On Single Parenthood

I read this post years ago, not thinking it would apply to me. But as of this weekend, I hit the second trimester of my first pregnancy (no more nausea!) and my partner told me he didn’t want to be with me or raise our child together.

I’m still reeling, but I’ve dived into figuring out logistics – we’re in the middle of a home renovation that I now have to finish so I can rent it out and move back in with my parents and I need to separate out our tangled finances and investments and I need to figure out if I can I apply for child support while pregnant.

I appreciate posts like this and hope to find more.

I prefer to refer to myself as an only parent. To me a single parent has a sense that there is another parent around somewhere. In my case that is not true and has not been true since the day my son was born. His father passed away from liver cancer when I was 6 months pregnant – 8 weeks to the day he was diagnosed. Therefore I am an only parent. I get rather defensive when other moms say the ‘I’m a single mom this week’ bull. You are never a ‘single’ mom until you are really a single mom. Sure, your spouse is away and you are on your own but you still have someone to share everything about your child with. First steps, sitting up on their own, crawling, first words, which daycare to choose, which foods to try, which book characters are good and which ones are not, the list goes on and on. Do I feel sorry for myself being an only parent – HELL NO! I would honestly not want it any other way, because, I get to make those decisions because I know my son better than anyone else because we are together all the time. My son is 15 months old now and he is amazing. We have some challenging roads of explanation ahead and understanding of why he was born without a dad but I’ve managed to nurture a happy healthy boy so far, I sure won’t let him down in the future.

I can’t wait to read the essay. I’m glad you posted about this because there are so many situations people should and need to be sensitive of when they ask questions/inquire/give their opinions. There are too many sensitive and unique situations out there.

What a powerful post! A friend of mine lost her newborn son at one week old and, from her experience, I have learned never to ask a stranger if a child is their “first,” how many children they have, etc. While it’s true that we can’t walk on eggshells, we can be mindful that that you never know someone else’s struggles.

Jo, I’ve noticed several readers asking for posts reflecting more diverse family structures and I’d like to make a request of my own. I would love to hear from adult children of divorce, broken families, etc., particular as we inch closer to the holidays. Now that I am creating my own family/traditions, navigating the holidays feels more complicated than ever. I’d love to hear how other children of divorce manage it!

My husband and I both acknowledge how we share the work of our 2 small kids. We often talk about what it might be like to be a single parent and how we couldn’t do it–how much work it would be for one person. It’s so much work for 2 people!

Joanna, if you are looking for topics for Motherhood Mondays, I would love to see one about mothers having babies over 40. I had my 2 kids right before 40 (36 and 39), but I have three acquaintances now who are pregnant with their second child at 40, 41, and 42. Many others who had their third child at 38 or 39. It seems worth noting!

Analog House
http://theanaloghouse.blogspot.com/

What a lovely post! So grateful to read that you are going to have a focus on different types of families, I’m sure you are going to find great stories and great people to highlight on this topic also. And after all, there are a lot of families that are “different” in one way or another!
I am a singel mom with teens, and have some thoughts on how to be that in a good way.. for instance, I do not like the sentence that you have to be both a mom and a dad. To me, it feels like setting myself up for an impossible task mentally, and I also do not think it is correct. Yes, you will have more chores and more responsibility. But if we could translate it to the work life, one could say it is like a job with a lot of responsibility where you are the boss. But it is still possible to delegate, to get resources other places, to find connections that support you in a great way. And I don’t mean just paying others to do your practical work, but rather get mental support and find your tribe that supports you and your family. It can actually be kind of rewarding and cool to see that you manage that. That your kids can be happy and healthy and thrive, even if you don’t have the normal family structure. To me, being both a mom and a dad creates this notion that you are a family that is in lack. I do not believe that needs to be true. I rather think this comes from a kind of strict and very conservative idea of what a woman and a man is, plus sadness of loosing the relationship one had to the other parent..

Joanna, thank you for featuring a different side to the parenting story. One of the things that draws me to your blog again and again is the sense of real community fostered here…that we are really all in this together! All of our families function a bit differently. My husband is amazing, but he’s worked 90-hour weeks with full nights for the past four years. It’s been awful and crushingly lonely and heartbreaking, but, at the same time, it’s given me great insight into the difficulty of being an only parent. While I can’t wait for his work situation to change (which will greatly benefit my company as well), I am thankful for the lessons learned that I would never have experienced otherwise. There are profound sadnesses and deep joys to be found in all types of families. I pray that we can all build one another and be real light and encouragement for the roads ahead for all of us!

