
– I feel the same way about James Bond and Hitchcock movies that he feels about Star Wars, Star Trek and Doctor Who.
– I could eat pasta every day with some minimal sauce and greens. He needs protein almost every meal. In fact, I love kale, brussels sprouts, eggplant, bitter melon, broccoli rabe — he wants nothing to do with any of that.
– We like to travel in very different ways, though we both enjoy just chilling out in a city or place for a whole week vs. going from place to place to place. I could be out all day, walking endlessly. He wants to stop at a pub or bar for a couple hours and chill.
– He’s a big-time geek D&D geek
– I love hangin’ at wine bars and am obsessed with modern/midcentury design
– He loves campin’, fishin’ and huntin’
– I’ll be watching my Queer Eye and Tidying with Marie Kondo
– He’s into Dali, I’m into Diebenkorn

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Laura

August 21, 2020 12:17 am

My husband and I immediately bonded over the fact that we’re both 30 Rock obsessed- like, know every line from every episode obsessed. We also share a love for 90s action movies, steak, mid-century modern furniture, and we have the same taste in music and tolerance for social gatherings. Where we differ: he likes to be early to things whereas I’m usually running late, I love anything sour (candy, pickles, vinegar) and he haates it, and he has a lot of patience- which I have nearly 0 of!

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Christan

August 20, 2020 11:33 pm

One day I was chatting with a student of mine about her frenemy in the class.
“We are two different souls…” she responded.
My husband and I say that to each other frequently when we notice our own non-overlaps. When said as dramatically as a 12 year old girl, it lightens any tension.

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Emily

Reply to Christan

August 21, 2020 11:04 am

HA as a former teacher this made me laugh. I LOVE the melodramatic precision of kids’ language and emotions. I wish adults would give ourselves permission to feel that much sometimes!

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Annie

August 20, 2020 10:02 pm

It was the long-sinc ended Michael Ian Black podcast, “How to Be Amazing.” We didn’t even like the same guests! Still looking to replace this one in our overlap…

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Eileen

August 20, 2020 9:48 pm

This is a fun post. My husband and I laugh about how opposite our Netflix profiles are. His filters to dark and fantasy shows and mine are bright and relational. Another laugh for us was sitting side by side and doing our color profiles. He balanced between 2 colors and balanced on the other 2.
One of my favorite memories from dating was from our first Christmas and realizing a lot of his ornaments from childhoood were the same as mine growing up. The overlap felt very meaningful and special.

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Tora

Reply to Eileen

August 21, 2020 2:50 am

Its the same with med and my partner, but then we also have a joined profile, that is kind of our Venn diagram in this case :)

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Annie

August 20, 2020 9:40 pm

I love this article. From the spot on hilarious picture of the Obamas to your relatable and warm description of your relationship. My husband and I have been together for 10 years and married for 5. We are not alike in so many ways. (He cleans for fun and is allergic to sugar). But we have some overlap for sure. We both hate pets. (don’t @ me) We are frugal. We can eat the same meal all week, and that meal is usually subpar burrito bowls.

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Emily

August 20, 2020 8:59 pm

I love this concept and I use it in all sorts of ways beyond romantic relationships. Some of my friends and I are so different, its fun to point out the foundational, important stuff in the overlap! We’ve also talked about how our families and partners are so unique and yet there’s some good stuff in the middle there too. I’ve got mental images of complicated 6 circle venn diagrams. I love hearing other people thinking the same way!!

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Ellen

Reply to Emily

August 22, 2020 9:00 am

yes! love this and in general I think most relationship advice can/should be applied to friendships!

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Ne

August 20, 2020 8:47 pm

Oh Kim, I needed to read this! I have been single for a very long time and I am untangling who do I think I am, to the kind of love I believe I deserve, to the kind of love I want – with a very awesome therapist!!! And while I can’t say how but your article helped!!

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K

Reply to Ne

August 21, 2020 11:16 am

I needed this as well! I’m in a relationship and reading other people’s comments really makes you reflect on the similarities more. Therapists are so great! Mine made me write a very specific list of things I wanted in someone (likes Wes Anderson movies, enjoys sidewalks, will try eating new things, etc) and I found it! We still have enough differences to keep it interesting. Best wishes on your journey!

