1. Katie says...

    Nope. I’m quite certain everyone is mad at me. Don’t know why. But I know they are. :)

  2. Nina says...

    I love this times a million. oh so true! Was it Eleanor Roosevelt who said: people think of you far less than you think of them.

  3. Stephanie says...

    haha to true.
    Although sometimes I worry that the wrong people take this message to heart! Like, the people who are genuinely kind and considerate but also anxious think “yeah, probably true, but also i’m so worried that my friend is secretly upset about that situation….” and can’t get over it.
    And then the people who are rude and inconsiderate and genuinely have offended and bothered the people around them think “yep, no one is upset by my behaviour” and go about their lives feeling peachy!

  4. liz says...

    whoops sorry for the typos!

  5. Gina Dwyer says...

    Guilty. We should probably look at this illustration weekly as a helpful reminder? ;)

  6. Jess. says...

    Does this link work?
    https://www.instagram.com/p/Baccss5FXgV/

    Anyway, it’s Neal Brennan, on Chrissy Teigen’s Instagram page, singing a little ditty called “Nobody’s Mad at You,” It kind of changed my life. The lyrics are:
    Nobody’s mad at you,
    Nobody’s mad at you,
    You’re having a private experience.
    Nobody’s mad at you,
    Nobody’s mad at you,
    Nobody really give a f***

    Priceless. (If you can’t see it and you want to find it on Insta, it’s in October of 2017.) xox

    • Deni G says...

      JESS. SAYS… –I laughed for real out loud, and then saved it as fast as my fingers could fly! This will be my new PMS theme song. Thanks a billion! :)

  7. Jenny Rosenstrach says...

    This is about to become my new screensaver.

    • Gina Dwyer says...

      GREAT idea!

  8. I love this. When I feel like this, I always remember Brené Brown’s talk where she said that in a conflict with her husband, she approached it by saying, “The story I’m making up in my head is that….” I love this way of thinking and have used it in my personal life because I want my loved one to know how I’m feeling, but also acknowledging that my perception might be skewed.

  9. Martina says...

    Its funny (and it sucks) how we have this neural programming that sets off automatically at the threat of something.

    For me, its that someone doesn’t like me. They find nothing so intriguing about me to engage further. Or even after engaging once, they do not remember a thing if we are together again.

    I now find it easier to assume they aren’t interested right away vs teeter on the precipice of the possibility we could be good friends one day.

    I know I could be more proactive and persistent and OPTIMISTIC. I could ask for a coffee, lunch, or drinks and engage despite the lack of outward signs of interest. Unfortunately, the ratio of failures to success is just to great.

    So now its just automatic and I plod along. I conserve energy this way.

  10. Molly says...

    it me!

  11. joana says...

    hi joanna!
    i, too, am like you, and this post resonated with me a lot because of something my therapist told me once…
    we were in session and she gave me homework for the week after: i was to think about what it meant to be self-centered and bring every single idea for next session.
    so i did. everything i came up with was, of course, negative. being self-centered, for me, was very close to being selfish, egotistical, narcissistic, the works.
    then we discussed it, and i ended up realizing that the point of all of this was to show me that i was self-centered. me! i’m not selfish, or egotistical, or narcissistic, i’m always worried about everyone (even more so that about me), and i’m self-centered? how? and then i understood. to be self-centered is to make something about you when it’s not. good or bad. and i was like that, A LOT, exactly like the diagram from above.
    but this thought, this realization, really changed how i view things. and now i can rationalize more often, i manage to tell myself “did you do anything? no. so it’s not about you.” and really mean it. and it’s really awesome, actually :)
    so i decided to comment in case this helps you or anyone else too!

  12. katie says...

    The second my therapist told me people aren’t judging me nearly as much as I think they are, a weight was lifted. My mind shifted from “is he mad at me/did I upset her?” to “they are dealing with their own shit that has nothing to do with me.” My energy is now spent on more important things, like making sure people have access to places like Planned Parenthood and what am I making for dinner.

    • Ever since I became a mother, and I don’t know why, but this is just the way my mind works now. I just like focusing my energy on being positive and trying to be kind to people, because at the end of the day, who wants to spend time worrying if others like them?

  13. Brittany says...

    I’ve never resonated with something so much in my life. Whhhhhhhhy does my brain work like this? It’s exhausting.

  14. Jackie says...

    I really appreciate this. I grew up with my parents being upset all the time. It’s been hard for me to not be paranoid about the lurking, inevitable anger/disappointment/not-good-enough sense. It took years of being with my very calm and kind husband to realize that I was tensing up every time I heard him coming because I feared him being upset with me, which he never was. Sigh. Therapy!

    • Ro says...

      I relate to this! I also used to assume that everyone’s natural state was one of anger. But, as it turns out, it’s not normal to blow up over small inconveniences, or to be angry every single day. Who knew?!

      I’m still in the process of learning how to relax after years of living with people who were upset all the time. You learn to walk on eggshells, and start to think of yourself as the problem. But really, it’s all about them.

    • Anna says...

      Wow as a newlywed, I realize I really relate to this :( <3

    • Jackie says...

      Ro – Yes, totally! I have kids now, so I always working on changing the cycle and not overreacting and freaking out. But it was my whole life, so it’s hard! Thanks for connecting on this xoxo

    • liz says...

      Thanks for sharing this. I relate, but hadn’t, until you posted, couldn’t put words to the issue.

    • Kris M says...

      Jackie! So glad you are figuring this out in therapy.

      Interesting…as I was reading your comment I realized I have a similar response to my husband’s footsteps. I was raised in a very productive / high work ethic family, and when I hear my husband’s footsteps I tense up and feel super guilty if he “catches” me doing something “lazy.” To the point of slamming down the book or laptop screen and grabbing a rag to pretend I’m wiping off the counter. ;-) Sounds kind of funny, but clearly I need to do some digging about why I’m afraid to be seen relaxing!!

    • Katie says...

      My parents were angry all the time too. It wasn’t about disappointment in me, they were just angry. I was so tense all the time because I never knew what would set them off. It’s hard to explain it to people. I wasn’t really abused, and I now realize that their anger wasn’t about me. I just don’t think they were happy, and probably had some untreated depression and anxiety. They’re still like that. Now they watch Fox News and it’s getting worse. Every little thing that people do that isn’t exactly like them sets them off on weeks of being upset. Like, they lose sleep over it upset. One time someone hit a deer out in the road. My dad became convinced that they did it on purpose….Let me repeat. He was convinced someone caused a lot of damage to their car on purpose and that this was somehow an FU to him.
      Sorry for the long post, but I guess I just wanted to say that I just recently got to the point where I don’t think every little thing will offend people. It’s glorious.
      I’ve also finally convinced my husband that if I’m mad at him, I will explicitly tell him when and why. Otherwise, if I’m in a pissy mood, it’s just a mood and I’m going to sit on the porch alone or go for a run or take the dogs for a walk, and then I will be fine. It’s not about him.