Design

Have a Lovely Weekend.

Bread photo by Yossy Arefi

What are you up to this weekend? We’re going to see the documentary 63 Up tonight (Have you seen the Up series? It’s so good), and tomorrow we’re dressing up for a holiday party. Hope you have a good one, and here are a few fun links from around the web…

My gift picks at Catbird. (Love all they do!)

Reader’s block.

Every time we travel, I think about this article, haha.

We played this game last weekend and really loved it.

A beautiful way to use apples.

The top 10 shows of 2019. (New Yorker)

This year, for the first time, New York City Ballet’s Nutcracker has a black Marie. (NYTimes)

Also, this dancer getting instructions from her coach. (Don’t suffer with your eyebrows!)

Frozen II is really about climate change. Also, Olaf is a gem.

A loving question to ask your partner.

Plus, two reader comments:

Says Flannery on a weekly relationship ritual: “Some of the best advice I ever got was from the mom of a family I used to babysit. As she rolled her eyes after her husband put the kids’ lunch boxes away in the wrong spot for the millionth time, she said to me, ‘There are roommate issues and there are relationship issues and you should never mix up which is which.’ I think about this ALL THE TIME.”

Says Katie on one thing I always do at family gatherings: “Growing up, I always got invited to go to the bank with my grammy when we were visiting my grandparents. She would chat with everyone and let me press buttons on the ATM and pick up deposit slips so I could play ‘bank’ once we got home. I treasure the memories of this little errand over the years. Just getting to do something ordinary with a family member you don’t see all the time can feel really exciting as a kid.”

Side note: For my fellow grammar nerds, apologies that the quotation marks are messed up on mobile right now! We’re working on it!

(Photo by Yossy Arefi. Frozen article via Erin.)

  1. Winnie says...

    My best advice to newlyweds (women) is: Dont start by taking on too much. It may seem fun in the beginning but you will probably get tired of being the only one who cooks, cleans, buy gifts for his side of family, etc…
    Even if you can enjoy being homemaker, you will want a resourceful partner once you have kids..
    Trust me.

    • Lisa says...

      THIS!!!!!! Oh how I wish I’d known!!!!! You are 10000% right, Winnie.

  2. Leanne says...

    I found the climate change conversation around Frozen II interesting. I saw it yesterday with the kids and the message I took from it was more about reconciliation and the mistakes/failings of our ancestors. There’s so much conversation about how we should not be held responsible for our long-ago ancestors treating First Nations poorly, but Anna and Elsa took responsibility for theirs and showed how it’s better for the world when we listen/cooperate fully rather trying to undercut each other. The spirits of earth, land, air, water are the pillars of many Indigenous cultures. Of course this also relates to climate change, but for me, the message was making it right when you find out that people who you loved/came from were “the bad guy.”

  3. Heather says...

    I read this a few days ago and came back to comment because I can’t stop thinking about Flannery’s quote on advice! I’ve definitely been lumping “roommate issues” in with “relationship issues” and this has completely changed my perspective.

    • Heather D says...

      Another Heather here who is in complete agreement. This is going to be a game changer for my marriage. I get SO irritated with my husband daily on little things that really are roommate issues!

    • Mei says...

      I totally agree! But now I need advice on how to tackle “roommate issues” with my spouse.

  4. Eleanor C Greene says...

    This is random but I’d love a roundup from Cup of Jo on beautiful wall calendars I can hang in my office in 2020! Thank you.

  5. Ashley K says...

    Thanks Cup of Jo! Does someone mind sharing what that “Loving Question” is? The link is no longer available and dying to learn :)

    • Joanna Goddard says...

      oh yes! it was asking your partner “how can i love you better today?” xo

  6. Olivia says...

    Omg the relationship comment. It really struck a chord with me that since having a baby, a lot of my gripes are actually roommate ones, not relationship ones, and it helped put things in perspective. I told my husband about it and he more or less made a joke about it and I figured it meant more to me than him.

    (Embarrassing) I later texted him and said “roommate issue: I cleaned the hinges on the toilet with a q tip. Kindly do not urinate on that area.” The poor guy got sick and was throwing up later on in the day. Came down to chat and says “don’t worry, I cleaned it up. I’m trying to be a good roommate.”

