What If You Have a Hard Time Conceiving a Baby?

What if you want a baby, and you and your spouse start trying, and…nothing happens? Some of my best friends have had fertility problems, and it seems slow, frustrating and heartbreaking. Today, my friend Monica shares her honest story…

I am not someone who fantasized about having a baby. I like children but never thought about my own—even when I started dating my husband and knew early in our relationship that he was “the One.” After we got married, and people asked us when we were going to have kids, even then, I didn’t think about my own babies other than to know that, yes, one day I wanted them. I thought about children abstractly. Like, “it will be amazing to have a baby one day with my incredible husband, and, yes, I’ll have another vodka soda, two limes, please.”

Then it happened: After a few years of marriage, we both realized we were ready. It just felt right.

We had fun with it at first. After a while, I was like, well, maybe I should start counting the days of my cycle. And after three months of doing that, I called the doctor. I was still positive and optimistic that it would happen easily.

But I found out that I had a thyroid problem, and then it turned out that my prolactin levels were inexplicably high, and then they thought maybe I had a tumor…

Suddenly the one thing I rarely thought about—conceiving a baby—became the only thing I thought about, obsessed about, agonized about, cried about, irrationally blamed myself for, became angry at other people about.

One month of disappointment turned into three months, then six, then a year, and then another year. I cried on the subway, in the doctor’s office, in my sister’s lap, on my husband’s lap, on my parents’ shoulders. I hung up on one of my closest friends when she called me to tell me she was pregnant. Then I called her back, ashamed that I could act that way to a loved one sharing her special news.

One particularly awful day after yet another depressing doctor’s appointment, I met my sister and mom at Saks Fifth Avenue. They begged me to come along; they wanted to cheer me up. It was the middle of the day, and I wanted to go home, smoke cigarettes (I had quit smoking years before), cry in my red wine and feel sorry for myself. I got there and started to weep at the make-up counter. I put on my sunglasses. We went to try on clothes, and I announced out of nowhere that if my sister had another baby before I had one I would die. How insensitive and dramatic and hostile could I be?

I hated myself for what I was going through and I hated myself for the way I was acting. I took it personally whenever I saw a pregnant woman or a new mom. You watch all these TV shows, like 16 and Pregnant, and you’re like, why are all these people having babies? It seemed like everyone was having a baby.

I could only talk about it with my husband, parents, sister, and a very few close friends. I can admit now that I felt ashamed. Of course, there was absolutely nothing to be ashamed about, but I felt like I was being punished. It’s irrational, but I think I was trying to make myself feel better by saying, I must deserve this, or my body must be messed up. I tortured myself.

I was a different person back then. Now I don’t even know what I’d go back and tell myself because I don’t recognize that woman. I think I would just hug her and let her cry because sometimes that is all people need. That’s what I needed. I didn’t want to hear anyone say, “Don’t worry, it will happen,” or “You have to be positive,” or “God has a plan,” or “My sister’s friend’s husband’s co-worker’s sister was infertile, and they have three kids.”

I knew when I was going to get my period. I would experience the same symptoms that I’d had since I was a teenager: bloating, cramps. The night before, I’d brace myself. The next morning, I sometimes couldn’t get out of bed. Every month, I would call my mother crying.

I can’t imagine how my husband handled it, day in and day out. He was so supportive. I was trying not to let him see that I was such a mess all the time. It was a downward spiral. I was constantly working hard to not fall into it. On one side, I was beating myself up and depressed, and on the other, I was trying to get better, if not for me, than for my husband, and the baby we were hoping to have.

But I felt out of control. I felt like I had no control whatsoever of my life, my body, my future.

I had an “A-HA!” moment one morning at the fertility center. The waiting room was packed, and I started looking around at the other patients. One woman was reading the US Weekly that I had read the night before when I couldn’t sleep; another was reading Twilight, which I had just finished, someone else was typing furiously on her Blackberry—I related so much to these women.

