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Restaurant Anxieties
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My husband cringes anytime a server asks “how’s everything tasting?” Once a server asked, “how are we tasting over here?” It almost sent him over the edge!
This would also be great from the servers side.
1. Seeing a large party sat in your section
2. Someone is wearing a sash.
3. someone says they are ready to only keep looking at the menu when you have 8 other tables to go to
4. asking for no oil
5. asking if the kitchen will make you a chicken salad because you see a roast chicken is offered and a side salad
6. someone not liking the cocktail you described as bitter because they think its bitter
7. watching the pen come out when the check comes to divide the amount onto 10 credit cards in odd amounts
8. asking for a well done steak and complaining about how long it takes even though you came to the restaurant 30 minutes before the lake game and thought you could get a well done steak in that time.
9. walking up in that awkward moment and sensing the annoyance on the customers face. Hey! you came here to eat, and i have to serve you! Which means I must talk to you.
There is a long positives list too!
“Waiter comes at an intense emotional moment” would be #1 on the list of range of server emotions too.
Touche’.
Once a year or so (or while in vacation), my husband and I will go to a top restaurant for dinner. We know we’re out of our league, but try and enjoy the experience and the food. It could be intimidating, but we try and do our best and remember that those people who are serving us are people just like us and not judgment machines.
Requirement to share!!
1. My kids being run over by a busy waiter.
2. My kids knocking over their food and drinks (several times!)
3. My kids starting to spoil the meal by either being jealous of their sipplings food or by starting a fight for no reason.
4. Me oblivious to enjoy my food because so absorbed by anxiety 1 and 2.
5. Me and my husband leaving the restaurant frustrated
PS: I LOVE my family – but at the moment we rather eat at home (LOL).
What a bad misspelling: “siblings” of course!
Figuring out how to eat lobster or crab. I order it infrequently and never remember how to get into the packaging! It’s like trying to open a package of batteries.
All fine dining: am I dressed well enough? Is a squid ink reduction actually good? Do I tip more because this place is so fancy? Am I supposed to talk very quietly like I’m in a library?
Menus with no prices. My husband and I were at a fancy little brunch spot in Tulum, and walked in looking all cool and confident, sat down at our table, and our waiter brought us water, so were were COMITTED. But then the menu had no prices, and the restaurant only took cash. We were so stressed out that we would end up having to wash dishes to “pay” for our meal that we couldn’t afford, we’d be found out as totally NOT chic and cool. It all worked out in the end, and the food was good!
Weird restaurant thing: We dine at a local restaurant every Friday at 6:00.
We are very conscious of getting there right on schedule because it fills up.
For two weeks in a row now, we were told we’d have to wait for a table even though there was a table open. It was ‘reserved’. I said, “I thought you didn’t take reservations.” “Well we don’t between 6 and 8. (?) But if you call ahead…” I stewed as that table sat open for over half an hour–twice now.
We’ve been dining at this place same time every week for years!
Shaking my head… And I promise we are low maintenance customers!
Server (and occasional diner) here! I totally commiserate about the unclear reservation policy at the restaurant. The bit about a table being open for over half hour is pretty typical, though. Dinner service usually takes at least an hour, and lots of people tend to linger even longer on the weekends or if they order wine. So, hosts/servers/restaurant managers will hesitate to seat someone at a table that has an upcoming reservation unless they are sure that the table can be cleared, bussed, cleaned, and set in time for the incoming party. This is the dark side of reservations – they can be incredibly frustrating for diners and restaurant workers alike because they have the potential to make the whole evening inefficient. I’m curious – since you go to this restaurant every week on the earlier side, maybe they would be open to creating a standing reservation for you?
Looks like no one has mentioned my big anxiety at restaurants….when you sit down and then no one pays any attention to you and you’re all “hmmm…no one sees us or remembers we sat down, do I say something?” And you know those other people who are ordering sat down after you did. Usually, you just need to be patient, but yikes!
And then on the other end….”So they remember we’re still here? Don’t they want us to pay and move along?”
When you can see the people waiting to be seated and they are resentfully watching you take every bite.
Good to know it’s not just me! I am the one that thinks about where I sit in a restaurant. I hate sitting in the middle of a room it feels like EVERYONE is watching you.
“How are those first few bites tasting?”
UGH.
“fine, but my full mouth is preventing me from talking to you.”
I also HATE this.
