What was your journey like? Sending a big hug to any hopeful parents. xoxo
Ruth Chan is an illustrator who lives in Brooklyn with her husband and dog. She writes and illustrates children’s books. For Cup of Jo, Ruth has also written about traveling, pets, grief, OCD, Chinese celebrations and her favorite band. And here’s her beauty uniform!
P.S. More on infertility, including an infertility comic and three women share their miscarriage stories.
I went through this and thank god it worked the first time because I don’t think we could have afforded another round. It worked so well our one implanted embryo split into two and now we have twins! The big question remains on what to do with our remaining two. I think we’re done having kids but it’s hard to know what would be best, donating them to a needy couple or destroying. It’s hard to think about.
I hope you end up donating. I think you could bring a couple so much joy in the suffering if you did. Of course, no wrong decision! Just speaking from someone whose with diminished ovarian reserve going through IVF.
Three IUIs, 2 IVFs and 1 FET resulted in four living children, plus a vanishing twin and a stillbirth as well as multiple eggs and embroyos that never progressed to where they could have. Strangers seem to think that I am Fertile Myrtile, unaware of what we went through. I, too, was jealous of those pregnant bellies that walked past me as I worked desperately for a child, never thinking about what medical intervention might have been required for those pregnant bellies to be there. It’s physically, financially and emotionally draining and much consideration needs to be given to even starting the process.
Given all that, I am so very happy for anyone who gets what they needed, whether it’s a child or a fullfilling child-free life. I’m sending love and support to all the amazing readers here
Thank you for this! I love humor to cope and there is not a ton of it for IVF, understandably. I would love to see another one about giving yourself injections. Me: Surely everything comes preloaded, like an Epipen. Cut to: me ranting over brunch, incredulously describing every step of prepping injections. Love ya Follistim for being the one drug packaged in a pen like I expected, bummer that you are so expensive.
Sending love to everyone else going through this.
My journey was 3.5 years of female infertility (most deemed “unexplained” but likely caused by thin uterine lining from years of IUD birth control). My husband and I decided early on after seeing the fertility specialists that we would not pursue IUI/IVF. I thought for sure that my infertility journey would end with….infertility. I was a bitter person for those 3.5 years and while I can look back and see that I had many good days, ultimately I was depressed and thought about it constantly. I actually conceived naturally this February (age 35) and am currently 23 weeks with baby girl. I am sharing in case there is anyone that still needs hope that miracles can happen, even after 3.5 years without a single positive pregnancy test. The pain of infertility is unbearable – thank you for bringing light to this topic on your blog for all of us who are going/have gone through it.
I love Ruth’s depiction of her IVF journey. I am almost 6 months pregnant after 7 years of infertility, numerous failed IUIs, one horrific egg retrieval, and one FET. I know I am incredibly lucky that our first transfer worked, but I am still haunted by the hell that is infertility. As other commenters have said, the anxiety and grief stay with you even through a healthy pregnancy.
I was recently talking to my sister-in-law about family size. She is deciding whether to have a third kid. It blew my mind that it can be as simple as a conversation and a decision and, poof, pregnant. I know that if I want more kids, I will have to go through another frozen embryo transfer. I’m already dreading it.
I struggled with infertility for 12 years. Last summer we went to my husband’s hometown of Istanbul to try IVF. (I am a Catholic school teacher, so my insurance did not cover a thing.) It was a long shot because how few eggs I have left.
They were able to harvest two eggs. One successfully became an embryo. One! I tested positive for COVID the day after my embryo was transplanted and thought it was game over. If I’d caught it a day earlier everything would have been cancelled.
That embryo is currently three months old and has a habit of laughing at everything I say.
I technically understand the mechanics of IVF, but it feels like magic. The odds were so against me, but my little boy is here and steals the hearts of everyone he meets.
As a twice ART-gifted parent, I’m very grateful for the thoughtful levity and acknowledgement that I believe these drawings were intending to convey. I’m also deeply appreciative of people sharing their experiences with ART. One thing that I think hasn’t been touched upon (or I may have missed) and am always focused on are the people in red states working to criminalize various aspects of ART, for political or religious or whatever other reasons. I had my first child in a super red state before Dobbs and my second child in a blue state after Dobbs, and I am so worried for those among us going through this process with the added specter of unfriendly eyes. My partner and I haven’t shared our journey with anyone in our families for fear of this misappropriation of religion and politics to justify hate towards our family. I’m wishing everyone going through this process understanding and calm.
this is incredibly important and needs to be discussed more. Will these people force us to pay to store unviable embryos? Will they prevent ART entirely? Will they force us to carry pregnancies that are nonviable? Will they punish us for miscarriage? These are terrifying times for women, and for those using ART, they will likely become even more stressful and dangerous.
I decided to become a single mother by choice at 39. And then had 7 failed cycles of IUI. I changed jobs for IVF coverage and met and began dating a man during COVID who supported my IVF journey. Using sperm donors, I had one canceled attempt and two retrievals that resulted in very few eggs, and no viable embryos. On the last attempt that my insurance would help cover, my boyfriend and I decided to try that last cycle together, with his sperm. We got 4 eggs, 3 embryos, and 1 viable embryo. That little embryo is currently 7 months old, and the light of my life. BUT thousands of dollars, uncountable heartbreaks, shots and shots and pills and more shots. A pregnancy that I could hardly trust or believe for the first four months, blessedly healthy but with a placenta previa that resulted in a c-section and its own trauma. I feel incredibly lucky, and like some commenters here, thrive with a project that I can throw my all into, but the stress and the emotional rollercoaster is so so intense.
When my sister started IVF, I wanted to tell her not to do it. She has completed three rounds of egg retrievals and has never had a viable embryo. The pain is intense. I’ve been through the whole process, and it’s still so hard to know how to support her. My brother and his wife just had an immediate natural pregnancy –twins. (!) The world is brutally unfair, health insurance is a joke. For anyone considering I can only say, consider every option you are open to. And then consider again. Because IVF is no guarantee, and there are many ways to make a family.
Wow, Erin. Thank you for sharing so many different experiences in one comment. I feel for your sister and am wishing her a better outcome soon.
