Three Couples on Sharing Money

When you’re in a relationship, how do you handle money? Do you have separate bank accounts and split dinner checks? Or do you mush everything together? No matter how you approach finances, a new online tool, Fabric Vault, helps you get organized and on the same page. Here, three couples reveal how they share money…

Julia and Aaron

“Julia’s the financial mastermind,” says Aaron about his wife of eight years. “Everything is shared, but she handles it all.” The couple had separate accounts when they were first married, but now they mesh all finances — including the business that they run together. “I like to know where we stand,” says Julia. They also touch base before buying anything over $100. “Last night, I wanted to get AirPods,” says Aaron, “But I was like, maybe we should talk about it first!”

Christine and Tocha

Married for seven years, Christine and Tocha share a savings account, but also have separate checking accounts and credit cards. They keep each other’s passwords written down, but they wouldn’t be easy to find. “I have a notebook at home called ‘Grandpa notebook’ in Korean, and for better or worse, it has all my passwords and information,” says Tocha. “I’m going to burn it after this post!” Meanwhile, Christine’s list of passwords is on her computer desktop. “And you know what I call it?” she laughs, shaking her head. “PASSWORDS.”

Lisa and Michael

Parents of two, Lisa and Michael have been together for 21 years — and all their money is shared. “We know everything about each other,” laughs Lisa. “We are not one of those couples where there’s mystery.” Michael handles the finances, and, although Lisa’s name is on all the accounts, she wouldn’t actually know how to access them. “If Michael died, I would be screwed,” she says. As for Michael? “If Lisa dropped dead tomorrow, I’d be like, Oh? I’m fine,” he says. “I mean, I’d be devastated for the rest of my life, and I’d be huddled in a corner, and my parents would have to move in, but I’d know where the money is.”

Did you know that over four out of ten couples would struggle to find each other’s financial information (like bank accounts and investments)? Fabric Vault is an amazing free resource for helping partners get on the same page. Vault discloses basic information to each other, like what accounts are in what bank, but lets you and your partner decide how much to share beyond that. So, it can simply mean that you have everything in one place — or it can be a great jumping-off point for financial planning. How good would it feel to say, “I know where everything is!”

How do you share money with your partner? Would you know how to access all the accounts — including bank, investment, 401(k), mortgage, life insurance, credit card, etc? Fabric Vault is such a smart and easy way to organize everything.

(Photos by Heather Moore for Cup of Jo, taken at 51st Cafe & Bakery. Wallpaper provided by Flat Vernacular. This post is sponsored by Fabric Vault. Thanks for supporting the brands that help keep Cup of Jo running.)

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Cami Avizesi

July 18, 2021 6:14pm 6:14 pm

Good Job.

cami halisi

May 1, 2020 9:18am 9:18 am

Do you have an idea of what you’d do if one of you were to stop working? I had to stop working for chronic illness and while I’m now getting back on my feet, the adjustment was harder than it needed to be because I held. so.

February 18, 2019 8:19am 8:19 am

Both joint and separate. Joint for household spending where my Wife puts money in and I spend it :-) Separate accounts for whatever we want to do ourselves. I have no income and she earns a decent amount so I have an ‘allowance’ for my own stuff. We have savings and investments and she mostly deals with that stuff for historic purposes, and I deal with the day-to-day bills etc, at least the ones which aren’t on automatic payment. We regularly talk about money and I have a fair idea what is where and how to access it (or at least who to talk to!) and we have annual meetings with our Financial Advisor together to keep track of things and make plans.

Iris

February 16, 2019 11:31am 11:31 am

My partner and I have been together for nine years, and we still keep everything having to do with finances separate—but we often have conversations about our shared future and financial goals. Basically the premise is we have the same shared purpose, but different methods of getting there. Keeping separate accounts helps each of us respect that the other has another valid way of doing things, and we each get full control over our own money that we have earned. Self-sovereignty and independence is a really important value to me, and I usually chafe at having to ask someone else for something that is already mine (this is a main reason I’m self employed! I loved the work I did but felt boxed in by having to ask someone else for earned time off).

