7 Tips for Raising Grateful Children

What a great post. I definitely need to start resisting the urge to expose him to a bunch of toys at once simply because I want to pacify him.

I remember as a kid hearing “maybe for your birthday” a lot. I was probably always bouncing around begging for a toy. But I remember when those birthdays came around and just a few gifts were received, I was so sad. Maybe I didn’t remember the specific toy I wanted on that April afternoon, but I always had the expectation that when my birthday or Christmas came around, my mother would remember all those specific things I wanted, but what she basically promised me (or so I thought) was just an appeasement to get me to calm down. My little brain couldn’t process the phrase “maybe”. While its taken me some time to calm my high expectations around birthdays, I sometimes still wonder, will my husband remember that candle I was pining for at the boutique, will he get the new kitchen gadget I saw 6 months ago, will this be the year that I get everything I ever asked for? In retrospect, its not a good feeling to live with, pinning expectations on a day that is just another day with cake and a unwrapped box full of art supplies that are nice, but they aren’t the barbie that I thought about all year.

Just wanted to say that I have 3 teens over 16 and they work with us in our family business on holidays and during the summer. They don’t earn a penny but know exactly how hard we work to afford the things we do. They don’t ask for much and when they get things (free college education) they thank us and appreciate it. Sometimes it’s not really what we say to them but what we show them….When they were little, if they’d ask for things, we were not afraid to use the words “not today honey”…

On setting expectations before shopping, when my sister and I were little, as we’d be approaching a really nice or expensive store, my mom would say, “Girls, this store is like a museum. Everything is very beautiful, but not for touching.” Even now, at 34, when my mom and I are out together and we head toward a pricey place, we’ll given each other a knowing look and say, “Museum!”

I love these ideas! My daughter has 3 wiggly teeth and I love the coupon idea. Maybe the tooth fairy will leave a quarter and a coupon to pick the movie for family movie night which she would love. Regarding things they want at the store, I created a wishlist photo album on my iPhone. When our kids see something at the store, I take a picture of them holding the item and we add it to their wishlist photo album. So now, when they see something they like, they’ll ask if I could add it to their wishlist. I have also created my own wishlist in my notes which has helped me tremendously to reduce costs and check my impulse buying :D. And I can share the wishlist with my husband :D

When we were kids, we received an allowance that corresponded with the grade we were in (i.e., first graders received $1 per week, second graders received $2 per week, etc.). Interestingly, it didn’t necessarily mean that we took on more responsibility as we got older and received more money. Our allowance was a separate thing, related to teaching us lessons about saving – we received it whether we were being lazy slugs or chore machines. In our family, there was an overall expectation that we would contribute as needed, when needed.

When my brother and I were about 9 and 11 we saved up together to buy a big lego box, I still remember the anticipation of waiting until we had enough money and the excitement of finally being able to get it!

I made a list of simple “chores” that my kids could choose to do if they wanted to earn some money. The rates are laughable – $0.05 for setting the table, $0.10 for clearing the table, $0.50 for making their bed EVERY DAY for a week. The amounts are small because I actually expect them to help with such things as a member of the household. But at the same time, it does give each of them a chance to have a bit of her own money to save and experiment with. The rule is, they get to buy whatever they want, even if it’s something I wouldn’t normally let them buy (like chewing gum!). My 7 year old is now saving for a laptop computer – hahaha!

I think this is such an interesting topic, especially for kids now who are growing up in the age of Youtube haul videos and other social media where it can seem like everyone else has all these amazing things.
I think teaching appreciating what you have is important, especially when it’s easier than ever to just throw away things and buy new ones. You could also link it to lessons about the environment and being conscious of what we send to landfill. For example you could have a policy to not replace any toys or clothes that kids break through carelessness. I remember cutting a hole in my school shirt on purpose as a child, and the shirt was just patched up and I had to continue wearing it (which I hated!). It also provides an opportunity to teach them valuable skills and stoke their interest in how things work. For example, if they rip their shirt climbing a tree, they can help sew it up. If they break one of their toys, they can figure out how to glue it back together, or reattach that part using cable ties etc.

When my daughter was 5, we started giving a small allowance each week ($2) if she completed her chores. But I noticed it started to send the wrong message: she learned that she could choose not to complete her chores if she didn’t care about the money!

I realised I probably had it backwards: we all have to do chores as part of living in a house with other people, that’s just basic respect. We now don’t give allowance for chores: she is just expected to do them each week. If she wants to earn money for purchases she can do extra jobs around the house, and we agree what each job is worth (“that’s a $2 job because it involves xyz”).