    😭😭😭

    Sorry if this story is completely disgusting but I have a feeling most can relate!

    • Madison says...

      The loving question link isn’t working! What is it?? Dying to know.

  7. JulieB says...

    I’m British and the Up series is a national institution. It’s so insightful into so many aspects of British life. I actually worked with one of the participants many years ago – one of the public school boys who said at 7 he was going to be a solicitor. He did and was a really lovely person. The BBC started a similar series a few years ago called Child Of Our Time which is more scientific in its approach.

  8. Cynthia says...

    Joanna, I like your Catbird choices, especially the cygnet ring and the pencil sharpener. The cygnet ring looks like a family heirloom. On the other hand, I enjoy wearing jewelry, and I probably have too much., but I have inherited so many of my pieces.

  9. Katharine says...

    This is such a random thing, but I always admire where you choose to place the hyperlinks within the items in these Friday posts! It’s funny how a little bit of extra thoughtfulness in even small administrative decisions can make big a difference. <3

    • Joanna Goddard says...

      That’s so nice of you to say/notice! :)

  10. My husband claims to have never had eggnog before so we are trying that this weekend together!!

  11. Ashley says...

    ‘A Loving Question’ was a gem!! Thank you for sharing and everything you do xoxoxoxoxo

  12. Amanda says...

    I’m going to be honest, it seems like there’s this huge emphasis (on cup of jo and elsewhere) on women letting go of small injustices at home, accepting our partners, not nagging them. Flannerys comment and the Love Experiment article are both good examples.

    But I want to push back on that a bit.

    The reality is that, even among progressive couples, in hetero relationships, women are doing more. We’re doing all the unglamorous work of making a relationship and family work. Emotional labor, household labor – there’s so much research, and so much anecdata, showing that women are still doing more than men.

    And it’s exhausting. It impacts our careers and our ability to be emotionally present for others. When men don’t do their share, it means we have to pick up the slack. Or we have to nag them into doing their share. Or we have to deal with the fallout of whatever they haven’t done, which might be minor or major, but it all adds up.

    So I want to push back on the idea that there are roommate issues and relationship issues. I don’t think they’re fully separable. If your husband is a bad roommate, I do actually think that is a relationship issue.

    Let’s stop guilting women for having a logical emotional reaction to an unjust situation, please. Instead of telling women to ask their husbands how they can love them better, lets maybe suggest that men in hetero relationships ask women what they can do better. That was all I could think reading that live experiment article. If your husband totally drops the ball and you’re left trying to juggle everything, I don’t think the problem is how you react. I think the problem is that HE needs to ask YOU how he can do better.

    Signed, a very exhausted women who is tired of being told I need to smile

    • Rida says...

      Thank you for saying this. I feel the same way!

    • Lisa says...

      THANK YOU. If you try to communicate a roommate issue like an adult to your husband and it can’t be resolved, then it IS a relationship issue. People with mature spouses who care enough to listen, can’t imagine what it feels like to not be in that situation. But if you are in that situation, it is horrible. And believe me, the marriage doesn’t start off that way. I’ve tried it all and I’m about to be done. For others who are struggling, some of us totally get it and we see you.

    • Genevieve Martin says...

      I agree the linked article was very one sided, I was surprised noone seemed to ask her back!!! Women are far too often expected to do all the emotional work and not “nag”, which to this day I’ve never heard used in relation to a man.
      Caroline’s originally essay was very much two sided I thought though, both people would have the opportunity to give and take pointers and the whole idea was to raise issues rather than just put up with them.

    • Kalie says...

      Big yes on this

    • Karen says...

      Wow, I totally appreciate this reaction to the roommate/husband quote!