Plus, YNAB (from another sponsored COJ post) and Profit First have made me a real money nerd! I love budgeting now, haha. My partner doesn’t care for the same level of detail in managing finances, and is kind of willfully ignorant about things like retirement planning, so I just keep plugging away so I know I’ll be fully supported when I eventually shift away from working or if something happens—and that I could potentially support him too if needed.

February 15, 2019 10:31am 10:31 am

Does anyone have views on how to combine your money if one person has debt and the other doesn’t? I am sadly the one with debt (mainly student loans) and have always felt uncomfortable with my husband being in any way responsible for that. We earn a similar amount, are newly married and he is desperate for us to start saving for our future (children, house, etc.). I have carried around my burden of debt for years now and despise talking about money (shocked that I even opened this post!) I don’t want to repeat bad behaviours I’ve seen from my parents and would love to go about sharing our money in a healthy, open way. Any advice/thoughts are welcome!

Reply to J

February 16, 2019 10:56am 10:56 am

I’m in a similar situation, though we both have pretty substantial student debt. My husband and I have kept our money officially separate (and plan to stay that way until our debts are at least halfway paid off) but we save together in one savings account (mine; he’s more likely to “borrow” from savings whereas I think of it as a vault lol). So every month, my husband Venmo’s me a designated amount for savings and I match it. I don’t know if it’s the best system but it’s allowed us to save a considerable amount this past year while still using our own separate money for our debts and whatever other personal things we want to buy. It’s kind of like an unofficial version of the “one shared account; two separate accounts” strategy!

Megan

Reply to J

February 16, 2019 2:56pm 2:56 pm

J, we had a similar situation when I went to graduate school while my husband worked. We got married right after I started and have shared all finances since. He viewed my debt as “our debt” and we are still paying it off together. We both would like to save more for the future, but agreed that it didn’t make sense to not pay off my debt as quickly as possible, so we both contribute to it now.

Reply to J

February 17, 2019 8:07am 8:07 am

My husband and I are in the same boat. We had a serious talk about it when we first combined finances, basically, this is part of our “portfolio” for better or worse. We don’t bean count over it. I try to be conscious of the fact that I brought the debt into the relationship when we are talking treats etc. (he got a new mountain bike recently, I did not). But overall, if you think about it, if you do save for your future and buy a house together, won’t that house be as much his as it is yours, even if 70% of the $$ for the down payment came from his account at the outset? Also, while most of the accounts are in my name, but my husbands manages our day to day finances, I manage dealing with the student loan company exclusively (which is hellish). So I guess from my perspective, if you are going to have integrated finances and joint property, that has to be part of it too. Is he going to leave you at home when he goes out on Friday night for a steak because you have to pay your student loan?

Jillian Kerr

Reply to J

February 17, 2019 10:54am 10:54 am

We split everything house based on our income; he makes more so he pays a higher percentage of the household costs. We have a shared checking account; but also have our own individual accounts and pay for what we want out of those. I also had a significant amount of student loans that I kind of held close to my chest because I didn’t want to burden my partner either. Finally one day he asked ‘let’s looks at your student loans and see how much it will cost you in interest to continue paying for the next 20 years.’ Ouch. So much money wasted in interest… So we decided that he would take on the burden of the household costs for 18 months or so, while I contributed what I’d been paying toward the household to my loans. I got them paid off… I thought about them weekly for years and was tormented by how little I was paying toward the principle. Honestly, this is the first relationship I’ve had where we talk about money often…and it’s not so scary when you know what is going on. Good luck to you – I hope you can get those loans paid off sooner rather than later…