I’ve worked as a server at a fancy restaurant for years, and I just wanted to say that while that can be very annoying to hear (and it’s even annoying sometimes to have to ask!), it’s an important part of making sure that guests are satisfied. We’re required to ask in the first few minutes how the food is (in a polite, noncreepy way, hopefully) because if there is a problem with the food it’s so much easier to fix it then! It’s really a genuine concern to make sure the restaurant has done their part right, and fix it if not.
Believe me, most servers hate asking this question as well, but it does serve a purpose! Lots of diners are afraid to speak up when there is an issue with their meal, or if they need some kind of sauce, salt, etc. They are also sort of “stuck” in their seats. So, servers try to be proactive and open the door to that conversation. Maybe there are better ways to open up this server-diner dialogue, though!
I’m not that anxious in restaurants because there’s a general formula to follow and people mind their business usually. It’s BARS that I absolutely dread. I don’t even go to bars anymore because I can’t handle the anxiety!
As someone who loves to eat out, I think the most important thing to remember is that restaurant staff are people too. I’ve found if I have done something embarrassing and laugh it off with the staff member with me at the time, it actually creates a wonderful and warm feeling of being in it together.
Agreed. I spent a good number of years in the restaurant business, and given the resentment and anxiety expressed in some of the comments, it seems worth pointing out that servers have a job to do, and that is primarily to make sure that diners have an enjoyable meal. In addition to whatever their management is asking them to prioritize, that includes informing you of any off-menu specials or menu changes, presenting a bottle of wine before opening it to make sure it is what you ordered, checking in periodically to see if you need something or to ask how your food is, and responding to concerns, questions, or complaints. Civility, courtesy, respect and a certain amount of professional friendliness go along with these transactions. If the interactions make you anxious for some reason, remember that we share responsibility for what we contribute to the communication and experience, and falling back on courtesy and respect is always a win. The customer has relatively greater leverage and influence, and a server is often in a position of relative powerlessness, and is at the mercy of the customer’s whims. Whatever your discomfort with being asked how your food is, I can promise you that a server has had to be on the receiving end of all manner of rudeness and weirdness, some of which would make your hair stand on end. Restaurant work environments are notoriously difficult, especially for women. So being able to communicate well and ask for what you need to enjoy your meal will go a long way to ensuring you have a pleasant experience. Often a simple “no, thank you” or “yes, please”, or other feedback courteously offered will do the trick. Because whatever frustrations or anxieties we have, those likely are not going to be eased by treating someone with unkindness or contempt. As Dave Barry says, “A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.”
VERY well-stated, Claire. Amen, sister, I say, AMEN! Wish I’d said it myself. And I too, was a waitress once upon a time.
My biggest restaurant anxiety is trying to eat sushi when the pieces are clearly intended to be eaten in one bite but are slightly too large to do so comfortably. My nightmare scenario actually happened recently when I took a bite of sweet potato roll and then realized, too late, that I wasn’t going to be able to swallow it. It lodged in the back of my throat and I started to choke, then panicked as I realized it was stuck. Should i flag down the waitress? Should I run out of the restaurant so that the other patrons wouldn’t have to witness my struggle? Would I be carried out of this restaurant on a stretcher??
Finally, I managed to cough the roll up into my lap, eyes watering and face bright red. The friend I was eating with was super understanding (of course) and the waitress hurried over to make sure I was okay, but ugh ugh ugh.
This happened to me on a date! I tried to bite a piece of kingfish nigiri in half and it wouldn’t break off so I shoved the whole thing in my mouth and promptly choked, and had to spit it back onto my plate. My date was a total gentleman about it and pretended nothing had happened (after checking I was ok) but I was mortified, and we didn’t last much longer after that!
Getting asked “how is everything?”, when you were just complaining to your dinner companion about mediocre. I always say good! even when its not that great because what are they going to do about it! Ha.
As a sever, this is one of my biggest pet peeves! I’m good at reading a table and can usually see through the fake “good”. We’re required to ask this, and a good restaurant will make you something different if you aren’t 100% enjoying your “mediocre” meal.
If a server comes over to ask you how things are going right after you were complaining about it to your dining companion, chances are they already heard you! The server’s job is to make sure your experience is a pleasant one – if there is something the restaurant could do better (within reason), they want to hear it. I think honesty is the best route here – it is absolutely possible to express dissatisfaction while still being polite. A good server will offer you some options, which may include a discount, free dessert, or even a new meal! What’s to lose?
I’d rather just say it’s good and eat the mediocre meal than wait for something else to be made while everyone else is chowing down and then they have to wait for me while I eat something I’ll hopefully like better. If I’m not enjoying what I ordered I just don’t order it next time.