      And yes, roommate issues can (and do!) easily morph into relationship issues, as the home/household is probably the most powerful marriage facet – you’re both “in it” every day. For those wives who have to nag their husbands to participate in the ecosystem of the home – it’s time to have a talk. If us women can be successful CEOs, Project Managers, Shift Leads, etc., then we can figure out how to get the help we need to make the household run without doing it all ourselves. After all, isn’t that what makes a good manager (or anyone else in charge) – you align your staff so the place runs without you being there and without you doing everything. I think it took me two solid years of marriage to realize AND ACCEPT that men don’t see a full kitchen trash can as ready to be emptied, they think that means you need to push down the trash so there’s more room. So put on your manager hat, and politely ask “Hey babe, can you please take out the trash any time before you go to work this morning?”….

      Now that I’m in my early 40s, full-time small biz owner, wife, mother of two grade school-aged children, homeowner, etc. – I have truly seen firsthand how us women really do RULE THE WORLD. Next to most every “successful man”, you know there’s most likely a woman present, helping him get out the door in the mornings, reminding him of his daughter’s school play on Wed night, meal-planning for the family. And if you don’t want to / can’t handle it all, then delegate. If you need support, get it. And if you’re not getting it after you ask, then seek counseling, hire a housekeeper, stop doing his laundry, assign him dinner planning a few nights, etc. But YOU have to be conscious of this, and remind yourself that you are your home’s HBIC.

      I realized this a few years ago, how we hold so much power in the home and how we’re absolutely crucial to the health of the homelife. And that makes me smile inside. And, with my 7 and 6 year old children, and my ever-busy work week to too-short weekends, I know some day all of this will slow down……and I will miss this.

    • Dee says...

      I so wholeheartedly agree with this.

    • Jen says...

      This! Thank you

    • Joanna Goddard says...

      Amanda, I really agree with your point, so well said. Thank you.

    • Melissa says...

      THIS THIS THIS. I have been thinking about this all weekend and came here to post something similar

    • Sadie says...

      “If your husband is a bad roommate, I do actually think that is a relationship issue.”

      How I wish I had seen this years ago! I would definitely add, “If you explain your wishes about roommate issues to your husband, and he doesn’t care at all and is incredibly defensive and dismissive, you have a SERIOUS relationship issue.”

    • Eli says...

      I completely agree! Does anyone have any tips on how to deal with this?

    • Agnes says...

      Big problem with this (‘HE needs to..’) is that it shifts into blame, which is a dead end street, and also shifts into trying to control another person. Which is impossible. I get setting boundaries, though, for sure. The only person anyone can control is themselves.

    • Anna says...

      Loved Amanda’s comment. I agree that men need to do more, and simultaneously feel women need to do less and expect less of each other and ourselves as moms.

      Over the couple years, after finding myself in a post-partum depression, I streamlined some things in my mom lifestyle as I was in severe overwhelm and mental crisis. For example, I started giving Amazon e-gift cards for every kids’ birthday (versus wrapped presents). I decided I would no longer volunteer for daycare-related activities (always happy to make a donation or buy something electronically – because I work outside the home this way of giving works for me). We also eat in shifts, buffet style as a family, because I do not cook nightly dinner.

      I feel radical saying those few things (there are more!) out loud here because I know they don’t fit the cultural “mom” expectations, but they’re true and letting go of them helped to save my sanity.

      I’ve also – with the help of therapy – learned to say YES to things that fill me up (long walks alone in the woods, cooking for pleasure, spending time in my garden). When I’m saying “yes”, there’s just simply less mental space for all the other things.

      Sure, some details get lost in the shuffle. I’ve decided those details don’t matter. The insufferable to-do list will crush your spirit, if you let it.

      The reward for me has been being more emotionally full and present with my kids. Instead of grinding through bedtime routines, I may have a spontaneous dance party with my girls. On those nights they may go to sleep in their school clothes or not brush their teeth. Will their teeth rot? Maybe. Still waiting for a good answer on why we care so much about baby teeth anyway though. ;) More importantly: Will they forever remember how close and alive we all felt together when we were dancing? I really, really hope so.

      A few books / resources that have helped me over the last few years:

      “The Power of a Positive No,” William Ury
      “Drop the Ball,” Tiffany Duru
      “Don’t Carpe Diem,” Glennon Doyle
      “I Know How She Does It,” Laura Vanderkam
      “Cribsheet: A Data-Driven Guide to Better, More Relaxed Parenting,” Emily Oster

      Would love to hear what other moms are doing to do less. :) Love this community.