Seraphim

Reply to J

February 17, 2019 2:01pm 2:01 pm

When my husband and I first moved in together 15-years ago, I had student loan debt and we had different incomes. We handled our finances by each putting the same percentage of our incomes (we found a number that made sense for us) into a joint ‘operating’ account for shared expenses (rent, utilities, groceries, etc…) This felt fair to us because our incomes weren’t equal and the same set dollar amount would impact us very differently, but the same percentage of our incomes would impact us similarly. Our car payments, student loan debt, personal credit cards, etc… were still paid by us individually. As time passed and we bought a house, had kids, paid down our debt, we flipped our model and now put all of our dual income into joint accounts, and pay ourselves ‘allowances’ that go into private, personal accounts. This model has worked really well for us. I like that the bulk of our income goes to funding our ‘family’ life, but that we still have individual fun money, too. I never have to feel guilty about buying a new handbag or getting a pedi because I’m doing that out of my personal funds. It also makes spouse gifting easier because a tell won’t come through on our joint statement. It’s been a good balance for us. You’ll find something that works for you… and you’ll get the student loan debt gone eventually – it’s such a good feeling when it’s finally paid off. Good luck to you!

Sasha L

February 14, 2019 5:48pm 5:48 pm

Thank you for this post! I read it and worried. My husband does all of our financial stuff, I have way too much anxiety to go near it and this really works for us. I asked him and he’s got all the passwords and usernames compiled in one place, told me what to do to access his life insurance, it’s all really easy. He said he’s thought through what would happen if…

Sarah B

February 14, 2019 2:45pm 2:45 pm

Beautiful portraits of these couples!! <3

Paula

February 14, 2019 9:59am 9:59 am

I found this post so interesting! We keep separate checking accounts and a shared savings account. Even though he earns more than me and is usually suggesting we should merge our accounts, I personally love to have my own and manage it as I please. We also have separate credit cards that we use to pay for common things (let’s say groceries, holidays, dinners, out, etc), and so when we get both credit card bills, if they are significantly diferent we would Venmo the other to even things out! This really Works for us!

DAMLA

February 14, 2019 5:52am 5:52 am

My husband and I keep our separate bank accounts (just because we were lazy to open a mutual one) but share everything. I have always found the conversation around money very stressful and upsetting regardless of abundance and scarcity. In an effort to spare my feelings, my husband ended up taking the the toll. He studied “financial engineering” so I was happy for him to keep the books and manage our money. He has been telling me that I should get involved more but I have been avoiding the issue.
However, this post has changed something in me mostly for the comments of your readers! I am so inspired by these smart women who keep their finances in control. There is something very cool and (dare I say “sexy”) about a women who is smart, resourceful and money-savvy. I am inspired to become one :)

Agnes

February 13, 2019 6:43pm 6:43 pm

My parents shared everything, and growing up my dad did all the finances and gave my mom a ‘housekeeping and shopping for yourself’ allowance each week. He earned so little as a manual laborer, and yet with her frugality they managed to own a home and a car, she stayed home with 4 kids and we had holidays 1-2 times per year. When he retired, they switched over (in case anything happened to him) and she took over the finances and gave him a weekly ‘coffee’ allowance which he invariably stashed in a drawer as he spent literally nothing on himself but the actual coffee (what, $2 a day?). When the drawer was stuffed with money she’d take it out and deposit it in the bank again. Sure enough, he died first and she was completely in the know over every last penny. Whatever works, but they did very well for themselves and I’m proud of them!

Char

Reply to Agnes

February 14, 2019 12:56am 12:56 am

That’s really sweet Agnes, thank you for sharing! What great role models to have.

February 13, 2019 5:30pm 5:30 pm

Interesting to read all this as a singleton. There was a point in time when I’d have joined finances in a flash, but now I’ve got a hefty string of break-ups under my belt (ha!) and got used to life being completely financially independent and self-sufficient, it seems like such a bigger deal now! I love the idea of forging a relationship that reaches that level of faith in the future and sharing your life – but I also don’t think I’d ever feel comfortable not retaining some financial independence. It’s just such a part of me! Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have much money or earn a lot, but I guess I’m proud of my independence and value the freedom – I’ve worked hard for it! Of course I’d readily combine for bills, household costs and childcare costs etc, but I wouldn’t sacrifice having my own account too.