I’ve spent the past year in therapy trying to unravel the intense anxiety that began slowly creeping into my life in the past few years. What I’ve discovered is that my own particular brand of anxiety actually originated from trauma I experienced during my infertility struggles. At the time I would have never labeled what I was going through as trauma. When I finally did become pregnant, things flipped so suddenly. I went from the grief and isolation of trying to get pregnant to the joy, excitement, and hyper vigilance of being pregnant. Being pregnant after infertility is SO different than being pregnant after natural conception. And no one seems to take that into account, not even me at the time. So here I am, 6 years later, trying to unearth and heal the trauma that originated from infertility and being pregnant after infertility. Ever since their birth I’ve struggled with anxiety around my children – constant worry about their health, being overprotective about normal child risk taking (climbing trees, monkey bars etc), and having a hard time trusting caretakers or babysitters. I hide my anxiety fairly well so as not to have it disturb our family and their childhood, but it is catching up to me. Grateful to have the resources to be in therapy. I know I can’t be the only one to feel this way, but I feel so alone. Big hugs to all of us going through this, wherever you may be ❤️
Thank you so much for this comment. I’m with you with these experiences.
Hi Jessica- I literally just sent this comment as a screenshot to my infertility fairy godmother and bestie. You have summed up a feeling I’ve struggled to articulate and felt somewhat ashamed to admit. Once there is a baby, it’s supposed to all resolve. But I feel like my DNA has been reprogrammed by this experience. Sending you love and gratitude for making me feel so understood. You are not alone 💜
100%…pregnancy after infertility and parenting after infertility come with a different mindset…always waiting for the other shoe to drop. And then the guilt for not being able to just enjoy all that I longed for during the years of infertility, and knowing that I am literally living the dream come true after IVF compared to others who didn’t have success with treatment. It’s all a lot mentally.
This is one of my few comments in this wonderful community that feels like such a support and family. Thank you to the COJ team who has shared several infertility journeys and been open about the loss, trauma and difficulty of infertility and multiple stories which helped me feel less alone in my journey. After IVF and a couple failed transfers we ended up having our son through embryo donation, which is an option (that is more affordable) that I feel gets overlooked even in the infertility world. There was certainly a lot of grief in our multi-year process but we couldn’t feel more grateful to have him in our family. While we aren’t genetically related, we are biologically, and somehow he ended up with my curly hair (neither donor has curly hair). There are so many ways to have a family and so many definitions of what a family means and that is something that has grounded me in our journey and beyond.
This! I too had an egg donor after 3 failed IUI, IVF with low quality embryos and failed transfer. We also considered adoption, but the potential months and years of scrutiny and waiting made us choose egg donation. And I’m so happy we did, and wish this option was more widely known. We lucked out with a wonderfully compliant donor and I was lucky to have successful FET on the first try with both of my daughters.
Here is my story. Yes, I would do it all again. But the grief has been unimaginable, and I’ve felt so alone at so many points. At the same time, we are among the lucky ones, and for that I am forever grateful.
Started TTC at age 33. Nothing happened for a year. Diagnosed with extremely low AMH/very high FSH. Naturally pregnant after one year, but miscarried. Tried one round of IVF, but had no response/zero follicles. Got pregnant naturally that cycle, but misarried again.
Decided to use donor eggs. First FET worked and we miraculously became and stayed pregnant with a donor egg/husband’s sperm embryo… resulted in our beautiful little boy who is now 3.5 years old. The true light of our lives for whom we are immensely grateful every day.
Tried a second FET when our son was 18 months old… miscarriage at 7 weeks. Third FET when our son was 2 years old; became pregnant and thought all was good … at 24 weeks we learned our baby girl had a severe heart defect and we had to make the horrific decision to TFMR at 25.5 weeks. I was broken after that, but determined we would still have a second living child.
Gave my body 8 months to recover. Had my fourth FET this past spring, but it sadly resulted in a chemical pregnancy. I am now gearing up for our fifth FET. This is our last normal embyro. I am now 40, so chances of me conceiving a healthy baby naturally are slim. We can’t get more eggs from our anonymous donor, so if we wanted to start over we’d REALLY have to start over with a new donor.
As I say to my therapist, “And here I was thinking my trauma was when I had my first miscarriage! Or the second! Or having to do IVF! Or when we had to move to donor eggs! Or the third miscarriage! When the real trauma waiting for us was the termination and stillbirth of our baby girl. And then having to try again.” I still want that second living child, but at some point we need to move on with our lives, and that point is feeling nearer and nearer every day. Sending much love to everyone who’s experienced/is in the throes of infertility. Know that you are not alone.
Wrapping my arms around you. Wishing for peace as you navigate difficult waters. Our journeys began very similarly at 33, still waiting for the light of our lives at 35. It is so hard and lonely.
I had a deep, compelling desire to create life in my 20’s, but taking an honest look showed me I simply was not in a position to provide for a child. So the wisdom of simple logic over-ruled my emotions and made the decision to be more responsible the clarifying choice in that moment. It was difficult but undeniable.
Sometimes biological desire is not enough of a reason to bring a baby into the world. If your body doesn’t want it but your brain demands it, wow, what a conundrum. I feel for all of you struggling to go against the flow.
Has anyone mention the recent episode of This American Life podcast? The episode is called, The Retrievals. It may be triggering for some but information like this is vital to be aware of so we can protect ourselves. I mean, the dismissals and invalidations involved, even at Yale! Highly recommend:
Here’s an excerpt from the intro:
“At a Yale fertility clinic, dozens of women began their I.V.F. cycles full of expectation and hope. Then a surgical procedure caused them excruciating pain. In the hours that followed, some of the women called the clinic to report their pain…”
I’m deciding whether to proceed with IVF, and listening to the first two episodes of that podcast was shocking. The complete dismissal of women’s pain. The total vulnerability of the procedure and the refusal of medical professionals to stop when something is clearly wrong.
I thought the first episode was very well done – shocking, thought-provoking, infuriating. Not crazy about episodes 2 and 3 – it seemed to me they were really stretching very limited information that could have been given in two or three sentences. Still waiting for the episodes about Yale – how *could* they?!
IVF is such a difficult thing to navigate and discuss because it is so personal and unique to everyone who experiences it. Miraculously, my journey looked the same as Ruth’s and I actually very much appreciate the lightness of this post. The rollercoaster of IVF is incredibly heavy, painful, hopeful, heartbreaking, isolating, anxiety-inducing, crushing, etc. Personally, it helps me to laugh a bit (through the tears) at the sheer absurdity of each phase.
Same here!!