We give handmade gifts (pins, clay flowers, hats, etc) and food we cooked or prepared at home, with handwritten notes —to show appreciation, to give encouragement, etc. Since I am a stay-at-home mom and they are homeschooled, we are able to include making all sorts of stuff in our daily routine. They LOVE to bake and to draw. They want to be artists and chefs when they grow up. By giving gifts we carefully thought of and worked on, we hope we are inspiring them to value work and practice, nurture creativity and give happily from the heart. Even if we currently have $0 in our pocket. Do we have a piece of pretty paper, glue, scissors, pencil? Do we have fabric scraps, a needle and some thread? Do we have rice flour and sugar? Then, we have something to do and something to give. The process of creating something makes us happy, but giving the result/product as a gift brings a much greater joy! When we do buy a gift, it is usually practical and/or evokes the same sweet sentiment as our handmade card. One day, my youngest surprised me with her “3 financial tips”: 1.) Don’t buy it when you can make it. 2.) Don’t.believe.all.advertisements. Most of them just want you to spend all your money on things you don’t even really, really need. 3.) Don’t get someone to do something that you can do (for/by) yourself. Example, (learn to) give yourself and your family a haircut. ? Her words, not mine. She was 5. Also, she still tells me she loves her big sister’s “give-ups”… meaning, hand-me-down clothes. ?

On children and money, I would recommend Natalia Ginzburg’s powerful essay “The Little Virtues”, originally written in Italian. If you’re curious, there was a piece on its lessons in the New Yorker a while back.

She basically says that children should (insofar as the family’s material situation allows) be taught to be indifferent to money; to let it flow, rather than be prized over living and experiences.

That last comment from Anton reminds me of one of my favorite quotes from Kurt Vonnegut: “I urge you to please notice when you are happy, and exclaim or murmur or think at some point, ‘If this isn’t nice, I don’t know what is.’” Love that at such a young age, Anton has the wisdom to notice these moments!

The last bullet in this list really rings true to me. I grew up in an affluent family that was in so many ways far from happy. My dad remarried when I was 20 and the woman he married was a middle school teacher who had raised two children on her salary. She told me when her kids were little, she would place a bowl of fruit on the floor and they would all sit around it with paper and crayons and draw. When we see each other during the holidays, her nearly 30 year old children still remember those days.

Oh I really enjoyed this, thank you!

I go through cycles of remembering re paring things back and cherishing a few toys – but it makes a huge difference to how children play when they can focus on just a few things rather than feel distracted by too many options.

I think about this topic a lot – about helping our children stay grateful, kind, thoughtful people – especially in a non-religious framework like our family. Maybe too much bc of my background (research/ethics/policy), but it’s an important one. I wrote about it a while back, in case it’s of any interest:

https://themumandthemom.com/2018/05/10/on-values-in-a-non-religious-household/

I will totally be reading all the comments too as there are always gems in your comments section! :)

Hxx

For my kids birthday parties with school friends, we ask their friends to bring a donation instead of gifts. My daughter’s friends brought diapers and wipes as a donation for a women’s shelter (my daughter loves babies so we explained it as giving the diapers to babies who may not have enough), and my son’s friends brought cat food and litter (he loves cats and we don’t have one) which we donated to a local animal shelter. The kids then come with us to do the donation, which feels great and opens the door for some conversations we may not have otherwise had.

When our kids have asked why we don’t get presents from friends but others do (after seeing this at other parties), we just say that in our family the people that know us and love us give us gifts that they chose for us, but that we don’t need more things and would rather share with others that do need them. Plus, at the end of the day, isn’t it enough to have a party and eat cake :) ???

Love this blog and all of the lovely comments too!

A sponsored post, with such beautiful and thoughtful ideas and points. You won the internet today – despite the fact that Randy Rainbow has a new post out!

“This is the life.” So sweet. I’d add that one of the best things parents can do for kids is be responsible with their own money, and cultivate a healthy relationship with money and with shopping. We all know this basic truth: things will not make you happy. And yet, many people participate in “retail therapy” in a way that verges on addiction.

Kids are, generally, mirrors. So, for example, many of my (now grown) friends who have spending problems have parents who have spending problems. Many of my friends who are obsessed with money have parents who are obsessed with money. I think, on an individual level, it’s worth evaluating your own relationship with money—is it healthy? is it negative? is it obsessive? Are you treating money as more important than it is? Are you falling into the trap of thinking money is the key to happiness or the key to life?—and then making conscious choices to course-correct, keeping in mind that this money relationship is certainly something you can pass down to your children.