Then a nurse comes in and says to someone, “Why are you here again?” And the woman said, “Oh, for the test.” And the nurse says, “Again? I can’t believe it. Again?” And the woman started crying, “Yes! Again. I’m here again, again, again, I’m here again…” She kept repeating it and crying. And everyone was staring because no one could believe it.

I suddenly realized: We were all the same. This woman was openly crying. I had openly cried in the subway so many times, I’d lost count. I didn’t even care, I didn’t care who saw me. I had been in my own world, always. You get wrapped up in yourself when you’re going through this; in my mind, it was just me and nobody else. Nobody else could understand. I was just so far down. Earlier that morning, I’d felt like I was alone, even though I was sitting in a room full of women on a Saturday morning. But after this A-HA moment, I absolutely felt less alone. I was like, these women are me. I am them. Not one of us was there because we had the strep throat or the flu—we were there because we didn’t have something. And that something was a baby. We were dealing with a void and something that we wanted to have but could not. We are all the same.

After that, we decided to try a new fertility practice on the advice of my wonderful ob-gyn. (I cannot stress enough the importance of finding the right doctor—not just a good one but the right one who listens and is supportive.) So, we went to a new fertility practice and saw our new reproductive endocrinologist. We sat in his office as he counseled us about IVF, and he said, “If all goes the way I think it should go, in six weeks you will be pregnant.” I cried with disbelief. The next six weeks were about a lot of patience.

Finally, our doctor gave us the pregnancy test, and we found out we were going to have a baby. My husband took the day off work so that we could be together. The first time I felt the baby kick—I cannot even describe how it made me feel. Once we passed the three-month mark, I donated my leftover drugs back to the practice because I wanted to visualize the babies of those women who had sat in the waiting room with me every morning.

I know how lucky I am and I know what a struggle it is to go through infertility and that not all families have the results that we finally were able to achieve.

I still have moments of total disbelief—not only that I lived through that experience, but that I actually have a little girl. Only now am I able to talk about it, after all this time. When Joanna asked me to share my story, I was stunned that I actually agreed. I had been quiet about it for so long.

My baby girl is so strong, and she has been wildly opinionated and expressive from the second she was born. I really believe she wanted to be here with us and that we had to live through this experience in order to be together with her. When she is laughing or refusing to eat or smiling at her favorite book or proud because she figured something out or giving me a big, wet kiss, I just look at her and feel so lucky and thankful. I know that might sound trite but it’s true. I hug her and kiss her, and I know she feels how thankful we are for her and how much we love her and waited for her.

I carry those feelings with me every day even if they are not in the front of my mind; this will always be part of me.

Thank you so much, Monica, for telling your beautiful, moving story. My darlings, have you ever had a similar experience? Or do you have any friends who have struggled with infertility? I would love to hear your thoughts…

P.S. Melanie Blodgett also writes beautifully about infertility, as well, including 10 things not to say to someone struggling with it. And more Motherhood Monday posts

(Top photo credit unknown; bottom photos by Monica)

  1. Thank you for asking me to write about this all those years ago. My story has evolved (and I went through it again trying to have my second) but these moments are forever a part of me❤️

  2. This story feels like a lifetime ago and like yesterday all at the same time. It has evolved so much since I wrote it. Thank you, again Joanna for asking me to write it so long ago. xo

  3. CHLOE WILLIAM says...

    There is Nothing in this world that is worth more me than getting my boyfriend back: death, being in debt, getting hurt, losing someone, its not worth it, its all temporary and you will get through it. Its a phase. I almost died when i lost my boyfriend to another girl :(((((( i was mad, there was no one to tell or run to for help. ??? but i thank God i finally came across dr_mack@yahoo. com to help me out and he did. after 3 days my boyfriend found his way back to me, he came to me crying. asking me to take him back. he was sorry for breaking up with me, we are back together!!!!
    Manchester, Uk

  4. Anna says...

    I think it is good that you have this post on infertility. It is powerful to read this post, and gladly in this case, a happy ending after all the heartache and pain. Please do remember though, for some women, like myself, the heartache does not always end with IVF. Infact, for some women, IVF adds another layer of shame and failure when that doesn’t work either. Infertility is a period of time in some people’s lives, but in other’s it is a realisation that your own life is not going to be like that of most other women. It effects the whole family, how your friends treat you, how you see yourself, how you map your future. Dealing with that, well that is a new type of pain altogether, and one that deserves to be addressed more openly.