Kristian

February 13, 2019 4:50pm 4:50 pm

Oh…. hi, Lisa! I’m just like you. Don’t know most of that information and know I need to be more personally financially literate… or at least how to access our accounts! Thank you for your honesty because it makes me feel less silly and more ready to take on the task of getting the info.

Jo- This product seems super helpful. I love your sponsored content because it is almost always something I’ve been thinking on. I did want to point out (in case anyone else was wondering like I was) how Fabric Vault makes money. They don’t make money off the app nor sell your data. They sell life insurance . It just made me feel a bit easier about putting personal finance records in an app. So…. hopeful this was helpful to others too.

Laura

February 13, 2019 3:46pm 3:46 pm

Wow, a lot of comments and I was not to read all, but had a few points from what I read.
We combined everything when we got married. We were both almost 30 and each owned a home, he also made way more than me, but we felt it made sense. It was actually nice not to have to think so much about my salary and what it would cover. It gave us so much more credit when we went to buy a new house together and meant we did not have to operate two separate budgets. I never felt guilty about the fact that his profession was more lucrative than mine and never made me feel that way either. But I am also a natural saver and so it took me some time (and an increase in my own salary) to feel like I could spurge on items just for me. We even tried to split out fun money for awhile and it just was too much trouble.

We also have a financial planner. We don’t pay him directly, but he gets a commission from investments we have with him.it is 100% worth it. We have short term money, midterm money, life insurance, and retirement and it is so nice to know that we are slowing growing those pots and have a plan.
Finally, this does take some of the fun out of presents. So we rarely give gifts to each other. Instead we do things together for birthdays and such and for Christmas we may buy a joint gift (like a new piece of furniture or nothing if it’s a lean budget year) and just get stocking stuffers for each other. It’s actually a lot of fun!

Jen

February 13, 2019 1:50pm 1:50 pm

We had a joint account since we got married. I do make more than my husband, sometime 2X the amount. We’re both self employed so our income can really fluctuate. I’m more interested in personal finance so I take care of all the financial aspects of our family and we do meet with our Financial Advisor yearly so we’re both aware of the big picture. We’ve been married over 17 years and so far we’ve never had major issues. I think at the end we’ve always thought the money we both make as our money and for the most part we don’t have vastly different spending habits and we never make large purchases without consulting each other.

Lisa

February 13, 2019 1:09pm 1:09 pm

Jo,
Please tell me you and your husband were photographed on this couch! These images are beautiful.
Lisa

Natalie

February 13, 2019 11:57am 11:57 am

My husband (of 4.5 years) and I are both super nerds so we have a giant shared Google spreadsheet. Each month has its own tab, and other tabs include things like our big savings goals (a house! Maybe, hopefully, eventually…) and other smaller savings pockets for things that pay out once or twice a year but we save for them continually (like auto insurance.) We have a quick budget meeting every month to figure out what we can expect of the new month. It sounds restrictive but we both find it so freeing to know where the money is going. Plus, I love the puzzle of trying to make it all stretch as far as it can. :)

Abby

February 13, 2019 10:52am 10:52 am

My husband and I (8 years) have always shared and keep things transparent. However, my dad pulled me aside the other day and pulled out a binder with everything in it about his finances, his subscriptions, his life really. The binder is for me in his eventual death. I thought it was kind of morbid but then I recognized what a huge favor my father had given me. I won’t be struggling to deal with the business of his life whilst grieving his loss. I need to make that binder.

Karen Canas

Reply to Abby

February 13, 2019 11:26am 11:26 am

Very thoughtful of him. I need to make one for my parents. I agree that it’s morbid but totally necessary. They are a financial mess and the mess will quadruple if I don’t organize things while they are still living.

Emma

Reply to Abby

February 13, 2019 11:14pm 11:14 pm

Anyone with assets – no matter their age – should have a “binder” of sorts! Your partner or family should be able to find your basic financial information in case of an emergency. Insurance information, bank accounts, even a short letter with wishes about medical care (e.g. please don’t keep me alive on a ventilator with a feeding tube) can save your family a lot of extra anxiety and heartbreak.

