One Thing I Always Do at Family Gatherings

My sister in law took me to Costco when we were visiting last week and let me take full advantage of bulk deals. And we chatted about so many things and even sat in the driveway afterwards til we got cold. We talked about so many important things that couldn’t have been adequately discussed with all the kids and everyone else around. Dates are good for marriages, children and family relationships!

My sisters and I always go for a walk together. It’s the only way we can have interrupted conversations.

This made me tear up. I wish I could do this with either of my parents. It’s hard when you come from a very broken family. I would love to have a mom or dad I could spend 1:1 time with, but they will never be the type of people I can do this with – they hurt me too much over my lifetime for me to move past that pain. I am learning to cope and working on accepting it, but it’s a hard pill to swallow. I hope one day I can have a child that wants to do this with me so I can rewrite history.

On another note, I would love to see more posts that address family from all walks of life – not everyone has relationships like this. Especially this time of year, the holidays are hard for a lot of people. It would be cool to see some content around tactics for surviving the holidays with family, setting boundaries, etc., or posts that offer insight from therapists on how to cope.

My mom and I have been using gift wrapping as our holiday time together. It’s cozy and Christmas-y and makes perfect sense why other fam can’t be around – can’t ruin the surprise!

Oh my gosh, you put this so well THANK YOU. Parenting is so hard!

One aspect of parenthood that I wasn’t expecting was the loss of connection and quality time with my parents. I see them each twice a week, but my toddlers are always there and my brain is frazzled; it’s too hard to have quality time and a good conversation. My husband and I work opposite shifts and I am in school, so it’s been so hard to get away for brunch with mom or dad. But, I really need alone time with them! Thanks for posting this, I think this will be my new year’s goal…to get one on one time with them.

i often feel the same way at big family gatherings (we had 33 for thanksgiving so it’s pretty big!). we played a super easy game this year that made me feel like the group actually connected together and everyone got a moment of attention. here it is: give everyone a blank sheet of paper and put out some colored pencils or markers. Everyone has to draw a turkey but not put their name on it. then after dinner, hold each one up and everyone has to write down their guess as to who drew it.

so simple, but i think we actually learned stuff about each other, like that my cousin’s daughter is a pretty good artist! and there’s always someone with a slightly naughty twist (just my family?). It gets everyone laughing as the guesses and the rationale come out. Kids and adults can play together…it was a big hit and could be done for any season!

Growing up, I always got invited to go to the bank with my Grammy when we were visiting my grandparents. I loved going to the bank with her! She would chat with everyone and sometimes let me press buttons on the ATM and pick up as many forms & envelopes as I wanted (deposit slips, etc.) so I could play ‘bank’ once we got home. I treasure the memories of this little errand over the years…sometimes it doesn’t need to be an exciting special thing, just getting to do something ordinary with a family member you don’t see all the time can feel really exciting as a kid.

I’m home visiting my parents this week and it’s so nice to carve out that one-on-one time. My mom and I got coffee this morning and my dad and I are going to a movie tonight ❤️

This is great advice! My sister and I live in the same city and whenever my mom visits the three of us go out to dinner together on her last night visiting. We both have small children so we often don’t get an opportunity to truly connect without being distracted or interrupted while she’ here, but we all look forward to our dinner tradition where we can chitchat and laugh and take a load off, just the three of us.

Goodness, I love this idea! Time always seems to go by way too fast during the holiday season, but this is a great way to slow down and really absorb relationships with those closest to us. I also really needed to hear the “kid tip.” My daughter is 2.5 y/o, and I need to make stopping to get on her level more of a priority rather than brushing her off and getting upset about her normal behaviors.

This is wonderful and so special to have that one on one time with another.
My fondest memory of the last summer I spent with my mother was staying home with her while my husband and kids went to a family party. The two of us instead watched lifetime movies and ordered takeout. We talked about how implausible the stories were and gossiped during commercial breaks. It was the best and now that she’s gone, a part of me is still with her curled up on the sofa scanning takeout menus.
You realise how valuable it is to carve out time with those closest to you because it’s the memory of those commonplace things you’ve done together that keep the presence of their spirits with you when they’re far away or no longer here.

This post just solidified my thoughts on spending time with now high-school/college sisters! Each is so beautifully unique that I just want to soak up all the time I can with them listening and learning who they are.

Up next: plan four “20 minutes” over the Christmas holiday, unique to them. Thank you!

I really needed to hear this! Our girls are 4 1/2 and 2 and my oldest gets wild – of course when we’re not paying attention to her. It makes us upset but reading this makes me realize that her behavior is totally normal and we should re-engage to help ground her. It’s hard to not be able to take a moment and do something not kid related for YEARS on end. But I guess that’s how it goes? Thanks Jo :)

My sisters and I have started to forgo giving each other any presents on our birthdays and instead travel to visit each other and hang out! We go shopping, get pedis or manis and do lunch/dinner. It is so fun to give the gift of time and strength our relationships.

Thank you… coming off a wonderful and intense Thanksgiving hosting family, I couldn’t put my finger on why I felt so depleted and sad. So many people, but I didn’t really feel connected. I know I need that, so I’m going to clear the afternoon just for fun and being together with my son.

Joanna, you’ve posted about your dad before, but I’ve always thought you looked more like your mom. In this photo I see the resemblance! He has the same caring eyes as you.

Thanks for sharing and reminding us to treasure those special times. I would give anything to have my dad back for a dinner date or a stroll or 20 quiet minutes together. Xo

As a teacher, “extra” time is rarely a luxury, but I think I’ve been using a version of this to manage my more attention seeking students for years. It doesn’t always work, but sometimes if you can connect and give a little extra attention in the classroom, it helps with I individual students, which changes the general class behavior as well.

This Thanksgiving, I washed dishes while my 12 year old nephew dried. We had the most fascinating conversations about subjects he was an expert in, and it really was the best thing ever.

I think about this all the time!

I envy these family relationships. I just don’t have this friendship-like connection with any member of my immediate family. Now with a daughter of my own, I want so much to build that connection with her throughout our lives. I’m often thinking about what creates each dynamic. I think honesty and vulnerability are important. My parents (definitely my dad) tried too hard to be proper/right/respected, so there’s always been a wall there.

I’ve noticed friends of divorced parents tend to be very close to one or both (even calling a parent their best friend, which I cannot fathom) and I wonder if it had to do with that baring of emotions that inevitably comes up.

Would love to know what’s nurtured that kind of closeness for others.

This is such a good point. I flew around the world to see my Dad for his birthday in Perth, Australia from San Francisco. There were 9 of us out there, which was really special, but I spent 2 weeks out there and never felt like I got a minute just with my father, which was a real shame. By the end of the trip, I felt like a child for not getting enough attention from Dad and sad at the same time. For our last meal, I actually asked if I could sit next to him but my step-mother still took a lot of his time. Wish I had thought of doing this! Families are tricky :)

Joanna, I see your boys in your dad’s face :)

Seven years ago, my husband and I got married on December 23. So many people were shocked that we would want to get married so close to Christmas. They said we would never have an opportunity to celebrate our anniversary by ourselves. In fact, we have found our anniversary to be the perfect excuse for alone time during the busy holiday season!

I love this idea, too! And will keep in my back pocket for future family gatherings. On a completely unrelated note, do you ever wonder how many times you’ve appeared in the background of a stranger’s photos? Like the two women in the background on either side of your dad?! And I’d especially love to know what’s being said by the companion of the woman to the left. Am I the only one who thinks about these kinds of things??! ;)