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Janan W

August 20, 2020 8:31 pm

The husband and I:
Married 23 years this December, 4 kids, baby is a senior, so nearly empty nesters.
Differ:
He falls asleep early most nights and gets up early to run/I fall asleep late most nights and sleep through his run
He hasn’t shed a tear in all the time I’ve known him/I cry often and in great quantities
He thinks staying in bed on the weekend is a waste/I think it is a must
He needs to always have a project going/I need to nap on the daily
He’s the dreamer/I am the dream killer (realist;)
He sleeps hot/I sleep cold
He wants to snuggle all night/I need personal space to sleep
He loves pets/I, with little exception, do not!
Overlap:
We love our garden! I design it, He tends it
We love good food, like really really good food
We love to travel and spare no expense on the food we eat while doing it
We love living warm, and hate winter (though he does enjoy skiing)
We love dating, must go out several times a month
We love family time. Games! Movies! Food! Laughing!
We both love Audible (but never listen to the same books)
We love camping with a working toilet. I do the prep work, he does set-up and cooking
We both love Musicals (Best in person!)
There’s more, a lot both in both categories:)

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Rachel

Reply to Janan W

August 21, 2020 12:55 am

love this!

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Elizabeth

August 20, 2020 8:07 pm

I love this way of looking at things! It totally makes sense to me, and I love that people are talking about both small and big things. I am curious, though, what are others’ experiences with how this overlaps (no pun intended, haha) with online/app dating? Meaning that so much of online and app dating is all about defining ourselves by our interests – favorite books, hobbies, etc – and I wonder how much that has affected everyone’s collective openness to clicking with someone who may not share the kind of interests they had in mind for a partner.

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E

Reply to Elizabeth

August 21, 2020 2:23 pm

This is a good question. If my partner had the job he has now when we met online, I may not have even agreed to meet him. But since I had gotten to know him before he started applying for positions in that career, I knew that some of the things I love about him (his dedication to doing good and treating people well, wanting to help people, doing his best) also make him a really good person to do his job, and also not like many of the other people who have the same career. So I would have missed out. I think it’s really important to balance categories (which a list of attributes/interests can turn into) with seeing each person as an individual. I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately, regarding relationships in general, not just dating.

Reply

Ana D

Reply to Elizabeth

August 22, 2020 6:40 am

Good question. My short answer: nobody filters by fave books on online dating platforms.

There was just *something* about my now-husband’s profile and message to me. I definitely didn’t want to hook up with him, and I disagreed with his stance of raisins being an abomination, but I had to talk to him. And I had the freedom to do so, low stakes. Without online dating, we could’ve lived 10 miles away from each other and oblivious for another 10 years.

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Mouse

August 20, 2020 7:24 pm

I thought I was the only one dramatically singing to our cats! (I was an opera singer in a previous life) I especially like putting nonsense to classical tunes. Rhyming mouse and house……..:) They like it. I think.

Reply

C

Reply to Mouse

August 21, 2020 3:42 am

I really think they do. :D Our lovely cat who passed away after 15 years with us used to join my mum when she was practicing her singing for choir practice and positioned herself ready to be serenaded

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Emily L

Reply to Mouse

August 21, 2020 9:24 am

C- that is so sweet! What a lovely memory.

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Susan

August 20, 2020 7:16 pm

An old man I knew said it didnt matter what a couple didn’t agree on as long as they could agree on these “M” s. Money, manners, meals, morals. There may be a 5th one I am forgetting! But as a pretty old girl now in a wonderful long term relationship, I think he was onto something!

Reply

Neha

Reply to Susan

August 21, 2020 12:06 am

The fifth M is Monogamy. That we mean the same thing to each other.

But I heard them as Morals, Manners, Money, Monogamy and Marx Brothers. Hadn’t heard Meals before! ?

I’ve heard it on a podcast… google Writing Excuses and Marie Kowal Robinette 5 Ms of relationship or something like that it’ll come up

Reply

jules

Reply to Susan

August 21, 2020 1:44 am

Wow the M’s just explained how we’ve stayed together for 20 years. That and a shared love of:
old soul, gospel and country music (1920s-70s)
dark comedy
bad kitchen dancing
Intense hiking trips
unconditional pet love
travel
working
Moonstruck

differences – tidyness, sleep needs, temperament, spirituality, he inexplicably listens to talk radio, car temp (ongoing battle), driving philosophy (him grandma, me formula 1 , also a battle)

Used to have some political divides, no longer

Reply

Jo

Reply to Susan

August 21, 2020 4:35 am

Oh, phew, thank you Susan! I was reading everyone’s overlap lists and not really coming up with too many for my own longterm relationship. But we do agree on the M’s!

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Rachel

August 20, 2020 7:13 pm

I love this post! I think this will be our date night conversation tomorrow. We have a lot in common interest-wise and our values are very much shared. We do have a big-ish difference and I wonder if anyone else has experienced this. My boyfriend has a pet cat that he’s had for years before our relationship. I am very allergic to cats (and not really a fan of them in general). I need to take allergy pills when I’m at his place. We’ve been together almost a year and I feel like we are putting off the conversation of moving in (although we talk about marriage and both see a future together) because of this.