Leslie

Reply to Abby

February 14, 2019 6:57pm 6:57 pm

There’s actually a binder you can buy to organize these things. It includes more than that — last wishes, passwords for accounts, etc. We found it hugely worthwhile and have gifted it to many people: http://theeverythingbinder.com

Lauren

February 13, 2019 9:40am 9:40 am

After buying our first home last year, we went from only having a shared savings account to combing our checking account since we had to switch banks for our mortgage and they automatically withdraw it monthly. We still have separate credit cards and have a flexible budget for how much we plan to each spend on our cards each month and then have open conversations about what the bills will be before we pay them in full every month – we are both all about Chase points and use our credit cards for almost all of our purchases. It’s nice to have our own cards and feel like we can still treat each other and ourselves to things while staying with in a general budget. My husband makes almost 2x my salary and we treat both of our incomes as shared. It works for us!

Mary

February 13, 2019 8:54am 8:54 am

I am probably older than most of commentators. My husband always made more money than me. Now, I am no longer working. We have always shared everything and I took the initiative on handling savings and retirement investments. We maybe have slightly different spending philosophies but we always just worked it out. Every year we do sit down and discuss big spending and saving goals. We agree on how much we save each year and agree on big ticket items that either need to be made or maybe we want to go on a big trip etc. We are both very supportive of each other in our hobbies.We did disagree more when we were raising kids and there can be some very interesting learning experiences when you try to get at the root of some these conflicts. Money brings up some interesting baggage for people at least it did for us and you can work thru the disagreements better when you can understand what is driving them. We both know how are our money is spent, all banking accounts etc. Having had a spouse die ,it is imperative to know all these things in the event one of you dies.

February 13, 2019 6:56am 6:56 am

Feel like we need a full post on Lisa and Michael! So funny/sweet/good-looking!!

Joanna Goddard(@joanna)

Author

Reply to MK

February 13, 2019 8:58am 8:58 am

They’re the best:) Here’s her week of outfits and we’d love to do more with them!
https://cupofjo.com/2016/11/lisa-fine-quiet-town/

Mina

Reply to MK

February 14, 2019 3:50am 3:50 am

I just read the week of outfits post which I somehow hadn’t seen before. Love it! It’s such a different look to my own, but I love how she puts everything together.

Whitney Olson

February 13, 2019 1:28am 1:28 am

My husband and I also share everything, finances are combined, and we share the same passwords that are all typed up in a binder (and on the computer) in our safe in case either of us kicks the can. It’s nice to have no secrets, not because we are both perfect people who are perfect with money, but because we don’t have to hide the weird things or weaknesses we have. We accept each other as we are and as we grow to be better, we are growing together.

Aly

February 13, 2019 1:24am 1:24 am

My husband and I have been together for nine years, married for almost three. We’ve had combined everything since we got engaged. Curious as to whether any couples with a big delta in their incomes have separate accounts and if so how it works. There is a 5x difference in our income so if we were to split bills and then use our personal funds for extras we’d be living with vastly different budgets. That seems unfair to both partners as it would effectively limit what can be spent on vacations, dinners, other non essentials etc. We share the pot and do not clear expenses with each other but do try to check in about spending habits and our budget etc. on a regular basis.

Leanne

Reply to Aly

February 13, 2019 10:49am 10:49 am

Aly, our delta is 1.5x difference, but for a long time we contributed based on percentage of income/bills rather than on split right down the middle. He was always saving and I’d always be strapped, so figuring out that bills would be 65/35 or whatever worked really well. (Now we just each take certain bills that generally even out to that split.) It’s not about contributing exactly equally, it’s about being equitable in how things are split.

Emily

Reply to Aly

February 13, 2019 11:52am 11:52 am

Our difference is 2x so the bulk of our incomes go into together for all the joint bills and we have a very small but same amount direct deposit into separate checking accounts as spending money. I don’t have to feel guilty about paying for a pedicure with my sister whereas my husband’s socializing is more going out to lunch from work. We chat through big purchases, especially how we’re using his bonus- something I don’t have.