One particular friend gives me dining anxiety. She always wants to share each others orders and split the cost. We are the vegetarians of the group. I once paid half of her dinner and didn’t eat any of it. While she proceeded to eat half of mine. We both didn’t like what she ordered. I get it, people want to have more options. But I’ve never wanted to eat another person’s dinner just because mine turned out bad. How can I tell her I want to pay for my own food and eat my own food and don’t need to have a “bite” of hers.
Tell her exactly what you just said! You can say it in a way that paints you as the “strange” one if that makes it easier. Don’t go along with anything that makes you uncomfortable!
I understand where you’re coming from, that would really bother me. I’m a big sharer when eating out with my husband and certain friends (although I’m always checking to make sure everyone’s ok with sharing because sometimes you just want your own darn food!), but I have one friend that I’m not crazy about sharing with all the time because we have some different tastes and she ALWAYS wants to share.
You could try something like, “Oh I’m really excited about *insert dish name here* and not really in the mood for anything else. I think I’m just going to get my own meal, but thanks for offering to share!”
Good luck!
Ordering something you love but make all the time at home is such an anxiety! lol. I barely eat out anymore because I can’t help but feel like I should/could just make it at home and save the money…I miss the days when I was more carefree with my money : )
The whole pepper presentation is so uncomfortable.
(1) Why?? Is pepper so expensive I can’t be trusted with it?
(2) I don’t pepper my salad at home, so I guess I don’t need pepper, but since you’re offering maybe I do?
(3) I don’t think it’s enough pepper but the waiter is looking at me like, “Isn’t this enough?” So I say “oh, that’s fine. Yes.”
You are hilarious!
Haha this reminds me of SATC scene with waiter presenting huge pepper shaker :D
Love this! hahahaha
As a former waitress, I’m hyper-aware of the number of tables our waitress has, how quickly they are being sat, etc. So I get anxious about not being ready to order when they come. Or when my husband wants to give them our drink, appetizer, meal order right off the bat when I know that messes with their flow…
I admit to being fascinated that people actually have anxiety over any of this. Go out to dinner and RELAX! You are the customer! You are paying! Who cares if someone is looking at you or you don’t know what to order? Just ask the waiter to come back in a few minutes. Or say, “What looks good tonight?” If after delivering your dinner, they say, “How is the food?” and you are not ready to answer, simply say, “I’ll let you know in a few minutes.” Ask how to pronounce something if you are unsure. If one of your party suggests you split the check evenly, say, “Oh, I wouldn’t hear of it; it may be unfair to the rest of you. I’ll just pay for what I ordered.” OR, sneakily ask the waiter for separate checks! Just go out and enjoy yourselves and quit overthinking it.
Great ADVISE!!!
Yup. Exactly.
When the menu has way too many options, and you get FOMO if you order the wrong thing!
I always appreciate when the server says his or her name right at the beginning, which puts me at ease. I used to be a waitress, and it was the worst when clients would say “hey you” or wave frantically to call mem and sometimes it was my fault, because on busy nights, I’d forget to introduce myself. So today, if the person who’s taking care of our table doesn’t say his or her name, or it’s not on a name tag, I’ll ask, and then if we need anything, I get less anxious to try to hail them down by saying “Hey So-and-So, would you mind coming over when you get a minute”, instead of “HEY! WAITER!”
Its fascinating to read all these comments and how seemingly small things can get someone so anxious.
With no intention of offending any highly sensitive or anxious people,I would like to how can I raise a more confident child ? or how to help him to face his anxieties ?
Always, always reinforce good/appropriate behavior. Say you are proud of the way your child handled a particular situation, as soon as you can after you see it happen. Reinforce to them that they are doing the right thing. Give them scenarios (make a game of it) and ask them how they would handle it. Then, assuming they gave a good answer, tell them they are right! Take baby steps along with them in facing their difficult situations. Let them know you are by their side, always. If a teacher or other adult reports something good they did in this area, be sure and bring it up to them later. Let them know it is normal to sometimes feel anxious. Tell them about a similar situation with yourself and how you handled it. All of this must be age-appropriate, of course, but if you pay attention, you will find many opportunities to do this. If you let the child know that you believe in him/her, it will be easier for them to adopt that characteristic. Never stop believing in the child and encourage them to do the same for themselves. Both of you can do it!
I have really bad social anxiety and I’m not offended but my initial thought was “just do that opposite of whatever my mom did”… she is not a socially anxious person but does have a lot of regular anxiety so that probably didn’t help.