Reply

LC

Reply to Rachel

August 20, 2020 9:04 pm

Purina Pro Plan just launched a cat food called Live Clear that reduces the proteins in cats’ saliva that many people are sensitive to. (In full disclosure, I’m a Purina employee.).

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Meagan

August 20, 2020 7:01 pm

Our Venn diagram would have turning random words into songs, Schitts Creek, Will Ferrell movies, our love for our cats, The Beatles, the Thai place in town, our homebody natures and our travel styles (thank JEBUS). Otherwise, we have very little in common by way of interests. I read, eat super healthy, love sitting in silence, am constantly taking courses and enjoy yoga and photography whereas he hates reading (but is a sports writer), he lives and breathes sports, he would only eat pizza forever if allowed, loves scrolling on his phone and listens to everything so loud he can hear it with his whole body. Yet we are such a good match!

Reply

Miranda

Reply to Meagan

August 21, 2020 6:26 am

I had my ban my man from McDonalds and sugar. He’s STILL complaining about it. But we can’t get enough of each other :)

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Chrissy

August 20, 2020 6:53 pm

This is a fun exercise! Helps me look at our relationship with star-eyes (mostly) .

Hubby: Doesn’t like trying new things but working on this for me
Me: Loves going out, trying new foods, new routes

Hubby: Reads news all the time. Loves political debates. Socially liberal, but everything else conservative.
Me: Reads mostly headlines. Hate debates. Love reading cooking-related websites. Everything liberal.

Hubby: Loves working on engines, motorcycles, cars, etc.
Me: He tells me how turbo engines (?) work to help me fall asleep.

Hubby: Snores loudly
Me: Can sleep through loud snoring

Shared things: road trips, fishing, camping, NYT puzzles, some TV shows, card games

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Rosalie

August 20, 2020 6:29 pm

God, I love this! It’s making me think about my relationship with my husband and how we do and don’t overlap. Thanks for this thought-provoking essay!

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allison

August 20, 2020 6:17 pm

this is such a fun idea!!!

here’s my overlap with my husband:
our greyhound cole, esp. his soft ears and funny sleeping positions
negronis
trying new foods and recipes
ice cream
gardening (though, him: hot peppers and blueberries; me: herbs and tomatoes)
traveling
n.k. jemisin
jeopardy
the desert, and mountains with lakes
our peloton, esp. robin
social justice and supporting democrats for office
calexico (the band)

and our differences:
him: night owl x1000; me: in bed no later than 11pm or i can’t function
him: scifi movies and tv shows; me: comedies, romcoms, documentaries
him: data science twitter; me: political science twitter
him: donating money to causes; me: canvassing, calling, volunteering
him: wait to do all the chores until sunday night to enjoy the weekend; me: get all the chores done saturday morning to enjoy the weekend
him: the dog has gotten enough exercise; me: i think the dog needs a walk
him: inbox count 14,982; me: inbox count 8

that last one is probably the best illustration of our differences…. :-P

Reply

Kerry

Reply to allison

August 21, 2020 7:58 am

Especially Robin!

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Kate the Great

August 20, 2020 6:10 pm

Oh, good. I wondered, when I saw your post about getting your own apartment, whether you and your boyfriend were still together.

Not living with him is smart.

Relishing the details of the lives of strangers is fun, especially when they’re not celebrities. Thank you for putting your heart into your blog posts. It’s wonderfully distracting from the humdrum moments of being a mom. Like right now, when my toddler is tired but he doesn’t want to admit it.

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Robin

August 20, 2020 6:08 pm

We call ourselves “the borg” because my husband and I are so similar, it’s like we have the same brain. Especially with covid, and each being unemployed, we do EVERYTHING together – check the mail, ride bikes, read, even hang out with each others friends. Our overlap is huge, both in little things and broader values. I’ve been thinking for a few minutes of our main differences, and all I can come up with is that he likes to drink pickle juice and I do not.

Reply

Emily

Reply to Robin

August 20, 2020 11:12 pm

Lol Robin “the borg” made me snort laugh. With each passing day of quarantine together, my husband and I get closer and closer to morphing into a borg. (And tbh when life returns to a bit more “normal”, me, my husband and our sweet little dog are going to have some weird separation anxiety after all this time together!)

Reply

Robin

Reply to Robin

August 21, 2020 11:03 am

Emily… glad to hear I’m not the only one in the borg! I kind of love the borg. I know this couple that has been married for 25 years, and on their last anniversary I asked the husband what his secret to marriage was. He said, “we do everything together” and elaborated that they have the same friends, drive everywhere together, etc… basically they are the borg too. They even look alike… they both have mullets that originated in the 80s and have endured as long as their marriage, haha. It comforted me that it’s okay to be super attached as a couple, and that co-dependence is okay.