Sarah

Reply to Aly

February 15, 2019 10:39am 10:39 am

Our difference is about 2x (I’m the higher earner). When the difference was a bit less we went on a system of each contributing a certain percentage of our income (my percentage being higher) to all joint contributions. We’ve slowly moved toward a system where all income goes into a joint account and we each take out a monthly “allowance.” This way things are fair, we have a bit of fun money for ourselves, and we’ve also found this is the best way for us to meet our joint saving goals.

Jean

February 13, 2019 12:41am 12:41 am

Jo & team – would LOVE to see a post on prenuptial agreements! Getting married this year and our financial advisor suggested one but it feels …icky. Would love to hear from couples who have used one (or not) and why and learn from the comments and discussion!

Reply to Jean

February 13, 2019 1:03pm 1:03 pm

Maybe that’s good news–because apparently you have something to protect! When we got married, we were very young and had nothing, so there was no reason for a prenup. All the wealth we have has been generated together, as a team, and that feels really great. We did have a verbal agreement that the person who left would get only the privilege of leaving–a fresh start but nothing more–you get to leave with what you came with-sort of thing. I realize that would probably not fly in a court and alimony would be a factor in a split. Luckily (and because we work at it), we are still together nearly 18 years later and more in love than ever. Good luck and congrats to you!

Jenna

Reply to Jean

February 13, 2019 1:25pm 1:25 pm

Jean–my fiance and I are getting married in summer of 2020 and he has asked that we sign a prenuptial agreement. I make about 2x his salary, but he has a large inheritance from his grandfather that he clearly has some insecurities about. He’s always had more hang ups about money than I do because of this. If a prenup makes him feel more comfortable, that’s fine, but I agree that it feels bad. I’m past the sadness about it and just focusing on getting the job done but I agree–prenups have such a scary implication!

Elizabeth

Reply to Jean

February 13, 2019 1:54pm 1:54 pm

My husband and I have fully shared finances, are one of those couples who are honestly rediculously in love (as in, my coworkers roll their eyes at me on the regular) and we happily did a prenup of our own accord with zero family input involved! Neither of us has ever been married before, but we’ve both been in long term, serious, living-together relationships previously, so know that things CAN end, even with the best of starting intentions. He makes more money at this point, but I entered the relationship with more (thank you, wise real estate investments while single) and we have 100% combined money as a couple. Also notable is that I took a pay cut and (temporary) career hit when I immigrated for our relationship. We’ve also had half a dozen friends get divorced within a few years of getting married, and figured money was a thing best sorted while we were getting along splendidly and feeling both fair and generous about it all. I honestly don’t think we’ll ever spilt up, but am so happy we won’t have to add legal battles to an otherwise ALWAYS awful process if we do. It wasn’t an icky process, it was pretty… responsible and adult feeling? We also shared a single lawyer for the prenup process, which made it feel like something we were doing together, not against each other. Would honestly recommend!

Anne

Reply to Jean

February 13, 2019 2:00pm 2:00 pm

Someone else (maybe in the comments below?) pointed out that you do already have a pre-nup: the laws in your state/country that define how assets are split after a divorce. So it’s not a choice between pre-nup or nothing, it’s a choice between the default and a personalized pre-nup. Not sure if that changes anything?

Jay

February 12, 2019 11:43pm 11:43 pm

My comment on the photos in this post. I see the reference to When Harry met Sally, which I love. But in each (hetero) couple, the woman is sitting slightly behind the man or tucked into him somehow. The body language doesn’t say equals. I know this isn’t how you roll.

Joanna Goddard(@joanna)

Author

Reply to Jay

February 13, 2019 9:00am 9:00 am

I think they were just being cozy — I wouldn’t read too much into it! After all, Julia is the financial mastermind in their marriage etc xoxo

Brooke

February 12, 2019 11:38pm 11:38 pm

My husband and I joined checking and savings accounts when we got engaged. We both wish we did it earlier in our (long) relationship because were now both so much more financially responsible! We like the accountability and working as a team.

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