Agreed… the other day I was sitting in the lobby waiting to start my day with a transvaginal ultrasound (my favorite nurse at the clinic calls it “the unfriendliest ultrasound”, lol) and the soft rock radio station was playing. Ace of Base’s “All That She Wants” started playing and as the chorus came on (for those not familiar the chorus is: “all that she wants is another baby”), I nearly burst out laughing and tried to find someone else who was as flabbergasted as I was…
We also have had a difficult but lucky ivf journey. I think it’s important everyone’s experiences can be expressed. One person’s positive experience doesn’t diminish another person’s negative or traumatic experience. There are stories along the entire spectrum full of heartbreak and sometimes profound joy too. I think as someone going through IVF, it is also beneficial to hear positive outcomes and I don’t think every story can speak to the depth of everyone’s experiences. Thank you to the author and for everyone in the comments for sharing such a deeply personal and fraught conversation.
I’m a childfree woman. After struggling with infertility and loss, my husband and I made the decision to not do IVF and prolong what was already an incredibly difficult time. It’s been a healing journey and I can FINALLY look back at that struggle with perspective and look forward to our current and future childfree life with joy. I never thought that would be possible. I thought I’d carry that loss around forever and I’ve been able to reimagine my life and what my family will look like and actually find joy in being free from children and living a life on my own time and terms
Digging through this thread to find something that resonated, and this was it. Thank you, Willow, for sharing a bit of that joy.
Thank you for sharing, Willow. I’m in the same boat. We spent 3 years trying to conceive naturally. During that time, I felt increasingly detached from my body and from my partner. It nearly broke me. The idea of continuing on with IUI or IVF felt wrong in my core.
Now, 8 months removed from that decision, I feel joyful and optimistic about a childfree future. I’m sending hugs to everyone here who is on their own fertility journey.
thank you for sharing!
love the depiction of the embryologist here, ‘Embryologists rule!’ during my experience with ivf I just loved the embryologist who looked after our embryos. She humanised the experience, gave me hope. Helped me feel that I was handing these embryos over to a caring and competent person who would do their best to nurture them. Thank you so much to the amazing people that work in fertility clinics. Your care makes so much difference.
Your post really resonated with me. I loved our fertility clinic and the doctors and staff who worked there. I remember leaving the office in tears when I was told it was time to start seeing my normal ob/gyn.
It took an entire team of people to get me pregnant both times and I felt so supported and cheered on. I remember, Roz, our favorite nurse standing behind the doctor with her fingers crossed, waiting to find out if I was pregnant with one or two. I think she was as invested in me being pregnant as I was.
They are miracle workers and they made what could have been a miserable experience, a bearable and memorable (and often funny!) experience.
We did 3 rounds of IVF with one egg retreival – me who earlier said that i’d never do IVF. I thought it will just happen, I never had issues, why not? But beeing 38 my husband 49 we were advised to do it, so there we went and 2 years of ups and downs, 2 failed embryo transfers and 1 baby loss later we stopped and came up for fresh air. That’s how I felt then, 2 years ago , that IVF will suffocate me, my life. I was then also diagnosed with Crohns – and although I’m the lucky one, its not serious my priorities shifted: health and our relationship with my husband is the most important and we will go on in life as a couple without children. But I didn’t want to put my body though more, as who knows how this will effect my health later? I believe this is not selfish, but a smart decision.
I made peace with this, although I believe the pain will remain in my life – but thats OK. I tried, I’ve fought and now I live for myself. I even dare to say that it’s better like this…I have the freedom, I’m interviewing at my current employer for a relocation to our Paris office and cannot be more excited! ladies: very happy for those who succeeded but those who didn’t: there is more to life and you can be happy!
Has anyone heard the podcast The Retrievals? Its a NYT podcast that was advertised after The Daily. As someone who went through IVF, I found it to be interesting but also very difficult to listen to. Thoughts on how other people received it.
I listened to the first episode and as someone who went thru IVF and is currently pregnant, after experiencing a miscarriage with my first embryo transfer I was horrified. About half way thru I started crying uncontrollably and had to stop listening. The journey is already so hard! To have women suffer unjustly and then not believe their pain is cruel beyond words. My heart went out to all those women and to anyone going thru IVF. Always follow your gut and find someone you trust that you can talk to, it helps.
Yes! I did not go through this experience but listening was intense. The point being made about how women’s knowledge and pain have zero validity…. whew!
I’m hesitant to add my voice because as far as infertility journeys go we won the IVF jackpot and have two beautiful girls from one retrieval and two FETs. I saw the light at the end of the tunnel when I was pregnant with my second and thought that after her birth I’d emerge healed from the years of loss and isolation that came along with infertility. Instead I hemorrhaged during delivery and had to have an emergency hysterectomy to save my life. Now I am truly infertile. It is such a soup of gratitude and grief. At the end of the day it is the choice being taken away that is so hard. It’s a long road to healing and I’m cheering everyone here on; you are all so very brave.
“…and thought that after her birth I’d emerge healed from the years of loss and isolation that came along with infertility”
Wow. You took feelings I didn’t know I had and put them into words. Taking this to my therapist this week to unpack in my own life. Thank you for sharing – this community is a true treasure. Much love to you
A few things about my journey with IVF:
– Putting things in the hands of science was the healing phase of my infertility grieving process. Instead of waiting month after month, wondering why nothing’s working, a doctor calls me and tells me exactly what’s going on. Yes, please.
– I started a group thread with my closest girlfriends at the beginning of the process. Having a support group to share my news (good, bad, and mundane) with was my lifeline.
– This morning, I walked out of my IVF clinic carrying my baby’s first picture (at 7 weeks). But it was tucked in my purse, out of sight of the women and couples sitting in the waiting room. If pregnancy loss and infertility struggles have taught me anything, it’s to be extra sensitive to the feelings of people hoping for the miracle of parenthood.
Katy is that you?! Love you!
Checking in to see why my comment wasn’t posted. I think my disappointment in the post was expressed in a respectful way.
it was posted! but we don’t moderate comments after approx 8pm at night because we’re sleeping or with our kids. (you posted at 10pm, then followed up at 1am.) but then it will appear the next morning. thank you!
Thanks so much for your reply, Joanna. It’s such an emotionally loaded issue for me. Sorry for being so overzealous :)
I’m all for IVF representation here and the illustrations are adorable, but I feel like this post missed the mark and fails to accurately represent the intensity and grief that characterize IVF for most friends and family I know who have struggled with infertility, including myself. We were some of the very lucky ones who ended up making it to #10, but the journey was (obviously) hardly this simple or positive. And it bugs me that so many people who have never been there think it actually *is* as simple and positive as the comic portrays. IVF can certainly create the most amazing of modern miracles, but for many, it’s one of the hardest physical, emotional, spiritual, relational, and financial challenges they’ve had to navigate.