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SarahN

August 20, 2020 5:55 pm

I totally also have this misguided sense of romantic partners Venn diagrams should be as close to overlapping as possible – and it’s just not realistic!!

We both love a morning lie in – I hate that he get 1-2 hours more than me on a work day when we stay together – he’ll come to bed with me, cause I love that, but also, he so regularly falls asleep on the sofa (and I NEVER do).

He loves all things war history – fiction or not. Me? Please no!!

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Catherine

August 20, 2020 5:09 pm

This is a fun post! I always joke with my husband about “my internet” and “his internet” because he’s a computer engineer and never sees or reads any of the stories I tell him about.

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Staci

August 20, 2020 5:08 pm

I am from Indiana and my husband is from Nigeria, so there are many differences, but our overlap is:
-Staying home
-Leaving the house to go on walks
-Comedy Bang Bang (the TV show and podcast)
-Lord of the RIngs
-Pasta of almost any kind
-Ice cream

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Hilary

August 20, 2020 5:01 pm

How interesting! I love my husband more than anything but we are so opposites, he is a night owl, me an early riser, he is from the East coast, me a Midwesterner, I love coffee and wine, he can’t stand it, I’m a Democrat, he is a frustrated Republican. I know we have things in common or we wouldn’t be happily married these 15 years but I would love to see what our Venn Diagram looks like.

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EW

August 20, 2020 4:53 pm

This is such a thought-provoking post. When we met, my husband and I bonded over too much early American history shoved down our throats as kids (from VA and MA) and childhoods where our parents were physically present but mentally and emotionally absent for wildly different reasons. We both value adventure and trying something new; we view the unknown as exciting. We are both hard workers personally and professionally. We will each sacrifice for the greater good (me, to a point; him, with no end in sight).

Him: Twitter; Me: Washington Post, NY Times
Him: Pearl Jam, Beatles, 90s hip hop; Me: podcasts
Him: cooks (thank god!); Me: bakes when the mood strikes
Him: all the sports; Me: let’s just watch Law & Order (again!)
Him: all the superhero movies; Me: movies are sooooo long
Him: casual; Me: dressed up 24/7
Him: books about vampires; Me: the latest political memoir
Him: great at casual conversation; Me: deep dives into current events
Him: fun and funny; Me: warm but serious

Reply

Caitlin

Reply to EW

August 20, 2020 8:40 pm

When my boyfriend and I were in the early swoon of falling in love, it seemed like we were always aligned. Movies, childhoods, career goals. It amazed me. And then, one night, he just throws it out there that he prefers more recent Weezer albums to older ones. It was the biggest fight we have ever had :)

Now, after being together for years and two kids in the mix, Weezer can still start what seems like a sweet and funny debate but has deep undertones of “who the hell are you and how can we share a life if you think this way???” That SNL skit about Weezer is honestly too real.

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Ali

August 20, 2020 4:40 pm

I love this! My husband and I are so different, but I think our main overlap is that we are both fiercely independent so we understand each others need for time alone or away.
Our other overlaps
– coffee
– brunch
– puns
– love of the beach
– day drinking in the sun
– watching country calendar (a New Zealand classic!)

Reply

e

August 20, 2020 4:39 pm

Overlap: We both love…
* music, attending shows ( :( ), and growing our vinyl collection
* dogs sooo much haha (honestly couldn’t be with a person who didn’t…)
* being super active (he’s a cyclist and I’m a running who practices ashtanga)
* a good smoothie
* photography

Differences: basically everything else
*I love eating out at fancy restaurants; he views it as a waste of money
*He plays video games. I try to pretend I don’t see it. lol
*He’s a night owl, I’m in bed at 9:30
*I have a big fam with a million cousins, he’s an only child and not very close with his extended family
* He loves cars and motorcycles, and will spend days working on them. I could care less.

Honestly, the more I think about it, I don’t think common interests matter very much. I really think it’s about being on the same wavelength, having similar values, and hating the same things (especially this one! haha) Also:
I think it helps that we both have anxiety-inducing parents. I think that understanding has created a lot of compassion in our relationship and that issue has caused us to react to things in similar ways.

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Kylie

August 20, 2020 4:37 pm

I tell my teens’ that the most you’ll ever overlap with one person is probably 60% — and that’s great! That’s where I consider I am with my husband. No need to stress if you don’t have all the same interests. All my best friends in the world would put way different music/movies/etc. on their top lists than I would put on mine, and I love that about them. They introduce me to so much!

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Ashley

August 20, 2020 4:29 pm

My husband and I are similar yet incredibly different, our venn diagram includes:
– Our puppy bailey
– Cooking
– Slow weekend mornings
– Trader Joes
– Just being outside
– Travel
– True Crime
– Crime shows
– Reese’s (this is a positive and negative)
– Family time
– Games
– The Green Bay Packers

We have a lot of mutual interests, but I think it’s the outside parts of the Venn diagram that make our relationship interesting after eight years.