  5. Sylvian says...

    That was beautiful it gave me hope and the baby is gorgeous in the pic….you just don’t know how much your story has touched me! This has moved me from a down trodden place to a more positive outlook.
    Thank you so much

  6. BC says...

    Me and husband tried 11 years for a child, nothing showed up as wrong with either of us. His Dr suggested we may be slightly incompatible but had no solution. The grief and depression of my (because we always feel it’s our fault) repeated failure nearly destroyed us. In the end we agreed to give up trying, the pain was just too much. The sense of relief and release of stress was extraordinary. I fell pregnant 6 weeks later.
    It is so hard to say ‘Relax’ when something as important as having a child is at stake, but sometimes it is the only thing that can help.
    We have been trying for a second child without success for 3 years. I’m 39 now so I know age is against me, but hopefully I can relax enough this year for another miracle.
    Good luck to all of you x

  7. Ls says...

    I can relate to the first part of the story. My husband and i have been trying to have a baby for almost 7 years. I will be 39 this year and i am losing hope quickly. We have unexplained infertility. We have both had every test possible and according to those we should be able to have a baby. We have seen 2 fertility specialists. The first recommended iui which we planned and paid for but at the end the dr could ‘t tell if i had ovulated. My gynecologist said ‘i think you have pcos’, went to second fertility specialist who is an endocrinologist as well and she suggested timed intercourse with HCG shot and that failed. She looked at my AMH level and said we need to do IVF but it is not a guarantee we would get pregnant. I have tried vitex, fertileaid, tea, sperm friendly lubricant,fertility massage, acupuncture and nothing has worked. I just wish a doctor would tell me i have something that causes i fertility. No official diagnosis has me on an up and down roller coaster of emotions. One minute i have hope the next minute i don’t. I am so stressed out and have considered divorce. My husband doesn’t deserve someone broken. He needs someone who can give him the children he wants. If i were younger i would think differently reality is the older you are the less likely you can get pregnant. I am surrounded by pregnant people at work. All my married friends are pregnant or have kids. I don’t want to go to baby showers because i cannot stand the thought of being surrounded by baby talk or crap.

    • Natasha says...

      I just saw this. I know it’s a year old, and you may not see this comment. I just want to say that I hear you, and I feel you. And I hope that you are doing well and that you have found hope and solace. I am going through this journey too, and it is very isolating. And I hope that light has found you.

  8. Jolie Robin says...

    I am here to share this testimony on how me and my husband was able to be become parents. we tried for so many years to get a child of ours but there was no success of child bearing. We went to different hospitals but they keep saying the same thing that i was the problem and my husband was perfectly okay. One day i decided to try traditional and spiritual help, i contacted a woman who i came across on the internet called Iya Basira i ask her for help and she told me that i was the cause of me inability to bear a child. I became more confuse and worried and at this time my husband was making moves for a divorce. I told the woman everything and she decided to help me, she told me she is going to help me by praying for and given me traditional medicine to drink, that i will be blessed with a child. At the end of the day i followed her instructions, because i wanted my husband to see it as a miracle because he was a strong christian. I did all she ask me to do and i got all the results i needed without my husband knowing and today am a mother. Thanks to mother Iya Basira i will forever be grateful. i will drop her contact here anybody needs her help also

  9. Mayra says...

    What are some reasons that a woman can’t conceive?
    Is it true If a Wife and Husband aren’t compatible it’s either going to be difficult, or can’t conceive?

  10. * says...

    After about a year & a half, I’m hopeless. I found a moment of inspiration in my mind “I think I can, I think I can” reach out…googled, read your story.

    I realized halfway through that I’d read your story last year when I was having a hard time mentally.

    I don’t know how long I can go on. Thanks for providing a community in which people can share.