Jenna I had the same reaction. This hit me as really tone-deaf. I guess I’m happy the author didn’t have the traumatic experience I had (or at least didn’t show it here) but I guess I don’t understand what the point of posting it at all is – to explain the process in a dumbed down way? Feels icky.
Echoing your sentiment, I actually felt like this was depiction of IVF was way too cutesy and doesn’t resemble what I (and so many others) have experienced.
PTOOEY!
Thank you for sharing, Ruth!
Sending love to everyone who is trying. <3
I know that this post only represents one person’s experience, but- woah- this certainly feels like a cute little trivialization of the actual living nightmare IVF was for me and is for the majority of women. Perhaps this helps her cope? I’m truly baffled. I can’t imagine many women identify with this and, worse even, this makes the process look easy to those who have little firsthand knowledge.
I often don’t even check motherhood Monday’s after so many years of fertility heartbreak. As an avid reader most other days, I was excited to see an IVF post! But what a disappointment.
Yeah, I’m with you on this one. Everyone’s experience of infertility is different but mine drove me deep into a terrifying depression that had me contemplating hurting myself. It would be fine to present this experience if there were more infertility content on this site in general, and I do think it seems like CoJ is improving on that front, but this was just really weird to read. Like, *squee!* is nowhere near the emotional range I was in during what were literally the darkest and most painful days of my existence?
This post is one person’s personal experience. Everyone has different experiences, and I always find it strange when someone thinks that someone else’s isn’t right because it differs from their own…
@Emily Johnson, I am so sorry for your pain. I do want to say that this lighthearted depiction of IVF made me laugh and resonated with me. The “heartbreak” and “again and again” slides worked for me to acknowledge how difficult IVF was. All this to say that we each relate to different things. I hope you find comfort in other fertility journey posts.
I’m in my early 30s and have a rather rough go of dating (read: pretty much always single) and it’s been tough seeing friends get married and have kids and some are on round 2 even. My older sister struggled to get pregnant but decided IVF just wasn’t for her but I was so frustrated at her for not trying (more context to this) obviously I did not share my feelings since it’s her experience. But I have to say these comments are truly helpful to read because it really isn’t a guarantee and it’s a serious journey. I guess it bugged me because I feel like I haven’t even gotten to try yet being partnerless and I’m afraid I’ll have to make that call one day too. Ugh. It’s just so hard all of it. Sorry if this sounded selfish just sharing another sort of secondary perspective.
Two failed rounds, first at 41, the second at 42. Neither successful and that was that. The WORST thing people would say is “once you stop trying it will happen.” Ugh.
I do have a son from a prior relationship (I was VERY young). So now we will wait for a grand baby in the future. Much later future I hope.
Thank you for this post! For those who commented that seeing IVF representation is helpful, I wanted to share that Season 3 of Master of None follows an IVF journey and is beautifully done. It is fairly stand alone from Seasons 1 and 2 and can be watched on its own. Warm wishes and best of luck to all those trying, you are not alone <3
Yes to all of this. After multiple losses with secondary infertility, we went through IVF and three cancelled cycles and one cycle that resulted in no embroyos, I felt unmoored. My amazing RE told me that we could try again or I could roll the dice and try for a natural conception. She said if I was her sister, she’d recommend the latter. Opening myself up for the strong possibility another miscarriage felt impossible but somehow it worked. She’s two and I still pinch myself.
Sitting here trying to entertain a cranky almost-six-month old who was the result of three retrievals and one transfer that I swear was successful just to spite my IVF doctor with whom I did not agree and was fairly sure was a bot, since all our convos were over Zoom and she had all the charm and canned responses of one…
The horrible, heartbreaking uncertainty of IVF feels so distant when in the midst of diaper changes and why-is-he-crying?! but I do remember it and wonder how the hell we persisted- especially me, a needlephobe! But it also makes it feel like I have no right to complain about the exhausting slog that parenthood can be- the first month I think I cried every night along with the baby because I felt like such a fool for trying so damn hard for this baby that was a little screeching, unknowable alien in my lap. If I’d gotten knocked up while drunk on vacation, I’d feel like I could complain all day about the bad and boring and just bland bits of having a baby, but because we put sooooo much effort into it, I’m only allowed to think every blowout is a blessing!
My heart and hugs to everyone dealing with infertility xx
Jane, if I can, I’d love to firmly but kindly tell you you can complain. I have been you and around the time I went back to work I found myself in a complete tail spin about leaving this little thing we *so* wanted in someone else’s hands.
I saw a counseller who wore a leather jacket and looked somewhat like Bill Nighy. He told me that ‘self-sacrifice comes from love, but it is not the same as love’. Your kid wants a parent who feels all the feelings, good and bad, and doesn’t shame themself for any of them. That’s how we show our kids not to be ashamed of their feelings.
I hope this doesn’t sound trite or patronising, but you have earned the right to complain, even more so than everyone else!
Oh, you can definitely complain! Those newborn days are so hard. You had a hard journey to get there, too. Complain all you need, about all of it.
@Nicola the tailspin…. I so resonate with that….how did you make peace with it?
@ Jessica, this therapist was amazing. Very tough love and so not what I expected (which was to have someone say ‘yes poor you, so hard what you’ve been through’).
He basically told me there are two ways for a child to see the world, that it’s wonderful with a few patches of danger, and mum will help you navigate the danger. Or that its dangerous with a few patches of wonder, so stick close to mum at all times to avoid the danger. Obviously the first view leads to a happier life.
So every time he looks at me to see if it’s okay to be out in the world away from mum, I think to myself ‘full of wonder, only patches of danger’. I’ve decided that it is the biggest gift I can give him to let him enjoy this life we gave him, not be afraid of it… (but it is tough going some times).
After a TFMR @ 21 weeks (on the day the Dobbs ruling came down, no less), we are in the midst of IVF with PGT-M…alphabet soup! Finally finished five rounds of stimulation and will try transferring soon.
It feels like being on a seesaw between grief and hope, which is so humbling. On the days when I’m not feeling completely wrung out, I am buoyed by remembering that both grief and hope are so very human.