I lived upstairs from a single mum when I was at uni. We became close friends, and I saw at close hand, how tired she was all the time, how much she had to deal with. But never truly, truly understood the challenges/burdens (and-rewards) until I had my daughter. Hats off to single mums everywhere.
On the topic of unfortunate comments – here’s one I used to have to grapple with – when we lived on one income as new parents, we had to go without things that we used to take for granted. Like hair conditioner, facial cleanser (whatever was really a non-essential, had to go). We rented a cheaper home. Unfortunate comments came in the form of conversations with other people who complained how poor they were. A standout moment was when someone moaned that they could only afford THIS MUCH in rent. THIS MUCH was about twice our rent, at the time. Or, in another conversation, again a mum moaning about how poverty stricken she was, because she could only now afford to shop at chain stores, rather than designer. Meantime, I’d be shopping at Kmart or just making do. It struck me that these women had no idea how fortunate they were, no idea that others could be struggling as well, and…had no idea how insensitive their words can be. So that was a lesson I learned – to never ever complain about ‘being poor’, no matter how tough things get. Someone will always have it tougher.

I, too, would welcome for Motherhood Mondays from non-nuclear families….to see if there’s someone like me?

I lived alone for 11 years and loved it and then, at age 40, moved in with my boyfriend and his 2 elementary-school-age kids. I have the responsibilities of a step mom but none of the cred but do get the negative connotations of the title ‘step mom’ and also I wasn’t a mom before, so how could I even really know about kids or what real love is anyway? I get side-eyed as an interloper, even though I wash their socks, make them pie, help with homework and read before bed. There is no one I know or see like me. The closest resembling model is Goldie Hawn’s character from Overboard. I do not have a yacht.

Wow, that essay took my breath away. Such a wonderful reminder (that I need, because I can be a talker) to just for gosh sakes – shut up, already.

When my husband was deployed and many other times when his job takes him away from home, people often say something like “so you get to play at being a single parent while he is gone.” I have always been quick to respond, “No, I am temporarily an only parent.” I have many friends who are single parents and I am very conscious of the great difference between what they face and what I face when my husband is absent. While my husband is physically absent I know that I have his complete emotional and financial support. I can call, text, or email him no matter where in the world he is and know that he will respond as soon as he is able. A single parent does not have that support or comfort of a partner. I cringe ever time I hear another military spouse say he/she is a “single parent” for a few weeks. I find it very disrespectful, to both single parents and their children.

Beautiful, eloquent essay. My son was stillborn, so the phrase “we just want a healthy baby” has a different meaning to me now than it would to parents of children with disabilities. It upset me after my loss when people would start complaining around me how their baby doesn’t let them sleep at night, or discussing the optimal time to have a 2nd baby. But sleeping is important, and I would probably have done the same in their situation! I think it’s important to realize that everyone is in their own bubble, and that doesn’t make them a bad person.

Thanks for the acknowledgement to single parents. I love this blog, and read it long before I became a single mom. Sometimes I feel a bit left out.

How odd that we think it is appalling to say that we are excited at the idea of having a boy or girl, yet it’s OK to say that you only want a “perfect” healthy child. Not to mention it is a complete non sequitur. Like, “Do you want broccoli or peas?” “I don’t care as long as it’s orange.”

What a beautiful essay. Before having my daughter, I was definitely one of those people with my foot in my mouth. I wasn’t necessarily verbalizing my comments, but I would pass judgement without knowing their story. Then I became a mom, and holy crap is it a smack in the face! I instantly thought of the single moms I know and how strong they really are. I also never realized how The comment “I just want a healthy baby” could come across. This made me think of my aunt & uncle who are loving parents to my beautiful disabled cousin. Thank you for reminding us to be more open & think twice before causing a person to do The Nod.
Lendy
http://www.twoplusluna.com

I do agree that we should all be mindful of the words we say. However, I agree with the earlier comments that we can’t be walking around on eggshells all the time either. I have a sister who gets offended by EVERYTHING if it’s not worded perfectly. While I try really hard to be respectful of this, it definitely makes having a conversation with her difficult when I’m so worried to say the wrong thing. It makes it difficult to talk about real life, and real struggles, much less anything else meaningful. As a result, our conversations are “fluff” and that makes me sad.

I realize I am guilty of getting offended at things strangers or acquaintances may say too. It’s something I need to work on as well.

Be kind, be gracious, and give people the benefit of the doubt.

this is such a powerful and important post. Having grown up with a person with disability – my father, who stayed at home, and my mother worked to support the entire family. it’s key to write these kind of posts and bring them to the forefront. there are all sorts of families out there that differ from the norm..

http://www.footnotesandfinds.com

Since having kids, I’ve been astonished at how much media represents the nuclear family as 2 parents of different genders and 2 children. I guess it’s still “the norm”, but is it? I’d like to see more diversity in all things: books, cartoons, etc., instead of feeling as if I have to seek out stories where grandparents are raising kids, or a child is an only, or a parent is “single”. Slow change, I guess…

wow, I never thought about the healthy baby comment like that. when we are so used to hearing these kinds of comments it makes it difficult to see it from another perspective. thanks for the reminder to think before speaking.