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Elizabeth R.

August 20, 2020 4:27 pm

I am 34 and have never had a long term partner. But these comments are very sweet. I think a healthy mix of similar and different interests are key.

Reply

Lauren

August 20, 2020 4:19 pm

Such a good post! Our amended list:

Overlaps: We are both people-pleasers (although to different degrees); we share a similar, dry (and slightly crude) sense of humor; we love food adventures; we’re overly-earnest parents and are big on (over) communication; we love a good dance party; and we both exercise everyday. We also both share similar (but not identical) political convictions.

Diverges: We have different temperaments — he’s endlessly patient and more go with the flow; I’m fire-y and have a million opinions. He reads exclusively non-fiction, while I’m a fiction-lover. I’m dying to get a puppy, but he’d be happy sans-pets for a long, long while. He’s pragmatic; and remembers many of the ‘keep life chugging along’ details — oil changes, watering the plants, dentist appointments. I cook big creative meals and am the lead the architect for many of our trips, weekend adventures and family traditions/rituals.

So fun to read everyone’s unique perspectives!

Reply

Joslyn

August 20, 2020 4:09 pm

I don’t know why, but this reminds me of how when I was little I was convinced I had determined the secret to a happy marriage: liking opposite types of fries. I was convinced my parents’ marriage was so solid because my dad liked the crispy ones and my mom liked the soggy ones and thus they never fought over them. Looking back, maybe the secret to marriage is as simple as that…

Reply

Joanna Goddard

Admin

Reply to Joslyn

August 20, 2020 4:25 pm

that is so cute, Joslyn!

Reply

Rachel

Reply to Joslyn

August 20, 2020 5:18 pm

I feel like my husband and I are the perfect pair because he likes everything in the Santa Fe Spicy Trail mix EXCEPT the sesame sticks, and I ONLY like the sesame sticks.

Reply

Elisa

Reply to Joslyn

August 20, 2020 9:04 pm

This is so sweet. I thought this was true of my husband and I for so long. Until one day I discovered that he didn’t actually prefer the soggy fries, he was leaving the crispy ones for me (my favorite). And here I thought we’d found some perfect french fry marital bliss. Turns out, he just knew me well and he’d been gifting me the crispy fries for years.

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Elle

August 20, 2020 3:49 pm

Oh, and coffee, we both love coffee! And while I’m at it, we both like big cities, reading, mountains, and the Pacific Northwest

Reply

Brittany

August 20, 2020 3:49 pm

Our personalities are SO different, but there’s a lot of overlap with other stuff.

– Politics and ethics (don’t think this would be negotiable for either of us)
– We adore our rescue pup
– Prioritizing travel
– Midsomer Murders and Miami Vice
– We love sandwiches
– We like hosting dinner parties
– We both think we’re the “funny” one in the relationship
– Favorite fruit: nectarines
– We both really love making new friends, even though he’s an extrovert and I’m an introvert

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Elle

August 20, 2020 3:44 pm

Our overlap/Venn Diagram:
-True Crime
-Hip hop and rap
-Camping
-Politics
-Mountain biking
-Snow sports
-Football
-Baseball
-Roadtrips

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Julie

August 20, 2020 3:42 pm

I love this post and sentiment. It’s been on my mind a lot throughout quarantine – coming to understand the real, best reasons I’m with my husband! One of my exes (a problematic relationship for sure, but one that comes up in my mind sometimes) had the EXACT taste in music, movies, restaurants, clothing, everything that I did. I used to think that was a sign of compatibility. And it’s truly, truly not the only important thing or even something that important, which is astounding and such a relief. It’s about how you love each other, not what you each love. I LOVE how different our interests are, even when I get frustrated that he won’t wear a shirt I think would look good on him, go to a specific concert, or wants to talk to me about a war I have no knowledge of.

For good measure, here’s the list of movies my husband and I can agree on that took us HOURS to compile:

Moonstruck
What’s Up Doc
Pacific Rim
Working Girl
The Alien franchise
Dirty Dancing
First three Indiana Jones movies
Interstellar
Mulan
When Harry Met Sally
Mrs. Doubtfire
Jumanji
You’ve Got Mail
Inception

Lololol. Love you all!

Reply

Sofia

Reply to Julie

August 21, 2020 2:46 am

“It’s about how you love each other, not what you each love.“ This. So true.