The grief/hope seesaw is real, and it is so hard.
I was not prepared for that emotional up and down, and how the extra stress made it harder to deal with the basic boring logistics of it all (how do we even fit all of the appointments on the schedule??)
Sending love and care to you, and a little extra hope for your upcoming transfer!
I have two children through IVF, and I lost four pregnancies. One was an ectopic, one was a miscarriage, and two were chemical pregnancies which at least were not so drawn-out and physically difficult. IVF—and the whole process of testing and other treatments that led up to it—was brutal. Sometimes I look at my gorgeous children and can hardly believe I did all that. It feels like another life, and I think I have blocked out so much of what I went through to get here. They were worth it. But I still can’t think too much about how hard it all was before my mind just refuses to go there.
For everyone sharing their stories about unsuccessful IVF and the emotional, physical, and financial toll it takes – THANK YOU! I, too, went through several rounds of IVF and took out loans to pay for it which we’re just now paying off. IVF wasn’t successful for us and we ultimately decided not to try anymore – we didn’t want to go further into debt for more rounds and adoption was just as expensive.
Like some of the other comments, I was also ambivalent about having children – some days I yearned for a child and other days I was content with my life as it was. That said, there is still a grieving process and I think I’ll always carry a sadness about not being a mother.
Most of the stories I see are the successful ones, despite the real statistics that IVF doesn’t work most of the time. It’s a very lonely journey and I’m so thankful to hear from other women who have gone through this too.
And, of course, I’m happy for all the successful IVF families out there.
As someone who’s been going through IVF for 2 years now, it was a bit frustrating to see this post. Stories like this perpetuate a narrative that you should always try one more thing, even after repeated heartbreak, to get to you dream of a baby. The truth is for many women IVF ends without the baby.
yes, I’m so sorry. this was about ruth’s journey, but I completely understand how hard it can be for people to see that, and how stories we share should reflect what many, many people experience. here are a few more stories, if this is helpful, and I apologize that this was frustrating and potentially triggering. https://cupofjo.com/tag/infertility/
I was lucky enough to have a child through IVF. (Though I’ve been trying for a second one, it has thus far not worked out.) When I read the comments from people who are deep in the process and trying for their first child, I want to reach out and hug each and every one of them. I just want to say to that you are not alone, that I’m sorry this is happening to you, that there is nothing wrong with you, and that everything you are doing is brave and beautiful–whether it works or not. To paraphrase a writer I love, “all the poems of your life are not yet written.” I wish gorgeous, happy lives to each and every one of you.
What a beautiful comment. I’m starting my 1st round of IVF in a few weeks with a mix of hope and anxiety. I’ll carry your words with me.
I’ve had three friends go through IVF and none succeeded for various reasons including the most frustrating one: the clinic didn’t know why it didn’t work. Two of the three ended up adopting and the third went with a surrogate but was able to use her own eggs. What surprised me was how mean some people were about the whole thing. All three miscarried at least once and had to endure comments like “What did you do? You must have done something wrong.” “There’s something wrong with you.” “Is the baby going to be a normal baby?” And so on. Made me want to kick some of those people in the shins. And these were family members! :-(
Oh Riye, I would love you to kick some of my people in the shins!
A doctor told me “it’s like the first pancake…you have to throw it out”
“It was god’s plan” and “were you taking vitamins” are two of the comments I routinely found the most hurtful
Grace: What a stupid thing to say to you. Call me! I’ll be there! We’ll do it together. :-D
P.S. Good luck and lots of hugs to everybody out there on the IVF path. Please know there’s a lot of folks here rooting for you!
Whoah! As someone who had successful IVF the first time around, followed by many unsuccessful rounds and a loss (n.2 hasn’t happened so far), this comment made me cry. People can be so horrible!
I did 3 IUIs and one round of IVF that went so poorly we didn’t even do the egg retrieval and instead did an IUI that was unsuccessful. Going into infertility I said I’d never consider a donor egg but after exploring all of our options it turned out to be the best option for us. I now have a two year old little boy. Having used a donor, this journey will have a deep impact on both my own and my son’s life. It is not for the feint of heart but I am so grateful the option was there for my family.
IVF because breast cancer at 35. I was 6 months married. We were trying. In the days that followed my diagnosis we were encouraged to decide about trying to freeze embryos very quickly. Two rounds harvested, five embryos frozen and seven years later I’m nursing my seven-month-old as I type this comment. We are the lucky ones, I know, and I ache for those without a baby at the end of an IVF journey.
What a journey. I’m so happy for you.
IVF is truly a physical and emotional rollercoaster. The hope, the loss, the loneliness. We’ve been on this roller coaster for years now, and after I lost my first baby, an experience that was the most isolating and lonely of my life, I’ve started to be really open about it. And it’s amazing that by being open and vulnerable with others, you learn just how many other families have shared in the journey. I’m currently 13 weeks pregnant, and praying every day that this is my miracle. Sending so much love to every family going through this. Even though it feels like it, you aren’t alone.
Oh my gosh, this comic really spoke to me. I struggled with IVF failures for a year, and FINALLY on our fourth transfer with our fifth embryo, it just worked, no explanation for why except “it’s a numbers game.” Just gave birth to that amazing miracle embryo/baby a month ago (a day 7 blastocyst for those in the know!) but the grief and anxiety of failed transfer after failed transfer will probably never leave me.
Ugh that “numbers game” attitude is so heartless, especially coming from the professionals you are trusting with you future and paying a fortune. It completely negates the soaring hope and crushing despair. Also, as a humanities/arts graduate, I believed it was a genuine 50/50 chance each time but the actual success rate is nothing like that.
I had a surprise cancer diagnosis in 2019 that required removing my ovaries. We completed one quick round of IVF before my treatment and once healed, had an unsuccessful embryo transfer. I only had 2 embryos make it to day 2 so we did a hail mary transfer as it was my last chance at having any of my own genetic children. Sadly and unsurprisingly, it didn’t work. I was heartbroken. But! My younger sister became my egg donor and I became pregnant with a fiery red-headed baby girl who looks so much like her cousin! I am forever grateful to my superhero sister and in awe of those who go the donor route like us! I am now a fertility nurse at the clinic that brought me my rainbow baby :)
Currently at step 7, but have a scheduled retrieval on the 17th. 🤞🏼
“Now I’m gunna go grab a boba straw real quick.” Ha! Love it.