  11. Mary Flavel says...

    I never thought I’d be writing this message but after 4.5 years of and nearly lost my marriage due to not be able to have a child, severe endometriosis and scarring, I was told that IVF was the only option. This was something we could not afford and had almost given up hope of becoming parents. A friend of mine recommended native doctor iya basira to me and pursuaded me to contact her, she did a spiritual breakthrough for me to make me get pregnant, within 3 weeks I was pregnant (naturally!!!) and gave birth to our son in april. I am writing this message for those women who are at the stage I was at.depressed with no light at the end of the tunnel. give iya basira a try to help you solve your problem, and hopefully you’ll have the same success that I have had. Here is her email address . wish you all happiness in your marriage.

  12. This is such a warm, beautiful and touching story. I can so relate to this experience. Thank you so much for sharing your amazing story. Congratulations for your beautiful treasure..! Hubby and I have been ttc for almost 2 years. Doctors have said he has sperm issues. I never in my life’s wildest dream thought that I would ever be in this position. We will be seeking fertility treatments as that is the only option. However, I can’t help but feel depressed everyday, I like you feel like I am being punished for something that I may have done wrong in my life! I feel like you then now. I pray and hope that things get do improve for us and all the lovely ladies out there who are in a similar position to me. God bless you xx

    • Hey, I am in the exact same position as you! We have been TTC for almost 2 years, but hubby has issues with his sperm, therefore we have been referred for IVF. Never in my wildest dream did I ever think that this would ever happen to me, even I feel that maybe I am being punished somehow for something that I may have done wrong in my life. I pray God for forgiveness every month, but it still isn’t making a difference. At times I feel so depressed, I just don’t understand “why me?”. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone, and I pray that God looks down on us, and blesses us all with a beautiful, healthy baby xx

  13. Lymfo says...

    I a mosotho womem um also struggling to have a baby i smotimes loose hope because i have almost 2 years now trying plz help

  14. Sunny says...

    Another one here:

    My husband and me live in China, which makes things a bit different. It’s hard not being home with your family and friends, yet the pro is that I have less friends here around me getting preggers, which I truly thank God for.. Even seeing posts on FB makes me extra angry and sad for days on.

    We have been trying for almost a year now. Me being 25 and my husband 30, it just feels like it should not take this long!! Next moth we will both get tested in a Chinese hospital, with a Chinese friend who will translate everything.

    My husband is having a very hard time. His older brother has 4 kids, and younger brother is expecting now (Grrr!!!). Why not him?! I try and try to tell him there doesnt have to be something wrong with either of us (altho I start to loose faith too..) and that IF something is wrong, it could be either of us, and there are so many ways they can help us now-a-days! But still. He is having a really hard time with it all.. On top of it all, last month I was 5 days (FIVE WHOLE DAYS!) and got my period anyways. That’s just mean and unfair.. Please let me know what worked for you ladies. All the standard ‘be there for him’ and ‘make him feel like a man’ tips don’t work enough, haha, I need stuff that REALLY worked for you! (impossible question, isnt it?)

    Much blessings, love and patience for you all!

    • Katha says...

      What worked for us (after 9 months of trying) was a sperm-friendly lubricant.
      I had read all the testimonials, and was highly sceptical – I still cannot believe it worked on the first try; the purchase of that tube of goo felt like a last-ditch effort somehow.
      But as the natural vaginal environment is not exactly sperm-friendly, and traditional lubricants do not help that fact, it seems kind of logical that this might increase chances of conception happening. Plus, I tracked my ovulation with test strips (bought directly from China over eBay) so we could time it all exactly right.

  15. A Russell says...

    What a blessing it has me in tears. I am currently experiencing this same issue. Me and my husband been trying for 2 years now. Looking around me it seems like everybody was having children but us. I love to hear great experiences like yours because it continues to give me hope. God Bless you and your beautiful baby girl ??