    • Quinn says...

      Yes! This! And also going to see if my library has the books Anna recommended.

    • Tara says...

      Just another voice of agreement Amanda! You said eloquently exactly how I feel. Thank you!

    • Christina says...

      Anna: We care about baby teeth because rotten baby teeth will infect the permanent teeth, so that they risk coming up rotten. Apart from that, I fully agree with you. We need to do less and expect less. Often the hardest judges on what a woman does aren’t men but other women.

  13. Nina says...

    Not only on mobile! They are weird blobs in Firefox on a MacBook too…

    • Joanna Goddard says...

      Thank you!

  14. Hannah says...

    Yay!!! I’m so excited to hear that 63 Up is out!

  15. Becca says...

    Maria Khoreva! I saw her dance in La Bayadere a couple of months ago and she was divine!

  16. Deanna says...

    That grammar sidenote! Gosh, I love you guys!! Also, Emily Nussbaum is spectacular and that quote from Flannery is an absolute gem. Happy Weekend!

  17. Megan Poole says...

    I have been a longtime lover of cupofjo and your Friday posts!! I have been disappointed lately though, as there always seems to be an American amazon link, and the link to the American site doesn’t work for me here in Canada (automatically goes through the app, which just redirects to the US home page after changing country). Not sure if this has been said/if you realize the issue, but hoping you could try to incorporate links more easily accessible to those of us outside the US :)

    • Michelle says...

      I also live in Canada!! You can order through amazon USA or Canada (you just pay in American dollars if it’s through the American amazon. I have ordered through the American amazon links! If it helps I’ve only ever ordered off my laptop, not through the app?

    • Kerri says...

      I think the issue is that she can’t see what the page/product even was because it automatically redirects to the homepage instead of the linked one (which usually doesn’t have the exact name of the item so you can’t look it up on your own either).

    • Megan says...

      Thanks Kerri, that’s exactly the issue :)

  18. anne says...

    errg I wish I didn’t read the Top 10 Shows… hoping it didn’t give away any Jane the Virgin as I am making my way through the seasons now!!

  19. Sarah says...

    WHAT 63 UP IS OUT?! OMG OMG OMG STOP THE PRESSESSSS

    CANCEL WEEKEND PLANS OMG

  20. Nicole says...

    Oh man, that McSweeney’s link cracked me up. When I overhear my husband’s work calls, I’m like, what language are you speaking?! The jargon is just too funny. Also, my 2 year old has taken to saying, “I have to hop on a call!”

    And, the Catbird pieces- LOVE! Added the threadbare ring to my wishlist.

  21. JenniferinAustin says...

    whoa. Flannery’s comment is golden. whoa. What a freaking reframe. Thank you.

  22. Joyce says...

    Thich Nhat Hanh is amazing. For those who like the quote, I recommend the books “How to Love” or Being Peace. In May, I visited his monastery in France!! :) A beautiful, peaceful place.

  23. Lindsay Jameyson says...

    I have never felt more seen as a reader of this blog – Side note: For my fellow grammar nerds… ha! :)

    • Joanna Goddard says...

      Hahaha :)

    • agnes says...

      I think it’s fixed, “fellow grammar nerds”. Have a great week end.

    • agnes says...

      Oh My God, no it’s not! sorry.

  24. Sarah says...

    I was JUST thinking about the Up series earlier this week and trying to calculate when the next one would be out. I’m so happy they continue to make these!

  25. Meghan says...

    Roommate issues vs. relationship issues. This BLEW. MY. MIND. As an only child who lived alone for 8 years before moving in with my now husband and two step-kids and two dogs (it was a lot all at once), I mean, I can’t even relay how much this clarifies things.

    • Alex Pearl says...

      Same here. That’s what I thought when I read that….mind blown. Roommate v. Relationship. I’ve been living with this man for 12 years and we have two kids and 2 businesses and that might have just changed our relationship or at least the way I think about it. God bless Cup of Jo readers and I don’t believe in God.