Three rounds of IVF, 4 transfers of PGT normal embryos, three pregnancy losses… and now I’m starting another transfer soon. It’s been a hard journey. Somehow amid all the loss, anxiety, heartbreak, and money spent, my husband and I still have hope, and I’m not sure how it’s all going to end. Baby dust and much love to all going through IVF.
sending you so much love, Sophia. all my fingers and toes are crossed for you. xo
Praying for you 🙏
Number 9 made me smile and then laugh! I’m going to hang onto that image. Thanks for making the process so visual, human and sweet. I needed this today! Love all your comics Ruth (the Lunar new year one is an all time fave 🤑)
What is the best way to present a pregnancy in a world in which so many sisters struggle to get pregnant? While pregnancy is not one such area, there are other “normal” areas of life that have not been so normal for me, and which when brought up in conversations, in the media, etc., provoke gut wrenching pain and feelings of loneliness, and I wish the world was more aware of those of us who have losses or complicated paths there.
Some things that helped me:
– Try to avoid phrases that indicate it was easy to get pregnant. The “oops” pregnancy can be hard for those who are trying so hard. My sister in law was always “Wow, it happened on our first try- AGAIN!” and that always felt like a punch to the gut.
– If you have friends who are struggling, I think it’s best to text them your news. That way, you aren’t putting them on the spot. They can process their emotions privately before responding.
I agree with Jordan about avoiding the talk about how easy it is and to text first. I also don’t love when people avoid telling me for fear of hurting my feelings – that just makes me feel excluded and I want to share in my friends’ joy! The best thing my friends have done for me is to acknowledge what I’m going through and let me know they’re thinking of me on my own journey, but wanted to share their news as well. The simple act or acknowledging someone is going through a hard time goes a really long way! The worst is when people either totally don’t acknowledge it OR are super shady and don’t say anything to you and you find out through another friend. Just be honest that you understand the news might be hard for them to hear, you’re thinking of them and are hopeful for them in their journey, but since you’re close friends, you wanted to share your news.
Definitely agree that this news is best delivered by text. I have had to swallow hard lumps when some of my friends have shared their news, even though I am so happy for them it feels like a sucker punch and I have to think about what my face is doing.
For some of us, it ends at step 7, no matter how many rounds you try. Ultimately, I’m grateful I went through IVF; I know that I did everything within my power to try to have a child, which for me at least gives me some peace. But I bought that peace at the price of a lot of financial loss, physical trial and emotional anguish. It’s been a decade since hitting the end point, and most days I’m all right. Nobody gets everything in life; that’s just how it is.
Yet even earlier today, I drove by a mom with a kid in a stroller and teared up behind the wheel. It will never really be over.
I’m so sorry, Amy. that sounds so hard.
I feel you. It is frustrating because the stories we tell are the ones that end with a baby. Society doesn’t let us talk about all the times it doesn’t end with the baby. It’s often too painful.
Thank you for this. After 6 years of iui/ivf, I realized my body couldn’t physically do any more. I feel better knowing I did everything I could, but sometimes it just makes me so angry. But you’re right-Nobody gets everything in life; that’s just how it is. It will never really be over.
p.s. I know that infertility is a very very tough journey, but during my infertility journey, making things lighter by giggling at what we could, or blasting 80s music during shots, etc helped immensely. So I love this cutesy comic!!
I decided not to go ahead with ivf after I pushed for stats and found out the love birth rate for my age was so low. I weighed the cost (re motional and physical) against the stats and we decided or had to be a no. still heartbreaking a decision it was and I was numb with the loss for a long time after.
so excited to see an infertility post!
long infertility story here that my fingers don’t feel like typing but I feel seen! thank you!
I’m about to start this process, and am about to turn 35 with a VERY low AMH level but a higher follicle count at my first ultrasound than expected, which I hope means something.
So far all I can add would be a one about THE COST!!! As a Canadian I am luckily enough to be accustomed to health care costs being covered. We are two lawyers, no kids, and still cannot cover even the costs of one round without help from my dad. I don’t think we’ll be able to afford a second round, at least until next year. The clinic does not offer any kind of payment plan. Who has $10,000+ sitting in their chequings account ready to drop on day 1?!? It’s wild and heartbreaking for me to think of all the folks and families for whom this option is completely unobtainable due to the massive cost burden.
Fellow Canadian. I’m sure you already know this but just in case…keep all your receipts. You can claim all your expenses and you’ll get some of the money back. Also, I used my credit card at my clinic. I wanted the points. Sending you so much love and strength throughout your journey. xo
A friend took out a loan
30,000 USD for one IVF round in the US. We were incredibly lucky that our startup was based in one of the few states that requires full coverage of fertility treatments (MA), we would have certainly not have been able to do it otherwise.
Yep, we spent just under $100k to conceive our IVF twins. That included the cost of lots and lots of donor sperm. We saved and saved and took out two loans.
Fellow Canadian. The financial aspect is huge and often overlooked. It enrages me that fertility treatment is considered elective. Save every receipt to claim on your taxes though! We got almost 50% back after our retrieval costs.
Going through this process myself—we went the route of ART with a donor egg and like others were similarly taken aback with the last panel of the comic. (although #9 is a pretty dang cute drawing and of course we want to share in the joy that the artist was able to get to that place). I’ve met some wonderful, supportive people through a peer-led support group via Resolve. https://resolve.org/ and wanted to share that as a resource for those looking to find others going through this experience.
IVF was the worst thing that ever happened to me. The most isolating, terrible process, during COVID no less. We had one successful FET that ended in a 15 week loss. I’m not sure if my marriage will ever recover. Of course, going on a long IVF journey, complete with loss, and not ending in a living baby, colors my experience. But I wish more than anything I could tell my former self to stop. Just stop while you’re ahead. Take care of yourself and your marriage as best as you can. I would tell her that as broken as she feels already, this will only make things worse.
And yeah. No insurance coverage so just traded our savings account in exchange for PTSD.
I’m so sorry. This system is fucked up and you did the best you could with the situation you were in. <3
I’m so sorry, Kelly. xo
<3
Honestly a refreshing take. Thank you for sharing xx
I feel totally alone in my IVF journey because I have been indifferent about becoming a mother my whole life but it’s something my husband always wanted. It has been a lot to put my body through for the past year+ without the excitement for the happy ending. I had two miscarriages before IVF and the hormonal rollercoaster has been really hard on me, not to mention the physical parts. I just want it to be over.