  16. Joann says...

    I can totally understand how you felt :( I’d a miscarriage ( molar pregnancy ) last year October 2015. And everyone around me are getting pregnant and kept asking me when is my turn . I feel so depressed as I can’t tell them how hard I’m trying , yet every month I’m getting negative results . sometimes I feel like a failure . I just don’t understand why is it so easy for others to have a baby. And yet it’s so hard for me to get pregnant . I’m so sad :(

  17. Marisol says...

    I am going through the same scenario … My husband having fertility issues. Seeing close friends ask family conceiving hurts deeply inside as I see them talk about babies having kids. I’ve waited , planned married bought a house but can’t fulfill that dream of having one kid with my husband is shattering. I’m writing in tears hoping to one day have a child with my husband!

    • Joann says...

      I’m going through The same thing :( and I had a miscarriage last year , and I still can’t get over it . I really hope I can have a baby with my husband :(

  18. Thelma says...

    I’m sadly going through this particular situation now, and the worst thing is that I’m all alone. My husband is totally not supporting me, he blames me of everything. I’m really tired, I don’t even know whom to turn to. Even my GP said we just have to continue waiting.
    But I’m really happy for you, congrats.

    • Laura says...

      Be there for yourself, you are a strong woman one of the strongest in the world becaus you have patience. Find a doctor who will help you not just tell you to wait or see a specialist. Never blame yourself, get checked if you need surgery and have it. I am not there yet in my journey either but I have taken the step to see a specialist and waited three months just to hear back, remember your patience is your strength and no one can take that from you

  19. Tania Gonzalez says...

    My husband and I have been through this infertility journey, and through iuis etc for a long time now and had to stop because of expenses, but I hope we can some day have a child of our own. This story touched me because its pretty much the story of my life. Thank you for sharing. This gives me hope.

  20. This article remains timeless. I just discovered it while experiencing what Monica writes about here. Thank you for these words. It’s extremely comforting to read and know that I’m not alone in these feelings and struggle.

  21. Megan says...

    My husband and I struggled with infertility for years. I remember being invited to a good friend’s baby shower and going, and then literally was struck dumb the whole time I was there. I could not speak to anyone, I was so paralyzed by my own feelings of grief and inadequacy, and I certainly could not enjoy my friend’s moment. I think one of the hardest things about dealing with it is that it takes MONTHS AND YEARS. It is so debilitating mentally. I was so mentally fried that I finally sought out a therapist who works with women and couples specifically on infertility. It was a lifesaver. All I can say to others that are going through this is to not neglect your mental health – get as much assistance as you can.

  22. Julie b says...

    I’ve always wanted a family but my husband has had a chronic illness and we’ve just been focussed on surviving each day for the last 20 years. Thankfully his health has started to improve and we’ve been trying for a couple of years. I know the odds are against us- I turned 40 this year, but I’m not quite ready to give up. The hardest thing for me is people assuming we didn’t want kids, or people assuming I just wanted a career, when in reality, I’ve worked to pay medical bills, and would love a family. Fingers crossed. (I say that every month :)

  23. Heather B. says...

    four years ago, I probably read this and moved immediately past it. I probably didn’t even think much about the topic, felt I couldn’t relate to it, couldn’t even comprehend that pain. children just weren’t my foreseeable future and it seemed like a dream that may one day be. but today, after reading your “are you pregnant?” post and seeing the link at the bottom leading back to here, this issue, this same emotional plague I’m currently experiencing, my heart is broken. I know the feelings all too well. the self doubt, the emotional instability, the frustrations, the helplessness… I had the pregnancy and I lost it. we’re still early in our healing, which may be why I took so much of it to heart, why so many of those feelings seemed so vivid, and I only hope to have the happy ending of this story but it’s nice to be reminded that I’m not alone in feeling this way. I know I’m not alone in this journey and I’m so lucky to be reminded every day that I have my husband holding my hand through it. he’s absolutely the strong one when I can’t be. but sometimes it just feels like a lonely journey.

    • Julia says...

      In the same boat, Heather. You are not alone. I have had several miscarriages as well as a blighted ovum, and know what it is like to be so, so close and to then have to face loss. Take your time and be good to yourself.

      I too feel very, very lucky to have a wonderful partner. Our relationship has grown so much through this so-far 7 year journey through infertility, and I am grateful each and every day for what we have together. I remind myself also that many people don’t have this gift. Like the gift of children, a loving and supportive partnership is a precious thing.