Model good etiquette, and coach them on social interactions and common courtesy. My husband taught my son from a young age how to meet and introduce himself to someone (look them in the eye, offer his hand to shake, and say “Hi, I’m (name). It’s nice to meet you.”). Interpersonal and social situations can be complex and having a script to fall back on can help put everyone at ease.
Teach your kids a growth mindset! We get anxious when we think we’re going to make a mistake or do something awkward, and when we see that mistake as a sign of failure rather than growth. Let them know it’s okay to make mistakes and everything takes practice and failure is normal. (I know it seems like I’m getting WAY larger than the topic of restaurant anxieties, but I promise it’s all related. I’m both a therapist AND a highly anxious person haha!) Also a lot of these anxieties stem from the misperception that everyone else notices or cares about us and what we’re doing – and they’re not! Don’t send this message to your kids; don’t be self-critical or overly judgmental of others. My mother was always so preoccupied with her appearance (and mine) and it led me to believe EVERY little thing I did was important and up for judgment, and it’s just not. Raise them to be confident in who they are and their ability to solve problems (see growth mindset), and that takes away a lot of anxieties about being caught with your mouth full or not knowing where the bathroom is.
When I was 20 I went to Paris by myself for the first time, and one of my hostel roommates was this Brazilian woman who, every time she did something silly or embarrassing, just laughed and said “ah, f*** it!” It totally changed my perspective, and while I don’t necessarily advocate for shouting curse words around your kids, that attitude is truly amazing and very liberating :)
The fear of walking into the kitchen instead of the bathroom is a thing of mine. There is a chain of restaurants called Coco’s that the kitchen and bathrooms are in extremely close proximity. And the signs aren’t exactly clear, so I’ve come close to walking into the diner-style area where the kitchen is rather than the restrooms, which are a few feet back.
My anxiety is when my water glass keeps getting refilled every time I take a sip! I honestly will keep drinking if there is a glass in front of me, which means a lot of bathroom breaks. I’ve had to stop waiters from refilling my glass anymore.
I also hate when casual places bring straws with all drinks. I’m a grown up, I can use a big glass! It’s so wasteful to create more plastic litter. I see this so much in the Midwest when we visit. I try and remember to speak up before straws appear unbidden–I’ve had a lot of conversations with waitstaff and owners about the fact that all the plastic ever created is still in existence.
When dining with friends or a larger group and the waiter/waitress asks “how are we doing the checks?”
OR
When dining with “just a friend”, and the waiter gives you just one check and you have to ask them to split.
Servers can’t read your mind. Just be polite about asking for what you need in each situation. It’s better to be upfront about it as soon as you can, rather than wasting your server’s time at the end of your dining time, making them go back to the computer, separate the items, reprint the bills and return to your table.
Arriving to dinner for a bachelorette where it’s an intimate gathering and you know NO ONE at the table. Sooooo awkward!! Then wiping out flat on your *ss on the way to the restroom because you chose to wear those cheap heels and they are no match for their slick floors. Sometimes I just want to stay home and order pizza….
I have this idea to start a restaurant review blog for HSP’s (highly sensitive people).
It wouldn’t be about the food, it would tell you things like if there is parking and if yes, how to enter, what the entrance feels like (for example, “You’ll walk through a mine of closely situated two-tops, occupied usually by hipster types, who may look at you. Head straight for the potted fig tree in the corner which is easily visible upon entering, and this is where the hostess stand is.”) The bathroom location would, of course, be of utmost importance.
hahahahaha YES!
Knowing about the entrance reminds me of a time in Charlottesville when two friends and I accidentally rode the utility elevator which, after a loud ride, opened to the surprised looks and snickers of the dining public. We were right in the middle of the dining room. Ugh….we slink out….we order wine.
I would be that blog’s biggest fan.
I love that you referenced HSP’s! I’ve been reading The Highly Sensitive Person and finally feel understood :)
Oh goodness, and LIGHTING. I’m so sensitive to light — it’s all about the hygge atmosphere! :)
Yes, please! This would be a dream.
Yes to HSPs! Courtney, I just started that book last week and am like “my people! Nowwwww it all makes sense.”
Really? That is a thing (HSP)?
Honestly, if eating out raised so many issues for me, I think I would avoid it.
I would love to be a contributor! Signed, HSP
I’m so glad you asked! Mine is if I go back to a place where I REALLY liked something, will I like it again?
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