  26. Milou says...

    A perfect round-up! Thank you (and your team) for all you do each and every week :-)

    • Joanna Goddard says...

      What a lovely comment. Thank you for being here!

  27. Briana Lee says...

    I somehow didn’t know 63 Up was out yet! I haven’t seen all of them, but I just love the concept of this series.

  28. Rita Dantas says...

    I always thought representation mattered in some way, but I just saw my own fat fingers on the example pictures for the rings on Catbird and it made such a huge difference – I could imagine how it would look much better, but also, I felt so seen!

  29. Lauren E. says...

    Wow, that Love Experiment article. I would also be terrified of the answer people would give me. But the whole article had me in tears! What a great piece.

  30. Beth says...

    I was looking through the archives for gift ideas, and I found an old post where Joanna says she doesn’t wear jewelry!

    It gives me hope that maybe I could learn to wear jewelry too one day.

    • Joanna Goddard says...

      Catbird has such small lovely pieces that are easy to wear. That’s how I found my way to jewelry :)

  31. Emily says...

    That article about the loving question for the ones you love is so beautiful, I needed a moment at the end to just live in it. I can’t wait to think about this over the weekend and start asking those around me how I can love them better.

    • Andrea R says...

      The “loving question” link does not work anymore. Please fix! I am so curious after Emily’s comment.

    • Joanna Goddard says...

      I think we crashed their site! It should be back up tomorrow once the initial wave of traffic goes down.

    • Rezia says...

      Throughout our marriage, I have made it a habit to regularly ask my husband “is there any way I can be a better wife for you?” which is more or less the same question.
      Often I ask it in a serious, sit-down-checking-in moment, but sometimes I also ask it lightly, which is not to say I am being flippant, but now that we’ve established that this is a thing that we ask each other, it has become less and less of an awkward question — so maybe my husband will say, “honey, you didn’t close the front door properly again,” and I’ll apologize for that, and use the opportunity immediately to say, “Oh, and is there anything else I can be doing to be a better wife to you?” — and he always asks it back.
      Like the author of that article, it’s both helped us to learn how to be there for each other more, and also freed me of some of my worries (as it turns out, 90% of the time my husband’s response is, “nothing! you’re great! I love you!” and I’m over the moon, after having been stressing out that I’ve been a bad partner because I’ve been busy or sick, etc.)

  32. cate says...

    Don’t mind me, just a pregnant lady over here salivating at that bread picture :) I can practically hear the crunch and crackle when you cut through the crust.

    • Joanna Goddard says...

      Haha same! And congratulations!

    • Cynthia says...

      Me too! I love bread, especially bread with a good crust!

    • Owl says...

      Not pregnant, but totally with you! Lol! That picture just makes me want to bite into a buttery piece of bread with a good crust!

  33. Celeste says...

    I am watching kids so a mom and dad can Christmas shop, I’m getting a sitter for my hubs and I to do some shopping, and my daughter’s 12th birthday is Sunday! And I’ve done a lot of thinking about couple disagreements and talks. Probably 90% of the stuff mentioned would not bother me and I’m happy day to day. But it makes me think what may bothers Hubs. It’s so meta.

  34. Anna Vitale says...

    Flannery – that is so wise and I love it! Thank you for sharing. Maybe I’ll put this one on our fridge. :)

    • Celeste says...

      Aren’t they one and the same?

    • Ana D says...

      The way I see it is, some issues are unique to living with someone, some issues are unique to romantic relationships, and some issues overlap. It’s a Venn diagram. Being really clear on the fact that people just have different experiences and expectations with cohabitation (even if they weren’t romantically involved) helps me reduce the intensity with which I respond to “I have to work this out with every roommate I’ve ever had” issues. There isn’t a RIGHT WAY to live in a house with another person – it has to be communicated and worked out, no matter how in love the cohabitants are with each other. To me, that’s what this is getting at.

  35. em says...

    ‘There are roommate issues and there are relationship issues and you should never mix up which is which.’

    i needed this reminder, thank you!

  36. Teddy says...

    Random comment, but would love an updated NYC City Guide! (Or a Brooklyn city guide!) — A long-time reader