      I have recently come across some helpful podcasts on the website. If you are in need of some extra encouragement or just to listen to a gentle and compassionate voice.

      All the very best to you on your journey.

    • Alisa says...

      Hi Heather and Julia,
      I too only vaguely remember reading this post when it was written. Now I relate all too easily. The past year and a half has been the hardest, darkest time of my life. The grief of losing pregnancies is isolating, no matter how many people are around who love you, isn’t it? I find the really hard part is the hope – and how to hang onto it… still working on that.
      One thing I am trying really hard to do is to give myself TIME, without the FOMO that I so easily attach to it. Pregnancy loss is hard on the body, the mind, and the spirit, and everyone needs their own time to heal. I also have tried to remind myself that I don’t have to ever be ‘over’ it. These are experiences that have changed me, and that’s ok. If I think about it every day for the rest of my life, that’s ok too.
      I said almost the same words to my mom last night about this being such a lonely journey, because it really feels that way. But reading your comment reminds me that we’re not alone. We can’t change things for each other, but we can remember that we’re all in this life together.
      Sending you lots of healing love and light. Hang in there.

    • Julia, Heather, I am so sorry for your loss/es. I’ve been there, too, and it’s so hard to explain. It’s hard to be in the world, to be in your own body, to be with other people when you’re going through pregnancy loss and fertility issues. I didn’t have a clue until it happened to us. Looking back, I so wish I’d been more empathetic to friends before I knew for myself. I wish women talked about it more openly so we were all better prepared (it’s so common).

      For me and my husband, the deep sense of isolation and profound grief we felt after the first miscarriage made us much more open as we kept trying (and lost two more pregnancies) because we desperately needed our people around…and for them to understand why we were being so weird in the world. Recently, I wrote a piece about the mixed up world of fertility, miscarriage and the Planned Parenthood Congressional debate: If it gives you any sense of “you’re not alone” then it has served its purpose.

      Today I’m 7 weeks pregnant – pregnancy #4. It’s absolutely terrifying. We’ve hit all the major milestones before, so even though things look good, we know the future is uncertain. But, it’s hard to hold back joy. And as a dear friend reminded me, it’s not gonna to hurt any less if you try to withhold happiness. So, the best I’ve got is that we’re going to be happy for every happy day. If I’ve learned one thing through this long process it’s that I know we’ll be ok on the other side, no matter the outcome. And that daring to be a bit emotionally vulnerable breeds connection and support and unimaginable love, and we’ll need all those things, too, however this turns out. Wishing you all so much luck in your paths to familyhood!

    • Sarah says...

      Wow. I feel the exact same way. Four years ago I was single, had no ideas of marriage or children, etc. Today coming back to this article was like reading a page out of my own journal. It is such hell to know that your own body is sabotaging you from your happiness. I am so unbelievably sorry you are in the middle of experiencing this gain and loss. I’m glad we are all finding this together again- thank you to JoAnna for bringing it back up. It was very comforting to find the tribe of women who are in the same boat.

    • Tess says...

      Katy, I had to respond to your comment. I had three miscarriages in a row, and my fourth pregnancy was successful. My heart aches for what you are going through right now, and I am so hoping you have a positive outcome this time. I am impressed with your ability to enjoy each day, something I never really achieved. I was scared until the very end. Good luck, my thoughts are with you.

    • jessenia says...

      Ive been trting to concieve e ith my boyfriend for a year and a month & no luck. 3 years ago i gave early birth to my twin boys and it hurts so bad. And it hurts worst when you been like you cant have a baby. I hope one day it happens. Never giving up.