Reply

Meghan

August 20, 2020 3:17 pm

Overlaps:
– Planners who kinda have stoner backgrounds so we plan a lot but then also… go with the flow
– Playful sense of humor
– Equally comfortable in highbrow/lowbrow situations
– Engaged in politics
– Very family-oriented
– Career-oriented to about the same extent
– Social to about the same extent
– Really enjoy camping/hiking
– Both openminded
– Both like to research/take action to about the same extent

Differences:
– My boyfriend has a really ingrained sense of right/wrong when he interacts with people in small ways throughout the day. He can get really upset if he feels misled by salesperson for example. My reactions are generally not as strong as his, for better or worse (my expectations might be lower?)
– Historically I have been less anxiety-prone
– He’s more left-brained than me

Honestly, my favorite thing about him is how ‘adult’ and ‘laidback’ he is – I think we have this in common. He knows everything about the home mortgage process from fastidious online research but he is also really openminded and chill. It makes me feel really relaxed around him at almost all times because he’s always planning for the big picture – so I never worry that our important life things are slipping through the cracks – but he’s also very nonjudgmental and doesn’t really ‘need’ things to be a certain way. So I feel like I can tell him any kind of news or idea and it won’t break his heart, even if it disrupts his plans. It’s really relaxing to be around that kind of energy!

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Carrie

August 20, 2020 3:16 pm

This is timely. We’ve been struggling.

My husband and I have been married 17 years, together for 22, and best friends since we were 13. We are very, very different in almost every way. Seriously. It’s hard, and it’s a lot of work.

However, we are alike in one key way: we both deeply value self-examination. This allows us to reflect on ourselves when things are hard (or going well), to apologize, to see things from the other point of view, and to see each other as our greatest teacher.

Additionally, we are definitely each others safe place to be vulnerable, and to fall.

I’m not going to lie – this sometimes feels like too much work, it should be easier, and so on… but he is my emotional rock, and I am his, and ultimately our ability to be honest with ourselves and each other keeps us together.

Reply

Anon

Reply to Carrie

August 20, 2020 6:34 pm

“Seriously. It’s hard, and it’s a lot of work.” @Carrie, this resonates so much. The first year and a half of my marriage has been so hard – not because we don’t love each other, but because we’re very different people and that has required a lot of really difficult conversations about our life together. We’re both 100% committed to the relationship, and I’m proud of the progress we’ve made, but I also wish sometimes it could be just a little bit easier.

Reply

Kyla

August 20, 2020 2:40 pm

My husband and I are wildly different in most ways. But early in our relationship, when he pulled out the compilation CD Ultimate Dance Party 97 and sang along to every song, as I had been doing with my girlfriends since 1997 (mind you we met in 2007) I knew that the ways we overlapped were so fun and made our differences exciting.

Now we have 5 kids. And we still listen to Ultimate Dance Party 97.

Reply

Gaby

Reply to Kyla

August 20, 2020 5:52 pm

I was maybe 9 years old when I found this in my older brother’s cd collection and stole it. I looked up the track list and made a spotify playlist a few years ago! :)

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K

August 20, 2020 2:27 pm

It’s funny how i just now truly realize how different me and my partner might be on paper?

Where we overlap: we both love cuddling and talking and can stay at the beach till we’re the last ones there.

He’s like Steven though, where for FUN he goes through the history of ancient philosophy because he’s earnestly trying to understand the world around him. I do like that stuff too, but I can also spend plenty of time doing “fluff” stuff, watching fashion and beauty Youtube. His guilty pleasure pretty much boils down to watching Facebook videos of Dad’s accidentally getting hit in the balls by their toddler.

Like other people have mentioned though, the complementary stuff does feel like it works for the most part (I love cooking and eating, he loves eating and doesn’t mind doing the dishes). I feel more emotional with a pragmatic bent, he seems more pragmatic with an emotional bent. Probably explains how I am an INFP-T and he is an INFP-A according to a totalllyyy legit online MBTI test ;)

Reply

Kim Rhodes

Author

Reply to K

August 20, 2020 2:38 pm

OMG. Yes! Steve loves slapstick humor when he wants to unwind, and I sit next to him looking through interior design youtube! haha

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Elle

August 20, 2020 2:22 pm

Ha! As an exhausted new mom of twins I find this post/concept so… amusingly banal?

Our overlap is like:

–the babies
–did they poop
–they pooped WHERE?
–why did they not poop? is there a problem?
–can you grab me a water real fast

:P

Reply

Lora

Reply to Elle

August 20, 2020 2:57 pm

From a fellow mom of a toddler and baby: relatable content

Reply

Wendela

Reply to Elle

August 20, 2020 3:23 pm

@elle, My thought is that it’s not banal at all if you and your partner in parenting overlap on those topics! In so many marriages those issues are relegated to the mom, as her domain (even if she had a demanding job outside the home) and the dad can have other interests (outside of his job) like golf or basketball or backpacking with his buddies. I see this over and over, even still today (but for sure it was widespread in earlier generations). I’m so glad you and your partner overlap on those (Seemingly mundane) parenting topics —that’s awesome given your stage of life as a family!