My story is incredibly similar to yours. Ambivalent about being a mother, but not having children was a deal breaker for my husband. We now have a three year old and a baby and the physical toll was miserable but you don’t remember it when it’s over. I hope you get your happy ending.
Sending you love, Sara. I hope you can feel empowered to do what’s best for YOU.
Hey Sarah, you’re not alone! I’m in a similar position- I also didn’t feel pulled to be a mother but my husband has always really wanted kids, so here we are on our 4th round of stims. IVF is a LOT and whatever you are feeling is valid.
Oooooh can we please not presume that “you don’t remember it when it’s over” is a fact for everyone? I love my baby with every single fiber of my being and am so grateful that he is here but I HATED IVF and cried every single day of that process. I resented my husband, resented the side effects…I didn’t suddenly wake up and have those feelings disappear, and I don’t think we should assume everyone will just forget the physical toll it can cause.
This is great, thank you for acknowledging that IVF doesn’t always work. And congratulations to the author that it worked for her!
I am an IVF dropout/failure after I put 3 years of my all into it. I had structural uterine defects (a deep uterine septum) that required several surgeries to correct. In addition to those surgeries, I did two egg retrievals and 6 frozen embryo transfers of PGT normal embryos. 3 times I got no implantation, 3 times I got pregnant and miscarried in the first trimester. We moved to gestational surrogacy and my biggest dream came true last fall when my daughter was born. 2 months later, I got pregnant spontaneously (first time that ever happened to me) and am now 35 weeks with my second.
We really don’t have much control over our fertility, though birth control and procedures like IVF make us think we do. My experience has taught me to embrace the chaos, the mystery, and the beauty of whether and how we bring new life
into the world.
My husband and I started trying to get pregnant in 2015, when I was 35. In 2017 after nothing happened we met with a fertility doctor. He had his sperm count checked (all good there), I had bloodwork, an intra-uterine ultrasound while on my period (the ultrasound dildo of doom, as my friends and I call it), and a very painful hysterosalpingogram. After all this and $4000 we were given the helpful diagnosis of unexplained infertility.
I elected not to do IUI or IVF. I knew that I could be happy without children and at my age I didn’t want to go that route. And because of this, I’ve had every garbage comment thrown my way. “Well maybe you didn’t want kids badly enough.” “I heard that after you adopt/do IVF that conceiving naturally gets easier!” (Sooooo much wrong with that one, my goodness). My aunt got drunk after my Mom Mom’s funeral and cornered me and said “Why don’t you just go on Clomid?!”
I never felt like I was part of the infertile crowd because I didn’t take on extra measures to conceive. Part of me was too angry that it’s so easy for so many people. Part of me was afraid. A lot of me felt that the stress on my body for a possibility wasn’t worth it. And I feel like people don’t think I grieve because of it, which I do. My husband and I made a decision to try and get pregnant, and that decision was taken out of my hands. I feel like I failed him, I failed me, I failed my mom who was so excited for me to be pregnant. Now I’m 43 and no longer want that. It’s a weirdly lonely place to be.
My friends and I call the ultrasounds “getting corn dogged.” Stupid, but makes a shit situation a little lighter.
You’re not alone, Julie! My husband and I tried to become pregnant and were unsuccessful. We started the evaluation process with the fertility clinic, but it suddenly dawned on me that I didn’t want to go that route. Like you, I knew I could be happy without children, and my husband was happy to follow my lead. I decided to prioritize my health and my marriage, which for us, meant not going forward with IVF. I feel peaceful with that decision, but it still feels confusing and sad that we “failed” in our efforts.
I am so relieved to see IVF is more out in the open than it was when I went through it 18 years ago. It was hush-hush then and felt so isolating, heartbreaking, scary, and lonely. My daughter is now 16 but I am always quick to say that we went through IVF (and so much more) whenever someone confides that they are having trouble conceiving in the hope that they won’t feel so alone. The IVF journey and anyone experiencing it have such a raw and loving place in my heart.
I’d add explorative surgery to make sure I don’t have endometriosis and, of course, injecting myself with I don’t know how many needles. Plus shoving a lot of pills where I didn’t expect pills to go (progesterone). 😅Worth it, though! We were very, very fortunate and had one of our two fertilized eggs stick and are now proud parents to a awesome baby.
IVF can be hard.. I had a successful IVF and have 2 beatiful twin boys and then some years later a surprise 3rd boy (specialists say that you can be very fertile after IVF). But my heart is always aching for the ones going through infertility and IVF because I’ve been through the pain, agony, jealousy, desperation..every single feeling infertility comes along with. It’s good to share stories to show other women that they’re not alone. And it’s encouraging to share success stories too whether through IVF, hormonal treatment, natural surprise before a scheduled IVF, adoption or change of plans after trying it all 😊
Same here – IVF twins that required a lot of effort and a lot of people – and then a surprise 3 years later that just my husband and I made!
Thats so true!!! I’ve a succesfull IVF after 12 years of trying, they supposed to be twins but only one survive. One year later we have a surprise girl, so now we have two beautiful girls one year appart.
“Step 7: The Heartbreak” really hit me. We tried to transfer our last embryo last month, and it’s not looking great. How many times can I google “what if my HCG levels stay exactly the same?” with the hope of a different outcome?
Sometimes Step 7 is played on repeat.
Thanks for sharing your experience, Ruth. It’s such a difficult process and it’s often done in isolation. So glad you experience joy at the end of it. :)
After a year and a half of trying and 4 rounds of IUI, I finally felt mentally ready to start IVF…but I wish I went straight to IVF in the end. The shots weren’t as bad as I thought, and I was insanely lucky to have the first fresh transfer work. Baby Arthur is now 7 weeks old and a delight!
I would love to take the IVF journey but $24,000!?!?! seems impossible…My husband and I both have full time jobs with “good benefits” that somehow include zero coverage for fertility issues. I don’t know why this isn’t a bigger effing deal. I love babies. I am so happy for my pregnant friends (and pregnant strangers!), but man…it’s a gut punch every time I see someone pregnant.
And there are so many women like me! I got into a weirdly long conversation with a woman working the check out at Tractor Supply about her IUI/IVF journey. I suppose that’s an upside – the sisterhood of it all.
Yes! Doesn’t Tractor Supply give fertility benefits after a year of employment?? There really should be more access to it! I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. Having a baby shouldn’t have a monetary value attached to it.
omg seeing pregnant people while doing IVF…torture.