  24. Capt Lu says...

    Finally after all these years i took the time to do a search and came across this page. Am I happy I did. A glimpse to what my wife is going through.
    Highschool sweethearts and now married for over 18 and a half years. We’ve been trying for well over 6 years now. We took a surf vacation to Coasta Rica with 2 other couples 6/7 years ago with our intentions to relax and finally conceive.
    Turnsout about a dozen or so friends ended up pregnant that year and some have now had their seconds. All the meanwhile my wife spirals with some serious emotions.
    I try to be conforting and supporting but the truth is, the reality is i don’t think i really am at all.
    I’ve always been a social butterfly to say the least and recently we purchased our very 1st home. All I can think of is of having our friends and family over. But the other night the she says to me “I think the only reason you want them over is to fill a void”. Wow i never expected her to say something like that. But it hit me and I realized yes its the truth. Not only is it the truth but its open my mind to so many other thoughts i knew i had but didnt want to bring to light. But most importantly I started thinking more in her and what shes been dealing with. Reading this article I see shes not alone. We are not alone. Im scared that her feelings and condition can lead to some serious depression. See her mom only 61 is now battling with rapid early Alzheimer’s and it has not been a good 2015 for my wife. How ever I on the other hand landed a great new job and as I mentioned we just closed on our very 1st home. Although i feel we should be extremely happy i just realized last night this is far from our reality. The good new is we just renewed our insurance policy and seeing those documents on the dinnig room table last night it occured to me, so i mentioned we should go see and talk to a counselor or therapist. To my surprise it seemed like she stopped crying for a second looked up at me and almost smiled and said thats a great idea. She did ask is it from me or us and i gladly replied for us. Thank you for sharing your friends story. It’s given me a glimpse to a happier time to come.

    • Capt Lu says...

      Sorry for the typos.

    • Capt Lu, you are a loving and brave partner to be seeking out those options (and resources) for your wife, and yourself. After our first miscarriage, I was completely lost. Crying all the time, walking around like a zombie. My husband finally said to me, “Bebs, if your ankle hurt as much as your *everything* hurts we would have gone to the ER weeks ago. Please call your doctor. Or I will. Tomorrow.” It was the right thing to do and I couldn’t see it through the grief.

      My doctor gave me the name of a wonderful therapist, and a prescription for an antidepressant, which I took with much relief for a few months. The hormones can do crazy things to your body and mind, including trigger depression. There is NO SHAME in seeking help…and it really does help.

      Sending lots of love and support your way. You are not alone!

  25. Alyssa says...

    Ever since I can remember I have wanted to be a mother. When people would ask me what I wanted to be when I was older I would tell them “a mom”. I have tried to do everything right-finished college, got married, settled into a career, bought a house…. and I am still missing the ONE thing I have wanted all along. Now, I am 23 years old. (Most people insert the “oh, well you are so young yet, you have plenty of time.) But here is the thing, I have pushed myself to get where I am today to have what I want, and this being the one thing I really have no control over is driving me crazy. It took a while for my husband to be ready but now he is eager and still nothing. I feel guilty for being so depressed over not having a baby yet because I personally know women who have waited years versus my 6-7 months of trying. The thing that really makes no sense is the doctors say that I am completely healthy, my levels are great, ultrasounds are normal, etc…..THEN WHY IS THERE NO BABY?! It is a constant battle with myself to not get upset about it. At times I feel ridiculous. Stress definitely does not help the process so I stress over not stressing about conceiving….I understand that I haven’t put in the time other women have, but it doesn’t make it any easier for me when this is the thing I have always wanted most in life. I understand I have no control over if/when it happens, but I am thankful I Google searched and found this post. It has definitely helped to know that others have struggled with the same feelings although I wish none of us had to. I appreciate you for sharing your feelings and story, as it has helped me have some piece of mind. Thank you and God Bless <3

    • R says...

      Has your husband been tested? We had been trying to get pregnant for close to three years. I had assumed something must be wrong with me. After being thoroughly tested everything was normal. But I just knew something was wrong. So we had my husband tested. It turns out, he is not producing sperm. Trust your gut. If you think something is wrong, ask your husband to have a semen sample tested.

  26. Lily says...

    All I know if pregnancies aren’t always easy. The state of pregnancy surely is no guarantee of happiness. Raising a family can be a challenge. Staying married while raising a family can be the ultimate test.

    Find out what is the causes of infertility in female?