Reply

Angie

Reply to Elle

August 20, 2020 3:24 pm

ooooh yes. this struggle is so real. But also, imagine how much worse it would be if only one of you was thinking about the poop?!? The babies would have you outnumbered!

Reply

Courtney

Reply to Elle

August 20, 2020 3:37 pm

Ellie- it gets better!!!! Good luck and congrats! :)

Reply

Em

Reply to Elle

August 20, 2020 3:58 pm

now THIS is relatable AF. ;)

Reply

Elizabeth R.

Reply to Elle

August 20, 2020 4:24 pm

I mean, being in the trenches is rough but it is not banal to care about love.

Reply

J

Reply to Elle

August 20, 2020 4:57 pm

But the concept of your babies’ poop is not banal????

Reply

Elle

Reply to Elle

August 20, 2020 8:38 pm

Wow thank you all for responding!

I suppose this was my sarcastic way of saying: isn’t the only overlap worth discussing your intense, on-the-ground, messy commitment to building a life together? This phase (the trenches!) has shown me so clearly that these aesthetic/smaller differences truly don’t matter in comparison.

Reply

Mak

August 20, 2020 2:21 pm

Yes, Kim! Sleeping in all the way. I think having similar sleep tendencies makes things naturally easier :) My partner broke up with an ex because on weekends she was always waiting for him to get up and at ’em! He said the pressure was too much, lol.

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Anna

August 20, 2020 2:15 pm

Oh what a fun way to look at things! I’ll play. Hubby and I both like puns, wordplay, and crossword puzzles (we can share them- are we unicorns?), we are both makers (different materials, though), and we both enjoy a strong Pacific Northwest IPA. We both like Star Trek better than Star Wars and we like moving and living in different parts of the country- good thing, because we have moved together six times in almost 14 years!

Reply

Abesha1

August 20, 2020 2:11 pm

But where’s the Venn Diagram?

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Emma

August 20, 2020 2:04 pm

Differences: I like reading, he likes science. He is pretty detached about politics, I am moved to tears by pretty much anything on the news. I love history, ballet, hiking, skiing, and cooking. He likes indie rock, playing the guitar, silly movies and isn’t a huge lover of the outdoors (but is making a genuine effort for me and it’s growing on him). I like smelly cheese and healthy food, he likes pizza. We are of different faiths and backgrounds.

Overlap: travel, our dog, exploring our city. But most of all: valuing hard work, being passionate about our (very different) careers, compassion, family values, wanting kids, caring about our loved ones, genuinely respecting each other, wanting the same things from a relationship, believing in open communication and transparency.

I previously was married to someone who was similar to me in all the ways (hobbies, background, professional interests, politics, etc) except what mattered: we really didn’t want the same things in life and we just weren’t very nice to each other somehow. I took me so long to understand that because we were basically the same person, right? So we had to be on the same path? It led to a traumatic divorce, and these days I just feel so blessed to have met someone who is with me on all the big stuff, no matter what our small differences are.

Reply

Elisa

Reply to Emma

August 20, 2020 2:39 pm

I completely relate to this – even the differences/overlap are almost identical for my husband and I. I used to worry (and sometimes still do) that we should have more in common. I’ve wished that he would love books as much as I do, or that he would share my affinity for political commentary. But in our 9 years of marriage I’ve grown to appreciate and respect the parts of our Venn diagram that don’t overlap. His interests have opened my inner and outer world to so many things I had never paid attention to. It’s also taught me to more deeply appreciate and honor my own interests, to savor and protect the things that make me, me.

Reply

Em

Reply to Emma

August 20, 2020 3:11 pm

Hi Emma — thank you for this comment! Lately, I think often about the ways my partner and I are different, and sometimes I secretly wish he liked more of the things that I like. Why is he obsessed with podcasts about fringe film rather than those on the political issues defining our time?!

BUT! Who cares?! We have the same values, and like your partner, mine is making an effort in some areas so get on the same page as me (season tickets to the philharmonic, for example :)) and I with him (mountain biking, anyone?)

This was such a great reminder that even if a lot of things are shared on the interests/hobbies side, it doesn’t matter if the shared values aren’t there. Time to be extra grateful for the kind, thoughtful, family-oriented man I have got!

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Bec

August 20, 2020 2:03 pm

This is so cute! My husband and I are both musicians, but I am classical and he is jazz. Honestly, I love that he is in a different genre because we get to learn from each other and feel like the expert in our own specialty!