My IVF experience was a little different because we did natural-cycle IVF since my body couldn’t tolerate the synthetic hormones. (I had endometriosis that presented as ovarian cysts.) We did 6 cycles. The first retrieval produced an egg that wasn’t viable. Tries 2-5, I surged before they could retrieve the egg. We almost gave up, but decided to try 1 more time. The fertility clinic was so kind to us and basically comped us 3 rounds (we only paid for 3) because they had just started experimenting with natural-cycle. And, our son was their first successful NC-IVF baby! It was such a roller coaster experience, but nothing will ever match the joy we felt when the clinic called to say the egg was viable and the day we had a positive test! It was also a very intense experience with sooooo much of my time and energy focused on successfully conceiving. Going to the clinic for monitoring before work (so much driving! We actually bought our first car to manage it.), on top of wellness checks by regular doctor, therapy for my mental health, and repeated visits to integrative clinic for nutritionist, Reiki, and hypnotherapy. It was the single most expensive thing we’ve ever done. I don’t regret it at all. I mourn the loss of an unassisted pregnancy (I have never conceived naturally). And I could not bring myself to do it ALL again for a 2nd child, especially not while learning to mother our son. He’s almost 16 and I feel so happy he exists and so proud of him! (I also had 2 surgeries to remove endometrial tissue prior to conceiving, then required a C-section because of placenta previa and I think those three surgeries took a toll, too.) My heart goes out to anyone dealing with infertility, IVF, pregnancy, birth, and mothering. They’re all monumental tasks! One thing we did that I think made a huge difference in how we coped (and possibly conceiving, who knows?) was joining a support group with other couples experiencing infertility that was led by an acupuncturist. It encompassed so much, and not feeling alone helped so much. (I just remembered that I met a fertility coach through that group, too, so that was another professional I worked with.) Whew! Love to you all! Thank you, CoJ for providing a safe place to share our experiences!
Three rounds. No baby.
Oh Laura. I’m so sorry. My husband and I decided to stop trying after our last failed round of IVF and one of the hardest things I find is that there’s no formalized way of mourning the loss. Sending love to you on your journey.
Oh, I’m so challenged by this. Years of IVF and treatment and no take-home baby and this cute comic really felt like a punch in the gut.
I absolutely LOVE Ruth’s art and appreciate that this is her truth. I also feel like posting these graphics without further acknowledgement of the terrors and all of the people for whom this process is not neatly tied in a bow… augh. I have been so grateful for the COJ coverage on infertility, and was so surprised at how much this missed from the IVF journey of many.
i also found this so difficult out to see…i would say heartbreak is 90% of it, not to mention anxiety, loneliness, etc….
happy for anyone that can find success but also hard not to hold a little bit of a grudge
Natalie, I agree with you on this post. And I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through and are continuing to experience and feel.
IVF is so intense and heavy, I have to think, for everyone, regardless of ultimate outcome. I appreciate Ruth and her experience, and I recognize everyone expresses themselves differently (illustrators gonna illustrate), but the juxtaposition of the cutesy drawings against my lived reality of the IVF process is jarring.
I did fertility treatments for FOUR years. I have diminished ovarian reserve so I had lots of cycles with one egg or no eggs. It was the hardest thing I ever did. I transferred my last embryo last year and I’m cuddling my baby girl right now. My heart aches for anyone in the thick of things. Xo
IVF was such a long loneliness. The physicality or managing shots, appointments, finances, was one challenge but the emotional weight of mixed up grief, hope, fear, envy, and shame was the hardest for me.
I just hold so much love and compassion and tears for anyone journeying through it.
I did not have IVF and I can’t speak to its struggles. After a year+ of TTC, my doc ordered a hysterosalpingogram (xray procedure involving inserting dye). What stood out to me was the two exceptionally kind nurses, one on either side of me, supporting me during extreme discomfort, and a communicative, patient female doctor doing the procedure. I was in a very delicate state considering the circumstances for being there and I was overwhelmed by their kindness and patience. Every time I hear of a woman going through a medical procedure related to fertility I think of them and hope others are able to have that kindness.
Thank you Ruth for sharing this wonderful story, and congratulations!
My IVF journey was not successful. Only two eggs were retrieved, and neither were genetically viable. The heartbreak and the cost were just too much to try again. After four miscarriages, and the failed round of IVF, we decided to stop trying to have biological children in January of 2022. But with therapy, I realized that more than anything I wanted to be a parent. 1.5 years later, we are the adoptive parents of a six-week-old baby boy, and we are over the moon. Adoption comes with its own financial burdens and heartache, but it was the right choice for us.
Along the way, I have learned that everyone has their own path. Some become parents through IVF, and that is wonderful. Some become parents through adoption, and that is wonderful. Some decide to not become parents but have a wonderful generative impact on other’s lives by being an aunt, mentor, or teacher.
There is no one way to live a meaningful life. I am sending love to everyone here in the comments who are discovering where their path will take them.
This is so beautiful and so true. Thank you, and congrats!
Beautifully written
I am in the middle of my IVF experience – post-egg retrieval but pre-transfer – and I could not click that “continue reading” button fast enough. Ha!
I love Ruth Chan’s illustrations, but my artistic interpretation, if I felt so inclined, would be much more atmospheric, moodier, foggier. The process, while generally hopeful, has wreaked havoc on my body and emotions (all those hormones!) I’m really hopeful about the little blasts waiting for me, but I’m currently trying to get my thyroid re-regulated. It’s really protesting all the changes I went through for that egg retrieval!
Me too! On everything you said. Good luck on the next phase! We find out genetic testing in 2 weeks. Trying to keep myself busy so I don’t think about it too much. Reading medical mediums book on thyroid.
Meghan, thank you for your comment! It comforting in that I truly find strength in the solidarity of shared experience (although I wish our thyroid would figure it out already ha!). What is the book you’re reading? I’m hopeful for your genetic results. We got ours back last week with good news! Good luck with with everything. Know that I am rooting for you!
Ugh, please excuse my typos. I was excitedly typing! :)
Even though my two IVF babies just turned 11 and 13, I still feel bitter when I hear someone joke about how easy it was for them to get pregnant. The flip side of that bitterness is I have never forgotten how lucky we are to have our two sons. I’ve never taken motherhood for granted.
The other upside is how thrilled I am when I hear about other hard-earned pregnancies. I will always have a kinship with other IVF mamas no matter how many years it has been since my rounds.
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