  27. Stephanie says...

    Thank you so much for this beautiful article. I related to every word you wrote. As the months turn in to years and friends and family who were married after me embark on their second and third pregnancies, it’s so hard not to let it become all-consuming. I’m so happy for them, but my heart breaks each time, My husband and I have been trying to look at things in a positive way, as we’ve grown closer in our relationship…but every time they tell me it’s my messed up ovulation, not enough progesterone, gain weight, lose weight…I feel so inadequate. Thank you for your story of hope, and congratulations on your beautiful daughter!!

    • I know how you feel and I’m sorry you are going through this. There is a community of people who understand and even though it doesn’t take away the pain and frustration, it can help to know you’re not alone. All the best to you x

  28. Amanda says...

    It is so nice to know someone understands! Thank you for sharing, I really do appreciate it. I’m really struggling with brokenness over not being able to get pregnant right now. It really causes me to feel depressed, I’m crying right now as I am typing this. It is so hard to be optimistic. My sister in law and my sister are both pregnant and didn’t even have to try.

    • I was you…so many people around me including my sister and my closest friends were pregnant and never tried. It’s not fair and i am sorry for what you’re going through. Once I opened up it helped me a little to talk it out with other women who were going through the same thing. There’s a real sense of comfort that comes from knowing that you’re not alone in it. It doesn’t make the void any easier to deal with but at least you can feel the support from a community of people who understand bc they’re also living through it. x

  29. Elva&grant says...

    Well I’m the Same. my Sister has five baby’s and still it hurts so much my husband wants a child as do I I try to look happy bit when I Hold my sisters baby I look at my husband torn thinking if Well ever have that.. I try so hard to be strong for him as he is for Me. I stopped taking pg test cause I seem to not want to try and take one just to be disappointed again and again. It hurts to much to do it again…. :/

  30. Thank you for your transparency and honesty! I struggled to get pregnant with my second child for 1 year and I clearly remember having the same feelings you had! One of my closest friends was having her 4th baby, and called me to tell me she was having her 4th baby. I was mad and told her: “Stop taking all the babies in heaven! I wan’t one too!” I couldn’t believe I said that… We laugh about it now…

  31. I am currently in the same situation I am always crying to myself and it hurts so much that I don’t even attend baby showers any more or do social media as much as most of my close friends are pregnant or post pictures of their babies it feels like I am being punished and it hurts so much at times
    I often don’t feel like going out so I stay at home most of time
    Your story has touched me hope I get out of it soon and thank you

  32. I just got my pregnancy test result and guess what, it was positive. It confirm I am 10 weeks pregnant after 5 years of Agony and trips to different hospitals and specialists.

    But unfortunately, I am sad, while I am suppose to be glad, I am sad because I would have been pregnant earlier than now, if I never listen only to my friend advice, I should have gotten my own baby earlier, believe in nature,i had Blocked Fallopian Tube I came across it success story of the great alladdin who help women concieve with his spiritual method.

    I have bilateral blocked fallopian tubes and my doctor flush the tubes but it got blocked again and I got frustrated with the procedure and decided to research about other options for opening fallopian tube, after fail attempts to open it by doing the flushing my doc suggested. I did research online and I came across your website, every information seems right to me and I was pleased, I told my doctor about the product I discover but he said there is no herbs and spiritual cleanse that can unblock tube naturally.

    I listen to him and went for IVF and after 2 failed attempts and total waste of money. I decided on my own to try DR ALADDIN for his spiritual cleanse and pregnancy spell I got pregnant in 9 weeks.after this, my doc is steel amazed at this,

    I advice every other woman with fallopian tube issues ,pcos and other infertility problem too do their research and don’t base your option only on anyone’s advise, I did and it resulted in waste of money and time, contact dr alladdin on email: because I have discover DR ALADDIN long time ago and I would have been pregnant earlier if I follow my heart and did the spell but I disregard it because of my doctor’s advice and I am annoyed at myself but at the same time I am happy that I made the wise decision by going back t odr alladdin for spiritual help. Now I am a strong believer of spiritual and natural medicine. Thank dr alladdin on email for help on