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Molly Aaker

August 20, 2020 2:01 pm

Wow, this is such a wonderful post. I’m currently working with a dating coach, and she talks a lot about finding someone with shared values vs. shared interests or checking off various boxes. And this really makes one think about how we could be closing ourselves up to something beautiful by seeing our differences in interests as a negative over something that can enrich our lives as a couple. Thanks!

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Laura

Reply to Molly Aaker

August 20, 2020 2:44 pm

YES! YES! Molly, I’m cheering you on.

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Elizabeth

Reply to Molly Aaker

August 20, 2020 5:52 pm

I would love to hear more about your experience working with a dating coach! Especially how you figured out who to work with and what a fair rate would be – I’m extremely curious but every time I’ve ended up on the website for someone deemed a dating coach, it seems kind of scammy? But I know there are legit ones out there, hence my interest in this kind of experience!

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Ruth

August 20, 2020 1:59 pm

Our overlap (known each other 21 years, together 15 years, married 7 — have two adorable, spunky daughters!) is everything except the following: ability to clean the bathroom (he is a master), enjoyment that comes from washing dishes (again, him), height (we are over a foot apart!), and the pace at which we read (me voraciously, him like molasses).

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Taylor

August 20, 2020 1:59 pm

overlap:

-Shared future! On our first real date I told him that my last relationship ended because my ex didn’t want kiddos–I really wanted kids, he told me he also really wanted kids, when we were dating and before we had our daughter we would love to idealize what we want to do as parents, what kind of parents we think we’d be, what we’d like to instill and show our kids, now we’ve only been parents for 4 weeks and while the sleep deprivation and hormones makes us feel like we don’t really do anything other than feed her and google if we’re messing up, I feel like we parent differently but fill in each other’s gaps (I am the chatty/stimulating/anxious parent, he is the calm/organized parent)

–Curious! We both like to explore and learn things and are both pretty good out of making a day of going somewhere new and telling each other our observations, that’s like my perfect day, going anywhere with him and just acknowledging things haha

-FOOD! we’re both good eaters and had our wedding at our favorite restaurant so we could have our dream menu–shared love of food is also why we had our honeymoon in…..

–Japan! Sushi + baths + booze + nature + exploration–thank god we went before I got pregnant

–Collecting! We both hoard mementos and love framing little tchotchkes from our time together

–Politics/morals–we’re on the same exact wavelengths in terms of beliefs which is a relief, no petty arguments trying to convince the other of something important–we’ve both had that in past relationships and marvel at how much we agree despite being so different

different:
–personality: I am very loud, he is very quiet, I am very anxious but confident, he has less confidence but can google something and learn it immediately, I am not artsy/creative and he is artsy (good at instruments, drawing, creating/coding), I am jealous!
–hobbies: he loves video games and animation (I like them because he does but it’s his domain!) and I love tiki bars and tiki mugs and planning trips
–background: I’m from a loud, southern Californian Jewish family, he’s from a big pacific islander family–we have zero shared traditions but it is fun to start to build our own hybrids!!

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Ren

Reply to Taylor

August 20, 2020 5:21 pm

Taylor this part of your comment – “…making a day of going somewhere new and telling each other our observations, that’s like my perfect day, going anywhere with him and just acknowledging things.”
This is EXACTLY what I am like with my husband. Did you see that bird? Look at the rock! Ha I am essentially like a big kid when I’m out somewhere new with him.

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Rue

August 20, 2020 1:56 pm

I was basically wrong about love my whole life until I had lunch with the handsome human who’s hopefully going to be my fiance in a few months. I used to think it was a good sign if I felt so excited to meet the other person that I was almost in a panic. My boyfriend of ten years made me feel panic-excited and I thought at the time that it was sweet, that it meant we were destined for great things.

A few months before I met my person, I had a date I thought was Perfect because I got that familiar panic-excited feeling, and then the dude ghosted me for our second date, and really, thank goodness. I remember walking out of a work meeting, checking my phone, seeing no response, the sunlight too bright as I trudged to the parking lot, the crunch of the gravel sidewalk, another Friday alone. It crystalized that panic-feeling for me, and made me start to question whether it was actually a good sign.

Fast forward a few months and I felt… I can’t even describe it now. Comfort-happy? On the first date with my partner I felt calm, comfortable, interested, and like I could be on this date forever. No need to break so I could breathe into a paper bag.

So yes, I have less “on paper” in common with my partner than with The Ghoster, but if 2020 has taught me anything, it’s that it doesn’t matter who wants to watch what on TV, or play what music in the car. It matters that you want to be stuck in a squat little rental house together for perhaps eternity and feel like you could do that forever, no panic breaks needed. Or, well, I’m panicking about our engagement, but when I actually talk to him about it, the panic subsides.

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